The Vulcan's Wife
by Aphrodite420
Summary: It could be logical, even natural, that a half-human end up with a human. But how does a full-blooded Vulcan end up with a human wife? Explores the beginning of Sarek and Amanda's relationship. Now complete.
1. The Embassy

**Disclaimer: I'm a fanfic writer, not the owner of Star Trek, damn it!**

**A/N: Hey, thanks for reading. First of all, I want to thank LadyFangs, who gave me the encouragement I needed to finally write this- it's been on my mind for awhile now, but I didn't think I would ever actually write it. Without her insistence this wouldn't exist. So thanks!**

**Some of the events in this will tie into some things mentioned in my Spock/Nyota fic, Essential, which is now completed. It's not required that you read that to read this, but I would certainly appreciate it if you read all my work ;)**

**If you haven't read my notes I wrote on Essential, then I'd like to tell you what I plan on doing with this story...most of the beginning will focus on how Sarek and Amanda met and ended up together, but after awhile I'm going to skip through time a bit to show other moments in their lives, ending shortly before Amanda's death. This has been done, of course, but I want to bring my own ideas into it. This fic will have fluff, but there will be some angst, too. Anyway, I'll stop rambling now and get to the actual story.**

**The Vulcan's Wife- Chapter 1: The Embassy**

Amanda Grayson stared in disbelief at the woman before her.

"You want me to _what_?" she asked, alarmed.

"I'm sure you heard me," Linette, her boss, said coolly. Her eyes narrowed. "You're still new here, Grayson. Don't test me."

"It's just...I don't know how to-"

"It's simple, Grayson. You greet him, show him inside, give the grand tour, and leave him at the director's office. Even a newbie like you can do that, right?" Linette was definitely annoyed now. "If not, maybe I should just hand you a pink slip."

Amanda looked down at the floor. No, she didn't want a pink slip. She had only been working at the United Planetary Embassy for six weeks, and she needed the job- _badly_.

"No, I can do it," Amanda said quietly.

"Good. Now, he'll be arriving by hover-car in ten minutes. You'd better be outside waiting for him," Linette said, turning away from her and heading into her office. Amanda glared after her, then sighed and turned toward the lift she had just come out of.

As the newest employee, the least favored tasks were always foisted onto her. Ever since she had first arrived, they had kept her busy- answering calls, getting drinks, delivering packages and messages all over the building, and organizing hundreds of appointments. Three secretaries were hardly enough for the whole building.

She entered the lift and ordered it to the lobby. On the way there, she thought about how she had even ended up at the embassy.

She attended the San Francisco State University, and was working toward a teaching degree. She was struggling to pay for her tuition and books- she had been desperate for a job, _any_ job. Her cousin worked at the Embassy as well, as the director's private secretary- and when she heard of Amanda's troubles, insisted on helping her. She had gotten her the part-time job. Amanda was truly grateful- but she didn't like the position. At all.

She wasn't cut out for answering calls and delivering lunch. She wanted to be a teacher- and this wasn't helping her get there.

Amanda stepped off the lift and headed for the double doors that led out into the California sunshine. There was no one out there- and still plenty of time before the new ambassador arrived. She sat on a bench near the entrance and stared off into the distance.

She knew plenty of people who would jump at the chance to work in a building that housed offices for ambassadors from every planet in the Federation. Her sister, Sarah, for one. Sarah was attending San Francisco State to study xenoanthropology, and would have been ecstatic to have the opportunity.

But a job was a job. Her bills were getting paid, and beggars couldn't be choosers.

Amanda straightened on the bench when she saw a hover-car approaching. It was black- a new, sleek design. The kind rich people drove. It purred to a stop at the entrance, ten feet away from her. She stood, folding her hands before her. The back door opened, and a tall figure, dressed in a black tunic and pants, stepped out.

She could see immediately why no one had wanted to greet him. Vulcans were not known for their warm personalities, and this particular man seemed to embody everything the name Vulcan stood for.

He had dark hair cut in a severe, helmet-like style; sharply arched eyebrows, pointed ears...his eyes were black, and cold. His face was completely still, as if made from stone. As he walked over to her, he towered over her small frame- he intimidated her.

"I was told that someone would meet me. I deduce that person is you, unless I am mistaken," the Vulcan said, his deep voice seeming to reach down to her very bones, making her tremble. She wasn't sure if this was because his voice intimidated her in the same way his tall stature did, or if it was because his voice was surprisingly...well..._sexy_.

"Oh-I...yes. Yes, that's me." She almost winced at herself.

"And you are?" The Vulcan clasped his hands behind his back, watching her as she struggled to compose herself.

"Grayson...my name is Amanda Grayson," she replied. She hoped Linette wouldn't find out about what an incoherent mess she was being. Really...why was she so nervous? He was only a man, after all. Just a very intimidating one, with pointed ears and cold eyes.

She was being incredibly stupid. What was _wrong_ with her? This wasn't the Amanda Grayson she knew. She didn't usually stumble over her words and she certainly wasn't frightened by men.

"I am sure that your job is not to stand here, staring at me," the Vulcan now said.

"Oh- I'm sorry. It's just- I've never met a Vulcan before," Amanda explained. "I did take a few quarters in Intro to Vulcan my freshman year of college...I think the proper greeting is '_Dif-to he sumsa_?'"

He stared at her for several seconds. She felt her cheeks begin to burn the longer those dark eyes bore into her. She pressed her lips together, wishing he would say something.

"It is _dif-tor heh smusma,_" he finally said. Amanda felt her cheeks grow even hotter in embarrassment. This was going from bad to worse.

"Right. Sorry," she said, wincing. "Maybe I should just shut up now and show you the building."

"Shut up?" he asked, and displayed the first hint of any emotion on his face- both of his eyebrows rose a fraction of an inch.

"It means...it means that I should be quiet and stop saying stupid things," Amanda said. Great. Just great. What would he think of her now? She had not shown him so much as an ounce of her intelligence. He would leave her thinking she was stupid. "Follow me, please," she added sadly, and turned to lead him into the embassy, berating herself the whole way.

She was acting like a child. She needed to get ahold of herself. Where was the mature, smart, _witty_ Amanda Grayson? She was afraid that she was coming off as someone with no more sense than a teenage girl.

"This is the lobby- just somewhere people with appointments can wait, and where most of the embassy takes their breaks," Amanda said, gesturing around at the bare marble floor and the plastic chairs set against one wall. "The next four floors are offices for other ambassadors. Yours will be there, somewhere. Then there's the floor where I work. The director of the building works there, too."

"Informative," the Vulcan commented dryly. She bit the inside of her cheek...this really was a disaster. She was still too new at this job to know what she was doing. She had never greeted an ambassador before- in fact, she had never even spoken to one. She was mentally kicking herself as she led him to the lift. They ascended in silence to the top floor.

"There's the director's office," Amanda said, gesturing half-heartedly in the right direction. She really _had_ made a fool of herself. She wasn't sure why she cared- after all, she would have minimal contact with him after this- but for some reason, she had wanted to leave a good impression on him.

"Thank you for your assistance. However- I will put in a request that the director assign more adept members of his staff to greeting new envoys."

He said this just before turning and walking away, toward the office she had indicated. Amanda felt like someone had just shot her in the gut with a phaser. She felt tears threatening her, but forced herself to keep them at bay. She wouldn't let herself cry over something a _Vulcan_ said. No matter _how_ hurtful it had been. She turned to her desk and sat down in her chair, staring down at her hands.

So much for leaving a good impression.

**A/N: It's short, I know. And I don't think I'm capturing Amanda's personality very well- but keep in mind, this is the first time I've ever written Amanda, so I'll get better with practice. **

**Anyway, let me know what you think.**


	2. The Ambassador

**Chapter 2: The Ambassador**

"So, how'd it go yesterday?" Karen, the other secretary, asked as she walked briskly past Amanda's desk to the water dispenser in the corner of their small, cramped office.

"It was...fine," Amanda lied. She was already waiting for Linette to call her into her office. If that Vulcan ambassador had complained about her yesterday to the director, she'd be fired.

"Sorry to bail on you, but I met the last Vulcan ambassador, Sirkon- he was scary," Karen said as she walked back to her desk and sat down. "I wasn't even _about _to be the one to greet the new one. Plus- you're new. Consider it part of the hazing process."

Amanda forced a smile. She wasn't fond of Karen- who left most of the work to Amanda and spent her time filing her nails and chatting on the holophone to her friends when Linette wasn't around. Not only that, but Karen was...well, easy. She had quite a reputation at the embassy. Rumor had it that she'd slept with a male of every known species in existence- except for Vulcans, apparently. Amanda wasn't usually one to believe gossip, but...

As Karen turned to her computer console, Amanda looked at the clock. Her shift ended in an hour. She wouldn't breathe easily until she walked out the front doors...if she hadn't been called into the forbidding office down the hall by then, she was safe.

She tapped her stylus against her desk and started to bite the nail on her pinkie finger. What would she do if she lost her job? She could look somewhere else, she supposed...but the embassy paid secretaries well. There was no way she'd be able to find another part-time job that would pay bills _and _pay off some of her debt to the university.

The clock seemed to be going backwards, the time was passing so slowly. Amanda busied herself on the computer, reorganizing files and deleting old ones- anything to keep her mind off the time.

"Grayson!" Linette's sharp voice startled her. She was walking toward her. Amanda took a deep breath, preparing for the worst. She had been waiting for this all day...

"Yes, ma'am?" Amanda asked her supervisor.

"Take this to the Bolian ambassador. He's on the third floor," Linette said, shoving a PADD into Amanda's hands. "After he signs it, bring it back. Simple, right? Get to it."

Amanda was too relieved to be annoyed by Linette's attitude. For a moment there, she had been so sure...

She got up and headed out into the hall, and then into the lift. Once there, she leaned against the wall with a sigh.

"I think I'm safe," she said out loud, and smiled to herself. As the lift descended, she thought about the Vulcan. _Why_ had she been so afraid of him, again?

The doors slid back, and she straightened, adjusting her knee-length blue skirt to smooth away the wrinkles. She shoved a stray piece of her chestnut-brown hair behind one ear and walked down the hall toward the office at the very end.

The Bolian ambassador quickly signed the document, and soon she was on her way back to the lift. As she passed one open doorway, however....

"Miss Grayson?" Came a deep, smooth voice. Amanda stopped in her tracks, and pivoted back around. She returned to the door she had just breezed past.

"Ambassador?" Amanda asked. This time, she was not nervous. The Vulcan was seated at his desk, not towering over her.

"Step inside," he bade her. Amanda obeyed, and came to a stop before his desk.

"Is there something you need, Ambassador?" she asked stiffly. Her lips were slightly pursed, eyes narrowed. She hadn't forgotten how much he'd hurt her feelings the day before. When not thinking about the fact that she may lose her job, she had been thinking about that. She'd decided that she definitely did _not_ like this man.

"It appears that the communications system is down for routine maintenance. Take this to the director," he said, handing her a readout sheet. Amanda's eyes narrowed further.

"It wouldn't hurt for you to say 'please'. It's a human thing- called being courteous," Amanda said. The Vulcan blinked.

"Please," he amended flatly. Amanda took the sheet from him.

"That's better," she said coolly. Like the day before, his eyebrows rose the tiniest amount. Amanda was quite astonished by how much more confident she was today. Had she _really_ been intimidated by him? She wanted to scoff at herself. She headed toward the door, and turned just before leaving. "And to alleviate any worries you may have- I am _adept_ enough at my job to deliver this without incident."

With that, she walked away. She did not see it when the Vulcan's eyebrows rose higher than they had before, and she didn't hear it when he murmured;

"Fascinating."

* * *

The public transport was crowded, and Amanda had no choice but to stand up, holding onto a metal bar for balance as the shuttle smoothly moved toward her stop. She shifted the bag that was slung over her shoulder to redistribute the weight. It really was too heavy for her...but she had to carry the PADDs around somehow.

The shuttle glided to a stop, and there was a hiss as the doors opened. She made her way to the front, said good night to the driver, and stepped down onto the curb. With a whoosh of air, the shuttle left, blowing her hair into her face. She pushed it behind her ears and looked both ways before crossing the street to her apartment.

She used to live on campus, but had found it hard to study when she lived with a roommate who partied constantly. The year before, she had relocated to this apartment- the rent was cheap, but it was in the Tenderloin district.

The Tenderloin was known for its high crime rate, homelessness, and poverty. It was the worst neighborhood in San Francisco- but it was all she could afford.

She took out her keycard as she climbed up the steps. She inserted it into the slot- she had to jiggle it hard to get the outdated system to read it. There was a faint beep and click. Amanda opened the door and stepped inside- closing it behind her and quickly sliding the bolts and relocking it. She was _always_ careful to lock her door.

"Lights," she commanded, and after a delay the dim lighting flickered on.

With a sigh, she heaved the bag off her shoulder and set it down on the sagging sofa in the living room. She kicked off her low-heeled pumps and stretched her toes before heading into the kitchen to open the cooling unit. She opted for a simple salad for dinner- she was too tired to cook.

She worked at the embassy from eight in the morning until four in the afternoon- then she had classes from five until ten. She was always nervous coming home after dark by herself, but she had little choice. Those were the times when she wished she didn't live alone.

Amanda curled up on the couch, feet tucked under her, with her plate balanced on her lap. She poked at her salad as the silence surrounded her.

She felt...lonely.

* * *

"Watch it!" a man barked as he ran into her- and her bag went flying.

"Damn it!" Amanda cursed as the bag landed on the sidewalk. She hoped and prayed as she bent down to pick up the scattered PADDs that none of them were damaged. "Jerk," she muttered. Everyone on the crowded sidewalk stepped around her- no one offering to help.

She was going to be late. It was five til eight and it would take that five minutes just to get to the embassy. She really wished she hadn't overslept.

She was surprised when two large, pale, long-fingered hands came into view, collecting the remaining PADDs and handing them to her. She looked up to see who had finally stopped to help her, mouth open as she prepared to thank them. She stopped short.

"Oh. Ambassador," Amanda said, straightening, looking up at the tall Vulcan. He was towering over her again...she really did not like that. It made her feel small, helpless.

"Miss Grayson," he said with a curt nod.

"Well...thanks," Amanda said grudgingly, as she put the PADDs in her bag and slung it back over her shoulder. "Some jerk just ran into me and-"

"I saw the occurrence. I have found since coming here that humans can be quite rude," he replied. Amanda's lips pursed again.

"You know, it's rude to interrupt," she pointed out. "Maybe you should study humans a little more closely."

"That is my intention," he said. She was unnerved when his black eyes bore into hers. She shifted her feet and cleared her throat.

"I need to get going, I'm already late for work, and my supervisor is a real bit- um, she's not very nice," Amanda said, looking away from him. "Bye."

She hurried past him, still feeling his eyes on her.

**A/N: "Fascinating." Hee hee, like father, like son. **


	3. Lessons in Humanity

**Chapter 3: Lessons in Humanity**

"You know, he's really not bad looking," Karen observed, watching as the Vulcan ambassador strode through the front doors into the lobby. Amanda and Karen sat on plastic chairs, eating their lunches.

Amanda's eyebrows rose at this comment. It looked like Karen wanted to try out a Vulcan, after all.

"Good luck," she said, reaching for her bottle of water and taking a sip.

"What, you don't agree? I mean, look at him. He's handsome, in a dignified, solemn way. Tall, with broad shoulders, dark eyes..."

The ambassador stopped to speak to someone, and now stood twenty feet away. Amanda saw him glance briefly in their direction, his eyes resting on her for a split second, before returning to the man before him. She remembered something she had once read about Vulcans...

"He can probably hear you, you know," Amanda said. "Vulcan hearing and all that."

"Well, good! Should make it easier," Karen beamed in his direction, even though he wasn't looking. She patted her blonde curls and smoothed her blouse and short skirt. "He may be Vulcan, but he's still a man, Amanda. And all men have _needs_."

She didn't reply to that, but she disagreed. He didn't seem the type to be interested in human women...or anything they had to offer.

He appeared to finish speaking to his fellow ambassador, and looked in their direction again. He nodded once at her in acknowledgment before continuing on his way.

"He just nodded at me!" Karen said excitedly. "Oh, he is _so_ interested!"

Amanda decided not to point out that he had obviously been nodding at _her_, not at Karen.

She was surprised at how smug that made her.

* * *

The ambassador had been working at the embassy for a month now. For the most part, Amanda had very little contact with him- occasionally, she had to take things to his office, or run small errands for him, but they rarely spoke. She didn't even know his name.

But after Karen brought it to her attention, Amanda realized that he really _was _quite handsome...she hadn't noticed before because she was still sore about his comment when they first met- and because he was Vulcan, after all, and it was hard to find someone so emotionless to be attractive. Other than the two times she had seen him raise his eyebrows, his face was like stone. It unnerved her.

She had more important things to worry about, anyway. The first quarter of her senior year at San Francisco State was drawing to a close. She had exams to study for- she was beyond exhausted, and didn't have time to admire the Vulcan's tall stature, broad shoulders, dark eyes that seemed to pierce straight through to her soul...

She disliked Karen even more for bringing those to her attention.

Still, she always dreaded it whenever he called her into his office- like he did _that _day. She didn't know it at the time of course- but that day changed the rest of her life.

"Miss Grayson," the ambassador said, looking up from his desk. "Thank you for answering my request."

"You're welcome," she replied uncomfortably, fidgeting with the sleeve of her white blouse, not looking up at him. "What do you need, Ambassador?"

"Could you please take these documents to the Denobulan ambassador? I would take them myself, but as you leave in ten minutes, it would be more convenient for you."

"How do you know when I leave?" Amanda asked as she took the PADD from him. She eyed him suspiciously.

"I am observant. You leave on the 439 shuttle-bus at 1605 hours. Why do you only work here on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?"

Now, _that_ unnerved her.

"I think you're a little _too_ observant," Amanda remarked, unable to stop the corners of her mouth from lifting up in a smirk. "I only work here part-time. I go to the university."

"And what is your area of study?" he asked, clasping his hands before him, those dark eyes still on her.

"I want to be a teacher," Amanda said, smiling now. "That's probably pathetic to you, isn't it? Vulcans are scientists- great thinkers. A teacher must seem so insignificant to you."

"On the contrary, teaching is a noble profession," the Vulcan said, eyebrows again rising slightly. "Imparting knowledge to others is very significant."

"Well...thanks," Amanda was definitely wary now. What was he up to? Usually, he gave her what he wanted her to deliver and that was it. But he was actually...engaging in _small talk_?

There was a silence. Amanda took this to mean that the short conversation was over. She turned to leave- but he stopped her.

"You seemed quite hostile when you remarked that you were adept enough at your job to deliver that readout," he said. She stopped, took a deep breath, and turned back to him.

"That's because you...hurt my feelings by insinuating that I wasn't good at my job," Amanda explained. Why was he bringing this up now? She wondered. That was a month ago.

"I insinuated no such thing. I merely stated that I would request that an employee more experienced in greeting dignitaries be used. It was not meant to 'hurt your feelings'. I understand that human feelings are 'hurt' easily."

"Well, you need a lesson in humanity, then, because you're not very good at any of this. You don't get it- you can't be blunt with humans. You really don't know much about Terrans, do you?"

The ambassador tilted his head slightly to the left.

"I do not. This is my first visitation to Earth, and my contact with humans on Vulcan was very limited."

Amanda stared at him. "They sent you as an ambassador to a planet that you know virtually nothing about?" she asked.

"I am familiar with human history, Miss Grayson. It is the Terrans themselves that I am not familiar with. Your customs are strange to me- and I find the constant emotionalism to be distracting."

"And you complained because _I'm_ not experienced enough to greet dignitaries?" she asked incredulously. "You don't seem too experienced yourself."

There was another silence. The Vulcan stared up at her, calculating.

"This is my first long-term assignment on another planet," he finally said. There was a pause. "You..surprise me, Miss Grayson. When you greeted me upon my arrival, I assumed you to be another weak-minded, unstable Terran. Instead, I find that you are quite the opposite."

She was rather flattered. And speechless. Had he just _complimented_ her?

"I...well, thanks," she said uncertainly. There was yet another awkward silence, and during it, they simply looked at each other. Amanda realized that she almost felt _sorry_ for him. What would it be like, living on a planet where one was surrounded by a different species- a species they knew nothing about? She wondered if he was as lonely as she was. Do Vulcans even _get _lonely?

"Miss Grayson...perhaps..." The ambassador seemed to hesitate. "Perhaps, if I am in need of assistance in understanding something in regards to humans, you could provide it?"

Amanda's lips parted slightly in surprise, eyes widening. His gaze did not waver. She wet her lips before replying.

"Well...I don't see why not," she finally said. "I want to be a teacher, don't I?" She smiled weakly.

"Thank you," he said, and turned his attention back to the computer console on his desk. "It is 1557 hours, Miss Grayson. You should hurry if you plan on having transportation."

"Oh- right!" she said. She had forgotten that it was almost time for her to go. She waved the PADD in front of her. "I'll go drop this off, Ambassador." she turned to leave, but stopped in the doorway. She turned back around. "If you don't mind my asking...what's your name?"

The Vulcan blinked at her. "My given name is Sarek. You may call me that if you wish."

She only nodded and left, but she was thinking to herself...

_Sarek. Not a bad name. And those eyes..._

When she had first met him, she had thought they were cold, menacing. But now...whenever he looked at her, she felt heat spread all over her body, emanating from her core...

* * *

Sarek stood at his window, which overlooked the courtyard of the embassy. He watched as the human named Amanda Grayson stood at the curb, arms folded to protect her from the cool breeze that was blowing. Her hair was swept off her face as he watched, the sunlight catching the strands and making them shine. She wore a white blouse and gray skirt that whipped around her, the bag full of PADDs resting on one shoulder.

She was...interesting. He had been slightly annoyed by her when they first met- she had been inarticulate and had not been informative. He had learned over the past twenty-nine days, however, that his presence seemed to invoke the same reaction from many otherwise-intelligent humans. He intimidated them, although he was unsure why. He made no threatening statements and remained placid at all times. Perhaps he would ask Amanda about this the next time he saw her.

He was unsure as to why he had inquired about her. But was it not logical to learn about Terrans? She was Terran, and held the answers he sought. From what he knew, he would be posted on Earth for quite some time- and if he was to work efficiently, he must learn about his colleagues' customs and habits. Amanda aspired to be a teacher, and there was logically no other person in the building better suited to assist him.

Sarek continued to watch as the shuttle pulled up. Amanda boarded it, and through the tinted windows he saw her sit down near the back.

She was easily the most interesting human he had yet met- she had gone from seemingly weak to surprisingly strong-willed and sharp-tongued. He looked forward to learning more about her.

**A/N: I guess Spock and Sarek both like feisty women ;)**

**Anyway, here's a link to a pic of Ben Cross when he was young, and this is how I imagine Sarek to look in my head. (I'm sure you already know who Ben Cross is, but he plays Sarek in the new movie)**

www dot probertencyclopaedia dot com/j/Ben%20Cross dot jpg

**You'll have to add the 'dots' as periods and remove the spaces, since the stupid website won't allow me to paste the link directly...**

**Not bad-looking, eh? And yes, I know he didn't look that young in the movie. But that's a movie- not my imagination. I prefer to imagine Amanda with a younger Sarek- after all, Vulcans age slower. So the Sarek in the movie would have had to been like, a hundred. I prefer him to be younger ;)**

**And by the way...Sybok doesn't exist in my universe. I like him as a villain in other stories, but I prefer to leave him out of mine.**


	4. Assistance and Insistence

**Chapter 4: Assistance and Insistence**

It was strange that Amanda went from being intimidated by and disliking Sarek- to having lunch in his office once a week.

It started one Friday when he'd just gotten out of his first meeting with Terran diplomats and was curious about a number of things. She was on her way down to the lobby- where there was a replicator- to have lunch. Since that was her only free time, he suggested that she eat in his office.

His first question what somewhat ironic.

"I have noticed that humans tend to be uncomfortable in my presence. Why is this?"

Amanda thought back to the first time she had met him.

"It's because...well, it's because you don't express emotions," she replied slowly, setting down her sandwich and looking at him thoughtfully.

"I do not understand. How do humans interpret my serenity as threatening?"

"I guess it's because we're accustomed to using facial expressions to guess what other humans are thinking or feeling. But since you don't emote, humans never know what you are thinking. For an example...you could be about to kill me right now. I wouldn't know because you don't seem angry, or nervous, or in any other moods indicative of murder."

"I have no need to murder you, Miss Grayson," Sarek replied, confused. She couldn't stop her smile from forming.

"I said it was an example, Ambassador," she said. She never called him Sarek- not outside her head anyway. She didn't think they knew each other well enough to be on a first-name basis.

He had more questions of course- Vulcans were known for their need to know everything about anything they became interested in. At the end of her lunch hour he still had many more inquiries for her, so they decided to meet up again.

And thus began their Friday lunch-hour ritual.

* * *

"I thought you said you weren't interested?" Karen asked the third time Amanda returned from Sarek's office.

"What are you talking about?" she asked, sitting at her desk.

"When I said the Vulcan was good-looking you just brushed it off. I figured that meant you weren't interested in seeing what he has under those clothes." Karen grinned. "But now you have lunch with him."

"I'm _not_ interested in him in that way," Amanda lied. To tell the truth, he _did_ have a certain air about him that attracted her. She wasn't sure what it was; perhaps his calm demeanor was just a welcome change from the immature college boys she went to school with.

"Then why have lunch with him?" Karen asked, smirking.

"Because...I'm teaching him about Terrans," Amanda replied with a shrug. "It's completely professional."

"So he's still available?" Karen asked brightly. Amanda sighed and nodded her head. Karen grinned again just as Linette came out of her office.

"Can one of you two take these to the Vulcan ambassador?" she asked, holding up the PADD she carried. Karen raised her eyebrows.

"It's a sign, Mandy," she said as she winked and took the PADD. She looked into the mirror on her desk to make sure she was presentable- pursing her lips and fluffing her hair before getting up to leave.

Amanda hated it when Karen called her Mandy. But as she watched her walk away, heels clicking on the marble floor and hips swinging ridiculously, she felt something else...jealousy? But why would she be jealous? Other than the fact that Karen was beautiful and if there was a woman who could catch the ambassador's eye, it was her...

Amanda turned back to her desk, unsettled by her own reaction. He was just an ambassador, after all.

* * *

Sarek heard the sounds of feminine shoewear in the hallway. He set aside his stylus and straightened in his chair, wondering why Amanda would come back so soon.

When the woman with blonde curls and a wide smile appeared in his doorway he was...disappointed. He knew it was not logical to be, but he was.

"May I help you?" he asked, folding his hands together on the desk.

"My supervisor asked me to drop this off," she replied, walking into the room and laying a PADD on his desk. Her tone was light, lilting. He did not understand the inflections. He had never heard them before.

Now she simply stood in front of his desk, staring at him. He wondered if she had something in her eye- she was blinking entirely too often.

"Is there anything else?" he asked. She still had that wide smile on her face. He much preferred Amanda's smile...hers was gentle, almost shy, and when she smiled her light brown eyes shone brightly.

"I was just wondering if you needed anything else," the woman now said. She placed her hands on her hips and tilted her head. "Nothing would be too much, Ambassador."

"If I required your assistance I would ask for it," Sarek replied, slightly annoyed as he turned back to his work. Actually, he would ask Amanda- but she did not need to know that.

"Well, _any _time that you need something, call me. My name's Karen," she said as she leaned forward to squeeze his shoulder before smiling once more and leaving.

Sarek watched her go, somewhat repulsed. Amanda never had the audacity to touch him. Sometimes humans truly were ignorant. They did not seem to realize Vulcans preferred not to be touched and it was rude of them to do so. At least Amanda had some sense.

* * *

Amanda didn't know whether or not Karen was successful- but judging by her smug smirks over the next few weeks, she decided she didn't want to know.

Sarek did not mention Karen during their lunches together. Not that he would even if he _had _slept with her, of course. Amanda had learned a few things about Vulcans in that Intro to Vulcan course she'd taken, and she knew they highly prized their privacy. Besides, she found it hard to believe the Vulcan sitting across from her would be stupid enough to sleep with someone like Karen.

Amanda wasn't sure why it even bothered her to think he might have. Deciding she was being silly about the whole situation, she shoved it to the back of her mind.

And then...

Sarek had been working at the embassy for three months and they had been having their "lunch lessons" for six weeks when something happened to change everything.

She missed the shuttle-bus one Friday evening.

"Great," she muttered darkly as she watched the transport disappear around a distant corner. Luckily, she didn't have classes that night- but she had stayed over late. It was nine o'clock now and it was dark. The next shuttle wouldn't arrive for an hour and a half.

Cursing her bad luck, she sat on a bench as she shivered slightly. It was almost December now and the air was chilly, the slight breeze biting against her exposed skin. She rubbed her hands together and pulled her wool coat closer around her. It was the coldest night in San Francisco since as far back as she could remember.

"Miss Grayson?" came the deep, sonorous voice that was starting to become quite familiar to her.

She sat up straighter on the bench and looked around her.

"Ambassador," she said as she stood. "I missed my shuttle. I have to wait for the next one."

"And when does it come?" he asked. He had apparently just left the building himself. He stood three feet away, but she could have sworn she felt the heat rolling off him even at that distance.

"At ten-thirty," she replied.

"You are planning to wait for an hour and twenty-two minutes," he stated. She nodded. "That is unacceptable, Miss Grayson. I believe this night is cold even to humans. As you cannot wait inside due to the doors being locked for the night, I propose that I take you home."

Amanda stared at him, surprised, for several seconds. She didn't know what to say.

"That's- that's really kind of you, but I'd rather not be a bother," she finally replied.

"It is not a bother to me. It is only logical. I have transportation and you do not. There is no need to leave you here to wait."

The truth was, she didn't want him to see where she lived. The Tenderloin definitely wasn't the nicest of places and she was ashamed of it.

"Really, I'm fine with it. I'm sure you have plans," Amanda protested.

"I do not," Sarek assured her. She heaved a sigh. There was no way out of this- it was obvious he was going to insist. She was cold and tired- she just wanted to go home.

"Fine. Do you have a hover-car?" she asked.

"If I did not, I would not have offered transport," Sarek remarked as he began to lead her towards the transport storage.

"There's no need to be snide."

"I am not snide, Miss Grayson."

"Not knowingly," Amanda retorted.

"Humans have a tendency to misinterpret the simplest of phrases."

"And I suppose you have _so _much experience with human tendencies, don't you?" she replied. She was smiling, however. These exchanges were not uncommon between them and always in good spirit.

They found his hover-car near the entrance and he opened the door for her before climbing into the driver's side. As they buckled up, Amanda realized she was nervous- and it was no longer because he may see her home. She had never sat this close to him before or been in a semi-private space with him before, either. It was at once both exhilarating and intimidating- even though she knew she was safe with him.

After giving him directions they were silent as the hover-car hummed along the road. She watched buildings and street lights flash by her window until she spotted the familiar hulk of old, crumbling buildings looming before them. She straightened uneasily in her seat as they entered the less-than-savory neighborhood.

She waited for him to make a comment but he did not, although she did see him eying the buildings and the people on the sidewalks who watched as the sleek hover-car passed them.

He stopped across the street from her apartment and they were silent for a moment. He still did not say anything, and she fidgeted with a loose thread on her coat.

"Thank you for taking me home. You didn't have to- I would have waited for the shuttle," she finally said, still not looking up.

"There is no need to thank me, Miss Grayson," Sarek replied. She felt his eyes on her and she looked over at him.

"You know, I was-" she stopped short and her eyes widened as she looked past him. "Oh no!" she groaned, and turned to fumble with the handle on her door. She finally got it open and slammed the door behind her as she rushed up to her apartment.

The door stood ajar, the card reader hanging half out of the wall. She pushed the door open and commanded the lights to turn on. She wished she hadn't.

"No. No, no, no," she moaned as she saw the mess before her. Tears pricked at her eyelids as she looked around. The computer console that had been mounted on her wall was gone, as well as the comm unit. The glass-topped coffee table had been smashed in, the shards glittering on the carpet and crunching underfoot. One glance at the shelf in the corner told her that all of her holo-vid data slates and music storage units were gone also.

Amanda crossed the room and looked into her bedroom- the mattress had been flung off the bed as the burglars had apparently been looking for hidden valuables. She was so distracted by the view that she didn't see or hear Sarek as he stepped into the living room behind her, surveying the damage.

She rushed to the closet in the bedroom- her clothes had all been pulled off the hangars, but it looked like they were all there. She pushed aside the piles of shoe boxes, looking for one in particular....she sighed in relief when she took it out and felt its heaviness. They had not gotten to it. Going out into the living room again she placed the red box on a table and opened it to make sure- relieved to find that her heirlooms were safe.

"Miss Grayson?" came the low voice from behind her. She turned around, wiping away the tears that had started to stream down her cheeks. "I will call the authorities," he said. She nodded.

"Fine. But I don't see what good it'll do. They never catch burglars," she said bitterly, heaving a shaky sigh as she sat on the sofa. She looked around at the room miserably. Everything she had was gone. Luckily, she'd left her PADDs at her study partner's house the night before or her future would be gone too.

Sarek returned from making his call several minutes later and stood there looking at her for a moment before speaking again.

"It is not safe for you to stay here, Miss Grayson," he said. She gave a hollow laugh.

"And what do you suppose I do? Go to a hotel? I don't have credits for that. I can barely pay my bills and now I'll have to hire someone to fix the card reader and add better locks. My stuff is gone- which means I'll have to replace it. I was lucky to even have _that_ stuff- my computer and comm unit were hand-me-downs from my parents. And it's probably safer here now than anywhere else. Someone already took everything I have of any value."

"There are worse criminals than robbers," Sarek pointed out. "And you currently have no security whatsoever. I suggest that you stay at my home tonight."

She was stunned at this proposition- even more stunned than she had been at his offering to take her home.

"Stay at _your _place?" she repeated incredulously. "I barely even know you!"

"I assure you that it will be safer for you there. I have more than ample room for you and it will only be for one night, the weekend at most, while your door is repaired."

"I don't know if that's a good idea," Amanda said, crossing her arms and glaring up at him.

"You have already said you cannot pay for a hotel. It would be wiser and safer for you to take lodgings in my home."

She couldn't refute that. It was true. But she was undeniably nervous about sharing a man's home, even for a night or two. Despite the fact that the man in question was Vulcan.

"I insist," Sarek added when she did not respond for a full minute. Red and blue lights filled the apartment through the windows and she knew the police hover-cars had arrived. She heaved a deep sigh.

"Looks like I don't have much of a choice. I'll get some of my things," she said, standing and going into her bedroom. As she began to pack a bag with a few items she may need, she pondered Sarek's offer. He was being surprisingly kind and she was grateful. Of course, she _knew_ he was only being logical- but it warmed her all the same.

Her attraction for him grew even more.


	5. Hospitality

**A/N: Kudos to angym, who was the first to notice/comment on the lunch hour thing. I was trying to draw a parallel to Spock and Nyota there ;) Because really, other than the fact that Sarek is a full-blooded Vulcan and they're not in Starfleet, these two aren't all that different from them. Both women are strong and brazen and both men are stoic but secretly kind hearted and noble. I've tried to show some of the characteristics that Spock inherited. **

**The biggest difference between the couples, I think, is the fact that poor Amanda has it worse. I imagine that it would be more difficult with a full-blooded Vulcan than a half-Vulcan. Anyway, ignore my rambling and on with the chapter...**

**Chapter 5: Hospitality**

It took an hour for the police to take her statement and give her permission to leave. When she did, they were lifting fingerprints with scanners and talking amongst themselves casually- not as if her home had just been violated. She was disgusted.

They did not speak as Sarek drove them away. She was incredibly tired and the gentle vibration of the seat lulled her into a light doze. She didn't come out of it until she heard someone saying her name.

"Miss Grayson, we are nearing my residence," Sarek was saying. She rubbed at her eyes as she sat up and looked through the window. Her jaw dropped accordingly.

"_This _is your home?" she asked.

"I am renting it for the duration of my stay on Earth, yes," he replied. Amanda continued to stare silently. The house was made of gray stone and it was large- more of a mansion than a house- with a long, curving gravel drive before it. It was elegant- not unlike the Vulcan who sat beside her. It was not overly fancy but it was still the most beautiful house she had ever seen.

They stopped ten feet away from the steps that led up to the door and got out. Amanda was pleasantly surprised when Sarek retrieved her bag from the back seat and carried it for her.

She followed him up the steps and the front door slid open by itself. He led her into an entrance area...there was a flight of stairs ahead that led to the second floor and doors that led off the marble-floored hall.

"T'Shan," Sarek called. Amanda stopped surveying her surroundings and watched as a Vulcan woman came out of one of the doors to stand before Sarek. He spoke in Vulcan to her and she nodded once, also replying in Vulcan. Amanda's limited knowledge of the language prevented her from understanding more than a few words...prepare, bedroom, and night.

She studied the woman. She didn't look much older than Sarek and wasn't bad-looking, other than the severely arched eyebrows, which somehow were more noticeable on her than on Sarek. With sudden horror, Amanda wondered if she was his wife.

Had she been attracted to a married man all along? She felt embarrassed, even if they didn't know what she was thinking...of _course_ he was taken. No one that handsome and obviously rich as well would be unmarried. But it didn't matter if she hadn't known...she still felt guilty for harboring any sort of feelings for him at all. She was no home-wrecker.

She knew she'd had no chance with him anyway- what would a Vulcan want with _her_, a poor college student who barely scraped by and was completely unintelligent compared to him? What would a Vulcan want with an emotional _human_ female?

Amanda couldn't bear to watch them any more and instead looked down at the floor. She felt her face burning...she knew there was no reason to be ashamed, but she was. If she'd known she had no chance, then why was she now so crestfallen? A part of her must have hoped...

"Miss Grayson." His voice interrupted her self-deprecating thoughts and she looked up. "T'Shan will show you to your room."

Amanda nodded and watched as he handed her bag to the woman whom she was now sure was his wife. She turned to lead her up the stairs and Amanda followed.

Neither of them spoke as she was led down a hallway and to a door. T'Shan pressed a button next to it and the door slid open. She went inside and placed Amanda's bag on the bed before turning to speak to her for the first time.

"Is there anything you require?" she asked, folding her hands before her.

"No...no, thank you." Amanda gave a strained smile. _Well, this is awkward_, she thought. She had a crush on this woman's husband.

Of course, crush was _such _a juvenile term...and it didn't really seem accurate. She didn't think this was just a silly crush. This was true, deep attraction- _magnetism _almost.

It didn't matter how much she berated herself- she couldn't make it go away.

Once T'Shan was gone Amanda sank down onto the bed and looked around her. The room was plain, without decoration; only a bed, two small nightstands, a door that led to her own bathroom, and another that was a small closet. It would serve its purpose.

She stood and got the things she needed out of her bag and went to the bathroom to get ready for bed. It had been a long day- she had worked all day only to come home to find her apartment broken into, and now she'd found out that the man she had been steadily growing to like more and more for the last few weeks was married. She needed a good night's sleep. Maybe, just maybe, she would feel a little less miserable in the morning.

* * *

She didn't.

When she woke up she still had the same woes as when she'd gone to bed. She wasn't sure why she had thought it would be any different. Maybe she had hoped it was all a really bad dream.

Amanda showered and dressed in a white button-down blouse and charcoal-gray slacks. Then she realized that she didn't know where she was supposed to go or what she was supposed to do.

She wandered out into the hall and toward the stairs. When she was halfway there, a door to her left opened and Sarek came out. This in itself did not perturb her but his state of dress- or lack thereof- did. He wore only a pair of black pants and his chest was bare.

Needless to say she was transfixed. He however, did not seem the least bit bothered by it.

"Did you find your quarters conducive to rest, Miss Grayson?" he asked as politely as ever. It was strange to see him acting so formal when she was staring at his chest. He had perfectly formed muscles that rippled with power as he moved.

"I- yes, I did," Amanda replied, tearing her eyes off him. She tried to ignore his state of undress. It was difficult.

"I have just returned from my morning exercise. If you will wait here while I dress, I will escort you to the dining room."

Amanda could only nod. She was usually so articulate, so in control of herself. But he had a knack for making her speechless. Especially when he was half-naked.

She watched him go, admiring the way the smooth muscles of his back flowed under the skin as he walked. She shook herself out of her stupor and turned away. There she went again...admiring someone who was already taken.

She was beyond relieved when she saw him come out of his room fully dressed in his Vulcan attire of tunic and pants. He silently led her down the hall and the staircase, then through a door to their right. They were in another hallway- and then he led her into a dining room.

"On Vulcan it is tradition for the guest to awaken before sunrise to prepare the morning meal. However, as we are not on Vulcan and you are human, I saw no need to observe that particular tradition," Sarek said as he sat at the head of the table. She sat in the chair to his right. "I have already found a contact number for someone who can repair your door, Miss Grayson," he added, changing the subject abruptly.

"You didn't have to do that," Amanda said, again feeling uncomfortable. "Really, Ambassador, you've done too much already. Thank you for letting me stay here."

"It was no trouble to find the number or to allow you to stay here, as I have already said," Sarek said firmly. Amanda gave him a small, grateful smile. He continued to look at her for a moment and Amanda wondered if there was something he wanted to say but thought better of it. He turned instead to the door which had just opened. T'Shan entered, carrying two bowls.

"Plomeek soup. I have heard Terrans say they find Vulcan dishes to be...lacking in taste," he warned. Amanda decided to be brave enough to try it and picked up her spoon. She dipped it into the soup and tasted it. He was right- it was bland. But she'd tasted worse non-Terran foods...she would be able to choke this down.

T'Shan disappeared back into what Amanda guessed was the kitchen.

"Is T'Shan not going to join us?" she asked. Sarek looked sharply up at her.

"Why would she?" he asked. Amanda looked down at her bowl, unsure of how to proceed.

"I don't know...I thought maybe..." She winced at her own inability to just come right out and say it. She chanced a look at Sarek. He slowly sat back in his chair, head tilted slightly, his intense dark eyes on her.

"You are under the impression that she is my bonded mate." It was not a question.

Amanda wasn't sure what a "bonded mate" was exactly, but she had a pretty good idea.

"So...she isn't?" she asked. Sarek's eyes did not leave her. She even thought that they may have softened just a tiny bit- but perhaps that was wishful thinking.

"No, she is not," he replied. "I have no bond mate. I have not had one for several years."

"Oh." It was barely a sound, more like a sigh. She couldn't account for the relief that was rolling over her. So she could be free to think about him shirtless, after all...

"I assume..." Sarek leaned forward slightly, picking up his spoon again. "That you do not, either?"

Amanda struggled not to smile as hope began to fill her once again.

"No. I don't," she said and let her smile bloom fully as she looked up at him. They looked at each other for a long time- and then returned to their breakfast, talking quietly.

Amanda felt at peace- like she belonged here.

**A/N: Hmm...I think there will be an interesting development in the next chapter.**

**T'Shan will play a bigger role later on. So I didn't just stick her in there to make Amanda sweat ;) She's in Essential as well.**


	6. Declare

**Chapter 6: Declare**

There was something about Amanda's presence Sarek found to be conducive to a state of peace. At times her behavior was rather erratic- but she was human, after all. More often than not her emotionalism was kept to a minimum.

She was calmest during the lunches she spent with him in his office. At other times she seemed nervous around him. Even now he knew she was not completely relaxed, judging by her rigid posture.

"Miss Grayson, is there anything you require to be more comfortable?" he asked. They were sitting in his 'living room' as the Terrans called it. He sat in a chair and she sat on a sofa across from him.

Finally, she seemed to relax and sank back into the cushions.

"No, Ambassador," she replied, and gifted him with one of her gentle smiles. His eyes lingered on her face for a moment before he looked away. There were times when he almost wished she would call him by his given name. He wondered what it would sound like when uttered by her lips.

The room was silent, but it was a comfortable silence. Amanda was looking at the Terran decorations- the paintings of scenery and Chinese vases that had come with the house. Soft light poured in through the windows, illuminating her pale skin and making her chestnut-brown hair glisten as she moved her head. The corners of her lips curved very slightly upward- not quite a smile but almost. He had found since being on Earth that smiles- at least hers- were pleasant to look at. They softened her facial features, brightened her eyes...

"You have said that you attend a university," Sarek said. Amanda looked away from a painting of rolling green hills, towards him.

"Yes, San Francisco State. I'll be graduating next spring. I can't wait- I'll finally be done with hectic class and work schedules. I'm going to put in applications at schools soon- the sooner I can get away from the embassy the better."

"You seem to dislike working there," Sarek observed. He found it strange that the thought of Amanda no longer being at the embassy discomfited him. It simply would not be the same without her to call upon for assistance.

"It's not too bad sometimes. But my boss...and this girl I work with, Karen..."Amanda's smile was now more strained.

Ah...she knew the strange blonde woman. Perhaps now would be a good time to ask about her odd behavior.

"This...Karen. She was in my office three weeks ago. She exhibited some peculiar behavior," Sarek said. Amanda sat up and he thought the expression on her face was 'amused'.

"Peculiar?" she asked. "How so?"

"The tone of her voice was several octaves higher than I believe normal for her and she blinked rapidly. She seemed persistent in asking if I required her help...and she touched my shoulder." He felt displeasure at the memory. "Is this behavior normal for her?"

She was definitely smiling now, but attempting to suppress it. "Well...I guess you can say it's normal. It's called _flirting_, Ambassador."

"Flirting," he repeated flatly.

"Yes, it's...a pre-mating ritual, I guess you can say. Humans do it to show they're interested."

"I see," Sarek said. "And this Karen has an interest in me."

"Yes, I think so."

"And what other mannerisms are used in this 'flirting'?"

"Usually there's a little touching involved- which explains why she touched your shoulder. Smiling, too...and sometimes, if it's a woman, they play with their hair or fidget with something as they talk."

"Humans have strange pre-mating rituals. Vulcans do not bother with courtship," Sarek commented. "In fact, humans have many strange, barbaric customs. If they ceased these inane rituals and adopted more logical ones then they could concentrate on improving their primitive society."

Her smile faded and she cleared her throat. "You know, it's rude to slight my people right in front of me." Her voice had a hard edge to it. He recognized the tone- she used it when he said something that offended her.

"I am only speaking the truth," he replied. She sat up straighter.

"Well, like I said before there are some things that need to be left unsaid, Ambassador. I'm well aware that you're...inexperienced with Terrans. You're out of your element here. That's why I'm trying to teach you about us. This isn't just to make you more comfortable about being surrounded by us _barbaric_ people, but it will help you professionally as well. You're a diplomat- you need to understand Terrans enough to know when to believe what they are telling you. It's no secret that our politicians can be deceptive. You could potentially damage Vulcan's relations with Earth by saying the wrong thing and insulting the wrong person. Trust me, we take offense at even the smallest of insults. There have been whole wars fought in our history just because one person made a derogatory comment about another. You may be right that we're barbaric in some of our ways- but that doesn't mean you have a right to belittle us. We are trying our best with what we have and we are still a young species compared to Vulcans. We still have plenty to learn, but we are our own people with our own traditions and behaviors. So please...keep any negative thoughts you have about our customs to yourself."

Sarek raised his eyebrows slightly and tilted his head as he looked at the woman opposite him. It was precisely these moments when he admired her the most.

"You are correct, Miss Grayson. Please disregard my comments. You are assisting me in an important matter and I should not forget that."

Her features, which had hardened during her speech, softened little by little. Then she gave him another small smile. "I know you meant no offense, Ambassador. I'm just very fond of my people and our 'barbaric' ways."

"As is every culture, Miss Grayson," Sarek replied. They looked at one another for several more seconds. Then his communication console chimed, signaling an incoming call. "Excuse me, I must take this," he said as he stood from his chair. Amanda nodded and stood also.

"I should call and see if my door has been fixed yet," she said and as she walked away, he found himself illogically hoping it would take another day.

* * *

Amanda was leery about returning to her apartment that night- but there was no logical reason for her to stay at Sarek's home when her door was now secure. He took her home himself and did not pull away from the curb until she was safely inside. It made her feel...protected. Like someone actually cared what happened to her- and maybe he did, even if he did not show it.

She spent the evening cleaning up the broken glass and straightening the pieces of furniture that had been knocked aside by whoever had broken in. As far as she knew the police had not caught the intruders. She didn't think that they ever would. This sort of thing happened all the time in the Tenderloin- hers was probably one of twenty homes broken into that night. Policework had certainly not improved in the last few centuries.

After a solitary supper of a ham sandwich and a salad, she went to bed. She had nothing else to do. And she realized something; sleeping in a house with other people- even if they were strangers and nowhere nearby- was better than sleeping alone. For a whole day she had been able to forget her loneliness. Now it was back.

* * *

The following Friday she was unable to go to Sarek's office for lunch due to a report she had to compile for Linette. So instead, she went after her shift to have their weekly discussion. She had plenty of time to catch the shuttle- which meant she could stay as long as he had free time.

She'd once thought his calmness was intimidating- and occasionally it still was. But now it was comforting to her. When in his working environment she relaxed with him like she did nowhere else. Perhaps it was because the door was always open- so she did not have to worry about acting on her impulses.

When she came to his office he always set aside whatever he had been working on and gave her his full attention. She knew he listened to what she had to say- and that was only one of many things about him that was infinitely superior to human males.

"Ambassador, how did you ever get into politics?" Amanda asked, absentmindedly twirling a strand of hair around one finger. Sarek's eyes were riveted on that finger, but her eyes were unfocused as she stared out the window behind him. "Did you always want to be a diplomat?"

"I never 'wanted' to be anything, Miss Grayson," Sarek said. "It was a logical choice, given my familial background and academic strongpoints."

"Familial background?" she asked, turning her gaze onto his.

"My father and grandfather were also diplomats," Sarek replied. "How did you come to pursue a career in education?"

"Familial background and academic strongpoints," she replied with a teasing smile. She finally stopped twirling the hair and crossed her arms, resting them on his desk. "My mother was a teacher. My father was a teacher. That's how they met- they both taught at the same high school. I made up my mind about what I wanted to be years ago and I've been working toward it ever since."

"Such determination is rare among your species as far as I have been able to tell," Sarek observed. She laughed softly.

"Maybe. But my parents always encouraged me. Dad died when I was thirteen and then Mom encouraged me enough for the both of them. She died two years ago, which cemented it even further. Now all I have left is my sister. She goes to San Francisco State too, but I rarely see her. She lives on campus."

Amanda wasn't sure why she was sharing such personal information with him. She hadn't realized that she was _that_ comfortable with him. When had that happened? After he took her in for a night the week before? When he had shown her such generosity?

"I regret to hear of your misfortunes," Sarek said. She smiled at him, eyes crinkling up at the corners.

"You're not as bad as I thought you were when I first met you, you know," she said.

"I believe the term is 'likewise'," Sarek countered.

"Was that a _joke_?" she asked, and laughed.

"It was not my intention to be humorous but if you found it to be so, I am pleased," Sarek replied. She shook her head at him and then glanced around for the time.

"What time is it?" she asked.

"1700 hours," Sarek responded.

"I've been here an hour?" she asked. "Well, I should probably get going. I have an essay to write and I prefer to get my work started on Friday evenings."

She stood and picked up her bag before turning back to Sarek. He spoke before she had the chance to say her goodbyes.

"There is a matter of great importance that I wish to speak of with you," he said. Looking closer, she saw that he _almost_ seemed nervous. His hands were folded and resting on the desktop as usual, but he seemed to be clenching them and was sitting rigidly in his chair.

"What is it?" she asked. He stood from his chair and walked around the desk towards the door. He pressed a button and it slid shut. Now she was perplexed. "What's going on?" she asked as Sarek returned to the other side of his desk but did not sit down again. He looked at her, dark eyes penetrating. He still did not answer her. "Sarek?" she finally ventured, looking up at him questioningly.

He blinked and that seemed to draw him out of his reverie.

"Amanda..." His voice was low, his deep voice almost caressing her name. She gasped at the effect this had on her body. "What do you know about _koon-ut so'lik_?"


	7. Culture Clash

**Chapter 7: Culture Clash**

Amanda stared at the Vulcan before her, stunned. "I know what it means," she finally replied. "Why do you ask?"

He tilted his head slightly to the side, his eyes still on hers.

"I believe you know, Amanda," he said quietly. "I wish to declare _koon-ut so'lik_."

Amanda continued to stare at him, her mind working fast. She had known him three months- she had been coming to his office every week for almost two. She'd spent hours here; talking to him, teaching him, enjoying his company more than she even realized. During the time they had been acquainted they had not touched, kissed, been on a date- or even been closer than three feet to one another. She knew virtually nothing about Sarek and he had never hinted at even the slightest amount of attraction for her.

Yet here he was- making a formal Vulcan marriage proposal.

She was shocked. She was disbelieving- she was even flattered. But beyond all that she was confused. So she did the only thing she could possibly do in such an absurd, uncomfortable situation: she laughed.

It was a nervous laugh- not indicative of humor. How does one respond to such a proposal? She liked him, she really did- he was handsome and his mysteriousness was alluring...he had always been so kind to her...but _marriage_?

"I do not see the humor in this situation," Sarek now said. His shoulders were tense, his back stiff. He looked away from her for the first time, towards the window.

"It's _not _funny. It's just- I don't understand. I'm _shocked_. Why are you proposing to me? We barely know each other!" Amanda's laughter died away. Then she remembered something he'd told her- Vulcans don't have courtship rituals. "Sarek?" she asked. He looked up at her again.

"I see that I have made a grave error," he said.

"Yes, you have. But you still haven't answered my question. Why are you proposing to me?" she asked. She folded her arms, hugging herself.

"I have several logical reasons," Sarek replied. He clasped his hands behind his back. "I believe closer contact with a human would further improve my understanding of them- and one cannot possibly get closer to a human than marriage."

Amanda felt her shock being replaced by something else...indignation. _That _should not have been his answer. Her brow furrowed but she continued to listen.

"That is how this would be most beneficial to me. It would quite possibly be more so for you. You would live with me at my estate instead of at your current location, which has been proven unsafe. Your debts would be easily dissolved. And you would no longer have to work unless you wish to."

By the time he was finished speaking Amanda's lips were pressed together in a thin line and her brown eyes were hard as she looked at him.

"Those _are_ logical reasons, Sarek. But they're not the _right _reasons," she said in a low, cold voice. Sarek's eyebrows rose minutely.

"I do not understand. It would be highly beneficial to us both. You are an attractive woman and I am aware that you are attracted to me also. We are compatible. What other reasons are needed?"

Amanda drew in a deep breath, trying to will away her rising anger at his words. The differences between them, between their cultures, had never been more obvious than they were right now.

"There are _plenty_ of other reasons," Amanda began. "You have made two 'very grave' errors. For one- humans _don't_ marry for 'logical' reasons. We did away with marriages of convenience a long time ago. We marry because we have _emotional_ attachment to another person and want to spend our lives with them- have children with them, share our joys and sorrows with them. I would _never _marry you only because you can absolve my problems. I would rather deal with them myself than marry a man who doesn't love me.

"Where your other error lies is- unlike Vulcans, we _do_ have courtship rituals and they're extremely important to us. You can't just propose out of nowhere like this to a _human_. A Vulcan would probably think it's perfectly logical and would have agreed already- but I'm _not_ Vulcan.

"Humans need to actually _know_ someone before they decide to marry them. We go on dates- we kiss, we make love, we _learn _about each other first- usually months or even _years _before a proposal! We don't just suddenly decide that we want to get married when we haven't even _touched_! I thought you'd learned enough about us to understand that we're not like you, Sarek!"

He listened as attentively as he ever did, his black eyes not leaving her face even as she became increasingly upset. He could not possibly know how hurt, how _angry_ she was. Even though she knew it was not his fault- that he simply misunderstood and assumed incorrectly- she could not control her reactions.

"I don't like being proposed to at all under these circumstances- but I would have at _least_ preferred to be proposed to for reasons other than just being _Terran_!"

Silence fell and Amanda stood there, arms still folded, hands trembling as she looked at him. Finally she lowered her arms and leaned over to pick up her bag, which she had set on the floor.

"I'm sorry, Sarek. I don't know what made you think you were doing the right thing, but you weren't. There's still so much you don't understand about me, about humans in general. We put a lot of importance on our emotions- it figures into every decision we make. We're not logical," she said softly. She had the urge to reach out and touch his arm- somehow, she knew she'd hurt him. She had no idea _how_ she knew- perhaps it was because he was no longer looking at her, his eyes trained on the floor instead. But she didn't dare reach out. She looked at him one last time. "See you around sometime, Ambassador," she said sadly, and then left.

* * *

Sarek watched her leave. Once her footsteps no longer resonated in the hallway he turned to the window. Exactly two minutes later she came out of the building and stood on the sidewalk. She appeared to be in a pensive mood as she stared down at the pavement, her arms crossed over her chest.

He could not describe how he felt. He had no words, no names for the emotions unfurling within him.

It had all started that one day three months before when she'd informed him that she was "adept" at her job. She had fascinated him with her defensiveness- even if it could also be called rudeness. And when something fascinated him he wanted to learn more about it.

So he began to watch her. He learned her habits. She came in early and drank coffee in the lobby before starting her work, and later ate her lunch there as well. She often passed his office while completing her tasks and he occasionally asked her to run errands for him. She left at 1600 hours.

He'd been watching her the day a man ran into her, scattering her PADDs everywhere. He had seen how no one stopped to help her, and it irritated him. Where was the logic in not helping someone so obviously in need? He had helped her himself. She hadn't seemed particularly pleased to see him- but he was pleased to see her. He did not understand why. She was only a human, after all- although an aesthetically pleasing female.

Over the next month he had only seen her when she briefly stopped in his office or when he watched her from his window as she waited for her transportation. He found himself illogically desiring to see her up close, and for longer than a few seconds at a time. So he finally asked her to assist him in learning about humans...his motivations may not have been entirely logical, but logical enough. He _did_ need to learn more about Terrans.

He had not understood it- he _still _did not. Why was it that every time he heard the clicking of those ridiculous high heels that women wore in the hallway, he automatically thought of her? Why was it that whenever he saw someone smile, he immediately compared it to hers- and why did he never seem to find anyone else's smile as pleasant?

_Why_ did he so often desire her to touch him- even a slight brush against his arm? This was not logical. This was un-Vulcan.

These illogical desires had grown when she began to spend time in his office. He observed her closely, taking note of every smile she gave him- admiring her pale, flawless skin and the way her eyes brightened when she spoke about certain subjects that were of interest to her. She was very lively when she was comfortable enough to relax. He'd soon discovered that her laughs were far more pleasant than her smiles- and considering how much he enjoyed her smiles...

And then...he had taken her to her home that night. He'd said nothing about where she lived but he greatly disapproved. Not because of the condition of her surroundings but because of the criminals. What if she had been home when they broke in? They could have hurt her, violated her- _killed _her. The thought of her being killed in such a senseless way filled him with rage and sorrow. He had needed to meditate three whole hours that evening. The possibility of her being in danger had awoken strange feelings of possessiveness within him. This would not do- she was not his bonded mate. She was not his- he had no right to feel this way about her.

Ever since she'd stayed the night at his home a week before, he had contemplated taking her as his mate. He had arrived at several logical reasons for it- including one that he had not informed her of due to its private nature. He had calculated that in 1.6 years he would enter his Time- and he would need a mate. He wanted that to be her. She was strong- that was one of the first things he had noticed about her. She could handle him.

Yet...it seemed his logic had somewhere along the line been faulty. She had told him of "flirting", which was a pre-mating ritual. He'd assumed flirting was an immediate precursor to marriage- that once interest was shown it was appropriate to proposition marriage. It appeared he was quite wrong. Flirting was not the courtship ritual itself, but more of a pre-courtship ritual. When he had seen Amanda touching her hair- which she'd said was an indicator of flirting and he was still confident that she had been doing so, even if it was unintentional- he had known that she was interested in him. He had taken that to mean his proposal would not be unwelcome.

He had been very, very wrong.

Then there was what she'd said...she had informed him she would not marry him for "logical reasons". She would only marry him for "love". Was love this strange emotion he felt when she was near him- that warm, light feeling he experienced when she smiled and laughed? If that was love, then what was this heavy, sorrowful emotion that now filled him as he realized he had irrevocably "fucked up", as humans said?

She would not marry him because he had not informed her he had developed an emotional attachment for her- he had given her the wrong reasons. But he could not tell her that even if he wanted to...and she would not even consider his proposal without the practice of human courtship.

Was it too late? Or could he still redeem himself?

He watched as the shuttle approached. Amanda, who had been staring at the ground the whole time that Sarek had stared at _her_, boarded and sat down. As it drove away he felt the heavy emotion within him weigh him down further.

He could not give up. But _how_ was he going to make her want to marry him? _How_ was he going to make her love him?

Sarek did not know the answers...but he was going to try.

He needed to go home- he had research to do.


	8. Starting Over

**Chapter 8: Starting Over**

Sarek sat before a computer console. He'd just began his research and had found a very helpful document. It was a bit outdated...but how much could human mating rituals have changed over the centuries? He leaned closer to the screen and began to read.

_First of all, if you're interested you gotta show it. Flirt a little- laugh, smile, touch their shoulder..._

He decided that a marriage proposal had been indicative enough of his interest. He moved on to the next step.

_Once interest has been communicated, feel free to ask for their phone number..._

This document really must be quite old if it mentioned "phone numbers". He skipped that one too.

_Call her up and ask her out. First dates have to be special- good first impressions are lasting ones. Take her out to dinner at a nice place and don't be cheap- then go somewhere fun afterward. Feel free to get creative with your date ideas, but it has to be romantic and something they'll never forget. It helps if you keep your plans for the night secret- build anticipation!_

It did not tell him _how_ he should ask her on a date. And what did they mean by "romantic"? What would _Amanda_ find to be romantic? And _fun_? What was fun to humans? It seemed he still had more research to do...

_And don't forget- flowers are a girl's best friend! To get on her good side early bring her a gift. Roses may send too strong a message this early in the relationship, so settle with something a little more subtle._

Sarek would have to look up a local florist. He _did_ want to "get on her good side early." What a strange expression.

_During dinner, open up a little. But don't talk about yourself TOO much- women hate that. Give her a chance to talk, too. Share a childhood memory, talk about your family, your favorite food- anything you think she should know about you! Just don't get _too _personal- don't ever talk about ex-girlfriends. _

Perhaps this would be more difficult than he'd anticipated. "Open up"? Vulcans did not share private information easily. He would prefer to listen to _her_ speak. He enjoyed the times in his office when she spoke about anything and everything and he could be free to simply sit there and listen, letting the smoothness of her voice wash over him...

_If you've done a good job, you'll know. Walk her to her door and if she stands there looking at you for longer than ten seconds, she wants a good night kiss. That is the key indicator of a first date gone well. _

_Continue to show her a good time and maybe by the end of a future date she'll invite you inside to spend the night. Just remember- use protection!_

Sarek stared at the screen. Good night kisses? Spending the night? Using protection? He began to feel uneasy. He had not considered this before...humans were very keen on physical contact. And apparently it was an important part of courtship. They even engaged in sexual intercourse before marriage for no logical reason.

Vulcans on the other hand...he had been bonded to a female at the age of seven, as was customary. But other than joining their fingers in the _ozh'esta_, a traditional sign of marriage, he'd rarely touched T'Nik throughout the years of their bonding...unless he was in his Time of course. Touching a woman to whom he was not bonded in any way would be a great challenge for him.

He and T'Nik had dissolved their bond six years before, after his last Pon Farr. It had been a mutual agreement- T'Nik was a scientist and wished to be placed on a distant science station in space to study spacial anomalies. She would have been out of physical reach by the time his next Pon Farr came...they agreed that he should find another mate in the intervening seven years. He had not until this time really considered it.

This courtship was going to be difficult- he had already known that. "Opening up" would not be easy. But physical contact for the mere enjoyment of it? This was the one area he knew he would struggle with the most. He must become much more comfortable with her before he allowed such intimacy as even touching her hand. As for kissing and sexual relations...he could not even imagine participating in those. Kissing was a human custom, not Vulcan. What was there to enjoy in pressing their lips together and exchanging saliva? And sexual relations...he would not engage in those without a bond in place. At least _then _he would have the excuse of pleasing his bond mate rather than none at all other than self-gratification.

Sarek now entered new search terms. He needed to know how long courtship lasted before a proposal could be appropriately made. The results disappointed him.

_Most couples wait at LEAST a year before thinking about marriage- usually longer. You need to make sure you're compatible with one another before making such a big decision. If there are issues you fight about regularly or your significant other has a particular habit that annoys you to no end, you need to work on it before deciding on something a little more permanent. Make sure your love is long and lasting- you don't want to end up miserable shortly after your marriage. And trust is a big, big issue. You HAVE to trust your partner and they have to trust you. _

_If you both ARE ready for marriage- buy her a diamond ring and kneel down on one knee. Let her know how much she means to you and ask her The Question. If she says yes- you're all set and wedding bells start ringing!_

A _year_? Or _more_? He did not wish to wait that long for her. He already _knew_ he wanted her as his wife. He was only considering courtship because it was what _she_ wanted. He already knew they were compatible and he did not believe there was anything about her he would ever find "annoying". And then there was this _love_ again...it did seem to matter quite a lot in human mating. And trust...it was not a matter of him trusting her, because he did...but did _she_ trust _him_? If not, how to secure her trust? Did that come along with love?

And _what_ was the point of a diamond ring and kneeling down on one knee? Humans were strange creatures. The Vulcan form of a marriage proposal was much simpler and kept one's dignity intact.

Sarek leaned back in his chair, studying his computer screen. He still had plenty of research to complete...he had only answered some of his questions. He had many more and he wished to do this correctly. He could only hope she accepted his offer for a 'date' after the mistake he'd made that day.

But for her...this would be worth it.

* * *

Amanda sat her desk, chewing on the end of her stylus absentmindedly as she stared at the computer screen before her. She was startled when a PADD suddenly slammed down onto her desk.

"Grayson, this is work, not daydream-time," Linette snapped. "Karen's on break, so take this to Ambassador Sarek."

Amanda felt her heart stop and her breath catch in her throat. She'd hoped to avoid him as much as possible...how does one act around a man she just turned down? Someone that she had begun to think of as a friend..._possibly_ more?

It had been three days since that disastrous proposal and she'd thought of little else during that time. She had struggled through her homework and even thoroughly cleaned her apartment in an attempt to keep her mind away from Sarek...it had failed.

She would have been content for things to continue how they had been- her admiring him from afar, secretly hoping that one day he might take an interest in her but without ever really believing it would happen. Her feelings for him would have eventually faded away and in the meantime she would still get to enjoy his company every week. Now however...

Everything had changed. She would feel awkward around him now- how could she _not_? The man asked her to marry him! It still felt unreal to her...had it all been some crazy dream? Did Sarek- the _Vulcan_ she just happened to have a crush on- really propose to her? What made it worse was his reasoning for it.

It hurt her that he hadn't proposed because he actually _liked_ her- she was just convenient because she was Terran and had already taught him so much about humans. Part of her had hoped he had feelings for her, that he wanted her as his wife because he _desired_ her. She could have forgiven his abrupt proposal and allowed them to start over if that had been the case. But if he _did_ desire her he would not have told her that, would he? She knew Vulcans did not act on their emotions. Oh, they _had _them all right- they just ignored them for the most part. What if even now he _did _want her for illogical reasons? The thought comforted her slightly.

Now...she had no choice but to see him again. She wasn't sure how she would act or if she would say anything to him. What was there to say? He'd ruined what was becoming a comfortable friendship. There was no way she could look him in the eye anymore without thinking about the fact that he wanted to marry her. But it didn't matter...in just a matter of months she would be out of the embassy and wouldn't have to see him any more at all. The ordeal would be over.

She watched as Linette walked away and picked up the PADD. She stood from her chair and straightened her skirt, heading toward the doorway that led into the hall and down to the lift. She was a professional- she would not let her personal life prevent her from doing her job.

The lift came to a smooth stop on the third floor and she stepped out. She walked down the hall to the familiar door. It was open- he never closed it except for when he wanted to surprise her with a marriage proposal.

She paused for a second in the doorway. Sarek was at his desk, as always. She took a deep, steadying breath and approached him.

"Ambassador," she said and held out the PADD. He set aside his stylus and looked at her.

"Miss Grayson," he said in his deep monotone. He held out his hand and she gave him the PADD.

As she did, his fingers brushed against hers- and she gasped. It was akin to the feeling of being shocked by static electricity and it was accompanied by a surge of sensations and emotions that were not hers. She pulled her hand away quickly, staring at him. He did not even blink...she began to suspect the brief contact had not been accidental.

They had never touched before in any way. She'd known he was a touch telepath but that feeling...it was _unexpected_, but not unpleasant. And the emotions that had accompanied it were surprising- and encouraging...

"Ambassador?" she repeated, her voice quieter than before. He still had not broken their eye contact. The way his eyes bore into hers was somehow more erotic than anything she had ever experienced. She felt her whole body heat up and her heart beat faster. She swallowed and then wet her lips. "Sarek?" she asked in a low voice.

He finally looked away, down at the PADD he still held. He signed the document with his stylus and held it out to her. She hoped as she took it back that he would brush his fingers against hers again but he did not.

"Amanda. I regret what happened Friday evening," he said, his eyes back on hers again. "I was severely mistaken and approached the situation incorrectly."

"Yes, you did," she smiled at him gently. Had she really dreaded seeing him again?

"Perhaps to make amends we could consume nourishment together this Friday evening?"

She had to bite her lip to keep from laughing at his phrasing. Was he actually asking her out on a _date_? If he was, he was asking in a very unromantic Vulcan way. Which made it all the more endearing.

"You know, humans usually have dinner together _before_ a proposal," she teased. "We're doing this a bit backwards."

"Is that a refusal or an agreement?" he asked, tilting his head slightly.

Amanda thought about it...in any other circumstance she would have said no. But she'd felt his emotions when he touched her...it didn't matter whether it had been on purpose or not, although she was now sure it _had_ been. The feelings had been warm, _genuine_. It was hard to believe that such warm emotions could be felt from someone who appeared as cold as a Vulcan did. She wasn't sure that it was _love_, precisely, but it certainly was a beginning. It gave her renewed hope.

"Let me ask you something. Are you only asking for those same _logical _reasons? Or do you actually _want _to date me- maybe for an illogical reason?"

Sarek eyed her. He seemed to be pondering his answer. "I believe that I may have both logical and illogical reasons," he finally replied. Amanda let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. So, he had illogical reasons did he? And anything _he_ found to be illogical, was logical for her...she took a deep breath.

"I think we should start over," Amanda said. "Let's pretend Friday didn't happen."

"To pretend that I did not err grievously would be illogical," Sarek replied, frowning slightly.

"Sarek, please listen to me." She was smiling wider now. "Yes, I will go on a date with you on Friday."

He was silent for a moment, regarding her. "You are sure?"

"Am _I _sure?" Now she laughed. "_You _asked _me_!"

"You seemed reluctant to have further interactions with me last Friday."

"That's because I was in _shock_. This doesn't mean I'm accepting your proposal, but I would like to go on a date with you."

He continued to look at her and she met his gaze easily. She felt light- _happy_.

"Is 1900 hours acceptable to you?" he asked.

"Very acceptable," she replied, trying to restrain her smile but failing.

"I will arrive at that time," he said. She nodded- he would probably be there at _exactly_ that time.

"I'll see you then." She started to back away toward the door, holding the PADD against her chest.

"Will you come to my office for lunch that day, also?" he asked. She nodded, not trusting herself to speak, and flashed him one more smile before turning to leave his office.

Amanda couldn't stop smiling. She wondered what he had planned...perhaps she should be a bit nervous about that. If his idea of asking her out was to ask her to consume nourishment with him...

She would worry about that later. The fact that she even _had _a date with him was enough. And she was now sure he felt at least _something_ for her...

As she entered the lift she decided she would have to buy Linette a big thank-you present for making her deliver that PADD.

**A/N: Hmm...I wonder what Sarek has planned? If I were her, I would be a bit nervous too...**

**Let's just hope Sarek learned from his research.**


	9. First Date

**Chapter 9: First Date**

It was Friday.

Sarek had been looking forward to this day all week. It was not logical but it was nevertheless true. He would see Amanda during her lunch hour- and then again for dinner. Why would he _not_ look forward to it?

When she arrived with a sandwich and a bottle of water as she always did at noon, she was smiling and her eyes were bright. She was clearly pleased to see him- which in turn pleased _him_.

They had not seen much of each other since Monday. She'd mostly been working at her desk and when she _did_ venture down to the third floor it was to deliver things to other ambassadors. It had been a disappointing week.

But now...she would be here for a whole hour. Although he did have a report to complete that was due to be sent to the Vulcan High Council the next day, he set it aside as she sat across from him.

"Good afternoon, Ambassador," she said.

"I was under the impression we had dispensed with formal titles," Sarek replied.

"So you _want _me to call you Sarek?" she asked, and he now recognized the lilting tone in her voice as 'flirtatious'. Although there was no further need for her to express her interest she was doing so.

"That would be evident, Amanda," he said. Apparently this was the correct thing to say, as her smile widened. He did not believe he could tire of those simple muscle contractions.

It was another pleasant lunch hour. She told him about a history class she was taking that concentrated on major historical events in all known alien cultures. They had recently begun to study the Vulcan transition from peoples of passion to logical followers of Surak. She had to write an essay on how it had affected their technological development. He was more than pleased to give her a Vulcan's insight into the matter.

By the time she left he was at peace. Her presence, oddly enough, had the same effect on him as meditation did. He found it easier to center himself and concentrate as he returned to his work.

He was unaware of his surroundings until he heard high heels on the marble floor again. He listened closely- but soon returned to his work again. He had learned to distinguish Amanda's footsteps from everyone else's and those were not hers.

He was mildly surprised when the footsteps stopped at his door. He looked up- and immediately felt something akin to dread. It was Karen.

"Hello, Ambassador," Karen said with the same flirtatious inflections she had used before. He decided he did not appreciate those inflections coming from anyone but Amanda. He sat back to observe her.

"Yes, Miss...?"

"Last name's Bennett but you can call me Karen, like I said before." She was blinking rapidly again. He was thankful Amanda did not have that particular habit...he may find it "annoying" and have to rethink a future proposal.

"Is there something you require, Miss Bennett?" he asked firmly. She sighed exaggeratedly and leaned on the button that closed the door, trying to make it seem like an accident. "Oops!" she said as it slid closed. "Clumsy me."

He really did not think he'd ever met a stranger woman.

"Have you consumed alcohol, Miss Bennett? I have heard it can affect humans negatively," he said. She giggled.

"Of course not!" she said and she came closer, hips swinging. She ran her hand over his desk, looking up at him from under her lashes. "You know, I've waited almost a _month_ now for you to call for me."

"I did not need your assistance," he replied simply. She sighed again.

"You know, I think you're very good-looking, Ambassador Sarek," she said. "You caught my eye right away."

He also decided he did not like the way she said his name. He did not know _why_- but he didn't.

"I do not know how I am expected to respond to that," Sarek replied. "Miss Bennett, if there is no reason for you to be here-"

"You're supposed to respond to that by asking me out. And if you want to we can go back to your place afterward," Karen interrupted. Now that Sarek knew where she was going with this he had an answer ready for her.

"Miss Bennett, I am sure many males find you attractive. I do not. Please desist from your pointless sexual advances. I am not interested, nor shall I ever be."

Her jaw dropped in shock and indignation. Her mouth worked unattractively for a moment- she reminded him of a gaping fish. Then it snapped shut and her blue eyes turned icy cold.

"That was rude, Ambassador. I wasn't really all that interested in some cold-blooded _Vulcan_ anyway." She tossed her head, blonde curls bouncing as she walked back to the door. She paused just before opening it. "You had a once in a lifetime chance to sleep with a Terran who knows a few tricks and you just blew it."

Then, thankfully, she was gone. Relieved, he returned to his work. He hoped she would not bother him again.

* * *

Amanda looked into the mirror in her bathroom, brow furrowed as she turned her head from side to side, trying to make sure her hair was presentable. She doubted he would really care anyway, but she wanted to look as nice as possible.

She was nervous. It had been a long time since she'd been on a date. And she really, really wanted this to go well. Even if he was completely unromantic the whole evening, she wanted to have a good time.

Not knowing where he was taking her, she'd opted for a simple black dress that would work for either semi-formal or formal occasions. It was knee-length with a square-cut neckline and inch-wide straps that held it up. Her hair was loose around her shoulders and she wore low-heeled black shoes and a smidgen of makeup. She was ready.

Amanda glanced at the clock- 1856 hours. He could be there at any time. She smoothed the dress over her stomach and straightened the skirt. She took slow, deep breaths.

Her front door buzzed at 1859.

She smiled to herself as she headed for the door and slid back the bolts.

"You're a minute early," she said as she opened it. She was not surprised to see Sarek there of course- but she _was_ surprised to see that he held a bouquet of _keela_ flowers. "Wow," she said, staring at the white, pink, and purple blooms.

"I believe it is customary," he said, holding them out. Amanda still stared at them- she'd never been given flowers before. How had he known _keela _flowers were her favorite?

"Thank you," she breathed. She looked up at him, eyes shining. "How did you know to get flowers?"

"I researched this event," he said and she bit her lips to keep from laughing. He had obviously put a lot of effort into this- she wasn't about to laugh at him for it. Even _if _getting women flowers for dates hadn't been in fashion for over a hundred years. It was still a sweet gesture.

"I'll go put these in the kitchen. I'll only be a moment," she said and stood back to let him in. She went into the kitchen and put the bouquet in a bowl before returning.

"You still have not replaced your lost items," he said, looking toward the empty space of wall.

"I'm saving up for it," she replied. He turned to her and she felt the heat rising in her cheeks as his dark eyes swept over her.

"You look aesthetically pleasing," he said. Amanda raised her eyebrows.

"We need to work on your compliments," she said as she smiled.

"You are ready to leave now?"

"Yes, I am," she replied and he led her to the door and out to his hover-car. She realized as she got in that her nervousness had mysteriously disappeared as soon as she saw him. In fact, he was probably more nervous than she was- and for good reason. It may have been awhile since she'd last been on a date...but he was completely new to the whole process.

"Where are we going?" she asked as he pulled away from the curb.

"We will have dinner and then I have reservations elsewhere."

She was intrigued. "Where at?" she asked. He looked at her and tilted his head.

"Keeping it a secret will increase your anticipation," he replied. She raised her eyebrows again- she was more than intrigued now.

"How do you know I'll like it, then?" she asked.

"I do not," he replied. She pressed her lips together to keep from laughing. She was having a good time already and they hadn't even gotten to the restaurant yet.

When they _did_ arrive at the restaurant she was glad she'd decided to wear something elegant. It was a high-end, expensive restaurant that catered to all species. She found she was more nervous about going in there than she was about being on a date with a Vulcan.

"I frequent this place often. They have excellent Vulcan dishes," Sarek said as they entered. Amanda looked around- it had an ultra-modern feel to it, with white and chrome everywhere. It was full of a mixture of aliens with an occasional Terran here and there and soft music played in the background. It was highly fashionable...and yet comfortable. She relaxed somewhat as Sarek led her toward a podium where a woman stood.

Soon they were seated at a table tucked away in a corner and their meals had been ordered. Amanda rested her elbows on the table, hands folded underneath her chin as she looked at him.

"For someone who knows nothing about human courtship you're doing a surprisingly good job so far," she commented. He clasped his hands together and rested them on the table.

"I am relieved you think so," he replied. And he _did_ seem relieved- his shoulders were not quite as tense as they had been. He really _was _nervous then. The idea of a Vulcan being nervous about a date made her smile. "Something is humorous," he observed, eyes searching her face.

"I'm glad you asked me out. Even if you _did_ mess up at first," she said.

He did not reply but also did not break their eye contact. Neither did she- and so they sat there simply looking at each other. It was the most comfortable silence she had ever experienced.

* * *

Karen was beyond bored. Her date for the night- some big-shot Bajoran- was talking to some business partner of his they'd just run into. She drummed her fingernails against the counter impatiently but both men ignored her. With a frustrated sigh she turned around, resting her elbows against the bar counter and surveying the crowd before her.

Just the usual mixture- rich aliens and a smattering of rich Terrans. Most of whom she recognized- many of whom she'd slept with. It was no secret that she was a nymphomaniac.

Her eyes roved over the crowd disinterestedly...until they came to a rest on a table in the far corner. She squinted her eyes- surely she was seeing things? Was that the _Vulcan _with- _no_! It _couldn't_ be!

The little bitch had said there was nothing going on between them! Yet there she was- smiling and looking at him like a lovesick schoolgirl! The way she was looking across the table at him as they talked and ate their dinners made her want to vomit.

She watched, gritting her teeth as Amanda laughed at something. Oh, she didn't _care _about the Vulcan- she hadn't really wanted him anyway, she'd told him the truth when she said that. But she had a project to sleep with every species she could and he was the best option she'd seen so far for Vulcans. The point was- _he_ had rejected _her_ but obviously wanted that little mouse! What the hell did Amanda Grayson have that _she_ didn't?

Oh, _hell _no. _No one _rejected her. _No one _rejected her for someone who was obviously inferior to her.

_No one _got away with that.

She would make sure _they_ didn't either. It would take time...she wanted to formulate the perfect plan. But she would bring Amanda Grayson down a peg or two. She turned back to the bar, eyes still flashing but a smirk curling her lips.

* * *

After dinner Sarek took her to a musical performance at an operahouse. It was beautiful- multicolored lights shined down on the stage where Orion dancers twirled, tumbled, spun, and leapt; the light turning their skin blue, pink, red, purple...all to hauntingly beautiful, sad music. It was the most moving performance she'd ever seen. It ended much too soon.

She was almost speechless as he led her back out to the hover-car. Once they were seated inside and he was driving her home, he spoke.

"You have hardly said anything. Did you dislike it?" he asked. Although there was no hint of it in his tone or on his face, she knew he was apprehensive.

"It's not that at all. It was so..._emotional_. I had a wonderful time." Amanda wanted to reach out and touch him- but did not dare.

He did not reply to that. He drove the rest of the way in silence and soon- much too soon- they were there. He accompanied her to the door.

"You found our 'date' to be pleasant?" he asked. She smiled up at him as they stood in front of her door.

"Honestly...it was probably the best date I've ever been on," Amanda confessed.

"Then you would not be averse to another social interaction?" he asked. She laughed.

"No, I wouldn't be," she replied. "Thank you, Sarek. You're definitely on your way to making up for proposing."

He did not reply to that but he was looking at her, his head tilted slightly to the side. She gazed back at him...hoping beyond hope that he would kiss her. Of course, she couldn't _reasonably_ expect it- after all, Vulcans disliked physical contact. It would take some time for him to get used to it...it would be better to work her way up to that later, once they were more comfortable.

She did not see as she turned away toward her door that he'd leaned forward ever so slightly, ever so hesitantly...but drew back when she turned away.

Once the door was open she turned back to him.

"Again...I had a great time. See you on Monday, Sarek."

"Good night, Amanda," he replied. She gave him one last smile before disappearing inside. He heard the locks click as she secured them.

He clasped his hands behind his back and headed to the hover-car.

Perhaps the document had been incorrect about the ten-second good-night-kiss rule.

He did not even stop to think about the fact he had told himself just a few days ago he would never participate in kissing.

Never say never, after all...


	10. The Set Up

**Chapter 10: The Set Up**

There was something about a great date that always put Amanda in a good mood. Now that she'd just had the best date ever, she felt like she was walking on air.

She had moved the flowers from the kitchen into the living room, placing them on the second-hand coffee table she'd picked up for twenty credits the week before. Now she could see them whenever she wanted to- and when she saw them she always broke into a smile.

Now it was Monday again- a week to the day since Sarek asked her out. She found she was almost giddy with hope that she might see him that day, even if only briefly. She felt like a teenager having her first crush and was almost ashamed to admit it.

She walked into the lobby, stopping to get her morning coffee from a replicator. Then she made her way up to the small office that housed her and Karen's desks.

"Have a good weekend, Mandy?" Karen asked from her desk. Amanda was surprised; Karen wasn't usually this polite to her. She was suspicious right away.

"It was fine," Amanda replied. "Yours?"

"Fine. So...did you have any dates or anything?" she asked casually, looking at her computer screen.

"Um...no..." It wasn't that she was ashamed of having been on a date with Sarek. She just didn't think it was any of Karen's business, especially since she'd flirted with him before. The fact that he was taken would probably make her more determined than ever to sleep with him.

Wait a minute...since when did Amanda consider Sarek to be taken?

"What a shame," Karen said with a sigh. "I did. The guy was a loser, though. Not even good in bed."

Amanda's eyebrows rose but she didn't reply. Why were they having this conversation, anyway? She settled into her chair to begin work. She didn't notice that Karen was eying her and smirking again.

* * *

She lied and that cemented her fate.

Karen had gotten the idea over the weekend...she would be able to carry out her plan by Friday. And it was deliciously evil. This should teach Little Miss Vulcan-Lover for catching the eye of someone who rejected _her_.

She knew she had no _reason _to hate her- but who needed reasons to hate someone?

The first thing she had to do was talk to that guy who worked down in Filing. She was sure she'd banged him once- maybe on his desk a few months ago. She was a little fuzzy on the details. She had done a lot of screwing on desks.

"You want me to do _what_?" he asked nervously as she stood before him on Tuesday afternoon, arms folded over her chest.

"You heard me," she said in a low, seductive voice. She placed one finger on his chest, sliding it down to his belly button teasingly. "Please get those data slates for me?" she asked, sticking out her bottom lip in a pout no man could resist.

"I could get in trouble for that- and so could you," he replied. He was a nerdy-looking little man, not very attractive, but she remembered now- he was surprisingly good in bed. Well, on desk anyway. Especially considering the disappointing size of his manhood.

If she had to she would convince him by sexual means. But she hoped she wouldn't have to- she was limited on time.

"Well..." he said hesitantly. "What are you planning on doing with them?"

"I'm looking into something suspicious. I swear I'll have them back to you before the end of the week and no one will find out you gave them to me."

"Well...as long as no one knows I'm involved in whatever it is..." he said. As he turned to a storage vault behind him she smirked once more. He really was an idiot. It was a good thing she didn't even remember his name- he didn't deserve that honor.

"Thank you so much, sweetie," Karen said with a grin as she took the data chips from him. "This is only between you and me, remember? Tell _no one_. Or else you'll be in trouble. If anyone comes here for these files- which I highly doubt anyone would- you tell them they're just gone. Stolen, maybe."

He looked uneasy as she walked away, heels clicking on the tiled floor. But the damage was already done.

Now she just needed to talk to Frank Nolan...he would be tougher. _But_- he was great in bed. And open to persuasion.

* * *

It was Friday again, which meant lunch with Sarek. Fridays were definitely Amanda's favorite day of the week. Brief glimpses of one another were fine but it only made her want to see him more.

"Karen, have you seen my employee replicator card?" Amanda asked absentmindedly. She could have sworn she'd seen it on her desk earlier...

"I think I saw you put it in the middle drawer of your desk," Karen replied, not looking away from her computer. Amanda opened the drawer and moved aside a stash of styluses, her data PADD, some spare data slates...and there! She must have stuck it in there by accident when she put her PADD away. She withdrew it, relieved.

"Thank goodness...I thought I might have to get another one. Linette probably would have thrown a fit," she said. She pocketed the card and left.

Karen grinned sinisterly as she watched Amanda leave. "Too damn easy," she sneered, and got up from her desk. She opened Amanda's desk drawer and gathered up the data slates, careful only to touch the very edges. Then she headed toward Linette's office.

"Linette," she said, walking into the office holding up the slates. "We have a problem."

* * *

Amanda sat in her usual chair across from Sarek. She'd already finished her lunch, but there was still half an hour left of her break and she had every intention of spending it there.

"If it is acceptable to you, we could have dinner together tomorrow night," Sarek said. "I would offer for tonight but I have a meeting I must attend in an hour. I will be leaving for the day when you exit my office."

"Are you staying around just for _me_?" she asked teasingly. His eyebrows rose a little.

"I saw no logical reason to cancel the time we spend together on Friday afternoons when there is plenty of time for me to arrive at the conference."

She took that to be a yes. This filled her with warmth for him.

"And what time will you be picking me up this time?" she asked.

"1900 hours seemed acceptable the last time. I do not see why we should change it now," Sarek replied. "Unless you have assignments you must complete for your classes. Have you finished the essay on Vulcans?"

She wanted to laugh; he sounded more like a parent than a...friend? No, but they were more than that now...what _was_ he in relation to her? More than a friend, not quite a boyfriend...

"Yes I finished it. In fact, I got it back yesterday. Full marks and a bonus for the extra tidbits you gave me. So I _should_ be thanking you." She smiled over at him. "So thanks."

"It was of little trouble," he replied.

"So where are you taking me Saturday? Or are you not going to tell me because secrets 'increase anticipation'?" she asked with a sly grin.

"I have nothing of significance planned. I thought we could simply-"

He was interrupted by someone knocking on the door frame. Sarek looked past her and she twisted around in her chair to see who it was.

"Miss Grayson?" asked a tall man in a blue security uniform.

"Yes, that's me," Amanda said slowly.

"Could you please come with me?" he asked. Amanda blinked, confused, but turned to Sarek.

"I don't know if I'll be back before you leave...so see you tomorrow at 1900," she said in a low voice. Sarek nodded once in agreement. She stood from her chair and joined the security man as he led her to the lift. "What exactly is this about?" she asked him.

"I can't give you details yet, Miss Grayson. You'll have to wait until we get to the director's office," he replied, not looking at her. She frowned, brow furrowed as the lift shuddered to a halt on the correct floor.

She was led to the director's office, where she found the director himself seated behind his desk and Linette standing beside it, arms folded over her chest.

"Miss Grayson, the man who escorted you here is Frank Nolan. He's head of security at the embassy," the director said, waving his hand at Frank.

"What is going on here, sir?" Amanda asked, looking around her.

"Do you recognize these, Grayson?" Linette asked coldly. She held up three red data slates for her to see.

"Well...yes, I do," Amanda replied. "They were in my desk."

"Wait...so you _admit _that these were in your desk?" the director asked incredulously.

"Yes, they were...are you saying I'm here because of a few blank data slates?" she asked, confused and looking from Frank, to Linette, to the director.

"Blank data slates!" The director barked out a laugh. "Don't play stupid, Miss Grayson! You know very well what is on these slates!"

"No, I don't," Amanda said flatly, crossing her arms over her chest and giving him a steely glare.

"These 'blank' data slates," Linette began coolly, advancing toward her. "Have only _your _fingerprints on them. I know because Frank did a scan and matched the prints to your file in the embassy database. The employee who happened to find them in your desk knew right away what they were by the serial numbers printed on them, and knew right away to report this. These _blank_ data slates contain confidential information. They hold information on recent _private _dealings between planetary ambassadors. Information that could be misused if it fell into the wrong hands. Just what were you doing with those slates in your possession, Grayson?"

Amanda was stunned, again looking from one to the other. "You can't seriously believe this, can you?" she asked disbelievingly.

"All the evidence is against you," the director said gravely. He stood from his chair and leaned against his desk. "Just answer the question, Miss Grayson."

"I have no idea! All I know is that there are some spare data slates in my desk. I put them there when I first started working here so I can back up my reports! I honestly have no clue what this is about!"

She couldn't believe the situation she was in. Confidential information? In _her _desk? She felt helpless and frustrated that they didn't seem to believe her.

"Miss Grayson," Frank said. "The slates do, without a doubt, have your prints on them. And only yours. They were in your desk. You admitted to them being there- and they've been reported stolen from Filing."

"I was looking for my replicator card. That's when I touched the slates. But I swear-"

"Miss Grayson, do you realize that this is not only a demonstration of unethical work behavior, but also a crime?" Frank asked. "If you're working for somebody you should tell us now."

"I'm not working for anybody!" Amanda cried, exasperated. "This is crazy- all of it! I have no idea what is happening right now!"

"Calm down, Grayson," Linette said, her eyes narrowed. Amanda took several deep breaths.

"Please listen to me," she said calmly. "I don't know _how _they got there. But I _did not_ have any part in it."

"What are you suggesting- someone _planted_ them there?" Linette snorted. "Why would they do that?"

"I don't know." Amanda swallowed and wet her lips. "But that's the only conclusion I can come up with."

There was a silence. Then the director spoke.

"We can't do anything about this until the situation is investigated further. But so far the evidence is mounting against you. Frank here is going to go over the security feeds later tonight. By tomorrow we'll know the truth."

"And then we're taking this to the authorities," Linette added firmly. "And we do have contact information for your sister- so don't even _think _about fleeing. You'll just make it harder for yourself. You can leave now, Grayson- go home. You're dismissed for the day."

Amanda stood there for a moment longer. She didn't feel anything...she was in shock. Was this _really_ happening to her?

"You're dismissed," the director said coldly. She pressed her lips together and left the office.

She now thought she had an idea of what was going on here. She recalled earlier...

_"Karen, have you seen my employee replicator card?" Amanda asked absentmindedly. She could have sworn she'd seen it on her desk earlier..._

_"I think I saw you put it in the middle drawer of your desk," Karen replied, not looking away from her computer. _

"_The employee who happened to find them in your desk knew right away what they were by the serial numbers printed on them, and knew right away to report this." _Linette had said.

She didn't know _why _or _how_...but she knew _who_...

Not only was her job on the line- but she was risking prison as well. And for something she had no part in. She'd been set up.

And there was only one person who could even _possibly_ help her out of this mess.


	11. Reassurance

**Chapter 11: Reassurance**

When Amanda walked past Karen's desk on her way out of the office, she felt the woman's eyes on her- could _feel _her smirk- without even seeing them. She didn't need to.

She didn't know what she'd done to deserve this. What had she done to make Karen angry enough to frame her and try to put her in _prison_? She couldn't imagine a person hating someone that much.

Ignoring Karen, she got her bag from where it lay propped up against her desk. Then she went straight to the lift and to the third floor.

Amanda felt her stomach drop several inches when she saw that Sarek was gone for the day. She didn't have a way to contact him either...and if Karen somehow managed to tamper with the security feeds she wouldn't see him any time soon.

Tears stung her eyes. What would she do now? She took a deep, shaky breath to calm herself. Now was not a time to cry. It would not help in any way.

He was her only hope. He had connections- he had influence. And he was the only person she trusted to help her. She _had _to contact him.

She reentered the lift and took it down to the lobby. When she pushed open the glass doors of the entrance, she found that it was raining.

She wasn't surprised- she didn't seem to have much luck that day.

The thick silver sheet fell from the sky, drenching her immediately. It was cold- one of the things she'd never liked about San Francisco were the cold winter rains. She was shivering uncontrollably, her hair plastered around her face, when the shuttle arrived.

Sitting down near the heater in the back, she pushed her hair out of her eyes and stared out the window at the embassy as the shuttle pulled away. She'd never liked that place...the best thing about working there was meeting Sarek. She'd never liked anyone else there- and they hadn't liked her. But she never would have believed...

Thinking about the preposterous situation wasn't going to change it any. The fact was, she stood accused of stealing confidential Federation information. She didn't know _how _they would ever prove it; but she was somehow sure Karen had already taken care of that. The fact that she was innocent didn't matter- they had been right when they said the evidence was mounting against her.

Without help, she was screwed.

Amanda didn't how to contact Sarek via holophone- but she _did_ know where he lived.

She felt uncomfortable with inviting herself over but had little choice. She was desperate. She needed to see him- even if he couldn't help her.

After switching shuttles at the station it took her an hour to get to the mansion. But finally, she stood before the old-fashioned cast-iron gates. There was an intercom box mounted next to it and while standing in the chilly rain she pressed the button.

"Hello?" she called into it, hugging her arms around herself, teeth chattering. "Anyone there?"

"Who is this?" asked a female voice. Amanda recognized it as T'Shan's.

"Th-this is Amanda Grayson," she replied as a strong shiver ran down her spine. There was a short silence on the other end.

"And what is your business here?" she now asked, her voice flat.

"I came to see Ambassador Sarek," she said.

"The ambassador is not here. He is at a conference," T'Shan replied.

"I know that- but it's urgent!" Amanda said frustratedly. "I'm sure he wouldn't mind if I waited in there for him."

T'Shan said nothing further. Nearly a minute passed and Amanda started to think she would have to wait outside in the rain. Just as she turned back to the shuttle stop, there was a hum from behind her and the gates swung open to admit her. She sighed in relief as she rushed through and then down the gravel driveway towards the door, which opened before she got there. She ducked inside, grateful for the warmth that immediately enveloped her.

"Thank you so much," she said to the Vulcan woman who stood on the other side. She led Amanda into the living room without a word.

"Sit there." She gestured toward a chair that sat before the lit fireplace. Amanda did so as T'Shan left again. She leaned toward the fire and let the heat wash over her, driving away the chill that had settled into her bones. Hardly anyone had fireplaces anymore, decorative or otherwise. They were considered archaic, but at the moment she was beyond grateful for it.

The room was quiet except for the gentle crackling of the yellow and orange flames and the occasional pop and shower of sparks as the artificial wood shifted. It would have been peaceful if not for the nervousness and worry clawing at her from the inside.

It felt like she waited for hours- but she knew it couldn't have been longer than thirty minutes. Finally, she heard the front door open and got up to go to the open doorway leading into the entrance hall.

"Sarek," she said as he came into view.

"Amanda?" he asked, eyebrows shooting up as he saw her. He was soaked from the downpour and even now, when she was afraid for her future, she stopped to admire the fact that his Vulcan tunic was sticking to his skin, outlining his well-toned torso. His hair was sopping wet and disheveled, water dripping from his pointed ears. The view was both amusing and arousing. "Why are you here?" he asked.

"Something is going on at the embassy. I...I'm being set up for something I didn't do," she replied. He stood there for a few seconds, merely looking at her. Then he came closer until he was only a few feet away.

"I will change my clothing and then you will clarify," he said. "Wait for me in the living room."

He left her, heading for the stairs. Amanda returned to her chair by the fire to wait.

Just seeing him had been like a balm to her. The queasy feeling she'd been experiencing was now gone. She was still not entirely calm, of course- but she was more at ease than she had been. As she stared into the flickering light she felt her muscles relax.

She was startled when a slight weight settled around her shoulders. Looking around, she saw that Sarek had returned and placed a thin blanket around her. She pulled it closer against her body as he sat in the chair opposite hers.

"Thank you," she said. Her clothes still clung to her and her hair was a wet, tangled mess. Yet she wasn't really very cold- the heat settings were up higher in this room than was normal for humans and there was the fire as well.

"Please elaborate on the situation, Amanda," Sarek said, leaning back and placing his arms on the armrests of his chair. "What do you mean by saying you have been 'set up'?"

Amanda took a deep breath and began to tell him everything that had been said in the director's office. He listened quietly, not saying a word; his head slightly tilted to one side as she spoke, his black eyes focused on the fire. When she finished and silence fell he still didn't say anything.

"You do believe me, don't you? That I didn't do this?" she asked. The thought hadn't occurred to her before...but what if he _did _believe the evidence over her? It would only be logical...

"I have no reason to not believe you, Amanda," Sarek finally said, turning his head to look at her. "From what I have learned about you, you are honest. I know you would not lie to me- because I would never lie to you."

"That's because Vulcans _can't_ lie." She gave him a weak smile.

"I would not say we _cannot_- but we _do not_," he replied. There was a pause before he spoke again. "Who would do this to you?"

"I have my suspicions but I don't understand _why_." Amanda shook her head. "Karen has never liked me, but this- this is beyond that."

"You believe Miss Bennett has orchestrated this?" Sarek asked. She looked over at him...she wasn't sure, but she thought she saw a flicker of displeasure in his eyes.

"She's the only person besides me to ever get into my desk. Sometimes she uses one of my styluses or borrows a data slate...she probably told Linette she was looking for something in there to explain how she found them. She switched those slates with the spares I keep there, and when I couldn't find my replicator card this afternoon it was she who told me where it was. She must have put it there to get my prints on the slates." Amanda looked thoughtfully at the fire again.

"And where were you when she was able to accomplish this?" Sarek asked.

"I was..." Amanda trailed off and then gasped, eyes widening slightly. "Oh no..."

"Amanda?" Sarek leaned forward, looking at her closely.

"I was down in Filing. I had to pick up the filing reports for Linette. Sarek- they're going to look at the security vids tonight, and they're going to see that I was there today. They're going to say that's when I took them!"

"There are no security feeds in the filing room itself to prove them wrong?" he asked.

"Not that I know of...of course, no one knows where all the cameras are except the security staff."

"And what of the employee who works in the filing room?" he asked, his eyes still on her. She met his gaze.

"He wasn't there. He left the report for me on his desk. I was alone in there. Damn it...how am I ever going to get out of this?" She stood and began to pace agitatedly, pulling the blanket tight around her shoulders. He stood also.

"You are innocent, Amanda. There will be evidence somewhere indicating the truth. Miss Bennett will have made a mistake- she is human, after all."

She smiled a little but his words did nothing to alleviate her worries. She was shaking again, but this time it was not because of a chill. The evidence against her was, even if circumstantial, possibly still enough to land her in jail.

"Amanda..." His voice was gentle- softer than she'd ever heard it before. It was almost startling, especially when he reached out and caught her by the arms to stop her pacing. He was not touching her bare skin but the fact that he was touching her at _all_, in any way, was unusual.

His hands were warm- she could feel the heat seeping through the blanket, the weight of them comforting. She calmed down at once.

"Amanda," he said again- still using that strange tone. "I will do everything within my abilities to ensure you are not apprehended for something you did not do."

Somehow, she felt reassured. Of course Sarek wouldn't allow her to be blamed for this. She'd known he would help her, but she'd thought she would have to ask him first. She hadn't expected him to offer so easily- and there was no doubt how much he meant it.

She noted that he still had not withdrawn his hands from her arms- instead he squeezed them gently. Looking up at him, she realized something.

Amanda had known she was falling for him- oh so slowly, bit by bit- but this shoved her forward a considerable amount. He was willing to help her...he was the one person she could trust. He was the first person she'd thought of when this began. And he was the one person she turned to- not just for his assistance in extricating her from this mess but also for comfort.

She was full of strange, warm emotions; her heart was swollen with them. She'd never felt this way about anyone. She hadn't even thought such feelings were possible.

He was looking into her eyes. She couldn't resist it. His words and her emotions propelled her forward- and she stood on her tiptoes to press her lips against his.

The kiss only lasted for about five seconds...and then she pulled away. Realizing what she'd just done, her eyes widened.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that," she said, and felt embarrassment welling up within her. He was still staring at her and she thought he looked rather bewildered.

"No...you should not have," he agreed. Then he leaned forward...and brushed his own lips against hers. Hesitantly, as if unsure of how to do this. So she showed him.

She applied pressure, slowly moving her lips against his. He mimicked her actions perfectly. Vulcans were fast learners, after all. She leaned a little further into the kiss, the caresses becoming more insistent...she found that he was easily keeping up...and then suddenly _he_ was the one controlling it. She exhaled softly against him, barely aware that he was pulling her closer to him, his arms now around her. Both of them were caught up- forgetting who they were, what they were doing, forgetting that he was Vulcan and shouldn't be doing this at all...

He broke away from her. She looked up at him- he was watching her.

"I was under the impression this 'kissing' humans place so much emphasis on would be unpleasant," Sarek said evenly. She tilted her head.

"And what do you think _now_?" she asked with a teasing smile.

"It is...quite the opposite," he replied. She smiled, her lips still tingling pleasantly. She wanted to kiss him again but didn't. She decided it would be best to take this in small amounts...even now he was already withdrawing, stepping away and lowering his arms from her. She immediately missed his warmth.

"As I said before our...distraction." He cleared his throat slightly and she looked away, trying not to grin. "I will assist you."

"How?" She'd managed to almost forget about the embassy.

"You need not concern yourself with the 'how', Amanda," Sarek replied. "I will take care of this."

That strange, warm feeling flooded her again. It took every ounce of her control not to jump him.

"Thank you," she whispered. He continued to look at her for a moment, and then he turned and headed for the door.

"I must contact Vulcan. You may remain here. If you wish we can have dinner, and you may stay the night if you do not wish to return to your apartment."

"That sounds fine," she said. He was gone now, and she sank down onto her chair. She felt...relieved. He would take care of this. She had the utmost confidence in him.

* * *

He was furious.

How dare Karen do this to _his_ Amanda?

Of course, she was not really his- not _yet_. But that did not change the fact that Karen was attempting to exact revenge on his potential bond mate because _he_ rejected her disgusting attempts at seduction.

He had not told Amanda- perhaps he should have. The fact that he had inadvertently brought this upon her by shirking Karen's advances brought forth feelings of guilt within him. Not _because _he had refused her- but because he had been careless in doing so. Amanda had warned him not long ago that he should take caution with his words. She'd told him humans took offense when certain things were said too bluntly.

If he had been more polite about it, perhaps Karen would simply have accepted his lack of desire for her and would not have been driven to revenge. He did not know _how_ she'd known Amanda was his weakness- but she did. He did not understand why she would go to such desperate measures, either.

He would not allow Amanda to be taken- not when he knew she was innocent. There had to be a way to prove it, and only _he_ could do it. He must find a way.

And as for Karen...he would deal with her later.


	12. Gratitude and Guilt

**Chapter 12: Gratitude and Guilt**

Sarek placed his call to Vulcan and obtained the information he required. By the time he had done that and finished up several reports that were due it was time for the evening meal.

During his absence T'Shan had shown Amanda to her room and given her a Vulcan gown to wear while her clothes were drying. He found it both odd and pleasing to see her wear such different attire; she usually wore button-down blouses and pants or knee-length skirts to work. The full-length pale-blue gown that somehow managed to be modest even while clinging to her every curve made her look...mesmerizing.

A Vulcan should not be mesmerized. But how could he not be when her hair fell down around her shoulders, framing her lovely face, and the gown accentuated her physical features?

Dinner was pleasant; Amanda was an excellent conversationalist and always seemed able to find something to discuss. It was one of the traits he admired greatly about her- he himself was not very adept at "small talk". It was soothing to eat while listening to her voice.

It was amazing that she was able to pretend she was not in jeopardy. There were small signs that she had not completely forgotten it, however. Since becoming acquainted with her he'd learned to pay attention to the small details of human facial expressions and body language. He still did not understand many of them, but he was learning.

Such as now; even while talking animatedly about a class of hers, her hands were clenched on the table, knuckles white. They were usually relaxed, her long fingers curving gracefully. She sat up straighter in her chair than was normal, her back stiff. These appeared to be signs of distress.

He watched her mouth as she spoke...her lips had a pleasing shape to them. And they were so soft...much softer than he had ever imagined. Not that he _had_ imagined...

Sarek found that he wished to experiment with this "kissing" more. The physiological response to this form of stimuli was fascinating. When they kissed earlier it had triggered a series of chemical reactions within him- most significantly the release of endorphins. He wished to see if different intensities of such contact produced different levels of endorphins.

For scientific purposes only, of course.

Before he could experiment further, however, he must eradicate their current problem. He had already overcome the first obstacle- but he could not continue until the next day when the embassy opened. He looked forward to telling Amanda he had fulfilled his promise to her; he had no doubt he would succeed. It would be over by the following evening, he was sure of it.

What disturbed him the most was that Karen could not have acted alone. She must have had an accomplice- or perhaps multiple accomplices. The idea that so many people would conspire against someone like Amanda astonished him. Humans were the most duplicitous creatures he had ever seen.

Except for his Amanda, of course.

"Sarek?" she said, breaking into his reverie. He looked up at her.

"Yes, Amanda?" he asked.

"You seem...distracted," Amanda said. Her brows were furrowed slightly, the corners of her lips downturned. This expression could mean many things; anger, disappointment, confusion. This time he was sure it was "concern".

"My thought patterns are more erratic than is normal. I must meditate longer tonight," he replied.

"Is that because of...you know..." Her voice lowered. "The kiss?"

"I do not believe so," Sarek assured her. It was a possibility, but he dismissed it. "It is nothing for you to be concerned about, Amanda. I am only planning for tomorrow."

She did not reply to that. Looking down at her empty plate, she bit her lips. He had no idea what this action meant.

Dinner was soon over and their dishes cleared away, and then they simply sat looking at each other.

"Have you ever played three-dimensional chess, Amanda?" he asked.

"A few times. I'm not very good at it," she admitted.

"I could teach you," he offered. She smiled.

"Sure," she said. And so they moved back into the living room, where Sarek set up the board. They started their game and he began to teach her. They did not speak of anything but chess for the next thirty minutes.

"Sarek..." she said, and he knew she was going to talk about something other than chess as she leaned back in her chair. "If I don't get through this..."

"You will. It is only logical that you do," Sarek replied automatically. She leaned forward to look at him.

"But if I don't somehow, then...I want to thank you. For everything."

Her eyes and voice were gentle as she looked up at him. He wondered if now was an appropriate time to conduct his experiment.

"Humans place much importance on conveying their gratitude. There is no need to," Sarek replied. "I know you are grateful."

She smiled and shook her head at him. He interpreted this as amusement rather than disapproval.

"To think this _could_ be the last time we sit and talk like this..." she murmured.

"It is not." His tone was sharper than either of them expected, and she blinked in surprise. "There will be many more of these conversations in the future. You are being irrational by suggesting otherwise."

She was silent, still looking up at him. He regretted being harsh, although she did not appear to be offended by it. Her hand rested on the table between them and he was seized by a strange compulsion to lay his hand over hers. He resisted it but his hand twitched.

"Forgive me," he said quietly as he sat back. "I must meditate. And you should retire to your room for the night."

She nodded mutely and they stood at the same time. He led her wordlessly up the staircase and down the corridor to her room. They stood outside of it for several silent seconds.

"It is likely that I will be gone when you awake in the morning," Sarek said. "You may roam the house as freely as you please."

"Thank you," she whispered, but he sensed she was thanking him for more than that. He said nothing and was pleasantly surprised when she once more stood on her tiptoes to kiss him. He returned it as tenderly as she did, and then she pulled away. Much too soon. It had not been a sufficient amount of time to test the chemical reactions...

She was smiling again. "Good night, Sarek," she said, opening the door to her room.

"Good night," Sarek replied, and then she was gone. He turned away and began to walk down the corridor with his hands clasped behind his back.

He could become accustomed to this kissing- as long as he kept his mental shields up at all times. He did not wish to transmit his feelings into her unknowingly. Kissing was not a Vulcan thing to do...but he was, after all, courting a human.

It was strange how something so unsanitary and primitive could evoke such...feelings. Perhaps kissing and the subsequent chemical reactions were a bonding process? Nothing like a telepathic bond, of course, but perhaps a biological one. If that were the case, kissing was not illogical at all- even though it was still a not-quite-unwelcome invasion of one's private space. It was a way to assess one another's compatibility. He must research osculation in his spare time. It was interesting.

He had more important things to worry about, however. He must meditate and tomorrow...he would make sure he had an opportunity to continue kissing her.

* * *

Karen stood with her arms folded over her chest, staring out the window. She hadn't wanted to come in to the embassy this ridiculously early, especially on a _Saturday_...but after Frank Nolan reviewed the security vids the night before, her presence was required so the police could take her statement when they came. So here she was.

She had to admit at least to herself that when she first began to plan her revenge, she had not meant for it to go this far. Her intention had been to get Little Miss Perfect in trouble with administration- she'd wanted her fired. She hadn't stopped to think that Amanda would get thrown in prison to boot.

Even she, with her dubious morals, was a little uncomfortable with that. But it was too late now...they had dove in too far. If she copped to it now _she_ would be in prison. And she would be taking others with her. It would be better for her to just suck it up.

"Ren?"

Frank Nolan's nervous voice came from behind her. She turned around to glare at him. "Ren" was his nickname for her and she didn't mind it- but only as long as they were in bed.

"What is it, Frank?" she asked.

"Are you sure about this? I mean, I know it's too late..."

"Exactly, Frank- it's too late. This is deeper than we thought- but there's nothing we can do about it. So just go with it, okay? Did you fix all the vids?"

"Yeah, they're done." He sighed. "I'm no computer genius, though. If someone knows what they're doing..."

"Don't worry about that, it's not an issue," Karen said, waving her hand at him. "Just don't act suspiciously and we'll be fine."

She turned back to the window, arms still crossed.

"Linette and the director will be here soon," Frank said, moving towards the door. She didn't reply as he left.

She continued to stare out at the courtyard as it gradually lightened with early-morning sunshine. The rain of the day before was a distant memory already.

Was she actually feeling _guilty_? What was wrong with her? Sure, she hadn't been _trying_ to get Amanda Grayson thrown in jail...but she didn't like the girl and never had. She was too..._pristine_. And now _she _was in trouble as well. She couldn't afford to feel bad about the situation. It was a dog-eat-dog world and it was either her, or Amanda. It was no contest.

Karen watched as a hover car pulled up and parked in front of the embassy. Her heart stopped when she saw who climbed out...he was tall, wearing black clothing, and had pointed ears.

Considering that no one was supposed to be here today other than those involved in the Grayson debacle, she was suddenly very nervous. She hadn't taken into consideration the fact that the ambassador would get involved. It made sense- he was Amanda's boyfriend, after all- but she hadn't thought about it.

And if a _Vulcan_ got involved...surely he could figure it out?

Karen could feel her world crashing down around her shoulders. Suddenly she couldn't breathe- her mouth felt dry. She backed away from the window as if afraid he might see her there as he made his way down the cement walkway towards the entrance.

But they had covered all their tracks, hadn't they? Frank had helped her take care of all evidence of her involvement...and the guy from Filing was scared shitless of Frank, who was practically bulging with muscle. He wasn't even about to speak up.

So then why was she so afraid as she saw the Vulcan disappear into the building?


	13. Evidence

**A/N: I just want to take some time to thank all of my readers and reviewers. You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear from you- or just for you to read this. When I first started this story, I honestly believed that it wouldn't get many readers- since most people ship Spock/Uhura. So thank you all so much for proving me wrong! **

**Chapter 13: Evidence**

When Sarek entered the lobby of the Embassy, the only person there was the head of security- who appeared decidedly nervous as the Vulcan's boots echoed around the room.

"Ambassador Sarek?" Frank Nolan asked, his voice an octave higher than normal. Sarek did not reply- at that moment, the lift to his right opened. He turned around- Karen herself was exiting the lift, and he noticed that her hands were trembling as she patted at her hair. She froze when she saw him. There was a tense silence.

"This will prove to be interesting." Sarek said, moving his arms to clasp his hands behind his back. Both of their hearts were beating too fast. He was sure that he had just met one of her accomplices.

The head of security...yes, a logical decision on Karen's part. He _would_ know how to cover up evidence. Fortunately, Sarek was more intelligent than either one of them.

"I still don't see how-" a male voice came from the entrance, and all three people in the lobby turned to watch as the director and Linette entered.

"Ambassador Sarek!" Linette blinked rapidly, obviously surprised to see him there. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"Perhaps we should take this to the head of security's office." Sarek replied. They seemed confused, but the director led them all to the lift.

The journey in the lift was silent. It did not escape his notice when Karen and Frank traded desperate looks. They were worried. Excellent- they should be.

The lift stopped, and Frank led them to his office. Once the door closed behind them, the director turned to Sarek.

"Would you please explain yourself, Ambassador?" he asked.

"Certainly." Sarek again clasped his hands behind his back. The others sat down, but he did not. "I have received intelligence that three red data slates containing compressed files were recently stolen from Filing. Red slates, as you are aware, each hold one day's records- for all ambassadorial agreements, discussions, and diplomatic decisions made in this Embassy. Which means that there is sensitive information on those slates that pertain to Vulcan's private doings. My government has implored me to review the evidence of the crime and ascertain that such delicate information has not fallen into the wrong hands."

"So you're inserting yourself into this investigation without my approval?" the director asked, fists clenching, eyes narrowing.

"Yes, that is precisely what I am doing. This is allowed by Federation law, Director- and you do not have authority over me in any way."

The director was grinding his teeth together. It was true, and he knew it- the director's job was to cater to the ambassadors. He ensured that their diplomatic relations went smoothly, and that the ambassadors were content- as well as running other operations within the building. Sarek was, to put it simply, one of his employers.

"Very well- it doesn't matter, anyway. We got her solid, from what Frank told me last night about the security vids."

"Please elaborate on what evidence you have, Mr. Nolan." Sarek said, turning to the man. Frank cleared his throat and leaned against his desk, folding his arms over his chest.

"Miss Bennett here was looking for a stylus when she noticed the data slates in Miss Grayson's desk drawer. The slates from Filing have serial numbers printed on them to make it easier to find them, and when she saw the number, she knew that they were confidential files. She reported it to Linette Davis, who reported it to the director. He called me, and I scanned for prints- the only prints on the slates belonged to Miss Grayson."

Sarek noted that he would not meet his eyes. He was looking at the floor as he spoke.

"It would seem that after such considerable evidence." Sarek said slowly, weighing each word. "That Miss Grayson would have confessed. What did she say on the matter?"

"She claimed that someone planted them there, and she touched them while looking for a replicator card." Linette snorted. "As if anyone would want to frame her."

"I do find it difficult to believe that a creature with a sense of morality would do such a thing." Sarek said, allowing his gaze to wander over to Karen. "But of course, someone with no morals _would_ do something as drastic as this."

Karen's cheeks turned pink, but her eyes were lowered, like Frank's were. Sarek returned his attention to the others.

"And when she claimed she may have been set up, you did not consider the fact that she may be telling the truth?" he asked- sharper than he had intended.

"Well, it does seem preposterous." Linette scoffed.

"Preposterous, yes. Impossible- no." Sarek replied coolly. "Perhaps you were too quick to form conclusions. I find that humans 'assume' quite a lot. If Miss Grayson vehemently denies her part in stealing these data slates, one must at least leave room for doubt of her guilt."

"But there _is_ evidence!" Frank cried, raising his eyes to glare at Sarek. "The fingerprints-"

"May have been put there in the exact way that Miss Grayson described." Sarek finished. "One must look at all possibilities in this situation, Mr. Nolan. If someone were 'framing' her, they would do their best to make it look legitimate, would they not?"

There was an uncomfortable silence.

"Well...then what about the video evidence?" the director asked.

"Yes, about that...Mr. Nolan, please play the 'evidence' that you claim you have to prove her guilt." Sarek said, turning to the man. Frank turned to his desk and sifted through a pile of blue data slates. He pulled one out and turned to his computer console. He inserted the chip, and an image of a corridor flickered onto the screen.

"We don't have a direct feed into the filing room, but this is right outside it." Frank said. "We've never had a security issue there before, so we never bothered installing one."

"A mistake that I am sure you will rectify after this incident." Sarek said, his eyes on the screen. Everyone turned to watch it.

A man came out of the filing room and headed to the lift- the clerk who worked there. Sarek had seen him before. He had been gone for almost a minute when someone stepped out of the lift- Amanda. He watched as she walked down the corridor, looking down at a PADD in her hand. She absentmindedly turned into the entrance to the filing room. The corridor was empty for nearly thirty seconds- and then she emerged, now carrying a green data slate that presumably held the filing report. As she reentered the lift, Frank stopped the vid.

"See?" he said, gesturing at the screen. "She was there, just a few hours before those slates were discovered in her desk."

"And you believe thirty seconds was enough time to steal three slates out of a vault?" Sarek asked, raising his eyebrows. Frank shifted uncomfortably.

"Anything's possible...maybe someone gave her the code into the vault."

"Yet you did not see her carrying those slates." Sarek pointed out. "Only the green one."

"She could have put them in her pocket!" Linette interrupted angrily.

"Everything I have seen is circumstantial evidence, at best." Sarek replied. "Your 'evidence' is based solely on conjecture. Even in a human court, this would not result in a conviction. On Vulcan, it would be as preposterous as you say a framing is.

"Perhaps, instead of trying to prove her guilty, you should concentrate on narrowing down the possibility that she is innocent- and that she has been set up. I suggest that we look over more security feeds for our answer."

"This is ridiculous!" Karen snapped, speaking for the first time in minutes. "Linette- Director- he's only here defending her, because he's _sleeping_ with Amanda." There was a silence, during which everyone looked at Sarek in surprise.

"I assure you, I am not sleeping with her." Sarek said. He could only deduce that she was referring to something of a sexual nature.

"Well, there's _something _going on. I saw them on a date together." Karen said.

"I do not deny that there is a personal relationship between Miss Grayson and myself. I also will not deny that I am here partly on her behalf. Yet, the Vulcan High Council has asked me to investigate on _their _behalf as well." Sarek replied calmly. "Do not attempt to divert this situation, Miss Bennett."

He looked at her again, his eyes boring into hers. She pressed her lips together and looked away. She was panicking, he knew. He was getting closer to proving it. Her heart was pounding.

"Mr. Nolan." Sarek turned back to Frank. "There is an inventory every week in the filing room, is there not? It is standard procedure in all embassies."

Frank blinked. "Uh...yeah, there is."

"And since the data slates were not reported stolen before, it logically concludes that they were, indeed, stolen this week. We must review all of this week's security feeds for this corridor."

Frank moved back to his desk, once more sifting through the data slates. Sarek watched- Frank's fingers were slipping over the slates clumsily. His hands were shaking as he extricated one of them.

"This is Monday's and Tuesday's." Frank said. Sarek saw him throw a look at Karen, whose jaw clenched as she looked away. Interesting. He must pay very close attention to this vid.

Frank fast-forwarded through most of Monday. The filing room had seen very few visitors that day.

On Tuesday, however...

Sarek's eyes missed nothing. He was studying the screen closely, looking for anything out of the ordinary. On Tuesday at 1431 hours, he found it.

"Pause it." Sarek said- his tone could almost be described as a 'snap'. He suddenly turned to Frank. "Where is the original vid, Mr. Nolan?" he asked coldly.

"Original vid?" Frank asked nervously He swallowed, hard.

"I was quite clear in my enunciation. Yes- the _original _vid."

"What are you suggesting?" the director asked, frowning.

"I am not _suggesting_, Director." Sarek turned to him. "I am _telling_ you, that this has been tampered with."

"How would you know that?" Linette asked disbelievingly. Karen was sinking further down in her chair- her heart performing a violent tattoo against her ribs. Frank was beginning to sweat now.

"Look closely." Sarek pressed the resume button on the player. "There is a time-keeping device next to the lift. I find it somewhat evidentiary that it stays on 1410 hours for twenty-one minutes, before abruptly changing to 1431 hours. From then on, time resumes as normal. Even before that, I saw a slight flickering of the image that indicated it had been cut and overwritten. It was a very crude attempt."

Linette gasped as she leaned forward. "It's on a loop!" she said.

"I wonder what happened during those twenty-one minutes that someone would wish to hide...Mr. Nolan." Sarek said, straightening from where he had been leaning over to look at the screen. His gaze was cold as it rested on Frank. "Please hand over the original security vid."

Frank was breathing hard, eyes shifting from Sarek, to a pale and shaking Karen, to the director and Linette, who both stared at him. Finally, he moved toward his desk. He opened a drawer, and took out a blue data slate. Without looking at anyone, he inserted it into the computer.

He fast-forwarded to 1410 on Tuesday. Sarek, Linette and the director all leaned toward the screen. Karen had hidden her face in her trembling hands, and Frank was looking guiltily at the floor.

They watched as Karen got off the lift, walking down the corridor. She disappeared into the filing room. Sarek fast-forwarded twenty minutes- she was coming out of the filing room again. And, quite clearly, she held three red data slates in one hand. Sarek paused the image and turned to look at Karen.

The others were stunned. Linette and the director gaped at the screen, and then turned to gape at Karen.

"I believe the filing room clerk can be counted as one of your accomplices, Miss Bennett." Sarek said.

"You knew all along it was me." she mumbled, and pulled her hands away from her face to glare at him. "Why didn't you just come right out and fucking say it? Why put me through all this?"

"I preferred to see the evidence for myself first. You are the creator of this situation. You attempted to put Amanda in prison for something she did not do. That behavior is reprehensible. It is disgusting, even to a Vulcan. Your sexual advances toward me were deeply unwanted, and you sought revenge in a spiteful manner against an innocent woman who had never harmed you in any way. This is inexcusable."

"I didn't mean for it to go this far." Karen muttered. "I just wanted her to be fired."

"Much more would have happened, Miss Bennett." Sarek said icily. "You eventually learned this, and still did not admit your crimes. It does not matter if it was unintentional- you are guilty."

Sarek now looked at Frank, who watched Karen helplessly. Then he turned to the director.

"It appears that you have three employees that require punishment, Director. I am displeased with the way this Embassy is operated- such a circumstance as this should not have occurred. Perhaps you should observe your employees a little more closely than you do. I will include everything that has happened this morning in my next report to Vulcan- expect complaints from the High Council. This indicates how easy it could have been for someone to steal files for purposes other than framing."

The director was still staring in disgust from Karen to his head of security.

"That's fine, Ambassador. This occurrence raises doubts for me, too." the director replied.

"I assume that Miss Grayson's name has been cleared?" Sarek asked.

"Yes...yes...Linette, call the police for these two." the director gestured toward the two people before him.

"May I make a suggestion, Director?" Sarek asked.

"Sure." he replied, looking distracted.

"I do not believe that Mr. Nolan and Miss Bennett should be turned over to the authorities. What they have done is unethical, but I do not think, since there is no harm done, that they should be arrested. Discharged from the Embassy permanently, yes- but prison is unnecessary. Vulcan will not press charges for the endangerment of their privacy, considering the situation."

The director and Linette both stared at him, but then the man nodded.

"Fine. Thank you, Ambassador."

"If we are done here, I should excuse myself." Sarek turned toward the door. He wanted to go home- to find Amanda and tell her that she was safe. Perhaps she would kiss him.

He glanced one last time behind him- at a defeated Karen, who was only a danger to herself- and at a repentant Frank Nolan.

He really did not think he would ever understand humans and their illogical actions. The pair could only have injured themselves and their dignity.

But he no longer had to worry about them. Now, he had secured Amanda's freedom. That was all that mattered to him.

* * *

He entered the hall, the door sliding closed behind him.

"Sarek?" Amanda came out of the living room- eyes wide, fearful. She stood in the doorway, looking at him. "Well?" she asked hesitantly. He looked at her for a moment before replying.

"You are cleared of all suspicion." he said. She continued to stare at him, seemingly dazed. Suddenly, her knees buckled, and he rushed forward to catch her. "Amanda?" he asked.

"I'm just...so relieved." she gasped, and buried her face against his chest, her arms wrapping around him. "Thank you- I can't say it enough."

"Did we not have this discussion yesterday?" he asked. "There is no need to thank me." Oddly enough...he did not mind having her so close to him.

"I don't care, I'm going to thank you anyway." she said, and pulled away enough to kiss him- hard. This was quite unlike the other two kisses they had shared. He found that it was even more stimulating. He easily returned it- her lips were cool and deliciously soft against his. It was nearly a minute before she pulled away. Much sooner than he would have preferred.

"Fascinating." he murmured, and she smiled up at him.

**A/N: I really don't think that this is my best chapter, LOL. It didn't turn out as well as I had hoped. The next chapter will probably have lots of fluff, though. :D**


	14. The Ozh'esta

**A/N: Just a somewhat flufftastic chapter for you :)**

**Thanks to Maven, who gave me the idea for this chapter! Also, thanks to LadyFangs- who always gives me such awesome input.  
**

**And someone wanted to know how far I'm going to take this story...my answer is, ALL the way! Don't worry, this story is not ending any time soon. It's going to be really long. I just hope you all don't get tired of it and abandon it, LOL.**

**If you haven't read Rashida's review from the last chapter, go do that now! It had me ROFLMAO!**

**Anyway, I dedicate this chapter to all of my wonderful readers- I love you all!  
**

**Chapter 14: The Ozh'esta**

As per her morning ritual, Amanda stopped in the lobby to get her coffee before going up to the office. As she waited for it, she reminisced about the weekend.

Sarek had taken her out to dinner Saturday night, as he had told her he would do the day before. They had gone to a nice Italian place, and of course had a great time- even though they simply sat there talking. She enjoyed talking to him- he was extremely intelligent, and possessed dry wit, even if he would not admit it. He made her laugh- and people in the restaurant would turn to look at her each time, as if wondering how she could possibly be enjoying the company of an austere Vulcan. She ignored them- she was learning what he was _really_ like, and it was nothing like he appeared. Sarek was anything but cold.

Afterward, he had dropped her off at her apartment- with a good night kiss, of course. She found that she was keeping count of them- that was number four. She was already looking forward to number five. Despite his previous inexperience, he was proving to be a superb kisser.

It made her wonder how good he would be at...

She stopped that thought before she could even finish it. They had barely started kissing- it was much too soon to think about anything more than that.

Her coffee was ready, and she picked up the cup, heading toward the lift. From the corner of her eye, she saw someone move to join her. She smiled as she entered the lift.

"Good morning, Amanda." Sarek said as the lift doors closed.

"Good morning." she replied. "You're here earlier than usual."

"I have a meeting with the director this morning, as it happens." Sarek replied. "The Vulcan High Council is...displeased. They wish me to advise the director on possible changes that need to be made."

"He's not going to take too kindly to that." Amanda pointed out. "Humans tend to not like being told what they should do- even if it's only a suggestion. He's going to think you're interfering."

"Thank you for your warning, but I am sure he will be more receptive to my interference than you think."

Amanda's eyebrows rose, but she didn't reply to that as the lift doors opened. He followed her silently down the hallway. When she neared the office that contained her desk, they both paused. Through the glass window that allowed them to see inside, they could see Karen; a white container on her desk as she packed away her items.

"Do you think I should talk to her about any of it?" Amanda asked, turning to look at him. "Maybe I can find out why she tried to get me into trouble."

"That is your decision, Amanda." Sarek said. He glanced over her shoulder at Karen. "I must go. Will you join me for lunch today?"

"It's not Friday." she said. He tilted his head.

"I know what day it is." he replied. She bit her lip, as if thinking about whether or not she should join him- but of course, she already knew her answer.

"I _might_ be there." she said, looking up at him slyly.

"You are flirting with me." he observed.

"I don't know what would _ever _make you think _that_." Amanda said, raising an eyebrow and smirking.

"Now I believe you are being sarcastic."

"Sarcastic _and _flirtatious. What a great combination." she said, eyes shining with humor as she looked up at him. "See you at noon, Sarek."

He nodded once, and left her before the office door. She looked back into the office; Karen was now bending over, clearing out old data slates and PADDs from her desk drawers. Amanda opened the old-fashioned swing door and went to her desk, setting her coffee down.

"Do you need any help?" she asked. Karen paused and straightened to look at her, incredulous. Amanda only shrugged and sat down at her desk. "Guess not." she muttered, and brought up that day's task list on her computer screen. The office was silent except for the banging of desk drawers and rustling as Karen moved around.

Fifteen minutes passed, and Amanda was stacking up a pile of static readouts when Karen threw the last thing from her desk into her container, and picked it up to head for the door.

"You know- despite all you've done, I forgive you." Amanda said without even looking up from her desk. Karen stopped short and turned slowly around.

"_Why_?" she asked, surprised. "I almost got you imprisoned!"

"From what Sarek told me, I wouldn't have been anyway, considering the weak evidence." Amanda said, looking up at her former co-worker. "And I don't hold grudges."

Karen stared at her, and then slowly shook her head. "That just comes to show how different we are. If I were you, I would hate my guts."

"Maybe I should. But I don't." Amanda replied simply. "In the end, you only hurt yourself. I could even go so far as to say that I feel sorry for you, because there's obviously something inside you that's broken. You're not happy with yourself."

Karen continued to stare at her for a moment, and then turned back to the door. "Maybe you're right, maybe not. You're one hell of a woman, Amanda Grayson. I underestimated you."

Then she was gone.

* * *

It was mid-January. It had been a whole month since Karen had been fired. And life for Amanda couldn't possibly be any better than it was right now.

She looked over at the man- the _Vulcan_- seated beside her in the hover-car. He had just taken her on yet another wonderful date. They had eaten at an Indian restaurant this time- it had become a theme for their dates. They went out to a different cultural restaurant every weekend, unless Sarek had meetings he had to attend- then they postponed until the next week. She always hated the delays, even though she was now seeing plenty of him- they had lunch together three times a week.

After the Indian restaurant, they had gone to- of all places- a comedy club. She couldn't believe that he had actually taken her there. _She'd_ had a great time- but how could _he_ have possibly enjoyed it? Listening to an hour of jokes and comedy routines was hardly a Vulcan pastime.

She had asked him about this as they left- and his answer had made her unable to stop grinning in pleasure for several minutes.

"I may not find the comedy itself to be humorous- but I do take pleasure in hearing your laugh, and seeing your eyes brighten as you smile. As you did not notice, I must tell you now that I could not look away from you the entire evening."

Needless to say, she had turned into a pile of mush at that. It was almost embarrassing, the effect he had on her. Sometimes even the simplest, most logical statements of his made her feel warm inside and out- both emotionally and physically. Coming from a human, what he had said could be called 'corny' or 'sappy'. But coming from him, it was genuine, and she cherished it whenever he said something like that, because it didn't happen often.

She wasn't quite sure what their relationship was...what could she call him? The term 'boyfriend' just didn't fit him, yet 'friend' was definitely an understatement. 'Companion' sounded accurate, but was still not quite enough...he was not yet her lover, so she could not use that term, either...it was a puzzle, and she gave up thinking about it.

The hover-car cruised to a stop before her apartment. Both of them got out- this was a custom of theirs, also. Usually, he walked her to her door to kiss her good night, and once she was inside, he left. Tonight, however...

"Do you want to come inside for awhile?" she asked as they stopped before her door. He tilted his head.

"Amanda, I have learned from my research that this is a form of invitation that leads to seduction. If that is your intention, I must decline."

Amanda laughed and shook her head. "I'm not trying to seduce you, Sarek. It's just...well, I don't want tonight to end this soon. I just want to sit and talk for awhile. Please?"

"If the elongation of our weekly interaction is your only intent, then I accept the invitation." Sarek replied. Amanda turned to swipe her keycard, and she led him inside.

"Do you want anything to drink?" she asked as the lights flickered on and she took off her jacket.

"No." Sarek replied. She hung her jacket up in the closet, and then sat down on the couch. As expected, he sat beside her- so close that their knees were almost touching.

One thing she had noticed- other than an occasional kiss, which _she_ always started, Sarek avoided physical contact of any kind. She understood this, of course. She knew Vulcans were touch-telepaths, but she still wanted more than a good night kiss every now and then- it had been a month now. She was willing to wait for him, to adhere to his comfort level, but there had to be a way to accommodate them both...

"Sarek...how do Vulcans express affection?" Amanda asked, folding one leg under her and sitting sideways so that she faced him. She propped her elbow up on the back of the sofa and rested her head on her hand.

"Bond mates and family use what is called the _ozh'esta_." Sarek replied. "That is when they press two fingers together and transmit emotions through an empathic link."

"An empathic link?" she echoed.

"A transference of emotion through skin to skin contact." Sarek explained.

"Ohh..." she nodded. "So _that's_ what it's called...that strange, electric feeling I got when you brushed against my hand that one time."

"Yes, that was a weak empathic link." Sarek said.

"Why is it that when we kiss, I don't feel your emotions then?"

"I intentionally block them from you." Sarek replied.

"Well, can you _un_block it? I don't mind it."

Sarek looked at her for a moment, and then extended the first two fingers of his right hand. She mirrored his action, and their fingers met. She gasped as, like once before, it was akin to being shocked with static electricity. What he was feeling was now flowing into her- it was a mixture of emotions, and she had names for only some of them: affection, concern, desire, _possessiveness_...

It was not like before. The first time, she had only felt warmth...now there were so many stronger emotions coming from him. Her eyes met his, and she smiled. Across the link, she felt..._happiness_. When she smiled, he was _happy_? She wondered what she would feel from him if she kissed him now.

She leaned forward, and with their fingers still pressed together, she did kiss him- gently, at first. Then she scooted closer to him, and deepened the kiss. From the link, she felt something new join the other emotions, but she had no name for it. It wasn't quite arousal...but it was enough to make her suddenly _very_ warm all over.

She pulled away, and began to kiss a line from his jaw, down to his chin, and finally back to his lips. Sarek pulled away and looked her, and she felt his confusion.

"I was under the impression that kisses were meant solely for the lips." he said. She shook her head.

"Not true. You can kiss_ anywhere_." she said. He looked at her, his eyes going from hers, and then down to her lips.

"If I may...?" he murmured. She smiled.

"Sarek, you don't need to ask permission to kiss me."

He leaned forward, and pressed a soft kiss against her forehead...then her eyelids, her cheeks, her jaw...she inhaled sharply as he began to kiss her neck.

"Did I do something wrong?" he asked, pulling away. Amanda realized that they had broken the _ozh'esta_, but she had other things on her mind at the moment.

"No...you're doing it perfectly. It's just that the skin on my neck is sensitive...and there are erogenous zones there."

His eyebrows rose. "Erogenous zones." he repeated. Before she could reply, he had dipped his head again, and was resuming his ministrations on the delicate flesh just in between her jaw and neck. She sighed, and rose her hands to place them on the sides of his head as he continued. His lips were hot as they placed soft, lingering kisses on her skin- teeth scraping deliciously every once in a while. She bit her lips and closed her eyes.

He pulled away, switched to the other side of her neck, giving it the same attention as he had the other. By the time he finally kissed his way back to her lips, she was breathing rather harder than usual.

"Is this satisfactory?" he asked. She nodded her head mutely. It was amazing that he had this effect on her, just by kissing her neck...

Amanda moved closer to him, her arms going around his shoulders, and they sat just like that for a long time. She planted soft, light kisses on his lips- drawing away slightly in between each kiss, only to change the tilt of her head to meet him again. It was tender, not rushed or even really sexual.

The kisses eventually tapered off, and Amanda simply sat there with her arms around him. He did not pull away. They did not speak, nor did they establish another link. They were content.

**A/N: The next few chapters will mostly be about what they're learning about each other, and developing their relationship a little more. So be prepared for some more fluff. :) I will have drama again eventually, though, so don't get too comfy.  
**


	15. The Drawback

**A/N: All info such as Sarek's age and former occupation are taken from Star Trek Wiki. And just to remind you...there's no Sybok in my universe. Why, you may ask? Because I hated Star Trek V. And I just don't want him in my story.**

**Chapter 15: The Drawback**

"You're _how_ old?" Amanda asked him incredulously. Sarek tilted his head and raised his eyebrows at her tone.

"I am sure that your hearing is unimpaired." he replied.

"There's no way. You're joking, right?" she asked.

"Vulcans do not 'joke'. Nor do they lie, as you are aware, Amanda." Sarek said.

They were in her apartment again- it had been two weeks since they first used the _ozh'esta_, and since then it had become yet another of their 'date customs', as Amanda called them, for him to come inside. Amanda had taken the liberty of sitting sideways on the sofa, her back resting against his chest- something which, until recently, he would have been uncomfortable with. Now, however...he found that he enjoyed her slight weight against him, the top of her head tucked just underneath his chin. She had placed his arms around her middle, and told him that this was called 'cuddling'. He found cuddling to be very pleasing.

"There's no way that you are sixty-four years old. I don't believe that for a second." Amanda was now shaking her head.

"How old do you suppose I am?" he asked.

"I would say thirty five. _Maybe_ forty." she said. "But sixty four? No way."

He found himself to be amused by her reluctance to believe him.

"I assure you, I am sixty four years, four months-"

"There's no need to tell me your _exact _age." she cut him off. Then she sighed. "I just...I never realized that you're so _old_."

"I am only _old_ by human standards. By _Vulcan_ standards, I am quite young. Our life spans are much longer than that of humans, and we age much slower physically." he said. "In fact, I am the youngest planetary ambassador."

"I admit, it's a little disturbing."

"How so? This does not affect our current relationship in any way." He truly did not understand. He had not realized that this may be a problem for her. Suppose she decided that he was _too_ old for her?

"It's just that you're old enough to be my...oh, never mind. I guess I'll just have to get used to it."

He felt relieved. If she said she had to 'get used to it', then that must mean that it did not deter her. He decided to reward her with a kiss on her forehead. Her eyes slipped closed and she smiled as he did so.

"And what did you do before you were an ambassador?" she asked.

"I was an astrophysicist." he replied. "My change in occupation is partly the reason why I had to dissolve the bond between myself and my former wife, T'Nik."

"Why, though?"

"She wished to take a posting on a science station in a remote corner of the galaxy. I had my own duties as a new ambassador. We would not have seen one another for many years. It was logical to separate."

"And you were bonded to her as a child, right?"

"That is customary for Vulcans, yes."

"Did you..." she trailed off, and she shifted in his arms a little- which he took to mean that she was uncomfortable about asking her question. "Did you...miss her?"

He thought he understood what she may be worried about.

"I had been bonded to her for many years, Amanda. I admit it was...strange, at first, to no longer have her presence in my mind. But T'Nik and I were bound only by duty and obligation. It was our families' wish for us to be married, and so we were. There was no emotional attachment other than a deep respect for one another."

Her posture, which had been slightly rigid, relaxed against him. He had been correct about his assumption, and handled it appropriately.

They did not speak for several minutes. He was the first to break the silence.

"A Terran diplomat is hosting a formal dinner at his home tomorrow evening. I was invited today...if you are available, I wish to take you."

"You know I will go." she replied. She snuggled even closer to his body. As he had had to do often lately, he concentrated on repressing a physical reaction. She had that effect on him much more than he would ever like to admit.

"I will arrive here at 1830 hours." he replied.

"Sounds good." she said. Her words were slurred, and he realized that she was tired.

"I will take my leave now, Amanda." he said, gently extricating himself from her. She moved to allow it, and looked up at him with a sleepy smile. She held out two of her fingers, and he pressed his against hers.

Normally, the _ozh'esta _was only used between bonded mates and family...but for her, he made allowances. This was the only way she could know how he felt, and from what he had learned from her, emotions were very important to humans.

When the empathic link was opened, he sent her his current state of emotional being. At the same time, he received hers...he felt her affection, contentment, and something that could only be described as 'tenderness'. As he leaned forward to kiss her, his lips brushing against her cool skin, he felt _arousal_.

She deepened the kiss, her lips moving over his as she sighed, her breath puffing against him. Then she did something she had never done before- her tongue darted out to touch his bottom lip. It was cool, and wet...and he found he did not mind it at all. He met her tongue with his own- tentatively at first, and then more confident. He gathered her closer against him as their tongues slid against each other, exploring, tasting.

He found that it was suddenly much more difficult to suppress his own arousal, especially as he could now not only feel hers across the link, but also _smell_ the ambrosial aroma coming from her. She was making small sounds now...he decided that it would be best to end this before things went too far.

He pulled away, and she blinked, as if realizing where she was.

"I'm sorry. That was a little fast, wasn't it?" she asked. "I just..."

"It was..."

"Let me guess...fascinating?" she smiled.

"Yes, it was. However, I suggest that we do not indulge in that particular form of osculation often."

She bit her swollen bottom lip, to keep from laughing at something he had said- he had no idea what- and nodded. "I agree."

He continued to look at her, and then stood. "Good night, Amanda." he said quietly, and bent to give her one last, chaste kiss before leaving.

* * *

He arrived at her apartment at the appointed time. As he walked up the steps that led to her door, he looked around- he did not feel comfortable with her living in this area. He would have been much more content if she lived with him, where he could protect her. That, of course, was out of the question...at least at this time. If he continued to please her, then she would agree to marry him. Then he could take her away from all this.

He pressed the buzzer, and she answered almost right away. He took in the sight before him...she was even lovelier than usual, in a full-length dark-blue gown with only very thin straps to hold it up. He noticed, with interest, that it revealed the tops of her breasts, and a hint at the cleft between them. His only disappointment with her appearance was her hair, which was swept up. He preferred it down, around her shoulders...but it was remedied by the view of her graceful neck and the amount of pale, luminous skin that it revealed.

"You should be ashamed of yourself. You're thirty seconds late." she teased.

"I erred in my estimation of when I should leave my home to navigate my way through the badly-managed streets of this city." Sarek replied. Her lips curved in a smile, her eyes sparkling.

"So in layman's terms...bad traffic?" she said.

"I am not familiar with the phrase of 'layman's terms', but we should be leaving." Sarek replied. Amanda stepped outside, and locked the door behind her. By the time she got to the hover-car, he had already opened the door for her. Once she was inside and her dress was out of the way, he shut it and went to the driver's side.

The inside of the hover-car was silent as they made their way to their destination. When they pulled up in front of the opulent mansion, Amanda looked out the window.

"Who are they?" she asked, pointing at a crowd of people standing along the walkway that led to the mansion's front doors.

"They are representatives of the media. It is not uncommon for them to come to these events to attempt to interview important dignitaries."

Amanda continued to stare at them until he opened the door for her. Then she turned her attention to him, smiling- although he noticed that it was strained.

They headed toward the walkway, and were immediately surrounded by reporters asking Sarek questions. No one seemed to notice Amanda, for which he was grateful. He was used to being swarmed and asked ridiculous questions- she was not.

He discretely took her hand, and before he put up the block, he felt her surprise at the touch. He led her into the building, and as soon as the doors closed the buzz of reporters died away.

"_That _was uncomfortable." Amanda remarked. "I don't think I like reporters."

Sarek released her hand and they entered the open doorway to the right. They found themselves in a spacious room with a high ceiling accented by rich, dark wood. A table was set up along one wall, which held portable stasis units of alcoholic beverages and appetizers. Other ambassadors- many of which were non-Terran- milled about, conversing.

A man came toward them.

"Ambassador Sarek. Welcome to my home." he said.

"Ambassador Landon." Sarek greeted. Landon stopped before them- he was a tall man, with light brown hair, a good build. Human women may find him handsome. Sarek hoped that Amanda did not.

"And who is this beautiful young woman?" Landon asked, eying Amanda with interest.

"This is Amanda Grayson. She is a secretary at the Embassy, and an aspiring teacher." Sarek desperately wanted to add that she was his, and that Landon should keep his lustful eyes off of her...but he restrained himself.

"Miss Grayson, I rarely see a woman of such loveliness." Landon extended a hand for her to shake- the customary human gesture of greeting. Amanda accepted it, but before she could pull her hand away, he raised it to his mouth and kissed the top of her hand.

Sarek did not like that. At all.

He watched coolly as Amanda finally pulled her hand away. Her face remained neutral, but he was sure she had not liked it any more than he had. Or at least, he hoped not.

"Ambassador." Amanda said, her voice tighter than usual. Sarek was relieved. She was uncomfortable with Landon. Good.

"Dinner won't be served for another quarter of an hour." Landon said, finally tearing his eyes off of Sarek's Amanda to look at Sarek himself. "Feel free to roam around until then." He turned to leave, and then turned back around. "Oh- and sorry about the reporters. I don't know how they found out about this gathering."

Sarek decided that Landon himself was more of a bother than the reporters...but he heeded Amanda's previous advice and did not speak too bluntly.

"They were not entirely burdensome." Sarek replied. Landon turned and left. Sarek hoped they could escape him the rest of the evening. He had not considered the fact that he and Amanda may find each other to be attractive. Seeing him look at her like that had unleashed a strange possessiveness within him. It had always been lurking under the surface...but this was the first time that it was evident.

They were fortunate...Landon was far too busy entertaining other guests to come to them again that evening, although Sarek did catch him looking at Amanda more than once, his eyes sweeping over her chest, especially. Sarek knew that he would have to meditate longer once he returned home. It was very violent and un-Vulcanlike, but he was imagining striking Landon on the head.

He still managed to have a pleasant time with Amanda. He succeeded in making her laugh no less than six times, and she was smiling almost the whole time. He brought her drinks, and they sat across from one another at the long banquet table that seated all one hundred guests. She stayed at his side most of the evening- and when she wasn't talking to him, she was engaging in lively conversation with others. He was content to simply watch her and listen to her voice.

After three hours, however, others were beginning to leave. They almost made it out of the room before Landon found them again.

"Leaving already?" he asked with a sigh. "What a shame. It was such a wonderful opportunity to meet you, Miss Grayson."

Sarek did not understand it. Amanda was quite obviously there with _him_- so why did Landon persist? He struggled to contain his annoyance.

"I hope the Ambassador brings you along to any future events, as well." Landon said.

"I do, too." Amanda said. "I always have such a nice time with him."

Sarek was pleased by her answer. She was making it known that if she _did_ come along to another event, it was only because of _him_.

"Have a good night, Ambassador Landon." Sarek said coldly. He turned to Amanda, who was smiling at him as they left.

As soon as they left the building, the reporters were turning to them again.

The questions came from every direction. Sarek again took Amanda's hand before leading her through the crowd. Reporters were still trailing after them, asking questions- taking pictures.

How would this affect Amanda? he wondered. She was not used to such exposure. He squeezed her hand, and she squeezed back. They were now at the hover-car. He helped her in and went around to his side.

They left the reporters behind, still taking pictures as they drove away. They did not speak right away.

"I guess I'm going to have to get used to that, too." Amanda said quietly after several minutes.

"Amanda...if you are overly uncomfortable with it..." Sarek took a breath. "I will understand if you...end this. You should not have to endure such attention."

"I don't want to end it." she said. He looked over to see that she was watching him. "Publicity is the _only_ drawback to being with you. I may not like it, but I'm willing to make the sacrifice. After all, it's only going to be when we go to events like those."

Sarek was again relieved. He had not wanted her to end it...it was an illogical desire, but he wanted to remain with her. Part of his mind had already claimed her as his mate.

He extended his first two fingers, and she met them. They shared their emotions all the way back to her apartment- where Sarek kissed her tenderly good night.


	16. Exposure

**Chapter 16: Exposure**

Amanda groaned and rolled over in bed, pressing her pillow against her head in an attempt to drown out the sounds of the door being buzzed insistently. When it still did not stop, she sat up and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes before getting up.

"I'm coming, I'm coming." she grumbled as she staggered toward the door, still only half-awake. They hadn't gotten back until almost eleven, and it was only eight in the morning. Who was buzzing at her door this early? "Who is it?" she asked.

"Who do you _think_ it is?" came a familiar, annoyed voice. Amanda rolled her eyes before sliding back the bolts on her door and opening it.

"What are you doing here, Sarah?" she asked, stepping back to let her sister come inside.

"Sorry if I woke you- you must've had a _really_ late night." Sarah said icily. She stood with her hands on her hips, glowering at Amanda as she closed the door.

"What?" Amanda asked, confused. Her mind was finally starting to clear. She ran a hand through her tangled hair. "Sarah, can you _please_ explain why you woke me up at eight on a Sunday morning?"

"To explain _this_." Sarah was brandishing a PADD at her. "I figured you were dating someone, because every time we talk or see each other, you're a completely different person than you were before- always smiling and laughing. But I didn't think, even for a moment, that the person you're seeing would be a_ Vulcan ambassador_!"

"How did you- what is that?" Amanda asked, staring at the PADD.

"I have a subscription to this E-News. Imagine my surprise when I got to page three, and saw you!" Sarah shoved the PADD into Amanda's hands. She looked at the screen, and inhaled sharply.

There was a picture- of Sarek pulling her through the crowd of reporters by her hand. The photo was captioned: "The Vulcan's Mystery Woman".

Amanda began to read the article, her eyes rapidly moving over the text. It was mostly about which diplomats had been at the dinner, and elaborating that the event had been held to encourage donations for a children's hospital. Then she reached the bottom.

_**It was just another diplomatic social event- nothing unusual. Dignitaries rushed past reporters, refusing to answer any of their questions, pictures were taken, etc. Until there came the biggest buzz of the night...**_

_** The Vulcan Ambassador Sarek. He, too, refused to grant interviews- but several reporters did notice as he left that he had a woman with him. She is as yet unidentified- but she raises many questions.**_

_** "Vulcans rarely, if ever, seek mates outside of their race." one xenoanthropologist has told this reporter. "But the fact that he is holding her hand in the picture speaks loudly enough- Vulcans are extremely uncomfortable with physical contact. He would not have touched her like that unless he was comfortable with her. I think it's safe to assume that they're a couple."**_

_** Why does this matter, you may ask? As far as we know, there has not been a Vulcan/human pairing in recent history. Ambassador Sarek is a very influential diplomat- he has been involved in several key treaties and agreements. He is in a constant spotlight, always of interest to the public eye. The fact that this very-Vulcan man may be seeing an emotional human defies logic- which we all know is precious to Vulcans. **_

_** One thing is for sure- everyone is going to be interested in following the relationship of this rare inter-species couple. Will they live happily ever after- or will their differences drive them apart? **_

Amanda stared at the PADD for a long time. Sarah finally pulled it from her limp fingers.

"Well? Why didn't you tell me that you're banging a Vulcan?" she asked impatiently. Amanda winced.

"I'm not..._sleeping_...with him." she replied. She refused to use the word 'banging'.

"Excuse me- I meant _dating_." Sarah rolled her eyes.

"I don't know _why_ I didn't tell you...I just didn't. We don't really talk that often. And Sarek and I have only been seeing each other for about...six or seven weeks, I think?"

"You're dating a Vulcan, and you didn't bother to tell your only sibling?" Sarah feigned being hurt.

"We've only talked a few times since it started!" Amanda sighed and plopped down onto the sofa. "We're always too busy with classes- or I'm at work."

"Or dating a man with pointed ears." Sarah said.

"You say that like it's a bad thing." Amanda said reproachfully. "I actually think his ears are...sexy."

"It's just a little weird that you're dating a _Vulcan_...I mean, they're so cold, and emotionless! You can't possibly have a good time with him."

"As a matter of fact." Amanda said stiffly. "I _always _have a great time on our dates. And he's not cold _or_ emotionless."

"No need to be so defensive." Sarah said. "So, what's it like to have your picture in the news?"

"It's not a good thing." Amanda said, rubbing her temples. "Before, we were able to go to places and stay under the radar, but now..."

Amanda sighed. There would be no privacy for them now. She should have expected this- after all, Sarek _was_ an important diplomat, it was inevitable that the rest of the world catch on eventually- but part of her had been in denial. She had wanted to go on believing that their relationship could be simple- or at least as simple as it could be when it involved a Vulcan and a human.

"I wonder if Sarek's seen that article." Sarah said thoughtfully. "I mean- you two are pretty much official now. Once the media declares you a couple, there's no hiding it- _especially_ with that photo. You're a Vulcan's girlfriend." she laughed.

Amanda smiled weakly...and wished that Sarek hadn't invited her to that dinner. She loved spending time with him, but she wished that she could have had more time to prepare before they were exposed. They had never been a secret, of course- they had no need to be- but they had managed to avoid attracting unwanted attention, and liked it just that way.

She wasn't sure if she was ready for publicity. But for Sarek...she would just have to tough it out.

* * *

The only people at the Embassy who had previously known that Sarek and Amanda were seeing each other had been Linette and the director- not including Frank and Karen, who no longer worked there- and as far as Amanda knew, they hadn't told a soul.

But now...as soon as Amanda walked into the lobby on Monday morning, she sensed a difference. People were staring at her- fellow Embassy employees as well as ambassadors. She heard their whispers. She ignored them as she got her coffee.

She still had ten minutes left before she had to report to the office, so she immediately went to Sarek's. He was not always there that early- so she was relieved to see that his door was open.

"Sarek." she said as she entered the office. He was standing in front of his desk, taking PADDs out of his case- he must have only just arrived.

"I presume that you saw one of the articles that appeared in no less than five news sources." he said. She stood beside him and watched as he took out the last PADD.

"Yes, I did." she replied.

"Has it deterred you?" he asked. It took her a moment to realize what he was asking.

"No, it hasn't. I knew this would happen sooner or later." she said, and sighed as she leaned against his desk. "Everyone stared at me when I came in."

"And this bothers you?" he asked. He turned to look at her.

"I don't know." she said and shook her head slightly.

"I had thought that you would find it difficult to cope with my own publicity. I had not considered that they would be equally interested in you or in our relationship. If I had known, I would not have taken you to where there would be media affiliates, to maintain our privacy."

"I guess I never explained to you how much humans love gossip." Amanda said bitterly. "Trust me, humans find relationships or even just _rumors_ of relationships to be more interesting than politics."

"There may be more severe consequences than merely having our privacy compromised." he said a lower voice.

"You mean the High Council?" she asked. He nodded once.

"Among...others. They will not understand. I expect to be contacted soon and asked about the matter."

"I'm sorry." she said.

"Why? It is I who took your hand, not the opposite." he said.

"It's a human thing to apologize even when something isn't our fault." Amanda said. "It's our way of saying that we sympathize."

"You are always teaching me something new about Terrans." Sarek said. She gazed up at him, smiling. She wished they were somewhere more private so that she could kiss him.

"That was my intention when we first started having lunch in your office on Fridays. But I guess we've been a little sidetracked lately, haven't we?"

"We have had better things to discuss. Yet, I still learn by observing you. I was correct in my theory that I would learn more about Terrans by having closer contact with one."

"Well, now that your theory has been proven correct, I suppose your mission is accomplished and you no longer want to marry me. Therefore, there's no reason to date me."

His eyebrows shot up.

"I never said that. There is still plenty to learn." he replied, and she laughed.

"You Vulcans and your excuses." she said. "You always have a logical reason for _everything_- even if I know the real motivation."

He seemed puzzled as she smiled one last time and walked away- as if he had no idea what she was talking about. _She _knew differently.

* * *

That whole day was awkward. She felt like everyone was talking about her- but maybe she was only being paranoid. Yet, it seemed that every time she walked into a room or turned around, whispers were suddenly hushed and eyes averted. That couldn't be just paranoia.

When she had lunch with Sarek later, she could have sworn that more people passed by his office than usual- but maybe she was just on edge that day, and had never paid attention before?

Her fears that she was being talked about were confirmed at the end of the day. She was taking a document to the Andorian ambassador on the second floor when she neared an office whose door stood open. She heard her name before she reached it, and slowed. She usually was not one to eavesdrop, but as her name had been mentioned...

"...Amanda Grayson. Who would have thought that she was a gold-digger?"

She pressed against the wall, biting her tongue to keep her anger at that accusation in check.

"That's the only explanation I can think of for it." another man scoffed. "I mean, come on...of all the men in the building, she goes for the Vulcan, who's probably one of the wealthiest bachelors on Earth? Gotta be in it for the money. If not that, maybe she just wants her fifteen minutes of fame."

So _this_ was what they were all thinking? That she was with Sarek for money and publicity? She was disgusted. Did they really think she was _that _kind of a woman? Did they really think that was all Sarek had to offer?

She could have told them the truth- that Sarek was a far better being than they were. She could have told them they were wrong. But she walked away.

Why? Because she decided that she didn't care what they thought. Their opinions were moot. They could suppose whatever they wanted- she was _not _going to let them discomfit her. _She _knew the truth, and that was enough. She wasn't going to waste her time pointing out their ignorance.

And for the rest of the week, she resolved to not let the stares and whispers bother her.

* * *

It was Friday night yet again. This time, they went to a Bajoran restaurant.

"Did the Council ever contact you?" Amanda asked Sarek while they were waiting for their dinners to arrive.

"Not yet." Sarek replied. Amanda's hand was laying on the table, and he brushed his fingers against hers lightly. "I am sure they will soon, however. Perhaps they have not yet received the news."

"Or maybe they don't care?" she asked hopefully.

"I doubt that." he said. "I am their ambassador, Amanda. They take interest in all that I do here."

"And...what are you going to tell them?" she asked. He seemed to hesitate before replying.

"I do not know." he replied. She looked down at the table.

"And what if they tell you to end this?" she asked quietly- not sure if she wanted to know the answer.

"I do not know that, either." Sarek replied. Amanda was a little hurt...she had expected him to say that he would not care what they asked of him, that he would still remain with her. But it would be illogical for him to refuse their order. She was starting to realize just how much logic could hurt them- could hurt _her_. Sometimes, she almost forgot that he was Vulcan.

When dinner was over with, they headed toward the doors. Amanda was pensive- she had not spoken as much as usual throughout their meal. She was sure Sarek had noticed, as she had caught him looking at her more than once; his eyebrows furrowed slightly, as if he were concerned about her.

He was leading her to the hover-car when she happened to look up, and spot someone standing twenty feet away from them. The man was holding up a small, silver device- a camera. "Sarek." she muttered. He looked around at her, and she nodded her head toward the photographer.

"What is he doing?" he asked. They were at the car now, and he was opening the door for her.

"He's taking pictures." she said as she got in. When he had joined her, he asked:

"Why?"

"Because he's a paparazzo, that's why." Amanda sighed. "I'm sure you don't know what that means. He's the lowest of scum- his job is to follow famous people around and take pictures of them. He invades their privacy. Tomorrow, those pictures he just took are going to be all over the gossip columns, and he's going to have a huge pay-off from it."

"A strange occupation." he remarked.

"There will be more where he came from. It'll only get worse. We are never going to be able to go on another date without them somehow finding us." Amanda said- although she was privately thinking: _Unless the Vulcans tell him to end our relationship_.

She sighed and slumped down in her seat. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Sarek looking at her every so often. Neither of them said anything until they were standing before her door.

"I hope that the 'paparazzo' did not render your evening unsatisfactory." Sarek said. She shook her head as she slid her card.

"No." she said as she led him inside.

"You have been unusually quiet." Sarek persisted as they sat on the sofa. Amanda shrugged.

"I'm just..." How could she tell him that she was worried that he was going to break up with her? "Tired." she lied.

"Amanda, I know you are lying. I believe it is the first time you have done so." Sarek said. There was a silence before he spoke again. "Ever since you inquired about what I would say to the High Council, you have been quiet, and your features have been..." he seemed to be struggling to find the right word. "Not as animated. Have I said or done something to displease you?"

"I'm...sad. Because I know that if the Council tells you to, you'll end this. I don't want it to end."

"I do not yet know what I will say to them, because I do not know what _they_ will say. Until they contact me, I cannot formulate a response either way. Amanda...I do not want you to experience this 'sadness'. How can I remedy it?"

"Hold me." she whispered. Without hesitation, he moved closer, placing his arms around her and drawing her against his chest. "And kiss me." she added. He complied, warm lips pressing against hers.

"Is this conducive to a state of happiness?" he asked in between kisses. She smiled a little, and he kissed the upturned corners of her lips, which made her smile widen.

"I think it is." she said, tightening her arms around him. "Try a little more."

He was kissing away her previous fears- now not only on her lips, but on her cheeks, and her neck as well. Had she really been worried about what the Council may say? She was sure that he would not let them guide his actions. And who cared about the paparazzi? It would be worth it to have her picture taken by a sleazebag in order to have these moments with Sarek. He was worth it all.

It took her awhile to realize that he was transmitting reassurance into her from their skin contact. It was not as strong as when they used the _ozh'esta_, but it was strong enough. She moved her hands up to cup his face, and as she did so, her fingers touched the tips of his ears. From him, she felt a sudden jolt of that unnameable sensation...not quite arousal, but close. She smiled.

"Your ears are ticklish." she said.

"I am not 'ticklish'." he said with reproof.

"Sensitive, then." she amended. She stroked the tips, and then moved her fingers down, brushing against the skin lightly. He closed his eyes. "Deny it; I dare you."

"I do not." he said, and once more bent his head to kiss her.

"I'm going to keep that in mind, that your ears are erogenous zones." she teased. "And then I'm going to-"

He silenced her with yet another kiss, this time his tongue sliding against her lips, seeking permission- which, of course, she gave. If his intention was to distract her, he had done it very well. She moaned slightly against him, moving closer to his body. She felt like she was being set aflame.

He pulled away from her, leaving her bereft. She gazed up at him.

"Tease." she mumbled.

"Have I succeeded in alleviating your doubts?" he asked.

"Yes, you have." she said, and moved closer, to lay her head against him. As they always did at the end of their post-date make-out session, they sat in silence, simply enjoying one another's company.

Amanda nuzzled her cheek against his chest. She had known all along that she was falling for him- hard, and fast.

Now she was starting to think that she was already at her destination.

**A/N: The drama will start again during the next chapter :)**


	17. Logical Decisions

**A/N: Don't say I didn't warn you about the drama...**

**I want to give a HUGE thanks to LadyFangs, who pretty much collaborated with me on this. She's the greatest! She wrote certain passages of this chapter and injected a ton of emotionalism into it. Any parts that make you want to cry, blame it on her. :)**

**Chapter 17: Logical Decisions**

"_Osu_ Sarek, there is a transmission awaiting you." T'Shan said as she stood in the doorway of Sarek's exercise and meditation chamber. He opened his eyes. He was sitting cross-legged on a mat on the floor, wearing only black cloth pants.

He had been meditating much more than usual ever since he and Amanda began 'dating'.

"I presume it is from Vulcan."

"It is." she replied, not looking up at him. Sarek was sure that she knew what this call pertained to. She knew very well who he was with when he mysteriously disappeared on Friday or Saturday nights. She had said nothing to him, of course, but he knew she did not approve.

He gracefully rose from his position and turned to her. "Redirect to my bedchamber. I do not wish to be disturbed."

"Yes, _osu_." she said, and disappeared. He watched her go, and then retrieved his tunic.

It was the Sunday after the news articles appeared- he had expected to be contacted sooner. The news must have been slower than usual to reach Vulcan. Or perhaps the Vulcan that he knew awaited him had been formulating a proper speech of censure.

He left the chamber, and went down the hall to his bedroom. Then he sat on the divan next to the doors that led to the balcony, facing the communications console.

"Open transmission." he commanded the computer. The blank screen was soon filled with the image of an austere Vulcan woman, much older than Sarek.

"_Dif-tor heh smusma_, T'Pau." Sarek greeted his aunt.

"_Sochya eh dif_, Sarek." T'Pau replied. She wasted no time. "I have been asked by the High Council to speak to you on their behalf. I would have declined, if I did not have my own words to add to theirs."

Sarek did not reply- he, as well as every other member of the S'chn T'gai clan, knew never to speak to their matriarch when she was speaking, unless she asked him a direct question.

"News has reached Vulcan that I find to be disturbing. Has your logic failed you, nephew?"

"My logic is sound, T'Pau." Sarek replied.

"Then explain to me why there is a picture of you holding the hand of a human in an intimate way." she demanded.

"There was a crowd- we may have been separated if I did not take her hand." Sarek knew his reasoning was weak...but it was the only logical reason he had for it.

T'Pau eyed him, black eyes cold. He knew that she saw the fragility of his explanation.

"You have not addressed the speculation that you and this human are a couple." T'Pau finally said. He blinked- surprised that she had allowed his reply past her without question.

"I do not deny that we are courting according to human tradition." Sarek said.

"Why are you courting a human?" T'Pau asked sharply.

"As Vulcan's ambassador to Earth, it is only logical that I learn more about Terrans. This is best accomplished by closer contact with one."

"And you believe pre-mating rituals are the best way to accomplish that." T'Pau stated. He inclined his head to show his agreement. "Do you plan to bond with her?"

"That depends on many variables. Humans are...strange, when it comes to the selection of mates. Their courtship rituals may last months before a decision to marry is made- and then, only if they find their mate acceptable. I find the entire process difficult to adjust to, but if I am to bond with her, I must complete this series of trials to determine our compatibility. Often, this requires that I do things I would not normally do- but always with logical reasons."

"You find it logical to wait for her decision?" T'Pau asked coldly.

"She is a logical choice to be my mate, T'Pau. There is time enough to wait."

"What reason have you used to justify a human as a logical choice for you, Sarek? They are a weak, emotional species- unfamiliar with our ways and customs. They are fickle when it comes to marriage and mating- you know this. What if she does not decide soon enough? Your Time is nearing."

He inwardly flinched at her suggestion. He had not yet considered the effect that Pon Farr would have on Amanda, nor had he discussed the issue with her. It was not something Vulcans discussed outwardly, even among themselves. To have T'Pau be so direct in her questioning was...disconcerting at best. Damning at worst. Sarek felt his blood begin to turn hot. Outwardly, he maintained his calm.

"It is not so close that I need to concern myself with it at this time. I am fairly certain that Amanda will have decided by then."

"And you are certain that this Amanda has the necessary strength to endure it?"

In defense of Amanda, perhaps he spoke too quickly- his mouth responding before his brain had the opportunity to digest the implications of the question.

"I am."

T'Pau regarded him silently for a moment. Then she spoke again, her voice lowered in order to emphasize her meaning.

"You are treading dangerous ground, Sarek. There is talk here that you are becoming 'humanized' and may be giving the Terrans a less than exemplary impression of the Vulcan race. Some believe that you are tarnishing our image and are not worthy of being our ambassador- that you are too young and inexperienced, and too confused to know where to apply your logic. This human may be endangering your position as a diplomat, if she is tainting you with emotion. That is the message the Council wished me to convey to you."

If T'Pau had been expecting him to give credence to her words, the next ones he spoke would do the opposite.

"If their disapproval of my courtship of a human is their only basis for believing me unworthy, then I must ask you to give them this message." Sarek said coolly. "I find it illogical that beings who claim to uphold IDIC- the belief in Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations- and who boast of their tolerance of other cultures, would contradict themselves by finding my involvement with a member of another species to be worthy of disapprobation. By courting a human, does it not show Vulcan's continued alliance with Earth? Does it not show our willingness to associate ourselves with humans? To find a possible bonding between a Vulcan and a human to be despicable is not indicative of tolerance."

T'Pau looked at him, head slightly tilted. "You have a very logical point. But that is their concern- not mine. _My _concern is that you are risking your health by waiting for this human.

"By acting upon my duty as the matriarch of this clan, I have recently found a Vulcan mate for you. She will be available to meet your needs at the appropriate time. It is illogical to continue to court this human when there is another who you do not have to wait for, and who already waits for you. You may need knowledge of Terrans, but there are other ways to acquire it."

Sarek began to feel a dark emotion welling inside of him as the matriarch continued to speak.

"By ending your relations with this human, you would not only be appeasing the Council, but you would be making the right decision. There is no logical reason to turn down a marriage to T'Para. Her family is of high standing, and would make an excellent alliance with our clan- and she stays planet-side, unlike T'Nik, so she will always be within reach. To refuse this marriage would be proof of your inability to act logically. The human is not a logical choice compared to T'Para, Sarek. I am sure you realize this, and will agree to meet with her soon to place the mating bond."

Sarek felt a peculiar sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach as T'Pau spoke. He could not argue with her logic- it was impeccable. To continue his relationship with Amanda when a mate was available and already secured for him would be unnecessary- and therefore illogical.

He had never envied the human ability to act emotionally more than he did at that moment.

"Your logic is sound, T'Pau." he replied quietly.

"Then you will come soon to initiate the bond?" T'Pau asked. Sarek briefly closed his eyes, and took a breath.

"I will do so." Each word felt like a lirpa slicing through him. He had never known that such simple words could cause so much pain. But faced with T'Pau's logic, he had no choice. If he emotionally refused the match with T'Para for a human, he would be deemed illogical by all Vulcans- the Council would vote him out of his position, and T'Pau may even disinherit him. He was Vulcan. He was logical. Even when it came to Amanda, he must act logically.

"I believe that you are due to come to Vulcan and meet with the Council in one week. That would be an opportune time."

"It would." Sarek replied.

"Then you will end this relationship with the human?"

Sarek tried to form the words, but he could not. He merely nodded once. Even that caused fresh torment within him.

"I will be sure to inform the Council that your logic is unimpaired." T'Pau said. "And I will contact T'Para's family as well."

A part of him- the part that contained deep, unfathomable depths of Vulcan emotion- screamed at Sarek to change his mind. But he could not. T'Para was already secured by T'Pau. He wished that she had at least informed him that she was searching for his next mate- although it was her right to make matches, as matriarch of his family.

He thought he understood now why she had taken a week to contact him. She had wanted to make sure that he could not back out. If it were not for the existence of T'Para, he may have been able to continue with Amanda unhindered by even the Council. T'Pau had intentionally sought out a mate for him, so that he had no choice but to abandon Amanda- to preserve his Vulcan image, as well as his family honor. It was a perfectly logical plan. Within him, he felt...deep resentment for his aunt.

He was hardly aware as she disconnected. He sat on the divan, staring out the window at the rising sun- only one question resonating through his mind.

_How would he tell Amanda?_

* * *

It was later that morning. He exited the hover-car, staring at Amanda's apartment.

He could have told her any time during the next week. But he felt that this needed to be addressed immediately- and in private.

Each step he took toward the door made him feel heavier. Logic had never seemed more of a burden than it did that day. If he could have acted emotionally, what would he have done? Of course, he already knew the answer to that...he would have told T'Pau that he had no interest in T'Para whatsoever, and that even if his logical reasons to be with Amanda paled immensely in comparison to that match, he would stay with her.

Just two nights before, when he had kissed and held her on her sofa, he had been confident that he would not allow anyone to convince him to end their relationship. But he had not expected T'Pau's interference- no, that was not accurate. He had merely _hoped_- illogically, perhaps- that the Council would not have found out about Amanda until after he had secured her as his mate. Now, it was too late.

He pressed the buzzer, illogically hoping that she would not answer- that she was not home. Even if that would only delay this torturous task longer.

The door opened. She was surprised to see him.

"Sarek?" she asked, her surprise turning to delight as she stepped back to let him in. He observed that she was dressed more casually than he had ever seen her- in gray cloth pants and a silk top that clung distractingly to her form. He recognized such clothing as the sort of garments that Terrans wore to bed.

Once the door was closed, she reached up to place her hands on his face and kiss him. He caught her wrists and gently lowered them before she could do so. Her features suddenly became very still.

"The Council." she muttered, and turned away, busying herself with straightening the sofa cushions. "I assume they've contacted you."

"They appointed a member of my family to speak on their behalf, yes." Sarek replied, watching her. She was being unnecessarily rough with the cushions, picking one up and almost forcefully slamming it back down.

"And?" she finally turned back to him, hands resting on her hips. She seemed determined not to give away what she was feeling with facial cues.

"And..." he hesitated. He did not want to say the words- but he must. "The Council disapproves. That, however, is not the issue. T'Pau, the female leader of my family's clan, has taken it upon herself to find a more logical choice of mate for me. She believes that it is unnecessary for us to continue our courtship as long as another is already waiting for me."

Amanda's hands slid off her hips to rest at her sides. She stared at him, her face still betraying nothing. He stepped closer- but she took a step back.

"So you're ending this, after all." she said. Her voice had a different lilt to it now, and Sarek was trying his best to interpret her emotional state from it. Resignation? Perhaps something more? "I had a feeling, of course." she added as she turned away again- this time to rearrange the stack of PADDs on her coffee table. "I understand, Sarek. Being with me is hazardous to your career. Did you see the latest news article about us?"

"I did not." Sarek replied. He found that he was..._disappointed_... by her lack of emotional response. Surely, if she shared the same amount of regard for him that he held for her, she would have had a different reaction?

"Basically, it talked about how Vulcan would react to their ambassador dating a Terran. It wasn't a very positive article." her tone was flat, nonchalant. "If a Vulcan is more suitable for you, and will allow you to keep the approval you need, then I won't stop you."

He was beginning to think that she was not as unaffected as she was trying to seem. She refused to turn around and look at him.

"It is the most logical decision." Sarek said quietly. "The mate that has been chosen for me is advantageous to our family. I do not agree with T'Pau's decision to search for a mate without my knowledge, but that is her prerogative. I am obligated to fulfill my duty to her as my elder relative. Amanda, I am..." he stopped himself. "I apologize." he amended.

"For what? For being Vulcan? It's not your fault that I'm the less logical choice. It's not your fault that T'Pau interfered, either. It's also not your fault that you have to be logical." Her voice rose slightly on the last word, and Sarek felt his own emotional wall begin to form tiny cracks. He knew the full extent of his own grief, and was working hard to control it.

She was facing him again, but her arms were crossed over her chest, and her eyes were on the floor. Sarek felt despair as he looked at her. Because of T'Pau, he would not be able to have her. He had started to date her so that one day, she would agree to marry him. That had always been his goal: To take her as his wife- his bondmate.

"Amanda..." he stepped toward her again, and this time she did not move back. "If I could, I would..."

"Choose differently?" she finished softly. "I know. I said I understand. You can't turn down T'Pau's offer without ruining everything else. I don't want you to lose everything for me."

He saw that her eyes were glittering with unshed tears. He wanted to tell her what he was feeling- that he would gladly lose everything he had for her. But feelings did not matter in this situation.

"You know, we've only been dating for two months, but it feels like it's been a lot longer than that. Thanks for giving me a great time." she said sadly.

"You appear to be taking this much easier than I had thought you would."

"You and I both know more than anyone that appearances can be deceiving." she said, turning away from him once again. "Sarek...I think this would be easier on me if you left. Please."

The fact that she was telling him to leave hurt him almost as much as their current situation did. But he realized why she wanted it...the tears were gathering fast. She wished to release her current emotions by crying, and would not do so in front of him.

He moved away from her, and started to turn toward the door.

"Sarek?" she asked. He stopped and looked back at her. "Could you just...kiss me one last time?"

He hesitated by the door, wanting so desperately to fulfill her wishes. But he had come this far. And as much as it hurt him, he could not acquiesce to her desires anymore. He turned to face her, and their eyes met.

"Amanda...I cannot." he said, head lowered.

There was a long pause between them, and Sarek regretted each word he had spoken up until this point. Finally, Amanda's voice came, in a broken whisper.

"Goodbye, Sarek."

"Goodbye, Amanda."

He opened the door and left before he could decide otherwise.

As he walked back toward the hover-car, he felt like he had just left a part of himself behind.

A wind was blowing, and his sharp hearing could detect the sounds of choked sobs coming from an open window in Amanda's apartment- carried on the winds as they rushed by him.

**A/N: There won't be any fluff for a few chapters, as I'm sure you have guessed. :(**

**Even _I _was sad while writing this chapter. Sigh. Feel free to hate me. And LadyFangs, who added much more emotion to it than I did. :) **


	18. Tension

**A/N: I wasn't going to post this yet, since Fanfic is messing up and not sending out story alerts...but I decided to go ahead and put it up for those of you who look here. I just hope they send out the delayed alerts when the problem is fixed.**

***Edit*- Yay! Looks like it's been fixed. I just got a review alert from last night, LOL. Damn, now I'm about to get like, twenty...  
**

**Chapter 18: Tension**

The pain was acute- almost physical in its intensity. Amanda had never known anything like it.

It made no sense. They had only been together for two months- how could it affect her this way? She hadn't actually fallen in love with him, had she? She had always been one to believe that love came slowly, over time, with increased familiarity with another person. Two months was just not enough _time_ to fall in love.

Well, if it wasn't love, it was sure as hell close to it, judging by the way she felt now.

After her initial breakdown, she had not cried. She may have wanted to- but she did not. She had cried her tears, and would spare no more for him. It wasn't his fault, she knew that. He _wanted_ to be with her, but 'wanting' was not a logical reason. He could not turn down this marriage just because he 'wanted' to. That would not have been the Vulcan thing for him to do.

She remembered a fleeting thought she had had on Friday night...that she was beginning to realize how much logic could hurt her. She had never wished more than she did now that she had been wrong. _Logic _was now her least favorite word.

To make matters worse, she still had to work near him. She was not at all sure that she was ready to handle that. Not yet, anyway. To see him, to know that if it had not been for one betraying photograph, they could still be together...it was the most frustrating thing ever.

Did she resent him? Not quite. He had not set out to intentionally hurt her. But had he even fought for her? She doubted it. He would not fight logic, and she had no qualms about admitting the fact that a Vulcan woman would be better for him for that reason. He was out of his element with her...always unsure, always hesitant. With a Vulcan wife, it would be uncomplicated.

But this T'Pau, however...she had never met the woman, but she would never forgive her for shattering the first ray of happiness she'd had in a long time. She'd had her fair share of misery and heartbreak over the years...the deaths of both of her parents, a slew of ex-boyfriends who had all claimed to be 'different' yet ended up being the same anyway...Sarek had been the best part of her life. Now he was gone, too.

The shuttle-bus jolted to a stop in front of the Embassy. Amanda took a deep breath and let it out before standing and making her way to the front of the bus. It was Monday...she may have to see _him_ again. This would be a test of how strong she was, of how well she was able to contain her emotions.

When she stepped off the shuttle, the first thing she saw was a group of people on the sidewalk. She took no notice of them at first...until she saw that they all had cameras, and were pointing them at her. Why? Because they thought she was Sarek's girlfriend. How ironic.

Someone- and that someone probably worked at the Embassy- had let slip to a reporter who she was and where she worked. It had been in that article over the weekend. She had forgotten about it until now...

As she made her way down the walkway that led into the building, they followed her. She tried to block them out, but she couldn't.

"My name is Tina Kingston...I'm here for Cosmos magazine...can you tell me what it is about a Vulcan that attracts you?"

"There are rumors that it's only for money, is that true?"

"How long have you and the ambassador been seeing each other?"

"Is marriage on the horizon?"

The questions were personal enough...but after the day before, they only sliced her wounds open afresh. She had tenuous control over her emotions as it was, and this...

Amanda spun around to face them, eyes flashing.

"Do none of you have _lives_? Or do you actually _enjoy_ harassing people?" she snapped. They stopped taking pictures and asking intrusive questions long enough to gape at her. She turned back to the Embassy and left them on the threshold- grateful that they were not allowed in the building.

She took deep breaths to calm herself before walking across the lobby to get her morning coffee. She should not have lashed out- but it felt surprisingly good. It did not ease her pain, but it made her feel like she had control over at least _one_ aspect of her life. She did not have to deal with people drudging up memories of the day before if she did not want to.

She felt eyes on her, and she looked to her right. A group of employees- a few computer technicians and aides- immediately looked away, pretending that they had not just been staring at her. She pressed her lips together tightly, fighting back the urge to fling her hot coffee all over them. Today really was _not_ the day for them to stare and whisper. She was ready to go off at any moment- the barriers that kept her in check were extremely fragile.

Amanda threw them a glare as she walked past them to the lift. She knew that once it became common knowledge that she and Sarek were no longer together, the media would leave her alone, and the gossip would die away.

She just wished that would happen sooner.

* * *

Each day was torture. She woke up, showered, dressed for work...and spent the whole shift finding ways to avoid going to the third floor. The fact that he was in the same building as her was painful enough. She dreaded that every time she turned a corner, she may accidentally find herself face to face with him.

She knew she couldn't avoid him forever. But for now...it would be best for the both of them.

Amanda didn't spend all of her time in self-pity, however. She found things to do to distract her during that first week. She attended classes three days, and did her homework- and she caught up on some reading that she had been meaning to do for months. And when she got lonely, she called her sister, or one of her classmates.

On Friday, however- the day that had once been her favorite day of the week- she could not stop thinking about Sarek. Usually, she would be anticipating a date that night- wondering what she would wear, where they would go, how many times she could get Sarek to kiss her...but not tonight. Tonight, she would sit at home, alone.

"Grayson, what the hell are you doing in here?" Linette demanded. Amanda looked up, startled.

"What do you mean?" she asked. She was sitting at her desk with her lunch...what was wrong with that?

"You're usually in the ambassador's office for lunch." Linette said. Amanda winced inwardly.

"Not today." Apparently, Linette hadn't noticed that she had been eating in her office all week.

Linette was eying her suspiciously. "Why not?"

Amanda didn't know why she was asking. "Because...I'm just not." she looked down at the desk top.

"I see." Linette said. She continued to stare at Amanda. "You know, I dated a Betazoid once. You know why we didn't end up together?"

"Why?" Amanda decided it was best to just humor her.

"Because we let other people interfere. That's the stupidest thing anyone can do."

Linette then dropped a stack of PADDs on her desk.

"When you're done eating, take these to the Denobulan's office and make sure that you put them away in the right order. You know how he is." then she walked away. Amanda stared after her, puzzled. She had never thought that Linette, of all people, would advocate her and Sarek's relationship, but that appeared to be the case. Too bad her approval came too late.

She finished her lunch and gathered up the PADDs. Walking out into the corridor, her arms full, she saw that the lift doors were closing.

"Wait! Hold it!" she called out, hurrying forward. She _really_ did not want to have to wait with her arms full for the next lift. "Thanks." she said as she slid inside. She froze when she saw who was in there.

It was inevitable that they run into one another...after all, the Embassy was not overly large. But he had managed to catch her off-guard, in the one moment when she wasn't prepared to meet him.

"Ambassador." she acknowledged, clearing her throat as she turned to face the lift doors, her hands clenching the stack of PADDs so tightly that her knuckles were white.

"Miss Grayson." he replied quietly, also looking forward, hands clasped behind his back as the lift began to descend. She realized, with a pang, that she missed him saying her first name.

There was an awkward silence. The tension was so thick that Amanda thought she might suffocate from it in such a confined space. The seconds that it took the lift to arrive at the second floor seemed to last minutes. She let him exit first, and was disconcerted when he headed toward the very same office she was going to. She trailed behind warily, eying his straight, perfect posture as he disappeared inside.

"Ambassador Sarek." the Denobulan said with a wide smile as Sarek entered.

"I am here to check that you received my message, Ambassador." Sarek replied as Amanda went past them both to start replacing the PADDs on the Denobulan's shelves.

"I did, I did. Of course we can reschedule the meeting. I meant to write a reply, but I'm busy today. I heard that you're leaving for Vulcan!"

"I depart tomorrow morning." Sarek replied. Amanda almost dropped the PADD she was holding. She hadn't realized that he was getting married _that_ soon. She struggled to maintain her composure.

"How long will you be gone?" the Denobulan now asked.

"I am unsure at this time. I must meet with the Council to give a detailed report, and then I have...certain personal issues that require my attention. I estimate no longer than two weeks."

Amanda put away the last of the PADDs and turned toward the door, determined not to look at the Vulcan standing only six feet away. Two weeks from then, he would belong to a woman she did not know, and he would be truly lost to her forever.

As she walked by him, she felt his eyes burning into her.

* * *

Sarek was disturbed by Amanda's absence from his daily routine. He had become accustomed to seeing her at lunch, as well as when she walked by or brought something to him. Not seeing her at all had a peculiar effect upon him- he had difficulties meditating, and became annoyed by the simplest things. He thought about her far more often than he should have. He regretted the entire situation, and illogically wished that there was a way out of it.

In short, and to use a human phrase...he missed her.

Was it logical? No. Did that stop him? No.

He was finding that she was necessary for his contentment. Perhaps he _had_ been tainted by emotion. If he had, he had relished every moment of it.

With each passing day, he had grown more and more aware that he could not control the turmoil within him. Nothing could make the heaviness, the despair, go away. Not exercise, not meditation.

Yet none of this changed the fact that he must bond with T'Para. As much as he dreaded it, he must.

He watched through the hover-car window as his ancestral home loomed before him. It was a great stone mansion- built in ancient times, although it had been updated to suit its more technologically advanced occupants. It had belonged to him ever since his father's passing many years before. He was rarely there anymore. Once, he had entertained hopes of Amanda living there with him. Now he did not care if it crumbled into dust.

The hover-car came to a stop, and Sarek climbed out. He turned toward the entrance to the mansion, and was greeted by a servant at the door.

"Lady T'Pau arrived some time ago,_ osu _Sarek. She told me to direct you to the gathering room. There is a guest." the woman said. Sarek nodded once and headed in that direction- he already knew who the guest was, of course.

He entered the room, and the two women within stood. After traditional greetings, T'Pau extended one hand toward the woman beside her.

"This is T'Para, Sarek." she said. Sarek looked at the woman before him- and felt nothing. She was aesthetically pleasing, with black hair styled elaborately, and dark green eyes. But she was not Amanda. Her features were blank, almost lifeless- it was strange how, even living among Vulcans all his life, and being one himself, that he should find this so disturbing. He had become accustomed to Amanda's sparkling eyes and smile.

This was to be his wife? Somehow, he could not apply that term to the woman before him.

To him, his wife was Amanda- even if they had not been bonded. And she always would be.


	19. Revelations

**A/N: I bet I made you guys sweat a bit, waiting for this! LOL! Sorry for not updating yesterday- but I wanted this chapter to be done right. I had to completely rewrite it, because the first draft was heinous.**

**Much thanks to LadyFangs- if not for her, I would have posted the first chapter I wrote, and this one is definitely better! (Yes, I know- you don't like to be thanked in A/Ns. Get over it.)  
**

**Chapter 19: Revelations**

Sarek observed the young Vulcan woman before him. She was as he expected her to be- beautiful in the traditional ways of his race. Stoic, as is custom, and precise and exact in her mannerisms, as she had been trained to be. And he found, in his observance of her, that she was everything he did not want.

During his journey to Vulcan, he had had ample time to reflect upon the past two months with Amanda- and he realized that he had begun to enjoy the freedom that passions granted. The freedom to laugh, to express and to enjoy. Though he could not indulge in such passions himself, he found that he immensely enjoyed experiencing them through her.

And as he gazed upon the solemn visage of the beautiful Vulcan woman before him, he felt as if a heavy chain was being squeezed around his heart.

Sarek sat in silence across from T'Pau and T'Para. T'Pau was the only one speaking.

"In three days you will meet with T'Para's family, to have the formal discussions. Before I came to them to seek her as your mate, they were in tentative agreement that she would bond with a scientist. It was agreed that _this _match is more advantageous, although they did insist on speaking with you before the final arrangements are made. However, there is every reason to believe that this is only a formality. They have assured me that T'Para is yours."

A possession. An object. A servant.

After living among humans for five months- and having especially close contact with one of them- Sarek had learned to recognize even the tiniest of emotional responses. He found T'Para's sudden blinking and lowering of her eyes at the mention of the scientist to be...interesting.

It appeared that he was not the only one being forced into this match.

"Upon official agreement, the ceremony will be scheduled before you leave for Earth once more." T'Pau continued. "T'Para will await you here. She is a geneticist, and her work is here, in Shi'Kahr."

Sarek listened with little interest to his aunt's words. His resentment towards her was growing with every passing second. This woman, T'Para, had already been promised to another until T'Pau stepped in. Why could she not have simply left them alone? They had both had mates- even if Sarek's had not been definite enough for T'Pau's comfort. Anger began to rise within him, his blood setting to boil.

T'Pau was still speaking. T'Para was looking at the floor, her hands folded in her lap, back straight. As he surveyed the woman who was intended to become his wife, he felt a deep pang within him.

He could not allow this. This woman, this T'Para- she would never mean anything to him. He would be bound to her and she to him- and there would be nothing between them. No passion. No romance. No laughter. No fulfillment. They would perform their duties as husband and wife- but there would be no real connection. Not like what he had forged with Amanda.

He _wanted _to fight for her. But how? What could he say to change the situation? True, the betrothal to T'Para was not yet in place. But there was little time, and nothing that he could do to convince both T'Pau and the Council that Amanda was an acceptable bond mate. Not to mention that T'Para's family would be displeased if the S'chn T'gai clan suddenly changed their minds.

But as he looked across the room, toward T'Para- who was still not looking at him- he felt something other than despair or anger for the first time in a week.

Determination. He needed a plan- and soon, if he were to spare both T'Para and himself.

* * *

"Ambassador Sarek, you may enter the Council chamber." came a deep, resonating voice from within the room beyond the open doors. Sarek moved forward, steeling himself- he knew what was to come.

"Council." Sarek said, bowing his head respectfully as he took his place before them. His voice echoed around the spacious, empty hall. He looked up at the Councilmen seated above him.

"Ambassador, as T'Pau has undoubtedly informed you, we are deeply disturbed by your recent behavior on Earth. Surely you know that as our representative, your actions and decisions reflect directly upon us. Any misbehavior on your part damages the image we present to all outsiders." the leader of the Council said, his eyes lowered onto Sarek.

"My behavior on Earth has been nothing but exemplary." Sarek responded, a twinge of anger and indignation erupting within him at their suggestion. The Council leader leaned forward, his eyebrows risen.

"You believe that you have acted logically in all situations?"

"I do not _believe_ so, Councilman, I _know_ it to be so. I can only assume that you are speaking of the photographic evidence of a relationship with a Terran woman."

"The photograph speaks for itself, Ambassador. It is evident that you have not presented a wholly Vulcan image. Perhaps we were wrong to appoint one so young- you are too amenable to human ways."

"My logic in beginning a relationship with a human was not flawed, Councilman. Of that I can assure you. What you have seen in that picture was a mistake, I admit. It would not have happened again." Sarek replied slowly, struggling to keep the menace he felt from his tone.

"You claim that your relationship with this human was based on logic. I do not see how." the leader's eyes were boring into Sarek's.

"Council, the logic in my reasoning for participating in human courtship is not the subject of today's meeting. The effect the relationship may or may not have had on my skills as an ambassador, is. Have you found fault with the work I have accomplished?"

"It is possible that the emotional human has tainted your logic. If that is so, then we cannot risk an ambassador who may make an emotional decision that could poorly affect Vulcan. Your work has not yet suffered, yet we are concerned that it may in the future."

"My thought process is as logical as ever, gentlemen." Sarek replied coldly. "No amount of emotion could ever hinder my abilities as Vulcan's ambassador. No human can make me forget that I am Vulcan. To suggest so is insulting." His voice was flat, but the anger he felt was beginning to be obvious.

A silence rang throughout the room, almost deafening. The Council members were all eying him now.

"Yet, you have still engaged in this relationship. A relationship that is undoubtedly accompanied by emotional attachment." the leader now said, watching Sarek closely.

"Even if that is true, there is still logic in it. I would not have begun it if it were not based in logic. My post to Earth as ambassador is a long-term one. It made sense to become closer to a human, to better understand their ways- to facilitate my diplomatic relations. How is my logic at fault?"

"You have a logical point, I admit. Yet there was no other way to learn?" the leader now asked.

"There may have been." Sarek conceded. "But none would have been as effective as learning directly from a Terran."

The Councilman leaned back, observing him.

"I do see your reasoning. It was quite logical. Yet there is still the photograph."

"As I said." Sarek said, his voice low. "It was a mistake. I believed it logical to touch her hand in public, so that we were not separated. I did not consider the ramifications. I was not aware that it would reflect upon me in a poor way. If I had, I would not have done it."

There was a pause. The leader folded his hands together before him.

"Perhaps we misinterpreted the situation, Ambassador. Upon seeing the photograph, we assumed that you had lost your logic and were succumbing to human ways. It appears that we were mistaken."

At that moment, Sarek thought of a human phrase that Amanda had once told him about assuming...

"Then you are in no doubt that my mental faculties are intact?" Sarek questioned, pushing thoughts of Amanda out of his mind.

"You have given us logical reasons for your behavior." the leader replied simply. "I may still have doubts about your choice in mate, however...I have heard that is no longer an issue. I am relieved that the relationship between you and the human has been ended."

"As long as there were logical reasons for it, I fail to understand why you would still disapprove." Sarek said. His anger had gone away temporarily...now it was back; heating him, making his heart pound harder in his side. His hands flexed subtly as he looked at the Council.

"It is a well-known fact that humans are inferior to us." the Councilman replied. "I do not believe a human and a Vulcan would be compatible."

Considering that he had found Amanda to be _very_ compatible with him, Sarek's jaw clenched as fresh fury flooded him.

"You claim to be accepting of humans. This comment contradicts you. Humans may not be gifted with telepathic abilities or eidetic memories, but they are still intelligent- and more resilient than you give them credit for. I have learned many things about Terrans since I assumed my position of ambassador, much of which was taught to me by the human in question. I have a large amount of respect for Terrans. They have accomplished much despite their disadvantages. I believe that, if it had not been interrupted, the match would have been highly compatible."

The Council members stared at him for several long seconds. Sarek was fighting to contain his anger now.

"Council, I thank you for your time, and for allowing me to explain myself. I have nothing further to say, and I must ask to be excused." he added, his voice dripping with ice.

"You are dismissed." the Council leader replied. As he exited, he heard a flurry of whispers behind him. He ignored them.

* * *

He was still in deep frustration later that night. He attempted to meditate- but he could not. He exercised- it did not relieve his distress.

Now, he was standing before a window in the family meeting room. It was utterly dark outside, the desert sands just barely visible by the illumination of the stars. His arms were folded, and he was in deep contemplation. He heard movement behind him.

"T'Pau." he said, his voice flat, but cold. "I am sure the Council contacted you."

"They did. Your behavior towards them is unsettling to me." T'Pau's voice was equally icy. Sarek turned to her.

"That is not what unsettles you. T'Pau, I have no wish to follow through with this bonding."

"You agreed to it- and you are attempting to back out now?" T'Pau asked sharply.

"I only agreed to it because you gave me no choice." Sarek replied, his eyes steady on hers. "You interfered where you were unneeded. Even the Council has agreed that my decision to choose Amanda was logical- even if still worthy of personal, biased disapproval. I may have been able to salvage the situation, if you had not intervened in my personal affairs in a duplicitous manner."

"Duplicitous?" T'Pau's voice rose slightly. "I have only had the interests of the Vulcan ambassador to Earth and of our clan in mind! A human is not a logical match for a Vulcan as prestigious as you are!"

"I am able to decide that for myself, T'Pau." Sarek replied. His voice was low, but laced with fury. He knew he was not in total control of himself- he had been unable to properly meditate for several days now. It was difficult to temper his emotions.

He advanced toward her, until he towered over the small woman.

"You are my elder, and a being of high logic. Yet I find that I must disagree with your actions. There was no need for you to interject yourself into my relationship with Amanda. I had a chosen mate- and Amanda would not have rejected me. The courtship was only a formality."

"You are not seeing clearly, Sarek!" T'Pau snapped. Catching herself, she paused to collect her bearings. "You do not understand why I have done this."

"You are wrong." Sarek said in a hard voice. "I am well aware of why you have done this. You do not wish our clan to be_ tainted _with human blood."

"That is true. The S'chn T'gai clan has always been one of the purest, the most devoted worshipers of Surak. The thought of a human joining it is...incomprehensible. It cannot happen." T'Pau turned from him, to gaze out of the window. "The fact that you ever even considered it indicates that you do not hold the proper respect for your ancestry. This situation has made me doubt your mental security."

"I hold great respect for my family." Sarek replied, fists clenching. "To suggest otherwise is irredeemable, T'Pau."

"Then how can you ever justify the attempt at choosing a human as a mate?" T'Pau asked. Her black eyes were upon him again, cutting into him like dark chips of stone.

"I do not see how it would be disrespectful to take a human wife." Sarek replied. "In fact, I believe it would indicate a high level of inter-species tolerance."

"Your thinking _is_ tainted by emotion when it comes to this Amanda." she spat. "Sarek- I request to meld with you. That will clear this up expeditiously. I must understand why you wish to reject a perfectly logical mate for a human."

"If this will assist you, then I will allow it." Sarek replied, and he sat on a sofa. She sat beside him, and placed her fingers on his meld points.

"My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts." she said, and then her presence was within him.

He felt her determination...she had every intention of disproving his logic, of finding a way to _make_ him bond with T'Para. He heard these thoughts as she delved into his memories.

_She was before him...he was unimpressed by her. It was their first meeting, and she had __so far proven herself to be inarticulate and uninformative. A prime example of human illogic...he would have to endure this throughout his post as ambassador? _

_ Now she was before him again- not long after their first meeting. She was being overly defensive, even rude...he found it fascinating, and from that point onward, he observed her from afar...watched as she walked by his office, as she boarded the shuttle at the end of the day...then he asked her to teach him about Terrans- his motivations purely logical, of course..._

_ Her apartment had been broken into. He found himself angry at the perpetrators...they had upset her, and he did not know how to comfort her. He invited her to stay at his home...it was only logical..._

_ He declared koon-ut so'lik. She refused, because that was not the way humans did it. She explained courtship rituals to him. She explained why she found it to be insulting- because humans married for love, not for 'logical' reasons. He had been confused, but still determined...she must become his mate, she was the most logical choice..._

_ So he asked her on a 'date', putting painstaking effort into it, to make it enjoyable for her- researching Terran customs and trying to abide by them while still remaining Vulcan. He must show her that he could do this, so that she would accept him as a mate..._

_ Then she came to him, upset because Karen had set her up for destruction...he had never been so unsettled by events. Why would she do this to her? Of course, he already knew...it was his fault. He must assist her in any way he could. He promised to do so, which led to..._

_ Their first kiss. When her lips met his, he had been in shock- how could he respond to such an action? But the contact had felt like a spark...a wonderful spark of electricity against his skin. When she pulled away, he leaned forward to initiate another kiss...he felt emotions, both his and hers, swelling within him, even while he blocked her from feeling his. It was...fascinating. And, as always, logical._

_ Whenever they kissed, he felt that strange spark...he did not think she felt it, but...he enjoyed it more every time. And when he taught her the ozh'esta, it became stronger, lasted longer. He was unsure what it was, but he believed it to be merely a side effect of skin-to-skin contact with her, which happened more frequently than he should allow..._

_ Then, they were at the fateful diplomatic dinner- the one that had changed the course of everything. Landon was 'flirting' with Amanda, and something within him stirred. Deep, Vulcan emotions were rising near to the surface...how dare Landon try to take HIS mate? His brain screamed the question at him. Amanda was HIS._

_ He was pulling her through the crowd by her hand. He did not wish for them to be separated. He must keep her close to him. This was his fault- he had forgotten that the reporters would be there. She had not been prepared._

_ Then- he was before her once more. Telling her that they must end it, because T'Pau had found him a logical mate. She was struggling to remain as stoic as he- she had no idea how much he was hurting. He must appear uncaring to her. He was anything but uncaring. Part of him was screaming at him- he could not leave her. She was his mate. If he walked out that door, he would never forgive himself._

_ He did it anyway. And when she began to cry, it was as if a dam had broken within him- roiling waves of agony filled him. He ached to return to her, to take her in his arms. He somehow knew that was what she wanted- for him to return, to tell her that he would not go after all. To reassure her, to console her. He did not. It would not have been logical._

_ And this past week...he had been full of so many previously unknown feelings. Anger, which was not unfamiliar to him...sorrow...and longing...he longed to be with her again, he missed her, just as she missed him...it was unfair._

T'Pau abruptly pulled out of the meld. Sarek blinked, disorientated. T'Pau stood and turned away from him, and he was surprised to see that her hands were clenched into fists.

"You are correct." she said coldly. "You cannot bond with T'Para."

Sarek stared at her rigid back.

"Please clarify." he replied coolly. She turned to him, her face set in hard lines. He realized that she was furious, even if it was not evident by her serene expression. The after-effects of the meld were lingering...he could feel some of what she was feeling.

"Your brain would reject the bonding." she replied tersely. "Because it has already claimed another as your mate. You unwittingly formed a weak empathic bond with the human. It is not a full bond- but the damage has been done. I can do nothing to change this."

"You are sure of this?" Sarek asked. He was unsure what he felt...stunned, but also...hope?

"I am. Her emotions linger with yours. Your anguish has not only been your own, Sarek, it is hers as well. You did not realize this because it is indistinguishable- you feel the same in this situation. I sensed the human emotions. Longing, for one. And the sense of unfairness. These are not Vulcan."

"What does this mean, T'Pau?" he asked, also standing. She looked up at him, black eyes cold as ice.

"This means that you must have your way. I do not condone this match, but I have no choice but to relent. I warn you- there is every possibility that this human will still reject you, and if that happens, you will die in the fires of your Time. I will not assist you in seeking another mate. And even if she accepts you- there is no guarantee that she will be strong enough to withstand your strength when your inhibitions are gone. You yourself may kill her. This, I leave on your conscience, not on mine."

Sarek did not reply, although he knew she was right, and the thought of hurting Amanda was almost too much for him to bear...

"You will eventually regret this, Sarek. You will find that this human cannot meet your needs. She is not an ideal candidate to be an ambassador's wife- she will dishonor you with her outbursts of irrationality. She cannot even bear you an heir. She is not worthy to be your wife- but you have already chosen, unconsciously or otherwise, and I cannot undo it." T'Pau turned away from him, heading for the door. "I will make the necessary announcements that the match is to be canceled. Consider yourself fortunate that, for some unintelligible reason, your mind believed the human to be compatible for you."

She was gone. The after-effects of the meld were gone, as well. But he knew she was beyond furious. He had thwarted her...he did not know how, but he had. His brain had somehow chosen Amanda without his knowledge. Why had he not noticed the weak link before? Their emotions had been in tandem, that is why...it had been only too easy to confuse her emotions with his.

He felt...relieved. But now there was something he must do.

He must return to Earth.


	20. Illogical Reasoning

**Chapter 20: Illogical Reasoning**

It had been a long, long week for Amanda. She was both physically and emotionally exhausted when she returned home late on Friday night from a seminar at SF State.

Sarek had left for Vulcan almost a week ago. All that week, she had constantly wondered if he was married yet. What his new wife was like. Whether or not he could ever be content with her. She knew that it certainly was not _helping _her to ponder these things- but she could not stop herself from doing it.

She had been especially moody this last week- and most of the time, she couldn't explain her sudden anger, or her bouts of melancholy, which seemed to occur randomly and without provocation. She was just...mentally exhausted. She missed Sarek, and it was tearing her up from the inside.

She needed to get her mind off of him. Thinking about him every day was only shoving her deeper down into despair. Yet, how could she take her mind off him, when she worked where he worked? Every time she walked by his office, it brought forth memories, and along with them- fresh heartbreak. Soon, he would be back to work there again- as a married man.

But she could handle it. She would have to. She wasn't going to quit her job just because a workplace romance got in the way. That was not professional. And...well, she still needed the credits. There was still another four months left to go before her graduation- and there was no telling how long it would take her to find a teaching position.

The last week had driven her into the company of others. Usually, she was too absorbed in her studies or in her work at the Embassy to pay much attention to her social life- but with the glaring absence of Sarek, she had realized again how lonely it could get. She joined her college acquaintances for lunch, and even went to a party the previous Saturday night, although she had not really had much fun. She and Sarah had met up more than once; they had gone together to pick out Amanda's new comm unit. They had dinner together. They talked and laughed, like sisters are supposed to do. But she did not tell Sarah about Sarek, although she may have guessed at the truth. She was grateful when her sister said nothing about it. After all, she was meeting with her for company- not for pity.

And as for the media...they had noticed Sarek's absence. Rumors were circulating that they had broken up. New articles cropped up everywhere that were along the lines of "I told you so". Amanda was disgusted by all of it. She wished it would end soon. It would have been bearable if it hadn't all been painfully true.

With a deep sigh of both exhaustion and relief to be home, Amanda kicked off her shoes and set the PADD she had brought with her for notes on the coffee table. She would go through those later- right now, all she wanted to do was put on her nightclothes and go to bed.

Yawning, she took out the clip that held her hair up off her neck, and tousled it so it fell around her shoulders before heading for the bedroom to begin undressing.

No sooner had she reached the doorway than the buzzer on her front door broke the relative silence of her apartment.

Her first reaction was nervousness. It was nearly midnight. Not even Sarah would come over unannounced this late. Suppose someone had seen her enter her apartment, alone...?

Her hands trembled slightly as she went to the door. "Who is it?" she called softly.

"It is I." came a familiar voice. She froze. It couldn't be! She slid back the locks, her heart pounding against her breastbone. Maybe some part of her thought it was a cruel joke.

"_Sarek_?" she asked incredulously when she saw him standing before her. Swiftly, he entered her apartment and closed the door. She watched in shock as he turned back to her. "What-?"

He did not allow her to finish her question. He reached out to her, catching her around the waist and pulling her against his chest. His lips- so hot, and far more passionate than they had ever been before- were against hers. She gasped in surprise, but wrapped her arms around him, holding on tightly. His lips moved against hers heatedly, and through the skin contact she felt...intense relief, as well as desire and that unnameable emotion that they both shared.

She did not want to ever let go- not when he was kissing her like this- putting all of himself into it. Like they would never have the chance again- and maybe they wouldn't. But...

"Sarek." she whispered against his lips as he pulled away slightly to catch his breath. He gave one shake of his head, and then pulled her back to him to resume his actions. She moaned quietly against him...she was full of emotions, both his and hers. It took every ounce of willpower that she had to pull back, her hands placed gently on his chest to prevent him from interrupting her.

There were still so many unanswered questions. She was confused. She must know...

"Sarek...we need to talk." she said breathlessly, still dazed. He seemed to have gotten some control over himself- his breathing was even, and his body more relaxed than it had been, as he still held her close to him.

"You are correct. I have much to tell you." he said quietly. He drew away from her, quickly regaining his Vulcan composure. Amanda found that she missed the warmth of his body. The air in her apartment now felt too cool against her skin.

"Let's sit down." she said, gesturing toward the couch. Her heart was still fluttering wildly in her chest. Was this really happening? Was Sarek really before her? Was she asleep, and this was all just a dream?

If it was, she never, ever wanted to wake up.

They sat beside one another, and Amanda resisted the urge to climb onto his lap, to hold him close to her. That would have been too distracting.

"Sarek...are you- I mean, did you..."

"I am not bonded, nor shall I be." he replied promptly. The look in his eyes as they met hers plainly said what he had not spoken aloud; _Unless it is to you_.

Amanda's breath caught in her throat. He was not married. The amount of relief she felt was overwhelming, and she found that she had to fight back tears.

"Why not? How did you manage to get out of it?" she asked.

"The High Council accepted that my reasons for courting you are entirely logical, even if they did not favor the match. And T'Pau...I merely told her that I had no wish to follow through with the bonding. She melded with me, and found that the bonding would not have worked due to certain circumstances."

But Amanda was stuck on one word in particular. Logical. She drew away from him, and she knew he noticed it when he looked at her questioningly.

In the shock and joy of his return- unmarried, no less- she had managed to forget what had transpired between them before. But now...

"They accepted that your reasons for courting me are logical." Amanda repeated in a flat tone. He tilted his head to one side.

"Yes." he replied. "Your tone indicates that you are displeased, Amanda."

She stood and folded her arms. He watched as she began to pace across the threadbare carpet.

"Sarek...I can't do this again. Not without reassurance."

Sarek stood, also. He was watching her, and she thought she could almost sense his panic.

"I do not understand." he replied.

She stopped pacing and looked up at him. "You say that your reasons for being with me are entirely logical."

"They are." he replied, as if perplexed that she would state the obvious.

"Sarek, logic is exactly what got us into this mess." she said, trying to contain her frustration. "I've already been hurt by your 'logic' once. I...I need to know that something like this isn't going to happen again, somewhere further along down the line."

"There is no conceivable circumstance that could hinder our progress." Sarek said, watching her closely. His arms were folded now also, and they stood five feet apart. "The Council has agreed that it is acceptable. This relationship is beneficial to me on many levels- my understanding of Terrans has increased exponentially. T'Pau can no longer interfere. There is no reason for us to discontinue."

"Except for the 'logical reasons for being with me part'." Amanda said, her voice rougher than she had intended it to be. She took a deep breath and wet her lips before she continued. "Sarek, I've had a lot of time these past two weeks to think about everything. I need to know that there are_ illogical_ reasons for this relationship, too. If there isn't, then I don't want to hurt myself any longer."

"You have linked with me. You are aware of how I..._feel._" he said the word almost with distaste- like it was an embarrassment for him to admit he had emotions.

"But you didn't cite that as a reason for this relationship. So I have to conclude that it_ isn't_ a reason. It's just an effect, and it will never come into consideration in any of your future decisions you may make regarding me. I don't know if I can be in a relationship with someone when I'm constantly afraid that a logical reason to end it may come up at any time. I'm aware that logic will always be placed above me, Sarek. I know it's not your fault- that is the way of your people, and I respect that- I respect _you_. But I have to consider my own emotions, and that includes the protection of them. I don't want to be hurt again."

"Amanda..." Sarek appeared to be lost for words. His brow was furrowed slightly. She felt heavy as she continued.

"This can't be a healthy relationship when I'm fearing for myself. And it's not healthy for you, either, when you constantly have to battle against your Vulcan heritage to adjust to _this_. I know this has been a challenge for you. I...I don't deny that I _want _to be with you." she bit her lips as she looked away from him. "But unless you find some way to _guarantee_ me that this won't happen again- that you'll take things other than logic into consideration- and that this relationship is worth fighting for...then I can't do it."

There was a silence. She could feel Sarek's eyes on her. She wanted to meet them, but she couldn't.

"I still do not understand." he said, his voice lowered. "What is it that you require of me? What 'illogical reasoning' are you looking for?"

"Damn it, Sarek." Amanda sighed, and finally looked at him. "You're not stupid. You can figure it out."

He did not reply to that. She looked away again. Of course he couldn't understand what she needed. Love would never figure into his thought process, even if he _did_ feel it.

"Sarek...I'm not saying definitively that this is over, right now. I just...I think we need time to think about this. About how continuing this will affect us, both good and bad. You need to think about your reasoning for everything- logical or otherwise. When you've thought of a way to convince me that I can trust you beyond a doubt, then I'll be more than willing to have this conversation again."

"You are saying, that...if I do not comprehend what you need of me, then this relationship is terminated." Sarek clarified. She lowered her head, looking down at her feet.

"That's exactly what I'm saying. You can't deal solely in logic when a human is concerned, Sarek. Emotions weigh heavily on our decisions- you know that. _Logic_ isn't enough for me. I need to know that you feel what you're supposed to feel for me- and that you'll let it influence your decisions regarding me, at least a little."

"I am not sure I fully understand as of yet...but I will try to." Sarek said. Silence hung in the room. She looked back up at him.

"I'm really tired. I should be going to bed." she said.

"Of course. I will take my leave." Sarek said. He moved to go past her, to the door. He paused beside her, and she unconsciously leaned toward his heat. He bent forward, and kissed her cheek softly. Through the contact, she felt his...sadness. "Good night, Amanda." he said, his breath hot against her skin, and then he left.

Amanda watched him go, knowing that she had said all the right things- but still feeling like she hadn't. Deep down, she was afraid. She didn't want to lose him. But he couldn't possibly give her what she had requested. It would not be..._Vulcan_...to allow emotions to direct actions.

She sank down onto the sofa, and buried her face in her hands. She did not cry- but she felt so_ heavy_.


	21. Reflection

**Chapter 21: Reflection**

Amanda stared at the article displayed on her PADD, her elbows propped up on the tiny kitchen table, her fingers massaging her temples in a vain attempt to make the forming headache go away.

The day before- mere hours before Sarek showed up on her doorstep- she had been heading onto campus for her seminar. When she got off the shuttle at her usual stop, it was to find a woman waiting for her. She had told her that she worked for a local e-news center, which featured a column on celebrity relationships every Saturday. She had then proceeded to take pictures of Amanda as she walked away from her- and she had bombarded her with questions. _Personal_ questions- she even dared to ask if a Vulcan was any good in bed! Not that Amanda knew, anyway, but she couldn't believe the woman's audacity, and her temper had easily peaked. When she continued to be unresponsive, the woman had changed tact.

"There have been rumors going around about you and the ambassador- that you broke up. Are you still together or not?"

The last two weeks had been hard enough. That question was only a reminder, and as it was asked, it was like a knife going through her heart. She snapped- spinning around to face the woman.

"_No_, we're not! Are you happy? Now leave me alone!" she snarled. She was tired of paparazzi hounding her. They only reminded her of what she had lost- and she didn't want them meddling any more. Hopefully, this would put an end to it. She had turned back around and entered the college grounds.

Now, as she looked at the article before her, she regretted snapping. Had Sarek seen this? What would he think of her- announcing their initial break-up like she had? She reread it for what felt like the hundredth time...

But did it really matter if the public knew of their separation? Although she had told him the night before that it wasn't officially over...she knew that it was. Even if he understood what she needed, she knew he could not give it, and she was prepared for that fact. She did not expect him to go against everything he knew, just for her. She knew better than to expect too much.

With a deep sigh, she sat back in her chair. She had missed him...and then, totally unexpectedly, he had shown up out of the blue, and kissed her like...well, she didn't have a metaphor for it. She still wasn't sure what was going on. _Why_ had he backed out of the marriage? He had given her the _how_, but what had been his motivation?

She was sure that, whatever it was, it was every bit as logical as his reasoning for dating her. She huffed in frustration as she thought about that. He had dated her for the same exact reason that he had proposed to her: because she could teach him about Terrans. Did he really have no other motivation for it? Or did he just _pretend_ not to? Were Vulcans so ashamed of their emotions that they refused to recognize love- the strongest of them all? _Did _he love her? Did he _realize_ that he loved her?

She knew that answer as it pertained to herself. She had known for some time that her affection for him was growing, but she wasn't sure of the exact moment when it mutated into something more. Or maybe she had felt it for a long time- and had not dared to name it. She had denied it, even as it grew stronger. And...with good reason, considering how things had turned out.

Amanda rubbed at her eyes with the heels of her hands. She had not slept well the night before- her brain had simply refused to shut off. Thoughts of Sarek, of the fact that he had not married that woman after all...of the way he had kissed her...had chased each other through her mind for hours, before she finally succumbed to the darkness hovering at the edges of her consciousness.

Her heart screamed at her not to...but her mind knew that it was only right for her to let him go. It was...logical.

* * *

Sarek lit the final bowl of incense, and then took his place on the mat, legs folded. He must meditate. He must search within himself for the answer to what Amanda required of him.

He had instructed T'Shan to refuse all incoming calls, and to not disturb him. He had caught up on the sleep he had needed and not received for several days the night before...and now he was prepared to meditate continuously until he reached a conclusion- or he was forced to stop. Whichever came first.

He took deep breaths, inhaling the spicy scent of the incense. A deep calm that he had not experienced in two weeks settled over him as he sank into a meditative state. He was no longer in torment. He had done what was required to free the way for he and Amanda...and as for their current problem...

He had been almost _eager_ as he rushed to her apartment the night before. He had not even paused to think about the late hour. All that mattered was getting to his Amanda and telling her that their way was clear. When she had opened the door, he had been unable to restrain himself from taking her into his arms- in what was a very un-Vulcan action. He attributed it to his lack of proper meditation.

He had not expected her to have doubts...although now, of course, he realized that it was logical after what had occurred, that she be wary of accepting him again. But he had confidence that this would soon be resolved, and she would no longer fear for their relationship. Everything depended on it...he must find the answer.

He had not told her about the link they shared. If she knew about it, she would likely feel obligated to be with him, because he could not bond with anyone else. He did not want her to be with him out of obligation. That was precisely what he had just escaped from- a chained marriage. If she did not desire to bond with him, then he would not attempt to force her into it. But if he could salvage their relationship at this time, he would certainly try to.

But what was it that she needed of him, to assuage her doubts? As to that, he was confused. He had not bonded with T'Para. He had defended her before the Council and T'Pau. What more did she want?

"_I need to know that there are illogical reasons for this relationship, too..."_

To what illogical reason had she referred to? He was courting her because he wished to bond with her...he wished to bond with her because she could teach him. He enjoyed her company, he enjoyed kissing her...she made him_ feel._..Ahh, _that_ was it.

Even _he_ could admit that his reasoning for not bonding with T'Para was...less than logical. Perhaps he should have told Amanda this? That he had refused the bonding because he simply did not _wish _to go through with it- because he _wished _ to be with _her_?

Sarek's brow furrowed, even as he was still in deep meditation. Why had he not wished to bond with T'Para? And if his reasoning for being with Amanda was so logical, why had their separation pained him so? These questions disturbed him. Perhaps there were _illogical_ reasons after all...

He was beginning to get closer to what Amanda required, he knew it...and he knew it was time to evaluate his feelings for her. He had denied himself this before. Logical beings did not dwell on their emotions- because they did not allow them to interfere with their decisions- but wasn't that what he had already done? Had he not acted emotionally when he refused to marry T'Para? If there was ever a time to dissect and study his emotions, it was now.

He focused himself inwardly, and thought of Amanda. Her brown eyes- shining as they looked at him. Her lips, curving in a smile- lips that he knew were even softer than they looked. Her voice, a caress to his senses. Contentment settled over him, mingled with the unnameable feelings he experienced for her. She had given him names for many of them. But he never acknowledged them like he should.

She made him feel..._proud_. He was proud when he pleased her, when he made her smile or laugh. He was proud that she was his. That she wanted no one else.

She made him..._happy_, when he was with her. He felt light, and his heart seemed to beat faster when she was near. He did not understand why she made him feel this way. But she did.

He felt..._desire_ for her. Vulcans were not supposed to desire. Yet he did, for her. He _desired_ to kiss her. He _desired_ to hold her cool body close to his. And...sometimes, when she was too close to him, he felt the illogical desire to take her as his, even though he was not in the midst of Pon Farr.

He felt both _protective_ and _possessive_. She belonged to him. He did not want to see her with another male. And if anyone were to ever harm her- or even touch her- he would have to step in. He could not bear to see her hurt. And it was _her_ hurt, most of all, that had pained him these last two weeks. He had hurt her when he left her behind. He had hurt her with logic- just as she had claimed. He was his own worst enemy.

Yes, he felt all of these things. But what caused them? _Why_ did he feel proud, happy, desirous and protective of her? These were all connected. They were parts that made a whole. They were products of something much more powerful.

Suddenly, he understood.

Love. Love was what this was- the very emotion humans placed so much importance on in their decision-making process with their mates. How could he have been so in denial as to not recognize it for what it was? That much of what he had done, was out of love for her? He had spent so much time ignoring his emotions, he had nearly lost her because of it. He had not allowed himself the truth- that when it came to her, even his logical decisions were infused with emotion.

_This _was what she sought from him. She wanted to know that he felt this way, for him to leave her in no doubt of it. She wanted to be reassured that _this _was the illogical reason he had for being with her. That their relationship was not based solely on logic. And it wasn't- he had known this all along, even if he would not have admitted it freely. She, however, did not know- because he had never told her.

She did not know how much he had already done because of this love. He had not bonded with T'Para. He had stood up to the Council and his matriarch. He had shelved his Vulcan dignity to participate in courtship. He had done everything he could to stay with her- because he loved her.

He had used logic in each situation, of course. Yet, this love had been what drove him to seek logical alternatives in situations that seemed hopeless. Amanda had once told him that logic could be bent to suit one's desires. She was correct. He had done so, without even realizing it. And if he had done it before, he could do so again in the future.

He felt light, as if a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders, as he stood from the mat. The incense had burned down- the scent was not even lingering in the air. How long had he been in meditation? He checked his internal clock, and was surprised to find that it had been six hours and twenty-four minutes.

He now knew what she needed. But how to tell her? How to soothe away her worries? He was inadequate when it came to verbal expression. But he must learn, if he wanted to keep her. And he _did _want to keep her.

As much as Sarek wished to tell her today- he must wait. He did not yet have the proper words. He wanted to do this right- to prove that her fears were baseless. He must consider the task before him carefully- there was no room for errors.

**A/N: Just want to point out that the article mentioned that Amanda was reading, will be in the next chapter. So you don't feel like I left it out completely :)**

**Also...to nonymouse's review for chapter 19...good job at noticing that T'Para is a geneticist :) You're right- we haven't seen the last of her.  
**


	22. Declaration

**A/N: Again, much thanks to LadyFangs, who wrote the news article (makes sense, she's the reporter, not me) and made some edits that were great.**

**Also- the awesome Philotic_net over at livejournal illustrated a scene from chapter 20 for me (THANK YOU!) Here's a link:**

**http://philotic-netDOTdeviantartDOTcom/art/Logic-isn-t-enough-for-me-144174360**

**Just replace the DOTs with periods, and there you go. **

**Chapter 22: Declaration**

Sarek looked at the news article on his PADD, eyebrows risen a fraction of an inch.

He had come out of his meditation only forty-eight minutes before, and settled in his bedchamber to read both the Terran and Vulcan news- as he always did in the evenings. He had not expected this particular article, however. To say the least, it was...interesting.

**_NO HAPPY ENDING- By Lynn Hatter, reporter for SF Chronicle_**

_** It's officially over- says Amanda Grayson, now ex-girlfriend of the Vulcan Ambassador to Earth. When asked whether or not she and Sarek of Vulcan were still dating, she remarked, "No! We're not!", rather adamantly.**_

Considering the fact that Amanda usually said nothing to representatives from the media, he knew she would have only broken in such a manner because she was being harassed. The 'adamantly' could be ignored. She had been in distress, and it had been evident in her tone. He was sure that the reporter had simply misinterpreted it. And as for the fact that the public now knew of their 'breakup'...well, if they resumed their relationship, this could be excellent news. The privacy they had previously enjoyed could be reinstated- at least briefly.

_**This breakup confirms what several sociologists have been saying repeatedly- Vulcan/Human relationships do not work. Take Dr. Herbert Freud, great-great-great-great grandnephew of the 19**__**th**__** Century's famed psychologist Sigmund Freud. He says, "It was clear from the start of this relationship, that the values and cultural norms of Humans and Vulcans are too different. Their emotional repression is systematic, of a need to dominate and control- humans on the other hand, reject any form of submission. It was clear that in analyzing this relationship, the human could not acquiesce to the demand for subversion."**_

_**What Freud is saying is that Ms. Grayson may have backed out of the relationship on her own accord- It has never been confirmed, but is rumored that Vulcan men treat women as property- a norm that went out of style through Earth's Suffrage movement of the 20**__**th**__** Century and completely forced out of common thought by the Feminists of the 21**__**st**__** Century.**_

While it was true that their cultures were vastly different, Sarek believed that their relationship had been going extremely well up until that dinner at Landon's. If it had not been for that, this Herbert Freud's theory would have held merit- although he did not believe that logic meant domination and control. He had never pressured Amanda to submit to him in any way- although she had, on many occasions, found logic to be frustrating and hurtful. And as for the idea that Vulcans considered women property, well...that was a matter he chose to address at a later time. Their culture was complex- although largely matriarchal, there were still certain aspects that he knew would take time to explain.

But the article made it sound more like slavery. He considered Amanda _his _because she was his mate. He simply disliked the idea of anyone else touching her. In any way.

_**But another psychologist, Dr. Mary S. Rolletti, takes an opposing view.**_

_** She says, "Humans view relationships differently than Vulcans do. For our Vulcan friends, a relationship is formed for logical reasons- the concept of romance and love is not included in their culture. Although we do not have all the facts, we can make a safe assumption that in the end, it simply was not a logical pairing."**_

This was certainly very true. He believed he preferred this Rolletti's theory over Freud's. She, at least, had come closer to the truth. It had not been Amanda who rejected him- it was simply believed to be an illogical match at the time. Love and romance were not, indeed, included in his culture- at least not openly. Such concepts were not used to justify actions, but they were still quietly present in some places. He must ensure that Amanda not feel that romance was absent from their relationship. His goal, all along, had been to accommodate her views on relationships. He must try harder- he did not want her to feel trapped by Vulcan strictures.

_**And then there is the prevailing view: Was this "relationship" all about the money? It is well-known that Ambassador Sarek is one of the wealthiest bachelors in the known galaxy, having holdings both on Earth and on his native planet.**_

_** And it is not outside our human customs to marry for money. Could Amanda Grayson have been in it for the dough? A former associate of Grayson's who worked at the Vulcan Embassy says yes.**_

_** "Amanda is not wealthy. And if screwing a wealthy Vulcan gets her higher up on the social totem-pole- then clearly she went for it."**_

_** That source also says that Grayson was recently accused of attempting to steal highly sensitive data from the embassy, a crime that if she'd been prosecuted for would have carried life imprisonment.**_

_** However, it is important to note that Grayson was never charged and is still employed at the embassy.**_

_** Regardless of the "why" or "how" of the breakup, it is very apparent that this is one fairy tale without a happy ending.**_

Sarek had heard the conjecture that Amanda was with him only for his wealth numerous times. In news articles, from his colleagues- who tended to forget about his superior hearing- and several other sources. He was, to use a human phrase he had learned from Amanda, sick and tired of it. He knew she was not with him for his wealth. At all times that he had tried to assist her with expenses, she absolutely refused. Was that not proof enough? If he had his way, she would not be living in her current abode. She would not struggle to pay her expenses- and she would have no debt with the university, nor would she want for anything.

And there was no doubt who this 'source' was. He had to force down his contempt as he thought of Karen. Of course she would bring _her _crimes to public attention as Amanda's. He only hoped Amanda would not face public scrutiny due to this accusation.

But that last sentence.._."it is very apparent that this is one fairy tale without a happy ending..." _It left him feeling strangely empty. Though the emotion was clearly illogical, he felt as if a part of him was missing. Amanda.

After reading this article, he was more determined than ever not to allow his Vulcan nature and proclivity for logic to continue to adversely affect their relationship. He knew there would be times that would be difficult for the both of them, and perhaps he would be the reason for it. But he had every intention of giving her the 'happy ending' this article refuted. He would show them that a human and a Vulcan could be a compatible match- despite their differences. They would defy the public's expectations- he was sure of it.

That is, if he could even get around the obstacle he was currently facing: How to tell her how he felt without compromising his Vulcan dignity.

* * *

He meditated over this situation for several hours during the next day and on Monday morning. He had known this would not be a simple task- but it was shaping up to be quite a formidable challenge. He did not believe he could simply come right out and say it- he could not state his emotions so easily. They were only words, that is true...but very powerful words that contradicted the teachings of Surak that he had followed all his life. But he would only have to do it once...he could shelve his inhibitions long enough for that. He knew it would please Amanda, and secure her as his mate.

_Amanda_...it was ironic that her very name was Latin for "worthy of love". She was very worthy of his love- but perhaps _he_ was not worthy enough for_ her_. No...that could not be correct. She would not have chosen him if she did not believe him worthy of her. This thought filled him with peace, and he allowed himself to indulge in reminiscing for several minutes.

Realizing that he was not focusing on the situation at hand, he re-centered himself. It was already Monday- he must go in to the Embassy in an hour. He would see her again- and he wished to have good news for her. But he would not, if he continued to allow his thoughts to drift.

He knew he must explain certain things to her...he must be sure to inform her of the reason he did not bond with T'Para- with the exception of the weak bond, of course. He would save that information for the future, when she was again comfortable with him and he was sure that it would not put undue pressure on her for marriage.

Once he had done that, he must reassure her that he would consider both of their emotions in his logical decisions- as contradictory as that sounded. He would not allow anything to come between them again if he could prevent it- if there was any logical way out of it at all.

Then there were the actual words of declaration that he must speak...this was the part he was most wary of. "I love you" was out of the question. It was far too direct, and no self-effacing Vulcan would dare use such a phrase- even if it was the truth, and spoken in private to one's bonded mate.

How many different ways were there to say the words? He wracked his extensive memory banks. Surely there was a way to confess himself with dignity.

Perhaps the answer was not Human. Perhaps the words he sought were Vulcan...

There was a particular Vulcan phrase that he could use...and it was considered acceptable even in his culture. Would she accept that? He hoped she would. It was the best he could do.

Content that he had formed at least a basis for what he would tell her, he rose from his meditation mat and began to prepare himself for that day's duties.

* * *

Amanda hated Mondays- just like every other being on Earth. She had two tests to take that week for her classes, and she had to work three days- it also didn't help that her week had been off to such a bad start, with that stupid article. It would be a long week- especially as she had to see Sarek, although she knew it would not be as bad as it would have been if he were now married.

In fact, when she saw him for the first time since Friday night, she found that she was slightly more hopeful than she had been. It was only a brief glimpse- their gazes barely making contact as he passed her in the lobby- but her mood was immediately lifted. She had been strangely calm ever since late Saturday afternoon- now she felt almost zen.

When Linette handed her PADDs that needed to be signed, she did not even hesitate to go into Sarek's office. She handed one to him, pleased when he allowed his fingers to brush against hers.

"Amanda." he said quietly as he signed the document. "I have meditated over what you said upon my return. I am ready to continue the conversation. Will you consent to coming to my home tonight for your evening meal?"

She felt like the air had been knocked out of her. Was she hearing right? Had he really figured it out? Had he found a way to make her believe they could be together? And so quickly?

"What time will you come get me?" she asked as she took the PADD back. His eyes met hers.

"Is 1830 hours convenient for you?" he asked. She smiled at him.

"I'll see you then." she replied, and backed away a few steps before turning to leave. She suddenly felt much happier- but then quashed it. She didn't know what Sarek would say. She had learned quickly that when it came to that particular male, it was better to not get one's hopes up too high.

* * *

Sarek was...nervous. He was not sure if that was his emotion, or hers. The link was very weak- he found that he could only feel her when she was in extreme moments of emotionalism, and sometimes not even then. It was erratic- but he was beginning to be able to distinguish her feelings from his. There was a subtle difference.

He wanted to make sure everything was suitable for her on this night. As he directed the cook on which dishes to prepare, he ordered T'Shan to turn the temperature settings in the dining room and the living room down to a level tolerable to humans. Once the food was nearly prepared, he left to retrieve her.

On his way to her apartment, he thought of what he would say to her- and when he should say it. He decided that it would be best to wait until after they had eaten and were seated in the living room. And what then? He now knew that this was definitely _his_ nervousness. He could only hope that he had been correct in his conclusion.

She had been waiting for him. As soon as he pressed the buzzer, the door opened.

"Sarek." she said with a gentle smile as she stepped outside. She looked especially appealing in a pale-yellow top that clung to her form, and black slacks.

"Amanda." he said. He took comfort in the familiarity of their actions as he led her to his hover-car and opened the door.

They spoke little in the hover-car. And throughout dinner, they indulged in what she termed 'small talk'. But they were both eager to finish eating. As the dishes were cleared away, he began to think of what he would say to her.

"Come to the living room with me." he said after several silent seconds. He stood from his chair, and went to her. "It is time for our discussion."

She nodded, and stood also, following him out into the hallway, and then into the living room. She sat on a sofa, and he sat beside her. He did not speak right away...he was still struggling with his words. Finally, and with a deep breath, he began.

"Amanda..." his voice was low. "There are things I have not told you. I am not sure if I can adequately express them...but I will attempt to. You have said that there needs to be an illogical reason for this relationship...and there is. I have not told you as much, because it is not in my nature to do so. Now, I know that you require such reassurance. I must set aside my discomfort to reassure you."

She was listening attentively, her eyes not leaving his. He moved closer to her, so that their arms and knees were almost touching.

"I did not bond with T'Para because I had no desire to. There was no logical reason for the rejection. I was...greatly disturbed emotionally, because I could not have you. Do you understand, Amanda? I did not bond with her because of my...feelings...for you. You claim logic is always foremost in my mind when it comes to my decisions regarding you, but your assumption is incorrect. I often use logic to conceal my real motivations, that is true. You have said this to me before. Do you not see that I have done this, more than once? And that I will continue to do so, because I have no wish to be parted from you? I will do all I can to prevent another separation- I should not have allowed T'Pau to interfere before. It was foolish of me, and for your pain...I am more regretful than you could ever know."

He had never said such...un-Vulcan things before. He found it oddly liberating. But something was wrong...her eyes were glittering with tears. Had he been incorrect? He felt panic rising within him. Perhaps he should get to the point.

"Amanda." he leaned forward, pressing his forehead against hers. This was a gesture of intimacy only allowed between bond mates, and he was sure she knew this. "The only acceptable way that I can say what you wish me to is..._taluhk nash-veh k'dular_."

She seemed puzzled.

"What does that translate to?" she asked. He closed his eyes, pressing his forehead slightly harder against hers.

"I cherish thee, Amanda." he said quietly. "And that is the illogical reason you seek- and the most _important_ reason."

He was almost startled when her arms closed around him, and she pressed her cheek against his.

"Amanda, have I upset you?" he asked, perplexed. She laughed.

"No." she replied. "Everything you said was perfect."

"As you said Friday evening...I am not stupid." he said. She laughed again, the sound immensely pleasing to him as she pulled away, placing her hands on the sides of his face.

"Sarek...I'm going to give you one last chance. But if you screw up again, I'm done with you."

"I will do my best not to...'screw up'." he said, using the odd expression. "I will make every effort to accommodate this relationship."

"I know that you place logic on a pedestal. But as long as it doesn't affect our relationship drastically, I understand. I'll do my best to _continue_ understanding. I admit, it's not going to be simple for me to ease back into this. You'll still have to work for it. Both of us do." she said, and leaned forward to kiss him. His eyes slipped closed as her cool lips pressed against his. When she pulled away, he extended two fingers in the _ozh'esta_. She met it, and he poured what he was feeling into her.

"I will attempt to understand your emotionalism, as well." he said. She pressed her fingers harder against his.

"You're being impertinent."

"As are you."

She laughed yet again, and he felt her joy.

"Let's start over, Sarek."

"I would prefer not to have to repeat everything I said. I am not accustomed to such verbal displays."

"I mean _us_." she said, and she moved to sit on his lap, her arms around his neck. He felt that desire to take her again as she settled down- and quickly repressed it. "Now that I know that you're not as logical as you claim to be- I'm willing to start over, and give you a chance to redeem yourself."

"I am still logical." Sarek replied, disgruntled. She leaned forward to kiss him yet again, and the very slight frown that had formed was quickly gone.

"And Sarek?" she asked. He reached up to touch her cheek.

"Yes, Amanda?"

"I love you." she whispered. He had known this already...but he could not describe how it made him feel to hear the words. Was this why she had insisted on it, as well? He pulled her to him- and kissed her, hard.

He still had experimentation with endorphins to do, after all...and they both had plenty of time that evening.


	23. Happy Birthday

**A/N: There's some T-ness in this chapter...and this is a really long chapter, too, LOL.  
**

**Chapter 23: Happy Birthday**

Amanda knew that it was probably unwise to be so rapturous- yet she was. She knew that if something ever happened to them, and they separated for good- she would be crushed, because she had allowed herself to be so foolishly happy.

But at the moment, she did not care. She loved him, and she now knew that he loved her- and that he would preserve their relationship to the very best of his abilities, which she knew were great. That was enough.

She was unable to stop smiling the entire time they were in the hover-car as he took her home. She turned her face away from him, to look out the window- to try to hide her grin. Of course, he still saw it.

"You appear to be content." he said. She gave a short laugh.

"You really do have a way of understating things." she said. They did not speak for a few minutes, and then...

"I read a rather interesting article on Saturday." he said. She winced.

"Yeah, me too." she said, wondering what he would say about it.

"It has...brought several things to my attention. None of which you need concern yourself with at this moment, although I did wish to point out the positive aspect of the media being unaware of our reunion."

"Meaning we can go on dates without them butting in?" she said, looking at him with a smile.

"Perhaps. But, to maintain our privacy, I believe that we should be a little more...subtle."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"I propose that we limit our meals to my residence, with occasional ventures elsewhere. And, when incapable of that, we can communicate via private transmission."

Amanda mulled that over, again looking out the window. She enjoyed going places with him- but if this would mean keeping the media in the dark for as long as possible...and she really didn't mind going to his place...

"Amanda?" he asked when she did not speak for a full minute. She turned back to him.

"That's acceptable." she said.

"Your pause indicates that you are not...fond of the idea." he said, glancing over at her.

"No, I'm fine with it, honestly." she said.

"You are sure? Amanda, I have no intentions of 'forcing you into submission'."

"I think maybe you took that article a little too seriously." Amanda said with a sigh. "I _said_ I'm fine with it."

He settled into silence, and soon they were approaching her apartment. As always, he walked her to the door.

"I would prefer to come inside with you, however...I have a conference to attend tomorrow morning. My visitation to Vulcan has set me behind, and I have not prepared my notes."

"Kind of last-minute don't you think?" she asked, raising an eyebrow. "In fact, it's almost _human_."

"There is no need to insult me." Sarek said, and leaned forward, gently pressing her against the wall of the alcove that led to her door. His heat surrounded her as he bent his head to kiss her. She smiled against his lips.

"If your way of reprimanding me is a kiss, you do realize that I will only continue to insult you by calling you human?" she asked when he had pulled away.

"Then so be it." he replied. She reached up to stroke his jaws with her fingers.

"I would stand out here and insult you all night, then, if it weren't for the fact that I have classes tomorrow."

"There will be other times." he said, and she stood on her tiptoes to kiss him.

"Good night." she said.

"Good night, Amanda." he replied, and then stepped away. She swiped her card and entered her apartment as he returned to his hover-car.

Once her door was relocked and he was gone, she sank onto the sofa with that smile still fixed onto her face.

She honestly had not believed he could give her what she wanted- she had even felt selfish for asking it of him, knowing he could not do it. But he had. He told her what she meant to him- assured her that he did not want to be separated from her, and would not allow it to happen again. Everything he had said had been incredibly romantic, the sort of things every woman wished a man would say to her. And it had come from a _Vulcan_- which meant that this was no idle declaration. He _meant _every word of it.

One of the worst things about human males was that they found it only too easy to lie. They lied about their feelings, about their motivations...who they had been with the night before when they claimed they had been with friends and really hadn't been...

She wasn't surprised that she had fallen for a Vulcan, one of the most honest species out there. She was tired of being lied to. What woman _wasn't_? In fact, she was tired of human men, period. She'd had her fair share of boyfriends who lied and took advantage of her feelings. None of them had ever been as unselfishly good to her as Sarek was.

And as her eyes slipped closed, she knew one thing: she was a very, very lucky woman. She vowed that, no matter how difficult things became for them, she would try her best to get over it- because she had a one-of-a-kind male on her hands. Sure, there were drawbacks- mostly his important position in government, and the resultant publicity- as well as his logic. But other than that, he was...perfect.

_He would say that to suppose anything can be 'perfect' is illogical_, she thought with a smirk. Even if it was illogical, she believed he was as close to perfect as a man could get.

* * *

On Wednesday, it was raining when Amanda showed up at the Embassy. To her dismay, there was a crowd of reporters there- despite the weather. She lifted her bag to shield her head from the torrential downpour, and made a dash for the entrance.

"Miss Grayson- why did you break up with the ambassador?"

"_Did_ he treat you like you were his property?"

"What advice would you give anyone else who may try a Vulcan/Human relationship?"

She rushed past them, ignoring their questions as she always did. She pushed open the doors and headed into the warm, dry building. Dripping water onto the marble floor, she lowered her bag and shook her wet hair out of her eyes.

She was getting her coffee when the doors opened again, and she heard more shouted questions from the reporters, mingled with the sounds of rain thudding against the walkway.

"Ambassador, care to comment on your breakup? Was Miss Grayson simply not good enough for you?"

"Is it true that Vulcan males are chauvinistic?"

The doors closed heavily, blocking them out. Amanda turned to see Sarek standing just inside the doors- water dripping off of his clothing, his hair plastered against his head. She noted, with some amusement, that he reminded her of a wet cat- especially with his pointed ears. She bit back a laugh, and looked around to see that they were the only ones in the lobby.

"Do you want some tea?" she asked, noticing when he shivered slightly before regaining control over himself. He looked up at her.

"I will get it myself." he replied, and made his way over to the replicator.

"Hopefully they'll give up soon." she said softly as she watched him. It had not occurred to her before- but he was likely to get more backlash from that article than she would.

"Once they realize that their endeavors are useless, they will." Sarek replied. He glanced up at her, and caught her smile. "What is so amusing?"

"Nothing...it's just, I assume that since Vulcans come from an arid planet, that they're not used to getting drenched."

"I do not find it comfortable." he replied. "Which is why I store towels in my office. If you accompany me there, you may dry off as well."

"What would everyone think if they saw _that_?" she asked mockingly.

"They would likely deduce the truth." he replied. "But as there are few here this early, I am certain no one will see us."

"It was a rhetorical question." Amanda pointed out. He did not reply as he led her to the lift. They did not speak until they reached his office, where he opened a cupboard and took out two white towels, handing one to her.

She toweled off, and watched as he dried his hair- which was a mess. She smirked as he tried to flatten it.

"Here." she said, and went to him, raising her hands to his head, smoothing down his hair. He watched her as she smiled up at him. "I know that you Vulcans are secretly vain about your hair." she remarked.

"It is not a matter of vanity, Amanda. To have a neat appearance gives the impression that one is organized and meticulous."

"Sure." she said, resisting the urge to kiss him. She rested her hands on his cheeks. "You're cute when you're all wet."

Both of his eyebrows rose.

"Cute?" he repeated flatly. She tilted her head.

"Adorable, even." she said with a smirk.

"And may I remind you that we are in my office- not a private location. Please, do not touch me so intimately here."

"You consider_ this _intimate?" she asked, stroking one corner of his mouth with a thumb.

"I do." he replied, and reached up to pull her hands away from his face.

"What would you do if I kissed you?"

"I would..." he paused. "I would ask you to leave, so that I may concentrate on my work."

"You hesitated." she grinned.

"Vulcans do not-"

"You just did, Sarek." She was laughing now.

"You are being incorrigible." he said, but somehow she knew he was amused.

"_Ahem_." came a sound from the doorway. Amanda spun around, to see Linette. Her arms were folded over her chest, and she was glaring at Amanda. "Clock-in is in five minutes, Grayson."

Amanda wondered how long she had been standing there, and how much she had seen. She and Sarek had been standing very close together- and her hands had been laying on his chest.

"Of course, Linette." she said moving away from Sarek, toward the door.

"I knew I would find you down here when you weren't in the office yet." Linette added as they walked away. Amanda threw Sarek one last look before disappearing around the corner. "I would like to remind you that this is still a professional environment. On top of that- there is a whole building full of people waiting to rat you out the second they realize you two are back together. If you want to keep your name out of the news, at least_ try_ not to be so blatant. If I find you in his office again when it is not related directly to your job, you'll be in trouble. I'm not going to cover for you."

Amanda turned to stare at Linette as they walked.

"Why are you...?" Amanda trailed off, confused.

"I just think it's ridiculous how much press you're getting." Linette said with a scowl. "It's not like you're the first inter-species couple, nor will you be the last. You're only getting so much attention because of who he is. But don't think I'm doing this just for you- ever since the press found out that I'm your boss, I've had reporters following me, trying to get an interview. I'm sick of it, Grayson- which is why I would prefer it if you kept it under wraps."

"So...I can't even have lunch with him any more?" she asked.

"No, you can't. As far as everyone knows, you two broke up. For both your and my sake, don't let them know any different."

Amanda was crestfallen. She had looked forward to having lunch in Sarek's office again. But Linette did have a point...even if it _did_ cut back on their time together...

"Okay." she grumbled as they reached their corridor.

"By the way," Linette paused and looked at her. "He_ definitely _hesitated."

She left Amanda staring after her as she headed into her own office.

* * *

Amanda found that her days were much less enjoyable now that she could not even have lunch with Sarek. He had accepted her explanation without a word, although she knew- somehow- that he was disappointed as well. _How_ she knew, she had no idea. Maybe she had been around him so much that she was becoming attuned to him?

But he _did _contact her on Friday evening via comm-link. She had not seen him for more than a few minutes altogether since Wednesday, and even though it had only been two days, she found that she missed him.

They had not spoken long- after all, it was illogical to talk about nothing- but it was long enough for them to establish their next date. Not for that weekend, unfortunately- Sarek had to go to Italy, of all places, for a conference over the weekend. She was disappointed by this news.

"This is regrettable, but I will make plans for us next Saturday instead." Sarek said after he told her this news.

"So we're actually going out?" she asked hopefully.

"Is that not what I said?" he asked, raising his eyebrows. She smiled warmly at him.

"The only part I don't like is not seeing much of you until then." she admitted. A whole week...she would have to go a whole week without him.

"That is also regrettable." he said. "However, your supervisor has an excellent point."

"I know." she said, and sighed.

"I will contact you when I am able to, Amanda." he said. She nodded, and soon he had disconnected. It wasn't until afterward that she remembered that the Saturday they had scheduled their date for was her birthday.

* * *

That week was long and torturous. He only spoke to her once more on the comm, and she only caught a few glimpses of him. Although...he did find ways to make it more bearable. Whenever she brought anything into his office, he would discretely offer her two fingers, and she would meet them in the _ozh'esta_ with a smile. The small surge of affection that he would send her was enough to get her through the day.

She was grateful when the reporters stopped showing up in front of the Embassy- although several more articles had appeared. They were not negative towards _her_, but they were obviously disapproving of Sarek. She found that this was worse than them being directed at her, because the writers obviously had little understanding of Vulcans. The articles were dripping with prejudice.

She began to wonder if maybe their relationship being public wasn't as bad as she had originally thought. Although their privacy had been intruded upon, at least they did not have to sneak around. They could go out together, have lunch in his office...

Sometimes, it was tempting to shut his office door and make out with him right there in his chair. She knew he would never allow it, of course, but it was a fantasy of hers. Sitting on his lap, arms around him...lips meeting feverishly...

Amanda shivered at the thought, warmth spreading throughout her body. It had been a week since she last kissed him. She was not sure if she would be able to contain herself when they finally did so again.

It was finally Saturday. Sarah stopped by early in the day to drop off her birthday present- a bottle of Risian perfume that had an exotic floral scent. She was not usually one to wear perfume, but the aroma intrigued her. She wondered if Sarek would like it...

He was to pick her up at their usual time- 1900 hours. She showered and put on one of the few dresses she owned- this time the black one. She left her hair down- because she knew that was how Sarek liked it- and after a minimal brushing of makeup, she was ready.

They went through their usual routine- he picked her up, they went out to a very pleasant dinner at a discrete but nice restaurant, and afterward, he took her to an orchestral performance. Somehow, he always knew exactly where to take her- she had always loved instrumental music. She enjoyed it immensely, and when there was no one looking, she had slipped her hand into his. Surprisingly, he had allowed it. She wondered if he was every bit as starved for physical contact as she was- despite it being un-Vulcan of him.

But the best part of their dates was always when he took her back to her apartment. When they entered, she kicked off her shoes and sat on the couch, beckoning him over. He sat beside her, and in no time at all she was nestled up against his body. Yes, this was definitely her favorite part- being allowed to snuggle up to him and kiss for as long as they wished, uninterrupted. These were the only times when he truly let his guard down- at least _some_, anyway.

She giggled- yes, actually _giggled_, as much as she was loathe to admit it- when he buried his face in her neck, inhaling.

"I have detected this pleasant aroma all evening. What is it?" he asked. She raised a hand to run her fingers through his hair.

"A Risian perfume Sarah gave me for my birthday." Amanda replied, eyes closed as she felt him kiss a delicate patch of skin that pulsed with every heartbeat.

"Your birthday." he repeated, and pulled away to look at her.

"Yes, it was today."

"You did not inform me." he said, tilting his head. "Why not?"

"I know Vulcans don't celebrate birthdays." she said with a shrug.

"Yet humans do." he replied, brows furrowed slightly. "In my research, I have found that humans are given annual gifts on this day to celebrate becoming one year older."

"Ye-e-es." she drew the word out. "Are you saying you would have gotten me a gift?"

"I thought I made it clear that I am attempting to follow some human customs." Sarek said, and he drew away from her. She had a feeling that she had somehow upset him, and she sat up straighter on the sofa.

"I just didn't think you would want to celebrate something as illogical as that." she said, and reached out to take one of his hands. She kissed his palm, and then placed it against his cheek.

"I have stated my intention to accommodate your human heritage in this relationship, as well as mine. I would have observed this day if I had known."

"You took me out to dinner, and to a musical performance. That's enough." she said, and moved closer to him once again.

"That is no different than numerous other social interactions I have shared with you."

"True, but this is the first one since the whole breakup-thing. And I have barely seen you since then, which makes it even more special." she said, tucking her head under his chin. He did not say anything for several seconds.

"And how many birthdays have you observed?"

"What a strange way to ask how old I am." she said with a smirk. "I turned twenty-three today. I'm ridiculously young compared to you. _Sixty-four_. I still can't comprehend that."

"As I have said before- and I will repeat this, because I am aware that human memory capacity is poor- by Vulcan standards, I am young."

"Hey." she said, and pushed playfully at his shoulder. "No insults."

"It was not an insult- merely an observation." he replied. She pulled back to look at him.

"I'm sure. Maybe I should start calling you human and see how you like it." she teased. His eyebrows rose.

"I believe I did institute a system of reproach for such unfair accusations." he replied, and leaned slightly closer to her- lips not quite touching, but close. She closed her eyes in anticipation, knowing what was coming.

"You're behaving like a _human_ just by holding me like this." she said, and he leaned forward the rest of the way- his hot breath mingling with hers before there was no space left between them at all. She wrapped her arms around his neck, pressing herself closer to him. She was right- she couldn't restrain herself once their lips met.

The kiss was hungry- lips waging war on each other, Amanda sucking gently on his lower lip before nipping at it- he tangling his fingers in her hair as if to make sure she did not pull away. Then their tongues were fighting for dominance, and the burning arousal was searing through her. Her breath was ragged, but she did not even think to stop for air. This was heaven in its bliss but hell with the fire in her body.

There was only one thing missing from their 'perfect' relationship- and that was the sexual aspect of it. Amanda was a flesh and blood woman who had needs, and although she could not be called 'experienced' she was not a virgin. And this constant non-fulfillment was agony. That was what drove her to do what she did next. She moved one hand down, down...and found what she sought. She was satisfied to find that he was partially hardened. As soon as she touched him, however, he broke away- and not only did he break away, he moved away from her until they were no longer touching.

"What are you attempting to do, Amanda?" he asked, his tone harsher than normal. She wondered if he was angry.

"I..." Amanda wasn't sure how to answer that question. Her breath was still ragged, and the haze had not cleared from her mind. "I was...trying to arouse you."

"For what purpose?" he asked in a tone that was almost a snap. She drew away from him too- they were now on opposite ends of the couch.

"What do you _think_?" she asked. She was now embarrassed- no, she was _mortified_.

"I can only assume that you were trying to seduce me." he replied. She bit her lip and looked away.

"Is there a problem with that?" she asked.

"Yes, there is. Vulcans do not participate in sexual acts unless it is necessary."

"You mean for...procreation?"

"Yes." he replied, still staring at her.

"But you obviously _can_, judging from what I just felt." she snapped.

"That was...a momentary lapse of physical control. Your tone is unnecessarily hostile."

"Well, damn it, Sarek! You've been getting me all..._hot and bothered_...for months, and then just leaving me that way! Unlike you, I can't meditate it away, and I don't have the control over my body that you obviously do." She crossed her arms over her chest. "Now you're telling me that you won't help _at all_."

"If we bond, I may consent to fulfilling your desires on occasion, out of duty to you as your bond mate. But I refuse to participate in such acts merely for physical pleasure while we are not bonded. There is no logic in it."

Amanda took a shaky breath- trying to contain her sexual frustration as well as her current anger. She still ached for him, which infuriated her more than anything.

"Humans have physical needs, Sarek." she replied. "You can't keep kissing me like that without any form of gratification. It's unfair to me. I thought you said you were trying to accommodate my culture?"

"This is one aspect of it I cannot accommodate." Sarek replied flatly. Amanda groaned as she rubbed at her face with her palms. She slid down the arm of the sofa until she lay on her back, her head resting on the armrest, looking up at the ceiling.

"I'm sorry." she said, and closed her eyes. "I shouldn't have done that- I should've known that was beyond your comfort level."

Neither of them spoke for nearly a full minute. Amanda was trying to rein in her arousal, as well as her humiliation. She did not open her eyes, even when she heard a rustling sound, and felt a weight on the cushions she was laying on. When she did open them, it was to find that Sarek was lying beside her- he was on his side with his back against the back of the couch. He placed one arm around her waist.

"Amanda..." he definitely hesitated now. She looked up into his eyes and patiently waited for him to speak. She almost jumped in surprise when his hand slid down to rest on her hip- he generally kept his hands on her waist. "There are...ways for me to gratify you without compromising my beliefs."

Was he suggesting what she _thought _he was suggesting?

"What ways?" she asked breathlessly, not looking away from him- even when his hand slid lower, now on her thigh.

"Do I have your permission?" he asked in a low voice. She nodded mutely. Was she imagining this?

His eyes did not move from hers, even as he began to slowly inch the skirt of her dress up higher. Now...his hand was caressing the sensitive skin of her inner thighs- leaving behind trails of heat wherever it touched. She bit her bottom lip and swallowed as his fingers inched higher- she was on fire again, her breathing irregular. She shifted her hips slightly, impatiently- but he refused to give in to her demands. It was almost too much to bear, and he was taking so _long._..

Finally...he touched her where she wanted him. It was only through her panties, true- but that was more than enough. She hissed in approval as he began to slowly, gently, _methodically_ stroke her- it was_ too _slow, _too _gentle.

She felt hot all over, and her chest was now heaving. She attempted to move her hips again to speed his movements- but he only stopped when she did so, making it plain that he would go at his own pace. She threw a glare up at him- he had still not looked away from her. And she realized what he was doing...he was cataloging her responses, memorizing them- learning what pleased her. The realization knocked the breath out of her and her desire magnified tenfold. A low moan escaped her, and she buried her face against his chest.

The hand that was not occupied between her legs moved up to caress her cheek. She felt lips on her neck, and then.._.teeth_? Was he _biting_ her? She gasped as she felt him do just that, on her collarbone- but the pain somehow added to her pleasure, and she gripped his arm. Heeding her silent plea, his hand moved faster, harder- bringing her closer to the edge. She was gasping for breath now, her skin hot and flushed. He had leaned back again, and was observing her- but her eyes were shut tight, her lips slightly parted. She was so close, so close...the knot in her lower belly was tightening, about to burst...

Suddenly, it hit her, and her back arched off the sofa- a cry escaped her lips as waves of ecstasy crashed over her. She may have called his name, but she was not sure...she was only aware of the tingling in her entire body, and the stars exploding behind her closed eyelids.

When she finally became aware of her surroundings again, he was smoothing her dress back down over her thighs- as if nothing out of the ordinary had just occurred. Her respiration and heart rate was evening out- the only evidence of the previous activities were her flushed cheeks and a musky scent on the air.

Wordlessly, she looked up at him- not sure what to say now. He calmly looked down at her.

"I believe the correct phrase is," he said quietly- and was that a _smirk_ tugging at the corners of his mouth? "Happy birthday."

**A/N: Hee hee...**


	24. Bite Marks and Surprises

**A/N: Another artist has drawn some fan art for this story, but FF is being even more of a pain in the ass than usual and won't let me copy and paste even the doctored link. So you'll have to go to deviantart and look up The Vulcan's Wife by firithnovwen. Thanks, firithnovwen!**

**Also...FF is really pissing me off today. I'm sorry if your inbox gets cluttered by story alerts for this chapter, because FF is having problems AGAIN (WTF else is new, right? If it's not one thing, it's another...) and this chapter wouldn't show up, so I had to retry every once in a while.**

**As you can tell, I am really agitated. But don't let that deter you from enjoying the chapter...  
**

**Chapter 24: Bite Marks and Surprises**

"You're in a suspiciously good mood." Sarah remarked as Amanda sat across from her in the diner. They had agreed to meet there for lunch on Sunday afternoon for a post-birthday celebration.

"I had a good night's sleep." Amanda replied as she set her bag down on the chair beside her.

"Uh-huh." Sarah said, still looking at her disbelievingly. "Sure."

"What?" Amanda asked innocently as she picked up the menu before her.

"A few weeks ago you were practically brain-dead when we met up. Then there was that article two weeks ago yesterday, which explains the brain-deadedness. Now, you're fine again."

"Deadedness isn't a word." Amanda replied absently. "Do they have cheeseburgers here? I've been dying for one all day."

"You're evading. You two are back together, aren't you?" she accused.

"Who do you mean?" Amanda asked, still staring intently at her menu. Sarah reached out and snatched it away.

"Don't play dumb. You and the ambassador." she said as she glared.

"What if we are?" she asked, grabbing the menu back to peruse it once more.

"He broke your heart and you're just going to take him back?"

"You have no idea what happened between us." Amanda replied, slamming the menu down onto the table in irritation.

"Yeah...because you refused to talk to me about it. I waited for you to open up, but you never did. I didn't push it, because I knew you would tell me in your own time."

"Well, it's over now. Sarek and I are fine." she said.

"_Fine_?" Sarah asked, her voice rising slightly. "I read that article. You're going to be his _possession_? You're going to let him _control _you?"

"It's not like that!" Amanda hissed. "That article was a load of bullshit!"

That wasn't exactly true, but she didn't want the only person besides Sarek that she was close to, to disapprove of their relationship. In truth, the article _had_ touched on a few things that were a problem for them. But she was confident that they would work them out as the issues came up.

"I dare you to deny that his 'logic' is a problem." Sarah said, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms over her chest.

"I don't deny it- but we're working on it!" Amanda snapped. "Will you stop being so protective?_ I'm _the older sister here, not you."

"By two years." Sarah scoffed. "And since Mom and Dad aren't here, I figured I would step in for them to make sure you're not fucking up."

"I'm happy, and that's all you need to know." Amanda retorted. "And don't even try to pull the 'Mom and Dad' card. Dad wouldn't like it no matter _who_ I'm with, and Mom would accept it- like you should, instead of trying to find fault with my decisions."

_Family_, Amanda thought contemptuously to herself as a waitress approached to take their orders. _Whether Vulcan or human, they try to interfere. _

"The fact is," Sarah said, leaning closer as the waitress left again. "He hurt you once. Who's to say he won't do it again?"

"He won't." Amanda replied, hoping she was right. "Can you please just leave it alone? And be _happy _for me?"

Sarah hesitated before replying.

"Fine. But if he hurts you again, I'm going to kick his ass."

Amanda's lips twitched as she struggled to remain serious.

"I highly doubt you could take him." she said. "Vulcans are a lot stronger than humans."

"I could still take him." she insisted. Amanda's eyebrows rose. She had just told her it would be impossible, and she was arguing? A feeling crept up within her, and she could only think of one way to sum it up: _Illogical_.

Amanda blinked. _That_ was strange. Perhaps she had been around Sarek too much...

"And that's another thing- he could accidentally hurt you _physically _while you two are-"

"Drop it!" Amanda said, knowing that if Sarah used the words 'banging' or 'fucking' she might have an aneurysm. Sarah fell silent, and the two sisters eyed each other.

"If you really think it'll work out, I won't say another word." Sarah finally said. "I'm just worried that you don't realize what you're getting into."

"I do, and it_ will_ work out." Amanda replied, once more hoping that she was right. The waitress was coming back with their orders. The table was silent as they began to eat. She thought about Sarah's words...

She _did_ know what she was getting into...right?

She moved her arm to reach for her glass, and as she did, the fabric of her shirt tightened against her clavicle- it burned where Sarek had bitten her the night before. She had not asked him about that- she had been too distracted- but it did make her realize that there may be things about Vulcans that she was unaware of. She would have to ask him about his biting habit, the next chance she got.

She needed to know if there was anything _else_ she ought to know.

* * *

Sarek was working on a rather important treatise on Vulcan/Human diplomatic interaction when he heard familiar footsteps in the hallway. Deciding that he could spare a few short minutes, he set aside his PADD and stylus as Amanda appeared in the doorway.

The last time he had seen her, she had been half-asleep in his arms, basking in what she termed an 'after-glow' although he was unsure what that meant. He had carried her into her bedroom and placed her on the bed- she had barely been awake by that time, and likely did not even remember when he had tucked a stray tress of hair behind her ear and kissed her forehead. It had been an illogical action, but not even she knew of it...and he had desired to stay with her, perhaps lay beside her on the bed to watch her sleep. She had looked so peaceful, so lovely...but instead, he had taken his leave. Knowing that someday...someday he could act upon such an impulse.

She handed him a stack of static readouts, but did not leave. She stood looking at him until he met her gaze.

"Is there something you require?" he asked. She raised a hand and pulled down the top of her dark-red sweater to expose one milky-white clavicle, revealing the neat, raw bite mark he had left on her two days before. Upon seeing it, he felt deep contentment. He had marked her as his, and with that thought, he nearly let out what could only be called a 'purr'. "What of it?" he asked, his eyes darting back up to meet hers.

"I want to know why you did that." she said and then, to his disappointment, she covered the mark back up.

"It is..." he paused to collect his thoughts. "An ancient Vulcan instinct. I found it more difficult to control than I anticipated."

He had never had such a strong instinct to bite T'Nik. But then again...he had not experienced emotions for her. Perhaps the deeper the emotional involvement with his mate, the stronger the urge?

"That much is obvious." she scoffed. He was unsure if she was truly as irritated as she seemed- he was not receiving it over the link.

"Does this upset you?" he asked.

"It would've been nice to have some _warning_, that's all." she said. "Am I to expect that in the future?"

"There is a high probability of it occurring again." Sarek allowed.

"Well...are there any _other_ kinks I should know about?" she now asked, folding her arms.

"Kinks?" he asked, raising his eyebrows. The corners of her mouth twitched, as if she were trying not to smile.

"You know...fetishes? Like...feet fetishes, whipping, handcuffs...just weird sexual things like that?"

Sarek stared at her, trying to comprehend her latest illogical question.

"Not that I am aware of." he finally responded. But this _did_ make him think of their activities...he felt blood rise within him, tinging the tips of his ears green, and a flush momentarily heating up his cheeks...how odd. That must have been _her_ reaction, not his.

"Is there anything _else _I should know about, related or unrelated to biting or fetishes?" she asked.

Sarek looked at her, thinking. Yes, there were many things he must inform her of...

"You do not possess much knowledge about my culture. I should teach you, as you may require the knowledge in the future." he said.

"Well, I already know that you're logical, you bite, and you don't believe in premarital sex. Now that those issues are out of the way, what else do I need to know that's important?"

Plenty, he thought. She was still ignorant about Pon Farr- but that could wait, as it was still a little over a year away. She did not fully understand the marking instinct and what it represented...and she did not know about the bond between their minds...

He decided that the information she currently held was sufficient for the moment. Logic had been addressed long ago, and she now knew to expect marking. As for sex...he simply saw no point to it. No Vulcan of logic engaged in such behavior unless they were in their Time and had no choice, or for procreation- whether they were bonded or not. Any desire they may feel at other times could easily be meditated away- leaving no need for copulation. He would be willing to engage in carnal acts with her once they were officially bonded, but only because, as her husband, it was his charge to satisfy her in every way possible. He was truly regretful that she found issue with this, as it was the one area he would not relent in. But seeing to _her_ pleasure, however...it was only logical to sate her desires, as she could not control hers like he could his. He had no qualms with what he had done for her Saturday evening- as long as she did not expect more than that form of stimulation from him.

"There is nothing to speak of at this time that is of importance." he replied. "Amanda, as much as it pleases me to see that you are well, I do have a treatise to finish, and I am sure you have duties as well."

"Of course." she said, flashing him a smile before backing toward the door. "I'll see you." she added, her voice softer, eyes sparkling.

When she had gone, he wondered how much longer he could keep the truth of their link from her. It was inevitable that she eventually realize she was experiencing emotions that were not hers, just as he did. He _did_ try to block her, but he could not at all times- the link was so insubstantial that he did not always know when it was operating. The best way to remedy this would be to have a Vulcan elder bond them...

Was it too soon for him to propose again? Amanda had once stated that Terran couples courted for months or even years before deciding. Yet...had she not also said that marriage was dependent on emotional attachment? They had declared themselves already- did that not mean that they were ready?

He was uncertain...but he did not want to ask her this particular query. He had read that marriage proposals were supposed to be spontaneous- apparently, spontaneity was considered 'romantic', but romance was a term he still struggled with. He still did not know what actions, words, or situations were romantic- even though Amanda had told him more than once that something he did was indeed that. He had never bothered to tell her that it was unintentional, because she seemed content with the idea that he purposefully did or said such things.

If he were to propose again, there were things he must see to first. The acquisition of an appropriate ring, of course- as well as plans to make for such an event. The location must be private, but there must be something special about it, as well, to make it memorable for her...

He turned back to his PADD, deciding that this was something he would think about when his current project was finished.

* * *

He was preparing to leave for the day. He placed his carrying case on the desk and turned to select the PADDs he would take home that evening. He had several projects he must complete, as well as extensive research on a variety of subjects- most of which pertained to Amanda.

He turned from the shelf- and in an uncharacteristically clumsy movement, knocked the carrying case to the floor. The PADDs within it clattered onto the tiles noisily, the sound magnified to his sensitive hearing to a point where he nearly winced.

A strong surge of irritation filled him as he surveyed the mess before him, as irrational as it was to be annoyed by his own misjudged movement of limbs. He knelt down to gather the PADDs together once more, centering himself as he did so.

He was preparing to leave his office ten minutes later when he heard hurried footsteps...and he also felt anxiety that was not his. He waited for Amanda to appear in his doorway, and once she had, she slammed her palm onto the button that closed the door.

"Amanda?" he questioned. Her brown eyes were wide, her face paler than usual. She was wringing her hands as she came closer.

"I just messed up. Bad." she said.

"If you do not elucidate, I cannot understand what you are speaking of." he pointed out. She took a deep breath.

"I don't know what happened. I was in the director's office a few minutes ago- he was asking me to take something to someone, and all the sudden I was just so...so..." she struggled to find the correct word.

"Annoyed." Sarek supplied, as he felt dread creeping over him.

"Yes! Annoyed! I have no idea what was wrong with me. He hadn't really said anything to annoy me, even though my shift was over and it was time for me to leave when he stopped me...and I just _snapped_ at him, and told him to do it himself! He threatened my job. Oh, God, I can't believe that happened..."

"What do you require me to do?" he asked, lowering his hands from where they had been clasped behind his back to his sides.

"Nothing, Sarek. I just...I needed to tell someone. It's my fault...you can't do anything about it, and I wouldn't expect you to." she sighed. "I don't know what's going on. Sometimes, I just feel so _strange_...irrational, even. Like I've been having mood swings. I'm fine one minute, then the next I'm frustrated, or sad, or whatever else."

He did not even bother to ask her to clarify on the meaning of 'mood swings'. He was well aware of what the issue was.

"Did the director say for certain that you would be released?" he asked.

"No." she said. "I can only hope he gives me another chance. Maybe you should teach me that 'centering' trick of yours."

"Amanda...this was not your fault." Sarek said. She looked up at him, startled.

"What do you mean? I'm responsible for my own actions. I shouldn't have-"

"There is something I must tell you. I should have told you before, yet I wished to wait." Sarek interrupted. She blinked several times in confusion before speaking again.

"_What_?" she asked. Sarek looked at her a moment, feeling guilty that he had not told her before- and that his own momentary lapse of control may have resulted in her dismissal.

"I will take you home, and tell you on the way there." he said quietly.

"What if someone sees us?" she asked doubtfully.

"That is not of importance at this time." he replied, and picked up his bag. "What I must tell you, is. Will you allow me to provide you with transportation?"

Her eyebrows were drawn together, but she nodded curtly. He headed toward the door- and found that he dreaded the task before him.

* * *

The hover-car was silent. Amanda's arms were folded over her chest, and she was beginning to become impatient. He had not spoken a word since they had gotten into the vehicle. If this was so important, why was he stalling?

"Sarek." she prompted. He glanced at her, then back at the road before them.

"It is my fault that you experienced irritation at that inopportune time." he said. She did not find this to be helpful, at all.

"I don't understand." she said.

"I somehow managed to knock my case off of my desk, scattering my PADDs on the floor. I was irritated at myself." he continued.

"Sarek, you're not making any sense. How would that affect me?" she asked, although she was beginning to suspect...

"I did not tell you why T'Pau is not opposing this match. I _did_ tell you that she performed a meld, however- and during this meld, she made a discovery."

Amanda stared at him, comprehension dawning...but _how_?

"When you first kissed me, you initiated a brief empathic bond, although it was one-sided. I felt your emotions, yet you did not feel mine, because I was blocking them from you. But when this link was established, it appears that my mind found yours to be compatible. I admit, I myself am not entirely certain of how this happened...but through repeated skin contact, a bond has been formed between us. It is not quite a mating bond, which is established between married Vulcans. It is much weaker than that. But because of this, I was unable to bond with T'Para. My mind would have rejected her presence, because my brain believes I have already found my mate- you."

Amanda absorbed this information for several silent seconds, then she wet her lips to prepare to speak.

"So you're saying that because of me, you could not bond with this T'Para. So T'Pau had no choice but to allow you to reject her. So what does that make me...your _spare_?" as much as she tried, she couldn't keep the indignation out of her tone.

"No." he replied flatly. "I had already made my decision to reject the bonding before T'Pau found the link. You were my first choice."

"Then why didn't you tell me this _weeks_ ago? When you first got back?" she asked angrily.

"I attempted to, but you chose that time to express your own concerns. After that, I reflected upon it, and decided that it would be best to wait." he did not take his eyes off the road. They were now turning onto her street.

"Wait for what- hell to freeze over?" she asked, eyes flashing.

"Not only is that statement contradictory, but as there is no 'hell'-"

"Answer the question!" she snapped. He fell silent for a moment.

"I was concerned that the knowledge that I cannot bond with anyone else would pressure you into bonding with me. I would prefer that your decision not be coerced."

Neither of them spoke as he cruised to a stop before her apartment. When he moved to open his door, she stopped him.

"I don't need you to walk me to the door _every_ time." she said, still angry. He stopped, and moved his hands to rest them in his lap, staring straight ahead. For the first time, she felt something that she knew was not hers...sadness, which mingled with the regret she was already feeling for being so harsh. She just _couldn't _stay mad at him for long, even if she wanted to. He had had a perfectly logical reason for not telling her. She sighed, and moved closer to him, laying a hand on his arm.

"I understand. It's just...strange, to find out that I have a link with you at all times- and I didn't even know it."

"I apologize for my lack of control earlier. If I had told you beforehand, you may have been prepared for just such an eventuality. I am having difficulties blocking this link."

"I don't blame you." she said. "But the fact is, you could have told me today, when I asked if there was anything else you needed to tell me that's important. _This_ counts as important, Sarek. I want to trust you, but you're making it hard for me to. If you can hide something like this, how do I know there aren't other things you're keeping from me?"

He did not reply to that, which confirmed her fears- there _were_ other things he was hiding. She sighed, and rested her forehead against his shoulder.

"Sarek..." she trailed off, unsure of what to say. She was not feeling anything from him any more- or maybe he was just as sad as she was. She lifted her head, and leaned forward to press a kiss against his mouth. "I guess I'll have to get used to secrets, then." she said sadly, and pulled away- knowing that she was going to find it difficult to trust him after this, but forgiving him- for the time being.

"Amanda..." he looked over at her. "I am trying to the best of my abilities to-"

He broke off, looking at something beyond her. Suddenly, there was a burst of anger and indignation within her, and she twisted around in her seat to see what he was looking at.

Not even twenty feet away from them was a paparazzo. He had apparently followed them in his own hover-car, and was parked in the lot in front of a seedy-looking shop. He was standing outside it, holding a camera before him. Amanda glared in his direction, and was not aware of Sarek until she heard his door slam shut, and the paparazzo made a dive for his hover-car.

"Sarek!' she called, and fumbled with the latch on her door for a moment before climbing out after him. He was swiftly making his way toward the man- who was attempting to get into his vehicle. Sarek, however, got there first.

When Amanda reached them, it was in time to see Sarek take the tiny silver camera from the man's hands- he was cowering in the front seat of his hover-car. Sarek turned and flung the camera at the brick wall of the shop- where it shattered into pieces of plastic and filament.

"_Sarek_!" she said. The paparazzo looked scared as he started the hover-car and drove past her with a gust of wind, her hair flying about her face. She shoved it behind her ears and turned to him. "What the hell?" she asked. He turned to look at the glittering fragments that now littered the asphalt.

"He now knows that we are together. He also knows where you live. Perhaps he will not return now." he said, and looked back at her. "He may have had photographs that would not only be detrimental to me, but to you, as well."

She nodded, and looked around her helplessly. "Looks like we're exposed again."

"At this moment the media will only have his word. Evidence will soon follow." he replied quietly. "You should go inside, Amanda."

"Only if you come inside with me. At least for a couple minutes." she replied. He gazed at her, and she felt his relief. It was strange, feeling what he was feeling- even if it was only distant echoes, and fading in and out like a badly-tuned antique radio. Now that she knew about this bond, she could separate their emotions with some concentration.

"I am agreeable to that." he replied, and began to lead her across the street, toward her apartment. She followed behind- wondering if this day could possibly turn out any worse. She hoped not, as she caught up to him, slipping her hand into his once they were out of view of the otherwise-deserted street.

As they went inside, though...she wondered if Sarah had been right. Maybe she really _didn't_ know what she was getting into.


	25. Trust and Lust

**Chapter 25: Trust and Lust**

Neither of them had spoken since entering the apartment. They were seated on the sofa- as always- but other than their knees and shoulders touching lightly, she had not moved any closer to him. Her hands were folded in her lap, and both of them stared straight ahead.

Tension was thick in the air...it reminded her of the day when they had met up in the lift shortly after he announced his intentions of leaving for Vulcan. She sighed...she had to say something, even if it would hurt him.

"Sarek...to resume our conversation from earlier...you need to remember that there are two people in this relationship. You can't make every decision by yourself. And that includes the decision to keep things from me. I don't keep secrets from _you_."

"Amanda, I am not sure what information you seek. There are aspects of my culture that Vulcans do not speak of to outsiders." Sarek replied, finally looking at her.

"Outsiders?" Amanda drew away from him slightly, hurt. His brows drew together.

"I did not mean..." he stopped. "Amanda, I will answer any questions you may have."

"First of all...how am I an outsider to you?" she asked, folding her arms as she always did when upset.

"You are not. I misspoke." Sarek replied. "Amanda, when you become my wife-"

He stopped short, and she could have sworn she saw him flush green for a split second.

"_If_ you become my wife." he amended. "It will be as if...you are becoming Vulcan. I do not mean that you would follow the ways of Surak, but according to my people you would nevertheless become a member of my clan. Therefore...you would not be an outsider. Even now, I do not consider you to be one. That is why I am willing to answer your queries."

"_Any_ of them?" she asked. He hesitated, and she sighed, moving fully away from him. Their stance was now similar to what it had been two nights before- except this time, she didn't think there would be any fun after their argument. "This relationship needs more work than I originally thought." she muttered.

He did not reply, and she chewed on her lip for a moment.

"Sarek, you need to work with me. Help me to understand you a little more. I'll start with something simple...this biting thing. Why do Vulcans do it?"

He looked at her, his eyes wandering to the area where he had bitten her.

"It is a way to mark one's mate- to show that they are taken. A claim, if you will." he replied. Her eyebrows shot up.

"So Vulcans _do_ see women as possessions." she stated coolly. She wasn't sure if she liked _that_- at all.

"It is...complicated." he replied. "Vulcans are intensely monogamous. We mate for life. Marking is simply a way to show that our mate is taken. I consider you to be mine- yet, I also consider myself to be yours."

"So you would be fine with it if _I _bit _you_?" she asked.

"That would be desirable." he said thoughtfully. "Perhaps you should try to do so."

She stared. That was not the answer she had expected.

"But you _do_ see me as a possession." she stated, deciding to ignore what he had suggested.

"Do you not see me as one?"

"Stop twisting it around!" she said, irritated. "I don't get it- Vulcan is supposed to be a matriarchal society, yet your men see women as property. How does _that_ work?"

"The eldest female members of clans- the matriarch- have much power. They make marriage alliances with other clans- thereby keeping peace between families. They oversee important ceremonies, and give sanction for decisions that are made by younger members. This is only logical, as females are the givers and savers of life."

She didn't know what he meant by 'savers of life' but decided to ignore it at the moment.

"And men?"

"Males hold great power, as well. Vulcan is, despite what the marking behavior may indicate, very much an equal society. Perhaps more equal than Terran society."

"But when it comes to family matters, a woman makes the decisions."

"Precisely." he replied. His black eyes were on her- as unreadable as always, although she could feel a tendril of his anxiety.

"Then tell me why_ you_ are in control of this relationship." she said coldly. "If women are so important- why can you be so domineering?"

"I am not intentionally domineering." he replied, straightening, his shoulders tensing. "Do I appear to be so?"

"Yes, you do." Amanda replied. "_You _choose when you think I should be told something- even when it directly concerns me. _You _choose whether or not we go public. _You_ control our dates. You don't give me much room in this- _at all_."

"You have not mentioned these concerns before." he replied.

"That's because I somehow deluded myself into thinking things were fine between us. It was facilitated by the fact that I was so happy when we got back together that I was able to block it out- and then I hardly saw you for two weeks, which further helped my denial. But after learning that we share a link, and in the _way_ I had to- it's made me face reality."

"You are not..." he trailed off, and she felt..._worry_.

"No, I'm not ending this again." she said, and stood so that she was in front of him, looking down into his dark eyes. "I'm just pointing out that we have work to do, and it can't wait much longer. We're already up against incredible odds- namely, the fact that we are from different species. We don't need more added to that. It's bad enough that we have to worry about paparazzi and the Vulcan High Council. We don't need secrecy, too." she paused, and then reached out to run her fingers through his fine, black hair, brushing lightly against the tips of his ears as she did so.

"Sarek, I need you to give me_ all_ the facts. If we are going to consider marriage as a future possibility, I want to know _exactly_ what I'm up against, and now- so I can make a fully-informed decision when the time comes."

Her hand slid down to cup his jaw. He took a breath.

"You will face many challenges. To be a human and a Vulcan's wife will not be simple. Especially if you relocate to Vulcan with me. Your lifestyle would have to change- you would have to make more accommodations to Vulcan culture than is required of you now. You may face prejudice against your weaker race- as logical as Vulcans are, there _is_ still prejudice. I would, however, attempt to shield you from criticism. There is..." he hesitated, his eyes sliding away from hers. "You will likely discover things about Vulcans that you will find disturbing. There is also the issue of procreation...due to biological differences, we would be unable to conceive a child."

She froze at that last one, and withdrew her hand from him.

"You never told me that before." she said, her voice as devoid of inflection as his.

"I thought it was quite apparent, with our physiological structures." Sarek said, blinking as he leaned back against the sofa, away from her.

"I didn't even consider it." she said stonily. "Sarek...I _do_ want children someday."

"So this is a serious issue for you." he said plainly.

"Yes, it is." Amanda's heart sank. Everything else he had said she would have been able to cope with, out of love for him...but she loved children. She had wanted to have some of her own. Could she really marry someone she couldn't have children with...?

She turned and sank heavily down onto the sofa again. If there was anything that would make her _not_ want to bond with him- this was it.

"Sarek, I..." she sighed, and leaned forward, her elbows on her knees, head in her hands. She felt his weight shift- and then a warm, hesitant hand on her shoulder. Even now, he was sometimes still reluctant about physical contact. She knew he was just unsure- he never knew when she wanted him to touch her. She leaned into the touch, resting her head against his chest.

"There may be an available procedure to assist in the conception of a child, but it cannot be done by natural means." he said, his chest vibrating and rumbling against her cheek as he spoke.

"You mean like...in-vitro fertilization?" she asked sadly.

"Yes. It would require genetic tampering, but it is feasible."

Amanda contemplated this. She had always imagined herself conceiving, carrying, and giving birth to a baby naturally- in an uncomplicated nine-month process, full of joy. But this sounded so much more difficult...could she go through all of that? She reached around to take his arm and place it around her.

"You really think that's possible?"

"Allowing some room for doubt- I am very nearly certain." he replied. "Has this assuaged your fears?"

"Yes, I suppose..." she said. Having a baby through in-vitro was better than not having one at all..."But this doesn't mean all of our issues are resolved, Sarek. There is still the problem with your controlling this relationship. You said the other night that you don't want to force me into submission- but in some ways, I think you do. You don't ever even ask my opinion- you just _tell_ me how it's going to be, with an 'is that agreeable?' thrown in there that you don't really mean."

"I had not realized that this bothered you."

"Well, it does!" she snapped. She caught herself, and took a calming breath. "Sorry." she muttered.

"I will attempt to avoid doing so in the future. Please inform me if you are displeased with my actions, Amanda. If you do not, I cannot correct them." he replied.

She did not speak right away. She raised a hand and again caressed one of his cheeks.

"You really are trying with this, aren't you?" she asked softly. "This is good. You're making compromises."

"This was not evident to you before?" he asked.

"It was...but right now, I'm realizing it even more. You're doing the best you can. I love you for that."

"You have already stated your level of emotional attachment. I do not understand why you are doing so again." he seemed genuinely confused, and she smiled- her previous irritation melting away. She had gotten her biggest concerns out to him, and she knew he would consider each and every one of them with the utmost gravity. She had done her part- now he must do his. She would wait patiently, and for now, she could indulge in her more tender feelings rather than the dark ones that still lurked under the surface.

"It's perfectly acceptable to repeat how much I love you. It's not a one-time thing."

He stiffened, and she laughed- knowing that he was alarmed, and why.

"I didn't say that _you _had to repeat it. I understand that it's difficult for you to." she said, wrapping her arms around his neck and draping her legs over his lap. He moved to accommodate her movements, bracing her back with one arm and placing his other hand on her hip to steady her.

"That is a relief, as I see no logic in repeating myself." he said.

"_Logic_." she rolled her eyes.

"May I remind you that it is due to logic that we are even here? If I had not thought it logical to declare_ koon-ut-so'lik_, we would never have courted."

She tilted her head. "You know, that's true. I guess logic isn't all bad, after all."

"Indeed." he replied. She smiled, and leaned forward to kiss him. When she had pulled away, he moved his hand from her hip, to the collar of her sweater. He pulled it down to reveal the bite mark, and he traced the bruised flesh with one finger. Then...he made a sound she had never heard before...he _purred_.

"_Sarek_?" she laughed as he leaned forward to run his tongue over the tender skin. "What is _that _about?"

"I am sure you know that- unlike humans, who derive from apes- Vulcans evolved from felines. There are certain characteristics we still have that may seem 'feline'."

"Like _purring_?" she snickered. He pulled away from her, and she missed his hot breath against her clavicle.

"I would not term it that, but it is very similar."

"I like that sound. Do it again." she said, smirking. He leaned forward again- this time aiming for the other clavicle. He began to make that strange purring sound, which was somehow indescribably sexy to her- as he bit down once more.

She gasped, and arched her back- but not only in pain. She moaned as a fire began to kindle in her lower belly. She had no idea how she could find this pleasurable- but it somehow was.

Then it dawned on her...that was not- at least not entirely- _her_ arousal. As he now licked and nipped around the fresh wound, she leaned forward, tugging at the high collar of his tunic- until she had access to the space between his neck and shoulder. She wanted to know what reaction he would have to _this_.

Her teeth sank into his flesh, and he suddenly became very still- the purring became louder, and the arousal intensified, mingling with hers, but _definitely _his.

What was even better...was that there was a physical manifestation of that arousal now, as well. And he was not attempting to quell it- or perhaps he could not.

Triumphant, and also determined, she bit again, and his breathing was no longer _quite _as normal. Amazed that he could be so turned on by this- she bit yet again, groaning against his skin as they both began to burn with need.

She had wanted to arouse him...she had wanted to know if it was possible- if he was as physically attracted to her as she was to him. She now had her answer as he pulled her roughly away from him, so he could kiss her- lips, and tongue, and teeth clashing in their desperation. They held onto one another tightly- until he pulled away long enough to bite her again, this time higher up on her neck, just below her jaw.

She let out another throaty groan, pressing herself closer to him.

"Sarek...I need to know that you _want _me." she said. "Even if you don't take me- I need to know."

"I have always wanted you." he replied.

"I mean- do you want my _body_." she stammered as he suckled on the part of her neck that pulsed with every wild hammering of her heart.

"I do not find it logical to answer a question I have already answered- especially if it was not even five seconds before." he growled, gripping her arms even tighter. She closed her eyes, basking in this knowledge...he _did _want her...

She knew something within him had fallen away- when she had bitten him, it had triggered something within. Something primal, something ancient...something she had been looking for in him: Lust. And it was clouding his thoughts.

Their lips met again- arousal, desire, heat, fire, whatever you wanted to call it- was encompassing them. She had never seen this from him before, as he was roughly kissing her. Some part of her was even afraid...but that part was very, very small.

Suddenly- she was weightless. He had lifted her up, into his arms- she had time to note that he was taking her to the bedroom before his hot lips were on hers again, insistent, _persistent_. She was breathing hard now- aching for him. Her arms tightened around him, and he whispered something in Vulcan, but she was not sure what- before he slammed the old-fashioned swing door shut behind them, and threw her onto the bed.

* * *

Darkness was falling outside. Sarek stared out of the window as he sat on the bed with his back against the headboard. Amanda slept beside him...she had fallen asleep half an hour before. Now would be the best time for him to leave.

He slid quietly out of her arms, and moved to the edge of the bed. He stood and began to gather the clothing scattered around the room. He was fastening his pants when she began to stir. He dreaded her awakening...he had hoped she would remain asleep until he left, so he would not have to explain his reasons.

"Sarek?" she asked groggily. He looked over at her, and saw that she was smiling sleepily at him. "Where are you going?"

He did not answer such an illogical question. It was obvious that he intended to leave, and go to his own residence. He retrieved his tunic and began to put it on.

"Do not expect this to happen again, Amanda." he replied flatly.

"What?" she asked- not as if she did not understand, but in disbelief. He heard the sheets rustle as she sat up.

"This was a mistake." he replied. He was disgusted with himself- at his lack of control in this situation. The fact that they were not bonded did not matter to him- what _did_ matter, was the fact that his own desire, his own _body_, had influenced his actions, not his brain. Just earlier that day, he had maintained his resolve to not engage in copulation with her- and he had already gone against that. He was not only disgusted, he was angry at himself. He had been weak. "This should not have occurred." he said as he sat on the edge of the bed to put on his boots.

"You...you're disgusted." she said weakly, and he felt her move away from him. He understood what her concern was immediately. He hastened to reassure her.

"Not with you." he replied. "You have done nothing wrong."

"I don't understand why you're acting like this." she said, and he glanced at her, to see tears welling up in her eyes.

"I have not acted logically. My desire to take you drove me."

"Does that _matter_?" she asked, covering her nude body with the sheet as she avoided looking at him. He saw that she was covered in bite marks and bruises...he had become rough with her at times, although she had not complained. She had been enjoying herself immensely at the time- but she would regret it later, he knew. He was...ashamed, that he had been the cause of what was sure to be great pain.

"Don't feel ashamed." she snapped. "I enjoyed it, and so did you. The bruises are_ nothing. _And don't give me that 'this shouldn't have happened' crap. It _did_ happen, Sarek. You can't change that."

He did not reply, as he returned to pulling on his boots. Once he was done, he stood.

"This will not happen again." he repeated. She drew her knees against her chest and hugged her legs.

"Sarek...I just wanted you to want me. If I had known biting you would..."

"I repeat: this is not your fault." he said. He looked down at her- her face was turned away from him, and he knew she was both confused and angry from the link, which flickered in the back of his consciousness. He moved to her side of the bed, and sat down, touching her knee. "Amanda, look at me." he murmured. She did so, her eyes sad.

"Was I that bad?" she asked with a weak smile. He realized that this was an attempt at a crude joke. His heart ached, knowing that he was hurting her. He leaned forward, resting his forehead against hers.

"No. Quite the opposite." he replied quietly.

She laughed, but it was devoid of humor- hollow, cynical.

"Then why do I feel so inadequate?"

"You are not." he replied. "I suggest that you not attend your classes tomorrow. You will be in pain. I apologize." he began to draw away.

"_Don't_ apologize." she said, suddenly angry again. She reached out to touch his arm. "Stop hating yourself just because you had _sex_ with me. It's not the end of the world."

"You are missing the main issue here, Amanda. It is not the act itself, but the idea that I lost control and gave in to my own illogical desires."

"So because of that, this will never happen again?" she asked, now indignant.

"I did not say that- but do not expect it throughout the remainder of our courtship." He stood, still looking down at her- trying not to look at the bruises on her hips or arms, or the bite marks on her shoulders. "I will see you at the Embassy on Wednesday, Amanda."

"Wait." she said as he turned to go. He turned back, and she rose to her knees, placing her hands on his face. "Will things be different now? Are you going to treat me differently?" she asked, her brown eyes searching his frantically. He covered her hands with his own.

"I will not, and I do not believe this will change anything." he replied. "It certainly has not changed how I...feel." he still did not like using that word.

"That's good." she seemed relieved- this was the reassurance she had been looking for. "Sarek, I..."

"You should rest." he said, pulling away. He began to turn- and then hesitated. He turned back to her, kissing her tenderly. "Please...put what happened this evening out of your mind, Amanda." he said, his lips against her cheek, his hot breath gusting over her skin.

Her brow furrowed- and he allowed himself to stroke one smooth cheek with two fingers before pulling away one last time. He went to the bedroom door, and left without another glance. He had heavy meditation he must complete, after the events of that day.

Amanda stared after him until she heard the front door close. She bit her lip, fighting back tears as she gathered the sheets closer around her, and laid down, shoving her tangled hair out of her face.

She had known, even while he tore her clothes from her, that he had not been in control. She should have stopped him- he was not completely in his right mind, and she felt like she had taken advantage of him. It was her fault- she had bitten him, learned his response, and done it again, to purposefully entice him. True, she had not known the exact reaction he would have, or that it was strong enough to overcome his senses, but she had done it intentionally...

But the sex...oh, God, the sex had been amazing. To look at him at any other time, at how reserved and detached he was, one would not be able to believe that he had such prowess. He had been so gentle at times, yet deliciously rough with her at others- always seeming to know exactly what she wanted and when she wanted it- gripping her hips hard enough to bruise in the heat of the moment. She honestly had not felt any pain during it- and even now, she did not feel the aches she knew would soon arrive.

Did she have regrets? Other than coercing him into it...no, she did not. The ecstasy had been more than worth it. The closeness she had experienced with him- she had never seen him so affectionate, so willing to touch and be touched. If it was possible, she loved him even more after seeing that side of him.

But, it was clear that _he_ had regrets. And even though he had told her otherwise...the fact that he had been so adamant about not making love to her again made her feel as if she had done something wrong. It was...illogical, but she still felt that way. Shouldn't he at least _want _to have sex with her again- for _her_ sake, if not for his, after that encounter?

He wanted her to forget about it...but how could she _possibly_ do that? How could she forget how smooth, how powerful his muscles were as she ran her hands over his chest, his back, his buttocks? How could she forget how it felt for him to kiss her without reserve, how could she forget the way his hot body had felt against hers- on her, under her, around her, _in_ her?

She wished she could transport back to the moment when she was falling asleep with her head pillowed on his chest, her arm thrown over his torso...it had been so peaceful, so tender...she had not known that he would soon be telling her that she would not get to experience that serenity again any time soon.

But she _couldn't_ bend time. And the thought that he did not _want _to share that closeness again with her- hurt her more than any logical words he could ever say. He could have _found_ a logical reason to have that experience with her again. She knew it. But he had not even tried. She could only deduce that he had not enjoyed the closeness as much as she had.

Amanda turned onto her stomach, missing the warmth of his body as she buried her face in her pillow. How would she be able to face him again, after what had happened? He had told her things would not change...but she knew better than that. Sex always complicated things. They had seen one another at their most intimate. How could things even _possibly_ remain the same between them?

Amanda heaved a sigh. She didn't know yet...but she would have to try her best. One thing was for sure- she did not want to lose him. She couldn't let her own insistence on having sex with him without considering the ramifications- ruin a good thing.

And despite what he said...this _was _her fault.

**A/N: Okay, folks...after corresponding with a friend, I've decided that it's in both my- and your- best interest to slow down a bit. I don't think I'll continue updating every day- I'm aiming for every other day, but no promises. I want to amp up the quality of my chapters and quite rushing through it- I want to do this story the justice it deserves, because it's not just a romance story, it's supposed to be deeper than that. I can't do that if I'm hurrying to get chapters done every day. **

**Anyway...Rashida, I know you'll have some stuff to say about this chapter ;)**

**If you don't read Rashida's reviews after every chapter...you are seriously missing out on some of the funniest commentary ever!**


	26. Aftershocks

**Chapter 26: Aftershocks**

When the front door slid open, Sarek entered the hall- his dark mood was evident, palpable in the air to those who awaited him. T'Shan and a younger servant stepped forward, but he held up a hand.

"Disallow transmissions. I am not to be disturbed tonight." he said. T'Shan stopped short, observing him. Vulcan women had a keen sense of smell, and he was sure she knew..."T'Shan- I have issued an order." he reminded her, unable to keep a tinge of annoyance out of his tone. She continued to eye him for a moment, before her gaze slid to the floor.

"Yes, _osu_." she said, and turned to leave. Despite her obedience, he knew she disapproved. But at the moment, her disapproval was not his concern.

He moved past the other servants, ignoring their silent stares. He did not care what they thought of him as he mounted the staircase. He had his own self-deprecation to occupy himself with.

When he entered his bedchamber, he ordered the doors to lock, and immediately began to strip off his clothing. He needed to get them off...her intoxicating scent lingered on them, on _him_. It was a distraction. As long as he could smell her, he longed to be with her again. He could not have that.

He stuffed the clothing into the refresher. Now completely naked, he made his way to the bathroom- he must cleanse himself of the last of her essence- her aroma still clung to him. He stepped into the sonic shower and it started. He stood calmly in the center of the sonic chamber as the imperceptible sound waves took away the last of the evidence...

He was calm on the outside, but in the inside- he was full of raging emotion. Regret. Anger. Disgust. Sorrow. These all thundered through his veins, making his fists clench and his heart pound harder. None of it was directed at_ her_, except for regret- he was three times stronger than she, and they were fortunate that bruises were all she had acquired during their encounter. The fact that she had enjoyed every bit of it did not matter- he could have seriously injured her, and if he did that, he would not be able to forgive himself.

If he could not handle _this_- when he had still been in control of his body, aside from his arousal- what about Pon Farr? What if he had overestimated her resilience? Suppose she could not handle the demands he would make of her body at that time?

Unbidden and unwelcome, T'Pau's words returned to him..._Even if she accepts you- there is no guarantee that she will be strong enough to withstand your strength when your inhibitions are gone. You yourself may kill her. This, I leave on your conscience, not on mine...You will eventually regret this, Sarek. You will find that this human cannot meet your needs._

He shuddered, and slammed his fist onto the button that stopped the sonic shower. He was not in total control of himself...he must meditate, if possible. He had not been this emotionally unstable since his last Pon Farr. At least at that time, it was biological, not mental, and not brought on by his own actions.

There had been no logical reason to mate with her. He was not in his Time- and they could not even reproduce naturally. They were not yet fully bonded, so he could not use the excuse of her being his bond mate to vindicate himself. If she were his wife- it would have only been logical to take care of her needs by claiming her in that most intimate way. But...she wasn't. He had taken her body because he _wanted_ to. He _desired_ her- he wanted to fulfill his own pleasure, as well as hers. And he had. And it had been utterly illogical and un-Vulcan. He had done what he had been conditioned all his life to never do- he had acted upon his desires and his basest instincts without a logical reason- or even a second thought.

As for Pon Farr- if it were not too late, he would reconsider her as his mate, for her health and safety. He had been a fool to convince himself without a doubt that she would be able to withstand his strength. Now he could only hope that he had been originally correct in that assumption- because he could not change his decision now. He did not have a choice. He had dragged her into this- and she did not even know how dangerous he would be a year from now. He could have told her that very day, but he had not. And he felt that the longer he waited- the less the chance he had of telling her without damaging their relationship.

Sarek pulled on a loose robe, satisfied that the distracting, albeit pleasant scent was gone from him. He made his way to the meditation mat he kept on the floor before his bed. He would not go to the meditation chamber this evening- he did not even wish to venture through the halls. He required solitude. He must master his body- which was still reeling from the after-effects of his and Amanda's activities. His hormonal levels were imbalanced- affecting his ability to concentrate. He was not accustomed to such disorder, although he supposed that when- _if_, reminded himself, as her decision had not yet been made- they married, he must accustom himself to it.

As he closed his eyes and attempted to center himself, he found that he could not. All he could think of was _her. _He hoped she was not upset with him. It was not her fault. True, she had bitten him- but he had encouraged her to, and neither of them had been prepared for the consequences. Even _he_ had not known it could have such an effect on him.

He should have been able to contain that primitive instinct that had screamed at him to take her. There was no excuse...except for perhaps he had not _wanted_ to contain it. It was not logical, but then again, when it came to her- many of his thoughts and actions were not entirely so.

Sarek raised a hand to his shoulder, feeling the marks she had placed there. He caught himself purring again as he felt the deep, comforting burn of the wounds. Marking, and even purring, were not taboo to Vulcans- that was one aspect of their ancient culture that they had kept, mostly because they could not control it, and because it was logical, in its own way. Both behaviors were related to the mating process- as much as Pon Farr was. He did not regret marking Amanda, nor did he regret her marking him- even if it had resulted in a lapse of control on his part that was not entirely unwelcome, even if reprehensible.

Knowing that he was not even truly attempting to meditate, Sarek lowered his hand from his shoulder and closed his eyes. He took deep breaths, relaxing his body, trying to clear his mind of its flurry of thoughts and emotions...

Only to be met with yet another image of her...laying under him, her skin so soft, so smooth and cool under his touch, her eyes half-hooded with desire as she looked up at him...he remembered the contentment he had felt as he looked upon her countenance, and the feel of her moist coolness surrounding him...

He shuddered once more- this time decidedly _not_ in disgust or fear. This would not do. He could not get her out of his head- memories of the hours before kept coming to him. Part of him- a part that had perhaps been affected by almost-constant association with humans, after all- longed to return to her apartment, to slide into bed beside her, and take her into his arms, no matter how un-Vulcan it was...

But it would not be logical.

He was not ashamed to admit that he had _enjoyed_ the sexual act...or even that he was not averse to repeating it in the future, once they were bonded- as long as he had better control over himself and was able to refrain from excessive biting or forceful handling. But physical pleasure was not the issue here...as he had told Amanda, it was the fact that he had acted illogically- totally against the teachings of Surak. If he had been able to find a logical reason for his actions when he searched for one as he lay beside his sleeping mate, he would not be in his bedchamber- he would be in hers, likely waking her up once she had rested long enough for a repeat performance.

As it were, however, they could not do so again. Not yet. Once she was his wife, he would be able to, and be guilt-free about it- he would be doing it for her, and indirectly for himself. He would not experience the feelings of self-disgust that he had in this situation.

He was calmer now. He had corrected his hormonal imbalances, and his dark emotions had been quieted. Amanda was correct...he could not change what had happened- and upon reflection, perhaps he would not, even if he could- despite his negative reaction afterward.

It was behind him. He had erred in his control and logic, that was true. But there was no lasting harm done. His Amanda would be fine, soon- and she had said his roughness did not bother her. He supposed that if he were to choose a positive outcome of the event, it would be the fact that he had gratified her. He even felt..._pride_...at having pleased her so well, if her vocal responses had been any indication of her approval.

At peace now, he opened his eyes. What mattered at this current time, was that their relationship would return to its prior level. She had asked him for reassurance that their situation would not change, and he had reassured her. He had warned her not to expect such an occurrence again, so he was not concerned about that. She knew not to persist.

He stood from the mat, and checked his internal clock. It had been three hours since his return. He did feel a pang of guilt as he thought of how he had left Amanda. He had been agitated at the time, and in severe need of meditation. He had not handled the situation as delicately as he should have. It was very likely that her feelings were hurt- yet there was nothing he could do about that. And things needed to change...he had not been cautious enough before. He could not allow himself to completely fall to illogic. He could not allow himself to be compromised again...

He must put this situation out of his mind...even though he knew he would think about her often until he saw her again. How could he _not_, after that afternoon? When he had seen her in such a way...held her in his arms and watched her as she fell asleep beside him, no matter how un-Vulcan it had been to do such a thing?

He was wrong...he _did_ regret one thing aside from possibly hurting her.

He regretted not holding her like that longer, while he had the chance. He pushed the tiny, lingering seed of doubt out of his mind and focused his attentions elsewhere.

* * *

Amanda wasn't sure how she managed to get through Tuesday's classes. She was distracted the entire time, staring off at nothing while her professors lectured and she chewed absentmindedly on her stylus. She only took sporadic notes, and then only when a classmate nudged her and brought her out of her reverie.

She was stiff and sore, she had to admit. Sarek had been right about that. There were bruises on her hips, which made walking and sitting painful, although she managed to pull it off, so as not to appear to be in discomfort. There were also bruises on her arms, from when he had pinned them above her head at one point in time. The bites, however, were a different story...he had marked her seemingly everywhere. He had not bitten her overly hard- only enough to bruise or leave slight indentations in her skin, in most cases, although one or two had bled lightly when he accidentally broke the skin. Most of them were on her shoulders, collarbone and neck, although there was also one on each inner thigh...and one on each breast.

She hadn't minded the biting and bruises- she really hadn't. The bruising simply could not be helped- it was not his fault he was so much stronger than she was. And the biting...it was just another part of him that, while difficult to understand and accept at first, she would grow to love- and it wasn't like he hadn't let her reciprocate.

She could even forgive him for trying to sneak out on her, and for telling her they wouldn't make love again until- _unless_, she corrected herself- they bonded. Her first reaction had been to be hurt- she had even blamed it on herself. But now, she understood. She knew he had been at the very edge of his control, and she should have known that he would later regret it. And of course, when he regretted something, he withdrew to meditate.

She often claimed that she understood his logical ways- but really, she still struggled with it. It was still difficult to become accustomed to him. She sometimes needed reminders to put her back in perspective...in this case, it had been when she woke up that morning after a nearly-sleepless night to find that her sheets still held his scent- a clean, natural, _masculine_ scent. What mattered was that he _had_ been there- and he had shared himself with her, even if he would not do so again. She knew he had logical reasons- and she needed to accept that, just like she accepted the rest of him.

Considering how adamant he had been before about not having sex at all, she ought to have known he would tell her not to expect it again. And she _didn't _expect it. She needed to respect his decisions, even if she wasn't enthusiastic about them- she realized that now, after having time to think about it. She was in love with a Vulcan, not a human- she could not expect things to be done in the human way, to human norms. She had expected just that too often, despite promising both him and herself otherwise. And in doing so, she had gotten her hopes up- and promptly let down. That was her own fault. It was often too easy for her to forget who she was dealing with. It was time that she get a grip on the reality of this situation, and stop handling it like a relationship with a Terran. It was time for her to be as understanding of him and of his ways as she had claimed to be all along.

But...they had indeed had hot, passionate sex that undeniably represented Vulcan kink. And knowing that it had been mutual and yet was not to happen again would still make it difficult to be around him. She hoped they would not be too awkward...

When the shuttle came to a stop before the Embassy on Wednesday morning, she groaned inwardly. There were people waiting there- several of them. She really did not understand why they wouldn't give up.

She had not been contacted by the Embassy regarding her peculiar behavior toward the director on Monday- so unless they planned to fire her as soon as she walked in this morning, she didn't think she had to worry about that. For whatever reason, the gods had given her pity on that one.

But between the possibility of losing her job, and that highly-satisfactory-even-if-only-a-one-time-experience with Sarek, she had managed to forget about the paparazzo. Undoubtedly, he had tattled to his friends about what he had seen, even if he did not have proof. She was surprised that reporters hadn't mobbed her at the shuttle stop to the university the day before. They must have decided to wait until they could capture both her and Sarek at the same place.

Swallowing her dread, she picked up her bag- wincing as she set on her shoulder, only to discover that there was still tenderness in that particular spot- and she exited the shuttle.

Amanda had taken to wearing long-sleeved turtlenecks the past two days, to hide the bruises and marks. She had also taken to wearing her hair down, instead of clipped up as she usually did when at school or at work. She was grateful for this as she walked toward the people now taking pictures of her. She rolled her eyes mentally. They really were pathetic.

A gust of wind blew, lifting her hair off her shoulders as she rushed toward the entrance. She looked up, and was surprised to see that someone had opened the doors for her. She hurried past the people now shouting questions at her- mainly, asking if it was true that she and the ambassador were back together. The clicking of cameras followed her until the doors closed behind her.

"Thank you." she murmured. Sarek stood just inside the doors.

"I have only just arrived, myself. They should disperse by the time your shift ends."

Amanda looked up at him. They stood there, alone in the lobby and out of view of any onlookers. Sarek appeared to be searching her appearance- presumably looking for any visible markings. Satisfied that there were none, his eyes rested on her face.

Neither of them seemed to know what to say. Amanda gazed up at him, her mind briefly wandering back to Monday...

"I have already taken the liberty of retrieving your morning beverage." Sarek said, and that was when she realized that he held a cup of coffee in his hand. She blinked, surprised- he had never done that before.

"You didn't have to do that." she said, and took it from him.

"I am aware of that fact." he replied. He continued to watch her as she looked down at the cup in her hands. "Amanda, I...should not have left the way I did."

"It's fine. I understand." she said, looking back up at him and giving him a small smile. This was awkward...but not as awkward as she had imagined it would be. "Really."

"There is still several minutes left before you must report to your duties. Will you accompany me to my office?" he asked. From the link that had been practically nonexistent for the past two days, she felt a flicker of hope from him. She smiled, this time more naturally.

"I don't see why not." she said. He nodded once, and turned toward the lift. As she followed him, she admired his poker-straight posture...and the fluid way his back muscles moved under his tunic as he walked, arms swinging slightly...just two days before, she had ran her hands over those very same muscles, coaxing him on...

She cleared her throat slightly as she took her place beside him in the lift. If he had felt anything from her, he did not comment, or even look at her as the lift doors slid shut. They did not speak until they were in his office, and then he pressed the button that closed the door.

"Are you well?" he asked as soon as they were assured of privacy. He was looking at her again, but this time she thought she felt anxiety from him.

"I'm a little sore, but I'm perfectly well." she replied quietly. "Thank you for being concerned."

"I have thought about you often these past two days." he confessed. Her eyebrows rose at this. From a human, that would be romantic, but she wasn't sure if the same rules applied with him. He was merely stating a fact. Maybe that in itself made it romantic.

"I've thought about you too." she said.

"Have I...upset you with anything I said on Monday?" he asked, and he took a step closer. "It was not my intention to do so. I required solitude and meditation after what occurred between us."

"I know." she said, and nodded. "I _was _upset- I'm not any more. I did some logical thinking of my own."

"Indeed?" he asked, raising his own eyebrows. "That is an improvement."

She laughed quietly, and then set her coffee down on his desk.

"I suppose it is." She did still wonder if he had appreciated the closeness they had shared as much as she had...did he even have any desire to do it again in the future? Or would he do it only out of duty if they bonded, not because he wanted to?

Sarek came closer to her, and reached out. She allowed him to pull down the collar of her light-blue turtleneck, enough to expose two dark-purple, bruised bite marks as well as several hickeys.

"You are truly not in too much discomfort?" he asked. She shook her head, reaching up to lace her fingers through his- touched by his concern for her.

"I'm fine." she said. She tilted her head. "And _we're_ fine too, Sarek. I can't promise to forget about what happened, but I _will_ promise not to let it affect anything. I still want to be with you."

"That is a relief." he said, and squeezed her fingers before dropping her hand. "Amanda, you should go."

"Someone is going to be suspicious if they see me leaving here." she said with a teasing lilt to her tone.

"They have already discovered us. As you are aware, the media is interested in us once more. Go, Amanda...I do not think you should be late on my account."

Amanda nodded, picked up her coffee again, and turned away. She left him in his office, and made her way back to the lift- where she pressed the button and leaned against the wall, thinking.

That had gone much better than she had imagined...maybe this wouldn't be as difficult as she had thought it would be. After all- they were still the same people, and they were still in love, even if their relationship had gone a step further than it should have- and now they must take a step back once more.

It seemed that, even with the reappearance of the press, they could be at peace. They could cope with their personal problems, in private. They would get past this. They could ignore the public attention, just as they had before.

She didn't know how wrong she was until the next day.

**A/N: Yeah, it's a bit of a cliffhanger...especially since I don't think I'll update tomorrow, LOL!**


	27. Accusations

**A/N: Yes, I know. I said no update. I can't friggin' help it! Writing is my addiction. But since this is a fairly short chapter, I decided to go ahead. The next chapter will take more thought, so it will take longer to write. **

**Chapter 27: Accusations**

The next morning, she was immediately aware of a change. Everyone she passed on the campus of San Francisco State treated her..._different_. They stared, they whispered- they gave her strange looks. They skirted around her on the brick path and in the hallways. She tried to ignore it- but she couldn't.

Confused, she hoisted the strap of her bag up higher onto her shoulder and prepared to enter her History of Xeno-Cultures classroom. She was almost over the threshold when a girl approached her.

"Amanda?" she asked hesitantly. Amanda stopped short, and turned to her- she recognized the girl as one of her classmates. She vaguely remembered her name to be Kristina...or was it Kristen? Something like that, anyway...Amanda had a lot of acquaintances, as she had no trouble chatting up people she didn't know- she just didn't keep them close enough to her to become friends.

"Yes?" Amanda asked, checking the time on the nearest computer terminal. She had three minutes.

"I just..." the girl paused, and wet her lips before continuing. "I've been through the same thing, and I got over it. I just want you to know, that if you ever need someone to talk to about it...I'm available."

"Um...okay." Amanda replied, bewildered.

"You shouldn't have to put up with that- no matter _who_ he is. Keep that in mind, okay?" the girl backed away. "See you later." she added, and turned to head into her next class.

Amanda stared after her- and then, completely forgetting that she was supposed to be in class, she took her PADD out of her bag and ducked into the nearest empty room- an unused classroom.

Something was wrong. And if everyone but her knew whatever it was- she knew it had something to do with the press.

She checked her news feed, and stopped dead when she saw the headline of an editorial:

**_Inter-Species Abuse? The Possible Truth About Ambassador Sarek_**_**- by Laura Anderson**_

She stared at it for nearly a full minute- her heart pounding in her throat. Fingers trembling, she prodded the 'read' option underneath the title with her stylus.

_**It seems that the relationship between Ambassador Sarek and Amanda Grayson took a turn for the worse- and the worst is far more than anyone ever imagined.**_

_** Barely two weeks after Ms. Grayson's announcement that she and the illustrious Vulcan ambassador had broken up, there was speculation that the couple had reunited- following a sighting of the pair leaving a restaurant together last Saturday evening. **_

_** But just why did this couple get back together? Out of mutual love? Or because of something darker? The photograph accompanying this article, which was taken just yesterday morning as Ms. Grayson entered the Embassy, may offer us a clue.**_

__Amanda scrolled over to the picture- and let out a forceful exhalation. She sank down onto a desk behind her, her knees too weak to support her weight. She felt numb- disbelieving. The picture had indeed been taken the day before- and at a most inopportune moment.

Her hair had been blown off her shoulders by a breeze, and she was looking up- she remembered, that was when she saw Sarek open the door for her. The strap of her bag had snagged on her light-blue turtleneck, pulling the collar down...and affording a partial view of a bruise. She remembered the exact moment when Sarek had bitten her there- just beneath her jaw. That had been the bruise she worried the most about being seen, due to its unfortunately high position.

Now, she knew that she had been right to be worried. She turned her eyes back to the editorial, as panic began to well up within her.

_**As can be clearly seen, Ms. Grayson has a large bruise on her neck, partially hidden by her clothing. This contusion is consistent with past domestic violence case photos- we have conferred with a doctor, who states: "I can't say for certain- her shirt covers up too much. But yes, it looks like it could be a classic case of asphyxiation to me."**_

_** As most of our readers know, Ms. Grayson has been in a relationship with the Vulcan ambassador for some time. But what if she tried to end it? **_

_** "Vulcans are rumored to be highly territorial and possessive of women." says our corresponding anthropologist. "We can't be a hundred percent on that, but only because Vulcans are so secretive about the inner-workings of their culture. But if it's true- I can definitely see a Vulcan getting violent if their mate decides to leave them- no matter how cool and collected they appear to be at any other time."**_

_** Is this bruise a sign of her struggle to leave the ambassador- and his refusal to let her go? Did her public denial of him a few weeks ago induce him to do this to her- perhaps to threaten her life if she did not remain with him? Is abuse the original reason why Ms. Grayson broke it off with him, now almost a month ago? Speculation at first was that these two individuals were too different- but what if it was not as simple as that?**_

_** "It's not uncommon for women to feel that they have no choice but to remain with an abusive man." says Colleen O'Hara, a survivor of years of domestic abuse and now an active leader in the Women Against Violence movement. "They might try to leave, but they always come back. They're scared. They don't know what to do. They don't realize that they don't have to put up with it- that there are ways to end it without further pain. That the man deserves to be in prison- and that what is happening to them is wrong. I have every hope that Ms. Grayson ends it the right way, by pressing charges. I don't care how important he is- nothing gives him the right to make her fear for her own life if she tries to leave him. This case is even worse, because he is three times stronger than any human. He could do unimaginable damage. And this advantage over her makes it even more despicable."**_

_** And what other evidence is there that this Vulcan could be violent? An L.A. Chronicle photographer has the answer. **_

_** "I was taking pictures of the two of them- perfectly within my rights, on Monday afternoon. I wasn't disturbing either the ambassador or Ms. Grayson. But then the Vulcan came at me- he shattered my camera. After seeing the crazy look in his eyes, I can easily believe him to be capable of hurting a woman."**_

_** This photographer, who wishes to remain anonymous, also stated that Ms. Grayson and the ambassador appeared to be having an argument in a hover-car just before this incident. Is it possible that that was the very night Ms. Grayson sustained her injuries? **_

_** But a more important question is- can the Federation afford to have a woman-beating ambassador in their midst? Surely, once the Vulcan High Council gets wind of the situation, they will launch an official investigation, and he will be removed from his prestigious position upon the finding of evidence that is plainly there. A man who can hurt a Terran woman cannot be an ambassador to Earth. If he is not removed, there will be an outcry from every Terran woman on the planet- maybe even from every female across the galaxy. **_

_** At this moment, this can only be speculation- but all current evidence points toward Ms. Grayson being a victim of domestic violence. We here at L.A. Chronicle hope that Ms. Grayson reads this and does what she should do- report it to the authorities, and save herself.**_

__Amanda was shaking by the time she was finished reading it.

This explained why everyone was looking at her so sympathetically. Why they walked on eggshells around her. They thought Sarek was abusing her.

The PADD slipped from her limp fingers, clattering to the floor. The sound startled her, and she leapt up from where she had been sitting on the desk. She knelt down to pick up the PADD and stuffed it back into her bag.

It didn't matter if they treated her differently. What mattered was how this was going to affect _Sarek_.

Amanda was used to obstacles cropping up for them- but until now, they had been limited to personal issues. But this...this was so much worse. This could _ruin_ Sarek.

Did he even know yet? she wondered. She had to find out. They needed to talk about this- immediately. Classes were completely unimportant compared to this.

As she rushed toward the door, she found that she was terrified- not for herself, but for him.

* * *

On Thursdays, Sarek often did not go in to the Embassy until the afternoon- if he went at all. At the moment, he had several projects he must complete, and that was where his attention was directed when T'Shan appeared in the doorway.

"I have said that I am not to be disturbed in my office." Sarek said before she even had a chance to speak.

"I am aware, _osu_ Sarek. But I believe you should take this call."

"If it is not the Council, they can wait." Sarek replied, not even looking up from the PADDs spread out before him. "I do not understand why you-"

"It is Ms. Grayson." T'Shan interrupted. The fact that she had interrupted him was surprising enough- but the information she had yielded was even more so. Amanda had never contacted him before- he was always the one to initiate their communications. He knew immediately that something was wrong.

"Send it to my console." he said, and as she disappeared, he unblocked the link. He had managed to keep it suppressed for the last few days- and when he now opened it, he was struck with a sense of panic that was not his own. His heart pounded in his side, and he felt as if he could not breathe.

He turned to his comm-console as Amanda's visage appeared on it. Her distress was plain on her face- her eyes were wide, and her she was biting her upper lip. He leaned forward, concerned.

"Amanda?" he questioned.

"Sarek. Have you seen it?" she asked anxiously.

"Amanda, please clarify yourself, and calm your emotions." he said. He attempted to send her _calm_ over the link- but he was not even sure that it was possible to do so.

"Have you read the editorial?" she asked, her voice more even than before, although still laced with fear.

"I always read the day's news in the evening." he stated, wondering what she was so worried about.

"Well..." she hesitated. "I think you should read it now."

"What is so urgent?" he asked, his tone quieter than normal- it was the tone he reserved for her when she was upset. Although his inflections were no different, a softer voice tended to alleviate her distress. This situation was no different.

"Sarek, I'm so sorry. It's about you." she said, and swallowed hard before continuing. "And about me, but it's going to affect you so much more."

Even he was beginning to become unsettled.

"I shall read it. Why are you not in class?" he asked. She gave him a disbelieving smile.

"I'm telling you that your career could be in jeopardy, and you're worried about my classes?" she asked.

"There is no need to forgo your education because of a possibly damaging editorial."

"Sarek...it's not _possibly_ damaging, it _will _be. I'm taking the day off from classes. We need to talk about this."

He observed her- she seemed determined. And she would not be this concerned unless it was for a reason...

"I will read this editorial that you have mentioned, and then I will come for you. We will resume this discussion here."

She did not even question him about why they could not discuss it at her apartment, for which he was grateful. He would prefer that he need not explain it- perhaps she already understood that he must not be tempted- as he knew they both would be if they were alone for any length of time. She nodded once in agreement.

"I estimate that I will arrive in thirty-one minutes." he said, and then he leaned forward to disconnect.

When he had done so, he turned to a PADD and accessed the news feed. As soon as he saw the headline, he felt cold all over.

She was correct. This could damage them both.

**A/N: Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!**


	28. Ramifications

**Chapter 28: Ramifications**

Neither of them had said more than a few short words since Sarek had come for her. Now, they entered his living room, and he shut the door for complete privacy.

"Would you agree to a chess match?" Sarek asked. Amanda stared at him.

"Sarek, now is _hardly_ an appropriate time for playing a game." she said, crossing her arms over her chest. Sarek turned toward the board that sat on a small table.

"Chess enables me to focus when I am..." Sarek stopped. He had almost said 'upset'. He was becoming too accustomed to her ways of speech. "Discontented." he finished. He turned back to her.

"Fine." she said. "If it helps you..."

He knew it would. Chess required one to think logically- it made it easier for him to repress emotions and keep his thought processes clear while conducting a particularly difficult conversation, such as the one he knew they were about to have.

He seated himself in a chair, and she sat across from him. He considered for a moment, and made his first move on the board. Then, he spoke.

"You are not incorrect. This article presents a problem." he said.

"Everyone thinks you choked me, Sarek. 'Problem' isn't quite a strong enough word." Amanda said bitterly, and moved her knight.

"Perhaps not, but labeling the severity of the issue does not decrease it." Sarek replied. "And the fact that the readers will think I abused you is not the issue, either."

"Oh, it's not?" Amanda asked sarcastically. Sarek looked up at her from the board.

"It is not. The 'evidence' can be easily refuted if an investigation is begun. The real issue is how this will affect us afterward."

"I can deal with stares and whispers. It's _you_ I'm worried about. And...if the article is proven wrong, how is it still a problem?"

Sarek found that he was filled with affection for her when she said she was worried about him instead of herself. He extended his hand, and their fingers met across the table in the _ozh'esta_. He shared the tender feelings before responding.

"One of the many things I have learned about humans since my arrival on Earth six months ago, is that they do not always believe logical evidence when it is presented to them. I am certain that, even if their suspicions are proven wrong, they will continue to think ill of me- and they will continue to consider you a victim. That image is sealed in their minds. They will not believe the truth when it comes out. This will not only foster negative public views on our relationship in the future, but it will also affect my diplomatic relations. I will no longer be trusted by Terrans.

"Although the High Council will know the truth about this situation, I will still have created negative publicity- not only for myself, but for Vulcan. I represent them, and my actions could damage the Federation's relationship with my planet- it does not matter whether I am guilty of the accusations or not. Because I have acted so carelessly, the High Council will undoubtedly be displeased."

"And what will happen if they're displeased?" she asked, and withdrew her fingers from his to sever the empathic link. She swallowed hard, her eyes lowered- refusing to look up at him.

"I do not yet know. As humans say...only time will tell." Sarek replied. "I believe that they will receive word of the editorial tomorrow- and then they must make a decision. I do not know when they will contact me, although I am certain that they will. As for what they will decide...I cannot speak for them, and I will not even attempt to form a hypothesis."

"So basically, you're not going to do anything about this until they get involved?" she asked slowly, brow furrowed.

"There is nothing I can do. It is your turn, Amanda." he said, gesturing to the board. She sighed heavily, and made a hasty move.

"We could...I don't know...go public, and tell them ourselves that it wasn't abuse." she said irritably.

"They will not believe you. They will only think that I pressured you into a public statement. And it will not change the fact that the editorial was written, and the representative of Vulcan was publicly accused of violence. The situation with the Council would remain the same. It would be best to allow them to handle it- I am sure that they will acquiesce to an investigation, as the article demanded, and we have nothing to concern ourselves with there. If they do not, diplomatic ties would be further strained between Vulcan and Earth."

Sarek studied Amanda, who seemed to be even more upset. She was biting her lip again- always a sign of distress- and her hands were clenched.

"I just can't believe they could misconstrue the situation so badly." she said.

"Their evidence, while circumstantial, would be believable to the readers. The mark on your neck, when partially covered by your clothing, could resemble a bruise formed by asphyxiation. Their speculation was not without reason."

"But their speculation is _wrong_!" she snapped. "Leave it to reporters to completely mess up the facts to make a story!"

"I do find their assumptions to be unsettling." Sarek agreed. "All they had to base them on was one photograph. A Vulcan would not have dared to write such an accusatory article with such little evidence- if they would dare to write one at all."

They did not speak for a few minutes- they were still playing chess, although he noticed that Amanda was playing even more carelessly and poorly than ever before. Apparently, she did not find the game to be as calming as he did. And he _did_ need to be calmed- he was raging on the inside. This entire situation was distressing to them both. He was angry, and maybe even a little afraid of what may happen to them. He did not tell her so, but he did have an idea of what the Council would do. He did not wish to worry her further- not until he was certain.

"How is this going to be handled, though? How will we disprove it?" Amanda finally asked. She was watching him anxiously, and he met her eyes.

"Vulcans have ways, Amanda- ways that are guaranteed to prove the truth. If the High Council launches an investigation, a Vulcan will be conducting it."

"And why would they launch an investigation at all? This biting thing of yours...don't all Vulcans do it? They ought to know what the bruise is."

"This 'biting thing' is known to every Vulcan, yes- but it is not known to outsiders. This is because it demonstrates a certain lack of control- it is difficult to resist the urge, as you have found. It is natural to us. But if it were to become common knowledge to Terrans, we would find it an intrusion into our privacy. As such, we cannot simply state it to be a bite mark- it would raise questions. This investigation may not be necessary to find the truth, but it has been publicly called for."

"So, it's basically just to appease the Federation?" she asked.

"Yes." They were again quiet for a few moments, then Sarek was the one to break the silence. "Amanda, I must take blame for this incident. I marked you too high."

"So you don't feel guilty for _marking_ me?" she asked, raising her eyebrows. "Just for doing it too high and getting caught?"

"As I have said, marking is natural to me. I cannot feel guilt for something that is natural. I also know that you did not entirely dislike it, so I will not concern myself with that." he said, raising his eyebrows at her. "And I hope you do not feel guilty for marking me- I found it pleasing, as well."

"That much is obvious." she was smiling now, which pleased him almost as much as the biting had. "But I should have been more careful to not let it be seen." she added.

"You took as much care as possible. You wore clothing that concealed the marks, and left your hair down- it was an unfortunate combination of circumstances that revealed it."

Amanda sighed, and looked past him, her eyes slightly unfocused. "We can never catch a break, can we?" she asked sadly. "First, the whole thing with the exposure, and the subsequent events with T'Pau and the Council. Then...Monday, which we both know shouldn't have happened." A blush crept up into her cheeks, which he found interesting. Was that due to embarrassment, or arousal at certain memories? "Then this. Are we ever going to be truly happy? Will we ever be _allowed_ to be?"

He did not reply- because he was not sure. They did, indeed, seem to encounter obstacles far more often than other couples.

Amanda was looking at the board again, and he took the opportunity to study her. She was as lovely as ever- her chestnut-brown hair framing her face, her brown eyes downturned, the corners of her lips tugged into a frown. She seemed...sad. He wasn't sure what it was about her appearance that could make it so, but it was true. She looked like she carried a heavy weight on her shoulders. He wanted to take it from her, and place it on himself...but he did not know how.

Their relationship had never been simple. Both of them had made great sacrifices...she could have easily not bothered with him, and her life would have been so much easier. She could have found a human mate, had a relationship that was uncomplicated...she could have children, and a thoroughly happy life. Instead, she had opted for him- even knowing that there was a possibility they may not be able to reproduce, and knowing that their life could never be easy, because of who and what they were. She was so willing to endure his ways...because she loved him. There were so many times that she could have ended this, and he would have allowed it because it was what she wanted- and yet she had fought for it.

He had made sacrifices, as well. A logical mate would have been far simpler for him, just as a human would have been for her. He would not have been forced to adjust to human ways, which he had done for Amanda. Early on in their relationship, it had been incredibly difficult for him to become accustomed to touching her. From the merest brush of their fingers, to kissing, he had once been reluctant to do even those. It had taken practice. Sometimes, he still hesitated.

He had been forced to deal with bouts of illogic from Amanda, as well- something he would never have had to concern himself with if he had chosen a Vulcan mate. It was often wearing, he could admit- but he was becoming used to her emotionalism. He could even go so far as to say that it was one of the traits that endeared her to him. He could not smile and laugh- but she could. He expressed his joy vicariously through her.

This relationship was a challenge for him- it always had been, and possibly always would be. Perhaps that was why he was so willing to endure their hardships. He was not one to turn down a challenge, or give up on it- and neither was she. Whether it was T'Pau and the Council interfering, or his own lust for her consuming him and driving him to take her in every way imaginable, or this- the largest obstacle that could ever come between them...except for one other that he could not control, and she was still unaware of.

"Amanda." Sarek said quietly. She looked up at him- brown eyes meeting black. "There is something I must tell you. It was...wrong of me, to keep it from you this long."

"Is this...what you kept from me when we discussed secrecy in the hover-car?" she asked uncertainly.

"Yes. This is the last, the most important secret that I have not imparted to you. It is the one most likely to influence your decision to bond with me."

She leaned back in her chair, hands folded in her lap- listening attentively.

"Tell me, Sarek." she said softly.

"This article...it did mention something that we should be concerned about. The exact quote is 'He is three times stronger than any human. He could do unimaginable damage. And this advantage over her makes it even more despicable'."

"Sarek, if this is about sex...honestly, I handled Monday pretty well. I think I could handle it in the future, too. You need to stop worrying about that." her lips were twitching into a small, sly smile. This triggered a sudden stream of memories in his mind- him tearing off her shirt as her hands worked at the fastenings of his pants...lips and tongues and teeth clashing in their eagerness...she laying beneath him, then later sitting astride him...the way her voice sounded as she chanted his name like a mantra...

He shoved the memories away and forced his attention back to the situation at hand. It was not an unusual occurrence lately for these memories to come to the surface, but it frustrated him each time, as he desperately did not want to think about that heated afternoon. Especially when he was trying to tell her something as important as this.

"I am not finished, Amanda." Sarek said. They had abandoned their chess match now. He leaned forward, his hands folded together on the table before him, his eyes trained on hers as he spoke. "This is related to sexual matters, yes- but not in the way you are thinking of. This is difficult for me to speak of...as it is a very private issue, not even discussed amongst Vulcans. But I must tell you- as it may concern you in the future, you have a right to know."

He paused, gathering his thoughts. Then he resumed, her eyes still intently on his.

"There comes a time, every seven years in a Vulcan's adult life, in which they must mate. It is called...Pon Farr." he nearly cringed as he said the words- he had not had to speak them in a long, long time. "The mating time." he clarified, and then paused again, letting her absorb these words.

"And?" she prompted. "I don't get it. So you _have_ to have sex every seven years. If we bond, that won't be an issue. I sure as hell hope we would have sex more often than that."

"There is more, Amanda. During this time, massive amounts of adrenaline will be released into my system. I will lose all inhibitions and control over my body. I must mate...or my own body will betray me, and will cease to function. But if I sate my fire with you, I would be unable to control my strength- and you cannot deny that you are physically weaker than I am. It would be different from Monday- when I was still able to contain myself. This could be extremely dangerous for you. I could even kill you unintentionally."

She did not look away from him, but when he fell silent she did not respond. Her face was curiously blank- and he longed to know what she was thinking, or even feeling- but the link was currently in its nearly-nonexistent state, and he could not open it. It was frustrating...a full bond would be so much simpler to operate.

"Amanda?" he questioned after a full minute had passed.

"So you're saying...every seven years you could possibly kill me because you can't control yourself." she repeated. "And if you don't mate, _you'll_ die." He was unsure as to why she was repeating his words- it was as if she were hoping she had misheard him, although he knew her hearing was unimpaired, and he had spoken quite clearly.

"That is what I said." he replied, watching her closely- his heart thudded sickeningly fast in his side. What if this deterred her entirely?

"I...I don't know what to think about that." she said, and finally looked away from him. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"As I said, it is a very private issue. I know I should have told you sooner than this- but I was...concerned...that you would reject me because of it. So I foolishly delayed."

"When is your next Pon Farr?" she asked. He felt hopeful...perhaps she would not let it hinder her, after all?

"Over one year from now." he replied.

She looked down at her hands, biting her lip again.

"I don't know what I expected you to tell me, but this definitely wasn't it." she said quietly.

"I am sure that it is difficult for you. But I am telling you this now for a reason, Amanda." Sarek said. She looked back up at him.

"What reason?" she asked. He looked at her for a few seconds before replying- he realized that he was nervous. He wasn't sure what her response would be. He had not planned to say this- not even while he told her about Pon Farr. But he knew that it was time, even if he was not entirely prepared...

"This article has created a dilemma. I do not yet know how this will affect my standing- but I do know that you will face more difficulties in the future. It was my intention to wait longer for this, and to give you more time. But...we do not know what lies in our near future- there may be little time left. You must decide whether or not you are ready to fully commit to me. We have both known from the beginning of this courtship that this was our goal, even if we have only mentioned it in passing conversation and never made it official. Now that you have all the facts that are of importance to consider in your decision...you must make it."

She looked at him calmly. She understood his meaning- he knew this from her increased heart rate. She was nervous- or was it something else?

"I do not require an answer at this time." Sarek continued quietly. "I want you to consider it carefully. But this cannot wait long- not when our situation is so uncertain. There is every possibility that I may not remain on Earth much longer. If I must leave, I would prefer to know where we stand. You must keep in mind, however...there are difficulties ahead. Pon Farr, as well as the ramifications of this article, which I do not believe will ever fully go away. And there will be other obstacles. I do not wish for you to enter into anything when you have doubts- and I do not wish for you to enter into it out of a sense of obligation, either. This decision is yours, Amanda. I will accept it, whatever your answer is."

It was thirty-two seconds before she said anything.

"Is this a proposal?" she asked, giving a small smile.

"It is not the way I had planned to ask you to bond with me, but yes." he replied quietly.

"Do you have logical reasons for this proposal?" she asked.

"I have logical reasons for everything I do, Amanda."

"What about _illogical _reasons?" she asked. His eyes met hers, and held the gaze.

"You know I do." he replied.

She continued to look at him. Then she looked down and took a breath.

"You could have been a little more romantic." she said, a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. "But I'll think about it."

"If at all possible...please make a logical decision." he said. She laughed.

"I'm only human."

"Amanda, I am not attempting to make you laugh. To make an emotional decision in this circumstance would not be wise." he said sternly. She stopped laughing, and suddenly she was much more serious. "There are things you must consider that could be detrimental to your health- and to your happiness. I do not want you to make a decision in haste that you will later regret. If you accept, there will be no backing out."

She cleared her throat and leaned forward. "I'll try, Sarek. But I'm just not as good as you are at that."

"I know, but I also know that you are an intelligent woman, and very capable of making rational decisions when called upon to." he said. He had an urge to reach out and take her hand- and he supposed he could have. They were comfortable with one another, after all, and it was not as if he had never done such a thing before. But somehow...he couldn't bring himself to do it. He had not had any sort of physical contact with her since Monday, other than brief touches of their hands and when they had joined in the _ozh'esta_ earlier. Showing affection had gotten them into this convoluted state of affairs. Perhaps he thought that even something so innocent as hand-holding would compromise his judgment- and considering the thoughts he had been having about her since Monday...it was very possible.

"I'll try my best." Amanda said, her voice low. They looked at one another for several long seconds.

"I believe that we have discussed all that needed to be addressed." Sarek finally said. Amanda nodded, again looking away from him.

"Yes, I agree." she said. "I know you'll invite me to stay here today, so we can have dinner, but I really think I should go. I need to start some serious thinking- and it needs to be done in private." she added, standing. He stood, also. She was correct- he had been about to offer. But he was relieved that she had declined before he even asked. He wasn't sure he could contain himself if he was alone with her all day.

"I will take you home." he said, moving toward the door. As he led her out to the hover-car, he wondered how she had managed to captivate him so much as to make it nearly impossible for him to think of anything but her- and now, of his desire for her, which, instead of being dampened by Monday's satiation, was only made stronger. But he _must_ control it. It could not control him- not again.

He knew it was extremely selfish of him, given what was at stake...but part of him was grateful that humans were virtually incapable of making decisions that were unaffected by emotion.

**A/N: Sounds like Amanda has a LOT to think about.**

**And...if you want an early Christmas present, go look up 'A Gift For You' by TheSouthernScribe. It's a collaborative story with a few different authors- the third chapter is my Christmas contribution, and it features Sarek, Amanda...and someone else :D  
**


	29. Difficult Decisions

**Chapter 29: Difficult Decisions**

Although he had not said as much, Amanda knew that Sarek had just given her an ultimatum: Either agree to bond with him, or it was over. There was no middle-ground; that part was over with. It _was_ time to decide. They couldn't afford to put off that which they had known was coming all along.

She couldn't blame him. If she denied him, then that meant he had wasted all this time, and from what he had said, his time was running out. Since they didn't know what was going to happen in the aftermath of that article, he needed to know where she stood on the issue of the bonding. She would have done the same thing- make him decide.

As for her answer...she honestly did not even know yet. As he had pointed out, there was a lot to consider- especially now. If he had asked her before, she may have said 'yes' without hesitation. But with the revelation of this 'Pon Farr'...

Was it true? Of course it was...Sarek was Vulcan, and Vulcans don't lie. But she didn't _want_ to believe it...she couldn't imagine Sarek ever being so out of control as to make it possible for him to kill her. Yet, he had told her that it was a definite possibility. The thought of him hurting her in such a way sent a chill down her spine. The Sarek she knew and loved would be incapable of that. But he wouldn't be himself at that time...

She wished he had given her more time to wrap her mind around the idea. This was all happening so fast...now, not only had he dropped that bomb on her, but she had to decide whether or not she wanted to marry him. She was conflicted- her mind whirled with thoughts and emotions that were in constant battle. A war was raging, and to her dismay, the side she wanted least was winning out- her brain.

He had told her to make a logical decision. Could she do that? Logic was telling her not to say yes. There were so many reasons to decline, no matter what her heart said...

Amanda's musing was interrupted by the sound of her door buzzing. She closed her eyes and sighed. She had been unable to sleep the night before, and now it was Friday morning. She had called off work- knowing that reporters would be at the Embassy, and she had no desire to face them. Sarek had told her the night before that he was not going in today, either. He had said that it was best for him to stay out of public view until it was over. His work could easily be conducted at home, and anything he needed from the Embassy could be retrieved by one of his aides, who worked in a separate building across from the Embassy.

Amanda sat up, smoothing her hair down. There was only one person who could be at the door, and she wasn't looking forward to the confrontation. She needed to be spending the day in deep thought and introspection- not dealing with her sister. But the buzzer sounded repeatedly, with increasing agitation as Amanda wrapped a silk robe around herself to partially hide the bite marks that marred her pale skin.

When she finally answered the door, Sarah was livid.

"Show me!" she said as soon as the door was closed.

"Nice to see you, too." Amanda replied coolly, turning away to pick up a stack of data slates that held her homework and putting them away. She really wasn't in the right frame of mind for this. She had much more important things to be thinking about. Such as whether or not she was ready to fully commit herself to a relationship that had been extremely rocky from the start- and wasn't likely to get any better.

"Don't try to beat around the bush!" Sarah hissed. Her jaw was clenched, and her eyes flashed dangerously.

"I'm not. I was only pointing out your lack of greeting." Amanda replied, and turned back around. The two sisters- who looked so alike- stood six feet apart, in identical stances- arms crossed over their chests, glares fixed onto their faces.

"I want to see the evidence." Sarah said impatiently.

"Evidence of what?" Amanda asked.

"The evidence that your boyfriend, who you've been defending all this time, tried to kill you!" she snapped. Amanda rolled her eyes.

"Well, you're wasting your time. There _is_ no evidence. Because it didn't _happen_." Amanda replied.

"I saw the picture!" Sarah said. "I would have been over here yesterday, but I didn't have a ride, and-"

"The picture was misleading, and as usual, reporters took advantage of the situation. Trust me, Sarah, he didn't hurt me."

Sarah came forward, yanking the collar of Amanda's robe down- exposing several bruises.

"Oh, _really_?" she asked hotly, and released the collar.

"_This _is not what you think." Amanda said, gesturing at the marks. "This was completely consensual."

"_Consensual_?" Sarah's voice got higher with every syllable. "I didn't realize you had a kink for getting beaten up! I swear, I'm going to kill him- I don't care if I get arrested and spend the rest of my life in prison- or even if I'm punished by the Vulcan Council, and they do some weird mind-torture thing on me-"

She was already heading for the door. Amanda reached out and grabbed her arm, and pushed her backward onto the couch.

"Will you _listen _before you jump to conclusions? You're as bad as the media is!" Amanda said angrily.

"Fine, I'll listen. And _then_ I'll go bash his fucking brains in."

Amanda sighed and shook her head before sitting next to her sister. "You really need to watch that mouth. You curse like a freighter captain. And there won't be any 'bashing his brains in'. Look closely at these marks, Sarah."

She pulled down the collar, showing her the bite mark there. Sarah leaned in closer, and wrinkled her nose up in disgust.

"Is that a _bite _mark?" she asked.

"Yes. It's a Vulcan marking thing. I have them all over my shoulders, too. He couldn't have done that if I didn't let him, could he?"

"He _bit _you?" she asked, still disgusted.

"Yes- and I bit him back." Amanda said. "So it's _not_ what you think."

"So what exactly is going on?" she asked. "Is this some sort of weird sex thing?"

"I guess you can say that." Amanda said with a shrug. She allowed her thoughts to drift back to Monday...had it really only been four days? It felt like a long time ago...so much had happened since then.

She sank back against the sofa. Sarek had been more detached from her than ever since Monday. He had briefly touched her hand a few times, but that was it. He had not even kissed her goodbye when he dropped her off the day before. She had not dared to invite him inside, because something told her that he would have declined.

Did he not trust her around him any more? Was he afraid that she would try to seduce him again if they were alone too long? She missed his touch...even his light goodbye kisses. She missed _him_, and how simple things were before that fateful moment when she decided to bite him.

Would he always be this aloof with her, after that mistake? That was something else to take into consideration. Even now, he had difficulties showing affection. She often had to take the lead. Could she handle being with someone all her life, who would never know when she needed comforting or affection, or understand _why _she needed it? True, they would be bonded...but that wouldn't make it any easier for him to hold her, or kiss her without prompting- just because she was feeling down.

What if he decided that they would not have sex at all, outside of Pon Farr? She was a woman, not a machine. She had physical needs, and the sort of gratification he had given her on the night of her birthday wouldn't be enough to sate her for long. Yet...she couldn't demand too much of him, either. It was against everything he believed in to have sex solely for pleasure- even if he had already said he would compromise to make it acceptable.

There were just so many questions, and neither of them would know the answer until they gave it a shot. The entire situation was precarious. Her heart said yes- her head said no. And with good reason.

Sarek had said, himself, that difficulties lay ahead. Pon Farr- which was admittedly the worst, considering how it may hurt her, or even kill her. The fact that everyone would forever see them as how the media portrayed them now. And his inability to show affection, although he had improved greatly since they began dating, and she knew that with some work, she could get him back to that point. And there was another thing, which was only just occurring to her...

Marrying Sarek would mean eventually living on Vulcan. While his post as ambassador (if he kept it, anyway) was long-term, it was not permanent. He would return to Vulcan, and of course she would return with him. Could she leave behind her life, her sister, her _people_? Could she live amongst Vulcans for the remainder of her life? Could she give up her whole world for one man?

She recalled once having wondered what it must be like for Sarek to be living on a planet, surrounded by a race he knew little about. She had not known, then, that she may be facing the same future. Could she endure that for him? Could she adjust herself to living a life devoid of outward emotion, a life devoid of friends or people she knew, just so she could have him?

But...had he not already adjusted himself for her? She knew it had not been easy for him to become accustomed to her ways, and yet he had endeavored. He had researched. He had practiced. He had asked her questions- he had learned, from her and _for _her. He had always held her interests before his, and he always tried so hard to please her, even if it meant bending his doctrines more than he found to be comfortable. And she was actually daring to even _contemplate_ whether or not she would do the same? _He_ had not hesitated. Why should she?

She was disgusted with herself. She _knew_ that Sarek would do whatever he could for _her,_ and _she_ was questioning herself? If she loved him as much as he loved her, it should have been easy to decide that she would do what it took for him, even if she had to endure this 'Pon Farr' to save his life, while endangering her own.

"Amanda? You still there?" Sarah's voice and a sharp poke in her side jolted Amanda out of her reverie.

"You see me, don't you?" Amanda asked irritably.

"You looked like you were far away." Sarah said, peering at her closely.

"I was just...I'm a bit distracted right now, okay?" she said. "This whole thing...Sarek and I don't know what's going to happen."

"Why not just make a public announcement that it's all bullshit?" Sarah said with a shrug. She seemed to have calmed down, although she still eyed the bite mark uneasily.

"I've already propositioned that idea." Amanda said with a sigh. "Sarek says they won't listen to me, and he's right. They'll think he made me say it. He wants to wait for the High Council to get involved, which they will, soon."

"Is he going to lose his job and get deported back to Vulcan?"

"He might." Amanda replied quietly. The living room was silent for a few minutes, during which she stared blankly at a wall.

"Are you sure you want to stay with him after all this? I mean, the constant media exposure isn't good for you. And there's always going to be prejudice against you two. Wouldn't it just be easier to let it go, end it while you can?" Sarah asked.

"It would be easier, yes- but no one ever said love and relationships were easy." Amanda replied. "But you're only saying all this because you don't like him."

"How can I like a Vulcan who bites my sister while they're fu-"

"Don't even say it!" Amanda warned.

"Fine. While they're _making love_." Sarah rolled her eyes as she made quotes in the air with her fingers, and Amanda smiled despite herself. "Not to mention that he broke your heart once and then came crawling back."

"A Vulcan would never crawl." Amanda said. "It's too undignified."

"I'm speaking figuratively, you know that." Sarah said. "Anyway...I just don't think he's good for you."

"Maybe you're right- but this is still my decision." Amanda said, turning her eyes away from her sister, back to the wall. "And I have to make it."

She was talking more to herself than to Sarah, who seemed to realize this. Amanda did not speak for several minutes, and then her sister stood.

"I should get going. I'm sorry for assuming..."

"You only did what thousands of people are doing right now." Amanda said bitterly.

"I still don't like that he bites you."

Amanda decided that it was a good thing she had not told her about the bruises from where he had gripped her too tightly. She probably _would_ try to bash his head in, then.

"That's my problem, and I'm coping with it just fine." she replied. "Bye, Sarah."

"Bye...talk to you later." she said, and left. Amanda was once more alone- but this time, she was at peace- the battle was over. She had made her decision, even though half of her still revolted violently against the answer she would give Sarek.

* * *

She spent that weekend doing her homework. Sarek did not contact her, although she was not surprised- he had said that he would call her once he heard from the Council. But she still found the silence of her comm-link to be unsettling. Not a weekend had gone by since his previous return from Vulcan that they had not at least spoken on the comm when unable to go out together. She wondered which situation this silence was a result of- Monday, or the news article. Maybe both.

On Monday, she had no choice but to go in to the Embassy. She walked briskly past the cluster of reporters waiting for her, without a word- but once inside, she was met with the same stares and whispers that she had seen and heard at the university on Thursday. She ignored them as best she could.

She found that the building felt..._empty_ without Sarek. When he had been gone before, it hadn't been quite as noticeable, because she was distraught over the way things had ended between them. But now...the situation was different. She felt a pang every time she walked by his office- the door shut and locked. Would she ever get to walk by there again, to look in and see him, even if only to get a glimpse of him before she continued on her way?

Without any hope of seeing him, her day was dull and stressful. Everywhere she went, people were looking at her like the victim they thought she was. She even caught Linette staring at her with sympathy plain on her face- once or twice she thought that she might try to talk to her, but she only continued on with her tasks, making it plain that she wasn't going to talk about anything with her supervisor.

So when, at the end of the day, she went outside to find that the reporters were gone- she was relieved. And when she saw the familiar, sleek black hover-car humming quietly by the curb, she smiled widely- before realizing that this couldn't be good news.

She walked to the door, and opened it, sliding into the front seat.

"I didn't expect you to be here." Amanda said evenly as she placed her bag on the floor beneath her seat. Sarek did not reply to that.

"There is a park nearby. It is deserted at this time of day. We will go there." he said, not looking at her as he switched gears and pulled away from the curb. She bit her lip, remembering that she would have to tell him her decision...

"Why the park?" she asked.

"My time is limited." he said. There was a pause and then, still not looking at her, he said; "The Council contacted me this morning. I am to be removed to Vulcan."

"For how long?" she asked, fear spiking inside her. He finally looked at her.

"Indefinitely." he replied quietly. Amanda sucked in a sharp breath, and now she was the one looking away.

"And when do you leave?" she asked, surprised to find that tears were pricking at her eyelids. They had both known this was a possibility, but that did not make it any easier to accept.

"In one hour." he replied calmly. But she felt something that was not hers...dread, and something akin to fear, and...nervousness? "Which is why we must stop here." he said as he pulled up alongside an empty park. "There is a grove of trees nearby that will shelter us from view. This is as much privacy as we can muster."

He got out, and opened her door for her. He then led her across the expanse of green grass, toward the said trees. Nestled in the corner, hidden from view, was a bench on the stone path. They sat there, side by side- almost touching, but not quite.

"Indefinitely." Amanda repeated the word, and struggled hard to stop the tears from welling up again.

"Their decision to revoke my position has not officially been made. There is to be a hearing when I return to Vulcan." he said. Amanda looked up at him, searching his eyes.

"Do you think you'll be able to retain your post?" she asked.

"I do not know." he replied, his voice low. He used this tone with her when she was upset. "I will strive to, of course. I have done nothing unethical or illegal." he said.

"And what if you don't return to Earth?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

"I do not know that, either." he replied. Then he did something he had not done in well over a week now- he leaned forward to rest his forehead against hers. "Amanda, there is something I wished to do when I repeated my proposal, but as it was rather sudden, I did not have time to prepare."

"What do you mean?" she asked. She was surprised when he slid off the bench- now kneeling before her. She tried not to smile as he reached into his pocket, but she couldn't help it. He was closer to her than he had been since Monday, one hand resting on her knee- the weight warm and heavy, comforting. He opened the small box he had taken out of his pocket. Inside was a ring- platinum, with a sizable diamond. It was beautiful- the bright mid-March sunlight glinted off of it, showering Amanda with white refracted light.

"I have read that it is customary to present a woman with a ring when one is asking her to marry him." he said.

"You don't need to explain, Sarek." she said, not able to wipe the smile off her face. "And you really didn't need to do this."

She felt a twinge of anxiety from the weak link, and she realized how that must have sounded to him- like a rejection.

"Amanda, I trust you have reached a decision regarding this matter. So I shall ask you one last time...will you become my bond mate?" he asked, and she could have sworn that he held his breath after asking the question.

"Sarek..." she found that she was overcome with emotion, and tears were quickly building. Her throat ached from the strain of holding them back. He was watching her closely, and he noted this reaction. She sensed him beginning to pull away, but she grabbed his hand to prevent it. "I can't say that the decision I made is logical, like you requested of me. But yes...I do want to bond with you."

"You...are sure?" he asked hesitantly. She gave a small laugh.

"Sarek, human males don't usually question the woman's answer if it's positive. I wouldn't have said 'yes' if I didn't mean it. I have considered everything- and I know it's not going to be easy. It never has been, and it never will be. I accept that. We can handle it- even what's happening right now. We'll get through this- we'll even get through Pon Farr, somehow."

He shifted uncomfortably when she mentioned Pon Farr. That term must truly be taboo to Vulcans.

"You do realize that I consider this binding, and I will not allow you to back out easily?" he asked.

"Sarek, stop questioning my decision and put the ring on my finger." she said lovingly, squeezing his hand. "I'm _sure_ that this is what I want. Beyond a doubt. I know what I'm getting into, now."

He took the ring from its small cushion and then looked up at her, hesitating. She found his uncertainty adorable.

'This one." she said in a stage whisper, holding up her left hand and wiggling her ring finger. He slid the ring onto it- it was a perfect fit, of course. She wouldn't have been surprised to find that he had visually taken her measurements sometime before.

She looked at the ring, and then smiled down at him. She rested that hand on his cheek, and the fingers on their right hands met in the _ozh'esta. _His left hand was still resting on her leg, and he was now rubbing it gently in small circles.

They sat there like that for several long minutes- he still kneeling before her, their fingers joined, her hand resting on his cheek as his rested on her leg. She smiled down at him, and even the corners of his lips quirked up ever so slightly- it was barely perceptible, but still there. Amanda had not felt such peace and love in her life. She was content with her decision- now was not a time to worry about what the future may hold for them. Now was a time for joy and calm, relief and love, all of which they were sharing with one another.

Good things cannot, unfortunately, last forever. Their moment of delight had to end at some point, and reality must creep back in. Sarek was the one to break the link, but he did not pull away from the hand on his cheek. Instead, he turned his head so that he could kiss her palm- slowly, his lips soft and hot against her cool skin. His eyes closed, and he spoke- his breath hot against her hand.

"I must leave soon." he said, and his hand, which still rested on her leg, tightened slightly. "I should take you to your apartment."

Amanda sighed, regretting that this tender moment had to end. "You're right."

"If I do return to Earth...if you wish, we can continue as before until you are ready for the bonding ceremony. If I do not return...I will send for you when my Time comes."

"But that's a year away." she said, frowning slightly as he stood.

"Then we will bond when you find yourself ready to relocate, _ko-kugalsu_." he said. She raised her eyebrows, and he elaborated. "It is the feminine form of betrothed. You will be required to learn Vulcan, Amanda."

"What's the masculine form?" she asked, standing from the bench.

"_Sa-kugalsu_."

"Well, my _sa-kugalsu_, I will try my best to learn Vulcan. I think I'll need it."

They walked away from the grove, and since no one was around, Amanda slipped her hand into his.

As he drove her home, Amanda refused to think about what lay ahead for him- and for them. They had no way of knowing what was going to happen. It would be best not to speculate. She could only hope that they conquered this...

He followed her inside her apartment, much to her surprise. He headed directly to the comm-console and began to enter a series of numbers.

"I am programming my private transmission address in Shi'Kahr into the computer. I will contact you to keep you informed of events. If you find that you must contact me, then I have set it so that the charges for the inter-planetary call will be forwarded to me. I know you will protest, Amanda, but I insist. I will not allow you to pay for it."

She _had_ been about to resist him, but she knew he would not relent, so she only folded her arms and watched as he entered the last of the digits. He then turned to her.

"I must leave. I am to be at the shuttle station in twenty-one minutes, and from there I will be taken to a science vessel that is bound for Vulcan. I am later than I expected."

Amanda nodded mutely, and then went to him. But when she moved to kiss him, his shoulders tensed. She stopped short, and lowered her arms, which she had been about to place around him.

"I can't even kiss you now?" she asked, unable to keep the sadness from her tone. "You've been so distant this last week...but I thought that maybe you would at least accept affection now, when I have no idea when I'll see you again. What are you afraid of, Sarek? That I'll try to seduce you?"

"Amanda..." Sarek stepped forward, and he was close enough that she could feel the body heat radiating off of him. "I was merely unprepared. But you seem to be laboring under the presumption that you are the only one of us capable of seduction. My 'distance' as you call it, was to avoid temptation- on my part, not yours. I have found it difficult to cease thinking of you."

"Oh." she breathed. He reached out a hand, and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

"Whatever happens, Amanda." he said. "There is still one thing to look forward to. I will not allow this to ruin our bonding."

"I know you won't." she said. She then stood on her tiptoes to kiss him, and he leaned closer to meet her lips. The kiss was gentle- sad, but full of love, longing, and tenderness. When she pulled away, she rested her hands on his chest. "I'm going to miss you."

"As your emotions are likely to affect me through our link, then I suppose I can say 'likewise'." Sarek replied. She smiled, and gave him one last, brief kiss. Then he pulled away, his hands lingering on her waist longer than necessary- their eyes drinking their fill one last time as they met- before he turned for the door and left.

As she watched him go, Amanda realized that this scene was somewhat familiar to her. Once before, he had left for Vulcan from her apartment. That time, his departure had been bitter, sorrowful- full of despair. But this time...this time, she liked to think that it was full of hope, as she felt the reassuring weight of the ring on her left hand.

**A/N: If you didn't get to read the note I added on at the end of the last chapter, then I'll repeat it: If you want an early Christmas present, go look up TheSouthernScribe's "A Gift For You". It is a collaborative series of one-shots, and my contribution went up yesterday. Chapter three is a Christmas one-shot I wrote, featuring Sarek and Amanda...and someone else ;)**


	30. Distraction

**Chapter 30: Distraction**

It had only been three days since he left Earth, but Sarek was already 'missing' Amanda. He was certain that was only her own emotions echoing within him, but it did not change the fact that he did, indeed, miss her.

He had not yet met with the Council- the hearing was scheduled for Saturday evening. After that, the verdict would not be reached for several days yet, or it could be even longer- weeks. It was not preferable to wait so long to know his fate, but wait he must. The Council would decide in their own time, not his.

It was an interesting parallel, he thought. It had been over a month since he had been on Vulcan before, defending his relationship with Amanda. Now, he was not defending _her_- but his position as ambassador, although the situations were startlingly similar. He had secured her, and despite his current troubles, that knowledge filled him with peace and granted him a serenity that he had not felt in quite some time. She had accepted him...and one day, she would live with him in the very home he was now in- the mansion that had belonged to his clan for a thousand years. There was no one else he would rather share it with.

If he retained his post, it would be simple- they could remain on Earth throughout the first years of their marriage. But eventually...he would either be given another assignment, or it would be decided between them that it was time to attempt to conceive a child. Either circumstance would require them to live on Vulcan. The fact that she was willing to sacrifice her comfort to be with him, made him more determined than ever to make her happy. He knew only too well how difficult it was to live on an unfamiliar planet.

If he did _not _keep his ambassadorship, however...he was not certain how they would proceed. A year was a long time to wait, for the both of them- and communication would be limited to transmissions, which he was not pleased about. And even if they did manage to wait that long, he did not want to take her away from her life so soon...it would be much simpler if he kept his position, which would delay that inevitable event. Surely she wanted to spend more time on Earth before relocating to Vulcan.

He _wanted_ to contact her now, yet he could find no logical reason to do so, other than he simply wished to ascertain her well-being and ensure that she was not experiencing difficulties with the results of the article on Earth. But he had seen her only three days before, and even if there was something wrong, he could do nothing to correct it from here. There had been no important occurrences since his arrival to report to her, so he could not use that as an excuse, either.

He sat in a chair in his bedchamber, his hands folded before him- trying to find a reason to justify the action he wished to take. Three days was not long at all, and it could be quite some time before he returned to Earth-_ if_ he returned. If he could not quell the longing to see her now, how would he handle it for that amount of time?

It was both fascinating and disturbing, how much she affected him.

He stared at the comm-console, and then finally made his decision. There was no reason for it...but only _he_ knew that.

When nearly two minutes passed, and she had not answered, he leaned forward to disconnect- disappointed, but determined to try again at a later time. But just as he was about to end it, her face appeared on the screen.

"Sarek!" she said, slightly breathless, her cheeks flushed- as if she had rushed to the comm-unit. He noted that her hair was tangled and wet- she had been in the shower, and wore only a thin silk robe. This conjured inappropriate images of her in his mind, which he reluctantly stored away for later inspection.

"I have called at an inopportune time." he observed. "I can try again later, if you wish."

"Oh, no, it's fine." she said, settling onto the sofa and drawing her robe closer around her. He noted that she still wore the ring he had given her. He had not understood the need to give a piece of jewelry as proof of an engagement, but now he thought he might. It was a way to mark one's mate- much like Vulcan biting, only not as satisfying. "Have you spoken to the Council?" she asked.

"Not yet." he said. "I have nothing to report on the current situation."

Apparently, this amused her. Her eyebrows rose, and a smirk played across her mouth.

"I see." she said. "Have you called for any reason in particular?"

He did not reply right away- he had not thought that she would ask, and of course, he had no reason.

"My aim was to ensure that you are well." he finally said.

"I _am _well, now." she said, smiling.

"You have encountered no complications?" he asked. Her smile faltered for a moment, but then returned.

"I'm coping." she said. He tilted his head slightly to one side.

"Your reaction does not indicate a positive answer. Amanda, if you have had an experience that you found to be disturbing, do not hesitate to confide in me." he said. She looked away, down at her hands, then back up at him.

"I'm thinking about quitting the Embassy." she said.

"Has it become too difficult for you?" he asked.

"Everyone there stares at me- and I hear what they're saying. It's...unpleasant. Everyone's handling me like a china doll- and the things they say about _you_..." she paused, fidgeting with the sleeve of her robe. "I want to start over somewhere else."

"Amanda." he began. "It does not matter where you go. They will all know who you are, and they will know about our involvement. It will be no more comfortable for you anywhere else than it is there."

Although he would not admit it to her, he said this mostly because he knew the Embassy would not be the same without her, and if he _did_ return...he would find his days lacking, if she were gone.

"I know." she said with a sigh. "It was just a thought."

"Also, you would be unable to pay your expenses. As you have already made it clear that I am not to assist you in that area, then you cannot discontinue your current employment."

"I know, Sarek." she said, and rolled her eyes, but she was smiling.

"When we are bonded, will you allow me to dissolve your debts, then?" he asked. Her smile widened.

"Maybe." she said quietly. Her features, which had been tenser than usual when she first appeared on-screen, were now smoother, and she seemed calmer. "I miss you, Sarek." she whispered.

He could not say the words, so he once more attempted to send her his feelings over the link. When she smiled wider, he knew he had succeeded.

"How do you do that? It's like...the link gets stronger, and I can feel you...then it fades away again. I've tried to use it, but I can't."

"I have had many years of practice with a bond. Soon, you will be able to do the same, effortlessly." he said.

'This bonding...how exactly does it work? You've mentioned a few things before...I know that we'll be able to feel what the other is experiencing, but there's more to it, isn't there?"

"There is. We will be able to hear one another's thoughts, as well." he replied. Her eyes widened.

"At _all_ times?" she asked, and he sensed her alarm.

"Unless you do not want to. The bond can be blocked. I would not invade the privacy of your mind, Amanda."

"Oh." she said. She did not say anything for awhile, and only sat there looking at him- he wondered what she was thinking, for she seemed distant.

"Amanda?" he said. She blinked, and straightened.

"There's something else I should tell you." she said. "I forgot to take off the ring when I went in to work yesterday. So...I think everyone knows."

"We have nothing to hide. How is this an issue?" he asked. "And if the ring symbolizes your unavailability, I would prefer that you continue to wear it."

She smiled at that.

"I'm not going to take it off, Sarek. But you're right...it's not really an issue. I just wanted to let you know, before the news reaches Vulcan."

This news would hardly be interesting to the Council, however. He had not fully explained to her how Vulcan betrothals worked, and that according to Vulcans, they were not truly engaged.

Vulcan couples were betrothed at the age of seven- the betrothal was completed by the mating bond being placed in their minds to draw them together at the appropriate time. The marriage itself was a brief ceremony and the physical consummation of the bond in a cave. The marriage was usually conducted when the male was in the midst of his Time, and mating was required for survival.

"Do you still have no idea how long it will be before you have an answer?" her voice interrupted his thoughts, and he looked up at her.

"I do not. It could be days, or it could be weeks, before they decide. You will be the first to know, I assure you."

"They're not going to try to separate us again, are they? Because of the publicity?" she asked. He felt a dull pang of dread from her.

"I do not know. But if they try, their efforts are futile, as I will not allow myself to be separated from you." Sarek replied.

"I love it when you're so sure of yourself." she said, smiling once more. "Your determination is sexy."

His eyebrows rose at this. He did not understand how what he had said could be arousing to her...and yet, he could feel it over the link, so she definitely was. He tried to block it, but failed. It was beginning to affect him, and he was suddenly much more aware of the silk robe she wore...it was so thin that it was nearly transparent as it clung to her still-damp skin. Her breasts, especially, were clearly defined through the silk...

He forced his mind away from the place where it wanted to go. Why was he having so much difficulty with his arousal? Was it because he had never been so sexually attracted to another woman as he was to her? His lack of control over his thoughts when it came to her disturbed him. When he was not speaking to her or was nowhere near her, he was able to concentrate as easily as ever, but when he _could_ see her...he could concentrate on nothing else. It disturbed him each time.

He began to wonder if there was a way to justify sexual relations before their bonding. Perhaps it would enable him to think less about her in that way? Constant exposure would make him less apt to fantasize about it, and he would no longer be distracted...

"Sarek?" she asked, and he heard amusement in her tone. He realized that he had been staring at her silk-covered body for almost a minute now. Yet, he was not embarrassed- only aroused, which was not uncommon lately.

"Perhaps you should dress in less revealing clothing when speaking to me." he said. It was only a half-hearted suggestion, and she seemed to somehow know that.

"I could just...change right here." she said, eyes sparkling. He felt..._mischievousness_ from her. "It's nothing you haven't seen before, after all." she added, and his breath caught in his throat when her hand began to slowly part her robe, revealing a strip of bare skin. She stopped, and he exhaled. He was not sure if he was relieved...or disappointed. His thoughts were not logical...but his reaction was natural. It was not as if _he_ were behaving illogically, after all..._she_ was.

He realized that she was looking at him again- her head tilted, a sly smile curving her rosy lips.

"You know...sometimes, when human couples are apart and can only communicate like this, there's something they do. I don't expect _you_ to do it, but you could watch..."

He had no idea what she meant by this, but he was interested in finding out, as she was loosening the tie around her waist that held the robe together...

There was nothing illogical about watching her undress...he had been communicating with her, and it was through no fault of his own if she decided to become nude while he could see her. There was nothing wrong with watching her when she clearly desired him to.

She was just about to open the robe fully- her hands moving slowly, tantalizingly as she watched him and he watched her...and then the door to his bedchamber chimed.

Amanda sighed, and re-tied the robe. Sarek glanced at the door, and then back at her.

"I must go." he said. She nodded, and he sensed a flicker of her disappointment.

"We can continue this some other time." she said. He made note of this promise, and stored it away so that he could remind her. "Unless you're too uncomfortable with it." she added.

"To be uncomfortable with nudity is illogical." he replied- perhaps a little too quickly.

She laughed, although he was not sure why.

"I guess males of every species really are the same." she said, shaking her head. "Bye, Sarek." she said, chuckling, and he disconnected.

"Enter." Sarek said as he stood from his chair. There had better be a good reason for this interruption, he thought.

"Lady T'Pau has arrived. She must speak with you." said the male servant. He had not seen T'Pau since his arrival, as she had been in meditation in the caves. He was not enthused to talk to her, but he knew it was necessary.

Again, the parallel to his previous visit to Vulcan occurred to him as he left the bedchamber. Amanda called this feeling 'deja vu'. At that time, he had also confronted T'Pau. He already knew what she had to say...and he did not think it would be worth ending the interesting conversation with Amanda to hear it, but he must respect his matriarch.

"_Dif-tor heh smusma_, T'Pau." Sarek said as he entered the room. She was seated on a divan, her black eyes cold as they fell upon him.

"_Sochya eh dif_." she replied. He seated himself before her. "You have been careless, Sarek." she said without further ado.

"I am aware of that fact, T'Pau." he said.

"The Council- as they are apt to do when it concerns you- have once more charged me with seeing to your errors."

"That is to be expected, as you are my eldest family member." he replied. She shot him a look that clearly said he was not to speak further.

"While it is your downfall that you marked the human visibly- knowing that Terrans do not understand our ways- this is not entirely your doing. Humans are prone to what is called 'gossip'. They take comfort in spreading lies and misinterpreting even the most innocent of circumstances. Your human should have taken greater care to not facilitate these rumors. Because of the carelessness on both your parts, you may lose your prestigious position. This is a disappointment to me. This, of all things, should not be your undoing."

"This is not Amanda's fault. The error was mine, and mine alone." Sarek said. Indignation crept into his tone, and she looked at him, hard.

"Her emotions may be tainting you. This link is...unfortunate." she said.

"The link has nothing to do with this situation, T'Pau." he said. "Your implication that Amanda is at fault for our present dilemma, is."

"Is she aware of the link?" she asked, changing the subject.

"She is." he replied, frustrated at her diversion, as it was plain that she was only prying.

"And has she reached a decision about a future marriage?" T'Pau asked.

"She has. We are to bond." Sarek replied. T'Pau leaned back slightly.

"I see." she said. "And she is aware of all the facts? She knows about Pon Farr- and the fact that you will likely injure or kill her?"

Sarek was uncomfortable with how easy it was for T'Pau to mention Pon Farr in such a casual manner. _He_ had difficulties talking to Amanda about it- the one person he was most comfortable with, and who it would directly affect in the future.

"She is aware of it. I would not have allowed her to make a decision without all facts taken into consideration. She knows the dangers of it, and is still willing to bond with me."

T'Pau sat back on the divan, hands folded in her lap, brows lifted minutely.

"She knows you could kill her, and she still wishes to bond with you. Either she is a fool, which I do not believe, or she is determined. I am interested in meeting a human with such a level of resolve."

Sarek was not sure how to respond to that, but he did feel pride. The woman that was to be his wife may win the approval of T'Pau yet, despite her distinct disadvantage of not being Vulcan. He was well aware of how determined his Amanda could be. The fact that she was now betrothed to him was proof enough. A lesser human would have shrunk not only from the idea of Pon Farr, but from their tentative future as well.

"I did not come here to discuss the human, beyond her involvement in the present issue." T'Pau said. "I still do not approve of this match, but I have become resigned to the fact that there is nothing I can do to stop it. It would be illogical to continue to resist it, when you have made it so clear that you will not allow interference- despite the numerous reasons you should end your relationship with her now, one of which is the situation at hand. You are well aware of the disadvantages of taking a human wife, and do not appear to have changed your decision- despite the newest obstacles. So I shall turn to the reason for this meeting, instead."

Sarek was not surprised that she had once more mentioned her disapproval and the many reasons for it. He was certain that if she met Amanda, her opinion may change. Sarek returned his attention to T'Pau, who continued to speak.

"The Council has ordered an investigation to prove the speculation incorrect, and selected me to conduct it. I am to perform a mind meld to ensure that what the humans now assume is a fact, is invalid. Once I have ascertained this, I will report my findings to the Council, and they will issue a public statement disproving the Terrans' inaccurate view of events. This will, at least, put a halt to the lies, even if it will not help you."

"I understand the Council's disapproval. This has been detrimental not only to myself, but to them and our people as well." Sarek replied. "The Terrans will not forget this, and will now believe us all to be violent despite the image we strive to present."

"That is something you must discuss with the High Council at the hearing, when you defend your case- not to me. I am here only to perform the mind meld, to discover what went wrong." T'Pau's eyes bored into his. "You have caused much disappointment in me since you met this human- perhaps it is better that you lose something to remind you that there are things more important than a woman. While regrettable, this occurrence may be enlightening for you, and will put you back into perspective. You may have caused more damage than even you realize. I must know why this has happened- as it is clear that you were not thinking lucidly when you marked her. Do I have your permission for the meld?"

Sarek nodded once- knowing that he did not really have a choice. And- as once before- T'Pau placed her fingers on his meld points. Her presence encompassed his, and she began to look through his memories, seeking one in particular...He was deeply uncomfortable when she found it, knowing what she was about to witness...

_Amanda was biting into the flesh of his shoulder, and he was overwhelmed with the pain and pleasure of it. He should have been able to contain the dark urge to mark her, but he could __not...he was losing control. _Why_ was he losing control? This was unlike him. He was _always_ in control, no matter what, even when it came to her...was something wrong with him? Why was it so easy for her to have this effect on him? He must heed the urge-he could not fight it. He was now biting her- giving her the mark that would set into motion so many events when it would be revealed two days later..._

_ Then he was picking her up, carrying her into the bedroom- unable to think beyond the urge to take her. His lust was controlling him, even though he knew it shouldn't...he struggled to return to clarity, but he could not...and instead succumbed to his most primal instincts as he threw her onto the bed and tore her clothing from her..._

T'Pau withdrew. He could feel her confusion, as well as alarm- which, in turn, confused and alarmed him.

"Your relationship with this human is more dangerous that you realize, Sarek." she said. "Your desire for her is too strong."

"To desire is natural. But I could not control it at that time. My lack of control that day unsettles me, still."

"No...you could not control it." she agreed. "But do you not realize why?"

"There is no reason, other than my own weakness." Sarek disliked admitting it, but it was true.

"You are wrong." T'Pau sat back once more, her eyes trained on his. "There is a reason. You could not help it."

"I do not understand." Sarek replied. T'Pau tilted her head.

"Sarek, your physical closeness with this woman has imbalanced your hormonal levels, and affected your biological functions."

Sarek was beginning to comprehend where she was going with this...and if she was correct, this was not good.

"These changes are disrupting your mating cycle. While your Pon Farr may still be some time off, I do not believe it is as far away as previously believed. It may be months, yet...but not a full year."

"You are certain?" Sarek asked. He hoped she was wrong...

"Yes. I have melded with many Vulcans in various stages of their Time, Sarek. You are in the very beginning of yours...but the progression is slow. Much slower than I have ever encountered...it may have begun months ago, when you first began to touch her regularly. I did not realize this when we melded before. That is a failure on my part- but perhaps the evening in question and your subsequent imbalance of hormones sped up the process."

"Why have I not realized this myself?" Sarek asked, leaning back in his chair.

"The changes in you were subtle. Can you think of no instances in which you have been distracted without knowing why?"

He could think of plenty. Thoughts of Amanda that were of a sexual nature had consumed him since that Monday...and perhaps occasionally before then. Just twenty-three minutes previously, he had allowed her to begin undressing before him, merely so he could see her nakedness...he had been easily aroused for weeks, as well, something which he should have noticed to be abnormal. He had been physically uncoordinated the very same Monday he and Amanda had joined together, when he knocked the PADDs off his desk...

The evidence had been there all along. He had allowed his desires to overcome him more than once, recently- but that Monday, he had been totally at the mercy of his sexual desires. The possibility of early Pon Farr setting in explained so much...

"You are certain that I only have months before the emergence?" he asked.

"Considering the slow progress, I can say that I am 74.6 percent certain that the onset of Pon Farr will be within three months." T'Pau said without hesitation. "The release of adrenaline into your system has been gradual. This is not uncommon when Pon Farr arrives earlier than expected. You will continue to experience your current state of mind until your Time truly begins- and that could be at any time."

Sarek was now full of dread. He must tell Amanda...this changed things. There was now no certainty of when his Time would come. This would increase the pressure on her, and she would have to bond with him much sooner than they had thought...but he was powerless to stop it, and to make matters worse, he must endure the distractions she presented until his Time finally came. As long as he was not around her, this would not be an issue...but he could not simply sever their contact, nor did he want to.

"I have what I came here for." T'Pau said, standing. Sarek stood also. "And you have answers, as well. There is no need to inform the Council of the issues with your physical state. It will not hinder your abilities for some time."

Sarek found that he was unusually grateful toward T'Pau. She had discovered the reason for his inability to focus around Amanda- the reason for why had given in to her. Now that he knew it was not his fault, he felt...relieved. He had thought that he was becoming weak, but now he knew the truth. And even more than that- he was forewarned. This did, however, add one more problem to the growing list. It appeared that he simply would not be allowed a contented life- at least not anytime soon.

Once T'Pau was gone, he settled down in his chamber to meditate. He must think carefully of what he would say to the Council- and to Amanda. It was possible that his Time would be soon, and she would have to be prepared to leave for Vulcan immediately.


	31. Defend and Confide

**Chapter 31: Defend and Confide**

It was three minutes prior to the appointed meeting time with the Council.

Sarek had spent most of the past two days in meditation. He had long since reached a decision for what he would tell the Council- but the issue that was of a higher concern to him at the moment was telling Amanda about his looming Pon Farr, which he had still not formulated the correct words for. As much as he needed to concentrate on that, there was still the hearing that he must attend to. He had not forgotten the importance of it- but to him, it paled in comparison. He would rather lose his position as ambassador rather than experience early Pon Farr, but as he had no choice...

He waited alone in the antechamber; hands clasped behind his back, his posture as stiff and poised as ever. At any time, the double doors before him would be pulled open, and he would go before the Council. Vulcans did not experience nervousness...but what he was feeling was akin to that.

He did not know what they would say to him- or what decisions they may have already made. While this hearing was held to give him a chance to speak his part, he knew that it was only a formality. They had likely already reached a conclusion- or if they had not, then they were holding out only for his defense. They'd had plenty of time in the last eight days since they became aware of the editorial, to discuss it at length.

At the precise prearranged time, the doors swung open, and there came a deep, resonating voice from within the bowels of the chamber beyond.

"Ambassador Sarek, you may enter."

He stepped forward- the sounds of his boots against the marble floor echoing as he walked into the Council Chamber. He took his place before the raised platform, facing the elders seated above him- his fingers interlaced before him, as if in Human prayer.

"Once more, we have called you here to answer to your transgressions." the leader said.

Sarek was again aware of that sense of 'deja vu'. He did not reply to this statement, as it was quite obvious that he had once again erred.

"This time, it is not the questionable nature of your relations with a human, but the effect of said relationship on Vulcan and its people. We had been told, Ambassador, that you severed contact with the human, and were to bond with a Vulcan of high standing. We were uninformed that you continued your frivolous relations until this past week."

The accusation was delivered in a monotone, but Sarek could not escape the insult behind the seemingly innocuous words. He took a deep breath to calm himself. The relationship between himself and Amanda was hardly 'frivolous'- in fact, it was quite the opposite. Mentally, he cursed T'Pau for not informing the council of such. He spoke.

"When the plans for bonding with T'Para fell through, it was prudent to return to my preexisting relationship." Sarek replied. "The fact that you were uninformed was not due to my influence. T'Pau was aware of the situation, and I do not understand why she has not told you."

"Are you to bond with the human?" one of the elders asked, risen eyebrows the only indicator of emotion.

"I am."

Sarek wished he could blame his increasing frustration on the slow onset of Pon Farr, as it was irrational to be angered by this question. But he also knew that- for the moment at least- his biological changes were restricted to his currently over-sensitive sexual drive. It was not yet affecting his other functions, mental or otherwise. His frustration was his own.

"It is a relief to know that you have not endangered our image for an experiment, as was believed by many." the leader said. "Yet, this does not change the situation. You were careless, and marked your mate. As in the previous occasion where we met with you, there was photographic evidence of it. Humans would not understand our marking instinct. It is not unexpected that they interpreted it as they did."

It was the same exact thing T'Pau had already told him. None of it was new. Sarek continued to watch the leader, listening respectfully- albeit reluctantly, and with growing annoyance.

"T'Pau has told us that the evidence from the mind meld she initiated determined that it was not, as the Terrans believe, 'domestic violence'. This we already knew, but it was imperative to make the knowledge official. A public announcement is to be made, stating that the news article is incorrect- but without revealing the truth behind the mark. Attached will be a request for a retraction of the editorial. This should cease public speculation about the source of the human's contusion, although it will continue to affect personal opinion for an indeterminate amount of time."

The way the Councilman referred to Amanda as 'the human' irritated Sarek. It reduced her to insignificance- just one of billions. It was an inappropriate way to refer to the future wife of a member of a noble family. Amanda was not just another human. She was _his_ human. Unaware of the Ambassador's growing frustration, the council elder continued.

"As a result of this debacle, you may have marred Vulcan's dignified presentation to the Federation- perhaps permanently. If you had practiced caution and coached your mate in ways of discretion, you would not be standing before us now, in danger of losing all that which you have striven for. I warned you once that your actions directly affect this council and your home planet. The fact that you did not heed that warning is disturbing- to me, and to the rest of this council. We will allow you a chance to explain yourself, before we convene to make our final decision regarding whether or not to revoke your duties entirely. You may begin."

The leader fell silent, and folded his hands before him. Twelve pairs of disapproving eyes were trained on Sarek, who had not shown even so much as a hint of the resentment he felt towards them. As evenly as ever, he obeyed the command- his eyes boring just as evenly into those of the Council leader. He calmed his mood and began- his own voice icy and level.

"It appears the blame for an unforeseen event has fallen entirely on me. I am in understanding of your concerns that the article may damage Vulcan- I hold the same concern. Yet I cannot be reasonably held fully accountable. I only succumbed to the same instinct that each of us have experienced. This is a personal issue, and I would not ask _you_ to enumerate your motives, nor would I ask for an explanation as to the unfortunate placing of a mark. There was no way for me to know the mark would be seen. Therefore, the marking itself is none of your concern."

The Councilman straightened slightly- obviously affronted by Sarek's words. He only continued.

"It is unfortunate that it was noticed. It is even more unfortunate that the humans took such a negative view on it without proper investigation or evidence. The entire editorial itself was based upon speculation- a fact which the author admitted. If you wish to punish the culprit of the dire circumstance we find ourselves in, then I suggest that you meet with the Terran representative of the media that wrote this slanderous article. They are at fault, not I.

"If the work I have accomplished as ambassador to Earth has been unsatisfactory in any way- by all means, revoke my ambassadorship. But do not revoke it merely because a Terran reporter decided to fabricate a story with no evidence beyond a photograph that is hardly proof of their accusations. The article in question has created rumors, that is true- but I would not have expected gossip to concern the Vulcan High Council. To dwell on inaccurate information with little factual basis is illogical." He watched the Council members stiffen at the implication, but continued on.

"Once the article has been publicly invalidated- while there may still be personal reserves on the issue- there is no reason for it to affect Vulcan's diplomacy, nor would it weaken my abilities as its ambassador.

"In closing, I will make a proposal. If you wish to avoid circumstances such as these in the future- I submit that you provide funds for a separate Vulcan embassy on Earth. This would guarantee a substantial amount of privacy from the media, and would allow Vulcan envoys to operate in seclusion, which would be preferable. This is your decision to make, of course, but my logic is sound if you wish to prevent misunderstandings such as these."

He finished speaking. Silence rang in the chamber- the only sounds being that of the Council members' respiration and heart rates. No one moved. They each seemed to be in deep thought. Finally, the leader leaned forward and opened his mouth to speak.

"We will now deliberate our verdict. We will also discuss your proposal. You are dismissed, but be prepared to return at any time, Ambassador."

Sarek bowed his head in acknowledgment before turning to leave. He had said all he could possibly say to save himself, and his fate was in their hands. He found that he was not concerned about it. If they decided against him, it would be regrettable- but he would accept it. If they decided in his favor, it would be agreeable, and again he would accept it without question. But he found that he would not be strongly affected either way- he had already found what he sought, and that was a mate- Amanda.

He returned to his home, and settled down in the meditation chamber. Incense filled the room, pungent and spicy, but relaxing. He needed this time to think about Pon Farr, and how it would affect his relationship with Amanda. If he concentrated hard enough, he could pinpoint the imbalance within him...a tinge of disquiet, a disruption deep inside his mind. He could see how he had missed it before- it was very subtle, and only surfaced when presented with arousing stimuli, such as Amanda herself. He was grateful that the imbalance had not yet gone beyond the disadvantage of becoming easily aroused. But soon, it would begin to affect other things- his control being the most important and noticeable.

He had barely eased into the meditative state when the door chimed. He repressed the urge to sigh- a habit he must have gotten from Amanda- and opened his eyes.

"Enter." he called, wondering whether or not he should disable the door chimes in the chambers he frequented.

"_Osu _Sarek, the Council has attempted to contact you. They say they are ready." said the servant. Sarek was surprised- he had expected days, or even weeks, of deliberation. Not seventy-eight minutes. This was unprecedented- the Council always took much longer to reach decisions. He was not sure if this was a positive or a negative occurrence.

And so, he returned to the Council Chamber, which he had left not long before. Once more, he stood before them, waiting in silence- wondering what they had decided.

"Ambassador Sarek," the leader began. "We have considered everything you have said, and it has been decided that it would not be reasonable to remove you from your post. You have also brought to our attention that we should take this issue up with the media itself, as well as the Terran government, which we shall do. You have done nothing other than mark your mate, as is natural to our species, and the effects of the slanderous article in question were not your doing."

Sarek was almost stunned. That had been too easy...as Amanda would say, there must be a catch...

"Since you are to retain your position, we have also considered your request for a Vulcan embassy to be established on Earth. This is highly reasonable, and has been considered many times in the past, although it was never agreed upon. Upon further discussions, we shall begin plans."

He eyed the elders suspiciously. They had relented far too easily. True, his logic had been flawless, but he could not shake the feeling that he was about to say something Sarek would not appreciate- as illogical as feelings were, this one proved to be correct.

"There is, however, one stipulation." the council Chair said. He paused briefly, eyes on Sarek, who did not move so much as a muscle. Then he continued. "Until the after-effects of this...incident... have receded and the new embassy is complete, we will require you to remain on Vulcan. You can resume your work here, in the Terran embassy, and travel to Earth when necessary- but to avoid further negative publicity, you are not to stay on Earth for long periods of time until privacy can be ensured."

Sarek did not know what to say...it would only be temporary, but what about Amanda? He had intended for her to be on Vulcan for his Pon Farr, but not for any longer than necessary, as he had not believed that he would be there even for three months. It seemed he would be there much longer, and he was loathe to be separated from her for an indefinite amount of time. It was difficult enough as it was...

"Is there an estimated completion time for the embassy?" Sarek ventured to ask.

"We have not begun to discuss details, Ambassador, but I would estimate, at this time, that it will be several months." the Councilman said.

Several months. That was hardly definitive. He did not like the idea of being apart from Amanda for that amount of time- other than seeing her for the bonding and marriage ceremonies, of course...but he could not refuse.

"I accept this stipulation." he said. He would be bonded with her, after all...surely that would make it better? And perhaps once his Time was passed, he would find it easier to cope with the separation...several months may not be as long as it sounded.

"Then we are in agreement. Report to the Terran embassy in two days to begin. You are dismissed, Ambassador."

As Sarek left, he realized that he had 'gotten off easy' as his _ko-kugalsu_ would say.

And as for her...he could not put off the call any longer, now that he had the verdict. He dreaded the conversation...and what her reaction would be to everything he must tell her.

* * *

Amanda always slept in during the weekends. So when, early on Sunday morning, she was awakened by the sound of her comm-unit chiming, she was more than a little annoyed.

"Oh, come on, Sarah, you can't be serious." she growled, pressing her pillow over her head in an attempt to drown out the noise. But when it persisted, she sighed and threw the pillow at the unit. "I'm going to kill her." she mumbled as she sat up, shoving her hair away from her face. Sarah sometimes had a bad habit of calling early in the morning- despite Amanda's threats.

The week before had been long, and difficult. She had managed to get used to the stares and whispers at school and at work, even while she still did not like it- but the reporters were worse than ever. There were even a few who seemed to camp out in front of her apartment, waiting to bombard her with questions and take pictures as soon as she left. They waited for her at the shuttle stops, they waited for her to come out of the Embassy...they were practically stalking her. It had only gotten worse when they noticed the diamond ring. Representatives from the Women Against Violence movement had attempted to contact her more than once- trying to convince her to leave Sarek, and not let him 'force her to marry him'.

She hadn't told him just how bad it was...and it was getting worse all the time. She hoped it would die down soon- it was nerve-wracking, and she was tired of being in the spotlight.

Amanda stumbled as she got out of the bed, banging her knee hard against the end table. Wincing and cursing almost as bad as her sister, she hobbled over to the comm-unit, pressing the 'receive' button. When Sarek's face appeared, she almost fell over- rather ungracefully.

"Sarek!" she said, and sank down on the edge of the bed, nervously combing her fingers through her hair in a vain attempt to look presentable. She wished she'd had more time to get ready- she must look like a mess. "Why are you calling again so soon?"

"I have information of importance." he replied. She felt a sudden surge of nervousness from him, and she frowned- forgetting all about her disheveled appearance.

"What's wrong?" she asked softly. He looked at her, apparently weighing his words before responding.

"I have kept my position." he replied. Relief flooded her.

"So when will you come back?" she asked. He paused again, giving her enough time to start to dread what he would say next.

"I am not to return." he replied. "The Council has ordered me to stay here until all negative publicity regarding me has diminished, and the construction of a separate embassy is complete."

His words took a moment to sink in. She stared at the screen, and then swallowed hard.

"You're not coming back." she repeated.

"The estimated time was 'several months'." he replied, almost bitterly. She looked away.

"I understand." she said, but she was overwhelmed with disappointment. It was great news that he would not be stripped of his title, but she had so wanted to see him...

"There is...something else." he said, his voice lower than before. She looked back up at him.

"There's more?" she asked, her heart sinking.

"Yes." Sarek looked at her, and she felt his nervousness again for a moment before the link again died. "Amanda, I do not know how to tell you this...T'Pau discovered something when she entered my mind."

"Doesn't she always?" she asked, a small smirk tugging at the corners of her mouth, even though she was more worried than ever.

"She found that...due to our close physical contact over these months, I am to experience my Time much sooner than expected."

Amanda stared at him...she finally realized that she had stopped breathing, and took a deep breath.

"How..._how_ soon?" she asked, dread shooting through her with a pang.

"I am unsure, but it could be at any time within the next three months." he replied. His face had not changed, but she knew he was as concerned as she was.

"Three months...or less..." she whispered. She had thought that she had a whole year to accustom herself to the idea of Pon Farr and the dangers of it. She wasn't at all ready for it at this time...she had been _banking_ on that year's time. This was too soon...much too soon.

"You're sure?" she asked faintly.

"Yes. This is why I was unable to control myself that day." he replied. There was no need for him to elaborate- she knew what day he referred to. "Amanda...this means that we must bond much sooner than we originally believed. I apologize. I had intended for you to have as much time as you required."

She realized that _he_ had been banking on that year, too. She knew he didn't want to hurt her any more than she wanted to be hurt. In actuality, this situation may be worse for him than it was for her.

"Sarek...when do I have to come to Vulcan?" she asked. He shifted in his chair, and she felt..._surprise_ from the link.

"I expected you to have difficulty with this." he said.

"I _am_ having difficulty with this." It was true. She was scared. She wasn't ready for Pon Farr...and it could happen at any time. "But that doesn't mean I'm going to shrink from it. I said we're going to get through this, and I meant it. I don't want you to die. I'm going to help you. When will you need me on Vulcan?"

He did not say anything. He was gazing at her, as if in wonderment. She gave him a small smile as an idea came to her, and she continued.

"It would only be _logical _that I be there when you go into it, and I can't be prepared to leave at all times. Spring break starts next week, and once my exams are over I can come. The university has their courses online, and I can transfer to the program. If you want, I could even finish up my final semester _there_, and I'll stay until you're allowed to return to Earth. If you have to keep out of the public eye, I should, too."

"Amanda...you need not make such a sacrifice for me." Sarek said quietly. "You can come to assist me, and then return to Earth if you do not want to stay."

"I misspoke. I shouldn't have said if _you_ want me to stay. I should have said 'because_ I_ want to stay'." she said. She didn't want to be on Earth any longer- not when the media followed her everywhere and everyone thought he abused her. She wasn't sure that she was ready to bond with him yet- but she did not have a choice. She wasn't going to let him die just because _she_ wasn't ready for it. This was about him, not her.

She would just have to _make_ herself ready for it. Besides, she didn't want to wait 'several months' to see him again on a regular basis. This way, she would be married to him sooner- which meant she would soon live with him, too, and see him every day. She wasn't averse to that idea. "I have only one question." she said.

"Then ask." he said. His voice was far softer than normal- and she could now feel what he was feeling again. He was grateful, and full of affection for her. The warm emotions filled her, making her feel better than she had felt in days.

"Is this my fault?" she asked. He sat up straighter, his eyebrows drawing together, and she felt _confusion_. "I mean- you said this is because of contact with me."

He did not reply right away. He watched her, his head tilted, the smallest of frowns playing about his mouth.

"The fault is both of ours." he said. "Do not attempt to blame yourself, Amanda."

"Then explain it." she said, sitting back and folding her arms.

"Every time we kissed, and every time I came in contact with your skin while you were aroused, my hormonal levels rose, and I had to correct them. Usually, I only experience such changes during the Time. My body is unused to such constant fluctuations, and it interrupted my cycle- confusing my brain into thinking it was time for Pon Farr. My hormonal levels are still higher than normal- especially after the day that we mated, and this will trigger early Pon Farr."

"So this _is_ my fault, I don't care what you say. I kissed you first- I initiated all of our physical contact, even while knowing you weren't really comfortable with it." She was angry at herself.

"You did not always initiate the contact. I could have easily refused it. I did not, even though it was illogical to continue on in such a way. And I have never said I was uncomfortable with it."

"It's still my fault." she said stubbornly. From the feeble link, she felt amusement and consternation that she was persisting.

"As admirable as it is that you insist on placing the blame on yourself, it is not entirely your fault." he replied. Then he hesitated. "Amanda...you are not attempting a strange Human joke when you say that you will come to Vulcan for the duration of my stay?"

"Sarek." she said, and smiled. "I wasn't joking. And besides, what sort of wife would I be if I married you, and then left you by yourself for months? Not a very good one. This is a good chance for us to get used to marriage."

"I sense that you are still disturbed." he said, his dark eyes searching her face.

"I'm not going to lie...I _am _afraid. But that's not going to stop me. Not when you need me most." His eyes seemed to soften as they looked at her...they had never looked like that before.

"I am not...comfortable, with pressing you into this." he said quietly.

"You're _not _pressuring me, if that's what you think." she said. "I'm volunteering. And it's not like we weren't going to get married anyway. It had might as well be sooner rather than later."

He was silent, still staring at her as if he had never seen anyone quite like her. When he spoke again, his voice was still gentle.

"I was apprehensive as to how you would react. I am relieved that you accept the situation as it is. I suggest that you make preparations to leave the university, and you may send the belongings you will not require to my Terran residence for safekeeping. You should also inform the Embassy that you will cease your employment. I will handle your transportation."

She was smiling widely...was this really happening? Was she making plans to move to _Vulcan_, even if only temporarily?

"I'll do that." she said. "I'll start today."

"I must go. I must see to your reservations." he said. He leaned forward, preparing to end the call.

"Fine." she said, already making a mental list of the things she would have to do.

"And...thank you." he said. She raised her eyebrows.

"There's no need to thank me. Go, Sarek. We both have a lot to do." she said. He nodded once. "And Sarek? I love you."

He looked at her, and she thought she saw the corners of his mouth lift slightly, before he sent her a stream of affection, tenderness, and gratitude. Then he disconnected the comm-link, and she was looking at a blank screen.

She laid back on the bed, looking up at the ceiling. If ever there was a whirlwind romance, this was it. They had only been dating for four months, total, and had known each other almost seven months. The engagement was rushed enough...but now, soon, they were going to be married. Most people would say it would never work, because it was so sudden. But those people didn't have a mind link with a Vulcan. Did it really matter how long they had been together, as long as they loved each other? Would they be any more ready for marriage a year from then, than they were now?

She didn't have a choice in the matter, true...but she found that that didn't even faze her. The only thing that worried her was Pon Farr- what Sarek may do to her during it, and the effect it would have on the both of them.


	32. Journey to Vulcan

**A/N: Okay, I just want to point something out here. I was looking over Essential last night, and I thought it would be a good idea to point out now that I have changed several details since writing that story in regards to this one. A lot of ideas that I presented there just didn't fit once I started TVW, so that's why I made changes. I will eventually go back and edit Essential to allow for that, but until then, just keep that in mind.**

**Also, the wonderful Philotic_net has drawn some more lovely fan art. This is an illustration of chapter 22:**

**http://philotic-netDOTdeviantartDOTcom/art/taluhk-nash-veh-k-dular-145461432**

**Replace the DOTs with periods :) Thank you, Philotic_net!**

**Chapter 32: Journey to Vulcan**

Amanda triumphantly threw the last item from her desk into the waiting crate. It was cluttered full of PADDs, styluses, data slates, and framed holographs of her mother, father, and sister. She felt like she was not only purging her desk- she was liberating herself.

The Embassy had never been her favorite place, and now with Sarek gone, it was her_ least_ favorite. She was glad to be free from it. She had submitted her resignation as soon as she arrived that morning- and after one last day of work, she was ready to leave.

She sealed the box, and then looked around. They had yet to find a replacement for her- hell, they had never even found one for Karen, who had been gone for months. That was _their_ problem, not hers. By the time she returned from Vulcan, she would have her degree and would be able to find employment elsewhere. No more answering comm-lines, scheduling appointments for ambassadors, or running all over the building with PADDs that needed to be signed. It was over, and she was relieved.

She hoped that when they returned, the whole thing would have blown over- or at least, mostly. She knew it would never be completely over. Years down the line, it would still be mentioned in articles pertaining to them. She knew that, and accepted it. There would be repercussions from this ordeal, but she would deal with them when they arose. Right now, she needed to look on the bright side of things.

"Grayson?" came Linette's voice from the doorway. Amanda turned to her former boss, prepared for whatever she might say. "Do you have a moment?"

Amanda was immediately wary. She and Linette had never really gotten along, although things had improved after Karen's departure. Deciding that she had nothing to lose, she nodded her head and followed Linette into her office down the hall.

"Close the door." Linette instructed as she went behind her desk. Amanda obeyed, and then turned to the other woman.

"I really need to be going, Linette." Amanda said. "I have a lot to do this week, and I should be getting started."

"What's the rush? Going somewhere?" Linette asked, arching an eyebrow.

"I am, actually. I'm trying to get away from nosy reporters." Amanda replied, a hard edge to her voice. "And other equally-nosy people."

"I figured as much." Linette said with a nod. She remained standing, not sitting at her desk as she usually did. She didn't even take offense at her last statement. "You know, I didn't believe that editorial one bit. I know you wouldn't let someone push you around like that. Besides, I can't imagine a Vulcan trying to strangle anyone- no matter the circumstances. From what I know, they're opposed to violence in all forms. So I knew it was bullshit- I wanted to tell you that, so you know that not everyone believes what the media spews out. I figured you might take some comfort in that."

"I don't need comforting from you, or anyone else." Amanda replied. "What matters is that _I_ know the truth."

"That's good and all, but sometimes reassurance helps." Linette said. "If you didn't know already, the L.A. Chronicle retracted today, and the writer of that article has been suspended without pay- they might end up fired. That should teach them not to mess with the Vulcan ambassador- and indirectly, the High Council. From what I heard, they're pissed. Well..." she gave a sardonic smile. "As pissed as Vulcans can get, anyway. I heard a couple ambassadors talking about it today. The Terran government is getting some backlash about reining in the media."

"I've learned to stop reading the news." Amanda said. "I tend not to like what's being said, these days. It's not just the L.A. Chronicle any more- they've all picked up the story."

"And they'll be dealt with, too." Linette said, nodding slowly. "They always are when crap like this happens- and trust me, it's not the first time. And I doubt it will be the last."

"Is there any other reason you called me in here?" Amanda asked. She really did need to go- the application for transference into the online course program was due by the end of the day, if she wanted it processed before the start of the next quarter. _And_ she had midterms to study for. _And_ she needed to start packing. Moving to another planet required a lot of work, and she only had a week.

"I know I've never made it easy for you to work here." Linette said. "But that's my job. And really...you were a good worker. It's not going to be easy to find someone to replace you- and I don't mean your job, I mean your work performance."

Amanda's eyebrows rose.

"You know, you could have told me all this before." she pointed out.

"And let it go to your head, like Karen did?" Linette snorted. "No chance, Grayson. But good luck, wherever you're going. I suspect you're heading off-planet, but I'm trying not to be one of the nosy people you're escaping from."

"In that case, I guess I can tell a secret. I'm going to Vulcan." Amanda said.

"Not much of a secret. Won't take the reporters long to figure it out." Linette said with a shrug. "They'll notice when you disappear off the face of the earth- literally."

"It won't matter if they notice." Amanda said. "Is that all?"

"You can go." Linette said, waving her hand at the door. Amanda turned to leave, and had barely stepped outside when Linette called after her again.

"And Grayson?"

Amanda looked over her shoulder at her. Linette's eyes were on the glittering ring on her left hand. "If you have a Terran wedding...invite me, will you? It's not every day you witness a Vulcan and a human get married."

Amanda gave her a small smile. "Will do." she replied, and then turned to leave. She hadn't really considered a Terran wedding, but now that she thought about it...she would have to take that up with Sarek.

She retrieved her box of possessions from the office, and for once, the gazes that followed her down the corridor and across the lobby didn't bother her at all. She was done with that place.

* * *

It was another difficult week. It wasn't easy to balance studying with packing- but she was pulling it off.

Most of her belongings were going to be shipped to Sarek's house. Some of it was going to be sold or given away- including the sofa that held so many fond memories. She found that she was reluctant to part from it, but part from it she did.

She kept in contact with Sarek all week, talking to him almost every day- the pretense being that she needed to know what to bring to Vulcan and what the plans were, although both of them knew that he just wanted to see her. Amanda knew this because their conversations always lasted longer than necessary, and usually he would have ended the call as soon as she had the information she needed.

She hadn't resumed the 'conversation' she began during their first communication, although _he_ had tried to slyly hint at it. Of course, he would never _admit_ to 'slyly hinting' but that was exactly what he had been doing. So she informed him that since he was going to see her soon, there was no need to continue what she had started. She'd had to stifle a laugh at the disappointment she felt from him.

As much as she liked talking to him on the comm-console, it was a poor substitute for seeing him in person. So as the end of the week drew near- and so did Monday, the day she would leave- she began to become excited. She had expected nervousness, and perhaps fear, but not excitement. Thoughts of Pon Farr and imminent marriage were pushed out of her mind as she considered the fact that she would see Sarek again. And hopefully, he wouldn't be as distant with her as he had been before his departure for Vulcan. She didn't think he would be- his detachment had been mainly due to his confusion over what had happened. Now, he knew what the cause of his behavior was, and that it was not his fault. She vaguely wondered if he would even be agreeable to scratching that itch he was currently bothered by...

Amanda slogged her way through her exams, and as each day passed her possessions were packed away and boxes began to pile up in her living room. By the time Sunday came, all there was left to do was wait...and finally do something she had put off all week. She had dreaded it, as she knew what her sister's reaction would be. She knew that she should have told her sooner- but she also knew that if she had, Sarah would not have rested from trying to convince her to stay.

"What's all this?" Sarah asked as she stepped into the apartment. She stared at the stacks of crates, and then turned to Amanda with her hands on her hips. "I got your message, but it would have been nice if you had _explained_ why you asked me to come over."

"We need to talk." Amanda replied. As the sofa was now gone, Sarah sat on a white crate near the door, although her sister remained standing.

"Go ahead. Are you moving, or is this just spring cleaning?"

"I'm moving." Amanda said.

"About time! You need to get away from this dump. With that sugar daddy of yours, you could afford a penthouse in Nob Hill."

"Sarek is not a..." Amanda sighed. "Never mind. I'm not moving to a penthouse."

"Where are you moving to, then?" Sarah asked, leaning over to rifle through the contents of a partially-filled box. Amanda slapped her hand away and closed the lid.

"Vulcan." she replied, deciding that it was best to just come right out and say it. Sarah, who had been rubbing her injured hand, stopped and looked up at her reproachfully.

"Stop joking." she said. "And what the hell did you hit me with? That hurt..."

Sarah grabbed her left hand, and stared. Amanda snatched it away and folded her arms so that the engagement ring was no longer visible.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Sarah asked angrily, standing up. "We've talked a lot on the holo these last few weeks, and you didn't say a word! When did _that _happen?"

"It was...a couple weeks ago. When he left." Amanda said, looking down at the floor.

"So let me get this straight." Sarah said, eyes smoldering with fury as she glared at her sister. "You're moving to Vulcan because you're _engaged_?"

"Not just because of that...it's also to get away from the publicity until it dies down a bit. You haven't been reading the news? Everyone knows about the ring..."

"I've been staying away from news feeds, for your sake!" Sarah hissed. "And of course they know about the ring- how could they miss it! That's the biggest damn rock I've ever seen!"

"Now _that's _a lie." Amanda said indignantly. "The diamond is _not _that big."

"Well, it's definitely bigger than any I've seen in real life!" Sarah exclaimed.

"You didn't expect Sarek to get me something cheap, did you?" she snapped. Then she sighed, shaking her head. "That's besides the point, Sarah. I have reasons for going. Sarek can't come back until it dies down, either, and then he has to wait for a Vulcan embassy to be built. So I'm joining him there, and we're getting married soon. Within a few months."

"_What_?" Sarah asked, her eyes widening. "You're moving kinda fast, don't you think?"

"No, I don't think we are. We're moving at a pace that's suitable for us." Amanda replied. She knew not to mention Pon Farr- Sarek had had a difficult time telling _her_. He wouldn't want her to tell anyone, even her sister. It was a private matter, between the two of them.

Sarah did not say anything right away. She stared at Amanda for several long seconds, before she wet her lips and began to speak- her voice low, but laced with anger.

"So you're saying that you're moving to an entirely different _planet_, to marry a man I've never even _met_? You're leaving behind the only family you have? For _what_? A mansion? Jewelry? A chance to live a life of luxury instead the shitty life we've always had? And you're going to just _spring_ this on me- not telling me until the last second? Like a fucking afterthought?"

Amanda's jaw clenched, and her hands balled up into fists.

"You know me better than _anyone_. I would never marry someone for their wealth. Believe it or not, I _love_ Sarek. _That's_ why I'm marrying him. I couldn't care less about the amount of credits he has in his account." she replied coldly. "And I didn't tell you because I knew this was how you would react. Negatively, as always."

"Maybe, maybe not. But that doesn't change the fact that you're abandoning _me_, your only sister! If you leave, I'm not going to have _anyone_! At least you would have _him_. But I don't even have that!"

Amanda could see that Sarah's tough veneer was crumbling. As fierce and brave as she always appeared to be, there was a softer side to her that was easily hurt. That side was beginning to show, as tears gathered in her eyes.

"If you go, I'm going to be alone. I've never been alone. There was always Mom and Dad...and then you. They're gone now...are you leaving me, too?"

Amanda didn't know what to say to that. Sarah tried so hard to seem independent, but she really wasn't. She and Amanda had always been close- even when they went weeks without talking. They had only had each other ever since their mother's death almost three years before. She didn't want to leave her- but Sarah was an adult.

"Sarah...you don't need me. You can do fine on your own. I have my own life to lead, and you need to start yours, too. You can't expect me to hold back for you. And it's not like we'll never see each other again. This move is temporary- just until the embassy is complete. Until then, we can talk on the comm." Amanda's voice was low, soothing, and she reached out a hand to touch Sarah's shoulder, but she jerked away.

"It may be temporary _now_, but it probably won't be in the future. You'll eventually decide to stay there, with him." she said bitterly.

"Then that would be my decision. Sarah, I'm not going to change my mind about this. I _want_ to marry him, and I _want _to go to Vulcan to be with him. I want to be happy. It's selfish of you to insist that I don't go. I'll be back within a year, I promise."

Sarah regarded her silently. Then she nodded slowly, her eyes sliding away from Amanda's.

"Fine." she said, but by the way she said it, Amanda knew it wasn't really fine, nor was it likely to ever be. She turned toward the door. "Now that you've told me your plans, I'll be going now. I'm spending my spring break on campus."

Amanda wanted to make her stay, but she knew she couldn't. She watched helplessly as her sister headed for the door. She stopped just before it, and turned back.

"You want to know why I never liked the Vulcan?" Sarah asked, and Amanda saw that her expression had hardened again- her tough shell was back in place. "I knew he was going to take you away from me. I knew from the very beginning. You used to be so depressed all the time- then, all of the sudden, you were smiling and laughing whenever we talked or met up. I knew he was the _one, _and that you would do anything for him. I should have known this exact moment was coming. I can't say I blame you- it must be nice, knowing that you'll never be alone again, and that you'll always have someone there for you. _I_ don't have that luxury, apparently."

For a moment, she looked as if she might say something further- but instead, she turned and left, leaving Amanda alone. She wondered, with a sinking heart, if Sarah would ever forgive her...

* * *

Amanda had never been off-planet before. This was a whole new experience for her- and it would have been nice to be sharing it with someone other than the silent, unmoved woman seated beside her.

Early that morning, a hover-car had pulled up in front of her apartment, and two Vulcans had approached her door- one of which she was familiar with, as she had seen T'Shan many times when she visited Sarek's home. The other was a male who began to load what she would be taking with her into the hover-car, while T'Shan explained her presence.

"_Osu_ Sarek has ordered me to accompany you to Vulcan. I am to remain there, as he has charged me with the duty of teaching you to speak our language and how to behave appropriately. You are ill-prepared to be a Vulcan's wife."

Amanda had been rather annoyed by this. That was the whole reason why she had wanted to wait to marry him- she knew she wasn't ready, not just mentally, but knowledge-wise as well. She had a lot to learn. She didn't need her to point out her inadequacy to her.

Amanda was not displeased when she watched her apartment shrink away for the last time and disappear around a corner. She felt like she had left behind a part of her life- and was starting another. She supposed that was exactly what she was doing. This was her chance at a new life- not a life of luxury, as Sarah had said, but a life of potential happiness that she would have to strive for.

They had gone to a shuttle station from there, and were taxied up to the Starfleet space dock. Awaiting them, had been a chartered vessel that would take them to Vulcan.

She should have known, she thought as she looked around her once she was seated, that Sarek would spoil her when it came to the transportation. She would have been content with low-class seating on a public space transport. She had even told him so, but he seemed to have gone for the exact opposite.

The small ship was privately owned, and obviously catered only to the wealthy. The seating area held plush chairs and sofas, and there was a table covered in platters full of snacks, as well as dispensers that had fresh drinks- not replicated, but authentic. The furnishings were gilt and old-fashioned, giving off a pleasant ambiance.

The corridor beyond the room led to various sleeping quarters for long journeys, as well as a refresher room and a fully-equipped kitchen. It was, essentially, a house on a space ship- a very _nice_ house. Furthermore, they were the only passengers- Sarek had booked it solely for her and T'Shan's use, and since she was sure that the Federation would not cover the expenses, he was obviously paying for it himself. It was as if he were saying:_ "Now that we are to bond, I will surround you with lavishness, and you can do nothing to stop me."_

"Sarek, you show-off." Amanda muttered, shaking her head slightly, a small smile forming on her lips. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw T'Shan look at her peculiarly. She decided not to explain herself, and instead looked out of the observation window.

They were just entering warp, and she watched as the bright specks of light that were distant suns moved past them. It was a twelve-hour journey to Vulcan- and she wished that she had a better conversational companion than T'Shan. Otherwise, she was left to her thoughts, which kept returning to her sister, and their conversation the day before...

She knew that she was leaving Sarah by herself, and she did feel guilty about that. Yet at the same time- she was angry, because Sarah obviously seemed to think that she should forfeit her own happiness for hers. She shouldn't have to give up on her future just because Sarah felt that she couldn't survive without her, when she so plainly could. She was being selfish.

Amanda took a breath and let it out, resting her head against the back of her seat and closing her eyes. She needed to stop dwelling on what she couldn't change- her sister. She was going to Vulcan, and she was going to help Sarek, at her own risk, and she was going to marry him. If that upset Sarah, then so be it.

She found things to do during the journey- she took a nap, read an entire e-book that she had been meaning to get to for a long time, and even dared to attempt to engage T'Shan in conversation.

"What will you be teaching me, other than your language?" she asked. T'Shan looked at her, dark eyes searching Amanda's face before replying.

"I will teach you what is proper behavior among Vulcans. You must restrict your tendency to show emotion while in public, as well as many other things."

""What do you expect me to do- turn into a Vulcan?" she asked, unable to keep a hint of incredulity from her tone.

"No, as that is clearly impossible. You are human, and to become Vulcan is scientifically unfeasible." T'Shan replied. Amanda stared at her...sometimes, she forgot how literal Vulcans could take things. Probably because Sarek had learned not to take what she said so literally. She was beginning to realize something- other Vulcans would be different from Sarek, who she was used to, and comfortable with- and who had learned much about humans from her. He understood her and her ways...these other Vulcans would not.

After that, she decided not to attempt conversation again. Time passed slowly and silently in the seating room, until finally, at long last...

"We are dropping out of warp to orbit Vulcan. Please gather your luggage and prepare to exit through the transporter room." the pilot's voice floated out of the intercom mounted next to the door.

Amanda was more than relieved as she followed T'Shan out into the corridor and down to the said transporter room, which only had enough space for two on the platform. Within moments, the Andorian pilot had joined them, and prepared to beam them down to the surface.

She stood on the platform, laden down with her bags as white transporter light swirled around her. There was a peculiar feeling...as if ants were crawling all over her body, and then she opened her eyes, which she did not even remember closing. She was in a transporter receiving station. She stepped down off the platform and blinked as she looked around.

"Come this way." T'Shan said, and began to lead Amanda through the empty building, toward double doors. As soon as she stepped outside, she was overcome by stifling heat, and she found that she could barely take a breath from the thin atmosphere.

She stumbled slightly, but T'Shan hardly seemed to notice. She was leading her toward a waiting hover-car, and Amanda anxiously looked- but she was disappointed. The Vulcan who stood waiting outside the vehicle was not Sarek.

She had thought he would come get her himself. Now that she thought about it, she wasn't sure why. He had never said as much during any of their previous conversations- she had simply _assumed_ he would be there...

Amanda wondered why he hadn't, though. He obviously missed her- or else he would not have called her nearly every day. It would have made sense that he be there to see her as soon as possible.

Heavy with both the heat and disappointment, Amanda allowed the Vulcan to take her things, and before she climbed into the hover-car, she finally had a chance to observe the surrounding city- Shi'Kahr.

The sky and even the fine, powdery sand were tinged red. The buildings were made of red stone- the architecture of a strange design; all sharp angles and graceful arches that contrasted to create an effect that was at once both archaic and elegant. She had never seen such buildings before- soaring high over her head- foreign, yet beautiful.

"We must go." the Vulcan male said to her, and she tore her eyes from a towering structure to slide into the backseat of the hover-car.

They drove in silence- Amanda looking out the window as they navigated the streets, heading towards the outskirts of the city. She noticed several differences between Vulcan and her home planet as she did so- for one, there were no children out playing in the streets. What few Vulcans she did see were adults- walking solemnly toward their destinations- not stopping to speak to one another, as it would have been an unnecessary distraction. The one child she did see was just as stoic as they...

She would have to become used to seeing blank faces, she thought sadly. This was the life she had chosen- one among Vulcans. Even though this particular stay was temporary, Sarah was right- eventually she would opt to live here with Sarek permanently. She would have to accustom herself to non-emotionalism.

The large buildings were gradually being replaced with smaller ones- homes, she realized, although the architecture was still very similar. Soon the dwellings were becoming farther apart, less clustered, and they were increasing in size, surrounded by tall fencing...

After several more minutes, the hover-car slowed and turned in toward a pair of gates, which automatically opened. Amanda straightened in her seat, every muscle in her body tensing as she thought: This was it...

It was a large mansion- made of stone dyed red by the crimson light, and constructed in the same architectural style she had seen in the city- soaring arches, sharply angled corners- a blend of practicality and aesthetic beauty. This building looked ancient- far older than those in the city. It looked...entirely Vulcan.

As she stepped out of the hover-car, craning her neck to keep as much of it in sight as possible, the realization struck her...

This was her home.


	33. Adjustments

**A/N: Here's a nice long one for you...**

**Chapter 33: Adjustments**

Amanda was led through the tall double doors into an expansive entry hall- the floor and walls were made of light-gray stone, and the chamber was devoid of any ornament or decoration, other than a line of smooth, rounded pillars on each side that held up the vaulted ceiling, lost in shadows high above. Pneumatic doors led from the entrance hall into a series of rooms beyond, and T'Shan led her toward one in particular.

She now found herself in a gathering room- or, as she would rather call it, a living room. Chairs and divans were situated neatly around the chamber, and there was a wall of glass windows that afforded a view of the red desert that stretched clear toward the horizon.

She had half-expected Sarek to be waiting for her there...but he was not. He was likely at the Terran embassy attending to his affairs, and she knew that was more important, but she couldn't help but feel a little disappointed. Maybe when she _did_ see him again, they would be alone- which would be preferable.

T'Shan took her through the living room and to yet another door- this one led to a corridor. At the end was a flight of stairs that led to the upper levels. As they ascended, she quickly discovered that the intersecting corridors were like a maze- and considering the sheer enormity of the mansion, it was going to take a lot of memorization to find her way around. With every step, and each revealed hallway, her stomach sank further.

"This is your bedchamber." T'Shan said, stopping abruptly in the middle of the hall beside a door. "There is an intercom unit inside. When you require something, use it to ask for assistance. You are to take this time to place your belongings. The evening meal is served at dusk- someone will come for you at that time."

Amanda watched as the Vulcan man who had followed them entered her quarters and set her luggage down before leaving. She then looked back at T'Shan- she wanted to ask her when Sarek would be home, but something about the woman's appearance swerved her. She appeared to be the same age as Sarek, but perhaps she was older- and her eyebrows were more severely arched, giving her a more austere presence. For this reason, she had usually avoided her when at Sarek's house on Earth.

T'Shan's eyes were leveled on Amanda's, almost as if daring her to ask a question, although she knew that wasn't the case.

"Thank you." Amanda said. T'Shan tilted her head.

"I am unsure as to the expected response, but I believe it is 'you are welcome'."

"It is." Amanda said, and smiled. T'Shan stared at her, as if she had never seen a smile before- and Amanda was sure that she _hadn't_ seen many.

T'Shan turned and left her alone in front of her chamber, and she watched until the Vulcan woman was gone before going inside.

There was a bed, as well as a comm-unit and a computer console. The walls were bare- but that was no matter, she could hang pictures there. There was a doorway that led into a spacious bathroom, and a pair of double doors that led onto a small balcony- a pleasant surprise, although she wasn't sure how often she would go out there, considering the oppressive heat that seemed to insulate the entire planet like a blanket. The last door led to a storage space for her clothing, and that was where Amanda turned to first to begin her unpacking.

She quickly located the electronic panel beside the closet that changed the temperature settings for the room, and gratefully turned it down to a tolerable level. She enjoyed the blast of cool air as it surrounded her while she worked to put away the few clothes she had brought with her. Sarek had told her that it would be necessary for her to wear Vulcan apparel while in company of guests or in public, but at any other time she was welcome to wear whatever she wanted. As a result, she hadn't brought many Terran items of clothing- and she discovered that there was already a full Vulcan wardrobe awaiting her. Of course, he would have known her measurements, and a week had been sufficient time for a Vulcan seamstress...

She ran her fingers over the gowns and robes that hung in the closet- some were made of a thin, silky material; others a rough weave, and still more a cotton-like cloth; as well as a few that had stiff corsets and were reminiscent of Terran Renaissance-era gowns. She had never owned anything so expensive- or alien. The styles were unlike anything she had ever seen, but she had only worn one Vulcan dress in her lifetime- back on that fateful day when she and Sarek first kissed, and her clothes had been wet, leaving her with no choice but to wear the gown given her.

She smiled to herself at the memory, and then resumed her unpacking until most of her things were put in their new places. By that time, the sun didn't seem to be any nearer to setting- so she had nothing to do until dinner.

After sitting on her bed for several minutes, staring off at nothing, she decided that she would just have to look around the mansion. After all- this _was_ her new home. She had as much right as anyone to wander it- even if she _did_ stand the risk of getting lost. So, her mind made up, she left her quarters and began to explore.

She soon realized that all bedchambers were distinguishable by a keypad and fingerprint analysis unit mounted beside each door- and she wondered which was Sarek's. The other doors led to various rooms that were accessible to everyone- the first she entered was a gym filled with all the necessary equipment; which brought forth a memory of Sarek leaving a similar room on Earth with no shirt on. Which in turn led to fantasies about how he would look while exercising- his muscles flexing as he moved, rippling under his skin as he did not break a sweat, even while going through the most difficult moves of Suus Mahna- the Vulcan martial art, which he had once told her he was a master of. She decided that she would have to investigate that in the future, and confirm that what she saw in her mind's eye was reality.

The second room was what she assumed to be a meditation chamber; filled with pots of half-burned incense, the scent of which still lingered in the air. A mat lay on the floor, facing a wall on which was displayed various pieces of Vulcan artwork- art was logical, in its own way, and even Vulcans produced it and admired it. It amused her when people thought of Vulcans as people who could not appreciate beauty or artwork. True, they did not surround themselves with it or think it to be of great importance- but there were places where it was acceptable, and this was apparently one of them.

She was examining an ancient stone tablet that depicted what looked like two Vulcan males fighting with lirpas with a woman standing to the side- when suddenly, strong, warm hands closed around her upper arms. She gasped loudly, her heart jumping into her throat and pounding wildly as she whirled around.

"_Sarek_!" she cried, staring at him as she tried to calm her hammering heart and slow her breathing. "You startled me!"

"That was not my intention. I thought you may have heard me enter." he said. He had drawn away when she jerked from his touch, but he now moved closer- he was barely six inches away from her, and she was forced to tilt her head back in order to look at him. "And who else would dare lay a hand on my mate?"

She smiled at his question, deciding not to answer that.

"I just wasn't expecting you to sneak up behind me." she said softly, her eyes searching his. "Where were you?"

"I was at the embassy. I attempted to leave in time to retrieve you from the transporter station myself, but was detained. Upon further thought, I decided that it would be preferable this way- I would rather welcome you to Vulcan in private."

A smile spread across her face, and she laid her hands on his chest.

"You're right, it _is_ better this way." she replied. "But how did you know where to find me?"

"I went to your bedchamber first, but you were not there. I concluded that you were inspecting the mansion, and the computer located a human life form in this chamber."

"Oh, I see." she said, and tilted her head to the side. "Are you going to kiss me hello, or not?"

"Ah, yes...that is the standard greeting between human couples, is it not?" he asked, raising his eyebrows. She felt the link open, and distantly felt his amusement.

"Quit teasing, you know very well that I've been waiting for you to kiss me since I turned around." she said, giving him a mock-reproachful look. "That is, unless you're still caught up on what happened and still don't think you can handle a _kiss_."

His eyebrows rose higher, and then he leaned down enough to brush his lips against hers in a very light kiss.

"I would have you know, that I am in control of myself at this moment. I have meditated intensively these past several days in preparation for your arrival." he said, his hot breath mingling with hers before he pressed another kiss against her mouth. In response, she slid her hands up his chest until her arms were around his neck, pressing him closer against her. Their lips massaged each other slowly, tenderly- tongues barely brushing as the kiss deepened. Amanda sighed against him...she had missed this, and now- she could do this every day.

When they broke away for air, Amanda nestled her cheek against his chest.

"How have you been?" she asked. He seemed to know what she meant without asking.

"I am well. It is not time, yet." he said, encircling her waist with his arms. His willingness to hold her was testament to the fact that he _had_ missed her. "We should go to my bedchamber."

Her eyebrows shot up and her head reared back so she could see his face.

"Is that a _proposition_, Sarek?" she asked, both amused and hopeful.

"It is not the proposition you seem to believe it to be. My chambers are more private than any other location in the mansion, and I am sure you have many questions or things to discuss." he said. "I do not think it would be wise for us to become intimate until my Time comes."

"And why not? You said a few days ago when we talked on the holo that you're having difficulties focusing at times. Maybe it would help." she said with an arched eyebrow.

"I highly doubt that theory, and I would rather not risk it." he said.

"If it's a theory, that means it should be tested for validity. And the worse that can happen is it triggers Pon Farr, which we already know will happen soon, anyway."

She was rather proud of her logical reasoning when he could find nothing to say to refute it. He stared at her for several silent seconds.

"If it becomes unbearable, I will consider this alternative." he replied. "But I do not think it will."

She grinned, before placing a kiss on his lips and pulling away.

"Let's go, then." she said. Amanda followed Sarek out the door and down the corridor- she found, to her surprised delight, that his bedchamber was not only near hers- it was right across from it. "Why can't we just share a room?" she asked as he placed his hand on the scanner for identification. He looked at her, and she felt his confusion.

"Why would we share bedchambers?" he asked. She sighed...this problem had never occurred to her.

"Human men and women do it. They sleep in the same bed every night."

"I see no need to sleep in the same bed every night." he said as they entered his room. She noted that it wasn't as plain as hers- there were a few Vulcan vases, as well as paintings on stone that may have been from the Times of Passion, and a collection of ancient weapons on one wall. Sarek led her to the divan that sat before his comm-console; she recognized it from their transmissions. Once they were seated, she replied.

"I assume it's just not _logical_, right?" she asked, smirking.

"Humans indulge in frequent copulation. Vulcans do not. It would be unnecessary to sleep beside each other for no reason." he said.

"_Other_ Vulcans don't 'indulge in copulation'- but you're about to marry a human, so I hope you plan on indulging. And it's not just about sex, it's...security, and companionship. It's _pleasant_, to sleep beside each other."

She took his arm and placed it around her, snuggling against his side.

"It's no different from doing this." she added, laying her head against him.

"Vulcans value their private space, Amanda. It would be difficult for me to share my quarters with you at all times."

"I thought you were trying to make compromises between our cultures?" she asked. "I don't bite in my sleep, honest. And you can't deny my logic."

He appeared to be pondering it, and she looked up at him, head tilted, smiling.

"The idea of biting me in your sleep would not be unappealing, as it would indicate that you consider me yours, even in your subconscious." he said. She stared at him in disbelief, before laughing.

"Out of all that, that's the only part you got?" she asked.

"I did hear your reasons, but I saw no immediate need to address them."

She rolled her eyes, and tightened her arms around him.

"Maybe it would help if I showed you sometime. A completely innocent demonstration of how pleasant it is to sleep beside your mate." she said. "Maybe _then_ you will realize that it's acceptable to share your room with me."

"I will consider this experiment, as long as your intentions are what you claim them to be." he replied.

"Let me know when you're done considering, although we both _know_ you can't refuse a logical experiment." Amanda said. She moved still closer to him, pillowing her head against his chest and closing her eyes. It was a minute before she spoke again. "By the way- to change the subject- do you have a map for this place?"

"A map?" he repeated.

"Yes, a map. I don't want to get lost. This mansion is confusing."

"You will soon remember your way. Not even your human memory is that abysmal."

"Haven't I warned you before not to insult me?" she asked, absentmindedly tracing random patterns on his stomach with a finger. He shifted on the divan, moving away from her.

"It is nearly sunset. We should go." he said, taking her arms from around him calmly and standing.

"We still have at least twenty minutes." Amanda said, glancing out the window, which gave a magnificent view of the impending sunset.

"It would be in our best interest to go now." he said tersely. Understanding now what the problem was, she nodded and stood.

"All right." she said, and laid a hand on his arm. "You know, maybe it _would_ be better to do something to speed it up a bit. I would rather get it over with now instead of waiting."

"No, Amanda." he said. "You are not ready- and not only for that. There are things you need to learn before we are bonded. As long as we do not share extended contact, I am capable of functioning normally."

"You're probably right." she said with a sigh, and dropped her hand from his arm. He bent to kiss her swiftly, one last time.

"All things aside." he said quietly. "It is...a relief, to have you here."

"I missed you, too." she said. He held out two fingers, and she met them. As they fed each other the full force of their emotions, she smiled at him- and he almost smirked back.

* * *

The first few days meant a lot of adjustment for Amanda.

For one thing- Sarek wasn't around nearly as much as she had thought he would be. He went to the embassy every day, and when he came home, he spent a great deal of time in his private office. She had expected this, of course- he was an important political figure, and she couldn't expect him to forsake his work for her. And he _did_ make a point of spending time with her in the evenings, although their physical contact was limited to a few kisses and minimal cuddling. Sometimes they played 3D-chess in his office, or merely sat together and talked. He even let her join him one evening for his nightly meditation, and showed her a few simple techniques- which she found to be very calming. She could understand now why Vulcans meditated. It was peaceful and relaxing.

One small, minor thing she noticed right away, however- the food was mostly bland. There were very few dishes with any taste to them, and there was no salt or pepper in sight. Sarek said that he had overlooked this particular Human quirk of requiring flavorings for food, and that he would be sure to order seasonings for her. This small gesture- despite the fact that she protested against it at first, and he claimed it wasn't logical to force her to eat something she found distasteful- touched her. It was often these little details that he attended to that warmed her the most- just like the clothing he had ordered for her. It was practical, but it also showed how much attention he gave to her comfort. She could only hope that she ended up half as considerate as he was.

With his absence, she found that she was often lonely- but she had things to keep her busy. She and T'Shan met up every day in the living room to have lessons in the Vulcan language, as well as in Vulcan etiquette. One day, T'Shan informed her that there was a lot she would have to change about herself- at least in public. For one, she could not laugh- or even smile- while in the presence of other Vulcans, because it would be an indecent display of emotion and therefore an embarrassment to Sarek. She understood that, to some extent. Vulcans found any displays of emotion to be distasteful, and while it would be difficult, she knew she had to try- she had no intentions of making Sarek look bad.

She was not to touch anyone in public- not even Sarek, unless it was in the _ozh'esta_ and they were bonded by that time. She found that to be somewhat ironic, since she believed the _ozh'esta_ and the consequent exchange of emotion to be far more intimate than any other possible contact with any other being. But, she wasn't really the touchy-feely type with people she wasn't familiar with, so that would be an easy rule to follow.

She was not to talk about anything that could even _possibly_ be considered private about Vulcans to _anyone_, no matter their relation. She could see the prudence in that rule, considering how everyone had reacted to the bruise that was only an innocent bite mark resulting from a bout of wild Vulcan sex. If they had known the truth, the situation would have been just as bad.

She was not to ask any Vulcan anything about their personal lives. This, Amanda had already known. She knew how much importance they placed on their privacy- it was true of their culture, and of each individual as well. But she knew that some humans _did _have that tendency to pry, so she wasn't surprised that T'Shan had made sure to include that.

The mounting list of dos and don'ts was discomfiting. She had known that she would have to make some changes- but she had not realized what adjustments those entailed. It sounded as if she would have to become an entirely different person to the public eye. Indeed, it sounded like she _did_ have to become Vulcan, the only difference being that of rounded ears and flatter eyebrows. She half-expected T'Shan to tell her that she would have to adopt the ways of Surak, or else she would be shipped back to Earth by order of the Council. But...like everything else, she understood the reasoning behind it all. This wasn't Earth, and she didn't want to cross any cultural boundaries. She didn't want to be a source of embarrassment to Sarek- and being an overly-emotional human would do just that. She had known when she agreed to marry him that this would be an issue- and like all the others, she would work to overcome it.

After that particular 'discussion', she really needed someone to talk to, however. She had been on Vulcan for five days by that time, and had spent most of it alone- either trying to memorize the outlay of corridors and rooms that composed her new home, or curled up on a divan or in her room with a PADD, reading the coursework she would need for the final quarter of college.

Sarek was, of course, at the embassy at the time. So, she tried to contact Sarah- according to her PADD, it was nighttime on Earth, but not so late that Sarah wouldn't be awake. Hopefully, she was over what had happened between them by now- and if not, they could discuss it and try to get over it that way, like two adults.

When Sarah did not answer the call, she figured she would just call back later. And she did...and her sister still did not answer. Nor did she when Amanda tried again twice after that.

The fourth time, she decided to leave a message.

"Sarah...you know who this is. I know you're still upset, and I'm sorry. I just...need someone to talk to right now. I understand why you aren't answering, but I hope that you can forgive me, and give me another chance- at least let us talk it out."

She paused, wondering if she should say anything more, but then disconnected the line.

"Is there something amiss?" Sarek's voice came from behind her. She looked around as he entered his office, where she had been trying to contact Sarah from all day, since it was the only comm-console in the mansion capable of interplanetary calls.

"I'm sorry, I'll leave. I know you have work to do." she said, standing. He held up a hand to stop her.

"That is unnecessary. I heard your message...was there a disagreement between you and your sister?" he asked. She sank back down onto the divan, and he sat beside her.

"Yes. She...wasn't happy about my moving here, and we had this argument...she wanted me to stay with her instead of leaving her alone on Earth. But you don't need to concern yourself with this."

"I believe I should concern myself with it." Sarek said. He was looking at her, and she could have sworn it was with _disapproval_. "Your parents are deceased, are they not?"

"Yes." she replied, wondering what he was getting at.

"Which would mean that she is, indeed, alone. You have often spoken to me of how you only had each other for the last few years. Has it not occurred to you that she is not the only one being selfish in her desires?"

Amanda stared at him in shock.

"You think I'm selfish?" she asked, once she could speak.

"I believe that every being is selfish to some degree, Amanda. We would not be able to exist if we were not. Selfishness is self-preservation, whether emotional or otherwise. I do not see how your decision to come to Vulcan should create an argument, as it is obvious that it was what you chose, and your decisions are yours to make- but you should not have left affairs with your only living relative in the state that you left them in."

Amanda could hardly believe that Sarek, of all people, was saying these things to her. But she had to admit- he had a point...in a way, she had been just as selfish for leaving Sarah for her own happiness as Sarah had been for wanting her to stay for _hers_.

"I know I shouldn't have left things like that, and I didn't want to, but I didn't know what else to do about it- and time was running out." she admitted.

"You did not even attempt to make amends. If you had, you would have approached me with your concerns. Your departure could have been easily delayed while you sorted out your differences, and I would have understood. Vulcans consider family to be a priority- equal to their mates, even. The idea of having a dispute with a sibling and not attempting to correct the relationship when there is a chance to is illogical. It would have been easier for you correct the situation while still on Earth."

"Well, I think it's too late, now." she said with a sigh. "The damage is done. Sarah can be so stubborn...she won't talk to me."

"Not yet, but perhaps in the future, once her emotional turmoil has abated." Sarek replied. "Then you should try again. The message you left her was an adequate beginning."

"When did you become so knowledgeable about humans?" she asked with a small smile.

"I have an excellent instructor in human behavior." he replied, head cocked to one side as he looked at her. She chuckled and shook her head.

"You're right...I messed up. I'll just have to try harder with her, that's all. I don't want to lose her...she's the last of my family. Thank you, Sarek." she said quietly.

There was short silence, during which she looked out of a nearby window at the arid desert, and his eyes were on her.

"Amanda, in your message, you mentioned that you needed to talk to someone. Is there something that you find to your dissatisfaction?"

"No...well, maybe. I'm not sure." she said, turning back to him. Now that the subject had changed from her sister, she was able to remember her original problem.

"What is bothering you?" he asked, and the previous disapproval was gone, replaced by his usual, placid manner, and affection for her. He even reached out to draw her against him- she decided that if a precursor to Pon Farr was the ability to show affection easier, then it was one of the few aspects of it she would like, even though she knew she would get too used to it and miss it later.

"It's not really important. I'm just...lonely here." she said. "I don't have anyone to talk to all day, but I'm finding things to keep me busy."

"You are currently talking to me." he said, and she smiled despite herself.

"I mean, when you're not here, which is pretty often." she replied. "And there are no humans around at all. I miss my fellow illogical beings."

"I have not been here as often as I would prefer because, with the transference of my work to the Terran embassy, there is much to be done. It will not always be this way. Soon, I will be mostly working from here." he said, one hand stroking her hair. He tightened his arms around her waist as he continued. "As for your loneliness...I am unsure as to how I can eradicate such a negative emotion from you, but I will attempt to do so."

She smiled, resting her head on his shoulder.

"You don't have to take all of my burdens on you, Sarek." she said. "I'm capable of holding my own."

"You are correct, I do not have to." he agreed. "Amanda, there are Terran ambassadors here, and they do have families. I am certain you could find company among them. I will do something decidedly unusual and inquire into Terran families, as a human would."

She sighed, and pressed her head against him harder.

"And this is exactly why I love you."

"I should have inquired into the matter sooner. I understand your need to interact with those of your own species. While on Earth, I found the lack of logical conversation to be...disconcerting."

"Behave." she said warningly, through a smile. There was a peaceful silence for about thirty seconds, before Sarek spoke again.

"Amanda, I am not opposed to your presence in my office, but I do have work to finish."

"I'll go." she said, moving to get up.

"You may stay, as long as you do not disturb me." he said as he stood and went to his desk. She settled back onto the divan, and watched contentedly as her future husband set to work- occasionally glancing up at her, and each time he did, she smiled- remembering why she had come here in the first place, and why she was enduring it all. It was for him- to _be_ with him, and he made it more than worth it.

* * *

The next morning, she was awakened much earlier than usual. At first, she wasn't sure what had woken her up- and then she rolled over onto her side.

"What are you doing here, Sarek?" she asked. He was sitting on the edge of her bed.

"You must rise, Amanda." he said, standing.

"Why? it's so e-ea-early." she stifled a yawn with a hand and looked up at him. "I must look a mess- don't look at me." she added, but she was smiling.

"You are as pleasing to look at as ever, if not more so in your disheveled state." he said, which made her roll her eyes and smile wider. "As for your question- you must ready yourself to meet T'Pau."

Amanda, who had been in the process of sitting up- froze at those words, her smile dropping away.

"T'Pau?" she asked. "She's coming _here_? Why wasn't I told?"

"She is not coming- she is already here." he replied, making her jaw drop.

"_What_?" she asked, throwing back the covers and getting out of bed, heading for her closet. "Sarek, did you know she was coming today?" she asked as she frantically looked through the Vulcan attire. What was suitable to wear when meeting the matriarch of the clan she was to join?

"I did not. If I had, I would certainly have told you in advance." he said, and joined her by the closet.

"What sort of thing is appropriate for an occasion like this?" she asked, still rifling through the clothing.

"If I may?" he said, and she stepped back, pushing her hair behind her ears agitatedly. He selected a russet-hued gown with golden embroidery and gave it to her. "This would look especially pleasing on you." he said.

"Thank you." she said, looking at the gown. He leaned in, kissing her cheek.

"There is no need to be so disturbed. T'Pau's opinion of you does not matter to me, so do not concern yourself with that. I will wait for you outside." he said, warm breath tickling her ear, before leaving. Using one of the techniques he had shown her, she centered herself. Now calmer, she began to dress.

She was nervous- but she wasn't going to let T'Pau know that. First impressions were lasting impressions, and she wanted hers to be good. From what she had heard, T'Pau was a venerable old woman- tough, and ferociously logical. She was the head of Sarek's family. Somehow, she felt that if she could win her approval, she would win the approval of everyone else, too. Her approval may not matter to Sarek- but it definitely mattered to _her_.

But she couldn't gain that approval if she were weak, nervous, and emotional. She drew courage from the fact that she would not be alone when she met the woman- but she felt that this was _her_ battle. If she was the victor, no one and _nothing_ could ever come between her and Sarek again.

**A/N: Next chapter will be Sarek's POV, I think. And I probably won't update tomorrow- I need a short break. **


	34. Experiment and Compromise

**A/N: Another ridiculously long one for you :) Thanks again to LadyFangs, who as always, improved the chapter.**

**Chapter 34: Experiment and Compromise**

Sarek felt her nervousness from across the link- but he also felt her resolve. She was determined, and he could only surmise that she had every intention of gaining T'Pau's approval. He was unsure if that would be possible, and it would be illogical to hope for it, but a part of him wanted her to succeed.

When she came out of her bedchamber, dressed in the gown he had selected, he allowed himself a moment to admire her. He had personally selected the colors for her wardrobe that would complement her best, and he now knew he had chosen well. The deep-red of the soft fabric enhanced the rosiness of her lips and the faint, pink undertones of her skin; the golden embroidery brought out the flecks of gold in her brown eyes. He had been correct about her measurements, as well. The gown fit her perfectly, clinging in all the right places- which distracted him for 3.2 seconds before he regained control, tamping down on the portion of his brain that insisted on taking her every time he saw her.

"Why is she here?" Amanda asked, tugging at the high collar of the gown. "Did she come just to torture me?"

"As the Mother Elder of my clan, it is her right to meet you. I am sure she has come to appraise you, and determine whether you are worthy of her approval," he replied.

"And is it customary to simply show up without warning?" she asked as they began to walk side-by-side down the corridor.

"This home belongs to my clan. Although the main branch of the family- which is mine- holds the property, all other members of the clan are welcome at any time. T'Pau comes when she pleases, announced or not."

Amanda did not reply to that. Sarek glanced over at her, but she was looking straight ahead, deep in thought. She did not know how grateful he was that she was here- on Vulcan, with him. She had made a large sacrifice- much larger than any he had made. He knew she was going to find it difficult to adjust, and the fact that he left her alone all day only made it worse. If he had a choice, he would opt to spend more time with her- but he did not have that choice.

Humans were prone to loneliness, he knew, and he disliked the idea of her experiencing it. She had come to the planet- to his home- to be with him, and he was not there. She would never say as much, but he knew she was disappointed. Was there any way for him to make it easier for her? Was there anything he could do to please her?

There was an obvious answer to a part of that last question, but he had already told her he would not do that. Then again...Amanda had a way of making him do things he had sworn not to do. She had expressed a wish to be intimate with him the first night of her arrival...and there were plenty of reasons to justify it if they did. He must meditate on the possibility, despite his previous resolve on the subject.

They descended to the first level, and made their way to the gathering chamber. When they entered, it was to find T'Pau seated in a chair facing them. He had been deeply dissatisfied when she had arrived half an hour before and demanded to see Amanda, but he had complied with her wishes, knowing that it would be better to heed them now, rather than later.

"T'Pau, this is Amanda Grayson," Sarek said in Standard. He and T'Pau normally conversed in Vulcan- but out of respect for Amanda, he switched.

He observed Amanda as she stepped toward the Vulcan woman. Her face was curiously blank, and he realized that she was trying not to emote. This, while not as pleasing to him as her emotional conveyances, was an excellent decision on her part. T'Pau would have expected differently. He was even more pleased when she raised her hand in the Vulcan salute and gave the traditional greeting- in perfect, unaccented Vulcan.

"_Dif-tor heh smusma_, T'Pau," she said. Sarek recalled the first time she had attempted to give this greeting...that day seemed so long ago. He had been somewhat annoyed by her botching his native tongue at the time, but now he looked upon the memory with amusement.

"_Sochya eh dif_, Ms. Grayson," T'Pau responded. Although he could not read her features, he was sure that she was surprised by this exchange, which had been executed flawlessly.

Suddenly, the possibility of T'Pau giving Amanda her approval did not seem so unlikely. She would never commend her humanity, but she could not find fault with her behavior, as long as she continued in this way.

They each sat in a chair, forming a triangle between the three of them. T'Pau's cold black eyes lingered on Amanda for several long seconds, taking in her stiff posture and composed appearance, before turning to Sarek.

"The ceremony has been planned, and will commence when your Time comes. The bonding and marriage rites shall be performed together, as is customary in situations such as these, when the pair was not bonded in childhood. I trust that you have told her what to expect of the bond?"

He disliked how she spoke of Amanda as if she were not there- as if she were unworthy of her notice. He was easily irritated these days, true- but it was not yet outwardly noticeable, so he was not overly concerned. He still had time.

"I have informed her of the properties of the bond, yes," Sarek replied. "I have also briefed her on what to expect of the ceremony."

T'Pau's eyes wandered back to his mate, who sat silently with her hands folded in her lap. He was unaccustomed to her lack of animation, and he found it...disconcerting. It reminded him of T'Para's lifeless demeanor, and how he had disliked it after comparing it to her lively one.

"You believe yourself to be prepared to become a Vulcan's wife?" T'Pau asked, now addressing Amanda. For the first time since entering the room, Amanda allowed emotion to flicker across her features- her eyes flashed in anger, and the corners of her mouth pulled down in a frown- before she resumed her stoicism.

"If I were not, I would not be here," she replied coolly. T'Pau's head cocked to one side.

"A logical response. You are not quite what I expected."

"Is it not _illogical_ to prejudge someone whom you have never met?" Amanda retorted icily, her voice even except for that one word.

Sarek straightened slightly. Her mocking tone when she said "illogical" was quite normal when she spoke to him, and he was amused by it- but T'Pau may not be. Her tone could be construed as rude, disrespectful.

He watched as T'Pau sat back in her chair, her gaze steady on Amanda.

"It is not illogical to judge you by the standards of your people, whom I have observed for many years," T'Pau countered coolly. "Humans are nearly all the same- emotional, and incapable of making prepared decisions. I merely wished to ascertain if you believe yourself to be ready, as it is my belief that you are not, nor shall you be. Vulcans follow strictures which you cannot possibly be prepared to accustom yourself to. I am not attempting to dissuade you, as it would not be in my best interest to do so. Sarek is an important figure in the S'chn T'gai clan, and his health is paramount. It is too late for either of you to change the course you are on. I have resigned myself to this fact. Yet it would be unwise for me not to inform you that you are inadequate for the task ahead."

Sarek was not sure if the anger rising within him was his- or Amanda's. Perhaps it was both. He was about to speak in her defense- and he had some choice words in mind, but Amanda did so first- her voice level and calm even as the words rolling off her tongue were laced with thinly veiled anger.

"As you said yourself- _nearly_ all humans are the same. I _am_ emotional- I don't deny it, and I never would, but that doesn't affect my ability to decide on something as important as this. Vulcans are _not_ the only beings in this universe capable of making informed decisions. And for you to deem me inadequate when you have only known me a matter of minutes is not only insulting, but it explains why most humans believe that Vulcans are a proud race, and have nothing but disdain for humans, and believe them to be inferior. You had an opinion formed about me before you even met me- and it doesn't matter if you compared me to any other humans you have known and logically came to the conclusion that I would be no different- it is still irrational to prejudge. We are _not_ all the same."

Sarek's heart sank. All hopes of T'Pau ever approving of his mate vanished. While her argument was valid, she had presented it in the wrong way- emotionally.

"Amanda..." he said quietly, looking at her. She pressed her lips together, and swallowed, forcing her gaze to the floor. She knew she had spoken wrongly. There was no need to reprimand her- she was already doing so to herself.

No one spoke for a long moment and tense silence pressed in upon them, as T'Pau stared at Amanda calculatingly. Sarek could feel her embarrassment for speaking so heatedly, as well as her dread for what the matriarch may say. He had learned that when she was upset, a way to comfort her was physical contact- even a touch of her hand. But he could not do so in front of T'Pau, who he now wished would leave soon.

"You speak emotionally, as is common for your people," T'Pau finally said, eying Amanda from head to toe.. Then she turned her attention back to Sarek. "I have the information I came for. I will take my leave, as I have duties elsewhere today."

She stood, and so did Sarek and Amanda, who still would not look up.

"Sarek, come." T'Pau ordered as she walked toward the door. He met Amanda's eyes for a moment.

"Wait here," he instructed before following his aunt. Amanda nodded stiffly, and sat back down.

T'Pau led him outside, to where her hover-car and driver waited. As soon as the doors closed behind them, she turned to look up at him.

"She should not have spoken to me in such a manner. You must train her in the appropriate ways to speak to elders. I am aware that she is human, and cannot be expected to understand our ways, and so I will allow her a reprieve this one time. Her rudeness will not be tolerated again."

He bowed his head in agreement- although, a tiny part of him was proud that Amanda had stood up for herself- and she continued.

"That said, I have come to a conclusion about your future wife. She is emotional, as I expected, but she also has her own form of logic, as misguided and ill-presented as it is. She carries a resolve that I have not seen before in her kind. She should have rejected you, and yet she still remains, and has even given up her former life for you. She may require extensive training in etiquette, but I have no choice but to accept her. Be sure that you maintain that acceptance for the future, and do not allow her to err and bring shame upon our clan."

It took him several seconds to realize what she was saying, and he did not know whether to be insulted or relieved. He decided upon the latter. T'Pau's acceptance meant that the kalifee would go unchallenged. Amanda would have full rights as spouse in the clan. This, despite the fact that Amanda had spoken so offensively. Then again...T'Pau herself had been known to speak as boldly in the past. Was it really so surprising that she approved of someone with that same quality, even if they were human? At the same time...he was well aware of what it also meant. Amanda's position was precarious. And she had much to do to prove her worth to the matriarch. He decided to take his leave of her in an effort to get back to his adun'a.

"I will be certain to do so, T'Pau," Sarek replied. She turned from him, and he watched as she climbed into the vehicle and left.

Still stunned by her words, he returned to the gathering room to tell Amanda the good news. The visit had been short, for which he was grateful- and it had ended well, which was unprecedented. Despite the fact that he had told Amanda that T'Pau's opinion did not matter, he was...relieved, that she had been accepted.

* * *

It was evening- three days after T'Pau's visitation. Sarek sat on a mat in the meditation chamber, eyes closed.

Amanda had been puzzled by the matriarch's words, as well. She did not understand the relatively easy approval, but she was willing to accept it. He only hoped that his aunt would not cause further issues in the future, but a part of him knew she would.

Amanda had been so relieved that she had nearly attacked Sarek with kisses. While he was not disagreeable to that, it had made his lust nearly consume him again...and he began to consider alternative methods of coping with it. He could not continue in this way, and meditation seemed to do little good. Perhaps Amanda's theory on the subject held merit...

Speaking of Amanda- he heard footsteps in the corridor, which stopped right outside the door, hesitating. He knew that she did not want to disturb him, but they had been unable to spend any time together that evening, as he had returned late from the embassy. She undoubtedly wanted to see him before retiring for bed, as it was nearing the time of night when she normally did so.

"You may enter," he called. The door opened with a hiss, and she came in- her steps light and barely audible even to him as she walked over. He opened his eyes and placed his hands on the floor, leaning his weight on his arms as he stretched his legs before him. "Is there something you require?" he asked.

"No. I just wanted to talk to you for a few minutes," she replied, and sat beside him, tucking her legs under her. He had been correct, then. "Am I interrupting?"

"No, my evening meditation is complete."

"Good," she said, nodding. Her eyes slid away from his. "Sarek...when T'Pau was here, she brought something to my attention. I've been thinking about it the past few days. She mentioned that the wedding ceremony would be held when your Pon Farr arrives...You haven't even told me yet how I will know when it's coming. Will there be any signs of it? And what am I to expect? How long does it last?"

"If you would restrict your questioning to one inquiry at a time, I will answer them," he said, raising his eyebrows. "We should have discussed these details sooner. An error on my part."

"Okay..." she took a breath in preparation to begin, but he held up a hand.

"I have a request. We should continue this discussion in my bedchamber. You proposed, on your first evening here, an experiment. I believe we should conduct it."

"What do you mean?" she asked suspiciously.

"You proposed that we share a bed for one night. You told me to inform you when I was finished considering it, and I am. It would be acceptable to try it this once. If I find that it is not an intrusion, then once we are bonded, we may share quarters."

She was still looking at him as if unsure that she should believe him.

"It took you this long to come to that conclusion?" she asked.

"It did. Are you still willing to conduct this experiment?"

"Well, yes..."

"Then we will continue this line of inquiry there."

She still looked disbelieving, as if she actually thought he were capable of joking. Had she not been serious when she made that proposal? Well, even if she had not been, _he_ was.

He stood, and then helped her up, her hands cool in his. Her skin was so soft...he repressed the thoughts that were forming in his mind, and released her hands. She did not know it yet, but there was more than one experiment he was to conduct that night.

She went to her chamber to dress for bed, and he went to his. He took off his tunic, leaving him only in the black cloth pants he wore when meditating or exercising, and sat on the bed with his back against the headboard. It was not long before she arrived, wearing silk shorts and a matching top that left her arms bare, also revealing a hint of the shadowy cleft between her breasts. He tried not to eye the tempting flesh too noticeably as she climbed onto the bed.

"Are you sure you can handle sleeping beside me at the moment?" she asked teasingly.

"I am," he replied, although he was unsure, himself. It was not the best time to sleep beside her, but he must experiment...

She settled beside him, and curled up against his side, one arm resting on his abdomen. He found the weight of it to be soothing, and he laid his hand over hers.

"You may begin your questioning," he said.

"Well...first of all, how will I know when it's starting?" she asked.

"I will inform you, of course. But it is likely that you will notice the symptoms before then- perhaps even before I am entirely certain that it is upon me. I will lose the ability to repress my emotions, thereby expressing more, and my behavior will become erratic. As well as...amorous."

"Amorous," she repeated with a snicker, burying her face against his shoulder. "So I guess it won't be hard to know when it arrives. How long does it last?"

"It varies. Usually, it escalates over three to five days, resulting in the _plak'tow_- the blood fever. That is when all inhibitions will be gone, and I will not be myself. My only thoughts will be to mate...and that is when I will be at my most dangerous."

She was no longer laughing. She was quiet as she lay beside him.

"Once the mating drive has been sated, the blood fever breaks. If it is not sated, I would die from the high levels of adrenaline in my system," he continued. "Amanda...I have no words to describe how much I do not wish to hurt you, but I may do so, because of my strength and the ferocity of Pon Farr. I can only tell you this: If I begin to hurt you, and you believe that your life is in danger, do not hesitate to harm me."

"Sarek, I wouldn't-" she began, but he reached up to place a finger against her lips.

"If I must choose between our lives, I choose yours. Do not hesitate."

He felt her disagreement, but she did not voice it. They were silent for some time as she mulled over his words. She finally broke the silence.

"Sarek...if you've been struggling with your desires only because of early Pon Farr coming on, does that mean that once it's over, you won't be interested in me in _that_ way any more?"

"It has compromised my control, but I desired you long before then," he replied. "I will still desire you after."

He did not seem to have answered her question, and she sighed in irritation.

"Do you plan on having sex with me beyond Pon Farr? I'm a sexual person, Sarek, just like most humans. You can't expect me to go without, especially when we both know you want to, and just won't give in for logical reasons. I know it's against Vulcan nature, but if you're going to try to make compromises between our cultures, this is definitely one area that you need to do that in."

He did not reply right away, as he contemplated his answer. Then he spoke.

"I do not yet know the answer to your question, myself," he replied. She drew away from him slightly, and he sensed her disappointment and frustration. Before she could become disgruntled enough to leave, he turned onto his side and pulled her against him, lifting one of her legs as he did so to place it around him- their bodies were now completely pressed against each other. He rested his right hand on her hip, the other tangled in her long tresses.

"Sarek?" she whispered, surprised and puzzled. "What are you doing?" She did not move away, which he took to be a good sign.

He kissed her, lips lingering against her coolness before pulling away to look at her.

"Your question requires experimentation to come to a conclusion," he dropped his voice an octave, whispering against her ear. He could tell she was becoming aroused, and unsure of his intentions.

"_What_?"

"I hurt you the last time we were intimate. During my Time, I will hurt you more. I need to be certain that I can please you without harming you in any way," he explained, his hand gripping her hip as he again drew her closer to him.

"And if you can..." she asked suggestively, comprehending his meaning.

He resumed his ministrations, one hand tangling in her hair while he began to trail kisses from her forehead, and down the side of her face, until he reached her neck.

"Then I will continue intimate relations with you beyond my Time," he replied. She stared at him, again as if she thought he were joking.

"Is this the real reason you invited me here tonight?" she finally asked. "To test your ability to be gentle during sex?"

"It is precisely one-third the reason," he mumbled into her shoulder, inhaling her scent. Yes, she was definitely aroused...

"One-third?" she asked, her voice rising in husky frustration. He felt her arch into his touch, her body moving silkily against his.

"Yes. I have three experiments to conduct this evening," he elaborated. "The first...to test sleeping beside one another, to see if it is an intrusion upon my private space, and whether or not I can adjust to it enough to have you sleep in my bed every night."

He could feel her growing amusement and affection as she began to stroke his hair, threading the black strands between her fingers- her eyes not leaving his. He felt a shiver of delight at her touch as he continued.

"The second, is to test your theory of whether or not sexual contact will allow me to concentrate more efficiently. I have found it increasingly difficult to do so lately, as my mind seems to wander to you more often than it should, and at inopportune times. This is unacceptable, and while it is not yet unbearable, it would be wise to find a way to restrain my thoughts.

"The third experiment is to see if I can be gentle, as you put it. If not, I cannot trust myself to repeat the act outside of necessity."

He fell silent, and watched her for her reaction. He found that she was...amused, as well as hopeful.

"You really do have a logical reason for everything, don't you?" she asked.

"This experimentation will affect your future contentment, as well as my present state of mind. It is important, and to be taken seriously," he replied.

Her eyebrows rose at that.

"To be taken seriously? You just proposed sex in the most logical, most Vulcan way imaginable. You're even using the scientific method to conduct these 'experiments'. How can I _not_ take them seriously?" A smile was forming on her lips.

"I am not sure, but you may be teasing me," he said uncertainly.

"You could have just seduced me and left out all of the facts. I would have been agreeable to that, you know. Or are you even capable of seduction? You probably _have_ to present your logical reasoning in order to get yourself to do it, because you want to make sure that I know this isn't about pleasure."

"I did not say that," he replied flatly. "I merely enumerated the reasons for why I am relenting, when I previously said I would not."

It had taken him several meditative sessions to come to this decision. He really did believe that it was necessary to experiment- and if it happened to please her, it was not a drawback. He _did_ need to ensure that he could do this without injuring her, as she was correct that this was a situation that required compromise if they were to have a peaceful marriage. And he _did_ need to find a way to clear his mind- that was important as well, for his own well-being and also for his duties as ambassador.

"As for your accusation that I am incapable of seduction, I find it irrational that you would prejudge me without allowing me a chance to prove myself," he added. She glared at him for using her words against her, but since she did not move away, he knew she was not truly angry. "I have only one warning- you are not to mark me. I will not mark you, either. That would make it too difficult for me to restrain myself."

"I wasn't planning on it," she said, reaching up to brush her fingers against his ears, which sent another delicious shiver down his spine. "You're really killing the mood, you know. You're talking too much. That's not how you seduce a woman."

He rolled over so that he was above her, and stroked her cheek with two fingers before kissing her once.

"I will prove your accusation wrong," he declared.

She wound her arms around his neck and pulled him down for a kiss. As he felt her tongue brush against his lips, she drew back and looked him in the eyes...

"I look forward to testing your hypothesis," she whispered.

He felt a purr of affection in his chest as he moved between her legs, and felt them wrap around his back...

* * *

Sarek opened his eyes, and checked his internal clock. He had slept for four whole hours- he must have been exhausted. Now that he thought about it, he had not rested well for several weeks- and the evening's activities could not be called restful.

A cool arm was thrown over his chest, and Amanda's breathing was deep and even against his shoulder- she was still asleep. It would not have been logical to wake her by leaving- so instead, he watched her.

He had been gentler than before. He had not hurt her in any way- and left them both satisfied in the process. It was a relief. Even with his dubious control, he had been able to restrain himself. He no longer had worries about the future, as long as he did not succumb to his instinct to mark her.

It had also helped clear his mind. He knew it was temporary- indeed, he could feel the disturbance within him still- but it was mollified for the moment.

So, two of his experiments had been a success. As for the final one...he moved her slightly closer to him, one hand stroking her hair as the other intertwined his fingers with hers. He did not think it would be too much of a distraction to have her beside him every night. It was...peaceful, to watch her sleep. He could meditate by listening to her breathing and heartbeat alone. It may not be such a good idea at the moment, but once his Time was past, it would be perfectly acceptable for her to share his bedchamber.

Yes, all was well. She would be happy with his conclusions. She had once more swayed him from his resolve- just nine days before, he had told her they would not do this again until after his Time. And he had fully believed it when he said that. While this weakness for her was not something to be proud of, he was content with the way things had turned out.

What had first started to sway him to her side of the argument was knowing she was not happy. She was not _un_happy, either- but somewhere in between. Perhaps this relenting on the issue of sex would make her less prone to disappointment with his absence. Now that he knew it could temporarily satisfy his disobedient mind, instead of triggering Pon Farr as he had feared, they would surely repeat this experiment in the near future.

It was a perfectly logical reason.

In the meantime, he must begin his daily routine. He eased himself out of her arms, careful not to jostle her, gently lowering her head onto the pillow. She stirred slightly, but did not awaken. He noted that a thin sheen of sweat glistened on her skin- it was much too hot in his chamber for her. He should have thought of that beforehand- she could have overheated during their encounter. He was unsure of why she had insisted on laying so close to him when his body heat would only make her warmer, but he supposed it was another Human quirk- to make oneself uncomfortable just so they had physical closeness with someone else.

He lowered the temperature to a level she found comfortable- although it was now much too cool for his own preference- and then used the sonic shower. Once he was satisfactorily clean, he slipped on his cloth pants and left to begin his morning meditation.

As he sat on the mat with the incense drifting over him, Sarek reflected upon the last time they had 'made love' as she sometimes called it- even though the term was too emotional for him. He had been full of confusion and guilt and self-disgust. This time, however...he only felt contentment, the complete opposite. She was pleased, and he was calm- it was a mutually beneficial situation. He could become used to this- he could adjust to having her in his bed when he awoke every morning. He could adjust his routine to include her- it would be simple.

This entire relationship could not work without compromises, after all. They both made sacrifices to be together- some of which truly tried his comfort levels. This was just another one. And he knew there would be many more issues throughout the duration of their impending marriage that would require mutual accommodation, although none as vast in cultural differences as sex.

Once he had meditated, he went to the exercise chamber. There, he went through his Suus Mahna positions until he believed it was time for her to rise. He had kept her up rather late the night before, and he allowed for that lost time in his calculations, as well as for the strangely long amount of time humans required to be fully rested.

He entered his bedchamber, and found that she was still asleep. She must have been more tired than he had realized. He wasn't sure if he felt guilty, or pleased about that. Perhaps both.

Sarek slid back into bed, but his attempt to not wake her failed. Amanda's eyes blinked open, and she looked up at him. She smiled, and then snuggled closer to him again.

"Morning," she said drowsily.

"Yes, it is morning," he replied. She laughed.

"I _know_ that," she said, elbowing him lightly in reproof. "Were your experiments successful, or am I doomed to life as a nun?"

"A nun? As far as I know from my studies on your home planet, a 'nun' is a woman who has taken religious orders, including vows of chastity-"

"Exactly. Chastity. Am I doomed to a sexless existence?" she asked, tightening her arms around him.

He ran his fingers through her silky hair, and looked down at her with his head tilted.

"My first experiment has seemingly gone well. You are welcome to sleep in my chambers once we are bonded- and perhaps before, if you have my approval."

"Thanks, but that's not the answer I'm looking for after last night," she said, smirking.

"As for my second experiment...my desires are currently dormant, which is a great relief to me. My overly-sensitive sexual drive seems to have been temporarily sated by our copulation."

Her eyebrows rose, as if telling him to get to the point.

"You should already know the results of the third experiment, as you participated in it and are aware of your own, uninjured physical state," he finished.

"So what's your conclusion, Mr. Logical Scientist?" she asked teasingly.

"My conclusion is that I am not averse to continuing these activities," he finished.

She smiled, and nestled closer to him.

"See? Compromising is a beautiful thing," she said. "I finally got you to see eye-to-eye on this subject- after about a month and a half of trying to convince you."

Yes, he could get used to this- he thought as he pulled her closer, burying his face in her hair to inhale her scent. She was worth compromising for.


	35. Biding Time

**Chapter 35: Biding Time**

The next month passed quickly- and pleasantly. Amanda was truly happy for the first time since her arrival. And it wasn't just because she and Sarek were now "intimate" as he insisted on calling it- but also because she was finding it easier to adjust to her new life.

They had a routine. Sarek liked routines- which meant that it was followed religiously. He was always awake first in the morning, whether they shared a bed the night before or not- because she didn't always spend the night with him. He often worked in his office throughout the night, and when he did that she slept in her own bedchamber.

Once he awoke, he would then meditate and exercise, and by the time he was done, she was usually waking up. They met up in the dining chamber for breakfast every morning, no matter what. After that, he went to the embassy and she spent the day in her own pursuits.

She was finding things to do. She had to, in order to keep her sanity when she was practically alone all day. After breakfast, she and T'Shan retired to the living room, where she had her daily lessons in Vulcan and etiquette. Her Vulcan was progressing rapidly- both T'Shan and Sarek were helping her with it- but she was nowhere near fluent, and she knew that she needed to be if she planned to live on Vulcan. She couldn't even pronounce his clan name yet, and knew it would be some time before she could. Maybe even years.

The etiquette lessons, however, were going very well. The fact that she only had to follow the strict rules when in public or in the company of guests was a relief to her. She knew Sarek would never expect her to "become Vulcan". In fact, he told her one night- after a particularly satisfying experience together- that he preferred her humanism to anything else.

They had gone through an unusually long bout of lovemaking...almost the entire night, and she was thoroughly pleasured and at the same time, physically exhausted. While she knew Vulcans were much stronger than humans, she had never before experienced such...stamina... and she inwardly wondered where that had come from. It made her smile to know that she was the only one who could bring such passions out of him. And, picking up her thoughts, he remarked on his preference for her.

"I think that's only because I'm so different from everything you've always known," she had replied to this confession. He then pulled her closer, his breath hot as it tickled her ear.

"Even if that is so, it does not change the fact that I prefer it. You are welcome to emote while at home."

"You say the sweetest things," she had replied sarcastically. He silenced her with his lips against hers.

For him, she learned the correct Vulcan etiquette. She could not risk another encounter such as the one with T'Pau. She had lost her temper then- it could not happen again. No matter what insulting things were said, she could not rise to the bait. She was going to be a Vulcan's wife- which meant that she must tread carefully around others. She did not want to embarrass him, or herself.

By the time these daily lessons were over with, it was time for the noon meal- after which she would go to her bedchamber and take out her PADD to do her coursework.

Amanda was starting a project to occupy her time. She was researching Vulcan's history and culture with a fervor she had never experienced before. She had done such research in the past- mostly after she began dating Sarek- but now, she had more time on her hands and could delve more deeply into it. She downloaded all books on the subject- including several obscure titles that may have been translations of ancient Vulcan texts- and she was working through them steadily. She took notes on the facts or events that were the most interesting or surprising to her, and was often so engrossed in this work that hours flew by before she realized it.

Sometimes, Sarek was home in time for dinner. On the evenings when he was not, she ate alone- she preferred when he was there, but she didn't mind the peaceful silence, either. Often during dinner, whether he was there or not, she had music playing quietly in the background; sometimes recordings of Vulcan instrumental compositions, sometimes old Terran songs. Sarek found this somewhat amusing, especially when she sang along and tapped her foot in time to the beat. He would watch her, his dark eyes softer than they usually were, and she would smile across the table at him.

He had ordered seasonings for her, just as he had promised, but she still missed certain Terran dishes- especially those with meat. She was not a vegetarian- or at least, she hadn't been before she moved to Vulcan. She understood why they did not eat meat, though. As touch telepaths, Vulcans could feel an animal's presence of mind- their wants, their needs, their fears, even their thoughts. How could one consume the flesh of animals when they knew those creatures were capable of thoughts and feelings? It was no better than cannibalism.

That didn't stop her from missing it, though.

After dinner, Sarek would either work in his office or complete his evening meditation- whichever was more important at the time. On the nights he invited her to his quarters, she would be waiting for him by the time he retired there for the evening. They didn't have sex _every_ time- sometimes she just snuggled up to him and went to sleep while he was reading the day's news on his PADD. But at other times...they weren't exactly "innocent".

There was only one thing that still bothered her. The mansion just didn't feel like _home_ to her yet. She was becoming familiar with the layout, and could now easily find her way to the places she needed to go, but it still felt like she was wandering around someone else's home. She couldn't put her finger on just _what_ was wrong. Was it the absence of humanness? Sparse decorations and furnishings, everything exactly where it should be, every surface immaculately clean...it was almost sterile. It reflected Vulcans perfectly; austere, catering to necessity only, and even _cold _on the surface, the occasional painting or Vulcan vase a welcome reprieve. There was nothing anywhere to suggest that a human lived there, except for in her quarters. There, she had decorated the walls with family pictures and holographs of famous Terrans and landscapes of some of the most beautiful places on Terra.

Or perhaps the issue lay with the servants. Sarek had told her before her arrival that the S'chn T'gai clan were members of the _thol'es_- the Vulcan nobility. Before then, she had already known that servants were normal for him, so this was not much of a surprise. But they had never catered to her before- not as much as they did now. She was uncomfortable whenever someone served her meals, cleaned her quarters, or placed her clothing in the refresher for her. She was used to doing these menial tasks on her own, and to have others do them for her made her feel like a child again. As long as someone waited on her hand and foot, she couldn't possibly feel comfortable, even in her own home.

So, she took to cleaning up after herself. That way, they would have nothing to do for her. It made her feel slightly more independent when it came to her preferences, but still did not ease that feeling of not quite belonging. As for injecting her presence into her surroundings...she was still working on a way to do that without making it blatantly obvious.

* * *

It came upon them subtly, in a way that she couldn't quite pinpoint the beginning. But it was marked by two specific events that sealed what was happening in her mind. It was even sooner than either T'Pau or Sarek himself thought...

A month into her stay, Sarek completed the necessary transference of his work into the Terran embassy- which led to his first day off. Of course, he didn't call it a _day_ _off_. He phrased it as: "The first day of which I have no duties to accomplish, and can therefore spend with you."

And he did, too. He spent the whole day in her company- even allowing her to miss her lesson with T'Shan, just that once. They played 3D-chess, they made love, and he even played his _ka'athyra- _the Vulcan lute- for her. She had not even been aware that he played an instrument until he happened to mention it during their game of chess. Afterward, they had then gone to his quarters- which is when they'd put the bed to good use. He'd claimed he was having difficulty focusing his thoughts- after the workout he gave her, she hoped he now could- and then he had finally settled down and played the lute for her.

They were seated on the balcony outside his room on chaise lounges. She, wearing nothing but a silk robe, and he wearing his black pants- and nothing else. It was a cool day on Vulcan, which meant the heat was tolerable to her, for once. She lay back, her head resting on her arm as she watched his fingers dance over the strings, pulling forth hauntingly beautiful sounds from them. She had heard recordings of a _ka'athyra_ being played, but they did not do the real thing justice. The sweet music floated through the air, filling her ears with its melody, as her eyes slipped closed and a smile formed on her lips. And to think, the rest of her life could be like this...

The song tapered off and ended with one long, low note, but when he did not begin to play another, she opened her eyes and looked at him. He sat five feet away from her, but he was not looking at her- he was looking out at the expanse of red desert that stretched on seemingly forever below the balcony.

"Sarek?" she questioned, sitting up. He looked at her, staring blankly. "Why did you stop?"

"I am considering something," he replied.

"That's very informative," she said teasingly.

"You have not left the mansion since you arrived."

"Now you're stating the obvious," she said. "Is that all you were considering?"

"I wish to show you something," he said, setting the _ka'athyra_ aside and standing. "If you would consent."

"Well, then show me," she said, also standing. "Where is it?"

"Not here. You must dress."

Now she was intrigued.

"Stop being so secretive. What is it?" she asked, catching his arms and drawing him to her. "I'm not that fond of surprises."

"It is not a surprise- but I cannot explain until we are there," he said. "There should be an excursion suit among your clothing."

"Excursion suit?" she asked, raising her eyebrows.

"Yes- it is a jumpsuit of sorts, that allows for versatility. You will find it more comfortable for what I plan."

Her eyebrows rose higher, but she released his arms and went past him.

"I will wait for you outside," he said before she left. Since her chamber was right across the hall, she felt no shame in walking over there in only her robe.

She stopped dead when she saw T'Shan coming down the corridor. The Vulcan's eyes were on her- brow furrowed slightly as she eyed her state of undress. Amanda felt the heat rise into her cheeks as she nervously tugged at the collar, making sure it wasn't revealing anything.

"Good afternoon, T'Shan," she said, edging toward her door. She felt like she might die of embarrassment- or maybe from the laughter that was aching to come out. The Vulcan had stopped, and was still staring at her. Amanda somehow doubted that T'Shan had ever caught a woman sneaking out of Sarek's quarters before.

"Good afternoon..." T'Shan replied, quickly appraising her current appearance- and then continuing on her way. "...though I trust that you have already had one."

Her last comment was laced with so much innuendo that it nearly made Amanda burst into laughter. While T'Shan was still the most intimidating Vulcan she had ever met- other than T'Pau (although she found that she really wasn't all that intimidated by her), she had grown used to her since they began to spend several hours a day in one another's company. She could in no way be called a friend, but they were becoming accustomed to each other. T'Shan had long since ceased questioning Amanda's ways, which made her more comfortable.

Once T'Shan had disappeared around the corner, Amanda went into her bedchamber- chuckling to herself now. That was an encounter she would have to tell Sarek about.

She found the aforementioned excursion suit in her closet- a white jumpsuit with ribbing on the sides and arms. It looked like it would be skin-tight- and surely enough, it fit her like a second skin. What could he possibly be planning that required _this_? she asked herself as she pulled on the matching boots.

She pulled her hair back into a knot, and then left her chamber- he was waiting for her, as expected. He had dressed in what looked like tan-colored leather pants and vest. It was...sexy.

"Where are we going?" she asked again, ignoring the hungry look in his eyes as they surveyed her appearance. They tended to do that a lot, lately.

"As I said...you will see," he said, tearing his eyes off her as he turned away. She sighed, and followed him down to the first floor, and then toward the doors.

He led her to the building where two hover-cars were kept, and keyed in his access code to open the door, which slid upward to reveal the interior. To the side of the hover-cars was a different kind of transport, and that was the one he headed toward.

"You own a _hover_-_bike_?" she asked incredulously, running her hand over the smooth seat.

"It would appear so," he said, the tiniest of smirks curving his lips. It was the closest to a smile that she had ever seen from him.

"And you expect me to ride on it with you," she stated.

"Yes. This is the best means of transportation for our destination," he said, swinging one leg over the seat. The sight of him- wearing leather, and straddling the bike- sent a shiver through her. "Are you unwilling to come with me now?"

"No..." she sighed, and accepted the helmet he was now offering her. She put it on over her head as he did the same with his. She then climbed on behind him, wrapping her arms around his midsection, her legs against his. "This _is_ safe, right?"

"Amanda, I would not allow you to ride on this if I had any doubts as to its safety. I have ridden it many times before, and I know the route to the location well. You will come to no harm."

She tightened her arms around him, just in case. Soon, the bike was vibrating beneath her, and they were moving forward.

"How long will this take?" she asked nervously as they pulled out of the building- much too fast for her liking.

"It will take thirty-eight minutes to arrive," he replied. "I cannot estimate how long we will be there."

She groaned inwardly. Thirty-eight minutes? That seemed like an eternity.

They left through the gates- and then they were off. There was nothing but sand before them, and they were picking up speed- wind whipping past and carrying with it the dry, acrid smell of the desert. Her nervousness slowly dissipated as she realized that Sarek knew exactly what he was doing- he effortlessly swerved around boulders and through naturally-formed stone archways, as if he knew this invisible road by heart.

Once her anxiety was gone, she found herself enjoying it. Rocks and sparse desert vegetation blurred past, the hover-bike leaving behind a cloud of dust in its wake. She felt almost weightless- as if she were flying- and within her was rising joy...she soon realized that it was not entirely hers.

"You _enjoy_ riding this thing?" she asked. He did not respond, of course. She felt what he felt- he saw no need to answer a question she already had an answer for.

She lost track of time, but before she knew it, they were approaching a cluster of large boulders that towered overhead. He slowed the bike, and they came to a smooth stop beside them.

"You took me to a pile of rock," she said as she took off her helmet. He did the same, setting it before him. She then climbed off- staggering slightly. Her legs felt weak from the combination of tensing her muscles to ensure that she did not slide off, and the vibrations. He followed suit, looking up at the boulders they now stood in the shadows of.

"That would be the logical conclusion," Sarek said. He then made his way around the cluster, boots crunching against the coarse sand underfoot.

Amanda followed him, and they found themselves in a clearing enclosed by rock. What looked like the remnants of an old campfire was situated in the center- small stones in a circle around it, and a flat rock before it, as if it had been used as a seat. A protruding segment of the nearest tall boulder provided a small amount of shelter.

"What is this place?" she asked, joining Sarek where he stood, looking down at the campfire.

"This place..." Sarek looked reflectively around at the boulders. "I stopped here for rest before I returned from completing my _kahs'wan_."

"_Kahs'wan_," she repeated, surprised that she recognized the word. The _kahs'wan_ was a dangerous journey that Vulcan children endured as a passage into maturity. The basic idea was to survive ten days in the Vulcan Forge- a vast desert canyon- without food, water, or weapons.

"I built a fire here, and meditated throughout the night. At that time, I decided that I would one day travel the path to absolute logic- the _kolinahr_. Not all Vulcans choose to do this, as it completely eradicates emotion."

"You're going to do that someday?" she asked, brow furrowed. He looked at her.

"I may, one day. I do not see it occurring in the near future. But that is not why I brought you here."

"Then why did you?" she asked. Once more, his eyes drifted toward the campfire. And his next words carried more emotion than she had ever heard him emit.

"I came here again, for the first time in many years, when I was on Vulcan to bond with T'Para. It was after I spoke to the Council, and directly before I confronted T'Pau on the issue of the bonding. When I first met T'Para, I came to the conclusion that something must be done to extricate myself from the unwanted match. But it was here, in deep meditation before the fire I built on the same place I had built one once before, that I decided to forsake her for you. It is in this place that I decided if I could not have you, I would have no other. That very night, I told T'Pau so, which set into motion the events that have led us here now."

Suddenly, this place held much more meaning for Amanda- and she felt a swell of love well up inside her for him. He continued to speak.

"I brought you here because I wished you to see the place that changed the courses of our lives," Sarek said. "While the link between us would have prevented the bonding, it is possible that T'Pau would have called for a healer to remove it. It would have been dangerous- but if successful, I likely would have gone through with the bonding if I had not come here that evening."

Amanda wordlessly reached out to take his hand, and he drew her against him.

"Now do you understand?" he asked, lips brushing against her forehead.

"Yes," she replied, wrapping her arms around him and pressing her cheek against the leather vest. "Thank you for bringing me here, Sarek."

One of his hands rubbed her back gently, his chin resting on the top of her head. She drew back so she could see his face.

"I'm glad you came here, then. Not only would you have been forced to take T'Para as your wife, but T'Pau would probably have risked your health to have the link removed. I would rather imagine you with another woman than imagine you incapacitated, or dead."

She wasn't sure what triggered it- perhaps the realization that she was right about T'Pau, or perhaps the idea of him with another woman- but what she saw next made her freeze in place.

His eyes darkened with anger- and she felt that anger mix with something else, something much darker, deeper, _dangerous_. His shoulders tensed, and his neck _twitched_. His hands clenched, and the one that still held hers squeezed hard enough to hurt.

She gasped, and tried to pull it away, but his grip was like iron.

"Sarek- you're hurting me!" she said- and just like that, he let go, and the unnameable emotion was gone, his body relaxed once more. She clasped her hand, staring at him, swallowing hard. He now looked confused, and ashamed.

"Amanda...I do not know why I did that," he said. She didn't take her eyes off him as she continued to rub her hand. _She_ had a pretty good idea of why. And judging by the way he backed away from her, he did too.

"We should leave," he said, his voice tense. She had never heard that tone from him...she thought back to earlier, when she had noted that smirk of his. He had never come so close to smiling...and earlier, when they'd had sex, he had not been as gentle as he had been for the past month- she had not noticed it at the time because she had been caught up in the moment...

And he had said that he would express more when it started...and he would become amorous...

Her hand still ached as he led her back to the hover-bike. He had hurt her hand just by that momentary lapse...suddenly, and for the first time, she was afraid of him.

* * *

She watched him closely over the next few days. She noticed that he had withdrawn from her- either because he was ashamed that he had hurt her, because he knew she had been afraid, or because he knew what was happening to him. She didn't know, but she was worried about him. Now that she knew to pay closer attention, she could see the signs. She wondered how long he had been exhibiting them- was that day the first? Or had she just not noticed it before?

He _was_ more expressive. There were times when she could quite clearly deduce his mood by his face alone- which was impossible before. Anger, especially, seemed to come to him easily, and was evident in his tone.

But he did not acknowledge it. He hardly spoke to her at all, and instead secluded himself in meditation as soon as he had returned that day, coming out only to go to the embassy over the next few days.

On the third day after he took her out to the desert, however, she knew it was time to confront him about it. There was no doubt in her mind that it was Pon Farr when he returned from the embassy early. She was in the living room with T'Shan when he entered, and paused to stare at the two women- no, he _glowered_ at them. He looked furious- his eyebrows drawn together, jaw clenched, eyes black with fury. She had never seen him so emotional.

He did not say a word, instead moving menacingly past them, toward the door that led into the hallway. Amanda watched him go, and when she turned to T'Shan, it was to find the Vulcan staring at her.

"I think I should go to talk to him," Amanda said quietly, standing.

"That may not be wise at this time," T'Shan replied. "Allow him time to meditate."

"No, this needs to be addressed now," she said as she moved toward the doorway.

She hurried down the corridor and up the stairs, and came around the corner in time to see him disappear inside his bedchamber. She approached it, and pressed the buzzer. He did not respond.

"Sarek? Let me in," she called softly through the door.

"Leave, Amanda," came his terse response. She sighed, and leaned against the door frame.

"If you don't give me permission, I'll come in anyway," she said. He did not reply, so she placed her hand on the scanner. It beeped, and the door swished open.

"I told you to leave," Sarek growled when she entered. She stopped short, crossing her arms over her chest as she looked at him defiantly. He sat on his bed, and he was livid.

"I'm not going to," she declared. At her words, he stood up and in a few short steps, he was inches away from her- a dark, menacing look in his eyes. She felt a wave of fear course through her as he towered over her and then- his anger seemed to soften, and then fade away. He was left looking sad, and ashamed. He looked...pitiful. She knew it wasn't his fault. She went to him- reaching out to grasp his hand and guide the two of them back to the bed and making him sit down. Climbing onto it, she wrapped her arms around him from behind- her chin resting on his shoulder. "Are you okay?" she whispered into his ear.

"As you can tell, I am not 'okay'," he replied bitterly, one hand coming up to capture one of hers.

"What happened?" she asked.

"It was...nothing unusual. The Terran ambassador is often difficult."

"But right now..." she trailed off, and placed a kiss on his cheek.

"Right now, I am compromised," he finished. "I have tried to deny it for several days now, but I cannot any longer. My Time is upon me."

"I know," she said, lifting a hand to stroke one of his cheeks. She noted that his hands were trembling, and his entire body was tense, like a tightly coiled spring. She hadn't realized just how bad off he was, since he had not allowed her near him in three days. At her touch, he shuddered.

"You should not be here," he said, abruptly attempting to draw away from her.

"Why not? I'm supposed to help you, aren't I?"

"We must wait for the caves," he said, and another shudder passed through him. "Amanda...go, please. I will contact T'Pau. The ceremony must be tomorrow- it cannot wait longer than that,"

"Alright," she said, rubbing his shoulders briefly before getting off the bed. She hoped that his own inner turmoil was too great for him to sense her fear and dread.

He kept his eyes on the floor as he spoke again.

"I apologize for hurting you the other day," he said, his voice low, sorrowful.

"Don't worry about it, the pain was momentary. This will all be over soon, and we'll put everything behind us," she said, and squeezed his arm one last time before turning to leave. She wasn't sure who she was trying to convince- him, or herself.

**A/N: May not update tomorrow, this next chapter will require a little more thought (and I have a splitting headache :( ). Thanks much to LadyFangs once more.**


	36. The Mating Time

**A/N: I will warn you now: This is a dark chapter. Pon Farr, in my opinion, is not something cute and fluffy. If you don't think you can handle it, skip the second half of this chapter. It's not graphic or anything, just dark. But even if you skip it, read the note at the end.**

**Chapter 36: The Mating Time**

Amanda smoothed the gown over her stomach, and tugged the sleeves down. She stared into the mirror- trying her best to force away the rising tide of fear. So far, it wasn't really working.

This had all happened so suddenly...again, it was all too soon. She had thought they would have another month or two, but she was wrong. He had been wrong. T'Pau had been wrong. They all had been. And now, she was preparing for her wedding...and what would follow.

She'd tried to sleep the night before, knowing that she would need her rest, but had been unable to. She was restless, anxious..._scared_. She'd forced herself to eat dinner, and breakfast that morning, knowing she would need her strength- but she had no appetite. How could she, when she so dreaded what would soon follow?

Amanda had not seen Sarek since she went to his quarters. At times, she felt his emotions- and each time, it only scared her more. It was a tangled web of anger and sorrow- and most prevalently, desire and need. He was becoming consumed by it. He had waited too long- they should have been in the caves already, but he was in denial when it started. And now, he was forced to wait. She knew the waiting was only making it worse for him...and ultimately, for her.

The servants all seemed to know- T'Shan, especially. She had likely known it was coming all along, and maybe that was why she had been so unaffected by catching Amanda that day as she exited his room. She was surely no stranger to Pon Farr, although Amanda had never asked if she was bonded.

The door chimed, and she looked over her shoulder.

"Come in," she called, and the door slid open. T'Shan entered.

"_Osu_ Sarek has left for the ancestral marriage grounds. It is time for you to leave, as well," she said. Amanda nodded jerkily, and looked back at the mirror. The pale purple gown was made of a thin, filmy fabric that clung to her form- it would be easily removed, she noted. She had left her hair loose around her shoulders...her appearance was simple, uncomplicated.

She took a shaky breath and let it out- aware that T'Shan's eyes were on her.

"I knew this was coming, but..." Amanda trailed off, and shook her head.

"Yet you find yourself not entirely prepared," T'Shan finished. Amanda looked at her- surprised that the Vulcan seemed to know exactly what was going through her mind.

"Yes," she admitted. For the first time, she almost felt as if they could someday be friends. "But that doesn't matter."

"No, it does not," T'Shan agreed. "You knew this day would arrive, and willingly give yourself to the cause. It would be illogical to regret that decision now."

"I know that," she whispered, and stepped away from the mirror, looking around at her chamber.

"You must go now, Lady Amanda," T'Shan said. Amanda looked sharply at her- she had never called her 'Lady' before, although she knew it would soon be her title. T'Shan always called her 'Ms. Grayson'. Those days were over, and the rest of her life was about to begin. T'Shan recognized this, as well.

She was led through the mansion and down to the waiting hover-car. The ride was silent but short, her only company being T'Shan, who sat beside her; looking straight ahead without a word. If ever there was a time when Amanda needed a kind word, it was now- and there was no worse place to have that need than on Vulcan. This was yet another thing she must become accustomed to, she thought to herself- suffering alone, and in silence.

They stopped some distance away from a circle of stone pillars to the east. There was already a crowd gathered there, apparently waiting for her- and she saw T'Pau among them, seated on a chair with long handles that could be carried. She wore ceremonial robes, and watched with disinterest as Amanda climbed out of the hover-car.

"Who are they?" she asked T'Shan as they approached T'Pau, who was surrounded by Vulcan females holding wooden frames with bells attached, and males who held lirpas or carried drums.

"They are your wedding entourage. Some are members of the S'chn T'gai clan, others representatives of _thol'es_ clans, come to show their acceptance of the match- despite its odd coupling," T'Shan replied. "This is customary for such a prestigious figure as _osu_ Sarek."

Amanda had known there would be a bridal escort, but hadn't realized how large it would be. Her nervousness increased a notch as she neared T'Pau, who watched her through narrowed eyes.

They exchanged the traditional greetings, while Amanda fought not to show her anxiety. T'Pau spoke first.

"We must wait for the summons. You know what to expect?"

"Sarek explained the ceremony in detail," Amanda replied with a forced calm she did not feel. "I am ready."

"As ready as is possible for you," T'Pau corrected, and Amanda pressed her lips together. "After the ceremony, you are to be escorted to the caves. You will remain there three days."

_Three days..._she hoped the Pon Farr would not last that long...Sarek had not been definitive about the duration of time the _plak'tow_ lasted. Hours? Days? How many? She should have asked him to be more specific...

From the direction of the ancient stone structure, there came the deep, reverberating sound of a gong being struck. At this, the wedding party immediately fell into position, and T'Shan led Amanda to her place before taking her own further down.

They began to move...T'Pau's chair was lifted by two young Vulcan males and she led the way, followed directly by Amanda, then the warriors wielding lirpas, then the females- shaking the wooden frames in their hands, the bells filling the air with tinkling music as they advanced forward, and from the very back of the procession came the steady beating of drums. To Amanda, the pulsing beat only magnified her anxiety as each percussive echoed the sound of her own beating heart.

They wound their way toward the stone columns. It was not a long journey, but it felt much longer to Amanda, who became more apprehensive with each step. Soon, she would be sequestered in a cave with an out-of-control Vulcan, who was also about to become her husband...she had every reason to be worried.

A second deep, resonating clash came, and as it died away they neared their destination. From between two pillars, T'Pau was carried into the clearing, and then Amanda was presented with her first view of the ancestral marriage grounds of the S'chn T'gai clan.

The stone columns- ancient and worn by time and weather, slowly crumbling away as the centuries passed- formed a ring around the sandy clearing. In the middle was a raised platform, the center sunken to form a pit full of burning embers that glowed red-hot, steam rising from it, the air above shimmering in the waves of heat. The gong hung over it, and beside it stood Sarek- dressed in ceremonial robes and watching as the entourage approached- his eyes riveted on her, and on nothing else.

T'Pau raised a hand, and her chair was set down. The bells and drums immediately went quiet and silence fell around them. Sarek stepped toward his matriarch and knelt before her. She placed her fingers on his meld points, and several silent seconds passed. Amanda could only guess at what she was doing, as Sarek had not told her about this particular part- she thought it might have something to do with gauging the state of his Pon Farr.

When she withdrew, he stood once more and backed away to join the three male Vulcans that composed his own marriage party- none of which Amanda had ever met, and could only assume were members of his family. The Vulcans and the lone human in their midst waited quietly. It was nearly thirty seconds before T'Pau said anything.

"_Kal-i-farr_," she announced. At this, Sarek once more stepped toward the platform, and raised the mallet to strike the gong as the chime of bells and beat of drums were sounded once more.

He had told her that this was the point in time during which the female would step forward to declare _kal-if-fee_, the challenge, if the marriage was undesired. As it were...no challenge came, and the gong was once more struck, the sound of it echoing around the clearing, rebounding off the stone to return to them, Amanda's entire body tingling from the vibrations in the air.

He knelt on the platform beside the glowing pit, and T'Pau looked at Amanda pointedly. The instruction was plain- she moved forward, stepping onto the platform and kneeling before Sarek, her legs folded underneath her. He extended his hand towards her, and her fingers met his in the _ozh'esta_.

He was trembling slightly, and even this small touch made him shiver. She could tell he was trying to rein it in. She pressed her fingers against his harder, trying to transmit _calm_ and _peace_, and it seemed to work, for he briefly stopped shaking as T'Pau stood and came toward them.

"I shall now meld with you, and establish the bond that will link you until death," the matriarch said. She extended both hands- one finding Sarek's meld points, and the other Amanda's. Her fingers were warm and unfamiliar as they rested against her temple. Amanda waited, eyes closed, and then...

It was the strangest experience ever. She felt not one, but two minds join hers...it was almost too much, their minds were so much _larger_, more _powerful_ than hers...and she felt somewhat overwhelmed at the thoughts mingling within her. T'Pau's mind was cool and collected- no emotion came from her at all- but Sarek's...

His mind was a rush of half-formed thoughts and feelings..._desire, need, impatience, burning pain, he _burned_, he needed..._RELEASE._ He __**must**__ have it, he __**needed**__ it, he was on fire, his body hot with the __**Fever**__...he had waited too long...Hurry! T'Pau, hurry, before it is too late..._

_ "Peace, Sarek,"_ T'Pau's voice said inside Amanda's mind. The raging emotional turbulence abated some.

Amanda could feel the elder doing something, but did not know what...she was searching, locating a portion of Amanda's brain, and then she did the same to Sarek...but she felt no different. Surely she should feel different when the bond was placed? T'Pau did not even bother to answer her as she withdrew.

Amanda blinked her eyes open, and found herself once more looking at Sarek. He was breathing heavier than normal, shuddering again. _Now_ she could feel the bond- she felt what he felt, and her entire body burned. He was in turmoil...struggling to remain in control, but it was a battle he was quickly losing.

_"I am entering the plak'tow,"_ he told her, his voice echoing in her mind. With it came a pang of dread that belonged to the both of them.

She had never felt his emotions so strongly, and she now realized that skin-to-skin contact or even the feeble link that had connected them for months was nothing compared to a fully-fledged bond. Every sensation, every tiny emotional disturbance, she felt as if it were her own. She could hear his thoughts clearly, as if he were speaking in her ear.

_"The caves," _he thought. _"Must get to the caves."_

T'Pau was speaking, and Amanda turned to look at the matriarch, who now faced the wedding party.

"I declare this marriage to be sanctioned and approved by the S'chn T'gai clan. S'chn T'gai Amanda has joined us," she said, her voice filling the clearing. At this pronouncement, the drums began to beat once more, the bells ringing in the thin air, the lirpas striking against the ground in concurrence...

T'Pau turned back to the newly-wedded couple still kneeling on the dais.

"You are now to be escorted to the caves. Rise," she commanded. They did so, as she returned to her chair.

_"Amanda, before I lose myself entirely, I must tell you..."_ Sarek thought to her as they stood and followed his aunt. He was not looking at her, instead his eyes trained straight ahead. _"I am...regretful, for the behavior you will soon see me exhibit."_

_"Don't worry about it, Sarek,"_ she thought back, but she was now unable to hide her fear _of_ him- from him. He said nothing about it, but she knew he felt it.

The procession was moving again...T'Pau once more leading the way, Sarek and Amanda following behind, and then everyone else. The caves could be seen in the distance- they were not far, but with each step in that direction, Amanda could feel Sarek's control dropping away a little more. She sought his hand, and clasped it firmly, not caring if anyone saw the human gesture. Apparently, he did not care either, because he allowed it- or maybe he just wasn't thinking clearly enough to disallow it.

_"We're almost there,"_ she said. She wasn't sure if she was relieved for his sake, or concerned for her own as she said that. He did not reply. She didn't think he was capable of forming a coherent response any more- he could only communicate with his emotions. She felt a tinge of relief and dread from him, before he was once more encompassed by the darkness that was beginning to engulf him. She now had a name for it, and she knew that soon, that same blackness would control him completely- it was the _plak'tow_. Blood fever.

They were close. Amanda could now see the black mouth of the cave. The dry heat that surrounded her was making it for her hard to breath as they neared it. A thin layer of sweat was beginning to break out on her forehead- and it wasn't just from the day's heat. He was steadily squeezing her hand harder and harder, but she did not even wince. His mind was slipping away, and as they neared the cave, her heart pounded with the knowledge of what was to come.

They were finally there. They stood at the entrance to the cave, fingers forming the _ozh'esta_, as the wedding party once more sounded the bells and drums. T'Pau looked upon them, her face blank, but then raised her hand in the salute before lowering it, and gesturing toward those behind her. As one, they turned to make their way back, leaving them alone.

He did not even wait for them to be out of sight. He grabbed her hand, and roughly pulled her along as he entered the cave. She felt a sharp pain in her arm at the yank, but she followed him without a word, rushing to keep up with his long, hurried strides. The cave was dark until they took a passage and walked along it, coming out into a chamber- it was lit with candles, and incense perfumed the air, stinging her eyes. A pallet in the center was piled with blankets.

Sarek turned to her, eyes smoldering- entirely black with the Fever. There was nothing in them but need. He burned for her. He must have her- it was imperative. He was breathing heavily as he loomed over her, his hands brutal as he easily picked her up and threw her onto the pallet.

She gasped, struggling to right herself before he joined her- his fingers grabbing at the fabric of her gown, shredding it to pieces with a loud _rip_ and flinging the remnants away- leaving her nude for him to gaze upon.

Amanda was breathing hard now, too- mostly out of fear and apprehension, as well as a touch of arousal that was originally his, and bleeding through to her from the link. She watched with wide eyes, her heart hammering against her ribs in a violent tattoo, as he shed his ceremonial robes, surveying her hungrily- and it was in that moment the last of the Sarek she knew and loved disappeared. As his heat and weight surrounded her, pinning her to the pallet, and he kissed her fervidly, she knew that the _plak'tow_ had consumed him.

* * *

She was unaware of the passage of time. It could have been hours, it could have been days- she did not know, and it did not matter. All she knew was constant fear, knowing that he could injure her at any moment, which did not stop _him_.

She did not fight him- she wouldn't even if she could. He needed this, he needed _her_- it wasn't his fault. He couldn't help it. She told herself this over and over again as he used her body to sate his scorching need. Even when she was burning with thirst and her body was heavy with exhaustion- even as bruises bloomed all over her pale skin, and the bite marks bled- she repeated to herself over and over again, willing herself to believe it: He could not help it. He did not _want_ to hurt her- and the man roughly taking her despite her pain and fear was not her husband. He was someone else entirely- a stranger.

As time wore on, and he did not allow her to rest, or even to get up to get a drink of the water stored in the cave- she found herself praying to whomever may be listening, to whatever deities that may exist in the universe, to make it stop. She had never been religious, but she wanted it to end. She wasn't sure how much more she could take. And to think, there was once a time when she had marveled at his stamina- appreciated it, even...

Her muscles ached, the bite marks stung. She was raw between her legs. Her skin was tender to the touch, and she was glad that the candles had burned down to nothing and winked out, because she had no desire to see how she must look. But she closed her eyes, and endured it- knowing this would save his life, and that mattered to her more than anything...

After what felt like days and days, she found herself sobbing against his shoulder as he once again woke her after a brief rest for another round. She was just so _tired_, physically and mentally. And as before, she felt nothing from him- nothing but the all-consuming fire. She wanted _Sarek_ back. Not this man with empty, soulless eyes and rough hands that gripped her like iron. But she did not stop him from taking what he needed- she simply laid there and let him, once more praying that this would be the last time...

And when afterward, he slipped off of her and soon fell into a deep sleep, she began to hope that maybe it _was_ over. He had not slept at all since their arrival in the cave...surely this was a good sign?

She moved away from him, wincing as she did so, drawing the blankets around her. _Please, let him be done. _She thought. And then, she allowed herself to fall into a deep sleep, as well.

* * *

Sarek opened his eyes, looking up at the dark, shadowy ceiling of the cave. At first, he neither felt nor thought anything. He was calm- calmer than he had been in a long, long time. It was over, then. His fever had broken.

His first thought was of Amanda, and with it came a jolt of panic. He sat up abruptly, looking around. She lay beside him, asleep...but something was wrong. Her breathing was labored, and her heartbeat slower, more erratic than it should be.

"Amanda?" he asked, laying a hand on her shoulder. She stirred and groaned...the blanket fell away to reveal a livid, purple bruise on her shoulder. He recoiled from her.

His internal clock told him that two days had passed since the bonding. He remembered very little of what had happened during that time...he had ripped her gown from her, and then there were only scattered memories- him taking her, even while he felt her fear across the new bond, even while he could feel her pain and exhaustion...her sobbing against his shoulder, her thoughts of "Please let this be the last time" filling his mind...

Sarek felt queasy, and the panic spiked. She was not well- he had not allowed her to rest, and likely had not allowed her to leave the pallet long enough to get a drink. Two days...he felt cold dread weigh him down.

"Amanda," he said urgently. She did not respond, but he once more felt her pain through the link- her whole body was aflame. He moved the blanket aside, steeling himself for what he would see...and when he saw the bruises on her hips, arms, legs, and abdomen; the bite marks with dried blood crusting them...he had to fight hard against the bile rising in his throat, and the self-hatred welling within him. She had known this might happen- they both had- but that did not make it any easier for him to accept. He had hurt her, and if he did not hurry, the results of his actions could be much worse than mere injuries...

He went to the small cooling unit that held water, and quickly poured some into a cup. He brought it back to Amanda, lifting her up into a sitting position. Her eyes opened briefly as he held the cup to her mouth, tipping it so the water touched her parched lips, and she drank a few sips. He stroked her hair gently, trying not to look at her bruised body as she once more slipped into unconsciousness.

This was not enough. She required medical attention, but he had no communicator and no transport- normally, after three days, someone was sent to retrieve the couple residing in a cave. Since these couples were always Vulcan, no one had taken into consideration the fact that three days was too long to wait for a human. This oversight was his fault.

Sarek set the cup aside, and wrapped Amanda more tightly in the blanket. Without a care for his own nudity, he lifted her up into his arms, making his way toward the entrance of the cave. He paused briefly once he was outside to allow his eyes to adjust from the dimness of the cave to the bright light. The sun was rising, and so was the heat. That did not stop him as he took his first step in the direction of his home, which was approximately a two hours' walk across the desert.

He could only hope that his _adun'a_ lasted that long. And if she didn't...he would never be able to forgive himself.

**A/N: I'll probably lose a few readers with this one, but before you make a decision- remember that these two live about 30 years together in relative happiness. They'll get over it, and persevere. **


	37. The Aftermath

**A/N: I want to take some time here to explain a few things...but AtanaM's review sums up my views on this subject so perfectly, I'll just copy and paste it:**

**"For chapter 36. I think people keep forgetting that the reason Pon Farr was so difficult on Amanda is because she is human. Vulcans are per canon several times stronger than humans and have a different physiology. Pon Farr is not rape and would not hurt a Vulcan woman. They have the strength and the stamina to deal with it. Human women being physically weaker and with a different physiology don't. Sarek under normal circumstances would be able to control his strength and his desire. He would not grab her too hard and he would have not expected her to "go" too long. Under Pon Farr all of those controls are gone and he treats her as he would any Vulcan woman. But Amanda isn't a Vulcan woman and what WOULDN'T hurt them DOES hurt her. He biologically can't help it and she went into it fully informed. That's not rape."**

**Just thought I should clear that up- it was consensual. Sarek did not rape Amanda. He was rough, yes, and she wanted it to end because she was exhausted and sore- but it still wasn't rape. She was willing, and had been all along, because she knew it would save his life. Hopefully, this chapter will clear that up a little more. **

**Now, on with the chapter...**

**Chapter 37: The Aftermath**

The sun was hot, beating mercilessly down on Sarek as he traversed the desert, the sand burning his bare feet as they kicked up small clouds of dust behind him. He had been traveling for two hours and fourteen minutes now- jogging at times, but forced to slow down by the combination of the heat and his tiredness. Her weight was slight in his arms, but after the last two days of physical exertion, even that slowed him.

He walked through a naturally-formed stone archway, rounded a pile of boulders, and then climbed a tall sand dune. The mansion was in sight now- not even ten minutes away. Amanda's breathing was still uneven, her heart still sluggish- but she was alive. He held her unconscious form closer against him as he forged on, stumbling slightly as he made his way down the dune. He was almost there...so close...she _must_ survive. If she didn't...his heart thudded sickeningly in his side at the thought, and fear rose within him.

At long last, he approached the gate, which opened automatically to admit him. He adjusted the woman in his arms, Amanda's head resting against his shoulder as he continued toward the double doors. She let out a moan, and stirred. He glanced down in time to see her eyes briefly open, and then close again. He quickened his pace, heart pounding faster. She was becoming weaker every moment, he could sense it...

The doors slid open as he neared them, and he crossed the threshold.

"T'Shan!" he yelled out as soon as he was in the entrance hall. His voice bounced off the expansive walls- but there had been no need. She was already there, undoubtedly seeing his approach from a window. He clutched Amanda tightly to his chest. His voice rose, dark with grief. "You must call for-"

"I have already contacted a physician, _osu_ Sarek," T'Shan replied before he could finish. "She will be here soon."

He was grateful for T'Shan at that moment. He thought, despite no outward indications, that she may be as concerned about Amanda as he was. The Vulcan woman was looking at her now, brow slightly furrowed- as if she wanted to do something, but did not know what.

Other servants were gathering to look at their master- naked, and carrying his new wife, who was wrapped in a blanket. He had no patience for it. He was oblivious to his current state of undress and the sight of his staff observing the scene caused his own fury to rise to the surface.

"Go!" he barked angrily, and they scattered. He turned back to T'Shan, jaw clenched in anger. "I will take her to her chamber."

T'Shan nodded once, and he strode past her- through the gathering room, down the corridor and up the stairs until he reached her quarters. He laid her gently on the bed, stroking her cheek. Her eyes opened halfway.

"Sarek...is it over?" she mumbled.

"Yes, my _adun'a_. It is over," he whispered softly, a pain that was not physical shooting through him.

"Good..." she said weakly, and then drifted off again.

He was afraid. "Amanda..." he said, but she did not wake this time. He pressed his forehead against hers, which was hotter than it should be- she was running a fever due to dehydration and the harsh sun. He accessed the bond...but there was nothing but blackness in her mind. He kissed her tenderly, and then drew away. "I am sorry." he whispered.

"Sorry" was not a word used by Vulcans. At the moment, he couldn't care less what was Vulcan and what was not- or what was logical. What mattered was that his wife was injured and dehydrated- near death.

He did not move from the bed until the door opened with a hiss, and a Vulcan woman entered. He recognized her- her name was T'Ren, and they had attended the Vulcan Science Academy together- she specialized in xenomedicine. She carried a medical bag, a tricorder at the ready.

"I will operate with greater efficiency if I have privacy with the human," T'Ren said as she set her bag on the bed. "You should make yourself decent, Sarek," she added, not even glancing up at him. Vulcans were not perturbed by nudity- whether theirs or someone else's. It was illogical to be disturbed by their natural state.

"Her name is Amanda," he said, his jaw clenching once more. "Not 'the human'."

She stared at him, calculating, and then nodded once.

"Very well. I will tend to Amanda while you attend to yourself," she said.

Sarek did not want to leave Amanda's side, but he knew he must. His presence was not needed, and she must be treated. He decided he would return when T'Ren left.

He stood, and left the chamber without another word. He went across the hall, into his own quarters. Once there, he immediately headed for the sonic shower- he must cleanse himself. His skin was coated with a layer of sand, red blood smeared on his torso...her scent clung to him, and he wanted to be rid of it.

It was not only physical filth that he wanted to purge himself of. As the sound waves loosened the dirt and grime, he leaned against the shower wall, wishing he could just as easily dispose of the stain on his conscience.

They had both known he would likely hurt her, and they'd both thought they were prepared. But he was finding that knowing something would happen and seeing it happen were two different things.

How could Amanda ever recover from this? He had hurt her. _Used_ her, and it didn't matter if she had been willing. He'd almost killed her- and there was still a possibility of him losing her...

He balled his hand into a fist and slammed it into the shower wall. The tiles cracked and shattered, littering the bottom of the stall with fragments of ceramic, clinking as they landed. He flexed his hand, staring at the green blood on his torn knuckles.

He should never have become associated with her. It was all a huge mistake- if he had not courted her, the link between them would never have been formed. He would never have been driven into early Pon Farr. She would never have to endure it. His Time would have come when it was supposed to, and he would have been bonded to a Vulcan woman, who could handle his strength. T'Nik had never been injured during their sojourns in the caves- Vulcan women were so much stronger than their human counterparts. They could withstand it- they even _enjoyed_ the roughness of Pon Farr, even if they would never admit it- and were left with nothing but bite marks to show for it afterward. But T'Nik was not human, and Amanda was not Vulcan.

He should have thought more about Pon Farr when he chose her. He should have realized early on that she was too fragile for it. And as if this encounter was not bad enough...what about his future Pon Farrs? They were bonded now. He could not seek another mate. But he did not want to put her through this again, either. And what of when she became elderly? She would be even weaker than she was now. Humans aged faster, did not live as long as Vulcans. As long as he did not meet with unusual circumstances, it was inevitable that he outlive her.

He had walked right into this dilemma- and dragged her into it, too.

Sarek was realizing now just how hasty, how _emotional_ his decision to have her as his bonded mate had been. He understood now- this was exactly why his ancestors had forsaken the ways of passion for logic: to prevent misguided decisions- such as the ones he had made- that could only result in disaster.

The sonic shower turned off, and he exited the refresher room. He pulled on pants and a tunic, before leaving his quarters once again.

He stood before her closed door, hands clasped behind his back. To an onlooker, he would appear to be calm, unaffected- but on the inside, he was anything but. The same thoughts, the same regrets, chased each other around in his head.

Sarek knew that it was illogical to regret actions that could not be undone. He _had_ chosen her. He _had_ bonded with her. Nothing could change that, and he wouldn't even want to if it hadn't been for _this_. It was too late now, and there was nothing he could do but hope their future was not as dismal as he now imagined it to be.

His musing was interrupted when the door swished open. He straightened, his shoulders tensing, as T'Ren came out. She paused before him.

"I have injected her with hydration hypos, as well as pain-suppressants and agents that will allow her to heal faster. She will awake soon, within an hour or two. She will still be in pain- I shall leave behind enough medication to assist her recovery. Her cracked rib will take longer to mend, but overall, she will be healthy again in ten days."

Cracked rib? Sarek hadn't even known about that particular injury...fresh guilt erupted within him. He looked away from T'Ren, towards the door behind her. The physician continued.

"It is fortunate that her most threatening affliction was dehydration, as it was quickly remedied and she is now stabilized. The rest of her injuries, while painful, would not have been fatal or even lasting," she said.

She was telling him it was not as bad as he had thought...but that did not help. The fact was, even though it appeared she would recover, she _had_ almost died. If he hadn't brought her back himself, she would have been gone by the time their transportation came for them the next day. He repressed a shudder at this thought. He was being illogical again- there was no need to indulge in what-if scenarios when it was obvious that had not happened, and she was alive.

"I will return in three days to ascertain that her progress is as it should be," T'Ren now said. "I will take my leave of you."

"Thank you, T'Ren," Sarek said. She looked at him peculiarly.

"There is no need to express gratitude, Sarek."

He must have spent so much time in the company of a human that he had picked up some human habits...such as thanking someone when they were only doing their job.

Sarek bowed his head, and T'Ren then left him alone before the door. He watched her disappear around a corner before entering the bedchamber.

Amanda was precisely where he had left her, the blanket still covering her. She was pale, and had dark patches under her eyes, but her heart rate and breathing were now normal. He crossed to her closet, finding her nightclothes, and then gently dressed her in them, careful not to jostle her too much or touch the bruises. He then drew the blankets up to her chin, and sat in a nearby chair, his hands folded before his lips as if in prayer.

He watched Amanda silently, her chest rising and falling slowly. She had known all along how dangerous it would be during his Time. She could have backed out many times, and yet she had not. She had sacrificed her body for him. She had done so willingly, even if fearfully.

She had saved him. She had risked everything for him. She had forsaken a normal human life to bond with him, to help him through his Time. She loved him so much, she had been willing to die if need be. That idea was...humbling, to Sarek.

He would forever be in her debt. He didn't know if he could ever adequately make it up to her. He must attempt to show her how grateful he was, he must show how much he appreciated the sacrifice she had made. He did not know how he would do so, but he would. She deserved nothing less for the deed she had done for him.

He slipped into a light meditation in an attempt to focus his thoughts and emotions. It worked somewhat, for he was calmer when the door slid open again and T'Shan entered.

"T'Ren left these with me," she said, setting the pouch of hypos on a table. He opened his eyes and looked at her.

"Thank you for taking the initiative to call her," he said. "You may have been instrumental in saving Amanda's life."

"It was logical to do so when I saw you approaching," T'Shan said. "Is there anything you require of me, _osu_ Sarek?"

"I have something I must attend to. Will you remain here while I do so?"

"Of course," T'Shan replied. Sarek stood, straightening his tunic and looking over at Amanda's sleeping form.

"If she awakens and asks for me, I will be in my office. If she does not ask for me, let her be," he instructed.

He would not force his presence upon her. He _wanted_ to be present- but not if she did not want the same thing. This was her decision.

T'Shan nodded, and he left...hoping Amanda would ask for him, but sure that she would not.

* * *

Amanda was first aware of pain all throughout her body, and then she opened her eyes. She was in her chamber, but she didn't remember how she had gotten there.

She vaguely recalled the sensation of being carried, of hot sunlight beating down on her, and then asking Sarek something...and as for what had happened before all that, she tried _not_ to remember. She had been exhausted and sore, but determined to endure it for his survival...

She had known what it would be like. But that had not made it easier. That had not prepared her for the real thing. And as for Sarek...

She struggled to sit up in bed, and pain shot up her side. She winced, laying a hand on her ribcage.

"Lady Amanda," T'Shan said, standing from the chair she had been sitting in.

"T'Shan," she said, laying back down and trying to ignore the dull aches all over her body. "Where's Sarek?"

"He is in his office, attending to business," T'Shan replied. "Do you require anything?"

"A pain-suppressant, if there is one," she said, laying a hand on her forehead and closing her eyes again. She still felt tired, and weak. "Is Sarek okay?"

"Okay?" T'Shan questioned, eyebrows rising as she went to a table where there lay several hypos.

"Is he well?" she amended.

"I find it strange that you would be so concerned for his welfare, when you are the one who suffered most," T'Shan remarked. "It is illogical."

"I just want to know that it wasn't all in vain," Amanda replied. She could feel her strength slowly returning to her as T'Shan leaned over and injected her.

"_Osu_ Sarek is well," she said. "Despite the fact that he walked two hours and twenty-seven minutes in the desert to bring you here."

"He did that?" Amanda asked, her voice rising in wonder.

"Is that not what I said?"

Amanda pressed her head back into her pillow, looking up at the ceiling. He had carried her across the desert, to safety. The idea filled her with wonderment and awe. He had done that, for her. True, it was the least he could do after what she had done for him, but she was grateful that his Fever had broken and he had immediately taken it upon himself to get her medical attention.

"Is he going to come see me?" she asked.

"Do you wish for him to?" T'Shan asked. Amanda considered it. Part of her wanted to see him...but another part did not. That part was not _ready_ to see him yet. What should she say to the man she loved after what they had just been through together? She shouldn't let it change things- they had known it was coming and that it would be bad, but...

"I suppose," she said, pulling her blanket up higher. The words came from between her lips before she had even completely thought it through, and she immediately regretted them. What if she _wasn't_ ready to see him yet? But T'Shan was already heading for the door, and then she was gone.

Silence fell. Amanda swallowed hard, and laid her head back, pressing her lips together. She took a deep, shuddering breath- letting it out forcefully when one of her ribs burned from the action. Her skin was still tender, and she forced herself to look down...her arms were dotted with finger-shaped bruises, and she bit her lip. She didn't have the courage to lift the blanket and look at the rest of her body, although she did note that someone had dressed her in pajamas- probably Sarek.

After several minutes, the door opened again, and Amanda looked up. She experienced conflicting emotions as Sarek paused just inside the door to look at her: Relief, in knowing that he was fine. Dread, for the things that must be spoken of. And...fear. But fear of what? Was she afraid that he would relapse at any moment? That it wasn't really over? That she would once more have to see those familiar eyes black with fathomless need? That she would once more feel those hands that were so calmly lowered to his sides, gripping her ferociously?

As if he heard her thoughts, his hands flexed, and then he clasped them behind his back. Amanda froze- she had completely forgotten about the bond. He was in her mind- in the very back, a buzzing presence that had been there, but was unnoticeable until that moment.

"Perhaps I should not have come," Sarek said quietly, and he turned toward the door. She felt a pang within her, and wasn't sure if it was hers, or his.

"Wait!" she called. She wasn't sure why she said that- it would have been easier to just let him go. He turned back. "Don't go yet," she added softly. He looked at her, his eyes searching her face, before he lowered his arms to his sides again and crossed the room to sit in the chair T'Shan had vacated.

Neither of them said anything for a few minutes. She looked at him, but he was looking straight ahead, his hands folded before him. He had not been nearly as calm the last time she had seen him...she tried to shove away the image she envisioned of him looming above her.

The rational part of her brain knew he was not to blame, that it was not his fault. It knew that the man who had used her was not the same one before her. They were two separate beings, within the same body- one, whom she loved; the other, lying dormant, biding its time...

The irrational part of her brain, however...would not let her forget how she had felt. Tired, thirsty, in pain. Longing for it to be over, just so she could rest. Frustrated that it was lasting so long, and there was nothing she could do to hasten the ending. This man- even if it had not been his mind, it had been his body that did it to her. How could she look at his face again, and not remember how feral it had once looked, no matter how placid it now was?

"Is there anything you require?" Sarek's voice- far more gentle than usual- broke through her reverie. He was looking at her now.

"No," she said, but part of her wanted him to hold her. She just didn't want to ask it of him, nor did she know how.

"Amanda..." he shifted in his chair, clearing his throat slightly. This display of discomfort was unusual, and for one wild moment, she feared that it _wasn't_ over..."I have no words to describe how much I regret what I have done to you."

Surprisingly, what she felt at this statement was..._anger_.

"Don't you dare, Sarek!" she snapped. He looked at her, confused, his eyebrows drawn together.

"I do not know-"

"You're blaming yourself! You're feeling guilty. Well- _don't_!" she said fiercely, struggling to sit up, despite the burning in her ribcage and her protesting muscles. He stood, as if to prevent her from it, but it was too late. She was sitting up now, the pain far from her mind as she glared at him. "I knew what I was getting into. I've known since before you proposed- when you gave me the chance to leave you. And I didn't. I knew Pon Farr was dangerous, and it didn't stop me. I was _willing_, because I knew it would help you! You couldn't help it, Sarek. It's your biology, and you can't feel guilty just for being Vulcan."

"You almost died," he said, his voice dead-quiet. He stood at the foot of her bed, watching her with eyes full of sorrow. "You were severely dehydrated, and even now you are in pain, with a fractured rib and bruises all over you. How can I not hold guilt?"

Amanda knew that she must have been close to death, so that was no surprise. But what mattered was that she _lived_.

"Then I guess we learned from this experience. Next time, we know what to expect. We know what to prepare for. I can deal with pain, Sarek. And as for dehydration- that's what hydrating hypos are for. We'll just bring a med-kit with us next time."

"Next time," he repeated, his voice laced with contempt at the thought.

"Yes, Sarek, _next_ _time_," Amanda said. "As in, your next Pon Farr seven years from now, which I will help you through. Just like I did this time- because I _love_ you and don't want you to _die_!"

Her voice was steadily rising, and angry tears were stinging her eyes, but they had not yet fallen. She struggled to keep them at bay as he spoke.

"I feel your pain, and not only that which is physical," Sarek said calmly. "You are in torment. You cannot see me without thinking of what happened, of how I was. That is worse than knowing that I injured you, and that you came near death."

"My _torment_ is irrelevant," she retorted. "I know, like _you_ should, that what happened was no surprise. We talked about it before, we had a general idea of what to expect."

"You are rationalizing, for my sake, to make me believe you. But you do not believe it yourself," Sarek said stonily.

"Get the _fuck_ out of my head!" she yelled, and the link deadened. She was breathing hard, her rib aching. "There's enough pain in this situation without you adding to it, which is _exactly_ what you're doing! _Stop_ blaming yourself, damn it!"

She honestly believed that any blame belonged to her- she could have refused him long ago. It was her fault for getting into this mess. She had known what could happen, and she had not heeded the warnings given to her. T'Pau had been right- she was not adequate for the task. But she had risen to the occasion anyway, and survived.

"You should rest," Sarek said, his tone still even. "You must still be tired, and this discussion is not conducive to your recovery."

"Then go!" she snapped. He paused, as if about to say something, and he looked at her with sadness in his eyes before he did what she ordered, and left.

She sank down onto the bed, pulling the blankets around her. She let the tears escape, coursing down her cheeks freely. She stifled the sobs, because they only hurt her cracked rib more, and she took deep, calming breaths.

Now was not a time to fight with him. She regretted the argument already. They were both hurting, and she had attacked him for being concerned about her. He'd been right...everything she'd told him, she had not fully convinced herself of yet. She had been trying to alleviate his own distress- she had tried to make it so at least one of them was not suffering. She had wanted to take the burden on herself, but he would not allow it.

Amanda didn't know whether she loved him or hated him for that.

She was still crying silently when T'Shan entered. She stopped short when she saw the state Amanda was in, but then came toward her, setting the tray of food she had brought on the night table.

"T'Shan?" Amanda murmured, wiping away the wetness on her cheeks.

"Yes, Lady Amanda?" T'Shan asked.

"I know Vulcans don't talk about personal matters. But...I need someone to talk to. To confide in," she whispered. She needed to get this off her chest.

"You may continue," T'Shan said. "What you say will not be repeated by me."

Amanda took a breath.

"If I had known months ago, when I first met Sarek and we started dating, that he was capable of this- I would have thought twice about it. I would never have married him. But by the time he told me, it was too late..." she forced back a sob, and buried her face in her arm. "He told me to make a decision based on the facts, and I didn't. I made my decision based on love. It would have been better for me, but even better for him, if I had said no."

T'Shan did not reply- perhaps she did not know what to say to such an emotional and private confession. No matter...Amanda hadn't been looking for sympathy, or for any words at all. She had merely needed to tell someone, _anyone_, what was plaguing her. She had, and now...she felt better.

Despite her silence, Amanda felt a growing kinship with the Vulcan woman now helping her sit up, and setting the tray of plomeek soup on her lap.

Her new marriage was off to the worst possible start, and she knew there was a lot of work to be done on both her and Sarek's part...but maybe she had found a friend on Vulcan at last.


	38. Coping

**Chapter 38: Coping**

Sarek stared at the 3D-chess board before him. Chess enabled him to think clearly. Logically. Unemotionally.

It was a complex game- and it required his full attention. It was a test of strategy, of wit. It distracted him. While he played chess, he could not think about Amanda, and the way her voice had sounded as she told him to leave...he could not think of what he had felt from her and seen in her mind when he was with her. This was what he required right now.

He saw movement out of the corner of his eye, but did not even look up as he reached out to move a knight.

"T'Shan," he acknowledged. The Vulcan woman stepped forward from the doorway, into the dim lighting. "How is she faring?" he asked.

"She is sleeping again. The contusions are fading, and she is asking for pain-suppressants less often," T'Shan replied. "_Osu_...it has been three days. It is not my place to ask this, but why do you not visit her?"

"She told me to go," Sarek said flatly. "Will you join me in a match?"

She hesitated, and then sat across the table from him. He reset the board, and made his first move.

"When I enter the room," T'Shan said slowly. "I can only describe the expression she gives as 'disappointed'. I am unfamiliar with facial cues, but I am certain that is what it is. She is disappointed because she expects me to be you."

"You are assuming. How illogical," Sarek said bitterly as she moved a piece.

"I am not assuming. I am observing," T'Shan retorted. "She does not ask for you, but I believe she wishes to. There are times when she begins to say something, and stops."

"She could be attempting to say anything," Sarek countered as he debated his next move. "Why are you concerning yourself with this?"

"I am not 'concerning' myself with anything," T'Shan said, stiffening in her chair at the implication. "I am merely informing you of how she is faring, which is what you asked of me."

"You seem to have grown fond of her. I have never heard you become so defensive," Sarek said, eyes still on the board.

"Perhaps that is what she requires at this time, and you are not willing to give it because you are illogically dwelling on what has happened," T'Shan said, her voice as even as ever, but infused with disapproval. "You are failing in your duties as bond mate. You are charged with the responsibility of caring for her and seeing her through such times. You have not done so, and your reasoning is that she 'told you to go'. You have not even tried to see her again."

"I do not see how this warrants your interference, T'Shan," Sarek said coldly.

"You are speaking to the woman who has known you since infancy and assisted in raising you, Sarek," T'Shan replied, her voice icy. "I know very well how your mind works. You will allow guilt to consume you."

Sarek noted that she had called him by his name, without the appropriate title- which she only did in private and when particularly displeased with him. There had been very few occasions when she was this forceful, speaking above her rank. Each time, it had been necessary.

He _had_ known her all his life. She had been more of a mother to him than his own mother- as illogical as such a thought was, and even though she was only sixteen years his senior. He trusted her more than all the rest of his servants, combined. That was why she was head of staff. The fact that she was considered beneath him and must therefore follow his orders did not matter- he respected her, and sometimes she did see fit to intervene in his affairs. Yet unlike with T'Pau, it was always in his best interest to listen to her.

T'Shan had disapproved heavily of Amanda when he first started courting her. She had not said as much, but he knew it from the way she observed him. Eventually, disapproval had morphed into grudging acceptance, and then into tentative approval. Now, it appeared that she was fending for Amanda. She had, indeed, grown fond of her, although he was unsure of why or how that had occurred.

"She did not want my presence. It would not have been logical to pursue the matter," Sarek finally replied.

"She did not want it at the time," T'Shan corrected. Sarek did not reply as he moved his queen. He could not argue that point. "You cannot expect to heal your marriage if you do not attempt to mend it," she continued.

"You are speaking above your station," Sarek replied rigidly.

"You are correct, _osu_," T'Shan said quietly, slipping back into her servile demeanor as she moved her rook. "I apologize."

But she had said what she came to say, and Sarek knew it. As she had intended, her words had stirred a different kind of guilt within him. She was right- he had not been attending to his duties as bond mate by avoiding Amanda. He glanced up at her, and saw that the very smallest of smirks was playing at the corners of her mouth. Her eyes met his, and he wanted to curse. She always managed to do this, somehow. She was as crafty as T'Pau, if not sometimes more so.

"Checkmate, _osu_," T'Shan now said, and he stared at the board. Sure enough, he was in check, and there was no available move. Perhaps he had been more distracted than he realized.

"I see," he said, and sat back in his chair. "I will take what you have said into consideration, T'Shan."

She stood from her seat and made her way to the door.

"It is time to administer her medication," she said. "She should awaken soon."

She left, and Sarek was left looking at the chess board. He _had_ been dwelling. Like Amanda, the rational portion of his brain told him it could not have been helped- he would have died otherwise. Amanda had known what was going to happen, and accepted the fact that he would become violent and she could be injured. But then there was that troublesome part of him, from which emotions originated...his sorrow and regret ran deep, making him feel heavy.

On the day of his return, he had contacted the embassy to extend his requested leave. He did not wish to return to work until Amanda was physically recovered. He had intended to be in her chamber, every minute of every day...but then she'd wanted him gone. That had hurt. He'd expected as much, but when T'Shan had come to inform him that she wanted him, he had begun to illogically hope that maybe she could look past what had happened, and forgive him.

The fact that she wanted to place the blame on herself was supremely illogical, even by human standards. It was, in no way, her fault- and if he had a chance, he would hasten to assure her of that. She had made the decision to help him, true- but that did not make it her fault.

He could not control the way his biology was structured. He could not prevent Pon Farr, or the subsequent loss of emotional control and absence of the ability to check his strength. But that knowledge did not make him feel any less regretful.

Emotions were complicated. He understood why some Vulcans eradicated them through the _kolinahr_. It was difficult- nearly impossible, sometimes- to ignore them entirely. If he were completely logical, he would be able to accept this situation by the facts alone, without such interference. As it were...

Sarek stood, and headed out of the gathering room. He walked down the corridor, up the stairs, down another hallway...he stopped briefly at Amanda's door, listening. He could hear the soft murmur of feminine voices within, and he almost entered...but then he continued on his way to the meditation chamber. He wasn't ready to see her again...not yet. But he knew he must soon, because T'Shan was right. He just didn't know how he would find a reason to go see her without admitting that he simply wanted to.

* * *

Amanda watched as T'Shan entered the newest sentences into her PADD. They had resumed her Vulcan lessons, and were now starting to get into sentence structure- which was proving to be difficult. But she was glad to have something to do.

T'Shan had spent most of the last three days with her. She wasn't sure if that was on Sarek's orders, or of her own volition. She didn't care...if Sarek wasn't going to visit her again after their argument, at least she would have _someone_ for company.

At first she'd decided it was good that he stayed away, because she knew what she would see when she saw him...but after a few days, she had to admit she missed him. Was he still suffering? Had what he'd seen and felt from her only made it worse? She didn't want him to suffer, she really didn't. If there was a way to help him, she would take it. This was all for him, after all. She lay there in bed, for him. Not _because_ of him..._for_ him.

She missed the way things had been before. So peaceful, so happy. She could even go so far as to call that first month on Vulcan perfect. A real taste of what their marriage could be like. Now...everything was different.

"I have written ten phrases in Vulcan, ten in Standard," T'Shan said, handing her the PADD. Amanda took it, looking down at the screen.

"Please, have mercy," she joked. T'Shan stared. "Never mind," Amanda said, shaking her head with a small smile. T'Shan wasn't always the best of company- she didn't appear to have a sense of humor, and unlike Sarek, she was unfamiliar with human ways and sayings. Beyond their studies, she did not speak much. But her presence was enough. Amanda wasn't alone.

Physically, she felt a lot better. Her pain was lessening by the day, and the bruises on her arms were almost gone, the others faded. The bite marks were closed over, although still pink and raw. Her rib was as painful as ever, but it was tolerable. She was healing, and soon there would be no signs of what she had endured from- and for- Sarek.

Mentally...she wasn't sure yet. She didn't appear to be in shock anymore, as she could now close her eyes without seeing dark images in her mind's eye- in fact, she could think about Sarek without such thoughts intruding, and that was an improvement after the first day. For the most part, she didn't even think about what had happened. Right now, she was focused more on getting better and somehow getting Sarek alone so they could try to fix this. She didn't know _how_ they would fix it, but she knew it had to happen. There must be a way to return to how they had been before. She wanted to be happy with her husband again.

Maybe the rational part of her was starting to take over and engulf the irrational. Maybe she would be able to see him now. Maybe...just maybe...she would even be able to touch him- a light touch of his arm, her hand against his cheek. She ached to see him, despite all that had happened.

"Lady Amanda?" T'Shan asked. Amanda blinked, looking up. The Vulcan woman was looking at her peculiarly again. "You have not even begun your translations," she said.

"Oh," Amanda said, and cleared her throat before training her eyes on the screen again. "I was just a little distracted for a moment."

T'Shan's gaze was steady on her as she continued her work. She could feel her eyes burning into her. Surely she knew exactly what had distracted her, but she said nothing.

When the translations were finished, T'Shan went over them with her, pointing out her mistakes and instructing her on how to correct them in the future. She was an excellent teacher, and Amanda could only hope she would be as good, one day.

"T'Shan..." Amanda said thoughtfully, looking out the window toward the red sky. "Do the Terran ambassador's children live on Vulcan?"

"I am not sure, as their situation in no way relates to me," she replied. "But most ambassadorial families are stationed on planets together. _Osu_ Sarek would know the answer to your query."

Amanda looked at the Vulcan suspiciously. T'Shan was not looking at her, instead looking down at the PADD, but she had a feeling that she was being...well, sneaky. She was trying to get her to ask for Sarek. She had made similar comments the past few days, and each time, Amanda had the feeling she was hinting at something.

"I was just wondering...I mean, I'll need something to do when I get my degree here in six weeks, and I was thinking that maybe I could apply for a position as a tutor. Children can't rely solely on computer programs for their education, as I'm sure they have to do here. They could benefit from having someone to help them."

"There is no need to explain yourself, Lady Amanda. I already deduced that was your intention when you asked me," T'Shan replied. She finally looked up. "It would be wise to find occupations to fill your time."

"I _know_ it would be, that's why I'm doing it," Amanda replied with a small smile.

T'Shan returned to the PADD, and Amanda sat back against the headboard, her knees drawn up to her chest. She looked out the glass-paned door at the balcony beyond, and recalled the day when Sarek had played his _ka'athyra_ for her on his own balcony. She rested her head against the pillow behind her, letting herself reminisce about that peaceful moment.

That had been how she envisioned their marriage to be. She'd thought at the time how the rest of her life could be like that. Three days later, she had been brought back to reality. Pon Farr was yet another huge contrast between their cultures, and surely it would not be the last. In that wonderful moment during which her soon-to-be husband played music for her, she had been able to forget the adversities they faced. She wanted to go back to that moment, even if only briefly, so that she could lose herself in it and forget their current troubles.

Her eyes slipped close, and she could almost feel the divan beneath her, could almost hear the haunting melody; could almost smell the dryness of the desert below, feel the heat of the Vulcan air around her. She could see Sarek in her mind- fingers moving nimbly over the strings. That memory was pure, untempered contentment.

She knew their whole marriage could be like that, if they worked toward it. But how could she make him stop blaming himself- and how could she stop trying to do the same? The truth was, no one was at fault. They'd done what they had to do to ensure his survival. And it was over now. No lasting harm was done.

Now, she felt that she actually believed it, not like she was still unconvinced. She was getting better. Physically, and possibly mentally and emotionally.

When the door slid open two minutes later, she was startled, and sat up straighter. T'Shan looked up, and then set aside her PADD, standing.

"I must go see to the staff," she said, not looking at either Amanda or Sarek as she left. Soon, they were left alone once more.

Amanda stared at Sarek, who stood looking at her, as if unsure of himself. She noticed that he carried the _ka'athyra_, and when she saw it, her eyebrows furrowed. How had he known?

"I was in meditation when you opened the link," he said quietly. "I know it was unintentional on your part to open it, but you were thinking of my playing the instrument. I thought you would not be unwilling to hear me play it once more."

She had opened the bond? She hadn't been aware of it. Perhaps thinking of him had been enough to do so.

"Go ahead," she said, sliding down so that she was laying on her side, facing the chair. He sat in it, and positioned the _ka'athyra _on his lap.

It was becoming easier for her to separate the man before her from the one in her memories. It really was not hard to do- he was so calm, so gentle-looking. _This_ was the Sarek she knew. The other did not matter- he was gone now.

"Is there a particular song you wish me to play?" he asked, looking down at the strings.

"No, play what you want," she replied, propping her chin on her hand and watching him. He paused for a moment, considering, and then positioned his fingers to begin.

Soon, a sweet, slow tune filled the air. Amanda found herself smiling- her first true smile in days. The music was lovely, captivating...she didn't recognize the song, but it was beautiful.

His eyes were closed as he played, his head bowed forward. His fingers moved effortlessly, as if this were a song he played so often that it came from him naturally. It rose and fell, only to rise again, the notes blending together smoothly. Amanda watched him, eyes softening, as well as her heart. Any anger she still felt toward him from their argument was falling away.

When the song ended, and he opened his eyes as if coming out of a daze, the first thing he saw was her smile.

"Come here," she said. He hesitated, tilting his head.

"Are you sure that is wise?" he asked.

"Yes, I'm sure," she said. He stood, setting the _ka'athyra_ on the chair before joining her, sitting on the edge of the bed- far enough away so that he wasn't touching her.

She had not been this close to him since that day, but she wasn't disturbed by it. She could feel the heat coming off his body, and it made her want to bury her head in his chest- but she did not.

"Thank you for coming," she said. "I'm sorry about the other day," she added in a lower voice.

"You should not be sorry for anything," he replied immediately, a hard edge to his voice. "You say I should not blame myself, yet you should not do so either."

"You're right," she said, and took a deep breath. "We need to talk about this."

"Is that not what we are doing now?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.

"I mean...talk about what happened in detail, and work our way through this. Our marriage isn't exactly off to a good start, here," she said.

"No, it is not," he agreed. There was a silence, during which Amanda looked down at the blanket, and he watched her. She looked up, and caught those obsidian eyes gazing at her with sadness.

"Stop looking at me like that," she said softly. "I'm not a china doll, Sarek. I'm fine. There is no lasting damage. So there's no need to feel sorry for me and be self-deprecating about this. It's over."

He did not seem convinced. He looked away from her, and she sighed. He wasn't done feeling guilty, then. She reached out and tentatively laid her hand over his, which rested between them. He jerked away, and it was like a knife going through her heart.

"Sarek..." she said, and drew away, her knees against her chest as she hugged her legs.

"It is not what you think," Sarek said, and he held up his hand. Her lips parted in surprise when she saw that the skin on his knuckles was torn, and green with bruises.

"What happened? It looks like you punched something," she said. He looked down at the hand and flexed it.

"It would appear so," he said coolly, and lowered the hand again. "Amanda, there is something I think we should do. It could help this situation."

"What is it?" she asked.

"A mind meld. There is something I wish to show you, and I hope it will assist your complete recovery," he said. "But I will not do it without your express permission."

"A mind meld," she repeated. She wasn't sure if that was a good idea at the moment, but if he thought it could somehow help her..."Okay. I trust you," she said.

He raised his hand, his fingers coming just within reach of her face.

"You are sure?" he asked gently. She nodded, and his fingers brushed against her temple. His skin was so warm, his touch so familiar...he initiated the meld, and soon their minds mingled together.

His presence was large, powerful, _alien_. It was so much more complex than hers- sensations, emotions, and thoughts flitted through her mind that were not hers. She was not able to capture one long enough to examine it. He thought in Vulcan, she quickly found- which did not help her understand the stream of thoughts coming from him.

_"Your mind is strange,"_ he observed in Standard. _"Unfamiliar."_

_"So's yours,"_ she retorted. She felt a flicker of something from him, but was unsure what it was- it may have been amusement, but it was gone as quickly as it had come. _"What did you want to show me?"_ she asked.

_"This,"_ he said, and then she felt a surge of emotion from him- it was so overpowering that in the physical world, she gasped. It was a jumble of feelings- affection, joy, sorrow, _heartbreak_. He was showing her his love for her, but also what he was feeling at the moment.

"Don't feel sorrow. Please," she whispered, both in her mind and out loud. She felt..._relief_, and another surge of _love_ from him. She basked in it as it filled her- overwhelmed her. She felt hot tears rolling down her cheeks- but they were happy tears. She had never known that he loved her this much. How could he contain it?

_"Vulcans feel more strongly, more deeply, than humans,"_ Sarek explained. _"That is why we had to bind our emotions. The strength of our passions destroyed us."_

She tried to reciprocate the flow of emotion, but found that she didn't really know how, and her effort was clumsy. She became frustrated.

_"I must train you on how to operate the bond, as well as on how to control your mind,"_ Sarek said. _"Do not be frustrated with your inability."_

He was soothing the irritation away, and she was calmer. She found that she did not mind this. It was nice, to have him in here with her. But they would have to discuss rules- such as no opening the bond without permission, because it was an invasion of her privacy.

_"I agree,"_ Sarek said. Amanda felt tenderness, but was unsure who it came from.

_"Where were you these past three days? I wanted to see you- I regretted our argument. This Pon Farr thing needs to be put behind us, and I can't do that if you don't talk to me,"_ Amanda said...and immediately wished she had not.

The mention of Pon Farr triggered something within him- and suddenly, she was not surrounded by warm, reassuring feelings of love- but dark, fathomless depths of self-hatred and disgust. She began to panic- she was drowning in the feelings, they were dragging her down, filling her with black emotions, and she saw flashes of images...

She was below him- sobbing with exhaustion, but he was continuing because he had to. He felt nothing at that time, but now, the memory was accompanied by revulsion and anger. He was taking her again and again and again, and she lay resigned below him. Then- he was afraid. He had never been so afraid in his life. She could die. He was carrying her in the hot sunlight, across the desert, bare feet burning. He must get home, to a physician. If she died, he'd might as well be dead himself...

He slammed his fist into the shower wall as he contemplated all that was, but should not be. He was full of anger directed at himself. He had been careless, emotional. Because of it, she suffered. Then- she was telling him to leave- and it was like someone had shot him with a phaser...

Amanda struggled to find her way out of the mass of darkness, but she could not fight the current. They were both trapped- locked together in a loop of fear, panic, and loss of control. Now, her memories were joining his, unbidden- he was above her, and she wanted it to end. He was gripping her too tightly, bruising her hips, but she barely felt the pain. It was not his fault, he could not help it, she told herself.

"Sarek! Get me out of here!" she cried, again both in her head and out loud. She felt his own fear- he was struggling, too. They were caught. But finally, he was able to clear his mind of the turbulent, painful memories long enough to disengage.

She fell back against the bed- chest heaving, her body shaking. Tears still fell from her eyes- but they were not happy any more. Sarek was breathing hard as well, hands trembling- not looking at her.

"I am sorry," he whispered sorrowfully. He placed his head in his hands. "I should not have melded with you. Neither of us were ready. I am emotionally compromised."

She said nothing- there was nothing she could say, because she knew he was right. They had not been ready- it was too soon, the wounds were still too fresh.

Amanda continued to shiver, and finally spoke after nearly a minute.

"What have we gotten ourselves into?" she whispered. "Are we going to be able to get past this?"

Sarek finally looked at her- and she saw that his eyes were tinged green, bloodshot. Was it possible that he was trying not to cry? As far as she knew, Vulcans did not cry...

"I do not know," he whispered, in anguish. Her lip trembled, and she reached out, placing her arms around him, drawing him against her and laying her head against his shoulder.

"We have to try," she said. "We love each other. We have to try. We can't let this overcome us."

He buried his face against her neck, and they held each other tightly- still trembling, still reeling from the after-effects of the meld. And she felt wetness against her skin.


	39. Healing

**A/N: Finally, a lighter chapter for you...**

**Chapter 39: Healing**

Amanda sat cross-legged on her bed, brow furrowed as she chewed on her stylus and stared at the PADD screen before her. When Sarek entered the room quietly and set the tray that held her dinner on the nightstand, she didn't even look up.

"Are there any types of metal restraints strong enough to hold a Vulcan?" she asked. When she was met by silence, she glanced up at him. He was staring at her.

"Why would you ask such a question?" he asked uneasily.

"I'm making a list of things we'll need next time," Amanda explained, dropping her eyes to the PADD again.

"Is it not too soon to be thinking of an event that will take place seven years from now?" Sarek asked, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"No, it's _not_ too soon. And how do you know it will be seven years? It was six this time. Who's to say it won't come prematurely again?" she asked.

"That was different. My body was unaccustomed to the hormonal fluctuations," Sarek replied. Amanda glanced up again- he wasn't looking at her. She bit her lip. They had not discussed what occurred two days before. Not the meld, nor the fact that he had cried. They seemed to have come to an unspoken agreement to never discuss it- _ever_. But it _had_ happened, and he seemed to act differently after sharing such a private, emotional moment with her. He'd hardly left her side, silently tending to her, even when she protested that she did not need it.

There was still tension. A lot of it. They had not touched since that embrace, which had lasted nearly an hour before either of them had the courage or willpower to pull away.

Afterward, their eyes rarely met. Their conversations were short and stilted. Instead, they spent their time quietly- content that neither of them was alone, but unsure of what to say. They'd both avoided the topic of Pon Farr- until now.

"And you're sure your body will be accustomed to it seven years from now? Or are you suggesting that we're not going to so much as _touch_ until then?" Amanda asked, one eyebrow raised. He finally looked at her, eyes sweeping her face, before he looked away again. She was forcing the issue, she knew. But she couldn't take walking on eggshells much longer. They had to move on. So she was forcing them to.

"If we do continue relations- yes, my body would become accustomed to it, and my cycle would be back to how it should be," he replied.

She was dissatisfied with that answer.

"I _am_ going to expect sex again sometime in the future," she pointed out. "Not right now, but I will, eventually. So I don't know what's with the- _if_- we continue relations."

"I suggest a titanium alloy for the restraints," he replied, ignoring her previous statement. She sighed in frustration, but made a note on her PADD. She would work on the subject of sex in the future- they would worry about it when she actually got the urge again, which she didn't see happening any time soon. Until then, she'd let him think she'd relented. She had a feeling it wasn't going to be easy to convince him.

"I'm thinking that a low dose of sedative would be enough to slow you down, to allow you to do what you need to while not being as rough. A full dosage would be enough to let me rest for awhile," she continued. Sarek shifted uncomfortably.

"Is it necessary to discuss this now?" he asked.

"Yes, it is _necessary_," she replied, with a pointed look at him. "It would be best to plan the next one while this last one is still fresh in our minds." She leaned back against the headboard, stretching out her legs and draping them over his lap. "So you're not going _anywhere_," she added.

He now seemed even more uncomfortable than before, but did not remove her legs. She settled the PADD on her lap and looked at the next item on the list.

"Nutrition. Now that we know dehydration is an issue, we need to make sure there's water nearby, and hydration hypos in case of an emergency. Also some high-nutrition energy bars. Preferably a full med-kit, too, in case of accidental injury, although with the restraints and sedative, I don't think that's such a problem."

Sarek's eyebrows were now drawn together. She knew it was not pleasant for him to know that these things were actually necessary- but now they both knew he really _could_ hurt her, and they'd learned the hard way. She reached out to rub his arm soothingly, and he tensed under her touch.

"You know, Sarek, this isn't easy for me, either," she said- breathing out a resigned sigh and softening her tone just slightly. "But it helps me to know that we can prevent all this next time. That's why I'm doing this _now_ instead of in seven years. Next time, we'll be fully prepared for any eventuality, and that knowledge comforts me," she said. He relaxed somewhat, the tension easing out of his muscles.

"Continue, Amanda," he said quietly, and she was surprised but pleased when he laid a hand on her ankle, his thumb tracing circles around the delicate ankle bone.

"All right," she said, looking back down and feeling better. "Next time, we need to get to the caves sooner. I think that was part of your problem this last time- you waited too long, and it built up. So no delaying."

He nodded once, still not looking at her. She nudged him with her foot, and when he looked up, she scooted down so that she was sitting in his lap- straddling him. He leaned back- as if afraid to get too close to her- and she extended her first two fingers to him. He looked at them, then up at her, before meeting them in the _ozh'esta_. She began to send him a stream of emotion.

"Do you want to repair this?" she asked.

"I do," he replied. "I want you to be content."

"Well, in order to do that, you have to stop feeling guilty. You have to _look_ at me. Stop acting like I'm on my deathbed. You need to work with me on this, Sarek. The other day, I asked you how we got into this mess. I asked if we could ever get past this. You said you didn't know. Well, I'm going to tell you the answer. I've been thinking about those questions a lot the past two days, and I came to a conclusion this morning," she said.

His eyebrows rose, but she pressed her fingers firmly against his, continuing to transmit her determination and love.

"The answer to the first one is- because we love each other. I've been in your head, I know you love me, and I know how _much_. _That's_ why we're together. We've had plenty of trials, and there will be plenty more. This is just another one, maybe the biggest of them all," she continued, not letting him drop his eyes from hers. "And the answer to the second one is- _yes_. We _can_ get past this. There's no reason not to. We already know that neither of us is at fault, and that's the biggest hurdle. I'm not blaming myself any more, and you need to stop, too, or else we can't make any progress. After acceptance, comes healing. And I want to heal- I want _us_ to heal."

He was pressing harder against her fingers now, as well.

"You are remarkable," he said in a low voice. She gave him a small smile.

"What makes you think that?" she asked.

"You endured much on my behalf, and yet you still have the strength to overcome it. You discuss these things as if you are unaffected by what happened, and I find I cannot do that. I do not find it easy to discuss," he said, dark eyes soft as they looked at her.

"I'm not unaffected, but I do know that if we don't talk about it, there's no chance of moving on," Amanda said, smiling sadly. "You know, when my father died, I was only thirteen. Dad and I were close, and it was hard for me. I spent months withholding my emotions and refusing to talk about it. And you know what? It didn't help me get over his death. I didn't feel any better until I finally confided to my mom. And this situation isn't all that different- something bad happened, and we're both trying to get over it. Talking helps, at least for me. You were taught to never talk about emotions or to even acknowledge them, so you _can't_ do it as easily."

Sarek withdrew from the _ozh'esta_, instead lacing all of his fingers through hers, holding her hand.

"As a human, I am sure you are an expert in these matters," he said. "I will do whatever I can to assist you in this situation."

She squeezed his hand.

"I know you will," she whispered. His eyes met hers, and she thought she saw a shadow of a smirk on his mouth. She leaned forward to kiss him tenderly, his lips hot and soft against hers- but unyielding. She pulled away. "Sarek?" she questioned, searching his eyes.

"I was unprepared," he said quietly. "If you believe that you are ready for such contact with me, then you may attempt it again."

She smiled, and then leaned in toward him again- lips caressing his gently, lovingly, and this time he responded. Amanda felt warm with affection- why would she not be ready for this? She found that she missed his kisses, and he was now pressing small, light ones against her lips, and then her chin, cheeks, and eyelids. She gave a quiet laugh once he had pulled away.

"That was pleasant," she said, tightening her grip on his hand. She felt better now- like kissing him was the catalyst to the rest of their recovery. He then did something he had not done in quite some time, and rested his forehead against hers.

"_Taluhk nash-veh k'dular_," he whispered. Her smile widened. She hadn't heard those words in a long time, and they made her truly happy for the first time in days.

"I know. That's how I know we'll get through this," she said, stroking his jaw, and kissed him once more. She closed her eyes, knowing that things were getting better. They were healing.

* * *

It took her another day to finally convince Sarek that she was able to leave the bedchamber. He would still prefer that she rest- but she insisted, and he could not reasonably expect her to stay in bed when she was fully capable of moving around.

He felt...better. Amanda was right- and T'Shan was right. He was allowing guilt to consume him. There was nothing he could do about what happened. Amanda was not holding it against him- in fact, she appeared to have accepted it, and was moving on. Human resiliency was so much stronger than he had ever supposed- perhaps even stronger than that of Vulcans. His people were taught to use logic to get past an undesirable situation, and were not taught to handle emotions in the same way as humans, who accepted them and actually _used_ them to overcome the situation.

That was not to suggest that he was 'over it'. When he saw the barely-visible bruises on her skin, he still cringed inwardly. He'd felt what she had experienced during their meld- and he could not understand how she managed to find it so easy to get over. He had been so _rough_ with her- so violent. He was relieved that he only remembered brief flashes of it, because if he remembered everything, he would never be able to forgive himself, despite what she said.

As for sex...he was undecided on the issue. He knew she would want it again, but at the same time- he would be unable to banish from his mind those few images he had of her in the caves, and feared it would trigger memories for her, as well. It was a delicate subject, and at the moment, he was unwilling to even contemplate it.

He was still cautious with her. He allowed her to guide his actions. He did not kiss her, touch her, or even get too close to her unless she bid him to. Perhaps it was not needed to be so cautious, but he refused to invade her comfort level. For the first few days after the meld, it seemed this was necessary, as she did not appear to want him too near; but after the day on which she made the list, she desired his nearness more.

He knew this because she was reverting back to her old ways. When she passed him, she had a habit of touching him in some way- a squeeze of an arm, a hand on his back or chest, the gentle brushing of her fingers against his hand. It was not unpleasant before, and now that she was doing these things after what he'd done to her, he found it downright pleasing, and a huge relief. She asked him to sit by her often, and occasionally pulled him to her for a kiss. She draped her legs over his lap, and sometimes laid her head against his chest or shoulder. He knew these were excellent signs of recovery, and he found- interestingly enough- that after the meld, it was easier for him to reciprocate such gestures.

Amanda had seen him at his weakest. He had actually _shed tears_...he was not proud of it, but it was testament to how much he trusted her that he would break down so entirely in her arms. No one else had ever, or _would_ ever, see him in such a state. Only her, his _adun'a_. He had never been closer to another being. They had endured much together- to _be_ together.

Sarek never had such closeness with T'Nik, even though they had been bonded for years. They, however, had never been in _love_. He and T'Nik accepted one another, and she helped him during his Time, and that was it. They lived in the same home, but didn't even see each other often, as they both were absorbed in their own pastimes. She'd been a challenging chess player, and always knew the latest scientific news, which gave them subjects of mutual interest to discuss- but their relationship had been empty, devoid of anything to make it truly desirable. It had been easy to let her go- and perhaps a part of him had always desired something more than emptiness. While the arrangement fit the lives of most Vulcans, he realized now- it was not what he desired. As he reflected on it, he now saw that he'd been _looking_ for reasons to end their marriage. The excuse of Pon Farr and her assignment to a distant solar system had simply been convenient.

He had been searching for something he hadn't realized he needed, until he found it. No. While most Vulcan bondings were made from logical matches and carefully planned arrangements- Sarek had wanted, _needed_ love. His real reasons for ending that marriage may not have been logical, but he could not regret it- not when it allowed him to have Amanda, whom he was beginning to appreciate more by the day.

Sarek considered all these things one evening as he watched her in the living room. She was curled up on a divan, reading an e-book on Vulcan history. Her hair was pulled back to keep it out of her face- to his disappointment, as he preferred it down around her shoulders- and she was chewing on her stylus, a habit of hers he found rather endearing. She wore a pair of what she called 'shorts', which showed off her long smooth legs, and a short-sleeved shirt. The bruises were gone by this time, to his relief, although he did see a remaining bite mark on her thigh.

A few pieces of her chestnut hair had managed to escape the band, and they framed her face, falling forward as she bent over to make a note on her PADD. As he watched, she raised a hand to push them behind her ears. Her eyes were downturned, but the expression on her face was unmistakably 'concentration'. Eyebrows slightly drawn together, eyes focused and alert, the corners of her mouth twitched downward the tiniest amount...

This was the woman who had nearly died for his survival, and yet still loved him as much as ever. This was his wife, and that knowledge had never made him happier.

She glanced up, and then froze.

"What?" she asked. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"I was not aware that I am looking at you in a particular way," he said, and he felt the corners of his lips lift a minute amount.

"I can't describe it. You're just...studying me. It's a little unnerving, to tell the truth," she said, but she was smiling. She was beginning to smile more often. He liked that. Even if Vulcans were not supposed to 'like' anything.

"How is it unnerving?" he asked.

"It's just..._strange_ to look up and see you staring at me so quietly. I don't know what's going through your mind."

"I could open the bond, and allow you to hear my thoughts. But I am not sure that you are ready to attempt that again," he replied, leaning forward without breaking their eye contact.

"Give it a try," she said.

"You are sure?" he asked. Her smile widened.

"Yes, I am sure," she said. He then acquiesced, and opened the link- he felt her mind, a soothing balm to him. Her presence was warm, comforting. He could feel a current of emotion from her- affection, amusement, curiosity, as well as apprehension, although that soon melted away when she found that he was no longer as emotionally turbulent as he had been days before, when he had melded with her.

He shared what he'd been thinking of before she caught him looking at her, and he felt her amusement- as well as a surge of love.

"Yes, I'm getting over it, and if you hadn't noticed- so are you," she pointed out. "You're not as withdrawn as you were, and after those first three days, you've been absolutely spoiling me."

"Spoiling you?" he asked, eyebrows rising.

"Yes, _spoiling_ me. You wouldn't let me leave my room for days. You insisted on bringing me my meals, and staying with me at all times. You only left when I was asleep. Even now, you follow me around when you're not in meditation," she said, folding her arms over her chest with a smirk. "And you're always asking if I need anything. So yes, you're _spoiling_ me."

"I am only fulfilling my duties as your bond mate. It is my duty to care for you, as well as my desire," he replied- adding the last bit without really thinking about it, and immediately regretting such an admission. She smiled, and stood to come sit on his lap. He placed his hands on her waist to steady her.

"Was that an image of T'Shan I just got from you? What does she have to do with this?" Amanda asked. So he told her...and when he was done, she laughed.

"What is so humorous?" he asked, perplexed. She was still shaking with laughter, and she buried her face against his shoulder.

"The fact that she checkmated you in more than one way. She's sly, that T'Shan. She tried to get me to call for you, you know. She's working behind the scenes, as we Terrans call it."

"T'Shan always did have a certain...way...of getting others to bend to her will, despite her position as servant," Sarek admitted. "The fact that she raised me gives her what you term an 'edge'."

"Ohh, so _that_ explains it," Amanda said, reaching up to run her fingers through his hair.

"Explains what?" he asked suspiciously.

"Why you tend to rely on her so much. Whenever you need something done, you call for her- not anyone else."

"I do not _rely_-" he began, stiffening at this accusation.

"Of course you don't," she said, smiling, but he sensed that she was not being serious about this relenting. He was not sure, so he did not pursue it.

"And she's the only person other than me- and maybe T'Pau, out of necessity- who you listen to," Amanda continued. "Like a son following his mother's advice."

"T'Shan is not my mother, and to compare her as such is illogical," Sarek replied firmly.

"But your relationship with her is like that. She raised you, so you see her as a mother figure, someone who's wiser than you and whose advice you should take," Amanda pressed.

Sarek could not argue this.

"I thought you had planned to spend this evening in studies?" he asked, changing the subject. She burst into laughter before getting off his lap and taking her seat across from him again.

"I rest my case," she said. He allowed her to feel his affection and amusement, before closing the link. "Wait," she said, and looked at her, confused. "Don't close it...I wouldn't mind if you leave it open."

"For what duration of time?" he asked, surprised but pleased.

"Until I tell you to close it," she said with a small smile. "And it might be awhile. Days, or weeks, even. Unless you want to close it for your own reasons at some point in time. But I need to get used to it, and I need to learn how to use it."

"You are certain that you are ready?" he asked. He did not want to leave it open if it would disturb her in any way.

"Sarek, stop _asking_ me that. Yes, I'm certain," she said, rolling her eyes but smiling again. Content, he sat back in his chair and continued to watch her. The prospect of sharing himself with her at all times was...exhilarating.

She went back to reading, and he went back to watching her silently. This time, she did not seem to find it unnerving. She was at peace, too. Everything was improving.

* * *

Soon, his time of leave from the embassy was over. He had left his work in the charge of his aides- and while they were competent, he was still too wary to extend leave again. He would prefer to spend more time with Amanda- even though she was coping very well by then- so they could continue their efforts to repair their relationship. It had been nearly three weeks since his Pon Farr ended, and they were slowly easing back into their routine. He did not want his return to spending most of his time at the embassy to set them back.

Yet, he did return to the embassy, and she returned to her usual daily pursuits in her lessons, coursework, and research. The continuing presence of their bond helped greatly, he soon discovered. When she was feeling particularly down, even while he was at his desk in the embassy he was able to send her comfort. When _he_ was frustrated, she soothed him. It made the days they spent apart more bearable- unlike before, when they only had the pathetic excuse of a link between them, which hardly helped.

Several days after his return to the embassy, he received an invitation to a 'gathering' that was to be hosted at the Terran ambassador's home. It was not solely a diplomatic event- the ambassador had invited a wide range of guests, including high-ranking members of the _thol'es_ and numerous scientists whom he was acquainted with.

When the ambassador mentioned two names in particular, Sarek's eyebrows rose.

Amanda would attend the event with him- unless she refused, although he doubted she would, considering how restless she was becoming by being home all the time. If she did attend, it would prove to be...interesting.

When he returned home late that evening, she'd already had her dinner, and was seated in the living room. He sat across from her, watching as she entered a few more notes before looking up.

"What is it?" she asked.

"Did you not hear my thoughts earlier about an invitation I received?" he asked.

"No...I must have been busy," she said, setting aside her PADD. "What invitation is this?"

So he told her, and she was excited immediately.

"I can finally leave the mansion?" she asked hopefully.

"You were never prohibited from it," he said, confused. "This is not a prison, Amanda- it is your home. You may come and go as you please."

"There's still the fact that I'm unfamiliar with Shi'Kahr," she pointed out."I don't know my way around, so I'm more comfortable with staying at home."

"I will remedy that the next chance I have. I will show you the city," he said. "But in the meantime, I must warn you about...certain guests that will attend this event, so you are not caught off-guard."

"Who can be that bad?" she asked with a disbelieving smile. "T'Pau?"

"She will be in attendance, yes," he replied. "But it is not she I am speaking of."

"Well, who's worse than that?" she asked, folding her arms and raising an eyebrow. He suppressed his amusement, and continued.

"There are two others. One...is T'Para, the woman I was supposed to marry instead of you," he said. Her interested piqued at this.

"That's not too bad," she said. "Go on."

"The other is T'Nik," he finished. She froze, staring at him.

"I thought she was on some distant space station?" she asked slowly.

"She was. She is on temporary leave here. I did not know until the ambassador told me today. Apparently, he was impressed by her work in the field of astrophysics, and invited her to the gathering."

"Well..." she said, her eyes meeting his. "This is going to be awkward. The woman you were once married to, the woman you were intended to marry, and your wife will all be in the same room."

"It did not escape my notice. I would not have dared to calculate the odds," Sarek said.

She began to grin slowly.

"Well, I'm not one to shrink from a challenge. I can go to an event with T'Pau, T'Para, and T'Nik in attendance. This will be interesting," she said, leaning back in her chair.

"Indeed," he agreed, raising his eyebrows once more.

**A/N: Hmm...this WILL be interesting. **


	40. Encounters

**A/N: Sorry for the long wait. Here's a really long chapter for you ;)**

**Chapter 40: Encounters**

The event was scheduled in two weeks, and as it loomed nearer with every passing day, Amanda found herself growing increasingly nervous. Her previous confidence was dwindling as she realized how important this occasion would be. Many important people would be there- many important _Vulcans_, and not just the women of Sarek's past. She could not afford to make mistakes. She'd been having etiquette lessons with T'Shan for well over two months by now, and she was reasonably sure she had committed the rules and customs to memory.

Now, on the night of the event, those lessons did not help calm her nerves as she fussed over the pale blue gown she'd donned for the occasion.

"Calm yourself, Amanda," Sarek said as he entered her bedchamber. "Your anxiety is distracting."

"Don't tell _me_ to calm down," she huffed. "This is my first attendance at a primarily Vulcan event."

She felt his amusement as he stepped up behind her to survey her reflection in the mirror.

"I see no reason for you to be anxious," he said.

"I'm going to have to struggle to remain as non-Terran as possible all night, around some of the most intimidating Vulcans on the planet," she said, now smoothing nonexistent wrinkles out of her gown.

"Many important figures will be there, but I see no reason to believe you will be unable to conduct yourself as expected," he said.

Amanda finally managed to calm herself. There _was_ no reason to be anxious. She had learned as much as she could about Vulcan proprieties, and that was the most she could do. Getting nervous would only make things worse.

She shot a glare at Sarek, knowing he had sent those streams of thoughts to her. He raised his eyebrows in response.

"You look pleasant," he offered by way of consolation. She rolled her eyes as she turned back to the mirror to smooth down her hair, which she'd pulled back in a decidedly non-Vulcan bun. T'Shan had offered to assist her in putting it up in a traditional Vulcan style, but she'd flat-out refused. She'd seen those styles- and she thought they were ridiculous, although she'd never say as much aloud. She preferred simplicity.

"Pleasant," she repeated. "Thank you."

He stood there a moment, and she felt his hesitancy- he was always hesitant when he wanted to touch her in some way, but was unsure if it would be welcomed. She didn't understand why he was so wary of touching her- Pon Farr had been over with for well over a month now. She was comfortable around him again. There was no need for all this caution.

At hearing these thoughts, he finally gave in to his illogical desire, and wrapped his arms around her from behind, pressing his face against her neck and inhaling her natural scent.

"I do not understand your apprehension," he admitted. "You will not be the only human in attendance."

She turned in his arms to face him, and he rested his hands on her waist.

"That doesn't help," she said. "But thanks for trying," she added, standing on tiptoes to kiss him quickly.

"And there is a chance you will not meet T'Para or T'Nik," he added.

"You know," she said, placing her arms around his neck and cocking her head to the side. "I'm not nervous about _that_ part. It's the rest of it- meeting dignitaries I don't know. In fact, I'm _curious_ about meeting T'Para and T'Nik."

"Why are you curious to meet them?" he asked. She pulled away a little, to smooth down his richly embroidered tunic and straighten his collar- even though his appearance was already immaculately neat.

"You and T'Nik were married for years. I just want to know what she's like- what standards I have to live up to." Her tone was teasing as she said this.

"You do not have standards to 'live up to', and I do not expect you to feel that you do," he said. "I still fail to see what interest she may hold for you."

"The same sort of interest you may hold for any past boyfriends I've had," she said with a shrug. "I want to know who was before me."

"I assure you, I have no desire to learn about your former male companions," Sarek said flatly.

"Ooh, a jealous Vulcan," she said, smirking.

"I am not 'jealous'. I simply do not wish to know," Sarek stated.

"Sure," she said sarcastically, and drew him against her. To her surprise, he did not attempt to pull away. Instead, he bent his head to kiss her- gently at first, but she deepened it, making a small noise in the back of her throat. She pressed herself against his warm body- and for the first time in weeks, she felt the beginnings of arousal stirring within her...

"We should be leaving," Sarek said as he pulled away, and she felt..._apprehension_ from him, although she wasn't sure why he would be apprehensive. She was still a little dazed, and she stared at him for a moment before his words sank in.

"You're right," she said, clearing her throat and again smoothing her gown. "We'll be late."

As he led her to the hover-car in silence, she thought about that kiss. That was the most passion either of them had dared exhibit in weeks. She missed it...and she was beginning to miss other things, too.

She'd known she would want sex again sometime. The problem was- Sarek refused to talk about it. Even now, as she stepped into the hover-car and he slid in beside her, he ignored the fact that she was thinking about it. He stared straight ahead, hands folded in his lap. She sighed, and leaned back in the seat.

_"You can't avoid it forever,"_ she thought at him. He did not reply. She decided she would work on that later- tonight would be a good night. She was in the mood.

That finally got him to look at her, and she saw a small frown on his lips. She leaned forward to kiss it away.

"Not here," he said, pulling away, glancing toward the front of the hover-car, where the driver sat. She rolled her eyes.

"Sarek, he's not paying us the least bit of attention," she pointed out.

He sat back, eyes again averted to the front. She smirked to herself as she did the same. They rode in silence the rest of the way.

Ten minutes later, they were driving through the gates of the mansion where the Terran ambassador lived. Darkness was falling as the hover-car pulled around to the front of the stone building, where soft yellow lighting poured out of full-length windows onto the ground below. There was already a line of hover-cars waiting to unload their occupants.

They left the hover-car and climbed the stone steps leading to the door, which stood open. Amanda heard music coming from within- a _ka'athyra_, as well as flutes, drums, and chimes. The melody was light and pleasant as it floated through the still, night air.

Sarek extended his hand, and she met it in the _ozh'esta_ as they entered the mansion and headed toward the only open doorway- which led into the vast dining chamber. When they stepped through, they were met with the sight of a hundred Vulcans standing and talking while a small group of musicians played on a raised platform in the corner. A long table was set and covered with refreshments, and Amanda discovered the source of the glowing yellow light; hundreds of tall, thin candles burned on every surface and from chandeliers in the ceiling. She had never seen such an archaic display of lighting before, and she found the soft illumination preferable to the harsh synthetic lighting.

"Ambassador Sarek!" Came an unfamiliar, but obviously human voice. They turned toward the man now coming toward them, breaking the _ozh'esta_. They found themselves facing a tall, handsome, middle-aged man with dark hair and a brilliant smile.

"Ambassador Woods," Sarek said, nodding once in acknowledgment. Woods' eyes fell on Amanda with curiosity. "May I introduce my wife, Amanda," Sarek added. She knew he was looking at her as he said this, and they experienced a mutual burst of affection and pride. It made her smile, despite her best efforts not to. It felt indescribably good to be introduced as his wife, and the fact that this was only the first of a lifetime of such introductions, only made her happier.

"It is a pleasure to meet you, Ambassador." She had half a mind to tell him that she'd heard a lot about him at home- but none of it had been good. For all his knowledge of Vulcans, he still irritated Sarek to no end, which caused quite a few distracting moments for her while he was at the embassy. She often had to take the time to soothe him, just so _she_ could concentrate- because the only other option was closing the link, which she didn't want to do.

When she smiled, he stared at her. Not flatteringly, but as if in shock. Her first thought was that she had food caught between her teeth. Then she realized...she wasn't exactly what he'd expected Sarek's wife to be.

"No, I'm not Vulcan, Ambassador," she said, trying not to laugh. "I'm just as human as you are."

"I see," he said, eyebrows risen as he looked at her rounded ears and non-slanted eyebrows. He turned back to Sarek. "Ambassador, you didn't tell me you had a human wife!"

"As you are well aware, Vulcans do not discuss their private lives unless it is necessary," Sarek replied, and she felt a hint of annoyance already. This particular human really seemed to irk him- or perhaps it was because he was back to staring openly at Amanda, his eyes scanning every inch of her. Sarek's annoyance peaked into irritation as Woods' eyes swept over her body. She knew he was possessive- but really, this was a bit much.

_"Calm down,"_ she told him, fighting back another smile. This reminded her of the long-ago incident with Ambassador Landon. At the time, she'd sensed his jealousy, but hadn't realized it was the link- she only knew he didn't like it when Landon flirted with her. He really _did_ become possessive too easily.

_"He is looking at you as humans do when assessing a possible mate,"_ he replied, disgruntled.

She tried not to roll her eyes. She was sure Sarek had told her before that the ambassador was married, but he didn't seem to take that into consideration at the moment- nor the fact that she was already _his_.

"Well, this was a pleasant surprise, Mrs..." Woods trailed off.

"I can't even pronounce it yet," she admitted. "I don't know if I ever will."

"With time and practice, it is inevitable that you learn," Sarek responded. He was now looking out over the crowd, dark eyes occasionally flitting back to Woods, who still eyed Amanda. She was hard-put not to laugh when he told her over the bond that Woods was fortunate he had not met Amanda while Sarek was in the beginnings of his Time- even though he was serious when he thought it.

"Well-" Amanda said- striving to ignore her husband, and deciding that he may lose his mind if she allowed Woods to call her by her first name. "-you can call me Mrs. Grayson."

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Grayson. I would introduce you to my wife, but she's on Earth for a conference. There aren't many of us humans on this planet." He gave a short laugh.

"Considering that this is Vulcan, I suppose we _would_ be outnumbered," Amanda replied with a rather tight smile. "It's only _logical_ that it be inhabited by Vulcans."

"Ah, I see you've been here too long already," Woods said with an exaggerated sigh. "Well, I'd better go greet the rest of the guests, and leave you to it."

When he left, she felt a wave of relief from Sarek.

_"You are beyond hopeless,"_ she thought at him.

_"I am sure I do not know what you mean,"_ he replied.

"_How can you get jealous over someone I just met?"_ she asked.

"_I am Vulcan. I do not get 'jealous',"_ he replied, annoyed. _"As I told you earlier."_

She didn't even bother to suppress the eye-rolling.

They wandered through the crowd for awhile. Sarek introduced her to many different people- including the Chairman of the High Council- and then got drinks from the refreshment table. She sipped hers and looked around- wondering which woman was either T'Nik or T'Para.

_"Your curiosity about them is almost an obsession,"_ Sarek said. _"You have thought of little else since we arrived."_

_"It's not an obsession," _she replied defensively, and felt his disbelief.

She was relieved she hadn't messed up so far. Aside from the Chairman, she'd met several former scientist colleagues of Sarek's, as well as a few highly-respected elders. Not once had she slipped by appearing too emotional, or saying anything untoward. She could only hope she continued to present that image to everyone- for both her and Sarek's sakes.

"Amanda," Sarek said, and she looked up from her glass of _kaasa_ juice. He was looking at a Vulcan woman who stood nearby, speaking to Woods, who left even as they watched. She wondered which woman it was as Sarek brought her forward.

"T'Nik," Sarek said as they approached. Amanda felt like the breath had been knocked out of her- but she was intensely curious as the woman turned toward them.

She was tall, and attractive- not beautiful, but her features were angular and pleasing. Her hair was dark brown and swept up into a coif, and she had an elegant, poised presence that made Amanda feel rather ungainly. Her eyes were dark, surrounded by long eyelashes, and they immediately fell on Amanda.

"Sarek," she acknowledged. "It has been quite some time."

"It has," Sarek replied. "T'Nik, this is my wife, Amanda."

T'Nik eyed her from head to toe, eyes lingering on her eyebrows and ears.

"A human," she finally said. "An odd replacement, Sarek."

Sarek stiffened, moving to clasp his hands behind his back- a sign of the discomfort Amanda now felt from him.

"I do not consider Amanda to be a 'replacement'," Sarek said coldly. "And I prefer the term 'unconventional'. I have heard that you bonded recently, as well."

The fact that they were discussing private matters showed how well-acquainted they were- and despite her best efforts to remain nonchalant, Amanda wasn't sure she liked this familiarity.

"I have. When my clan learned that I was ordered on mandatory shore leave, they found a match for me. We bonded three days ago," T'Nik replied. Her gaze wandered back to Amanda. "Where did you meet the human?"

"I met _Amanda_," Sarek put emphasis on her name as he raised an eyebrow. "While on Earth. She was employed at the embassy."

"I have recently heard the news of this ambassadorship. I have been out of reach of most news services, and was surprised to hear of your position. I had not realized you held ambitions for politics," T'Nik said. She then turned to Amanda. "What is your current employment? Are you an ambassador as well?"

"No...I will earn my degree here in a few weeks, and then I will become a teacher," Amanda replied.

"She is even younger than I thought, Sarek," T'Nik said, turning back to him, her face stony. "She is barely an adult, even by human standards. I estimate her to be no older than twenty."

"I'm twenty-three, thank you very much," Amanda retorted before Sarek could say anything. "I may be young, but that doesn't mean a thing, and I do not appreciate being judged by my age alone."

They both stared at her. From Sarek, felt a mixture of amusement and censure.

"Amanda," he said warningly. She pressed her lips together, before taking a sip of her drink.

"I got carried away," she said primly.

"She is...odd," T'Nik muttered quietly.

"And not deaf," Amanda pointed out. "My hearing may not be as acute as yours, but it isn't _that_ bad, either."

She didn't know what was wrong with her- her previous training seemed to have exited the building. Perhaps it was the judgmental attitude T'Nik seemed to have toward her. Who was _she_ to judge _her_? She'd had quite possibly the best Vulcan in existence in her grasp, and she'd let him slip right through her fingers. Not that Amanda would ever complain about that.

_"Amanda,"_ he now said in her mind. _"You are being inappropriate."_

"Sorry," she murmured. "Are there any alcoholic drinks here?"

They both stared at her again.

"I was not aware that you consume alcohol," Sarek said in a low voice.

"I don't, usually. What- Vulcans don't?"

She knew immediately that she'd said something wrong. Their stares were unnerving, and she suddenly felt both foolish and embarrassed. She cleared her throat, and looked down, unable to bear the twin sets of dark eyes boring into her.

"We do not," T'Nik finally replied. "And there is none here. The Terran ambassador thought it best not to have it present, as most of his guests are Vulcan."

Damn. A glass of wine would probably help loosen her up a little, without getting her drunk...

_"I would prefer that you do not, anyhow,"_ Sarek thought at her. _"The smell is somewhat __repulsive."_

Well, then. It was _good_ that they didn't have any- because she still had every intention of seducing him when they got home, and she wouldn't want that to be a logical reason for him not to have sex. And knowing him, he would be looking for a reason.

He did not respond to that. Instead, he turned back to T'Nik, and they began to discuss something about astrophysics that went totally over her head. She made a mental note to learn more about that particular field of science so she wouldn't be left so completely out of the conversation should he ever discuss it with anyone in the future.

She stood there for several silent minutes, watching her husband and his ex-wife. She'd thought it would be interesting to meet her. Now, she wasn't so sure. While she knew they'd never loved each other, the fact was- T'Nik had been bonded to him for decades. She knew him better than Amanda did, and that thought was somewhat discouraging. And she was so composed and dignified- Amanda was nothing like her...

_"That is why I prefer you,"_ Sarek thought, eyes still trained on T'Nik as she spoke. Amanda was unable to stop a smile from forming, and T'Nik saw it. She stopped to stare at her for a moment.

"Is there a problem?" Amanda asked.

"Have I said something you find to be humorous?" T'Nik asked coolly.

"No, I was smiling at something else," she replied slowly. She glanced at Sarek, and their eyes met briefly. T'Nik did not miss it, and she eyed the two of them for a few seconds.

"It was something Sarek said, then?" she asked.

"Not out loud," Amanda said. "And it doesn't concern you."

T'Nik's eyebrows rose a fraction of an inch, and she turned back to Sarek.

"She is impertinent."

"I am aware of this fact," Sarek replied. Amanda expected him to reprimand her- but, to her surprise, he was only amused. "She is incorrigible."

Amanda tried not to smile again, but she did.

Then, to her horror- someone approached Sarek and asked him to join a group discussion that was occurring across the hall- leaving her alone with her predecessor.

_"I will not be gone long. At least make an _attempt_ at civility,"_ Sarek thought as he walked away. She felt like he'd just abandoned her to the wolves.

_"An absurd analogy,"_ he added before becoming absorbed in his conversation.

Amanda stared at T'Nik, who stared at her. They were silent. She did not know what to say.

"You are to become a teacher, then," T'Nik said. Amanda nodded. This was awkward.

"I am. And you're an astrophysicist, like Sarek?"

"Yes," T'Nik replied. Another silence ensued before she spoke again."What length of time have you been bonded?"

"About six weeks now," Amanda replied, looking down at the bright blue juice in her glass. "We had the bonding and wedding ceremonies together."

T'Nik's eyebrows shot up at that- and Amanda realized she'd just let slip a very personal detail. There would have been no need for such a ceremony unless Sarek was in his Time- and T'Nik undoubtedly knew Sarek's cycle. She also now knew that it had been premature.

The thought of the Vulcan before her sleeping with Sarek was...nauseating. Not that she was repulsive in any way, but it was hard to imagine him with anyone but _her_. At least _she_ was the only woman to ever have him outside of necessity. That was a comfort.

"Interesting," T'Nik said slowly, and she looked across the room at Sarek. "I do not find it entirely surprising that he married a human, however."

"Why is that?" Amanda asked uneasily.

"My mind was connected to his for many years," T'Nik said, looking back at Amanda. "He was never...content."

"What do you mean?" she prompted- surprised that the woman was speaking of personal matters to _her_, of all people. Perhaps she thought that because Amanda was Sarek's wife, she could speak about such things, as they pertained to him- the only subject they had in common.

"Precisely what I said. Sarek was not content with our marriage," T'Nik repeated. "I do not know why. To delve too deeply into his mind without his permission would have been rude."

Amanda looked across the hall at Sarek, too. He was speaking to Woods now, and all she felt from him was a pleasant hum- he was not feeling anything in particular at the moment. It appeared that as long as she was not present, he could stand the Terran ambassador- for awhile, at least.

"Do you think I'm in over my head, like everyone else does?" Amanda asked, turning back to the Vulcan woman.

"In...over your head?" she repeated, perplexed.

"Do you think I shouldn't have married him?" Amanda elaborated. "Most Vulcans think so."

"My opinion does not matter, and it is illogical to ask for it, when you are already wedded." T'Nik said blankly.

"True, but I would still prefer to know your opinion. You know Sarek better than anyone."

Amanda was loathe to admit it, but it was true. T'Nik gazed at her for a moment before responding.

"As I said, he was not content with our marriage. I believe he is, with yours. The fact that you are human does not matter. I am sure he had logical reasons for choosing you...therefore, I am sure that you did not 'get in over your head'."

Amanda found that she was relieved by this. Finally, a Vulcan who did not look upon their marriage as utterly foolish. It was somewhat ironic that that Vulcan was Sarek's former wife- if she were human, she would be anything but accepting.

"Thank you, T'Nik," Amanda said quietly.

"There is no need to express gratitude. It is a logical conclusion," T'Nik said evenly.

The two women looked at each other, silence stretching on between them

"This circumstance is...unusual," Amanda finally said, clutching her glass tighter. "I doubt this happens often."

"It was highly unlikely that we would both be here on this night," T'Nik conceded. There was another silence, before she spoke again. "Lady Amanda, while I have been on assignment on the space station, I have become more familiar with human ways, as I work alongside several humans. I have recently begun to study Terran films to better understand the human mind, as I am also currently working toward a degree in xenopsychology..."

Amanda was relieved as T'Nik began to discuss old Terran vids- ones that Amanda had seen, herself. It was a conversation she could easily keep up with, and it was interesting to hear the Vulcan's interpretations of certain films.

It didn't take her long to realize that T'Nik was probably just as interested in learning about Amanda as _she_ was to learn about _her_ . Of course, Vulcans never indulged in small talk for the sake of it, so she was using this as an opportunity for Amanda to explain the finer details of human psychology- but that did not make her appreciate it any less. The tension quickly dissipated, and she found herself liking the woman more and more. She hardly noticed when Sarek stepped up to stand beside her, silently observing the conversation with satisfaction and amusement. When there was a brief pause, he finally took his chance to speak.

"Amanda, we must pay our respects to T'Pau before we leave," he said. "To not do so would be disrespectful."

She'd caught brief glimpses of the matriarch throughout the evening, but had dreaded speaking to her- part of her had hoped they could escape unscathed, but that hope now faded.

"Of course," she said reluctantly, and turned back to T'Nik. She'd never thought there would be a day on which she would prefer to talk to Sarek's ex-wife rather than anyone else- even if that person was T'Pau. "It was a pleasure to meet you."

"Perhaps I could keep in contact with you, Lady Amanda," T'Nik said. "It would be beneficial to my studies to have a wide range of differing human personalities to observe."

"I wouldn't mind," Amanda agreed- surprised that, indeed, she _wouldn't_ mind. It would be interesting to know T'Nik better, despite their awkward relationship in regards to Sarek. "I'm sure you know our frequency," she added before Sarek led her away.

"I see you managed to act civilly," he commented. His voice was as even as ever, his face blank- but she knew he was amused by the fact that his new wife and former wife had gotten along- even become somewhat cordial with one another.

"It wasn't bad at all. She's studying human behavior and working toward a xenopsychology degree, and I was helping her to understand us poor, emotional beings a little better," Amanda replied teasingly. "Are you going to be _jealous_ because I talked to her?"

"On the contrary, I am pleased. I have seen some rather...undignified scenes concerning the former wives or romantic companions of human males."

"Well, that's not how a Vulcan's wife should behave," Amanda said in mock-seriousness as they approached T'Pau. Sarek paused briefly, and she felt a flicker of annoyance from him before they continued.

_"What is it?"_ she asked.

_"The woman beside T'Pau,"_ Sarek replied, and then they were before them. The traditional greetings were exchanged, and Amanda eyed the woman standing beside the matriarch. She had dark hair, twisted into the customary Vulcan coif, and green eyes...an unusual attribute for a Vulcan, but they only enhanced her beauty.

"This," T'Pau said, extending a hand toward the woman as she looked at Amanda. "Is T'Para. She was to be Sarek's wife, before he forsook her for you."

There was a tense silence. She felt rising anger from Sarek.

_"How dare she speak so boldly?"_ Sarek thought. Out loud he said, "T'Para," with a nod.

"Sarek," T'Para said, returning the nod, and Amanda saw that her cheeks were faintly green from T'Pau's introduction as she turned to Amanda. "Lady T'Pau, you did not give me her name."

"Her name is Amanda," Sarek offered, glancing at T'Pau coldly.

"I am unfamiliar with human ways, but I believe the appropriate greeting is 'it is a pleasure to meet you'. I do not understand why humans would take pleasure in meeting new people, when they do not yet know what to expect from them," T'Para said evenly.

Amanda managed to repress her smile- which was difficult.

"It's just another of our illogical phrases," she said. She glanced over at T'Pau, who watched them through narrowed eyes.

"Interesting," T'Para said. She looked from Amanda, to Sarek, to T'Pau, and then dropped her gaze. Amanda realized that she was much younger than Sarek and T'Nik- not as young as she, perhaps around thirty, but still the youngest Vulcan Amanda had personally met.

"T'Para was recently bonded to the scientist she was originally to be paired with," T'Pau now said. "But her clan is still rather displeased with me, Sarek. They were under the impression that she would make a more advantageous match."

"Unfortunate, but it cannot be helped," he replied. He was becoming angrier, his fury licking at Amanda's insides like flames. T'Pau turned to Amanda again.

"I saw you conversing with T'Nik. After observing her, and observing the woman beside me, you must now realize how a proper ambassador's wife should look and how she should behave. You would be wise to take note of that," T'Pau said. "Perhaps then you will be more equal to your position."

Amanda's fists clenched. Perhaps _then_ she would be more equal to her position? Would this woman ever be satisfied? Would she never truly accept her?

"I prefer my own way, actually," Amanda replied before she could stop herself. T'Pau froze, and straightened in the chair she was seated in.

"Sarek, I am sure I told you to teach her the appropriate ways to speak to an elder," the matriarch said coolly.

"Amanda, it would be best to speak no further," he said in a low voice. But she was furious.

"I don't understand why you brought T'Para forward. Just to mock me?" Amanda asked coldly. "To show that I will never gain your approval, and why?"

"Cease!" T'Pau said, that single word dripping with ice.

"Or maybe it was just to make us look bad," Amanda continued.

"Speak no further, Amanda." Sarek said- and she was surprised to find that he was angry at _her_ now. She stopped speaking, looking down at the floor. "Forgive her outburst, T'Pau. It is late, and we should be leaving. T'Para, I wish you peace and long life," he said.

Amanda pressed her lips together. She looked up- and froze. Everyone in the vicinity was staring at her. They'd heard every word she said to the elder, and shame flooded her. She'd lost control...again. And this time, in a public place. No wonder Sarek was angry with her...she'd embarrassed him. Her horror increased when she saw the Council Chair and T'Nik among those observing the scene. As Sarek led her away, she hoped this would not impact him...

"It may," Sarek said as they neared the exit. "You should have stopped speaking when I suggested it."

For the first time, he really _was_ mad at her. Amanda hugged her arms around herself as their hover-car approached. She'd felt that anger before- but _always_ directed at someone else. Never her. Part of her must have even begun to think he _couldn't_ become angry with her. But of course he could- he was not perfect, and neither was she.

They did not speak, telepathically or otherwise, until they were home. Even then, they waited until after he'd led her into his bedchamber for complete privacy.

Once he had closed the door, she began to speak first. "I don't like it when you treat me like a child, Sarek. It may be the Vulcan way to ignore insults- but it is _not_ the human way. And I don't believe I should _let_ a person disrespect me," her eyes flashed angrily at her husband, who stood before her.

"If you do not want to be treated like a child, then you should not have behaved as one," he returned evenly, shocking her into silence. She bristled at the retort and tried to move around him, towards the door, but he blocked her path.

"Amanda, we discussed this. You should not have spoken to T'Pau in such a way," he said. His eyebrows were drawn together as he stood facing her, arms folded.

"I know. I'm _sorry_. But she was _trying_ to get a rise out of me!" Amanda said frustratedly, going to the divan and sinking down onto it, resigned to the fact that he would not allow her to leave until they'd thoroughly discussed this.

"What purpose would that have served, Amanda?" he asked, eyes still flashing with anger as he began to take off his tunic and boots. She tried not to stare- this was _not_ an appropriate time to admire his bare chest.

"She wanted to prove to everyone- to prove to _you_- that I'm not adequate!" she snapped, anger returning. "She _wanted_ to embarrass us. She probably thinks you would dissolve the bond if you finally believed that I'm not worthy of you. She's trying to separate us now that your Pon Farr is over, and you would have seven years to find a new mate- a _Vulcan_ mate!"

"If that is true, you should not have allowed her to. If I could ever believe you to be inadequate, she would have succeeded in proving her point tonight," Sarek said coldly- the small amount of emotion in his voice an indication of just how angry he was. "You knew better than to allow her to disturb you, Amanda. You have not been having lessons in etiquette for two months for no reason."

Amanda sank back into the divan. Tears stung her eyes at his words, but she blinked them away. He was right- she'd been a fool. She _knew_ better than this. She _shouldn't_ have let T'Pau get to her like she had. She'd only fallen right into her trap, and proven that she _was_ inadequate.

And not only that, she now realized, but he had been right from the beginning. It had been childish of her to dwell on T'Para and T'Nik- in the end, it had been her own jealousy and insecurities that had caused her to go off on T'Pau. She _should_ have known better...

His anger suddenly vanished, and she looked up. He was watching her, and from him she felt...shame.

"I am guilty, as well. I could have stopped you sooner," he said quietly. "I myself was displeased by her remarks, and it may have been our combined displeasure that caused you to break. I could hardly expect you to control your emotions as well as I can."

She shook her head. "No, you're _not_ guilty. I was an idiot, and I could have controlled myself better than I did."

"You are not, nor have you ever been, an 'idiot'," Sarek said, and he came forward to sit beside her. "Aside from your encounter with T'Pau, and a few untoward remarks to T'Nik, I was impressed by your behavior tonight. You conducted yourself well."

"But I still left a bad impression on T'Para and the Council Chairman," she said with a sigh, laying back on the divan with her hands folded on her stomach, legs resting on his lap. "I actually _wanted_ to leave a good impression on your colleagues, especially after how well things with T'Nik went...after the rough beginning, anyway."

"I will take care of any adverse effects that may come from this," Sarek said gently, and began to absentmindedly stroke her calf, his fingers leaving behind trails of heat.

"God, I'm such a fool," she groaned, covering her face with her hands. "Sarek, I don't blame you for being mad at me."

"I do not become 'mad'," he said, and his hand stopped moving- resting on her knee.

"Well, you sure were feeling _something_ negative toward me," she remarked.

"That was mostly directed at T'Pau, and at myself. However, you did act inappropriately, Amanda. You cannot allow your anger to overcome you, especially with T'Pau. I am no longer displeased with you," he added, squeezing her knee. "But you cannot allow this to occur again."

"I promise I won't," Amanda said, sitting up and moving down until she was in his lap, her arms wound around his neck. She began to pepper his face with light kisses.

"May I ask what you are doing?" he asked as her lips brushed lightly against his.

"When human couples fight, they make up," she replied simply.

"We did not 'fight'," he said, but he placed his arms around her waist.

"Well, whatever you want to call it- humans make up afterward," she said, and then kissed him- moaning against his lips as she deepened it, her tongue sliding against his- hands moving up his chest, nails scraping against his skin lightly.

"Amanda..." Sarek said warningly before pulling away- his hands firm on her arms as he held her still. "We should not."

"Why not?" she asked, irritation suffusing her burgeoning arousal.

"After the caves...I do not want to do anything that will remind you of it," he said.

"Sarek, the whole _point_ of your 'experiment' two months ago was to determine whether or not you could handle sex after your Time. And the results were pretty conclusive- you can handle it. And I wouldn't be trying to get you into bed if I didn't think I was ready," she said, folding her arms under her breasts. "So what's your real excuse?"

"I have already stated it. Please remove yourself from my person," he said. She shook her head- instead placing her arms around him again.

"I could just _make_ you in the mood, you know," she said with a sly smile.

"You cannot," Sarek replied. "It is not as it was before. I am in control of my sexual drive now, and will not be 'in the mood' unless I make myself so."

"Sarek..." Amanda sighed in disappointment, and pulled away to sit beside him. "I told you I would want sex again. You can't expect me to go without just because of your own needless insecurities."

He did not say anything, or look at her.

"Well, I'd better go to bed, then. Tonight was a disaster, maybe I'll wake up and it was all a dream," she said, frustrated as she stood and headed for the door. She was surprised when she felt his hands on her hips- drawing her toward him, until she was sitting on his lap again with her back against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her, kissing her neck.

"You do not have to go," he said quietly, breath hot against her skin.

"Are you saying that you're giving in?" she asked, smirking.

"No, I am saying that I wish to fulfill your needs. It is my duty as your bond mate, and I will have failed if you are disappointed with me. Your desires come before my own."

"Oh, well, if it's your _duty_..." she said, running her hands along the arms that firmly held her against him as he continued to kiss and gently bite the flesh between her neck and shoulder. "But I do have one other request."

"What is that?" he asked, stilling his ministrations to inhale her scent.

"I want to move into this room- with you. Permanently."

He was quiet for a moment. "Are you sure you desire this?" he finally asked.

"Yes, I am. I don't want separate bedrooms," she said snuggling her head against his shoulder. "Human couples sleep in the same bed, every night. I've told you this before." He did not even hesitate in giving his response, which told her that he may have wanted the same thing all along, too.

"Very well, you may share my quarters," he said. "Starting tonight."

His arms tightened around her as he stood- one arm hooking under her knees to lift her up. She did not even attempt to stifle her laughter as he carried her toward the bed, and she nuzzled his neck. Maybe tonight wasn't such a disaster, after all. At least _something_ good would come of it.

As for the consequences- they would deal with those later. As he laid her on the bed and joined her- hands roaming, lips and tongues dancing as they mingled- the night's events were far from their minds. And for the first time in months, Amanda dared to hope that maybe, just maybe, they had turned another corner in their relationship.


	41. The Day After

**Chapter 41: The Day After**

When Amanda awoke the next morning, the bed was already cold. Sarek had left hours before, and had not returned. Before the caves and their long break from intimate contact, it had been part of his routine to wake her after his morning exercise and meditation...what had changed, she wondered?

Maybe he was still disappointed about her behavior the night before, and that was why he hadn't come back to awaken her. But she pushed that thought away- Sarek would have a reason for not returning, she knew. He wouldn't allow disappointment to stop him.

She rolled over, stretching and basking in the sunlight filtering through the window. There were aches in her thigh muscles from them being put to good use for the first time in six weeks, but it was the kind of ache she cherished because of what it meant. She and Sarek were better now- dare she say, even fully recovered. She'd missed falling asleep in his arms. And now...not only could she do so again, but she could fall asleep beside him _every_ night.

She was going to have a busy day. She'd have to move everything into his quarters and make herself at home...looking around, she saw that he'd already made room for her. Several tables were cleared off to make room for her possessions- and the closet, which stood open, was now half-empty- waiting for her own clothes. This made her smile to herself. For someone who had been so reluctant to share his bedchamber when she first presented the idea to him, he was being very accommodating. Apparently, he had a different view on sharing quarters now.

Sitting up, Amanda rubbed the sleep out of her eyes as she moved to sit on the edge of the bed. When she opened them again, she saw that he'd retrieved her robe for her and laid it on the divan. She smiled as she stood and pulled it on, tying it around her waist. He could be so thoughtful- even when it was logical, and he had no idea how sweet it was.

She went to her own- no, her _former_- bedroom, and showered before dressing in black slacks and a dark red blouse. She would have a lot to do today...she would start after breakfast. Looking around her room, she saw that not all of her things would fit into Sarek's quarters. She'd have to put some of it somewhere else- maybe the living room. The pictures of her family would give this place the touch of humanism it needed. Finally, they could start transforming this gigantic house into their _home_.

From Sarek, she only felt that quiet, but pleasant hum, which signified that he was centered and not currently feeling any particular emotion. She headed down to the dining room, where she found him waiting for her. Upon seeing him, Amanda recalled her actions of the night before...she had embarrassed him. And in front of so many people, including the Council Chair...She did not regret the words she had spoken to T'Pau, but she _could_ regret doing so in that manner. He would likely have to deal with the repercussions of her actions _again_...fresh guilt erupted within her. She was a source of embarrassment for him. That thought humbled her.

"Sit," he bade quietly, and she realized that she'd stopped in the doorway. She sat beside him, and began to load her plate with fresh Terran fruit- which he ordered for her every week when produce was shipped from Earth to Vulcan. He picked up his spoon to start on his plomeek soup. She could tell there was something he wanted to say, and waited. Soon enough, it came. "After my exercise and meditation regimen, I received a call from the Council and was unavailable to awaken you."

She nodded in understanding, and then stopped abruptly, looking up at him. His eyes were trained on the soup before him, and she still felt nothing from him.

"Was it about me?" she asked. His eyes met hers.

"Yes, it was," he replied.

"And?" she prompted nervously, hoping he wasn't in trouble because of her.

"They warned me that if you act publicly in such a way toward an elder again, they will officially demand that the bond be dissolved," he replied evenly, eyes once more on his soup. Amanda's mouth suddenly felt very dry, and the piece of pineapple she'd been holding between her fingers fell back to her plate.

"They can _do_ that?" she asked incredulously.

"Yes, they can, or they would not have threatened as much." He pushed the full bowl of plomeek away, folding his hands before him on the table.

"And what if they demand it?" she asked slowly.

"If I did not heed their wishes, I would be stripped of my titles, and likely exiled from Vulcan for disobeying the Council's direct command," he replied in his usual monotone, although she felt the first flicker of emotion from him all morning; annoyance, but it was not directed at her.

"But you would heed them, wouldn't you?" she asked. He did not immediately reply, and she looked away from him, down at her plate. Of course he would heed their orders. He couldn't allow himself to be exiled- to lose everything he had- just for her, especially not when it had been her big mouth that got him into that mess. And she wouldn't expect it of him, either.

"No, I would not," he finally replied. Her head snapped up, and she stared at him.

"_What_?" she asked disbelievingly.

"I would not obey the command," he repeated simply. "I will not dissolve this bond unless it is my own wish to do so- and I will never wish for it. If it means exile...I can exist comfortably enough off-planet."

"Sarek, I don't want that for you," she said, brow furrowed.

"I would choose defiance regardless of your wishes," he said calmly. "The ability to demand the dissolution of a bond is an ancient right of the Council's, but it has long been considered void. In this time, bonds are erased only when the participants wish it. Their demand would be illogical, based on that fact. So I would refuse it, and accept the consequences knowing that it is they who are at fault, not I. I would not allow them to separate us, the same as I would not allow it of T'Pau."

Amanda stared at him, speechless, for several seconds before turning back to her plate.

"Well...that doesn't matter, because I won't allow it to happen again," she declared, no longer hungry as she picked at her fruit. She wasn't sure if the fact that he would willingly lose everything for her made her want to jump him right then and there, or made her want to shake some sense into him. Maybe a little of both.

"I am aware of that," he said, and then reached out to brush his fingers against hers. "But expect T'Pau to arrive today."

Amanda took a deep breath and nodded. Of course T'Pau would come to confront her about what had happened. She had known there would be consequences- but last night, they'd found that fact easy to forget as they got caught up in the heat and joy of their physical reunion.

"This time, I'll behave," she said, smiling weakly at him.

"You should put into practice the meditation techniques I showed you in the past," he said, withdrawing his fingers from hers. "They will assist in calming you."

"I will, if I find it to be necessary," Amanda said.

"Eat, Amanda," Sarek said, gesturing to her plate. "You require nutrition."

"_You're_ not eating," she pointed out teasingly.

"I do not require sustenance as often as you do. I can go several days without eating," he said. He then hesitated, and she sensed that there was something he wanted to say- something that was important.

"What is it, Sarek?" she asked, eyebrows drawing together.

"We will discuss it later," he said. "I received a second transmission today, but it is not of immediate importance. I will wait until this evening, when we are in our bedchamber."

"_Our_ bedchamber," she repeated, and smiled as she turned back to her breakfast. "I like the sound of that. But why can't you just tell me now?"

"I must learn further details while at the embassy today. I do not wish to discuss it until I have full knowledge of the situation."

Her interest was definitely piqued now. What would he have to talk to her about that had anything to do with the embassy? Apprehension began to unfurl within her, and she shifted uneasily in her chair.

"It is nothing to be concerned about," he assured her. "But I must be leaving now."

He stood, briefly laying a hand on her shoulder and squeezing, before exiting the dining room. A few seconds later, Amanda heard the front doors slide closed. She turned back to her plate of fruit, although she'd already lost her appetite at the thought of seeing T'Pau again- and in the face of whatever Sarek needed to tell her. Although he had said it was nothing to be concerned about, she had a feeling she would be concerned.

* * *

She was in the process of moving her things into Sarek's quarters- _their_ quarters, she reminded herself. She'd started packing her things as soon as she had forced down the remainder of her breakfast, and was now almost finished.

She moved the last crate of her belongings into the room, setting it on the floor, and was starting to find places for its contents when T'Shan appeared in the open doorway.

"Lady Amanda," she began, and Amanda straightened from where she had been leaning over the box, placing her hands on her lower back as she stretched to work out the kink that had formed from bending over too long.

"Let me guess- T'Pau is here, and wants to see me," she said.

"Precisely."

Amanda sighed and smiled grimly as she turned to head for the door.

"Well, I can't keep my dear aunt-in-law waiting," she muttered darkly. She saw T'Shan's eyebrows rise slightly, but the Vulcan said nothing as she followed Amanda down the hallway and the staircase.

This was the first time Amanda would have to confront T'Pau alone. Before, she'd always had Sarek right beside her, to give comfort as well as to keep her in check. Now, he was miles away at the embassy...she was alone. She told herself she could do this- she _had_ to do it. Sarek couldn't be at her side constantly to shield the blows T'Pau would aim her way. She must learn to fend for herself- in a mature, concise manner that would leave the woman in no doubt of her ability to restrain herself- no matter _what_ provocation she gave her.

She prepared herself to listen to T'Pau's censure as she entered the living room to find the woman waiting on a divan for her.

They exchanged the appropriate greetings, and Amanda seated herself in a chair, hands folded calmly in her lap as she gazed at the Vulcan, waiting for the speech she knew was coming.

"You were warned once before," the matriarch finally began after a full minute of silence. "And yet you dared to speak disrespectfully again. You are too bold."

Amanda said nothing, but she was aching to tell T'Pau that she wouldn't have been forced to be disrespectful if _she_ had not provoked her.

"I knew from the beginning that my nephew had not chosen his mate wisely. But it was nearing his Time, and he had to act quickly. Decisions made in haste are often later regretted," T'Pau said, watching Amanda closely- looking for a sign that the human was going to cave. Amanda refused to give that sign. She kept her eyes focused unwaveringly on those black chips of ice that bored into them relentlessly as the woman continued. "You cannot compose yourself in public. The wife of an ambassador and high-ranking member of the _thol'es_ must be composed at all times. If you cannot control your human impulses to react emotionally, you are not prepared for your position. There are many others more deserving and more capable than you."

Amanda attempted to calm herself. She could not allow her anger to control her- she repeated that to herself like a mantra. She was in control, not her emotions. It was starting to make sense to her why Vulcans put logic first- sometimes, it was extremely useful.

T'Pau's eyes did not leave hers as she continued.

"Be that as it may, he has chosen you. You survived the stay in the caves- barely, from what I have been told, but you did survive. You are safe for seven years. If you wish to remain in this clan for that amount of time, I warn you now: do not cross me. I will disown you- and Sarek, if need be- if you disrespect me again. It will not be tolerated, and this is your last warning."

T'Pau fell silent, still eying Amanda, searching her face for any hints of emotion- but her face was as blank as any Vulcan's.

"T'Pau, I mean no disrespect," Amanda said, although she was thinking differently. "But you do not understand. Your actions and words last night could be construed as insulting to humans. Our emotional reactions are strong, as you know. I could have controlled myself better, I admit- and I will try my hardest to improve that control-"

"You will not try, you will do so, or risk my displeasure," T'Pau interrupted coldly. "There is to be no more 'trying'- only doing. A concept humans have difficulty grasping."

Amanda pressed her lips together, swallowing her rebuttal. She knew the matriarch was trying to provoke an emotional response, but she would not give it. Not this time.

"Then I _will_ control myself better. There will be no more outbursts such as the one last night- no matter what you say to anger me."

She could not resist adding that last dig, though the matriarch chose to ignore it.

"By practicing such control, you are better learning your position," the Vulcan replied. "I still do not believe you will ever fully be prepared, but as long as you know your place in this clan, and stay out of my way, you will manage."

It infuriated Amanda that T'Pau did not even bother to refute the fact that she intentionally angered her. That in itself proved it- she was provoking her on purpose. And not only that- but she wanted _Amanda_ to stay out of _her_ way? T'Pau interfered constantly in her and Sarek's affairs, and she had been doing so from day one! If _anyone_ should be telling someone else to back off, it should be the other way around!

Her jaw clenched, but she managed to bite back that acidic retort- _this_ time.

"And what _is_ my place in this clan?" Amanda asked. T'Pau required no time to think of her response.

"Your place is as my nephew's wife- nothing more, nothing less. You are member of my clan in name only, and are not likely to ever be fully accepted by me. This is a fact you must become accustomed to." T'Pau sat back, still observing Amanda, who took a deep breath to calm herself.

"And is there any way I can ever be fully accepted into this clan?" she asked evenly. As much as she hated to admit it, she _did_ want to belong, and T'Pau's words had struck a chord deep within her.

"You must discover that for yourself," the matriarch said coolly.

"That's it? You can't tell me?" Amanda asked, unable to hide the frustration in her tone.

"No. I will not tell you," T'Pau said, black eyes still fixed on hers. "Suffice to say that I do not think it will happen."

Amanda's eyebrows drew together as she leaned back in her chair. How could she gain her approval if T'Pau wouldn't even tell her what it was she wanted from her?

"I have said what I came to say," T'Pau announced as she stood. Amanda stood also, relieved that she was leaving- especially so soon. "You would be wise to heed my warning this time, S'chn T'gai Amanda. If you err again, I will not hesitate to reprimand you in a harsher manner. If you value not only your dignity, but that of your husband as well, you will not make this mistake again."

The matriarch gave her a final once-over. "And you would do well to educate yourself on the proper attire to wear when in the presence of an Elder."

The traditional farewells were given, and then T'Pau was going...going..._gone_.

Amanda collapsed onto her chair again, relieved that she gotten through an entire encounter with T'Pau without 'disrespecting' her and getting into any sort of trouble. It had been difficult, she had to admit. It had taken a lot of self-control on her part to prevent her from going off. But the knowledge that that was exactly was T'Pau wanted her to do, kept her in check. As long as she didn't give in to her provocations, T'Pau could not win.

She knew it wasn't over. Not by a long shot- and maybe there would be a time in the future when Amanda would be secure enough in her position to give her a piece of her mind. But what was it T'Pau expected of her, other than the obvious of wanting her to behave as a woman of her position should? Amanda already knew she needed to work on her self-control. Sarek was right in that she'd acted childishly the night before- and she had every intention of not allowing such a scene to occur again. She didn't want to embarrass him again with her behavior. But that obviously wasn't all T'Pau wanted...if that had been all, she would have said so. Instead, she wanted Amanda to discover the way to acceptance for herself.

She sighed and scrubbed at her face with her hands. She still needed to finish unpacking the last box. She wouldn't worry about what it was T'Pau wanted- not now, anyway. It wasn't important at this point in time. She had a lifetime to figure it out.

* * *

Sarek came home in time for dinner that evening- an unusual occurrence these days- and they ate together in silence. Amanda dreaded whatever it was he had to tell her, because she knew by his quietness that it wasn't good. Whatever it was that he must tell her, she wanted to enjoy a few moments of peace beforehand. She knew she wouldn't like it.

After they'd eaten, they headed up to the bedchamber. Once the door was closed, she sank onto the bed, watching as he changed into his black cloth pants.

"What is it you need to tell me?" she asked gently as he finished and sat beside her.

"As I told you earlier, I received a second transmission this morning, after the one from the Council," he said as she slid her arms around him, resting her head against his shoulder. "It was from Earth, from a colleague of mine. Apparently, in the transference of my work to the Terran embassy, data was lost- including a message about an upcoming conference that it is required for me to attend, between myself and several important Terran diplomats."

"When is it?" Amanda asked, a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.

"It begins in three days," he said. "I would have remained unaware of it, had my colleague not seen fit to contact me to ensure I received the message, which I did not. Had I missed it, the consequences would have been severe for Vulcan. The Terrans would likely have assumed that I was intentionally absent."

"And how long will it last?" she asked, dreading the answer.

"Two weeks is the designated amount of time. But there is an agenda, and each item must be addressed and solutions agreed upon," he replied. "That taken into consideration, it will almost certainly last longer."

"Well, that's not too bad. Is it possible for me to come with you?" she asked hopefully. He paused before answering, and she felt unease from him- which she knew was _not_ a good sign.

"It would be best if you do not go."

"Why?" she asked, drawing away to look at him.

"I do not believe the media has yet lost interest in us. It would be better for you to stay here. I will be immersed in work, and unable to see you in any case," he said. Amanda frowned, crossing her arms over her chest. She could sense that he was withholding something- there was another reason he didn't want her to go.

"Why else?" she asked suspiciously.

"There is no other reason that you need to know, Amanda," he said, and pulled her against him. She didn't like _that_ answer at all. There was no other reason she 'needed to know'? That meant there _was_ another reason- and the fact that he'd deflected her question meant it was bad, whatever it was. And on top of that- he was kissing her neck, and now her lips- he was trying to distract her from questioning him further. And damn it- it was working! She was beginning to lose her train of thought as he pulled her closer against him.

The fact that he was avoiding divulging the real reason worried her. It had to be much worse than she'd thought. She could tap more into the bond to try to figure it out- but besides the fact that she was still less-than-experienced at working the link, he would easily be able to block her from his thoughts.

"It is nothing to be concerned about," he said against her hair. "Do not allow it to worry you, Amanda. I promise nothing will happen to me."

That was an odd response, she thought...why would he promise her nothing would happen to him? She felt a sudden surge of fear. It _was_ worse than she'd thought, if his safety was in any way at risk and he thought it necessary to reassure her...

"Peace, Amanda," he whispered, and she felt calm filling her. He was kissing her again, and she soon forgot all about her fear and worries as his heat surrounded her, their kisses intensifying, their clothing being shed...

She would worry about the mystery behind his wanting her to stay on Vulcan tomorrow...


	42. The Purists

**Chapter 42: The Purists**

After precisely two hours and fourteen minutes of rest, Sarek's eyes opened. Amanda's breathing was deep and steady beside him- one cool arm thrown over his midsection.

_Comfort_. That was what this feeling was.

It was a human emotion to 'miss' anything, but perhaps now being constantly connected to Amanda's mind was beginning to affect him, because he'd missed _this_. It was the second morning in a row after a long period of deprivation that he'd awoken to such peace, and he did not think he would ever tire of it.

He slid out of her arms, and found his pants on the floor, where she'd tossed them the night before. They were wrinkled, to his dismay, but he pulled them on. He glanced back at the bed, and felt a tug in his chest...

He knew she would question him further about the conference when she awoke, and he could not distract her at all times in the way he had the night before. She'd been suspicious enough then. He rarely initiated their encounters with no encouragement from her- as he maintained that it was illogical to engage in sexual acts unless she desired it at the time. There had been a perfectly logical reason for his actions last night- but she did not know what it was.

In part, he had instigated their coupling to assuage his own fears. He had guaranteed her something that he was not entirely sure he could deliver. He had erred by promising her that nothing would happen to him...he had slipped. Now she knew that he could be in potential danger- and would be even more worried. He had felt her anxiety already. If he told her everything that was happening on Earth- what he was risking by returning there- she would be terrified. She would try to make him stay, or worse- she would insist on going with him. He could not have that. It was best that she remain as unaware of the situation as possible. She was his mate and it was his duty to protect her, which meant leaving her on Vulcan- where she was safe. He saw no reason to worry her further, as he was sure nothing would happen to him while on Earth. And he _must_ go- this annual conference was an important event. He could not miss it.

Sarek realized that he had not moved in several minutes- instead, he watched his wife sleep. Coming out of his stupor, he leaned over to brush his lips against her forehead. It was an action not condoned by logic...but since no one was there to witness it, he was not disturbed by it. She stirred, and a small smile formed on her lips, but she did not awaken.

He left to begin his routine. He found peace in having a routine. He exercised to maintain his physical health, but it also cleared his mind in preparation for meditation. It was a way to "vent" his negative emotions, as Amanda called it. This morning, he vented his concern and frustration for the situation at hand as he went through the positions of Suus Mahna in rapid succession, his movements swift and graceful yet backed with controlled force. When he was finished, he had not broken a sweat, nor was he breathing hard- despite the ferocity of his actions.

Ten minutes later, he was seated on a mat in the meditation chamber. Smoke from the burning incense wafted over him in the dimly lit room- curling around him, clinging to him- before disappearing into the air, leaving behind only its aroma. It mingled with the scent that still lingered on him- the scent that was Amanda, the scent that clung to her very being. It was on his skin, in his hair- everywhere she had touched. He could meditate on that scent alone; it was human, and alien to him, but unmistakably feminine...

Forcing his mind back to where it needed to be, he focused on the current issue. As deep calm spread within him, he thought back to the day before, to the transmission he'd received from Earth...

* * *

_He'd just ended the call with the Council, and was still pondering their warning. It was not an empty threat- and yet, their request for him to dissolve the bond would be illogical. Every living Vulcan knew that the practice of forced dissolution had died out centuries before- dissolution could only occur with the willing permission of both parties. They knew he would choose Amanda over them- because he had a duty to her as her husband. He could not abandon her, nor did he want to. And they knew this. In other words...they were saying that if Amanda behaved in such a manner again, which he did not believe she would, they would be exiled..._

_ Sarek was jarred out of his reverie by the chiming of his comm link once more. He checked the incoming location- Earth, from the residence of an Ambassador Mayden. He was familiar with Mayden- he was one of the Terran diplomats he'd dealt with regularly in the line of his work. Unlike most diplomats, who _**assumed**_ they knew a great deal about Vulcans and behaved arrogantly because of that belief, Mayden _**did**_ know about Vulcans, and he'd only ever treated Sarek with respect. For that, Sarek tolerated him much better than he did other humans- with the obvious exception of Amanda. _

_ "Ambassador Mayden," Sarek said with a nod as his image appeared on-screen._

_ "Ambassador Sarek," Mayden responded, and then got right to the point- another reason why Sarek could tolerate him. He never 'beat around the bush' like many other humans did. Perhaps it was because he was older than most diplomats- being even older than Sarek at seventy years of age. "We never received your confirmation on the message about the conference coming up. Did you get it?"_

_ "I do not know what message you are referring to," Sarek replied slowly._

_ Mayden sighed, and leaned back in his chair, massaging his temples. Sarek had learned from Amanda that this was a sign of stress. _

_ "The message contained details of the annual conference held between the Vulcan ambassador and several Terran representatives, to work out the more serious issues between our planets. It's set to begin in a few days, and it's supposed to last two weeks. When we didn't receive a response, I was asked to check in with you. I'm not surprised that you didn't get it, though. It explains a lot," Mayden said grimly._

_ "I do not know what you mean, Ambassador. Please explain yourself," Sarek said._

_ "My guess- and keep in mind, this is just a guess- is that the message was intercepted," the human replied._

_ "Guessing rarely results in an accurate conclusion. It is based on instinct rather than facts," Sarek replied automatically. _

_ "I know that, Ambassador. But there's pretty strong evidence to indicate that it was intercepted," Mayden said, the corners of his mouth tugged down into a frown. _

_ "What has brought you to this 'guess'? And who do you believe would intercept this message?" Sarek asked, leaning back in his own chair, awaiting Mayden's response._

_ "As for what brought me to this 'guess'...as you know, all correspondence between __government officials is encrypted, as well as embedded with anti-copying codes. If someone were to hack into the right computer, they would have access to said correspondence. If they came upon __a certain file that's encrypted, and are a computer expert, they could decrypt it and see the contents. But once that is done, there is no way to encrypt it again- making it obvious that it was tampered with. So it mysteriously disappears from the system to avoid suspicion. If that is what happened, then that would explain why you never saw this message._

_ "As for who and why...Ambassador, have you heard of the group called the Terran Purist Movement?"_

_ Sarek leaned forward in his chair, eyebrows drawing together._

_ "Of course you have," Mayden muttered before Sarek could say anything. "What Vulcan _hasn't_ heard of them?"_

_ "None, I assure you," Sarek said, something dark uncoiling within him. "The Terran Purist Movement has been in existence since Earth's first contact. They are nothing more than an anti-Vulcan organization of humans in possession of little understanding. They are ignorant, but harmless."_

_"You're right- they're harmless, for the most part," Mayden agreed. "After their initial violent protests against Vulcans following first contact in the twenty-first century, they've laid low. Occasionally, police trace anti-Vulcan graffiti to one of their members, or a Vulcan may be sent hate mail- but for the most part, they're quiet. They're pretty much an underground organization. They have meetings, plan anti-alien parties...but remain inconspicuous."_

_ Sarek nodded once._

_ The Terran Purist Movement- the members called themselves Purists. They believed that Earth should not have joined the Federation, and were opposed to all non-humans- _**especially**_ Vulcans. They maintained that Vulcans were not to be trusted due to their intense secrecy about their culture, and believed that they had intentions of invading Earth. They were paranoid, prejudiced, and uninformed- and had been around for centuries. It was a sad testament to the fact that even all this time later, some humans preferred to remain ignorant. _

_ "You appear to be under the impression they may be responsible. This does not sound like something they would do, and if they were involved, I do not see what their motivation would be for stealing information about this conference. Nor have you explained what led you to believe that this was not a simple system malfunction that resulted in the loss of data during the transference of my work to Vulcan," Sarek said, eyebrows risen._

_ "I'm getting there, Ambassador. There's a lot of explaining to do and you've been gone for awhile now," Mayden said with a sigh. "It appears that they've become more active in the past few months...starting right around the time that article appeared about domestic abuse. Now, I know it was a load of bullshit-" Mayden added quickly when Sarek stiffened. "-but they don't believe the retraction that was printed afterward. I'm sure they believe that you abused your girlfriend-"_

_ "She is my wife," Sarek interrupted. "Amanda is now my wife."_

_ "Well...congratulations, then!" Mayden's smile lit up his face for the first time since the transmission began. "I wish you the best of luck."_

_ "Thank you, but continue," Sarek replied, even though a warm feeling filled his chest at the thought of Amanda, who would be waking up right about now..._

_ "Right. As I said, they think you abused her. I'm sure it's pissed them off, thinking that a __Vulcan hurt a human female. It's created an upsurge in anti-Vulcan hate crimes. Graffiti with slurs against your people are going up everywhere- the embassy was covered in such insults overnight a __few weeks ago. Took a few days to clean it up. A restaurant catering to Vulcans was broken into and trashed a month or two ago. There's been more than that, and it's getting worse all the time."_

_ Mayden rubbed at his eyes before resuming. Sarek remained still, waiting for him to continue._

_ "A week ago, a twenty-year-old Vulcan Science Academy student was in San Francisco for some academic event. Apparently, he was cornered outside his hotel by a group of six men, and beaten to death."_

_ Sarek tensed. "I have heard about this incident. It was described as a 'mugging' in the report I received from the Terran authorities. If it was more than that, I would prefer the truth to be made known."_

_ "I know, and soon we'll release the case entirely to you, and you can do what you want with it. We've managed to keep all this out of the media so far, and attribute the crimes to regular burglaries and vandalism- which is why you haven't seen anything about it. But like I said- it's only getting worse. You have royally pissed the Purists off. The authorities managed to capture one of the young men responsible for the death of the student, and after hours of interrogation about his motivations, he admitted that he's a Purist and there's some sort of plotting going on. They're planning something to do with you, he said. He wouldn't go into detail, but I'm guessing they want you gone- for good."_

_ Sarek clasped his hands together before his lips, staring unseeingly at the ambassador on the screen._

_ "That's why I think they might be behind this," Mayden said grimly. "They _do_ have some intelligent folk among their ranks, and it's perfectly plausible that one of them is a computer genius. With the information that was in the message, they'll know when you're coming to Earth, and how long you'll be here. That article only bolstered their beliefs that you and all other Vulcans are not to be trusted. And who knows- maybe they even think the assassination of the Vulcan ambassador would result in Vulcan's severing the alliance with Earth. We don't know anything beyond that- not what they're planning, or when they're going to put the plan into action...all we know is that they _are_ planning, if that boy is to be believed."_

_ Silence fell across the connection. If it were not for the faint hum of the comm unit and the occasional crackle of static, Sarek would have thought Mayden had ended the call, as his eyes were now trained on an opposite wall. Neither man spoke for several seconds._

_ "Ambassador Mayden," Sarek finally said. "The fact that this plot- which may or may not be a figment of the apprehended criminal's imagination- has been revealed will substantially lower the possibility of their succeeding. I am not saying that I am convinced the Purists are planning my assassination, but I will keep it in mind when I come to Earth for the conference."_

_ "You...you're still coming?" Mayden asked incredulously. "Ambassador, I would prefer that I consult with my fellow committee members and reschedule the conference. It would be safer."_

_ "And more inconvenient for the committee," Sarek pointed out. "As I said, their chances of succeeding have been lowered significantly- if, indeed, your suspicions are even correct."_

_ Sarek could not admit it aloud, because there was not sufficient evidence to come to a __logical conclusion on the matter- but a part of him agreed with Mayden that the Purists were planning something. They had not been so active since the first contact, when they staged protests __and boycotted anything Vulcan, as well as committed violent hate crimes...but it appeared that he had given them a reason to resurface, with all their former brutality and hatred for his people._

_ "Are you sure? We'd understand if you want to postpone. In other circumstances we wouldn't reschedule, but-"_

_ "Ambassador, I see no reason to postpone. There is no solid evidence- only speculation, the word of a murderer, and a missing message that may have only been lost in the system, instead of being intercepted and decrypted. I am not saying I do not believe your speculation has merit, but I see no logical reason to delay my duties as ambassador."_

_ Mayden shifted uncomfortably in his seat. _

_ "All right. We won't reschedule- but just in case, bring an armed escort. No taking chances. With the way the Purists have been acting lately, there's no saying what they'll do next. An assassination attempt doesn't sound too far off their radar after the murder of an innocent Vulcan student."_

_ "Out of curiosity, Ambassador, what makes you think they are behind all of these crimes?" Sarek asked as Mayden leaned forward to prepare to sever contact._

_ "They leave their sign at each scene," he replied grimly. "The IDIC symbol with an X through it."_

_ "I see," Sarek said quietly, and then nodded once at the ambassador. "I will bring an armed escort, as per your suggestion. I will arrive on Earth in two days."_

_ Mayden signed off, and Sarek was left staring at the blank screen, wondering..._

* * *

Sarek had nearly told Amanda about that call the morning before...but upon second thought, he'd decided it would be best to look into the matter further before worrying her needlessly. Now, he was relieved he had not told her.

After his own investigation- which included the demanding of police reports pertaining to the murder in question from the Terran government, as well as on the other anti-Vulcan hate crime cases- he'd decided that Mayden's concerns about an assassination attempt were not baseless. The Purists _were_ becoming increasingly violent and outspoken, stemming from the time of the article. His alleged abuse of Amanda seemed to have led them to think that Vulcans were every bit as untrustworthy as they'd always believed- and thereby leading them to believe something should be done about it. The graffiti Mayden had mentioned ranged from "_End the Vulcan Invasion!_" to "_Kill all Vulcan Scum!_"- and even one that was more personal for him: "_Don't Let the Vulcans Beat Our Women!_"

Their bigotry was disgusting. He could see this same group of people planning something as drastic as an assassination attempt. The idea was not comforting- but based on their previous illogical actions, there was no knowing what they would do next. Mayden was right about that- they were unpredictable.

Encrypted messages did not just disappear- it was possible, but highly unlikely. Interception, decryption, and erasure made more sense. And he still would not say it aloud- but after reading the text version of the criminal's confession, he was even inclined to believe him.

He could not tell Amanda about this. If she knew he was in danger, she would react emotionally. And there was still no guarantee he _was_ in danger- he did not want to worry her for nothing.

Slowly bringing himself out of his meditative trance, Sarek opened his eyes. He checked his internal clock- it was time for her to wake up. He stood and headed for the door- finding that despite his dread of the questions he knew she would ask, he still wanted to see her again.

When he entered the room, she was still in bed, but he could tell by the pattern of her respiration that she was slowly waking up. As he slid into bed beside her, her eyes fluttered open. She smiled and stretched before moving back into his arms.

"Good morning," she murmured sleepily. It appeared she had not remembered the night before yet...

"Good morning," he returned, running his fingers through her brown tresses, which fell around her shoulders in a silk sheet.

"When are you leaving for Earth?" she asked, eyes closing again. She had not forgotten then- she merely chose to ignore it, for the time being... he knew she would not give in so easily.

"Tomorrow morning," he replied. Her eyes snapped open and she lifted her head to look at him.

"That soon?" she asked.

"Yes. The conference begins in two days, but I would prefer to be there earlier," he said. "However, I have no work at the embassy today...which leaves the entire day to ourselves."

She was slightly mollified by the fact he would be spending the day with her, but he still sensed apprehension from her.

"And I really can't come?" she asked. "I want to go back to Earth, even if it's only for a short time. And Sarah still won't return my calls...maybe if I spoke to her face to face-"

"No," he said gently, moving his hand from her hair to her cheek, stroking the smooth skin. "You cannot come."

If the Purists could hurt _him_...there was no knowing what they would do to _her_. It was possible they would do nothing- after all, they probably saw her as a victim- but he would rather not take the risk. She would be a target either way- for loving a Vulcan instead of siding with her own people. And if something _did_ happen to him, he did not want her there to see it.

He managed to block those thoughts from her, but she still felt a tremor of his fear.

"Sarek, what aren't you telling me?" she asked in a whisper. "What is so bad that you can't even tell your wife what's going on?"

That nearly made him give in. He did not _like_ to keep things from her...especially not something like this...but it was better that she not know what danger he could possibly be in.

"Amanda, do you trust me?" he asked, looking into her brown eyes, which were sad as they met his gaze.

"Of course I do," she replied, and reached over to squeeze his hand, making sure he felt the truth of her words.

"Then trust me on this, my _adun'a_," he said, pressing his forehead against hers. He felt her frustration.

"Sarek, you want me to trust you...and you keep telling me not to worry...but that only makes me worry more. And I feel your emotions too, even when you try to hide them. I would feel better if I knew what was going on," she said, and drew away from him. He missed the coolness of her body as he hopelessly watched her get out of bed and pull on her silk robe. "It scares me to think something might happen to you," she added over her shoulder as she turned away from him.

He followed her off the bed, and stood before her.

"Nothing will happen to me, Amanda. I have already promised as much to you."

"Exactly. Which tells me I _do_ have something to worry about, because you wouldn't make that promise without a reason," she said, and he was alarmed to see tears building up in her eyes. "Telling me it's nothing to worry about- but keeping the reason you want me to stay on Vulcan a secret, as well as promising something like that...that's only going to make it worse!"

"There _is_ no need to worry," he said, soothing her over the link as he placed his hands on her arms. "And I have already told you why you must remain here. The media has not forgotten us, and your presence will only increase publicity."

That was true, even if it was not his real motive.

"Sarek..." she shook her head sadly, and pulled away. "If you won't give me details, will you at least tell me if there's any danger involved at all?"

He hesitated...could he afford to divulge even that much?

"I do not yet know. The situation is unclear...but it is a possibility," he admitted. He expected her to probe further- to continue to ask questions to get him to reveal the whole truth- but instead, she only nodded.

"Okay," she said, her voice breaking slightly. She cleared her throat, and composed herself. "Thank you- for telling me at least that much."

"The bond will be open at all times, Amanda," he said, drawing her against him. "But I do not think anything will occur out of the ordinary. I am only taking precautions."

"I know," she said, her voice muffled as she pressed her face against his chest. "Well...at least we have all of today before you leave tomorrow," she added hopefully, and pulled away to give him a small smile. He traced the curve of her lips with one finger.

"Yes, we do," he agreed. He felt her struggling...she was trying to push away her worries and fear, and he assisted her. She was soon calm again, and her smile strengthened.

"You haven't been in the sonic shower yet. If we want to go down for breakfast together, we could save time by showering together," she said with a mischievous smile. He was relieved that she'd let the previous subject go, and was instead intent on enjoying their time together.

"Judging by the image I have just seen in your mind," he said, as he began to untie her robe slowly. "What you plan to do in the shower will be counterproductive to the purpose of showering."

"Well, there isn't a lot of space in the shower stall," she said matter-of-factly as the robe slipped off her shoulders to pool on the floor. "So logically, we'd have to be _very_ close to each other."

His eyes drank their fill of her body as his hands rubbed up and down her sides, feeling the soft, supple skin- like silk. He calculated the logistics of sharing their shower space...he would have to brace her against the wall...

"Your logic is sound," he finally replied. She grinned as she began to back toward the door to the bathroom- pulling him along with her.

**A/N: Uh oh...someone's got a hate group all riled up...**


	43. Departures

**A/N: Hopefully, this chapter will explain a few things about T'Pau, and give our couple a decent farewell.**

**Chapter 43: Departures**

Amanda watched Sarek as he read something on his PADD. She lay on her stomach on the bed, chin propped up by one hand. She tilted her head, and reached out to place a hand over the screen.

"It's your day off, and you're still not relaxing," she said, breaking the silence that had stretched on for nearly ten minutes. He removed her hand from the PADD and continued reading as if he had not been interrupted.

"I did not say I had a 'day off'. I said I had no work at the embassy," he replied.

"You also said we had the day to ourselves. You didn't mention that we'd be spending it naked, in bed, with a data PADD," she remarked, moving onto her side to trail her fingers across his chest, and down his stomach...

"As for your claim that I am not 'relaxing'," he said, placing his hand over hers to stop its path downward, toward the sheets that barely covered his hips. "What you wish to do is hardly considered relaxing, either- and also very unproductive compared to other, more intelligent pursuits."

She withdrew her hand and laid her head on her pillow, looking up at him.

"You're leaving tomorrow, and I want to spend today with you. Is that such a bad thing?"

"We are spending the day together already," he pointed out.

"I mean with your undivided attention. I know it's selfish, but I won't see you for two whole weeks- maybe more if the conference lasts longer."

She didn't dare voice her concerns that something might happen to him and she wouldn't see him again at all...but she didn't need to. As fleeting as the thought was, he still caught it over the bond. He set the PADD aside and turned onto his side to face her.

"I am now finished with my reading. Are you satisfied?" he asked.

"Surprisingly- considering the morning we've had- no, I'm not," she said with a smirk, and leaned in to kiss him.

After their shower, they'd gone to breakfast...and then come right back upstairs. After listening to him play the _ka'athyra_ for nearly an hour, they'd gone back to bed...that was three hours before. They hadn't left the bed since.

"Is this all you plan for us to do today?" he asked, pulling away.

"Yes, is there a problem with that?" She raised her eyebrows, smirking again.

"It is not logical to stay in bed all day and remain idle," he stated. "There is work I could do instead."

"True," she said slowly, reaching up to stroke the tip of one pointed ear. "But it can wait, can't it?"

"It is not urgent," he allowed. "But there is no need to lay here and do nothing. It is a waste of time that could be put to better use."

"You're right, it's _not_ logical to lay here and do nothing. This time _can_ be put to better use," she said, and his eyebrows went up...she felt his suspicion- he knew she was up to something, and she grinned. "Which is why we _won't_ just lay here, and I can think of a very good use of our time," she finished, hooking a leg over his hip and pressing herself against him. She heard a sharp intake of breath, and kissed him, sucking gently on his lower lip. He was relenting, because despite his claims that this was an illogical usage of time, he wanted it as much as she did...

He rolled over, pinning her beneath him; the entire length of their bodies now pressed against each other. She could feel every contour of his body, and she arched into him as he began to kiss her...

Their coupling was heated, frenzied, and yet somehow still laced with tenderness. It was in the way he kissed her as they spiraled toward their peaks- in the way his hands touched her so gently, lovingly...even when they were at their most passionate, he managed to convey the softer side of him. She never got to see it at any other time...and that in itself was worth the sex, not just the physical pleasure. This was when his guard was down the most- when he was able to show her how he felt without compromising himself...

When they were both finished, she lay with her head pillowed on his chest, one of his arms around her shoulders. Her heart was finally slowing down to its normal rate, and her breathing evening out when the door chimed. Amanda pressed her cheek harder against Sarek's chest and groaned.

"What is it?" Sarek called out as they sat up, and she pulled the sheets closer around her.

"Lady T'Nik has just arrived. She must speak to Lady Amanda," T'Shan's voice came. "She is waiting in the gathering room. She says she cannot stay long...it would be best if you did not delay longer than necessary."

Amanda heard T'Shan's footsteps fade away down the corridor as she left.

"Well, at least we got to finish before T'Shan showed up," she muttered, moving to the edge of the bed.

"I am sure that was intentional," Sarek said, picking up the PADD that had been abandoned earlier.

"Are you saying she knew we were...?" Amanda blushed at the thought. She was not normally a shy woman, but the possibility of having been overheard by T'Shan was...unsettling.

"There is a high possibility that she heard you. These walls are not sound-proof, and as you know, Vulcans have excellent hearing," he replied. He did not appear to think this was a bad thing. He didn't seem to care one way or the other at all.

"You could've reminded me of that fact sooner," she grumbled as she went to the closet to dress.

"I did not realize you needed to be reminded," he said.

"You're not going down with me?" she asked as she fastened her pants.

"T'Nik has not come to speak to me. I see no reason to accompany you," he replied without looking up at her.

"Oh, thanks," she said sarcastically as she pulled on a shirt.

"I see no need to thank me," he said, looking up at her, and she felt his puzzlement. She laughed softly, and pecked him on the lips as she went by.

"I'll be back soon," she said. He did not reply...he was again absorbed in the old news articles he'd been reading all morning- when they weren't otherwise occupied, anyway. One of these days, she would remember to look up the news articles from the last few months to figure out what it was he found so interesting. She had not regularly kept up with the news ever since their names had been featured prominently, but nothing could ever deter Sarek from it.

She wouldn't worry about it now...she was trying not to worry about _anything_ today. She didn't want to think about Sarek's promise and what he'd told her about the possibility of being in danger...but the thoughts crept in.

What sort of danger could he be in? Who would want to hurt him? Of course, he was an important political figure- he had a lot of power. Many people would want him silenced. There were plenty out there who may disagree with his views, and may want him gone...but she couldn't imagine a situation in which anyone would dare act on those wishes.

Apparently, someone planned to...and Sarek had found out about it.

Amanda shoved these thoughts away for what felt like the hundredth time that morning as she descended the staircase. She knew he had reasons for not telling her everything, even if she disliked being kept in the dark. She had to accept that...no matter how much she wanted to march back into the bedchamber and shake the details out of him.

As for T'Nik...why was she there? She'd mentioned keeping in touch via transmission, but Amanda hadn't thought she would come in person. She liked the Vulcan woman, she really did- but she didn't like her showing up at her home unannounced. She was _not_ Sarek's wife any longer, and this was not _her_ home. Amanda expected her to call beforehand- just like every other non-family member.

She entered the room, and T'Nik stood from her chair.

"I apologize for coming without warning," she said. "I was on my way to the shuttle station, and it occurred to me that I should stop here. I have something to discuss with you, and I would prefer to do so in person rather than through a transmission."

"Why were you on your way to the shuttle station?" Amanda asked, deciding to forgive her as the women sat across from one another.

"My shore leave has ended. I must return to the science station," T'Nik replied. She was eying Amanda's hair and clothing...which she now realized were both rather disheveled, since she'd been in a rush. Then she remembered something- Vulcans did not only possess acute senses of hearing...they also had a keen sense of smell. Amanda wondered if T'Nik could smell the sex on her, and she shifted uncomfortably at the thought. Sarek often commented that he could smell her natural scent...and if she was aroused, or had been recently, he could even smell it clear across a room. Undoubtedly, T'Nik could too.

"I'm sure that, considering how Vulcans value work and not idleness, you'll be relieved to return there," Amanda said, trying not to think about the fact that T'Nik knew exactly what she'd been doing fifteen minutes previously.

"It is preferable to be fully occupied, but I have spent these two weeks well by catching up on news articles and scientific journals- which are a rarity on a space station, as the subspace connection is limited to professional uses. My assignment in space ends in two years, and then I will return to Vulcan...while I have made great use of my project, I will be content to return here in a permanent capacity," T'Nik said, leaning back in her chair. "But to turn to more important issues at hand- as I must be at the shuttle station in thirty-six minutes- I wish to discuss what I witnessed at the social event two days ago."

Of course, Amanda thought. She wanted to discuss her behavior towards T'Pau. She couldn't imagine what would make T'Nik think she had the right to reprimand her like Sarek and T'Pau. She prepared to cut the woman off- she was _not_ going to listen to a lecture from someone she barely knew, no matter her familiarity with Sarek and his aunt.

"I know T'Pau provoked you, and I am sure it was not the first time she has done so," T'Nik continued, and Amanda fought hard not to allow her jaw to drop- because that would have been undignified. "I also know it will not be her last attempt to garner an emotional reaction from you."

"How do you know...?" Amanda trailed off.

"I was acquainted with T'Pau for many years. She bonded Sarek and I, and also officiated over our marriage ceremony. She often remarked on her displeasure with our union, as she did not believe my family to be of high enough ranking for me to be a suitable mate for the heir of the S'chn T'gai clan- but I was the best available match at the time." She paused, and leaned forward before continuing.

"T'Pau has always had high ambitions for her family and heir. I knew she would not take kindly to Sarek choosing a human to become his next wife. She would have preferred someone from the highest echelons of Vulcan society. Tell me, what are your theories on T'Pau's behavior towards you, Lady Amanda? I would like to hear your thoughts on the subject."

Amanda was surprised- both from the revelation that T'Pau had disapproved of T'Nik also, and at the fact that she was asking her opinion on T'Pau's provocations.

"I think it's fairly obvious that T'Pau wants to embarrass us, and prove to Sarek I'm inadequate to be his wife. She wants to separate us," Amanda said slowly, T'Nik's dark eyes watching her closely. "I can't think of any other reason for her to be rude to me every chance she gets."

"Interesting," T'Nik said, leaning back again. "Your first reaction is to immediately think she is attempting to separate you- quite a defensive reaction, I might add. Lady Amanda, it would be illogical for her to attempt such a thing- and T'Pau is anything but illogical. She is as logical a Vulcan as you are likely to ever meet."

"How is it illogical?" Amanda asked. "And if she isn't trying to separate us, what _is_ she trying to accomplish?"

"It is illogical for several reasons," T'Nik replied. "For one- Sarek would not have married you unless he was resolved to. And I know from experience that when Sarek is resolved, he does not change his mind. T'Pau knows this as well as I do. She may disapprove- she may have even attempted to fight it in the beginning- but she is now resigned to the fact that Sarek has made his decision, and nothing will change it. Even if you were to dishonor him in public, he would not dissolve your bond because of a sense of duty to you. One thing that sets your husband apart from other Vulcans is that he knows what he wants, and he will justify it with logic to attain it. A trait he inherited from T'Pau, no doubt."

Amanda leaned forward, watching the Vulcan. She was liking her more and more- she had a firm grasp on how Sarek's mind worked- which meant she could learn from her- as well as knowledge on how to speak to humans. Working alongside humans seemed to have rubbed off on her somewhat- it was evident even in her speech, which was at times not as formal as that of most Vulcans.

"If it were not for this knowledge of his own wants, I doubt you would be here now. If he had not acknowledged a desire for you, he would not have pursued you. While I am sure he had logical justifications- the fact is, you are not a logical match for him. Another Vulcan would not have dared to establish a relationship with you." T'Nik paused, searching Amanda's face. "But this is besides the point- I am digressing. It is also illogical for T'Pau to now attempt to separate you because she has already officiated over your ceremony. This means she willingly accepted you into her clan, even if she does not personally approve. She could have refused to do so- effectively preventing you from bonding. If she had wished to keep you apart, that is when she would have done it. She knows that any efforts to force a dissolution after that time would be futile, given Sarek's character."

A short silence fell, during which the two women eyed one another.

"So why is she acting the way she does? Just to humiliate me and Sarek, because she knows she can't do anything to end our marriage?" Amanda finally asked.

"No," T'Nik said slowly. "That is not her motivation. She would not provoke an emotional reaction merely because she desires to. That would not be logical. She is testing you."

"_Testing_ me?" Amanda asked incredulously. "That's a hell of a way to test someone! The Council threatened to force the dissolution of our bond if something like that happens again- and if Sarek refuses to go through with it, which he _would_, we would be exiled from Vulcan. That's a harsh way to test someone, don't you think? Putting their dignity on the line?"

"It may be harsh," T'Nik said evenly. "But it is necessary. T'Pau is teaching you that you must be composed at all times. She is doing so in the same way I would- even humans know the phrase of 'trial and error'. You have learned from your mistake, have you not?"

"Well, I certainly won't do such a thing in public again-" Amanda began furiously.

"Then your lesson has been learned. You now know to keep your tongue in check while in a public setting. That was T'Pau's intention," T'Nik said. "The wife of a diplomat must present herself in a calm, unemotional manner- if you make a mistake, it will directly affect Sarek's image. This is not only true of Vulcans- Terran politicians are the same way. Political figures and those closely associated with them cannot afford to make mistakes. If you allow your words to slip and unintentionally insult a representative from a different culture- no matter what they say to anger you- it will cause difficulties. T'Pau intentionally angered you to teach you that you cannot afford an emotional display, and she was correct in doing so, even if you believe her method harsh. It is better that you learn that lesson now, with her, rather than with someone more important- which would result in far more disastrous consequences than a warning from the Council."

Amanda looked down at the floor. T'Nik agreed with T'Pau...and the worst part was that she knew both women were right.

"And what is her excuse the other times?" Amanda asked.

"The same as it was that evening. She is testing your control- testing your abilities. If she did not think you had potential, she would not bother with you at all. She would allow you to be your and Sarek's ruin, if she were completely opposed to the match. That would be far more effective than attempting to drive you apart," she replied.

"And you're sure that's her motivation?" Amanda asked skeptically.

"Yes. It is the only logical conclusion, and she treated me similarly in the early years of my marriage to Sarek. I know this from experience," the Vulcan prepared to stand, and Amanda followed suit. "Lady Amanda, I must take my leave of you now. If I wait much longer, I will miss my shuttle. I merely thought I should clarify the situation for you, as I was sure you did not understand T'Pau's actions- I doubt even Sarek does, and so he could not explain it. Now that you know, perhaps you will take it into consideration the next time she tries to provoke you."

"Thank you, T'Nik. I _will_ take it into consideration. And feel free to contact me whenever you need to," Amanda said, smiling warmly. Unlike with most Vulcans, Amanda felt that she could be..._human_...around T'Nik. Before, she'd only experienced that feeling with Sarek. But like him, T'Nik was studying human behavior. She understood...and so Amanda felt comfortable with her.

"My communications with you will not be often, as there is a limit on outgoing transmissions. But I will attempt to contact you." She began to head for the doorway.

"Wait," Amanda called, and she stopped, looking back. "Why are you being so helpful to me, anyway?"

T'Nik regarded her for a moment before replying.

"I have been in your position before. It is logical to assist you by passing on my knowledge," she said simply, and then she was turning back around...and gone.

Amanda sat there for a long moment. So T'Nik believed that T'Pau was testing her...it was a strange thought, one that she had not considered before, and yet...

It _did_ explain why she was deliberately baiting her. She wasn't pleased with the idea that T'Pau was teaching her lessons that could be taught in a less cruel manner, but the lessons _had_ been well-learned. She would be extremely careful about her emotional responses in the future, and she was improving her "Vulcan-face" and she referred to it. T'Nik and T'Pau were right in that respect...it was important that she learn to be calm and unemotional in public settings- for Sarek's sake.

Her mind still reeling from the previous conversation, Amanda stood and made her way back upstairs. When she entered the bedchamber, it was to find that Sarek hadn't even moved from his position- back against headboard, PADD in hand. As she made her way back to the bed, she began to shed her clothing- knowing that she wouldn't be keeping them on long, anyway.

"That was an interesting conversation," she said as she crawled back onto the bed to lay beside him once more, curling up against the hotness of his body.

"What did she have to say that was of importance?" he asked.

"We talked about you," she replied, smirking when he glanced up, eyebrows risen.

"Should I be concerned?" he asked.

"No," she said with a chuckle. "She just told me a few things about you. She knows you a lot better than I do, and it was...enlightening. But we mostly talked about T'Pau."

She told him everything that had been said about the matriarch, and when she finished he contemplated her words for a few minutes before she nudged him.

"Well? Do you agree with T'Nik?" she asked.

"It would explain her behavior towards you," he admitted. "And it is logical."

"So that's a yes," Amanda supplied.

"I would prefer that she not employ such tactics, even if it appears to be working," he said darkly. "I do not approve of the constant insults. I will have words with her when I return from Earth."

"No, you shouldn't-" she began.

"T'Pau does not have total authority over me, Amanda. She may have a say in certain aspects of my life, but she does not have a say in all of it. She has no right to treat you as she does, no matter her motivations. I have been meaning to speak to her since that evening, and I will do so soon."

She felt aggravation from him at the thought of the things T'Pau had said to her, and she shook her head slowly.

"Sarek, I'm perfectly capable of fighting my own battles," she said.

"This is not only your battle. When she provokes you, she provokes me. She is my elder, and my matriarch- but nothing gives her the right to insult me or my own." His voice contained a hint of a growl...and that, combined with the flash of protectiveness she felt from him, and the darkening look in his eyes...had a very interesting effect on her.

She placed her hands on his face and pulled him to her for a kiss, lips lingering against his warmth before she pulled away. He seemed almost startled...but of course, Vulcans don't get startled.

"May I ask what that was for?" he asked.

"For being so irresistible when you're protecting me," she said with a smile. She then tilted her head mischievously. "You know, it's barely noon, and we still have all day..." She slid her hands downward.

"Your sexual appetite has been unusually insatiable today," he said, but did not stop her actions.

"Two weeks or more," she reminded him, once again pushing away the bad thoughts that hovered at the edges of her mind. She couldn't think those now. Not when they were both so at peace, and happy...right now, she couldn't imagine anything happening to him.

She was successful in pushing the thoughts away, and pulled him closer against her again. This was what she needed- a distraction.

* * *

When she felt herself slowly drifting into consciousness, she squeezed her eyes shut tightly. She didn't want to wake up- not this morning. Not when she had to face the facts she'd been able to push away the day before...

The day before...it had been indescribably happy. They'd spent almost all of it in the bedroom, leaving only to eat meals. The perfect way to send him off for two weeks. She refused to think anything would befall him on Earth- he would be fine. She told herself this over and over again...

Amanda felt the mattress shift, and she opened her eyes. Sarek had sat on the edge of the bed beside her. He was fully dressed as he rested a hand on her hip.

"Are you leaving already?" she asked softly.

"Yes," he replied quietly. "I trust you will find ways to occupy your time and distract yourself while I am away."

She smiled. "You know, you _could_ just say 'I hope you'll be okay without me'."

"Will you be?" he asked, raising his eyebrows. She laughed, and laced her fingers through his.

"You really think I can't handle you being gone for a few weeks? I'm made of stronger stuff than that, Sarek," she said, but her worries were starting to return- and this time, she couldn't banish them. Her fingers tightened, squeezing his hand.

"I am aware," he said. There was a pause. "As I said before, the bond will be opened at all times."

"I know. But I'll still expect you to call, so I can see you, too," she said.

"Then I will do so," he said. He looked at her for a moment, taking in her countenance. "I must be going."

She sat up. "Maybe I should get dressed and walk you down to the hover-car."

"No," he said, stilling her movements with a hand on her shoulder. "It is much earlier than your usual time of awakening. You have not received sufficient rest. I merely wanted to inform you of my departure. Go back to sleep."

"I want to see you off," she insisted.

"And you should sleep," he countered. She sighed, but did not argue. "I will go now," he added, and leaned forward to kiss her. When he started to pull away, she only followed him- wanting the kiss to last as long as possible. He relented, and pulled her closer against him, caressing her lips with his, tongues meeting briefly before he broke the kiss. "I will return soon," he said, standing from the bed. She watched- helplessly, wordlessly- as he made his way to the door. She didn't know what to say- she couldn't even formulate a coherent thought. And then the door was sliding closed behind him.

Amanda laid back down- shaking slightly as she gathered the bed covers closer around her. Something bad could happen to him. She was afraid- and she wanted to cry, but could not allow herself- because he would know. That would only make it worse for him. And besides- she didn't know for sure that he _was_ in danger. There was no need to cry. She told herself this as she bit her lip, closing her eyes in an effort to suppress the deep dread filling her.

She had half a mind to quickly dress and run after him to watch him leave- or even better, go against his wishes and travel to Earth- on a separate transport if need be. But she knew that would only disappoint him, because she would be defying his wishes. She couldn't disappoint him. She would have to do what he wanted- and stay on Vulcan. Even if part of her screamed that she should act differently. She had a bad feeling about his going to Earth...

He had barely left- and she could still feel him in her mind- but she missed him already.


	44. Protestation

**Chapter 44: Protestation**

Sarek stepped out of the private shuttle, flanked by his guards- three highly trained Vulcans armed with phasers. Normally they would have carried lirpas, the traditional double-bladed Vulcan weapon dating back thousands of years- but phasers were less likely to draw attention. And attention was the last thing he wanted at the moment.

As they approached the exit of the shuttle station, Sarek experienced a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He could hear a crowd of reporters outside- talking amongst themselves as they waited for him to appear. He'd tried to reserve his transportation as inconspicuously as possible, but leaks were bound to happen. Someone must have let slip to the media that he was arriving that day...

Dreading what was to come, he stepped out into the chilly California sunlight. To a human, it would have been a warm day- it was approaching the summer solstice in this hemisphere- but he had grown accustomed to the heat of Vulcan once more. He adjusted his body temperature a small amount to compensate for the coolness of the air as he looked around him.

There were at least fifty representatives of the news media there, and upon his appearance, they surged forward. As they took pictures and recorded the scene with small silver cameras - shouting questions at him- his guards closed in, forming a triangle around him. Their hands rested on their phasers as they moved forward, descending the cement steps and taking the path toward the waiting hover-car.

"Ambassador- why the armed escort?" A woman shouted as they passed. "Have you received death threats?"

"Is it true that you and the woman you were publicly accused of beating are now married?"

"Any thoughts on the recent death of the Vulcan Science Academy student? Anything you want to say to the killers still on the loose?" Someone else asked.

Sarek nearly paused at that one. Other questions he could readily ignore- but that was one issue that had been plaguing him more than he would like to admit. The needless death of one of his own people- the death of one of the Vulcans who were, in a sense, under his charge as long as they were on Earth...all because of a group of men who hated Vulcans for no reason. It was pointless. It was disgusting. Yes, he _did_ have words to say to those responsible for the death- but they were not logical, nor were they words he would want the media to publish him as saying. They were somewhat...undiplomatic.

When he'd first heard about the death- when it was described as a mugging- he had thought it was highly regrettable- but it was well-known that there were 'gangs' in San Francisco who robbed people at night, and deaths occasionally resulted from their violence. He had informed the student's family himself, over a transmission...he'd told Amanda about it that evening, and she'd claimed that it was rude to tell a family such bad news over a comm link.

"You should have told them face-to-face," she'd scolded. He had only risen his eyebrows and hadn't even responded. His presence would not have made the news easier to accept. Perhaps it was another human quirk to believe it would.

But when Mayden told him it had not been a simple robbery- that it had been a hate crime...that changed everything. A mugging, while still not a justification of murder, at least made some semblance of sense- the motive had been credits and taking anything of value for their own personal gain. But to murder another being for no reason other than that they existed...even now, as he slid into the waiting hover-car, it made the bile rise in his throat. There had been no motive except their own hatred of what they did not understand.

Vulcans were against violence of any form- especially murder. But the thought of what had happened to that young student made him want to reconsider if he ever met the culprits...

Deciding that these musings were not conducive to the centering of his being, he focused instead on more pleasant thoughts as the hover-car headed toward his rented home. Amanda...it was now almost evening on Vulcan. She would be working on her research, or perhaps finishing up the last of her coursework.

He recalled the day before. It had been- despite the time he had wasted in illogical pastimes- the most peaceful day he'd had in some time. And he would have these memories to sustain him until he returned to her...

_"Stop it."_ Came her voice in his mind, teasing him.

_"Stop what?"_ he asked.

_ "You know what. You're thinking about yesterday. It's distracting me."_

_ "Are you currently occupied?" _he asked.

_"Yes, I am. T'Shan just gave me a list of a hundred translations I have to do. So stop thinking about us being naked so I can work on it,"_ she replied, and he knew she was smiling from the light feeling he was now experiencing through her...he could not describe how it felt when she smiled. Joyous and content, like his heart was rising upward.

_"I will endeavor to do so," _he said, and pulled out of the link enough so that they could not hear each other's thoughts, but they could still feel one another's presence.

This time, their separation would be different, he thought. Before, they'd only had the weak link. Now, they were bonded- they could converse whenever they had a free moment. They could feel each other. It was...comforting, to know she was constantly with him, even while still safe on Vulcan.

When they pulled up to his residence, the peace he had felt after the exchange with Amanda quickly turned back into dread.

The public sidewalk that stretched before the gates was full- and not only with reporters. There were groups of other humans- unassociated with the media- who held signs over their heads. They were shouting out the slogans printed on them as the hover-car passed...

"Free Earth from Vulcan tyranny!"

"Throw the Vulcan in jail, where he belongs!"

"End the alliance with the traitors!"

"Don't let the silver-tongued devil talk his way out of justice! End Vulcan influence! They can't be trusted!"

Sarek closed his eyes, attempting to drown out the noise by concentrating on thoughts of Amanda once more- the way her eyes sparkled mischievously when she was up to something- her smile, rosy lips curving in a way that made it very difficult to resist kissing her- the sound of her laughter, like music...

The images centered him, and he opened his eyes again. They were through the gates, which were now smoothly closing behind them...but he could still hear the raucous shouts. He knew they would not end any time soon.

Unfortunately, such gatherings were not illegal according to Terran law. On Vulcan, such displays simply did not occur- and neither did the constant mobs of reporters. He valued the privacy he could retain on Vulcan. He and Amanda were allowed a retreat from the media there. They could go out without worrying someone would follow them and ask personal questions. They did not have to fear misinterpretations and false accusations. They were allowed to simply _be_- and without judgment.

Here...privacy did not even exist. Humans were the most interfering species alive. Why did they think they must know everything, even when the situation did not concern them?

Dreading the weeks ahead of him, Sarek exited the hover-car and entered the mansion he had hoped he would be returning to with Amanda at his side.

* * *

It did not seem to ever end.

When he arose so early in the morning that it was still dark, all was quiet...but by the time he finished his exercise and meditation regimen, and was sitting down for breakfast- he could hear them in the distance, through the full-length windows overlooking the green expanse of grass that served as a "lawn".

When he left the mansion, they seemed to follow him- or perhaps there was a second group of protesters who were alerted when he left, and quickly arrived to greet him at the building where the conference was being held- the headquarters of the Terran diplomatic committee. They continued to brandish their signs and shout out their illogical, misinformed phrases at him. He ignored them- his guards watched them closely as they passed. But other than verbally, they did not seem to display violence.

Logic would dictate that this was likely the action against him the murderer had mentioned- but part of Sarek knew there was more- that it was far from over. If a protest was all he had meant, he would have said so. There was nothing secretive about a noisy gathering of humans. But it _would_ be the perfect environment for something more- the perfect cover.

He was not going to let his guard down- not even after the first week passed uneventfully. The only hindrance was the constant crowd. Eventually, the Terran police arrived to assist. They could not force the humans to disband- they were on public property, and were not acting violently- but they patrolled the perimeters of the crowd as if to make sure they were in order.

He could not allow this to distract him- his duties as ambassador must be taken seriously, and with the utmost concentration. He forced his thoughts of the situation away and focused on his task- to ensure that relations between Vulcan and Earth were operating smoothly. It was not easy to do so when protesters waited just outside, displaying their disapproval of the conference that was taking place- but it was being done.

"How the hell are you putting up with it?" Mayden asked after the eighth meeting had ended and only they remained seated at the long conference table. Through the window, they could hear the muffled cries that were beginning to become familiar to Sarek...and the crowd seemed to swell more by the day.

He and the committee were progressing well with the agenda, and Sarek was beginning to think they would meet the two-week goal- which meant he would return to Vulcan sooner than he had previously dared to hope. With this in mind, he was particularly content when Mayden asked him this query.

"It would be illogical to allow the inane ideas of uninformed beings to disturb me in any way," Sarek replied, entering the last of that meeting's data into his PADD before looking up at his elderly human colleague. "They are but a small contingent of humans who think in that way. Most Terrans are pleased by the continuing alliance between Vulcan and Earth. As representatives of a small faction, they present little harm to my work here."

"Maybe not to your work- but to your health, they might," Mayden remarked. "And you know they're not just opposed to the alliance- they're personally opposed to _you_, as well."

"It would be even more illogical to allow their personal opinions of me to disturb me," Sarek said as he fastened his carrying case and stood. "They labor under the false assumption that I injured my wife. She and I both know the truth, and that knowledge is enough. That is all they base their opinion on- there is no need to concern myself with it. I cannot change their prejudiced opinions, and I will not even attempt to do so."

"You know as well as I do that this might get worse," Mayden warned.

"Yes, I am aware." Sarek headed for the door. "If you will excuse me, I do have somewhere else I must go today."

"Home, I hope?" Mayden asked, eyebrows risen. "I wouldn't suggest that you go anywhere else."

"I have business elsewhere," Sarek replied. "I do not believe I will be in danger where I am going."

Mayden looked skeptical, but his opinion hardly mattered. Sarek left, and his guards- who had been waiting outside the room- fell in around him.

The more time passed, the more Sarek found himself wishing for Amanda's presence- and the more he regretted not telling her everything. He'd decided two days before while they conversed over the comm-link, that there was something he _could_ do for her while he was on Earth, since she could not be here to do it herself. He knew it bothered her that her sister still did not contact her- it had been a few months since their falling-out, and Amanda was still upset over it. She hardly mentioned Sarah any more, but on the occasions when she did, it was always accompanied by a pang he felt over the bond.

The action may have been partially due to guilt on Sarek's part...but if Sarah would not willingly speak to Amanda over the comm-link, perhaps he could assist his wife in getting them in contact once more. He did not know how he would accomplish this- after all, he was not even acquainted with Sarah- but he knew he must try. It would please Amanda greatly to speak to her sister again. Sarah was her only family...it was only logical that they be reunited.

It was a small way to repay her for his not confiding in her...but it was a beginning.

He had never been on the San Francisco State campus before. He had to consult a dormitory map to locate the appropriate hall- Amanda had once mentioned that Sarah stayed in Bell Hall. He found it, and made his way in that direction.

He drew many stares as he walked past the students. Not only was he the lone Vulcan on campus- but many probably recognized him for who he was. He lengthened his stride in an attempt to reach his destination sooner- he did not want to garner too much attention...

He found Bell Hall, and entered the small common room. It was full of chattering young adults lounging on sofas- most of whom were human, but there were a few non-Terrans as well. Many of the females stood to get a better view of him as he passed them, looking around for the face he had seen in Amanda's holographs.

Sarek did not see Sarah among these students, so he turned to an Orion female leaning against a counter that held a replicator.

"I am searching for Sarah Grayson," he said. "Does she live in this building?"

"Yeah, she's upstairs. Room 22A," the Orion said, and then smiled seductively- reaching out to trail a finger from his chest down to his stomach. "But you know, my dorm's closer."

"If you were unaware, I will inform you now- Orion pheromones do not affect Vulcans," he said stonily. "Thank you for your assistance, madam."

He caught sight of her disappointed expression as he turned away and headed toward the rickety wooden staircase that led to the upper levels...the building must have been ancient, and he half-expected to fall through the creaking steps as he ascended. Halfway up, he nearly ran into a woman about Amanda's age.

"Ooh, watch it, hot stuff!" she said as she eyed him up and down. She then grinned at him, and winked before continuing on her way.

"What strange behavior," he muttered as he continued on his way- grateful that Amanda was not nearly as illogical as these young women appeared to be. He had not expressed any sort of interest in them, and yet they seemed to be interested in _him_. The thought was disturbing.

He found the correct door- and hesitated for 3.4 seconds before knocking. The structure was so archaic, the doors were not even equipped with buzzers.

"Damian, you're almost twenty minutes early!" He heard an aggravated voice say on the other side of the door before it was wrenched open. "I'm not even ready-"

Sarah stopped short, staring at him. She then looked up and down the hallway to check that it was deserted- and pulled him inside by the arm.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, coming to my door like that?" she snapped, shutting the door.

"We have not met, but I am-"

"I _know_ who you are," Sarah said, rolling her eyes. "What I don't know is why you're _here_."

"I would think that would be obvious," he replied, clasping his hands behind his back.

"Well, it's not. So whatever you're here for- be quick about it. I have a date in twenty minutes," she said, going to her closet and pulling out a pair of shoes.

"You are still refusing Amanda's calls," Sarek stated. She snorted, and turned to him with her hands on her hips.

"So she sent a professional emissary to intervene?" she asked.

"Amanda did not send me. She is not even aware that I am here," Sarek replied slowly.

"Oh, so you thought you'd impress her by getting me to talk to her again. How ignoble of you." Sarah said, sitting on her bed to pull on her shoes.

"I am not thinking of how I will benefit from this. I am here only for her sake. Amanda dislikes the growing distance between you, and from what she has told me, you were once very close," Sarek said. "I am, however, somewhat responsible for the rift, as it was my involvement with her that caused you to believe she was abandoning you- and then you reacted negatively when she told you of her intentions to leave for Vulcan."

"_Somewhat_ responsible?" Sarah repeated with a scoff.

"Yes- somewhat. I cannot take full blame, as both of you behaved unfavorably. Amanda should have told you of her intentions sooner- and you acted selfishly in demanding that she forsake her happiness for yours."

Sarah glared at him for a moment.

"You know, you're not making it very easy for me to ever like you."

"Likewise," Sarek replied, and she shot another glare at him before turning to her mirror.

"What is _that_ supposed to mean?" she asked.

"Despite the similarities in your appearances, you are very little like your sister," he said. This was true. Amanda had a temper, but unlike Sarah, she had better control over it- most of the time. And other than a few slips, which he could attribute to her young age, Amanda was very mature, whereas Sarah was petulant and selfish. He was not sure that he could tolerate Sarah very long without copious amounts of meditation.

"I'm flattered," she said sarcastically.

"This is not about you and I, Miss Grayson," Sarek said. "This is about the relationship between you and your sibling- my wife."

"Oh, so you're married, then? It was nice to be invited to the wedding, and all..." Sarah said, a hard edge to her voice.

"It would have been impossible to have you attend the ceremony," Sarek said, deciding elaboration was unnecessary. "And once again, you are attempting to avert the subject. Amanda was not given the chance to invite guests- therefore you cannot blame her. I would not normally insert myself into her private affairs, but I believe intervention is necessary in this case. As I said before- she dislikes this rift. She wishes to resume contact with you, her only remaining relative- and she has attempted to make amends, which you ignored. I am sure you have the same desire. There is no sense in postponing the reunion because you are too proud to relent."

"Well, then why didn't she come here herself?" she asked, turning away from the mirror to face him, arms folded over her chest- jaw set. For a moment, she looked startlingly like Amanda- but only for a moment. Her features were not as soft as Amanda's, her eyes too sharp.

"Amanda is still on Vulcan. Given the current situation, I thought it best that she remain there," he said. Sarah nodded once.

"Yeah, the protesters have been all over the news."

"Will you consider a reconciliation? It would put her at ease," Sarek said. Sarah chewed on her lip for a moment before responding.

"How is she?" she finally asked.

"She is well, but you could determine as much for yourself," Sarek said, relieved. He was certain he had accomplished his task. He may not be fond of Amanda's sister, but he truly did want them to be on speaking terms again. A small fight such as the one the sisters had had was an illogical reason to drift apart.

"I'll think about it," Sarah said, looking down at the floor. But there was something in her stance- shoulders slumped, head hanging- that spoke of resignation, of defeat. He knew she would call Amanda. He did not know _when_ she would, but he knew he had succeeded.

"That is as much as I can ask of you. Thank you for your time," he said, and turned to leave.

"Wait- so you're really not doing this just to get in her good books?" Sarah asked. He turned back to her.

"I am unfamiliar with that phrase, but I understand your meaning. No, I am not attempting to impress her. I am doing this for her well-being, as I have previously stated."

He did not understand why humans sometimes required him to repeat himself. Their hearing was not so impaired that they could not understand him- for he knew he spoke clearly. It was frustrating.

"Well, I'll consider it," she said.

He left, and as he was making his way back downstairs and across the common room-ignoring the stares from the giggling females that he seemed to attract- he was confident he'd done what he came for. Amanda would now have one less worry.

As he returned to the waiting hover-car, he was more optimistic than he'd been since his arrival on Earth. The proceedings were going well. He'd possibly reunited Amanda with her estranged sister, and the conference was on schedule- which meant he was likely to return to Amanda soon- and so far, no one had tried to harm him. Perhaps he had never been in any danger at all. Perhaps the protest _had_ been what the murderer meant...

Sliding onto the seat and leaning back, he decided that when he arrived home, he would contact his wife via transmission. He saw no need to speak to her using the comm-link, considering that they had the bond, but she insisted...and he did take a degree of comfort from seeing her visage. He was at ease, now...surely nothing would happen. If anything more had been planned, it would have happened already. He would not allow his alertness to wane, of course, as that would be unwise...but he was sure there was no longer any need for it.

He clung to this illogical hope until the next day...when everything came crashing down.


	45. Determination

**A/N: Thanks again to LadyFangs...and also to my readers and reviewers, you are all great, and I appreciate you all! I don't thank you guys enough. **

**So...without further ado, here is the next chapter...**

**Chapter 45: Determination**

The day passed as the ones before had. Amanda woke up- alone- and went to breakfast- still alone. She had her Vulcan lessons with T'Shan, and then her research and coursework...but somehow, none of it seemed the same.

Sarek wasn't usually home, anyway- he worked at the embassy most days- but the prospect of seeing him in the evenings had made his absence bearable. But now, knowing she would not see him at all until the conference was over, the mansion was empty without him. It just didn't _feel_ the same. Though this separation shouldn't have felt any different from his other ones, it did.

Having easy access to him through the link between their minds was pleasant, but it was a poor substitute for his physical presence. However, she knew it could be worse...when they were separated before, it had been much more unbearable. They'd only been able to talk over the comm-unit, and even then their communications were brief. She couldn't imagine being so restricted now that they were bonded. They were fortunate to be connected at all times. Other human women did not have that luxury.

The night before, he'd called her on the comm-unit. It was always a relief to see his face, and it always made her feel better to hear his voice. They'd had a comfortable conversation, and she'd sensed he wasn't as tense as before. And yet...

"You're keeping something from me," she'd accused playfully. He'd been telling her about that day's work, but she could tell he was leaving something out.

"It is nothing to be concerned about," he'd said- but unlike when he'd said this before, this pronouncement had not been accompanied by dread. Instead, he'd been..._teasing_ her?

"What is it?" she'd asked suspiciously.

"I will not repeat myself," he'd replied with what felt like _humor_ tickling at the edges of their link. "You will find out soon enough."

Amanda decided to let it go. Whatever it was, it apparently was not bad, which eased her mind enough to not be too concerned about it.

But today, all day, she'd been thinking about it- wondering what he had done that she would likely have to thank him for later. She knew he'd done _something_ for her. He was always doing things to please her, which made her feel as if she did not do enough for _him_. He would say such a feeling was illogical, and maybe it was. After all...she had endured Pon Farr for him. He likely still thought he had to make it up to her, which would explain this. But it wasn't necessary, which made her value his thoughtfulness all the more.

Now, as she readied for bed, she pondered something else he'd told her during that conversation. He was likely to return home sooner than expected- a possibility that made her more relieved than words could express. The sooner he was home, the sooner he would be out of danger...

She had caught flashes of annoyance, dread, and occasionally exasperation from him- and this had driven her to read the news for the first time in months. Usually, Sarek forwarded the articles to her that she would find to be of interest, since she no longer read the entire news editions herself...but her curiosity about the situation on Earth was rising. So, the morning after that last transmission, she read about the protests.

And was furious.

Not because Sarek had not told her- but because this all stemmed from that damned article. It was infuriating that people _still_ believed that load of bullshit. And now this Terran Purist Movement was protesting his presence on Earth- following him around, by the sounds of it. From what she knew of them, they were extremely prejudiced towards non-Terrans, especially Vulcans. There was no doubt that their actions were motivated by bias, not by political interests.

Amanda wondered if this was the danger he'd spoken of- but she somehow doubted it. Protests were not usually dangerous. Annoying, yes- but not worth worrying about. Sarek would not even be bothered by them. He was bothered by something else...but what? Was it connected to the Movement? Or was it something else entirely?

With a sigh, she climbed into bed, pulling the covers around her as she commanded the lights to turn off. Bathed in darkness, she stared up at the ceiling high above...wishing Sarek was beside her. She missed the heat of his body- even if it did make her far too warm on most nights. She missed the way he held her against him- despite the lack of logical reasoning for the action.

Rolling over onto his side of the bed, she buried her face in his pillow. Even though it had been more than a week since he slept there, it still faintly smelled like him...a clean, natural, masculine scent.

Amanda had been unable to shake the feeling that he was still in danger...but now, resting her cheek against his pillow, she let herself begin to drift peacefully into sleep, wondering what he was doing at that very moment...

* * *

_Light years away from Vulcan, it was early morning on Earth. The Purist watched as the detestable ambassador exited his hover-car. The Vulcan didn't even look around at the masses of protesters as he walked along the sidewalk, flanked by his bodyguards...__**he should be paying more attention**__, the Purist thought._

_ He had waited for this moment for a long time. When that article came out with the truth- that this Vulcan had injured a human- he had been furious, and so were his comrades. It had been bad enough when it was first revealed that the woman was involved with the abomination. It was disgusting. What would a self-respecting Terran woman see in a pointy-eared, green-blooded Vulcan? Nothing- that was the answer. This Amanda Grayson was as disgusting as he was- a traitor to her own people- but that did not redeem his actions, or the fact that he had proven to the world _what_ Vulcans really were- violent and untrustworthy. _

_ At the next Purist meeting after the article appeared, it had been stated that it was time to do something about the squatters encroaching on their planet. The Vulcans had been the first to arrive- and so they should be the first to leave. The leader of the Movement had not said **what** must be done to send them away- but the tone of his voice and the gleam in his eyes had been explanatory enough. Since then, every Purist had put forth an effort to convey their message- Vulcans are unwelcome. _

_ Since the authorities had not yet come for him, he knew that Daniel Everson hadn't told them of his plan. That was as it should be. The fool should have been more careful- then he wouldn't have been caught for helping them kill that creature in the alleyway. It would have been even more foolish for him to drag the rest of them down with him- considering it had been his own fault anyway. The murder of the first Vulcan had only been a warning, but now..._

_ What he must now do was of the utmost importance- and the now-imprisoned Everson had known that. In fact, everyone who knew of this plan knew it must be done- which included the leader of the Movement, who had organized the protests for this particular reason. It was necessary. _

_ He had volunteered for this prestigious task. It was time to end it all. It was time to end the invasion. To kill the Vulcan would be to kill the alliance. Surely even Vulcans with their precious _logic_ would not allow the death of their ambassador to stand unchallenged. At last- at long last- they, the rightful inhabitants of Earth, would be rid of the interfering demons- the tools of Satan who were so bold as to take on the devil's image as they did his bidding; spreading lies and fooling everyone into thinking they were helping when they were really taking control. No, the day of judgment that their God had spoken of was now here- and he would not be led into the darkness. He was of God's army- and he would not be ruled by the Satanists...the minions called the Vulcans..._

_ The Purist looked around him. His fellows brandished signs and yelled- such an ineffective way to show their disapproval. But this was the most the Movement could arrange without doing anything "illegal". But it was no matter...the crowd would prove to be highly useful- he could blend in with them until his time came, and their noise would mask his approach until it was too late to stop him. _

_ Unlike them, he was unafraid of the consequences of his actions. He would willingly lay his life and liberty on the line for what he believed in. They were not true believers if they would allow something so petty as the law to hinder them. It was a pity that he had been the only one to step forward and offer his services. His fellow Purists disappointed him with their lack of courage. Certainly, they all wanted to see the Vulcan dead- they were just too afraid to make it happen themselves. They were too selfish to step forward and actually do something that would make a difference._

_ Graffiti and breaking into businesses that catered to Vulcans was juvenile. He'd had no qualms about killing that Vulcan youth- and he would have no qualms about killing the ambassador, either. _

_ He turned back to watch as the four Vulcans walked past. They were halfway to the doors now...the time of salvation was nearing. His palms were sweaty as they gripped the wooden handle of the instrument that would soon bring an end to all this madness. His heart pounded and sweat beaded on his forehead- not with fear, but with excitement. This was Jihad._

_ The guards and the police should have taken notice of him. He was the only human in the mass of protesters who was not holding a sign and shouting. He stood there calmly, both hands wrapped around a pole that supported a flag._

_ It was an old flag- an antique that had been in his family for centuries. The bold red and white stripes- the patch of blue with fifty white stars...a remnant of what had been before the Federation intervened. But the flag itself was not important. What mattered was the pointed cap on top of the pole...shaped like a spearhead._

_ There was not a more perfect way for a Vulcan to die, than by this symbol of what had been lost the day Earth agreed to join the Federation- their freedom. Freedom from Vulcan tyranny and oppression. But he would save them. Just as his lord had died to absolve mankind of their sins...he too would make that sacrifice. He too, could lay down his life for his brethren...he too could be to mankind what his savior had been thousands of years before..._

_ The Purist watched closely- the ambassador's guards were looking at the crowd suspiciously, as they had done every day he'd been there to see them. They were almost at the doors...they finally looked away, facing front...it was TIME!_

_ Determination surged through him as he moved forward- breaking from the ranks of shouting protesters. The noise they made was muffled to his ears as he took his first step forward- heart beating fast, adrenaline slamming into his system. He had eyes only for his target- who walked calmly along, unaware that he would soon lie dead on the cement walkway..._

_ Gritting his teeth, jaw set- the Purist lunged, feet pounding against the pavement as he rushed forward. He saw the guards begin to turn- they'd heard his approach, even over the cacophony the crowd made- but he was ready for them. He caught sight of the ambassador's face- set in stone, unnaturally inexpressive. He did not outwardly react as he saw the man running toward him...the Purist took this lack of reaction to be an invitation to death._

_ All three guards drew their phasers- but he was already there, right in front of them. He heard them discharge their weapons- the triple jets of energy were searingly hot as they narrowly missed him- and they only missed because he ducked at the last second. _

_ When he came back up, he thrust the long pole forward- through a gap between two guards, who did not have time to react- and felt the sharp tip sink into flesh. _

_ Green blood blossomed on the dark gray tunic as he watched. Glorious triumph filled him as the ambassador staggered back- the cap had come off the pole, and was now buried deep in the Vulcan's chest. He watched the devil's eyes widen slightly as more blood poured from the wound, darkening the tunic to black..._

_ The Purist grinned as he felt one of the guards' hands on his shoulder...there was a sharp pain, and then everything went dark._

_ It had all happened in just a few seconds...and now it was all over. He had won._

* * *

Amanda gasped as her eyes flew open and she sat up, chest heaving.

"SAREK!" she cried, clutching at her chest. Pain- sharp pain- spread through her. It felt like someone had just stabbed her...she couldn't catch her breath, let alone concentrate.

Panting, she fumbled to fling back the covers, her feet finding the cool floor. "Lights!" she gasped, and they flickered on. Taking several deep breaths- her heart pounding furiously against her ribcage- she accessed the link.

_"Sarek!"_ she called in her mind. There was no response- only a rushing current of pain and shock...and perhaps a feeble attempt at acknowledgment of her, a hint of reassurance that he was trying to send her...

He was still there- but something was terribly wrong. She could feel him weakening, fading into unconsciousness. The bond was weakening as well...

Fear flooded her entire being. "_No_, please, no," she choked out. Her cheeks were wet with tears, and she was fighting to control the pain in her chest.

She didn't know what had happened, but she had a pretty good idea. Ignoring the burning pain near her heart, she stumbled out of bed. Tears slicking her face, breath catching in her throat, she rushed to the door and down the hall.

"T'Shan!" she yelled, slamming her palm repeatedly on the buzzer of the woman's door. She was shaking all over- Sarek's mind was now entirely black. He was still alive- but no longer conscious. "T'Shan! T'Shan!"

"Lady Amanda?" T'Shan almost looked startled as she opened the door. "What is it?"

"It- it's Sarek!" she said, still rubbing the spot just below her left breast where the pain radiated from. "Something's happened. We have to go!"

"My Lady, are you sure?" T'Shan asked, eyebrows drawing together.

"_Yes_, I'm sure! I felt it happen over the bond!" she said irritably. "He's alive, but-" Fresh tears welled up as she broke off, not daring to say the words aloud. "T'Shan, we have to go to Earth! Now!"

"I beg your pardon?" she said, stiffening.

"We _have_ to go. It might be awhile before we're even contacted. I _refuse_ to wait around here for news, or for the link to-" Her voice broke, and she could not continue. Her throat ached, her eyes burned from the hot tears. Fear gripped her ferociously, and she began to sob uncontrollably...

"_Osu_ Sarek did not wish you to leave Vulcan," T'Shan said, looking at her. Amanda thought her eyes were softer than usual- normally this would have astounded her, as T'Shan was even more stoic than Sarek- but she hardly cared at the moment. All she could think about was him...

"I don't _care_ what he wanted! Right now, he's not here, and he's been injured- I _have_ to go!" Amanda's eyes flashed dangerously. "And if you won't come with me, I'll go by myself! Either way, I'm _not_ staying here!" she added fiercely.

"This is not a time when you should allow emotions to govern you, Lady Amanda," T'Shan said evenly. "He would not want you to go at your own risk. It may still be dangerous there."

"I don't _care_ about my own safety right now!" Amanda snapped. "He's more important to me! Don't you _see_ that?!"

She didn't care what rationale T'Shan used. Every inch of her screamed that she _had_ to go. She _had_ to be there by his side...she couldn't bear to wait here and do nothing...that was like waiting for him to die. And _that_ was something she couldn't accept. She would _not_ accept it. She had to be there for him as he recovered, no matter what she had to do to get there...

T'Shan's voice broke through her frenzied thoughts.

"But he does. He cares about your safety very much," T'Shan said quietly- she was the exact opposite of what Amanda was at the moment. Calm, cool, and collected...whereas Amanda was scared, highly emotional, and half-mad with desperation. She knew Sarek would want her to stay, but she simply couldn't do it. Not when she could feel his pain, and was afraid for his life... She couldn't lose him, not now. Not when things were finally looking up for them... She made up her mind.

"I'm going. Either you come, or you can stay and let it rest on your conscience," Amanda said coldly, finally regaining a semblance of control as she stepped back. "I'm going to get dressed, and then I'm going to the shuttle station to reserve a ship. No matter _what_ you say. I am _going_ to be with my husband."

She turned and went back to her quarters- still shaking uncontrollably, but resolved. The tears had stopped for the time being...all she knew now was a sense of determination.

When she came out of her bedchamber fully dressed five minutes later, it was to find T'Shan waiting for her in the corridor. Amanda nodded mutely at her, and T'Shan fell in beside her. As they set off down the hallway together, neither woman said a word. There was no need to. Amanda was relieved that she would not be alone. Even though her companion was a Vulcan- and unlikely to give her emotional support- she couldn't bear to be alone right now, and she was glad for T'Shan's presence.

She still felt nothing from Sarek except pain- but even that was a good sign. It meant he was still alive...and she allowed a trickle of hope to mingle with her fear.


	46. Return to Terra

**A/N: First of all...I am so sorry for not updating in so long! Well, it hasn't really been that long, but it feels like it's been forever for me...but I've been sick (I even had to take a trip to the ER for an IV) but I'm fine now! **

**I didn't even get the chance to wish you all a Merry Christmas (Or Happy Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, etc). So although it is now well past Christmas, I will do so now. Happy holidays, everyone, and a happy new year! I hope you enjoyed the festivities. **

**So without further delay (I'm sure you've been waiting on edge for this chapter), here it is.**

**Chapter 46: Return to Terra**

Amanda watched through the single observation window as at last- at long last- her home planet came into view.

It had been a long eleven hours and fourteen minutes. It certainly hadn't helped that she'd spent most of the trip staring at the digital clock mounted above the door that led to the small cargo hold. T'Shan had bade her to sleep soon after their departure- but after Amanda merely shook her head in refusal, the Vulcan had not mentioned it again.

She could not have slept even if she wanted to...and she _didn't_ want to. Sleeping meant risking the chance that she might miss something. Sleeping meant risking that she would wake up only to find that the sharp pain in her chest was gone, and so was Sarek...

Part of her knew that if he were to die, it would have happened already...and yet, she still waited on edge at every moment, constantly fearing that the link would suddenly sever. If he were to die, what would she do? She had given up the life she'd previously led for him- she'd left behind her sister, and her future with her own people- to be with him. She'd risked her _life_ for him. She could return to her prior life, of course...but it would never be the same.

She had not cried ever since she'd finally regained control over herself at the mansion. She had come close many times- but each time, she reminded herself that the ache she felt was testament to the fact that she had nothing to cry about. Sarek was still alive. Unless that pain abruptly stopped- she would not cry again. To do otherwise would be...illogical. Sarek would not want her to cry at all, especially when there was nothing to be emotional about.

Amanda closed her eyes so she could no longer see the orb of swirling blue and white before her. Somewhere on that mass of land and water was her husband, and even if he did not know it- he needed her. She knew _she_ certainly needed _him_ at the moment- to be reassured that he would be fine. Only he could do that, and she wouldn't be convinced until she saw him with her own eyes- until she felt his hot skin underneath hers- until she kissed him. Until then, she refused to be fully convinced.

It had been difficult to find transportation- it had taken them nearly an hour, and during that time her panic had risen, despite the lack of warning through the bond that anything had changed on Sarek's end. All she knew was that she had to _hurry_- to hurry and get to him. And every second that she was delayed was another second she could have been at his side.

It had been nighttime on Vulcan, and most transports were scheduled during the day. The result was that she had to wait for the technician at the shuttle station to access the ship manifest and determine which ship was available to take them at such short notice. After an agonizingly long wait, during which Amanda paced the terminal and T'Shan stood calmly with her hands folded before her, the technician returned. His news was not good- they only had two options. One, was to wait as long as three hours for a ship to be properly readied, as most were devoid of crewmen for the night or were undergoing repairs. It would take time to warm the engines and prepare for departure.

Their second option was to take the only available transport- a small ship that catered to the poorer classes. Amanda had been more than willing to spend all the credits she had to in order to get the fastest ship available- Sarek had given her his account information shortly after their marriage and she had no qualms about using it in this instance- but that ship was currently unavailable, just like the rest of them. Unless she could wait two or three hours, she had to settle for less.

She settled for less...she felt she had no choice. She could not wait. The fact that the ship was small, dirty, and seemed about to break apart at the mere threat of warp speed did not matter. It was the only one available, as it had just returned from a trip to the Orion system and hadn't even had the chance to power down since arriving at the space dock.

T'Shan had been...less than enthusiastic, even for a Vulcan. She had even remarked upon her arrival on the ship that she did not believe this to be a wise course of action.

"The condition of the ship doesn't matter, T'Shan. If you would prefer more luxurious transportation, by all means- leave," Amanda had replied. She hadn't really wanted T'Shan to go- and she knew the Vulcan woman wouldn't abandon her- but now was not the best time to listen to her reservations on the idea of taking this ship to Earth.

"I will not do such a thing. However, if you are lost to the vacuum of space due to the poor maintenance of this substandard transport, or come to any harm at all while in my accompaniment- _Osu_ Sarek will be displeased with me. I would prefer the disintegration of the ship's hull and my resultant demise, as I would not have any wish to confront him," T'Shan said. Amanda almost- _almost_- laughed as she took her seat and buckled her safety harness. But the sound caught in her throat, and came out as a dry sob instead.

"Was that supposed to be a joke?" she'd asked, raising a hand to massage her temples as she hid her face. She was again holding back tears.

"It was not intended to be an attempt at humor." T'Shan looked straight ahead- staring at the dirty observation window and grimy metal flooring, and then at the rust beginning to creep around the bolts on the inner walls. "I do not find the idea unlikely."

The journey itself had been difficult. All those hours...the ship going at its top warp capability, and still not fast enough to suit her. Each passing second had been torture...she concentrated on the bond, still trying to reach out to him, but still receiving nothing but pain and blackness. It frightened her. Shouldn't she feel _something_ from him? Between pondering this question, and the fate of her husband- and staring at the clock- she could not do anything else throughout the duration of their journey. But the pain was a comfort...he was still there. He was still with her.

T'Shan had spent the time staring at a PADD- Amanda noted 'staring' because T'Shan certainly was not reading. Her eyes were not moving over the text on the screen. She was just as worried about Sarek as Amanda was...after all, she surely looked upon him as a son, much as he looked upon her as a mother. As far as Amanda knew, Sarek's mother had died when he was a child, and his father- who had also been an ambassador- was rarely home. Which left him in the care of servants, and explained how he had grown so close to T'Shan and why he relied on her. While it was true that they remained in their respective stations as master and servant, it was undeniable that there was a closeness between them.

"Lady Amanda?" T'Shan asked as there was a slight jolt, and Amanda's eyes snapped open. "We have connected to the space dock," she explained.

Amanda nodded and moved to unbuckle her harness. They were close...soon, she would be beside Sarek, where she belonged. She was both relieved and anxious...eleven hours, and the pain still burned. That was a good sign. And yet...still the darkness. Despite the fact that she knew he was alive, she knew something else was wrong...

They had not bothered to pack a bag- they both had clothing at Sarek's Terran residence, and packing would have only been another delay. So they went past the cargo hold and straight to the hatchway that now opened with a hiss onto the airlock corridor of the space dock. They had been the only passengers aboard- something they had both been grateful for, but had to pay extra to obtain- and so they were alone as they walked along the corridor toward the door at the far end.

"From here, we will go to the facility's transporter room, where we will beam down to the San Francisco transport station. From there, we will go to the healthcare institution," T'Shan said as the door opened and they entered a busier corridor. Maintenance workers and ship crewmen hurried along to their separate designations, hardly sparing the two women a glance as they rushed by.

Amanda followed T'Shan down the corridor, into the station's transporter room. As she stood on the platform and T'Shan gave the technician at the console the correct coordinates, she clenched and unclenched her hands at her sides. In just a few seconds, she would be on the surface...and that much closer to her husband. She thought the burn in her chest may have lessened some in the last few hours or so...but she was not sure if that was a good thing, or a bad thing. She desperately hoped for the former.

White transporter light engulfed her- the energy crawling over her skin like thousands of ants. When she was next aware of her surroundings, the light was fading away and her whole body still seemed to tingle. She blinked several times to accustom her eyes from the bright lighting of the transporter room to the dim lighting of the San Francisco station.

It was empty, and through the windows Amanda spotted the familiar yellow lighting of street lights. It had been nighttime on Vulcan when she left- and now it was nighttime on Earth when she arrived.

"I have already contacted _osu_ Sarek's domicile. Someone should be waiting for us outside," T'Shan said. Amanda was suddenly much more grateful toward T'Shan than ever before- she hadn't been thinking straight, and hadn't even considered these details.

"I'm such a mess," Amanda said, rubbing her forehead as she followed the Vulcan outside. "I should have known to plan ahead better than this."

"You have not sufficiently rested. It is understandable that you operate at a less-than exemplary level," T'Shan replied. She headed straight toward the waiting hover-car that was very familiar to Amanda. "Please wait here," T'Shan added as Amanda stepped forward to follow her. She then leaned over to speak to the driver in hushed tones.

Puzzled, but deciding it was best to obey- despite the fact that T'Shan was the servant, not she- Amanda folded her arms around herself, shivering slightly in the cool air. She caught sight of the temperature gauge over the entrance to the station...seventy-five degrees. She must have grown more accustomed to the heat of Vulcan than she'd realized, because it felt much cooler than that.

She glanced back at T'Shan, who was still speaking to the driver. She was beginning to grow impatient...they didn't have _time_ for this, damn it! She was so close- _so_ close! Only miles- _minutes_- away from Sarek! What was T'Shan doing that was so much more important than that?

Amanda was on the verge of stepping off the sidewalk and demanding an explanation when T'Shan straightened and opened the car door, gesturing for Amanda to climb in. She did so- finding the interior of the hover-car to be pleasantly warm.

"What was that about?" she asked in irritation.

"I had to ascertain that it was safe for you to go to the hospital," T'Shan said, facing forward. "It would not do for you to be picked up by someone who was not who they claimed to be."

"Are you suggesting that the _driver_ could have been my assassin?" she snorted. "T'Shan, an assassin would have no reason to kill _me_."

"As far as you know, my Lady," T'Shan said quietly. "We still do not know the circumstances surrounding _osu_ Sarek's injury, nor the motivations behind it. You could possibly be a secondary target, and he would want me to ensure your safety at every opportunity."

Despite the obvious reason of wanting to ascertain Sarek's health for herself, Amanda knew that T'Shan had also come with her because she knew Sarek would want Amanda to be protected- and that was precisely what she was doing. The fact that she had come, endeared the austere Vulcan woman all the more to the human. Her support- whether it was out of duty or something else- comforted Amanda and deepened their budding friendship. As she faced toward the front of the vehicle, all irritation vanished. T'Shan was only following what she thought was the correct course of action- even if it did waste a few precious minutes.

By the time they pulled up to the hospital, Amanda was anxious to get out of the hover-car- to get inside. She could almost _sense_ Sarek's nearness...like part of her knew how close he was. No sooner had the car cruised to a stop than she was forcing the door open and climbing out- it was as if that section of her mind that was connected to Sarek's was pulling her inexorably toward him, and she had no control over her motor functions.

Once she stood on the pavement, she stopped in her tracks. She had not expected this...but she should have. She had been too caught up in her own worries to bother with thoughts of the media.

Reporters waited in front of the entrance- presumably for a statement on the Vulcan ambassador's condition. Some lounged on benches, some stood talking to other reporters from competing news networks. She had time to wonder if she could get by them unnoticed before that hope was shattered.

"Is that Amanda Grayson?" she heard a murmur from a nearby man. With that, their previous comfortable perches were abandoned and they surrounded her- just like so many times before. It was a familiar scenario, except before they had been attempting to probe into her relationship with Sarek- now, they were probing in what was a much more tender spot for her.

"Have you heard any news about the ambassador's condition?"

"Why did it take you so long to get here?"

"Have you spoken to the police about the assassination attempt?"

Amanda took a deep breath, keeping her eyes lowered as she made her way past them. This was the last thing she needed after an emotion-filled eleven hours. How dare they ask her these questions? Did they have no respect for the fact that her husband was gravely injured? For all they knew, he could be dead- and then it would have been downright inhumane to ask questions such as _why had she taken so long to get there_...she had gotten there as fast as possible! It was as if they were suggesting she did not care what happened to Sarek...the thought angered her, and it took a liberal dose of the centering techniques Sarek had taught her to get her through without turning around and giving them a piece of her mind.

Amanda felt a strong hand close around her upper arm- T'Shan was walking ahead of her, leading her through the crowd, who continued to bombard them with questions while taking pictures. All she wanted was for it to be over, to be inside with Sarek- the same thoughts that had been circulating in her tired, emotionally-wrung brain for hours on end.

They finally reached the doors and entered the lobby. Amanda immediately broke away from T'Shan and headed toward a nurse sitting behind the check-in desk, reading from a PADD.

"What room is Ambassador Sarek in?" she asked.

"No one is allowed to see him. You'll have to camp outside like the rest of the reporters," the nurse said in a bored tone, using her stylus to go to the next page of her e-book.

"I'm not a reporter, I'm his _wife_," she snapped. The nurse finally glanced up, and then did a double-take.

"Oh! I recognize you from the news...I'm sorry. But...well, I can't let you up there," she said apologetically.

"_What_?" Amanda hissed, eyes flashing. She felt the last of her emotional control slipping away. She had come all this way on a junk transport ship, had been heckled by reporters, and had endured _hours_ of emotional distress, only to be barred from seeing Sarek by this _bitch_? Her hands balled up into fists, and she prepared to let out her frustrations- no matter how immature and improper of a Vulcan diplomat's wife it would be to do so.

She was answered by a man's voice coming from a door that had just slid open to her right.

"Visiting hours are over," he said. She knew he was a doctor from the small silver caduceus pin on his collar.

"And you are?" she asked, folding her arms over her chest.

"I'm Dr. Robinson. The ambassador's doctor," he explained.

"Well, let me tell you something, Dr. Robinson," Amanda said, lowering her arms to her sides and approaching the doctor until she stood so close she could feel his breath against her face as he looked down at her, and she glared right into his eyes. "I don't give a _shit_ about your visitation hours. You _will_ let me in to see my husband. Even if I have to go _through_ you, do you understand? If you do not step aside right now, my knee and your groin are going to become acquaintances."

He started to laugh, as if he thought she were joking...but it died away when she continued to give him a steely glare. He cleared his throat and looked at her, as if trying to gauge whether or not she was being serious. He seemed to decide not to take the risk.

"Come this way, Mrs...uh..."

"Mrs. Grayson," she said, her anger evaporating as she stepped back, satisfied.

"What about her?" he asked, nodding at T'Shan, who watched the proceedings without a flicker of interest evident on her face. Amanda looked at her before turning back to the doctor.

"She's family," she said, her tone telling him not to inquire further. T'Shan opened her mouth, as if to correct this statement, but Amanda shook her head violently as the doctor led them through the door into a triage ward, which was empty except for a few patients being examined by nurses. He led them toward a lift on the other side, and once the door slid closed behind them he began his briefing.

"He was brought in well over eleven hours ago, with a severe puncture wound to the chest. If he were human- and had human anatomy- he wouldn't have lived for more than a few seconds, because the wound is right where a human heart would be. As it is, he had massive amounts of both internal and external bleeding and damage, and it took three hours to repair what we could. Now...there's still quite a lot of damage that we couldn't repair. He's in stable condition at the moment, but he has a long way to go until he's recovered. The puzzling thing is that he hasn't woken up. We can't figure out why...he lost a lot of blood, but he should still be awake by now."

Amanda listened mutely, arms crossed over her chest and brow furrowed as she stared down at the floor. So the physicians couldn't explain his unconsciousness, either...what in the world was going on? Fear began to creep back in...suppose it had been too soon to convince herself he would be alright? What if she was wrong? She didn't know if she could handle that...

The lift doors slid open, and Dr. Robinson led them down the corridor. At the very end was a closed door, guarded by Sarek's three so-called bodyguards. When they approached, the Vulcans stepped aside. Dr. Robinson swiped a security card through the card reader, and the door slid open.

"I'll leave you to it, and I'll come back in an hour or two to check up," he said, standing back to let them in. Amanda entered first, T'Shan close behind.

As the door slid closed behind them, Amanda paused, staring at the scene before her- taking it in, adjusting herself to the sight as her fists clenched at her sides.

He lay on a bed against the right wall. He was pale...far paler than she had ever seen him, his skin almost transparent. The monitor above his bed showed that his readings were low for a Vulcan...but stable. His chest was bare, bandages wrapped around his torso. If it were not for the steady rising and falling of his chest, he would look...dead.

Amanda bit her lip, tears gathering in her eyes. This time, she did not bother to check them. She let them fall freely, dampening her cheeks, glistening in her eyelashes. She suddenly found it very hard to breathe, and moved forward to go to him, sitting on the edge of his bed and taking his right hand into both of hers.

"Sarek?" she whispered, her lips brushing against his knuckles as she lifted his hand to her mouth to kiss it. "Can you hear me?"

There was nothing- his eyes remained closed, and did not even flutter. There was no recognition over the bond...still only darkness. She didn't know what she had expected, but she was disappointed, and she brought his hand up to her cheek.

"He can hear you," T'Shan said, seating herself in a chair on the opposite side of the room. She seemed to not have even noticed the fact that Amanda was holding Sarek's hand. "But he cannot respond, telepathically or otherwise."

"Why not?" Amanda asked, not lifting her gaze from his pale face. His skin was cooler than usual- still warmer than hers, but just barely. She closed her eyes as she pressed another kiss against his palm.

"He is in a self-induced comatose state. It is a physiological advantage Vulcans have," T'Shan said. "I would not expect the human physician to know of it. _Osu_ Sarek is redirecting his energy reserves toward the healing of his wounds. Until he decides they are sufficiently mended, he will not respond- but he is aware."

"You're sure about this? That it's nothing else?" Amanda asked, abandoning his hand only long enough to draw a chair to his bedside before taking it into hers again.

"I am sure," she replied. "It is the only explanation."

"Is there any way to know when he'll awaken?" Amanda asked, reaching over to smooth down his blankets, letting her hand rest longer than necessary on his cheek before drawing away.

"No, there is not, Lady Amanda," T'Shan replied grimly. "It could be hours, or days- or even ten seconds from now. Only he knows, and there is no way to know his thoughts when he is that deep within himself, unless it is through a meld. I would not perform a meld on him without his express permission. The only being who has that unspoken permission is you- and you cannot perform a meld."

That was one of the very few moments in which Amanda wished she were Vulcan. Normally, she valued her humanism beyond anything, despite who her husband was and who she must appear to be to the public- but right now, she wished she knew how much longer it would be before she saw those dark eyes open, and heard his voice again...she had waited nearly twelve hours to see him, and now she must wait longer for him to recognize her- and she now knew that that was what she needed to be reassured.

But at least she knew he could hear her...she leaned closer to him, her lips almost touching the curved shell of one ear as she whispered so low that even T'Shan with her superior hearing would be unable to comprehend.

"I know you hear me...so I just want to say that I'm here, Sarek. Please don't worry me much longer. But I'll be here when you wake up, I promise- no matter how illogical you think it is. I love you," she then kissed his cheek, before quickly glancing up to ensure that T'Shan had not seen. The Vulcan appeared to be studying the tiled flooring rather harder than what was necessary, which made Amanda wonder...but she decided not to worry about it as she settled back into her chair.

Time passed slowly...the numbers on the clock over the doorway changed at an excruciating pace. Dr. Robinson came in once to check Sarek's vitals, but did not say anything to either woman before leaving again. Perhaps Amanda's earlier threat had staved him off from warning them again about hospital visitation hours.

Eventually, Amanda could not keep her eyes open any longer. She had been awake for well over twenty-four hours now, and found herself nodding off in her chair. She shifted so that her arms rested on the bed and she pillowed her head on them, slipping back into sleep- knowing that her back and neck would kill her for sleeping in that position when she woke up, but not caring at the moment.

She wasn't sure how long she had been asleep...but she was awakened by a sudden burst of emotion that was not her own.

She straightened immediately in her chair- the portion of her mind that had formerly been full of darkness was now a tangle of emotion- fear, determination, _desperation_.

Sarek's eyes flew open, and he uttered one word- his voice deep, full of the same desperation that consumed him- but she sensed that something was wrong. He needed her...

"_Amanda_!"

**A/N: I'm sure that those of you who are familiar with TOS know what is going on.**


	47. Awakening

**A/N: First of all, I want to thank all of my well-wishers! You guys are so sweet :) I'm much, much better now, and was well in time to enjoy the holidays.**

**As for what's going on...Spock went through the same thing in TOS, and Nurse Chapel had to help him out of it...so this process IS canon, just to let you know :)**

**Chapter 47: Awakening**

"_Amanda!_"

His voice was rough, his breathing suddenly labored. Shocked and scared, Amanda froze, not knowing what to do- something was very, very wrong. She could feel him struggling- struggling to remain conscious. He was fighting against the black tide threatening to consume him...

"Amanda- strike me!" he said, the hand she still held in hers clenching- tightening around hers until it hurt.

"_What_?" she asked incredulously. His hand tightened further.

"Do it!" he hissed.

She had to be imagining this. Was Sarek telling her to _hit_ him?

"Sarek, I-"

"If you want him to live, do it!" came T'Shan's voice. The woman had stood from her chair and was now standing at the foot of the bed, watching as Sarek's eyes began to slip closed. "Now! Do as he says before he slips under and cannot return!"

Amanda turned back to him- confused, and highly reluctant to hurt him- but he'd told her to...she had no idea what was going on, but she could sense him losing consciousness once more...if this helped, she had to do it.

Wincing, she raised a hand and brought it down against the side of his face- a sharp _smack_ resounded in the room, but it barely jolted him. His eyes fluttered open, but then closed again.

Biting her lips as tears filled her eyes, Amanda repeated the action- this time striking him harder. He gasped, and she could feel him slowly returning- he was fighting the wave of darkness. She raised her hand once more and brought it down again and again- a dry sob coming from her as she did so.

Unable to believe what she was doing, she squeezed her eyes shut- praying that this would work, that this was what he needed- until suddenly, a strong hand closed around her wrist as her arm swung downward once more. She opened her streaming eyes- and saw two black ones looking back at her.

"I am sufficiently awake now," he said calmly. Amanda choked, her chest heaving, and then collapsed against him.

"What the _hell_ was that about?" she asked, burying her face in his neck. She felt his hand resting on her back of her head. He did not reply right away- instead he spoke to T'Shan, who Amanda had completely forgotten about.

"Wait outside, T'Shan," he said quietly. She did not reply, but Amanda heard the door slide open and closed. Then he addressed her. "I was in a self-induced state of healing. Such a trance is extremely difficult to come out of, and forceful awakening is required. If you had not done as I instructed, I would have slipped back into unconsciousness, and been unable come out of it. I would have died."

"Do you have _any_ idea how hard it was for me to do that?" she asked harshly, drawing away to look at him. A faint green imprint of her hand was forming on his cheek, and she leaned forward to kiss it gently, her tears falling against his face as she continued to cry silently, moving to kiss his lips roughly. "Don't you _ever_ scare me like that again," she whispered, and continued to kiss him, hard.

"Amanda..." he said in between her heated kisses. She shook her head- wordlessly telling him not to speak as she resumed her actions- her lips conveying the fear, anxiety, desperation, and love she'd felt for the last innumerable hours. "Amanda, please desist," he tried again. When she still did not listen, he gently pushed her away.

"What?" she asked, stilling her movements. He was looking at her sternly, eyebrows drawn together.

"You should not have come," he said, his voice low and laced with the disapproval she now felt over the link. "I did not tell you what was occurring on Earth because I wanted you to stay on Vulcan. I told you to stay. You disobeyed me when I was only trying to ensure your safety. You have risked more than you realize by coming here."

"Don't you _dare_ be mad at me for caring about you!" Amanda said angrily, drawing away from him and standing- arms crossed over her chest. "Do you have any _idea_ what it was like- being almost asleep one moment, and the next _feeling_ you get stabbed? I was scared, Sarek! There was nothing you could say to keep me away when I knew you were hurt!"

"While the sentiment is appreciated, your absence would not have changed my recovery rate in any way. If you had not been here, someone else would have taken your place in awakening me. You have come for no reason," he said coolly.

Suddenly, Amanda wished she had a good reason to slap him again. She had _not_ come all this way to listen to him lecture her- to tell her just how unwanted she was. She had half a mind to leave- and in fact started to turn toward the door.

"Amanda-" he reached out to catch her arm, preventing her from taking another step. She shook his hand off as she turned back to him- eyes blazing.

"I came all the way here for _you_. And for _me_, too, Sarek. I couldn't possibly have just _sat_ there waiting for news! I _had_ to see you! And I don't appreciate you lecturing me after I just spent _hours_ worrying about you! You have no idea what I've been through!"

"Amanda, I-" he started, but she waved her arm at him.

"No! I was scared to death, Sarek! I'm exhausted, I'm emotionally worn out, and now you have the _nerve_ to be mad at me for worrying about you and loving you enough to risk myself to be at your side?!"

"Please be more quiet," Sarek said, glancing at the door.

"Fuck that!" she snapped. "I am _not_ going to be quiet when you're going to accuse me of doing the wrong thing by coming here, because I know I did the _right_ thing, no matter what you say!"

Sarek sighed and reached out to take her hands, and she reluctantly allowed him to guide her, sitting back down on the edge of the bed- but then she crossed her arms again and she was still facing away from him.

"I am not saying that your presence is unwanted," he said. "But I took steps to secure your safety, Amanda. I was well aware that something like this might occur. I did not wish you come to me if anything did happen."

"Well, it's a bit late now, isn't it?" she snapped. "I'm here, and I'm not going back to Vulcan."

Warm arms encircled her waist, pulling her down beside him...and she finally softened, the tension leaving her muscles and her hands covering his where they rested on her stomach.

"It is too late, that is true," he said, and she felt his hot breath against the back of her neck. "I only wanted to convey to you that I disapprove of your disobeying my wishes."

"You proved your point," she said darkly. He lifted a hand to stroke her cheek with two fingers, wiping away the remnants of her tears.

"Thank you for coming, as ill-conceived as the notion was," he said. She turned over, careful not to jostle him as she nestled against his side. She still felt his pain, and as he moved to accommodate her on the small bed, she winced.

"You feel it," he observed.

"That's what kept me sane these last hours," she confessed, resting her cheek against his shoulder. "Feeling your pain let me know that you were still alive. I really was scared, Sarek..." her voice broke.

"It is fortunate that the assassin does not appear to be knowledgeable about Vulcan anatomy," Sarek said. "While my injuries were severe, they were not life-threatening once treated by a surgeon and by my own intense meditative state."

"What happened?" she asked softly, looking up at him. She had been so absorbed by her concern for his life, she had not even stopped to wonder how this had happened, and whether or not the person responsible had been apprehended...but now, she wanted to know.

"I was on my way to the day's meeting, when one of the protesters charged forward. He impaled me upon a pole supporting a flag," he said, somewhat dryly. "An unusual and primitive weapon- but highly effective, I must admit."

"And where were your so-called guards?" she scoffed.

"They were caught by surprise, as was I."

"Then they sure didn't do their job," she muttered.

"They did administer a nerve pinch. As far as I can assume, he is in custody. Other than that, you know as much as I do. I do not know who he is or what his motivations were, although we can certainly speculate."

He began to thread his fingers through her hair, and when she looked up again, his eyes were closed. Across the link, she felt only peace. He was content with her there beside him. She closed her eyes too, and sighed.

"Sarek, I'm sorry for yelling. And for slapping you, even if it _was_ necessary."

"Your emotional outburst is understandable. But as even you admit that it was necessary to strike me, I fail to understand why you are apologizing."

"I didn't like doing it," she said, raising her hand to rub his cheek, which she knew still stung.

"I am aware of that fact. I admit, I did not particularly enjoy it myself," he said. She smiled, and moved up so she could kiss him.

"So you're not going to make me leave Earth?" she asked.

"As you are already here, it would be logical for you to stay until my departure, which would be safer," he replied. She smiled, tracing his lips with a finger before kissing him again and settling at his side once more.

They did not speak for several minutes, and during that time Sarek fed her a stream of warm, peaceful emotions over their bond. When he did speak again, it was of a different subject.

"You are experiencing discomfort in the cervical and lumbar regions of your vertebral column."

"Oh, I love it when you sweet-talk me," she said with a grin. At the moment, it was easy to forget that they were in a hospital- that someone wanted Sarek dead, and just hours previously she had feared for his life...

He did not respond. Instead, he placed one hand on the back of her neck, rubbing in small circles over the sore spots that had sprung up from sleeping the way she had. His other hand crept under her shirt- nimble fingers kneading her lower back. She sighed in contentment as the aches began to melt away.

"You're the one in the hospital and you're more worried about me," she mumbled, unsure if the strangled sound that came from her as she said this was a laugh or a dry sob.

"You have not slept," he said softly.

"Not true. I slept a while..."

"Not enough, and seemingly not in a comfortable location," he said, withdrawing his hand from her back and cupping her cheek, forcing her to look up at him. "Go to our residence. I am sure the driver is waiting outside for you. I insist that you sleep before returning. As you can see, I am well. I will continue to be well until you return. I will know if you do not sleep and eat properly. You must not allow my condition to affect your health, Amanda."

"Sometimes you're more like a parent than a husband," she teased, kissing him lightly. "Always fussing over me."

"I do not 'fuss'," he said. "I am only concerned that you are forsaking proper rest and intake of nutrition."

"Can't I just sleep here?" she asked. "It's a little cramped, but..."

"No. I must contact the High Council, as well as the Terran ambassadors. This occurrence will generate much work to be done on my part, and I cannot delay it. You will rest better there," he said firmly.

"You've only just woken up from a near-death experience, and the first thing you think about is _work_?" she asked, eyebrows rising.

"It cannot wait, and as I am well enough to work, there is no reason not to," he said. He looked at her for a moment, before continuing in a lower voice. "You should go now. Instruct T'Shan to come in...I must speak with her. She will join you shortly in the hover-car. Also...take one of the guards with you as a precaution."

Amanda sighed as she sat up.

"All right. Fine. But I'll be back in the morning, I guarantee it, Sarek."

"As long as you have rested and eaten," he said. She slid off the bed and stood, looking down at him.

"I'm just glad you're all right," she said quietly, and then leaned over to kiss him one last time. She let her lips linger against his for several long seconds before finally pulling away and heading for the door. She could feel his eyes on her as she paused in the doorway, tapping the button that made the door open.

T'Shan and the other Vulcans were waiting there, and she vaguely wondered how much they'd heard...but didn't really care. She nodded at T'Shan as she passed.

"He wants to talk to you. I'm going down to the hover-car," she said. And, bracing herself for the reporters who were undoubtedly still waiting outside, she gestured to one of the guards, who fell in beside her as they walked down the corridor.

* * *

Sarek sat up straighter on the bed as T'Shan entered and closed the door. He watched as she turned and slowly came to stand at the foot of his bed, just outside the sphere of light cast by the single lit overhead lamp. The rest of the hospital room was thrown into shadow, as were T'Shan's features.

"I told you quite clearly on the day I left, to ensure that she not leave Vulcan- no matter what," Sarek said coldly. He should not have taken this disapproval out on Amanda first- he'd sensed over the bond how exhausted and strained she was. And she had not even been the main recipient of his anger...truth be told, he had fully expected her to attempt to come to him if anything happened, despite his warnings and expressed desire for her to stay away. That was why he had relied on T'Shan to prevent such actions...and she had failed. For the first time in Sarek's life, T'Shan had failed to follow through with his orders.

"I am aware of the orders you gave me," T'Shan said, her shoulders stiffening as she stood taller. "And I did try to heed them."

"If you had tried, you would have succeeded- as you always do," Sarek countered. "As Amanda is now on Earth, I can deduce that you did not try."

"You do not know what state she was in, Sarek," T'Shan said in a low voice. "She was...distraught. She shed water from her eyes. She insisted on going. She said she would go whether I came with her or not. Would you have preferred that I step aside and let her come alone?"

"You should not have stepped aside at all!" Sarek's hand balled into a fist where it rested against his thigh. "She should not be here, T'Shan! Do you not see where I lay? Do you not understand why I am here? I am here because an organization desires my death. If they learn that Amanda is here, they could very possibly decide that she is a target as well. This is precisely what I was trying to avoid!"

He was furious, but he blocked it from Amanda- she did not need to know of the conversation taking place. This was not entirely her fault- humans were well-known for acting on their emotions. He would have expected nothing less of her. But T'Shan...she knew better. She knew his motivations for keeping his wife on Vulcan- how important it was to him.

"You have endangered her life. She may not have come to harm on the way here, but she is in danger every second that she is on Earth, especially once her presence is made public knowledge, as is inevitable. You have never disappointed me as much as you have tonight, T'Shan. I would never have expected you, of all Vulcans, to be easily swayed by an emotional display. You should not have allowed her tears and insistence to persuade you. You should have stopped her at all costs- even if a nerve pinch was in order. Instead, you let her have her way. If you had not been a longtime servant of my family, and not considered family by me- I would dismiss you."

T'Shan did not react. Her face was still cast in shadow, and although her posture was rigid there was no other sign that she even heard him- but he knew she did, and he knew his words cut her deeply. He felt a twinge of regret...but only a twinge. She had disobeyed him, in a far worse way than Amanda had. If she were any other servant, she would be gone already, and she knew that it was only his leniency and affection for her that kept her standing where she was.

"I understand," she said finally, bowing her head. "However, you must keep in mind the persuasive powers of your wife. Even I am not immune to them...and neither are you. I could not keep her from her wishes when it was so clear how much she needed to see you. It was not a desire, Sarek. It was a need. I do not think even a nerve pinch would have contained her for long."

Sarek nodded once, and looked down at the bandage covering his chest.

"I am not saying that you are the only one to blame, T'Shan. She is guilty as well. But you were charged with her protection...she has not yet been harmed, which I must thank you for. But now that she is on Earth, I will..." he paused. He had been on the verge of an emotional confession. "I will have to take extra precautions for her safety," he finished.

"Perhaps I was not thinking clearly when I made my decision to allow her to go. It was careless. If you were to dismiss me, I would fully understand and accept it. You cannot afford a servant who puts your wife at risk," she said slowly.

"I have already said I will not do so...but consider it a warning," Sarek said. "Go, T'Shan. Amanda is waiting. Ensure that she sleeps the recommended length of time for humans and consumes nourishment. She has a habit of neglecting herself when concerned for others."

"I will do so," T'Shan said quietly, and then turned to leave.

He was still disappointed with her...but he knew that over time, he would forgive her. Unless something happened to Amanda...

As T'Shan left him alone, he leaned his head back against the pillows. He recalled when he'd awoken to find Amanda beside him...at the time, he had been struggling against his own mind, trying to maintain consciousness- he had no thought other than that he must get her to assist him. But once his mind had cleared...he had been afraid. She was not supposed to be there. The fact that she _was_, frightened him. What if something happened to her while she was on Earth? She could not be at his side at all times...even now, a strange, sick feeling overtook him at the thought of her being hurt in the way he had. But if she _had_ been hurt in that way...she could not have survived.

He felt a fresh wave of anger, but was unsure who it was directed at- T'Shan, Amanda, the assassin...or himself. Perhaps he should have been more honest about the situation from the very beginning with Amanda...given her his reasons for wanting her to stay on Vulcan, warned her of just what danger he was in so she would be prepared. Perhaps then she would not have come, and T'Shan would not have disappointed him by allowing it...

Even if he tried, he could not be angry at Amanda. He knew she had only been concerned about him- "worried sick" as she sometimes described it. He'd already admitted to himself that he'd known what her reaction would be to his being injured. He could even admit that part of him was relieved that she'd been at his side- that her face had been the first he saw upon waking. That it was her whisper in his ear that had first begun to pull him from the depths of his deep meditative trance...

_"I know you hear me...so I just want to say that I'm here, Sarek. Please don't worry me __much longer. But I'll be here when you wake up, I promise- no matter how illogical you think it is. I love you."_

Her voice...always so soothing, and accompanied by her cool lips against his cheek. That had been what motivated him to awaken. He remembered both clearly.

No...he did not truly regret her presence, even though he should- even though he still feared for her. She was a comfort to him, and he regretted upsetting her. She could not be blamed for being human and worrying. But he worried for her, too...

She should not have been put through the emotional torment she had endured for him. As he felt the ache in his chest, he decided he would ensure that his attacker received proper justice...if not for him, for _her_. Let it be a warning: no one threatened him or his own.


	48. Vindication

**A/N: Sorry it took so long to get this one up...thanks to LadyFangs once again for her assistance, and also thanks to my wonderful readers :)**

**Chapter 48: Vindication**

Amanda glanced over at T'Shan. The Vulcan had spoken very little since her discussion with Sarek the night before. Although she knew it wasn't her place to pry, she wondered what had been said- and whether or not it was about her. She was beginning to suspicion that it had been...why else would T'Shan suddenly be silent around her? Normally she spoke at least some...but today, hardly a word.

She doubted T'Shan would divulge the details even if she _did_ ask.

Yesterday she'd been too tired to even wonder about it- simply going home and straight to bed in a sleepy haze. The rest had definitely been needed, as she had not woken up until well into the afternoon. After a quick lunch- which T'Shan insisted that she eat and watched to make sure she did so- they were now on their way back to the hospital.

Amanda leaned back, resting her head on the back of the seat and watching unseeingly as the hover-car sped through the city. She'd felt nothing from Sarek all day- and she realized, with a pang of sadness, that he had closed the link completely. It was the first time since she'd asked him to keep it open that it had been closed, and she felt strangely alone without his presence buzzing in her mind.

She wondered why he had chosen now- of all times- to close it. If he was concerned that something might happen to her, why close the link so he would not know unless she reached out to him- when it might be too late? It made no sense...

Was it possible that he was still angry with her for coming, and didn't want her to feel it? She'd thought he was over that...he hadn't mentioned it again after first telling her of his disapproval, and he hadn't _seemed_ angry...but then again, Sarek was Vulcan. He was very good at concealing his emotions from her- and from himself too, for that matter.

She didn't _like_ the fact that he was displeased with her decision- but she would never regret coming. She couldn't. She knew she'd acted in the only way she could have. She couldn't imagine waiting around on Vulcan for someone to contact her, all the while feeling that burn in her chest...she wasn't _Vulcan_, for crying out loud. He shouldn't have expected her to act logically- not in this instance, and it still angered her somewhat that he'd dared reprimand her for it. It was like being punished for being human.

Amanda knew she was supposedly "in danger" even though she hadn't seen any evidence to support that fact. She had been told so by Sarek, and his warning was reinforced by the fact that she now had her own three guards- two more had joined her the night before. She really didn't think they were necessary. The protesters had disbanded, and they'd been the main threat. But even if danger _was_ present, there still was no reason for him to treat her like a child who had done something naughty.

"T'Shan..." Amanda called, unable to restrain herself any longer. If anyone knew whether or not Sarek was angry, it was T'Shan. She had spoken to him last, and her continuing silence seemed to indicate that something had been said the night before that was...unpleasant.

"Yes, Lady Amanda?" T'Shan was looking out the tinted window of the hover-car at the buildings of downtown as they blurred past. There really wasn't much to see, which told her that T'Shan wasn't paying any attention to the view.

"Did Sarek indicate to you in any way that he's...angry?" she asked. T'Shan turned her head to look at her.

"Sarek is not 'angry'. He is disappointed in the both of us."

"Why would he be disappointed in _you_? He has no need to be. It was _my_ decision to come, and I dragged you along," Amanda said, frowning.

"He has every reason to be disappointed in me," T'Shan corrected. "His orders were very clear. I was to prevent you from leaving Vulcan. I did not do so- nor did I try particularly hard, even though I knew the dangers you faced. He does have reasons for not wanting you here, my Lady. I should have heeded his orders. He cares about your safety more than you know, and after his words to me last night this fact has been made more clear to me than ever before."

"What do you mean, you had orders to prevent me from leaving? Are you saying that he told _you_ more about what was happening here than he told _me_?" Amanda asked, her voice rising slightly.

"Yes, I was aware of the activities of this Purist Movement," T'Shan replied. "He informed me that there was a possible assassination plot."

"So he _knew_ someone was going to try to kill him?" Amanda asked incredulously.

"Yes, he knew," T'Shan replied. Amanda's hands balled up into fists in her lap. He _knew_? Of course he knew, he'd told her he may be in danger before he left, and last night he had said he'd known _something_ like this might happen. She hadn't realized that danger meant possibly _dying_. And to actually _know_ there was an assassin and coming to Earth anyway- that was pure madness! Surely the meeting could have been postponed under such circumstances!

And _T'Shan_ had known what was going on even before she had...that hurt. Why couldn't he have just told her the truth from the very beginning? She would have been upset, that was true...and she probably _would've_ tried to make him stay- and with good reason, considering where he was right now. If that assassin had known where a Vulcan's heart was, Sarek would be dead- and he'd known he was taking that very risk even as he kissed her goodbye on Vulcan.

Tears stung her eyes, and she quickly looked out the window to hide them from T'Shan. Couldn't he trust her, even with something like that? Or did he think her so weak she couldn't handle it? Did he believe her to be so fragile- so pathetic- that he couldn't confide in her?

She'd thought things were improving between them. Now she knew differently. The same old issues were recurring...he was always keeping something from her. First the weak link that had connected their minds prior to their marriage...and then Pon Farr...and now this. She had not kept a _single_ thing from him throughout their entire acquaintance, and yet he'd always had secrets. And something as big as this- he should have told her, and she had given him the chance to do so. She didn't care if he'd kept it from her to protect her- in the end, he had only made things worse.

Maybe it was a good thing the bond wasn't open at the moment, because she didn't want him to experience her current negative thoughts and feelings. Despite the fact that he should have told her and she was upset about it...he was still recovering. He had enough to deal with at the moment without her adding to them. She would address these continuing issues in their marriage once he was fully recovered.

The hover-car was nearing the hospital now and looking out, Amanda saw that there was still a crowd waiting for them. With an exasperated sigh, she followed T'Shan and her three guards as they exited the vehicle and led her up the walkway.

At the sight of her three large and imposing guards, the reporters kept their distance- staying at least six feet away as the group walked toward the hospital entrance. But the questions were still thrown at her, and there was no escaping them.

"We received word that the ambassador is awake- what's the extent of his injuries? Has he mentioned the attack at all?"

"Were you with him when he awakened? How do you feel now that you know he's going to live?"

"What was it like for you after the attack, when it wasn't for certain whether or not he would live? Any comment on this situation at all?"

They were becoming increasingly personal. They were hunting for a story- maybe even waiting for her to slip so they could pounce and claim she hadn't cared what happened to her husband...but wouldn't her silence do the same? Maybe not saying anything at all would fuel their ravings. Maybe that had been the problem all along- she should have faced them long ago.

They were the last thing she needed at the moment, on top of everything else she was dealing with. And right now...she couldn't stand their questions for another second. It was just one more push, bringing her to the very edge of her already tenuous control.

In hindsight, she shouldn't have done it. She should have maintained her silence. Sarek would not be pleased when he found out...but his reaction was far from her mind as she stopped abruptly and turned to face the reporters. Something within her just...snapped.

"I _do_ have a comment to make, actually," she said icily. T'Shan, who had been walking ahead of her, stopped in her tracks and spun around.

"Lady Amanda-" she hissed, eyebrows drawing together.

"It's fine, T'Shan. This should have been done a long time ago," Amanda said calmly as reporters surged forward- all of them eager to finally get a comment from the ambassador's wife.

"This case has been deemed confidential by the embassy and the Terran authorities," T'Shan whispered, a hint of desperation in her tone. "You cannot-"

"I'm not telling them anything- not that I _do_ know anything," Amanda whispered bitterly before turning to the nearest reporter with a steely gaze. The others had their cameras rolling already, watching her intently as she began to speak.

"Yes, I have something to say. This is a hard time for me- just as it would be for you. But I sure wouldn't be waiting outside of a hospital to hound _you_ and ask _you_ personal questions about it. I wouldn't ask you to tell me how you felt when you thought your spouse might die." She glared around at them all before continuing. "This is a personal matter- and I want it to remain that way. Any information about the case that is to be released will be brought to the media's attention by the embassy itself, and you will _not_ find a story here. You are wasting your time in front of this hospital waiting for me to speak about the incident or about my husband- because I flat-out refuse to discuss my private life, or my feelings about what has happened. It should be pretty damn obvious how I feel. I feel the same way _you_ would if it were _your_ husband or wife lying in a biobed. For you to insinuate anything other than that- as I'm sure your fingers are all itching to write about how little I care about the ambassador's near-death experience- would not only be slanderous, but downright inhuman of you."

The crowd was quiet as they stared at her, the cameras still recording. There was not so much as a flutter of movement as she spoke, and her voice rose clearly through the hot afternoon air.

"You know, I find it very strange how an institution that prides itself on accuracy and integrity has stooped so low as you all have. You are partly to blame for this. Had you upheld your own set of standards this may not have happened. It is truly a sad day when the ignorance of the few outweighs the good of the many. You do the people of Earth a disservice when instead of focusing on _why_ this happened- you focus on a single person. In my open and honest opinion, you are no better that the speciesist who put my husband in that bed."

Amanda paused, once more looking around at them. They stared back silently. Her fury still pounded in her veins, but she felt a sense of...vindication.

"I have said what I wanted to say, and I will speak no further. You will get no further comment from me or from anyone else. Now I must ask you to disperse- because you're wasting your time, as well as mine."

She turned away from the silent gathering, and gestured toward T'Shan and her Vulcan guards. The woman said nothing as she fell in beside Amanda, but her lips were tightly pressed together...she was obviously disapproving of her actions.

They left the crowd behind and entered the facility. Unlike the night before, when it had been empty, the lobby was now bustling with activity. A line of visitors were signing in and affixing name tags to their shirts, but Amanda and her escort bypassed the desk and the line of chairs against the wall, which were full. Being an ambassador's wife had its perks, because although several nurses and doctors saw her they said nothing.

They made their way through the door- then along the triage ward and onto one of the waiting lifts. Once the doors slid closed, T'Shan spoke- her voice a low hiss as she leaned closer to Amanda.

"You should not have done that, my Lady," she snapped. "_Osu_ Sarek insists on maintaining public silence- especially in situations such as these! He will not be pleased when he hears of this."

"I know this, T'Shan," Amanda replied calmly, watching as the floor numbers changed on the screen. "But maybe that's the problem. Maybe there wouldn't be half as much negative publicity for him- and for us- if we occasionally issued statements. Maintaining silence may work on Vulcan, but here it only fuels speculation- and the worse the speculation, the bigger the story. Hence the negative articles springing up everywhere about us. Sarek's way of handling it is _not_ the best way, I assure you." T'Shan was silent, but Amanda could almost sense her disagreement. "Don't concern yourself with this matter- and don't say a word to him about it. I will discuss it with him myself, and if he's displeased, I will take full responsibility."

The lift doors slid open, and she stepped into the busy hallway. She led the way down to the only closed door, and swiped the security card she'd been given at the desk on her way out the night before.

Sarek was sitting up in bed, a swinging table positioned over his lap with a computer console on it. He was tapping away at the keys, eyes riveted on the screen. He did not even acknowledge her presence until she sat in the chair at his bedside, and even then he only extended his first two fingers to her. She met them, but wished he would look at her.

Through the weak link the contact created, she felt his affection for her and pleasure that she had come...yet he still did not look up.

"Sarek," she said, breaking the _ozh'esta_ as she reached over to lay a hand on his arm.

"In a moment, Amanda," he said, and she sighed as she sat back in her chair. He was acting peculiarly...he hadn't been this way the night before. He had almost been himself after he told her how disapproving he was of her decision to come...

"Sarek." This time she said it with more force. He stopped typing, and looked at her.

"What is it? I did tell you I had work to accomplish today," he said. Amanda glanced around- T'Shan had not followed her inside. She must have thought it best to wait outside until called in, for which she was grateful.

"Why did you close the link?" she demanded, crossing her arms over her chest.

"That is the only way I can block the pain of my wound from you," he explained. "I can repress it myself, but it requires a great amount of concentration. At the moment, my mental faculties are best served by concentrating on my work instead. You endured my pain long enough yesterday, and I see no need for you to endure it any longer."

"You didn't even warn me. It's been weeks since it's been closed, and you pick _now_? I can deal with the pain, Sarek. It's the emptiness I don't like."

"I did not warn you because when I made the decision, you were asleep," he said, turning back to his computer.

"Open it. If the pain is the only reason, open the link. I can handle it."

He hesitated, but then complied. When he did so, the breath was knocked out of her.

Pain _wasn't_ the only thing occupying him. He was worried...the kind of worry that claws at your insides and makes it feel like something is trying to chew its way out of your stomach. Her stomach clenched with it and she delved deeper, wondering what he was worried about...

Her. He was worried about her. She was not supposed to be here. What if something happened to her? He could not lose her...

"Sarek..." Amanda bit her lip, and sighed. She got up from her chair and sat beside him, moving the table holding the computer out of her way before taking his hand. He stared down at their hands, but said nothing. "I know you're worried. That's no reason to shut me out. You need to stop hiding your worries from me. I'm strong enough to handle them, despite what you may think."

"To worry is illogical. There is no evidence that anything threatens you," Sarek said.

"Does that matter? You've always toed the line between passion and logic."

He shot a glare at her, and she tightened her hold on his hand.

"Deny it all you want, but we both know it's true. You're logical- there's no denying that either- but you have undoubtedly made some illogical decisions in the past. Your decision to worry about me- while maybe illogical- _is_ justified, considering what happened to you."

She placed an arm across his torso, her hand resting against his side, above his heart. She could feel it rapidly beating against her palm. He placed his hand over hers.

"It was not a decision, as I did not consciously choose to be concerned," he said quietly. She did not reply, and the moment lingered on for several seconds before he again swung the table over his lap- and now over hers as well. He made room for her on the bed so they were now both sitting up with their backs against the headboard. There was little room, so their sides were pressed together as he touched the screen and showed her what he had been working on. "You should not even see this, as it is confidential information...but as you are my wife, I will include you in the small group of people allowed to have knowledge of the case. I have been working since last night on gaining information about my attacker, and ensuring that his case is handled as it should be."

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked, looking at him.

"I have notified the High Council that the would-be assassin is in custody, and I suggested an extradition."

"An extradition? But the crime occurred on Earth...and the attacker is Terran. I doubt the government will allow it." Amanda frowned, glancing through the message...it was a letter to the Terran embassy.

"That is true. But as his victim was not only Vulcan, but the Vulcan ambassador, that is justification enough for an extradition."

"How so?" Amanda asked disbelievingly.

"As I state in this message, an attack against a representative of another planet is, ostensibly, an attack against that planet itself. A crime of terror against a planet, which is what this can be termed for that reason, is grounds for extradition. It is a political crime as much as a personal one, Amanda. The Council accepts this reasoning, and has asked me to speak to the embassy about it. If I am successful, the case will be turned over to Vulcan authorities."

"And what then?" she asked.

"As the authority in charge of Vulcan and Terran affairs, I will be given control over it," he replied simply. Amanda stiffened.

"But isn't that a conflict of interest? Can the Vulcan government really give you control over a case that directly pertains to you?"

"They can."

"But that's illegal, isn't it?"

"No. You are thinking of Terran law, Amanda. Vulcan law is different. Vulcans do not allow their personal interests to influence a situation- therefore there is no 'conflict of interest'. I will be expected to handle the matter in a detached, logical manner and I will do so. The assassin will receive the punishment befitting his crime by Vulcan law."

"And what is that?" she asked slowly.

"As Vulcan does not have a death penalty," Sarek said, and she thought she detected bitterness in his tone- if not, she certainly felt it. "He will be imprisoned for life if found guilty...which he will be."

"He would get the same punishment on Earth," Amanda said, looking at him suspiciously. "There's another reason you're doing this, isn't there?"

He bowed his head. "Yes, there is." There was a pause.

"Well? Are you going to tell me what it is?" she asked impatiently. He blinked, as if coming out of a reverie.

"All suspected criminals are required by Vulcan law to submit to a mind meld- no matter their species. If they refuse, force may be used. This is why Vulcan courts are so effective. There is not a single innocent being in Vulcan prisons, and no one who is guilty and stands accused has ever escaped their punishment."

"Okay...but what does that have to do with the man who tried to kill you?" she asked slowly, growing increasingly alarmed at the implications.

"He possesses important information on the Terran Purist Movement. Who their leader is, what else they may be planning- and whether or not he acted alone in this crime. A mind meld would be an effective means of obtaining this information. My intent is to expose this organization for what it really is and put an end to it, and to the crimes its members commit. However, if he is not extradited, a meld cannot be condoned."

"And let me guess...you're going to perform the meld yourself," Amanda said flatly. He nodded once. She said nothing for a moment, as she tried to restrain herself...finally, she couldn't keep quiet any longer. "You're crazy. This guy tried to _kill_ you, and you _want_ to get inside his head?"

"Yes, I do." Sarek looked over at her. "This is not 'crazy'. If I do this, I will ensure not only my future safety- but also that of other Vulcans who visit and live on Earth. It will guarantee your safety as well- these are the people I must protect you from. There may be others, but at the moment the Purists are the prevalent threat. If I allow the Terrans to have this case, I would be allowing the Movement's madness to continue."

Amanda was silent for a moment, chewing on her bottom lip. "What makes you think you can bring them down?" she finally asked.

"There is nothing to indicate as much, as he may not have the information I require- but I will make an attempt," he replied.

There was another silence, and then Amanda sighed.

"I can't stop you. I don't want to, either. If you can end this, the sooner the better. I just don't want you to put yourself in jeopardy again."

"I will not," he said, his hand tightening over hers, which still lay over his heart. Her eyes met his, and a tender look passed between them. He began to lean toward her, his lips only an inch away from hers...

At that moment, the intercom mounted on the wall crackled.

"Mrs. Grayson?" Dr. Robinson's voice came through the speakers.

"I'm here," Amanda said, giving Sarek a confused look.

"I'm down in the lobby. There's someone here to see you...she says she knows you, but I didn't want to let her up in case she's a reporter."

Amanda heard a familiar voice in the background, addressing the doctor.

"This is fucking ridiculous! I showed you my ID- we have the same last name. Of course I know her! What the hell, do you think I would bother getting a fake one just to see her in a hospital?"

"Instructions would be desirable," Dr. Robinson said, obviously annoyed. Amanda was grinning.

"Tell her to wait, I'll be down in a few minutes," she replied. She heard the doctor curse under his breath.

"Okay...I'll just keep her occupied, shall I?" he said dryly, and then clicked off.

"I failed to mention..." Sarek said slowly. "I paid a visit to the San Francisco State campus the other day."

She stared at him in astonishment. "Is that what you kept from me?"

"I did not know when she would contact you, or even with certainty that she would," he replied. "I thought it best not to mention it until the time when she did so."

"You talked to her? For me?" she asked softly.

"I assure you, I would not have spoken to her for any other reason. It was not a particularly pleasant conversation," he said. She smiled, and leaned forward to kiss him.

"Thank you," she whispered against his lips before kissing him again.

"I think it would be best if you did not keep her waiting," Sarek said. "For the sake of my physician, at least, as he is the only specialist in this building with knowledge of Vulcan anatomy and physiology. It would not do for anything to befall him."

"With the exception that he didn't know about the healing trance," she pointed out as she stood.

"Vulcans are a highly private race, as you know," he said. "I would have preferred a Vulcan healer, but one was not called for- Dr. Robinson believed he had sufficient knowledge to tend to my injuries."

"Well, _he's_ not the one who had to slap you awake," Amanda said. "Maybe next time he should consider a healer when he has a Vulcan patient. That way, when something like that happens someone has an idea of what's going on."

"Amanda...you should go," he said, and she felt his amusement...the worries that had filled him before were dwindling, replaced instead with warm emotions.

"I'll be back when I'm done talking to her...it might be awhile," she said, and he nodded once to show that he understood.

As she turned to go, she remembered the reporters...and almost felt guilty. She had spoken out, knowing he would not like it. And perhaps she had done it partly because she'd been feeling rather disgruntled towards him at the time, because of T'Shan's revelations. But she shoved these thoughts away. Now was not the time to worry about it...he would find out soon enough, and then they would discuss it. Amanda knew she was right in that they couldn't remain silent forever, and she was ready to defend her decision.

Instead, she focused on more positive things...her sister was here, and it was through his doing. Sarah would not have come if he hadn't spoken to her- Amanda somehow knew that. She could only hope the encounter went well, and that his efforts to reunite them had not been in vain.

**A/N: Happy New Year, everybody!**


	49. Damages

**Chapter 49: Damages**

Neither sister spoke as they slowly walked around the small, grassy rest area behind the hospital. It was quiet here, as opposed to the front of the building- which bustled with activity even when reporters were not there. Other than a few visitors sitting on benches and enjoying the fresh air, they were alone.

Amanda glanced over at Sarah. They had hardly spoken a word since meeting up in the lobby and going outside...neither really knew what to say.

"So..." Sarah cleared her throat, looking down at the brick path under their feet. "How is he?"

"He's doing great," Amanda replied, also looking down.

"And you?" Sarah's voice became softer, laced with concern. When Amanda glanced up she saw that her sister looked anxious, even though she still wasn't looking at her.

"I'm fine too," she said. "I wasn't at first, though."

"I bet not. It must've been so hard, finding out what happened." Sarah sighed, and looked ahead as they continued to walk.

"It was the scariest moment of my life," Amanda said quietly. "Sarah...I've already lost mom and dad...if I'd lost him too..." She faltered, breath catching in her throat as she blinked away tears. She knew the danger was over- but sometimes she still thought about those dark hours when she'd thought he might die. Dwelling on it didn't help, but she couldn't escape the fact that she'd been lucky.

"I know. I may not exactly...approve of him, but he's your husband. I guess I just have to accept the fact that I can't keep you to myself all my life. He's just as important to you as I am." Sarah looked up at the branches of the tree they were now walking under. It threw them partially into shadow, shafts of yellow light filtering between the green leaves to scatter them with golden flecks.

"I felt it happen," Amanda confessed in a small voice. Sarah drew her gaze away from the branches, looking at Amanda for the first time since they'd come outside.

"What do you mean?" she asked, puzzled.

"I felt it happen...when he was stabbed, I mean," Amanda replied, folding her arms and looking down at the bricks beneath her feet as they continued on.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Sarah asked, as if she thought her sister might be crazy.

"There's this thing Vulcans have...it's called a bond. When Vulcans marry, a link between their minds is created. It's difficult to explain...but I can feel what he feels, physically and emotionally. I felt it when he was injured. It was the worst feeling ever. Not just the pain, but knowing that he could die at any second and I would know- I would feel it happen." Amanda took a deep breath and let it out slowly- trying to quell the memories of those moments of panic. "It's one of the scarier aspects of the bond."

"You _felt_ it happen?" Sarah repeated, and Amanda was alarmed to see tears in her eyes. Sarah was not usually one to cry, their previous argument being the first time she'd seen her do so since their mother's death. "Amanda...I'm so sorry. That really _must_ have been terrible."

"Well, it's over now," Amanda said, laying a hand on Sarah's shoulder. They had stopped walking and were now facing each other under a tree.

"I'm sorry you had to go through all that," she repeated, a tear escaping to slide down her cheek.

"Sarah, there's nothing to be sorry about. You had nothing to do with this, there's nothing you could have done," Amanda said soothingly. Sarah shook her head, sniffling, but didn't reply to that.

"I'm even more sorry that I was such a bitch and wouldn't return your calls," she said thickly as she pushed her hair behind her ears as a pretense for wiping away her tears. "I've been stupid. I didn't realize how hurt you were by it until the ambassador showed up at my dorm. I shouldn't have gotten upset when you left."

"No...you had every right to be upset. I'm sorry about that, too," Amanda said, throwing her arm around Sarah's shoulders and drawing her close to her side as they resumed their walk around the courtyard. "It was such a bitchy thing to do, waiting until the night before to tell you. You should've been my top priority. You deserved to know that I was leaving and why."

"Well, I'm not arguing that. It _was_ a bitchy thing to do," Sarah replied, and Amanda smiled."But there's something Sarek said to me that was completely true...it was selfish of me to be pissed off just because you wanted to be happy. Well, those weren't his exact words, but you get my drift."

Amanda's smile widened slightly as she tightened the arm that was around Sarah.

"Anyway...he had a point. I was being selfish. If you want to move to another planet, that's none of my business. Your life is yours and I shouldn't interfere- matter how much it upsets me that you're living so far away. I should be happy for you," Sarah said. Amanda got the feeling that this little speech had been rehearsed, and she was touched. It was obvious that she'd put some real thought into this- she really _did_ want to make amends, and it wasn't just because Sarek guilted her into it. She had probably wanted to fix their relationship a lot sooner, but had been prevented by her own stubbornness.

"Neither of us handled the situation like we should have," Amanda replied. "Let's just call it even. Are things okay between us now?"

"I guess," she mumbled, but Amanda sensed something was wrong. Before she could inquire, Sarah continued. "Are things okay between you two? I mean...on Vulcan? Is he treating you right?"

"He treats me far better than I ever imagined he could," Amanda replied with a smile. "Things are just fine between us."

There was no need to tell Sarah about Pon Farr...not only would Sarek heavily disapprove of her divulging that particular Vulcan secret, but it would only increase Sarah's dislike for him. She had been freaked out enough about the bite marks Amanda had sustained during their...escapades...on Earth. If she knew that Amanda had almost died, she would go ballistic. Sarah had a temper that was even hotter than Amanda's and she had no desire to set it off.

'That's good..." Sarah's eyes were unfocused as she stared ahead at the gray hospital building. She was quiet for a few minutes before speaking again. "Amanda...have you ever regretted something so much that you wished you could undo it?"

"Have I regretted what? Marrying a Vulcan?" Amanda asked, confused.

"Yeah, sure," Sarah said, but Amanda sensed that they weren't really talking about her any more. Eying her sister suspiciously, she replied.

"There are times when it seems like there's a huge cultural gap between us, and I get tired of dealing with it...but then he does or says something that reminds me of why I'm with him in the first place. So no...I've never regretted my decision. It's worth all the hardships, and Sarek is incredibly good to me. That's why I can't stand it when news articles come out saying the exact opposite. They don't know how close we are, or what he's really like."

Sarah was silent, brow furrowed as she looked down at her feet. Amanda somehow knew this wasn't the answer she'd been looking for, and decided to try again.

"Sarah...I may not regret marrying Sarek, but everyone regrets _something_. I regret our fight. I regret not being there with you and mom when she got sick and you had to take care of her by yourself. I regret being mad at dad right before he died. There are events in everyone's lives that they wish they could change. But they can't. There's nothing they can do about it, and even if they _could_ change it- they'd change who they are. If we could erase our mistakes, the lesson would never have been learned and we'd be the worse for it." Amanda continued to watch Sarah, who was still looking down at the ground, arms hugged around herself despite the warm air. She was acting like someone who felt guilty about something...

"But what if it's really, really bad," she whispered. Amanda frowned.

"The worst mistakes are the ones that teach us the most valuable lessons. I should know, I've made plenty- and most of those recently. I made another huge one today, and I'm sure I'll have to face the repercussions." She paused, eyes sweeping over her sister's features. "Sarah, what's wrong? What aren't you telling me?"

"It's nothing," Sarah said quickly, finally looking up and trying her best to smile- but it was strained. "Honestly. Nothing to worry about."

Amanda's eyebrows drew together and she opened her mouth to inquire further- but before she could get a word out, Sarah cut her off.

"Listen...I have class in an hour. I just wanted to stop by and ask how he's doing, and to see whether or not you're okay...maybe I'll see you again before you leave, okay?"

Feeling that they shouldn't end this conversation- not when it was obvious that Sarah was bothered by something- Amanda began to protest.

"Sarah- come on. Talk to me. What's going on?"

"I said it's nothing. And it really isn't." Her smile was still strained, and she was backing toward the doors that led into the hospital. "You should go back up to him. That's where you need to be right now. Tell him...tell him from me to get better, alright?"

"Sarah!" Amanda called as she followed her inside.

"I really do have to go. The shuttle comes in five minutes," Sarah replied, sidestepping a pair of doctors who headed toward them in the corridor. Amanda was right behind her- desperation beginning to fill her. Something was wrong, she could sense it.

"I have a hover-car waiting for me out front. I could give you a lift," Amanda said.

"No- really. It's fine," she protested.

"Fine. But if you need to talk- call me! And I'll come see you before we leave for Vulcan. It may be a while yet, so I'll have plenty of time. Sarek has some business to attend to first. But I _will_ come."

Amanda felt that she shouldn't give in- she should persevere until her sister talked, even if it meant making her skip class- but there was nothing she could do. She was determined not to confide in her. And as Sarah nodded once to show that she'd heard before quickening her step, Amanda felt like she'd just made another huge mistake.

A sick feeling twisted her stomach as she watched Sarah disappear into the bustle of doctors and nurses filling the corridor. She had no idea what was going on- but she knew that whatever it was, it was bad.

* * *

The hospital room was silent except for the voice of the anchorwoman, which came from the computer console across the room from them. Amanda's arms were crossed over her chest as she sat beside Sarek, once more so close that their sides were touching. She could feel the tension in his body- his hands clenched where they rested against his thighs, and his shoulders were stiff. Yet his face was as calm as ever.

He had shut down the link as soon as her face appeared on the screen and had not said a word. This time she didn't question it. Something told her that it wasn't a good idea for her to sit so close to him at the moment. It was a strange thought, as he had never displayed any sort of violence towards her before- Pon Farr aside. But she didn't need the link to tell her that he was furious. Body language spoke more than words.

They were playing footage from her speech. As the recorded version of herself continued to speak, she could almost feel Sarek's anger rising.

"The odd coupling of Ambassador Sarek and twenty-three-year-old Amanda Grayson has drawn a lot of scrutiny in the past," the anchorwoman said as the her face reappeared on the screen. "Ms. Grayson's outburst today is a wake-up call for media representatives everywhere. She is likely to face backlash from today's less-than-political speech, but it does raise several questions. _Is_ there such a thing as too much publicity? It is a widely-known fact that important officials are often followed by reporters- but should that be extended to their spouses as well? Does the media have a right to 'hound' Ms. Grayson- especially under the circumstances now surrounding the ambassador?

"While thought-provoking and eye-opening, the speech could also be interpreted as evidence that Ms. Grayson is far from prepared for the role she faces. As she herself has now publicly confirmed, she and the ambassador are married. Is she ready for the difficult task of being a politician's wife- a role that takes a certain amount of poise and diplomacy? An outburst such as the one today could very well tarnish her reputation."

The anchorwoman looked away from the screen and the camera zoomed out, showing her co-anchorman.

"What do you think about this, David?" she asked.

"I think she was completely out of line," David declared. "She accused the media's interference of being a motivation for the ambassador's attacker. Preposterous. And it's our _job_ to ask questions, to better formulate an idea of the situation. If she didn't want to answer the questions, she should have just walked on by and ignored the reporters. There was no need to attack them. She is in no way ready to be a diplomat's wife. That woman could start an intergalactic war if she's going to shoot her mouth off like that!"

"I have to agree that she shouldn't have spoken, David- but she did have several valid points," the woman said.

"That's not what matters. If every ambassador's wife opened her mouth like that-"

"Computer- end broadcast," Sarek commanded sharply, and the screen went blank. Amanda looked determinedly down at her hands, which were folded in her lap. He did not speak again for several long moments.

"Explain," he finally said, his voice cold. She bit her lip. She'd thought she was ready to defend herself...but now she wasn't so sure.

"I just...snapped. I couldn't handle it any more. I knew that if I didn't say anything, they would make something up- and it would be far worse than the truth."

"That is not a valid excuse," he said icily. "Are you mentally imbalanced?"

"What?" she asked, confused. She looked up at him and saw that he was still staring at the blank screen, but she could almost feel the fury radiating off him.

"That is the only explanation I can think of," he replied. "You know my policy on public statements. As my wife, it is imperative that you say nothing to the media. Nothing, Amanda. There are reasons for this. While they may spin tales to fill your silence, that is far preferable to them having validated material to twist to suit their needs."

She didn't want to fight with him- not now. He didn't need this. But she knew she was right.

"One of those tales they spun to 'fill my silence' was the reason we had to move to Vulcan! Or have you forgotten that?" she asked heatedly. "It also nearly resulted in you losing your position. I think reality is far preferable to them making stuff up. They may twist my words, but they can't completely shred them."

"I fail to understand why you are so determined to ruin your own image- and mine as well," Sarek said. His arms were folded over his chest now, his eyes cold as he looked at her for the first time. Tension was thick in the room. "Amanda, you do not understand. You are still new to this life. You do not realize what is at stake. The smallest of slips could result in an intergalactic scandal. Every diplomat knows this- that is why we do not make statements to the media. You could have easily damaged your reputation and mine as well."

"But as you heard- that woman thought I had a valid point!" Amanda said, gesturing angrily at the blank console. "And she won't be the last! This David guy is probably the exception!"

"And yet her colleague had a valid point as well," Sarek said quietly. "You should not have spoken. It does not matter if what you said was true- which it was, and I cannot deny that. Speaking to the media is no different from speaking to T'Pau- you must tread carefully. I thought you learned that lesson not long ago. I was incorrect."

"What does it matter? All I did was tell some reporters to leave me alone!" Amanda said indignantly.

"And it was unnecessary. It served no purpose other than to satisfy your need to relieve your emotional distress," he replied coolly. "You have gained nothing by speaking out."

"Yes, I have!" Amanda said angrily, sliding off the bed and standing- anything to get away from him right now. "I gained my dignity! I'm through with letting them walk all over me. Maybe there wouldn't be half as many lies about us in the press if we issued statements every once in a while! That's what they _want_, Sarek- it pisses them off when we don't tell them anything, and they write negative articles about us in retaliation!"

"That theory is illogical. It would serve no purpose to be vindictive," Sarek replied dismissively.

"Humans _are_ illogical!" she retorted. "You may not like what I did, Sarek- but I had my reasons. I want them to leave me alone- to leave _us_ alone! If I had to tarnish my reputation a bit to get some privacy, so be it! I can't _stand_ them following me around. _You_ may be used to it but I'm not, and I'm not going to tolerate it any longer!"

"You fail to grasp the issue here, Amanda. It is not only that you told them to leave you alone. You have made the difference in our ages more obvious to me than ever before by your behavior. You have displayed your temper on numerous occasions, but you have never spoken so publicly and without thinking. I am...disappointed by your behavior. Far more disappointed than I was when you came here against my wishes." Sarek looked away from her before continuing. "You have displayed your naivety and lack of control by speaking out. Perhaps T'Pau and this David are correct. You are not prepared for your position."

Amanda stared at him- not sure if she was angry, or just sad that he felt that way. She tried to speak but couldn't. She was hurt- even though she knew he was right.

"Sarek...I won't apologize for my actions," she finally said. "But I do apologize for your disappointment. It wasn't my intention to disappoint you. And maybe I _did_ make a mistake today...but it's one I'll never regret."

She turned towards the door, prepared to leave.

"Amanda...wait," he said, and she stopped, turning back to him. "Where are you going?"

"I'm leaving for the day. It's obvious that you don't want my company at the moment, and frankly- I don't want to be around when you're angry," she replied stiffly.

"I am not angry-"

"_Disappointed_, then," she amended with a glare, and started toward the door again.

"Do not go," he said. She sighed, once more stopping.

"Is that an _order_?" she asked hotly."Because I'm _not_ one of your servants."

"No, it was merely a suggestion," he said quietly. She debated for a moment, looking at him for a long time before going back to the chair beside his bed and sitting down. She kept her gaze fixed on the floor as he spoke again. "What is done, is done. I cannot change what happened, and it would be illogical to allow this to cause a rift between us. I do not approve of what you did, and you are now aware of that. That is the most I can do. I must ask that you not do this again- not without at least informing me beforehand."

"I won't speak out again, unless I find it absolutely necessary," she said calmly. She knew that wasn't the answer he was looking for- but that was the only one he was going to get.

"Hopefully there will be no negative aftereffects," he said evenly. "I admit there is a possibility this will be more helpful than detrimental. Yet you must learn to control yourself, Amanda- I cannot stress that fact more."

"I'm not Vulcan," she acidly replied.

"I know this," he said. "And I do not expect you behave as a Vulcan. I expect you to behave as a dignified ambassador's wife. Not only for my sake, but for your own. And 'dignified' does not mean accusing reporters and pointing out their faults, no matter how correct you may be."

Amanda felt her anger melting away. He was more relaxed now, and no longer tense. He wasn't angry, although she knew he had every reason to be. If he wasn't mad...she couldn't be either.

She hated how he did this- one minute they were arguing, the next they were calm. As much as she _wanted_ to stay angry- at least long enough to prove a point- he never allowed her to. She supposed she understood why...when they fought, there was no logic in allowing it to continue beyond the original argument, and it was better to make a compromise and reestablish their contentment sooner rather than later.

It was a few seconds before she realized that he'd open the bond again, and that was his thought, not hers.

"There is no logical reason for us to disagree," he said. "I only meant to convey my disapproval, and the reason why I disapprove. I have done so, as was my intention. Yet I often forget that you do not react well to such statements of displeasure, thus resulting in disagreements."

"Two days in a row we've fought," Amanda said softly, shaking her head. "We haven't even been married long, and we're already turning into one of _those_ couples. Well..._I'm_ turning us into one of those couples. You won't even admit that we argue."

"We have disagreements," he corrected and she smiled despite herself.

"That's a tame term for what we do," she said sadly. "Sarek...I don't want to have disagreements with you. Especially not when you're laying in a hospital. But we already have...and both times it was my fault. I _have_ been naive. Maybe I _am_ mentally imbalanced."

"Not mentally," he said. "Perhaps emotionally. You have had quite an ordeal."

"I _am_ emotionally exhausted right now. But that doesn't justify it." She sighed, rubbing her forehead.

"Come here," he beckoned, and she rolled her eyes.

"That's not fair. You can't tell me how naive I am and how disappointed in me you are- and then turn around and expect me to come crawling back into your arms. At least give me _some_ time to fume."

His eyebrows rose, and he continued to stare at her. She stared back for several seconds before giving an irritated "Hmph!" and joining him on the bed. "I _hate_ it when you do this," she added as she settled back into his arms.

"Your current state of mind contradicts your words," he said. It was true...although she pretended to be irritated, she was actually amused and relieved that they could settle back into a comfortable companionship, even after what had just passed between them. It did not diminish the seriousness of her resolution and of his disapproval- but it was over with. She should count herself lucky that they could get over their spats so easily. She knew there were couples who were not so fortunate.

"Why can't I stay mad at you?" she asked.

"Because there is no logical reason to be angry," he suggested, which made her smile.

"Maybe I'm starting to be tainted by your logic," she said, settling against him. "Let's watch a holo-vid. There's a good station that broadcasts old Terran movies. Computer- start broadcast."

The news was still on and the hosts were now back to discussing the assassination attempt- which had been a hot news topic for two days now. Amanda prepared to change the station, but froze when a clip she hadn't seen before began to play...

Sarek was walking along a sidewalk with his guards. A crowd of protesters waving signs surrounded him on both sides...and out of nowhere came a man holding a flag. Amanda watched in horror as he lunged forward- ducking phaserfire before coming up to ram the pole forward. She saw the tip sink into her husband's chest- and he stumbled back, green blood staining his tunic...

"Computer- pause broadcast stream," Sarek commanded suddenly. Amanda's hand clutched his tightly- her breathing and heart rate sped up. She had felt it happen...but she had never seen it. It was far worse than she'd imagined.

"Sarek...I..." she said faintly, not knowing what to say and unable to banish the new images from her mind. The picture was still fixed on the screen and she avoided looking at it- pressing her face against his shoulder instead.

"I regret that you had to see that," Sarek said quietly, and she looked up at him. He was concentrating on the frozen image on-screen with more intensity than seemed necessary. "Amanda...could you perhaps attempt to explain why your sister is among the protesters?"

**A/N: Cliff hanger! Sort of... :D**


	50. Betrayal

**Chapter 50: Betrayal**

Amanda's shoes crunched against the dry, brittle grass as she made her way across the quad. Her hands were balled into fists at her sides and her lips were pressed together. She was seething with fury- and yet she was also hurt. Far more hurt than she had thought possible.

Sarek had told her earlier not to go.

_"You are not in an emotional state in which you should confront her, Amanda_,_"_ he'd said as she paced back and forth across the hospital room with her arms folded and eyes flashing. _"You will only regret it later. You do not possess full knowledge of the situation. It is likely that she had no part in my attempted murder and you will make things worse with her than they currently are."_

But even as he said it, she knew what he was really thinking. It came as no surprise to him whatsoever that Sarah was among his detractors- she had expressed dislike for him before. He truly did not think she had a part in the assassination plot but a deep resentment was beginning to settle within him. Not because she'd protested against him along with hundreds of others- but because of what this was doing to Amanda. She had betrayed her sister- her own flesh and blood.

Amanda knew that as always, he was only concerned about her welfare- both physical and mental. It had been an emotional roller-coaster for her the past few days and this was the last thing she needed- yet another problem in her life.

But despite Sarek's warnings, she was now here.

He didn't know this- not yet. Speaking to the media was one thing- but this was her own personal business and he had no say in what she did. He knew as much, and therefore she felt no guilt this time for going against his wishes.

She'd asked T'Shan to wait in the hover-car but had brought two of her guards with her- more to appease Sarek than for protection. He would likely be more discomfited by her walking alone across a college campus at nighttime rather than by her confronting Sarah. When she told him the next day- and she had every intention of telling him- at least he would not have that to worry about. Not that Vulcans _worried_, according to him.

Bell Hall loomed out of the shadows- the windows brightly lit and glowing in the darkness as they approached. It was at the very end of the seniors' last quarter and they would be graduating in just a few days. Judging by the hover-cars parked outside and the loud music making the glass windowpanes vibrate in their frames- they were celebrating the end of final exams.

Under other circumstances, Amanda would have felt a pang of regret. She should have been one of the seniors celebrating- but she doubted she would be graduating with them. She'd already finished her final courses and exams a week before and didn't know how much longer she would be on Earth- she could be gone in a few days for all she knew.

But this was not other circumstances. Any regrets that she may have had about not spending the night partying with college acquaintances were far from her mind as she climbed the stone steps leading up to the entrance.

Upon opening the door, the volume of the music struck her full-force. It vibrated in her very bones, pounding against her eardrums so she could hear nothing else. It had been months since she'd heard anything like this and it rattled her senses.

The common room was full of drunk students lounging on the sofas with classic beer and Romulan ale- which she wasn't even going to ask how they'd gotten, considering that it was illegal. Still more stood around laughing, talking or even dancing- if it could be called dancing. It was more like sex while standing up with clothes on. An Orion girl was surrounded by a group of men in a corner- no doubt turning on the old charm.

Amanda didn't see Sarah anywhere. She turned on the spot, craning her head over the crowd- checking every corner of the room. Still no sign of her.

Her guards followed as she began to make her way through the tight press of bodies toward the stairs. She climbed the creaking steps with them right behind her.

The music was significantly deadened up here- Amanda could hear her footsteps against the wooden floor now. She neared the door she knew to be her sister's and raised one of her clenched fists to hammer on it.

Her teeth gritted together as she waited. Her patience was wearing thin- her anger and dismay at the revelation of her sister witnessing Sarek's injury boiled close to the surface. Sarah could have told her the truth that very day and had not. She had actually _been_ there. To Amanda that made her just as guilty as the man now rotting in prison- whether she'd been directly involved in the incident or not.

The door opened partway and she didn't hesitate, forcefully pushing it the rest of the way and advancing into the room- brown eyes smoldering with fury. Sarah backed away, staring at Amanda fearfully. She knew why she was here- there was no need to ask.

"Wait outside," Amanda instructed her guards. She heard the door close and continued to walk forward. Sarah backed up further- her bed catching her behind the knees and forcing her to sit. Amanda now towered over her.

"Amanda...I..."

"Shut up," Amanda growled. "I'm speaking right now- not you. You are not to say anything unless I ask you a question. Understood?"

Sarah tore her eyes away, looking down at her feet. She nodded mutely.

"First of all- why the _hell_ were you there?" she asked. Sarah shifted uncomfortably.

"This guy I've been dating- Damian. He's big into this organization. He took me to a few meetings- but it's full of a bunch of wackos. He dragged me along to some protests, that's all."

"Bullshit," Amanda hissed. "You never liked Sarek. I find it hard to believe there was much _dragging_ involved. You were willing and don't you dare deny it."

"Okay- I admit it!" Sarah snapped, looking up. "I was mad, okay? It was a juvenile thing to be upset about, and I know that now. I meant everything I said earlier. I realized how stupid I was being."

"Was that before or after you witnessed my husband almost killed by one of your fellow speciesists?" Amanda asked icily.

"I'm not a speciesist!" Sarah replied indignantly. "I don't mind other non-Terrans. It was just _him_ I was mad at! When Damian said there was a group gathering to protest against him, I agreed because of that. Like I said- it was juvenile!"

"That does not in any way excuse you!" Amanda's voice shook as she forced away angry tears. She took a deep breath before asking her next question. "Did you know about it?"

"Did I know about what?" Sarah asked.

"Don't play stupid! You know what I'm talking about!" Amanda's body was tense- rigid. Her anger and betrayal was consuming her- making it hard to refrain from punching her sister in the face. "I'm talking about the assassination plot! _Did you know_?"

"I...well, it's complicated..." Sarah hesitated.

"Well, you'd better un-fucking-complicate it!" Amanda said furiously.

"Well...like I said, everyone at the meetings were wackos...I thought it was all talk. Just another hate group that really wouldn't do anything but sit around planning stuff that wouldn't happen, you know? There were rumors that someone was going to do something that day, but I didn't believe them."

"What were the rumors?" Amanda asked coldly.

"You know...that someone was going to try to kill him...they circulated around for a few days before it happened."

"So you _knew_," Amanda breathed. She had expected as much- but somehow knowing it made it so much worse. "You knew and didn't tell anyone. You didn't contact the police. You didn't warn _him_. He came to your door the very day before it happened and you didn't say a damn word! He could have _died_, Sarah!"

Amanda's voice was rising, her hands flexing- she was trying not to strangle her sister. She reminded herself over and over again that it would create one of those intergalactic scandals Sarek had mentioned if she were arrested for murder. That helped some.

"I know that! That's when I realized how awful those people were and how dumb I was for hanging around with them! I'm sorry, Amanda, I really am! But I honestly thought it was all just talk!"

"You were wrong. It _wasn't_ just talk." Amanda's breathing was harder than normal, her heart thudding in her chest. She felt sick. "You shouldn't have assumed it was! You should have told the police- even if it _did_ only turn out to be rumors! If they're capable of all the other crimes being pointed at them, they're certainly capable of assassination!"

"I said I'm sorry- what else can I say? It's over with! You're right- I _should_ have told someone. I _should_ have warned the ambassador. But I didn't! I can't change that- you said yourself you can't undo the mistakes you regret most! I wish I _had_ told someone- trust me, I really do!"

"You don't feel bad about Sarek almost dying," Amanda said venomously. "You only cared that I would find out. You don't even like him, and you never did- because you're jealous of him, and was so afraid that having him in my life would make me care less about you. Do you have any idea how much it would have hurt me if he'd died?"

"I _do_ care that he almost died! He didn't do anything to deserve it- and from what I saw the day he talked to me, he cares about you a lot! I would never want him _dead_!" Sarah stood from the bed, eyes shining with unshed tears. "I know you would have been hurt! Why do you think I felt so bad afterward? Especially when you told me you actually _felt_ it happen?"

Amanda eyed Sarah. She knew she truly regretted it- and she knew she couldn't really blame her for what had happened. She'd had no part in it. But still...

"You still shouldn't have even been there," Amanda said, her throat aching from holding back tears. "You knew what he means to me. The fact that you actively protested against him was like protesting against our marriage. You betrayed me by even being there, Sarah. Surely you knew how I would feel if I found out."

"I can't undo it," Sarah whispered and turned away. "Don't you think I would if I could? I know I shouldn't have gone. I didn't even belong there. I'm not like them. I may not be happy that you married a Vulcan, but I can't hate them like they do."

"It doesn't matter. None of it matters," Amanda said in a low voice. "The fact is- you knew there was a plot. You were right in the middle of it, and it doesn't matter if it was unintentional. You were involved. Whether you believed the rumors or not, you stood by and let it happen."

"And how was I supposed to know it would end like that?" Sarah said, turning back around to face her sister. "I thought it was just a protest. Do you really think I would have been there if I knew what was going to happen?"

There was a tense silence, during which Amanda's eyes slowly lowered away from Sarah's face. She could feel her eyes on her.

"You really think I _want_ to see him die? You really think I'm capable of that?" she asked, hurt.

"I don't know what to think right now," Amanda murmured. "You hate him for no reason. You could be capable of anything."

"How could you think that?" Sarah cried. "I'm your _sister_! If I thought there was even an ounce of truth to the rumors, I would have done something! I was only there because I was angry at him and wanted to show it! You left me for him, Amanda! You didn't say anything! You just up and left like it was okay. You treated me as if I didn't matter and I was mad- what else was I supposed to do?"

"I don't know, Sarah," Amanda said quietly. "Maybe you should have just accepted him- and us. Maybe you should have answered my calls and _talked_ to me instead of convincing yourself that you should hang around with people who hate Vulcans. One of the people who attended those meetings with you almost killed him...and you were there. You were against him, and for childish reasons. I don't know if I can forgive you. It's going to take a lot to build my trust in you again." Amanda bit her lip hard as she looked away, unable to continue looking at her sister's stricken face.

"You won't even give me a chance," Sarah said, voice choked with tears. "You don't _want_ to forgive me. And I didn't do anything wrong! Why are you acting like this?"

Amanda honestly did not know.

"I need to go," she said quietly. She hesitated- almost saying something else- maybe that she was truly sorry. That she wasn't angry any more...that she'd never really had a reason to be. But she didn't.

"Yeah. You do." There was a bitterness in Sarah's voice that she'd never heard before and she did not stop her as she turned and left. Amanda did not blame her. As the door closed behind her she heard a sob- and a pang shot through her.

The guards were waiting for her outside. They joined her silently and they made their way downstairs.

The party was still going at top notch. She heard old friends calling to her as they spotted her across the room- but she ignored them. They weren't a part of her life any more- and right now she didn't want to talk to anyone.

She felt guilty. She found that taking her anger out on Sarah had not helped at all. She was just as miserable as she'd been before- if not more so. And she'd hurt her sister in the process.

* * *

It was the next morning. Amanda had had troubles sleeping the night before and as she walked down the hospital corridor she felt heavy- her muscles languid and her eyes burning with the need for sleep.

She'd tossed and turned all night as she considered everything she'd said to Sarah. She was her sister...the last of her family...could she really sever all ties with her? Was this one mistake Sarah had made really worth it? Despite everything, she still loved her. She was her baby sister- the same girl she'd once comforted when she had nightmares. The same girl she'd helped through their parents' death. The same girl she'd played dolls with and seen through her first heartbreaks. Her transgressions were not so terrible that they should eclipse the lifetime of memories, were they?

Amanda thought back to the conversation with her in the courtyard the day before. She couldn't turn back time. She couldn't change the things she'd said- no more than Sarah could have changed what happened to Sarek. She knew what Sarah meant now by regrets so deep one wished they could change them. Her cruelty and unforgiving stance the night before was one of those.

She didn't want to confront Sarek quite yet- but it was unavoidable. She didn't want to tell him he'd been right. Didn't want to tell him she'd made another huge mistake. She didn't want him to be disappointed because she had done what he'd warned against. She had reacted emotionally yet again and displayed the naivety he had commented on just the night before.

Amanda entered his hospital room and stopped short when she saw that he was standing at the foot of the bed. As she watched, he pulled on a tunic- T'Shan must have brought him clothes sometime before.

"What's going on?" she asked. Sarek glanced up at her.

"I have been discharged. I finished my blood-replenishing hypo regimen this morning and there is no longer any need for me to stay."

"Are you sure?" she asked anxiously, going to him and helping him button up the tunic the rest of the way.

"Amanda, I am fully capable of doing that myself," he said, brushing her hands away. She watched him as he did so. He was not as pale as he'd been when she first arrived on Earth, and he did not seem weak or in much pain...he seemed fine. She was relieved- but only for a moment. She still had a task ahead of her that she dreaded.

"Sarek...I know you said I shouldn't, but last night I..." She faltered, the words sticking in her throat.

"You went to see your sister," he finished. Amanda hesitantly opened the link, which she'd closed the night before. She needed to gauge his reaction...she discovered that he was not angry. In fact, he didn't seem to feel one way or another about this announcement.

"Did T'Shan tell you?" she asked.

"No, she did not say anything about it," he replied. "I knew last night you would go, despite my misgivings. It was to be expected." He turned to retrieve his PADD from where it lay on a table.

"And you're okay with that?" she asked.

"It was not my decision to make," he said. There was a silence, during which Sarek sat on the edge of the bed to pull on his boots. She watched him for a few moments.

"Aren't you going to ask me why she was there?" she asked. She was surprised when he shook his head slowly.

"No. I am not," he replied quietly. "If she was involved in the plot, I will find out through the meld with my attacker. If she was not, I have no wish to know her reasons for being there. Her explanation for her presence is none of my concern."

"Did the extradition come through already, then?" she asked, unable to stop the wave of relief at the fact that he was not even concerned about Sarah's involvement. He didn't seem to be holding a grudge...not that Vulcans hold grudges. At the mention of Sarah, she felt nothing from him.

"Not yet," Sarek replied. "The Terran government has taken the decision to the Federation Council. It may be days- or even weeks- before I have an answer. However, there is no logical reason for them to deny the request. I fully expect them to hand him over to Vulcan."

Amanda nodded distractedly and looked down. Tears built up once more...it was beginning to strike her just how much of a mess she'd made out of the situation with Sarah. Her anger seemed distant now, like something that had happened in a dream. She'd long since forgotten it. She wished she had not gone to the campus. But she could not undo it. As much as she wanted to, it was impossible.

She knew Sarah regretted what had happened with every fiber of her being. And the damage inflicted on Sarek had not been done by Sarah herself. Amanda had taken her anger out on the wrong person. She had confronted her with the singular intent of hurting her- and she had done so. She may have caused irreparable damage to their relationship- for nothing.

Amanda brushed away the tears that had unknowingly slid down her cheeks. Now she knew Sarek had been right to warn her against going. She _did_ regret it, just as he had cautioned. She should have waited until she was calmer and had better control over herself- over her emotions- before confronting her.

Warm fingers touched her chin, tilting her face up.

"Amanda, I did warn you," he agreed quietly. She nodded...she knew she should have listened. She always believed _she_ was right- but the truth was that he held far more wisdom than she ever could. If she'd always followed his advice there would be far fewer mistakes on her part. "Yet it was your decision," he added. "You will learn from this just as you learn from every other incident."

"I ruined everything with her. I shouldn't have gone," she muttered, but did not lower her gaze from his.

"Perhaps not. But do you truly believe she will never forgive you? You have forgiven her already and you surely did not think it possible last night."

"I was so mad at her over nothing. So what if she _was_ there? She didn't have anything to do with what happened. She didn't even really want to be there. Sarek, what's wrong with me?"

"You are emotionally distressed. It is resulting in behavior that is illogical even for a human," he replied and she shook her head with a small smile.

"Maybe I've been looking for someone to take it out on all along. The reporters...and then Sarah...when the person I should really be mad at is sitting in a jail cell out of my reach. I doubt she'll forgive me for this, Sarek. I wouldn't if I were her. I'm her only sister and I refused to accept her apology- to accept her explanations for what she did. All because I wanted to vent my frustrations. Now it's too late."

"It is never 'too late'. That is an illogical concept," Sarek replied. "There is no marked time parameter for forgiveness. As long as you both are still living, you have a chance. I may not have been well-versed in such matters before I met you, Amanda...but I learn quickly. Do not allow another rift to come between you. It does not matter who is at fault. Do not allow pride to prevent you."

She nodded and looked down before giving a soft, humorless laugh.

"Humans could learn a thing or two from you, you know."

"That has been duly noted," he said, and her smile widened. "I estimate that we will leave for Vulcan in a matter of days. I suggest you not delay."

She watched as he turned away and headed for the door. When she did not immediately follow, he paused in the doorway and looked back at her questioningly. After several seconds, she walked to him. He discreetly met her fingers in the _ozh'esta_ before they left the room together.

He was right. She could not delay...and she could not allow pride to stop her from explaining everything to Sarah and telling her what she now knew- that she forgave her. And as for the future...she made a mental note to listen to Sarek when he gave her advice.

**A/N: To address the concerns of several of my readers...I am intentionally making Amanda make mistakes and I suppose as some have said, immature. This will be addressed further in the next chapter. But this, I believe, is one of the last of her mistakes in this arena. This is the turning point, in which the new Amanda- the one we see in TOS and the new movie- is beginning to form. Wisdom and maturity come with experience, folks. Most twenty-three-year olds make mistakes, often the same ones repeatedly. Amanda is no exception, and she has it even worse than most as she tries to adjust to life as a Vulcan ambassador's wife.**

**Just thought I should point that out. This is intentional, so I can show her transformation from the very beginning of the story to the end. It wouldn't be realistic if she were perfect.**

***EDIT*- If any of you are at all interested in Spock/Uhura stories, I just posted the first chapter of a new story- it's called Inhibitions. You don't have to read my previous S/U fics to read it, it is separate.  
**


	51. Memories

**Chapter 51: Memories**

It was a relief to be away from the hospital. Spending two days lying in a bed was not Sarek's idea of productivity. The amount of work he could do had been very limited- and idleness was one thing he simply could not tolerate, even if it was necessary for recuperation. Now that he was home, he could work in his office and at his preferred pace without a physician complaining about overwork. Overwork was not a concept he was familiar with.

He could feel Amanda's anxiousness as they entered the house- she was laboring under the illogical fear that he may collapse. While the muscles in his legs did feel rather weak from lack of use, he was in no such danger. It was rather amusing that she worried about this.

"You were _stabbed_," she reminded him out loud as she placed her hands on his back and steered him toward the living room, pressing on his shoulders to make him sit on a divan. "I'm allowed to worry, no matter how illogical it is. It's my prerogative as your wife."

"You have other matters to concern yourself with," he said, slightly bemused by her actions as she sat beside him.

"You take precedence," she replied. "I came to Earth to care for you, first and foremost."

"I do not require care," Sarek pointed out. "And you will likely not see me often over the next few days. I have work to tend to in my office and I must also check on the progress of the building of the Vulcan embassy."

Nodding her head as if she'd already guessed as much, she sat back on the divan, arms folded over her stomach and eyes closed. He noted how tired she looked.

He knew she was deeply troubled by what happened to him. The fact that she'd seen the footage of the incident may have contributed to her behavior the night before- it had renewed her fury and sense of helplessness. He had felt it over the bond and known where she would go to relieve it. His feeble attempt to warn her against such confrontation had been half-hearted.

He could have stopped her. He knew it was a mistake for her go- but she would only have ignored him- which was exactly what she had done. He realized it was a painful lesson to teach, but he knew by now his wife was stubborn, and would only learn by what humans called, 'the hard way'.

"I do not believe I have work to do today," he said. "I will be able to spend it in your company- I suspect this will be my final restful day for quite some time. How would you prefer to spend it?"

"Oh, I don't know," she said with yawn. "I'm tired. I had a long night."

A tendril of guilt shot through him. He could have prevented this. She had lost sleep over the situation with her sister. Perhaps she was in greater torment over the situation than he had estimated.

Although there was no reason to- other than to perhaps relieve his guilt- he placed his hands under her thighs and lifted her legs so they draped over his lap, her head laying on the head rest. Her eyes opened briefly but closed again as he began to stroke her calf in a way she seemed to find comforting.

"Rest, then. We have plenty of time," he said.

"I don't know if I can," she said, eyes opening again. "I keep thinking about what I have to say to Sarah when I see her again. What if she refuses to even see me?"

"Sleep, Amanda," he said, and sent her soothing waves of calm. He leaned over, placing his fingers on her meld points. "Sleep," he murmured again. Her eyes fluttered closed once more and soon her breathing was deep and even.

He watched her for several minutes longer, pondering her question. What if his unwillingness to prevent her from going resulted in an even worse rift than the one preceding it? While there was no guarantee he would have been able stop her anyway- he'd had a chance. His intention had been to make her learn a lesson, not to damage the relationship between the siblings further.

He eased himself out from under her legs, settling them onto the divan and standing. As he did so, T'Shan appeared in the doorway.

"_Osu_-" she began, but he held up a hand to stop her. He looked at Amanda pointedly, and T'Shan dropped her tone to a whisper audible only to him.

"There is a transmission waiting for you. It is Ambassador Mayden. He bears news of the Federation Council's proceedings."

Mayden was the Terran representative on the Council. Had they reached a decision already? They had convened for the first time to discuss the issue of the extradition only that morning. Usually deliberations on interplanetary affairs of this sensitive nature took much longer. He began to think that perhaps he had spoken too soon in assuring Amanda the extradition was all but official.

Everything banked on his assailant being under his authority. Only he could do this- he must find out who the Purist leader was and effectively end the organization. For him. For every Vulcan. For Amanda.

And...although he would never admit it aloud- and even when he admitted it to himself it was accompanied by discomfort, as revenge was not the Vulcan way- it afforded him an opportunity he would have no other way.

He may be outwardly calm and Amanda may not know it...but he was furious.

Furious that someone had dared attempt to kill him. Furious that someone had almost succeeded- would have if not for ignorance. Furious that there was no reason for it. Furious that it would not end with him- it would spread beyond. Other Vulcans would be attacked, perhaps even killed. He thought of the Vulcan Science Academy student, and fresh fury erupted deep within him, shielded from the bond only by his expert control of it.

He wanted the man to feel this fury. He wanted this man to know who he had dealt with and failed to murder. To want was not logical- but that was what logical reasons were for. To hide his intentions.

T'Pau had taught him well how to manipulate logic. Amanda knew this firsthand. If not for this, she would never have had a chance with him. She may dislike T'Pau, but she owed much to the matriarch.

As loathe as he was to admit it, his _adun'a_ was correct. He had always toed the line between passion and logic. He was outwardly calm and logical- most definitely. He did not act if there was no logical reason at all. But there was so much more than meets the eye.

And now, he may not have his chance. He continued to stare at T'Shan for several long seconds before finally following her into the entrance hall.

He was apprehensive as he went into his office. He couldn't afford to lose the case. But the Federation's decision would be final.

"Ambassador Sarek," Mayden said when his face appeared on the communications console. "It's good to see you up and about. Just to let you know- the committee is willing to delay the rest of our dealings and complete it over a secure transmission."

"I will consider the transmission, Ambassador. It depends on what information you are contacting me with," Sarek said.

"Well, as for that..." Mayden gave a tired smile. "We argued all morning. Would've taken forever if it hadn't been for the Tellarite ambassador breaking the tie."

Sarek leaned forward. Mayden did not usually take so long to get to the point. Whatever the outcome had been, he had not liked it.

"Anyway...they eventually voted in Vulcan's favor. The letter you wrote outlining the reasons for an extradition was highly convincing."

Sarek tilted his head. "'They', Ambassador? Am I to understand that you voted against it?"

"I'm sorry, but it made no sense to me to turn it over to Vulcan authorities. He would get the same punishment either way. And the crime _did_ happen on Terran soil. Why do you want him extradited anyway?" Mayden frowned.

"For the reasons stated in the report, Ambassador," Sarek evaded.

"Well..." Mayden heaved a sigh. He looked unhappy. "After the proper documents are signed he will be transferred to Vulcan on an armed prison ship in three days. After that, he's none of our concern any more."

"Thank you, Ambassador," Sarek said, bowing his head. Mayden nodded in acknowledgment and then leaned forward grimly to sever the connection.

Staring at the blank screen, he felt...triumphant.

* * *

Sarek worked throughout the day and night. Amanda was disappointed when she awoke from her nap to find him working, as he'd said he had no work to do. But she understood. An extradition required a large amount of forms that must be completed and signed. After the numerous forms there was the correspondence between both the Terran and the Vulcan governments. Endless queries, guarantees of a fair trial, and plans to be made for the transport. The work steadied him, kept his mind clear.

He left his office only to meditate when the first red streaks of dawn appeared on the eastern horizon. After a small breakfast he returned.

When Amanda rose in the morning he found that she was no longer as tired- but she was again disappointed because he had never come to bed, nor would he join her for breakfast. He did not even have the time to be apologetic. They could have a proper reunion when he was finished and everything was set into motion.

She stopped by when she was done eating to inform him that she was leaving to try to talk to her sister. He paused long enough to meet her in the _ozh'esta_, transmitting calm and reassurance to her.

"Will you join me for dinner at least?" she asked hopefully.

"I can make no guarantees, Amanda," he said. "If I am done, then I will."

She sighed but smiled and kissed him quickly on the lips before turning to leave. She understood, but he knew she also missed him. He thought it odd that she missed him when he was right here...but that was unmistakably the emotion he felt from her. After all, he would not always be so occupied.

Perhaps he was becoming too consumed by his work, but he pushed the thought away. This was not an obsession- it was his duty. At least he told himself so.

Amanda had been nervous when she left. To his understanding, it was difficult for humans to shelve their pride and admit their mistakes to one another. He kept the bond fully open so he may keep track of what was happening and send her encouragement when she needed it.

But midway through writing a report on the extradition to the High Council, there was an explosion of emotion within him.

Sorrow. Pain. Grief. And yet...mingled with understanding. He knew by the heavy feeling in his chest that whatever his wife's intentions had been when she left to visit Sarah, it had not gone as planned.

* * *

When she came home he was waiting for her in the entrance hall. He had abandoned his work for the time being...she needed him. She'd called out to him silently, perhaps even unknowingly. It was his duty to be there for his bond mate it times of distress. This duty overshadowed all others.

Upon seeing the expression on her face, he knew he had been right to wait for her there.

"Show me," he said quietly. She stood in the doorway for a moment, biting her lip in an attempt to keep her tears at bay. She did not move, so he went forward- taking her hand and drawing her away. He led her up the staircase, to the bedroom, where he sat her in a chair and knelt before her, her cool hands in his. She had not spoken a word, and he did not know how much longer he could bear this silence. "May I meld with you?" he asked. She had said once before that speaking about her pain helped. Perhaps so would sharing it. Their last meld had not ended favorably...but they were better now. Pon Farr, while really not all that long ago, was a distant memory to them both now.

She hesitated, then nodded in agreement, and he brushed his fingers against her temple. At the same time, they both closed their eyes and he entered her mind.

Immediately he was pulled into her torment. Surrounded by the thunderclouds and muted shades of gray and black and...red. So different.

It had been so long since he had been here. It was not as he remembered; alien and yet familiar, with pleasant but entangled uncontrolled thoughts and unbridled emotions. It was now stormy and tumultuous, filled with hurt and sadness and soul-wrenching, overwhelming guilt. The human mind lacked organization; it was a jumble of sensations, memories, and half-formed ideas. It was tumultuous even in the best of times. Now, it was utter chaos.

At the moment the prevailing emotions were negative. She was hurting. She blamed herself. She wished she had listened to him sooner. She had ruined everything, and now they would never be the same...

_"You lack the experience necessary to control the flux of memories. Do I have your permission to delve into them myself?"_ he asked. _"If I do so, any and all are subject to my inspection until I find the ones I seek."_

_"I trust you, Sarek,"_ her inner voice responded, echoing inside his mind and accompanied by a surge of confidence. He took this to mean he had permission and sought out the portion of her brain that contained memories. He braced himself against the flood of her emotions and began to go through her memories one by one, to discover the source of her unhappiness.

The oldest memories were shown to him first.

_Amanda was so young...a child of perhaps two or three. She was giggling, a large man picking her up and spinning her around. There was a faint impression of sensations and half-formed thoughts...weightlessness, happiness, comfort. __**Daddy**_._ This was her father. _

_ She looked over, still laughing as she spotted a woman walking toward them- he only caught a brief glimpse of her- a flash of brown hair, a large belly swollen in pregnancy._

He moved forward, the images blurring by him, flitting through her mind as he searched. Then he paused again.

_Amanda was looking up at a woman who looked remarkably like she and Sarah, sitting beside the man with familiar dark brown eyes and a wide smile. It was her sixth birthday and they were holding a celebration, complete with a sweet food item called "cake" with lit candles on top. _

_ "Blow them all out, Amanda!" the woman said with a sweet, very familiar smile. Her father joined in with cries of "Come on, Mandy! You can do it!"_

_ Amanda did so, the candles quickly extinguished. No sooner had she done so than a girl younger than she stuck her whole hand into the middle of the cake._

_ "Sarah!" Amanda said angrily, swatting the girl's arm. Sarah began to cry, her face crumpling as she held her hand. He felt Amanda's regret as she hugged the toddler. _

_ "It's okay, I was just mad. But **you** have to eat the part you stuck your hand in. Ew- germs!"_

Her parents laughed, and the image faded away.

The images blurred past faster this time, and he only caught fleeting impressions- hide and seek, playing with dolls and giggling as they watched their father hunt for the PADD they had hidden from him in the closet. Clumsily using med-kits to mend her younger sister's scratches and bruises whenever she fell out of the old tree in the back yard...

When he stopped, he felt a jolt of surprise from Amanda, who was observing these memories as well...and this one was not one she liked to dwell on. He felt her struggle against him and instantly his voice spoke through...

_**Calm, Amanda. I will not hurt you. We must see this. It is important...Peace...be still... **_He could feel her tense against him, and then relax as she allowed the memory to pour forth...

_"Mandy...Your father's not coming back," her mother said, struggling not to cry. "The hover-car...the brakes..." She was unable to continue, breaking down before her daughter, covering her face with her hands. _

_ Amanda felt grief well up within her. They had fought that day, mere hours before the accident. She'd wanted to go on the school trip to Italy with her friends. Her father had responded by saying they couldn't afford it. Like a typical thirteen-year-old, she'd screamed how it wasn't fair and that she would always hate him. Now he was gone, and it was too late to take back those words._

_ From that day forward, she told everyone to stop calling her Mandy. That had been **his** name for her. It would die with him._

_ It turned out that he had been on his way to borrow credits from his brother to pay for the trip._

Sarek withdrew from the memory, moving on without comment. Amanda said nothing...but he felt her sadness. This was an old wound for her...she had come to terms with it years before, but that did not mean it wasn't still painful.

The scene before him began to move out of focus and change until Sarek found himself observing her running. He could not figure out as to what was going on until she stopped moving and he could now observe once again...

_She was running down the corridor, skidding to a halt at the entrance to the hospital room. She was out of breath as she entered to find Sarah sitting in a chair beside a biobed. _

_ "You're just in time," Sarah said, her voice hoarse as she turned away. Amanda moved forward, looking at the unconscious figure laying before them. Their mother- once a lively, beautiful woman full of vibrancy lay there, connected to machines that struggled to keep her alive. The illness had taken her over long ago...there had been no cure for it. She was skeletal thin, her hair streaked prematurely with gray. She was nothing like the woman they remembered from their childhood._

_ Her mother had known it was coming to this. When Amanda came home for her first college winter break, she had said her goodbyes. She'd given her the red heirloom box passed down in their family from mother to oldest daughter for three centuries. When Amanda protested, her mother had interrupted._

_ "You know as well as I do that I won't be here long," she'd scolded. "Don't you dare pretend otherwise. Besides...dying won't be all that bad. I haven't been alive since your father died."_

_ "Mom..." Amanda tried to speak, but Evelyn Grayson wasn't going to have it._

_ "When I'm gone, you know you'll have to take care of Sarah. She's going to stay with a friend until college, but you have to make sure she goes. And always be there for her. Family is the most important thing, Amanda Grayson. And when I'm gone, you'll only have each other. Promise me you'll stick together, all right? No matter what?"_

_ "I promise, mom," Amanda whispered._

_ And now, outside the memory within the memory...Amanda gazed on as the doctor slowly disconnected the machines. Before her condition worsened, her mother had signed a release form...she was to be kept on life support only long enough for her daughters to be at her side. _

_ Amanda and Sarah stood opposite each other, each holding one of their mother's hands as her last breath left her. The hospital room was silent, until they both began to cry. They were alone._

Sarek once more passed on without comment. And then he finally found what he had been looking for...

_"Sarah, come on. Let me in." She leaned against the door, the Vulcan guards looking on. She could feel their eyes on her and she wanted to snap at them- tell them to go away. But she didn't. Instead she heard the bitterness in her sister's voice come through muffled, yet clear from the other side of the door._

_ "Why should I? You don't believe a word I say, remember? I'm some crazed psycho with a vendetta against your husband. I **wanted** him dead, remember?" Sarah spat._

_ "Please let me in so we can talk about this. Sarah, I've been thinking-"_

_ "And I should accept whatever you have to say after everything you said last night?" Sarah scoffed. "I said I was sorry. I explained that I didn't know what I was getting into. That I didn't even want to be there. You just brushed it off. You weren't willing to forgive me last night, and that hurt- almost as much as you abandoning me did. I don't want to hear anything you have to say."_

_ "Sarah..." Amanda sighed. "Please. I want to make things right."_

_ The door opened abruptly. Sarah stood in the doorway, glaring at her. _

_ "**You** want to make things right? Too bad. You've already screwed up. We both have, I know- but when **I** tried to make things right you refused. This isn't going to go by your terms any more, Amanda. You didn't forgive me, so I'm not going to forgive you. I'm not a little kid any more. I can take care of myself. You can consider your promise to mom void."_

_ "What promise?" Amanda asked._

_ "You know what promise I'm talking about. I was standing just outside the door when she made you promise to stick with me, to take care of me and make sure I went to college. I heard it all. Well guess what, big sis? You failed. Completely and utterly. I didn't want to say that to you before- but it's true. You didn't keep that promise the day you left for Vulcan without a backwards glance. You didn't give a crap about me then, so don't worry about me any more- at all. Go on about your life, and I'll go on about mine. **Without** you."_

_ The door was slammed shut in her face, and Amanda was full of emotion. Sorrow. Pain. Grief. But it was mingled with understanding. She understood why Sarah didn't want to see her. She had failed._

The memory was gone, and now Amanda was filled with sorrow again. For a moment, Sarek let it wash over him. This was partly his fault, after all...he had let her go. He could have- _should_ have- stopped her. He could not take full blame, as he was not the one to speak the harsh words either sister had spoken...but he could have prevented it, or at least tried harder to do so.

Amanda was still in pain, her thoughts crowding his mind. Sarah was right...she had failed in keeping that promise. She'd let them drift apart. She had abandoned her, the last of her family...they'd only had each other. She had been irredeemably selfish...they both had been.

Sarek soothed her, sending her peace and love. He had no words...because he knew Sarah had been right. Amanda knew it too, and those words would not help her.

Once she was sufficiently calm he withdrew from the meld. Tears fell from her eyes, wetting her cheeks, and he wiped them away.

"I didn't forget the promise, Sarek. That's the worst part. I guess I thought it just didn't matter after awhile. Sarah was an adult, coping on her own...I just wanted to go my own way and not have to worry about her. What kind of horrible person am I to leave her here the way I did? So abruptly and heartlessly? My parents would have been disappointed, ashamed even. That's what kept me awake last night- knowing I'd failed them. That I failed _her_. Now she wants nothing to do with me at all, and I can't blame her. I wouldn't want to know me either."

He listened in silence, rubbing her arms soothingly. She stopped the movements, clutching onto his tunic. He looked up at her, black eyes meeting brown.

"She's never going to forgive me, is she?" she asked quietly. "I already forgave her. Maybe I shouldn't have quite so soon...she'd heard rumors about a possible plot but didn't believe them. So she didn't act. That's why I got so mad at her. But how could she have known? And she obviously regretted it. If you can't change the mistakes, you should at least be able to be forgiven for them."

"There is a human saying...'time heals all wounds'. It will take time, my _adun'a_. But she cannot stay angry forever," he replied. "She will see the error of her ways, just as you did. You have both failed each other."

Amanda's smile was weak, but it was a start. He squeezed her hands.

"I love you," she whispered, leaning forward to press her forehead against his. He kissed her gently, tasting the salt of her tears.

"You have told me this before," he replied. Her smile widened, the spark beginning to return to her eyes. She leaned closer, kissing him again. The kiss deepened, and he knew what she needed. She needed to think of something other than what had happened. She needed a distraction...and although he still had much work to do, and he was technically still recovering, he would provide it.

He gathered her into his arms and took her to bed.

**A/N: As you can see, I haven't been updating as frequently. But I'm still here! **

**This story is winding down now...I think there will be several more chapters yet, to tie up loose ends and such...since this is getting so long I decided to split the story at that point. When this one ends, I will skip ahead a year or so, to when they decide to have a baby...so Spock will eventually arrive!**

**If you missed the author's note I added at the end of the last chapter and are at all interested in Spock/Uhura, I have started a new S/U story. It's called "Inhibitions" and you should check it out :)**


	52. Answers

**A/N: Just to warn you...Sarek is NOT a pacifist in this chapter. This is a dark one. Just to let you know before you start flaming me.**

**Chapter 52: Answers**

The day after the meld Sarek completed the necessary forms, setting the extradition officially into motion. He spent the next three days with Amanda, giving her more "therapy" as she had taken to calling it- which included physical activities as well as a constantly-open link through which he sent her peace and affection. Even her current emotional state did not seem to hamper her sex drive. He did not complain of course. She needed distraction and it would be illogical to protest.

He had been illogically relieved when they left Earth. Now they were back on Vulcan. They were home.

And soon he would administer the meld on the Purist. This thought occurred to him many times a day now...and he found he looked forward to it.

The humans believed Vulcans to be pacifists, and while that designation was...fitting...it was not entirely true. Very few beings knew how to incite anger in their species. And two of the ways guaranteed to test a Vulcan's temper were to threaten either their spouse or their offspring. The Purist had done one...and he would suffer for it. Sarek would see to it personally.

The man would regret what he had done- or attempted to do. Sarek would make sure of that. He would pay for almost killing him- pay for almost leaving Amanda heartbroken and bereft. Sarek could not imagine the pain she would have endured at his sudden passing. It should not be that way- she was not supposed to ever have to endure his death. That was _his_ lot in life- his payment for choosing a human wife. It was inevitable that she die before he did. The thought was extremely unpleasant, but true- something he had thought much about the last week. He was comforted by the fact that he estimated he had at least another seventy to eighty years with her, according to the current average human life span.

The High Council scheduled the meld for two days after the Purist's arrival on Vulcan- and they selected Sarek to perform it. He had already known they would, as it was his duty as ambassador between their respective planets. He could have delegated the task to a lower-ranking official, but of course he did not even contemplate the possibility.

* * *

On the morning indicated, he rose earlier than normal to begin his routine. Amanda was still asleep when he returned from exercising and meditating, and as he changed from his cloth pants into a tunic and trousers he looked over at her. Her chestnut hair was fanned around her shoulders, spread on the pillow like a gleaming crown. Her face was still, so peaceful and lovely...the sheets barely covered her nude body, outlining the soft curves of her figure as she turned over, stretching her arm across the empty space he had occupied two hours before.

He felt the desire to rejoin her but knew he could not. Not today. Today was too important- too much hung in the balance. What he must do was partly to preserve her safety. As much as he wanted to awaken her, to feel her cool arms around him and see her gentle, sleepy smile...he couldn't.

When he returned he would indulge in the whim...and if she was already awake he would just have to take her back to bed.

Fully dressed, he turned to go. He was determined. He was prepared for what he must do. It was his duty- and his right- to confront the man. To protect his wife, himself, and his people.

It took ten minutes to reach the Shi'Kahr prison. It was a tall structure- much like the ones around it; with sharp, jutting spires and built from pale red stone. Archaic beauty mixed with modern security with the metal posts standing every twenty feet around the perimeter- the posts connected an invisible force field that surrounded the building.

Most of the prison's occupants were outworlders who had been caught in Vulcan's jurisdiction for various crimes. But there were Vulcans of passion there as well- those who rejected the teachings of Surak and engaged in barbaric behavior. There were a few Vulcans of logic, but they made up an extremely small contingent of those held behind the stone walls. He did not focus on the others as he walked toward the building. His mind was set on a single target.

When he entered the spacious hall, he was greeted by Ambassador Woods.

"Ambassador Sarek!" he said, grinning. "I came to see the meld."

"Your presence is unnecessary," Sarek said curtly, already feeling the annoyance creep upon him. "There is not much to see during a meld."

"Well, as the Terran ambassador I thought it best to be here anyway."

"That is your choice," Sarek replied as he walked off briskly, the ambassador trailing behind him and almost running to keep up with his long stride. It did not matter. Woods' presence would not hinder the meld. The only drawback was that it was an irritant to him.

A guard approached them and bowed slightly to Sarek.

"_Osu _Sarek, the prisoner awaits in a chamber off the hall. He has been prepared."

"Very well," Sarek said, his sense of determination strengthening further as he looked over the guard's shoulder toward the corridor beyond. "It may be best if you keep Ambassador Woods outside. He is not familiar with forced melds."

"Now wait a minute..." Woods said, frowning. "I think I should be in the chamber too. I'm here representing him and it's my job to make sure-"

"Ambassador, forced mind melds are unpleasant," Sarek said, cutting him off as he placed his hands behind his back. "There is a possibility he will give me permission and allow me to explore his mind without resistance...however, given his past behavior I find that highly unlikely."

"What do you mean, they're unpleasant?" Woods asked suspiciously.

"Exactly what I said, Ambassador," Sarek replied grimly. He nodded once to the guard, who led them down the corridor. Their boots echoed in the confined space, the stone floors and walls reverberating the sounds back to them. Other than that, they were silent. Sarek could see with his peripheral vision as Woods frowned deeply, regarding him. He ignored the human entirely.

It was strange that Amanda was the only human he could tolerate, aside from Ambassador Mayden. Or perhaps not so strange. Mayden was a seasoned diplomat and had dealt with Vulcans for years- he understood their ways to a higher degree than most humans. Unlike Woods, he knew how to address Sarek without offending him. _He_ should have been the ambassador to Vulcan, not the man walking beside Sarek.

And Amanda...well, there was no mystery as to why he could tolerate her more than the others. She had her moments when her tender age shone through- and not always in a positive way- but she was just...Amanda. She was no different from the other humans, yet there was still something about her that was...different.

He hoped Woods would not attempt to make this task difficult. But judging by his frown and furrowed brow, Sarek knew he would try to make trouble. If his conscience would allow him to he would administer a nerve pinch. But that would be unethical.

They stopped outside a heavy metal door. The guard stepped forward to stand beside it but Woods stayed rooted to the spot.

"Ambassador, I really do think I should-"

"I really think you should not," Sarek replied stonily. "Ambassador Woods, I must ask you one last time. Stay outside."

It was not so much a request as an order- and although he seemed miffed, Woods complied. He stood beside the Vulcan guard, his arms folded over his chest as he leaned against the wall and continued to scowl.

Sarek pulled open the door and entered. It swung shut slowly behind him and when it finally closed the thud echoed around the small chamber, startling the Purist.

He was sitting in a chair, separated from Sarek by a long metal table. His hands and ankles were restrained by metal clasps attached to the chair, and he wore the gray tunic and pants that were standard issue for prisoners on Vulcan. He looked tired and worn, his dark hair filthy and lank as it fell into his eyes.

But what startled Sarek was how young he was. He could not be much older than Amanda...it was a pity. He had thrown his life away. There was no way he would ever leave this prison. Why must the young make so many mistakes? He wondered. Was their ignorance truly so great?

"You." The man- no, he was a boy. This was no man. The _boy_ glared at Sarek. His eyes were full of menace, his voice dripping in poison. "You're alive. They wouldn't tell me if you died or not."

His voice was full of disappointment. Sarek felt a strange sense of satisfaction at being the one to inform his assailant that he was, indeed, quite alive.

"I am," Sarek said evenly. He clasped his hands behind his back and walked slowly around the metal table separating them. "Your profile says your name is Jacob Fenley."

"That's right," the boy sneered, shaking his hair out of his eyes. "That was my given name. But my _real_ name is Salvation! Avenger! Redemption! Take your pick. It doesn't matter if you didn't die- I made my point! You're not wanted on Earth you demon! There is no place there for the right-hands of Satan!"

Sarek's eyebrows rose. A religious fanatic. Fascinating.

"An interesting speech, Mr. Fenley," Sarek replied coolly. "Yet I do not understand. It is apparent that you uphold Christian beliefs. But how is murder a way to salvation? Is murder not one the sins your ten commandments forbid?"

"How would you know?" the boy hissed.

"Terran theology is one of the many subjects taught to Vulcan children," Sarek replied.

"Sometimes one has to commit sins to prevent the biggest sins of all- God will forgive me!" His voice was rising, echoing around the chamber.

"That, I believe, is between you and this 'God'," he replied coldly. "Not between you and I, Mr. Fenley. Your reasons matter little to me."

"How did you survive? Did the devil save you?" The boy spat the words. He was straining against his restraints, but they were strong. He was glaring at Sarek with palpable loathing. And just as quickly, Sarek was beginning to tire of his tirade. Slowly but surely...his rage began to surface again...and he knew that soon...so, so soon...he would be able to unleash it.

"That is none of your concern," Sarek said as he stepped forward. The boy recoiled. "I have come for one purpose only and it is not to hear your justifications. This will be much more pleasant for you if you give me your permission for the mind meld."

"Mind meld!" he shrieked. "No! Never! You're not going to enter my mind and spread your evil! I am a devout worshiper of God and I will not let the devil in!"

This really was becoming quite tiresome, and Sarek felt the irritation building up within him.

"Regardless, I must. It is required of all prisoners on Vulcan to undergo a meld- whether permission is granted by you or not, I will do it."

Sarek moved closer to the boy, his height towering above the Purist and his entire countenance now dark with barely leashed rage. He leaned down so that he was eye-to-eye with him, and in a much lower tone- so that no one but the intended could hear him- he spoke again.

"I thank you for the rejection. This will hurt. Badly."

"Stay away from me!" the boy barked, shrinking away as much as he could as Sarek lifted a hand. The boy struggled, turning his head this way and that as Sarek's long fingers found the meld points.

It was the second meld Sarek had conducted in a week. But this one would be different...the meld with Amanda had been done out of love, out of concern for her welfare and a desire to comfort her. But this one...

It was for anger.

He was anything but gentle as he forced his way into the Purist's mind- his own fury manifesting in a dark cloud that pushed against the resistance the human put up with little difficulty. He did not ease his presence in. He overtook the mind completely and utterly, dominating it.

There was a wave of hatred from the human- so much of it. Great rolls of loathing and fear, accompanied by insults and condemnations.

But it was no match for the anger Sarek held within him. Vulcan emotions ran strong and deep- much deeper than in humans. The anger he now poured into the weak human mind filled it, lancing against sensitive nerve endings. He knew the end result of this...but found he did not at the moment care.

_"Get out!"_ The human cried inside his mind. _"Get out, instrument of the dark lord!"_

Sarek did not answer. He began to delve deeper into the mind of the one who tried to kill him...Instead of the gentle turns of memories, Sarek tore into his, shredding each and every one he came across until he found what he wanted.

He had told the truth when he told Woods that forced melds were unpleasant. The deeper into the mind he went, the more the Purist struggled- and the more pain resulted from it. Physical pain. He could dimly hear the boy screaming, and the sound resonating in the chamber.

He pushed. The human pushed back. They were locked in a mental battle, fury against hatred, Vulcan against human. The victim had become the attacker- the attacker had become the victim. They drowned in emotion, fighting against the onslaught- but Sarek was Vulcan.

He reached inside the human mind, finding the correct pain receptors...and he began to press each one- causing the boy to howl aloud in agony.

Outside the chamber, Ambassador Woods struggled to see into the room. Two large Vulcan guards blocked his path. The sound of the agonized screams leaked out of the solid steel doors.

"What is he doing? Sarek! Sarek! Why aren't you all doing something?! Stop this! I demand it!"

Woods' pleas fell on deaf ears as the guards continued on in their silent sentinel.

Inside the chamber the human struggled frantically against his chains. The clang of steel against steel bounced off the walls as he fought against the force invading his mind. Mental protests fell on darkness and soon- even the physical struggles ceased. His concentration weakened, and Sarek finally had access to the part of the human brain he wanted. He had won. He was stronger- he was better. He was Vulcan.

Memories flashed by- thoughts and sensations and emotions. They tumbled, joining and running together- as inseparable as the images whirring by. But there was one emotion rearing forth, dominating the others. Hatred.

He had never felt so much hatred in his life. Even now, he did not hate the human whose mind he invaded- he was furious, but he did not hate. Hatred was truly a human emotion, and he had never even imagined such depths of it were possible. The alien emotion rolled over him- coursing through his body, his veins, his blood boiling with it...

_Jacob Fenley was full of hostility- he was dangerous long before Sarek came along._

_He had always hated those non-Terrans. They simply weren't __**right**__. They were not created in the image of the Lord. They must have been created by the devil himself...they were so strange. Too strange. They were different. They were not to be trusted. They were evil. But none- __**none**__- were as evil as the progeny of Satan himself: Vulcans._

_ His parents nursed this hatred. They told him the truth. That Vulcans were the evil force which true believers must fight against- must overcome. They had come to Earth to stalk their prey, and one day they would leap- attack- invade...the innocent, the faithful, would be slaughtered...Good must prevail, not evil. _

_ At first it was just fun. He and his friends painted insults on buildings, and smashed in windows of Vulcan homes and businesses. It was juvenile- but it was only practice for what was to come. _

_ He did nothing more than that until one night...the night he decided he simply couldn't do nothing anymore. Something must be done. A Vulcan was now dating a human- it was disgusting, irredeemable. It must be put to an end- __**Vulcans**__ must be put to an end._

_ It started with the Vulcan student._

_ Jacob and the same group of friends who had been with him since high school were __walking along an alleyway outside a hotel- drinking, laughing, talking. Having an innocent good time. Then Jacob looked up- and saw __**him**__. _

_ He pointed the Vulcan out to his friends and identical mischievous grins spread on their faces- eyes gleaming wickedly. They stepped forward, cornering the Vulcan so there was no chance of escape. He had been using the alleyway as a shortcut- a mistake he would regret. _

_ He put up a fight. Jacob ended up with a cut lip, but it was he who finally brought the Vulcan to his knees with a well-placed punch in the stomach. They surrounded him- kicking, punching- but the Vulcan was silent. He said not a word as they beat him. _

_ Each blow felt good. He felt powerful. This was one of the most evil beings in existence. He deserved this._

_ They heard shouts and looked up. Policemen were running toward them. Jacob and the others turned, fleeing- only one of them were not fast enough and was caught. But it didn't matter. The Vulcan was dead, his abnormal green blood trickling onto the dirty pavement. _

_ He had not intended for the Vulcan to die- only to be hurt. But this was even better. It gave him a sense of power- a sense of purpose. He had done right. He had saved his people from one of their enemies. It motivated him. He joined the Purist Movement. He volunteered himself for the greatest task he could ever imagine._

Sarek felt deep disgust. So pointless. The death need not have occurred. It was motivated only by hate...he simply did not understand it. How could they hate someone so much? It saddened him. It infuriated him. What made it worse was that this human seemed to believe he was justified. He fundamentally believed he was doing good for his people. Illogical.

He continued to rip through memories, searching for what he needed...it was not long before he found it.

_He watched through the killer's eyes as he left the hover-car, walking past the protesters. Heard his thoughts- felt that same hatred welling up inside him. Unjustifiable hatred. _

_ The Purist believed he was saving his people- sacrificing himself to save his people like the Terran Jesus. He thought he was putting an end to the Vulcan alliance- to the threat to Earth._

_ Sarek saw him leap forward, ducking phaserfire- plunging the tip of the flag pole into his chest. As he saw this, he remembered his own pain- spreading throughout his chest, felt the blood seeping through his tunic. He remembered his last conscious thought before blacking out- he must reassure Amanda..._

_**"She shouldn't have been with a Vulcan, then!"**_ Came a sneering voice inside his head. The Purist had heard these thoughts. He had undoubtedly also seen the image that flashed through Sarek's mind- an image of Amanda smiling, brown eyes sparkling as she caressed his cheek and he felt her love fill him...he did not want him to see this. It was one of the many memories of her Sarek cherished- it was for _him_ only. The fact that the human had seen it infuriated him even further.

_"That is none of your concern, __**Murderer**__," _Sarek replied icily.

_"Only a whore would stoop so low as to be with you,"_ the human countered.

That was too much. Rage filled Sarek once more. He knew it was unethical- it was unnecessary. He shouldn't have done it. But how _dare_ this human insult his wife?

He attacked him- now raising his other hand so that he held the human's face with both and pressed harder, deeper. He once again found the pain receptors and with a force he knew the simple human mind could not tolerate, unleashed the full extent of his anger- causing the Purist to jerk violently in the chair- his head snapping back as a primal scream tore from his throat, filling the room. Sarek felt...satisfaction.

_"__**Never**__ insult my wife. She is a better being than you could ever hope to be,"_ Sarek said. _"Be careful, Human. A Vulcan's rage is far more dangerous than yours. I could render you permanently unconscious while I am here. I could kill you. But I will not- because it would be too peaceful a punishment for you. You deserve to waste away in prison. For attempting to kill me- and for murdering an innocent youth. You disgust me. I pity you for your ignorance and insignificant life spent hating what you do not understand. You have not helped your race- you have only showed them how terrible, how inhumane their own kind can be. You are the worst example of a Terran I have ever seen- and you have failed in your quest to 'save' your people."_

The Purist sent him another wave of loathing. Sarek could not tolerate it much longer. It was urging him to act- to kill...if he did not finish his task soon, he would give in to that desire.

He delved once more into the memories- and found the information he sought. The Terran Purist Movement. Meetings held to rant and rave against non-Terrans. Boasting about what they had done to move their cause forward- laughing and joking at each other's cruel stories...there were serious crimes among them. Murder. Assault. And he had names to match the crimes. Evidence.

Then he found the final piece. The one that would undo them all.

The leader.

The newfound information caused Sarek to abruptly withdraw from the meld- fresh anger erupting within him. The boy's head hung down, his body slumped limply in the chair- sweating and shaking, his eyes glassy. He was almost catatonic. But Sarek's attention was no longer on him.

His movements were swift. Precise. None of the previous rage manifested. He was, at least physically, as he had been before. His face set in its solid, emotionless mask.

He turned around. He was done here. He had proven to the boy a Vulcan's wrath- he had won. He had the information he sought. Information that would end _them_.

The door slammed against the wall as he strode through it- the sound echoing in the corridor.

"What the hell was going on in there?" Woods asked angrily, hurrying to his side. "I heard screaming! Torture isn't condoned by Terrans, and I doubt it is by the Vulcan High Council! Just what are you playing at, Ambassador?"

Before he could even point an angry finger, he found himself being restrained by one of the guards. But Sarek barely noticed and did not care as he turned abruptly to face the red-faced man who was visibly shaking in the grip of the guard.

"Ambassador Woods, contact your government. I will go to the Vulcan High Council. I have information on the Purist Movement."

"What kind of information?" Woods asked suspiciously as the guard finally released him.

"I will disclose it in the report I make to Federation. You will know then," Sarek said, walking past him. "You need only to inform them to expect it."

"This isn't over, Sarek!" Woods shouted after him. "I knew they shouldn't have let you do it! I know you tortured him- and I'm going to inform the Council of your actions!"

Sarek ignored him. He left the prison, fresh fury coursing through him...tinged with betrayal. This must be how Amanda felt when she found out her sister was involved...

He had much work to do. Reports to write. And in light of the new revelations...it would take a long time to complete it.

* * *

It was nighttime when he finally returned home.

The difficult meld had left him tired. Empty. It had taken a lot of energy to battle the human and extract the information, and at the moment he wanted nothing more than to see Amanda. To hold her close to him, to let her ease away his disturbance. To sleep for hours in her arms.

Now _he_ was the one in need of comfort.

He found her in their bedchamber, sitting on the bed with her back against the headboard as she read a PADD. She looked up when he entered.

"Hey," she said softly, setting the PADD aside. "The link's been closed all day. I was wondering when you would be home."

"I had much work to do," he said bitterly, pulling off his boots. He did not even bother to change out of his clothes as he sat on the bed, exhausted.

"Is there something bothering you?" she asked, reaching out to rub his shoulders. His eyes slipped closed.

"It is nothing," he said. He felt her open the link and although it may not have been a good idea, he let her in.

"Sarek, what's wrong?" she asked, concerned.

"So much hatred," he murmured.

"What?" she asked.

"In the meld...how can humans use hatred as an excuse for their actions? I have never felt so much hatred in a being, Amanda...hatred towards me, towards Vulcans, towards life in general. It has left me...confused. The meld has drained me."

She applied pressure to his shoulders, pulling him backward so his head rested on her lap. She began to stroke his hair, running her fingers through the strands and caressing his ears and cheeks.

"Hatred is one of our strongest emotions," she said gently. "I can see why Vulcans are unfamiliar with it. It's even more illogical than love. It's born of anger and ignorance- a dangerous combination."

"He believed himself to be on a religious mission," Sarek said. "I could have died because of hatred, and you would have been left here. Alone. In pain."

His eyes closed and she continued to stroke his cheeks, sending him love over their bond. There was no hate here. It was comforting, soothing. She was only full of warm emotions.

He used to wonder why he felt such a strong emotional attachment to her. Now he knew why. She accepted him. She loved him. Even when she was in pain herself, she was comforting him.

"It's the least I can do, Sarek. You've done so much for me," she said, hearing these thoughts. "There's no need to dwell on what happened in the meld. You have me, I won't let you feel this way."

He opened his eyes and looked up at her. She was looking down at him, her eyes soft. He reached up to touch her cheek.

"My _adun'a_," he whispered. She smiled, cupping his face in her hands.

"Yes, I am," she said. "And don't you forget it."

He sat up, moving to sit beside her and pulling her against him. She snuggled closer, resting her cheek against his chest.

"Did you accomplish what you wanted to?" she asked.

Sarek was not sure he had made the Purist regret his actions. But that could not be expected of someone brainwashed into believing Vulcans are evil. But as for the information on the Purists...

"I did," he said, tilting her chin so he could see her face. "Amanda, how is it that someone who can appear to be understanding and accepting turn out to be someone entirely different?"

"What do you mean?" she asked. "Who was the leader?"

Sarek, for once in his life, allowed himself to indulge in a sigh as he leaned his head back, drawing her even closer to him as he replied.

"Ambassador Mayden."

"_Him_?" she asked, surprised. "But he's the only human ambassador you get along with."

"He appears to have been an excellent pretender," Sarek replied. "I have informed the Council. There will be a secondary meld performed by another Vulcan to ascertain the validity, and then I assume an arrest will be made. He knew of the assassination and planned the protests for that purpose. That is aiding and abetting."

"How do you feel about this?" she asked, lacing her fingers through his and squeezing gently. Normally he would argue that he did not 'feel' on the matter. But not tonight. He was tired. She would not judge him for feeling- he knew that by now.

"Betrayed," he replied. "I have worked with him for some time. Sat in the same room as him. I can see it now, of course- it was he who contacted me about the matter and 'warned' me of the assassination plot. He voted against the extradition, likely because he knows of the meld law. He knew he might be found out. The entire organization is full of criminals, Amanda. I have their names and crimes. I may have put dozens of people in prison today."

"They're just going to take your word for it?" she asked.

"Vulcans do not lie," he reminded her. "I have filed an official report and can testify. It is...over. The main body of the Movement will be gone. I have completed my duty."

"And yet?" she asked, sensing there was more.

"I have realized for the first time that there will always be those so full of hate. There will be others to take their place. And there will always be those opposed to us. You have chosen a difficult life by choosing me."

"I know this, Sarek," she said, pressing her head against him harder. "But don't let their ignorance bother you. _I_ don't hate you, and that's what matters."

"You are correct," he said. He closed his eyes. Of course he knew she did not hate him. She was sending the proof to him and it eased him. The warmth of her affection was chasing away the lingering negative effects of the meld which had bothered him all day. He knew he had acted violently- out of anger. He had reacted emotionally and unleashed it. Yet he did not regret it. Not yet...maybe never.

He was grateful for Amanda and showed it by kissing her tenderly. He felt her smile against his lips as he pulled her down and moved so she was beneath him.

He had told himself that morning he would indulge, after all...and he had much to be thankful for.

**A/N: I'm not sure yet if there's two more chapters left or three...I haven't decided. But this is almost over.**


	53. Dismay

**A/N: I know, I know...it's really short! It was originally twice as long but I need to rewrite the second half. I'll try to get it up tomorrow.**

**Chapter 53: Dismay**

It was over.

Sarek had his revenge- even if he disliked calling it that. The Purist had felt his fury- suffered his wrath. He was now sentenced to life imprisonment for an attack against a foreign dignitary. He would never leave the prison he was now committed to unless he were dead. While he was only one of so many others, it was a beginning. And while it had been a particularly difficult affair, Sarek felt no regret over it. Ambassador Mayden however, was another affair.

Of all the humans Sarek had encountered over the years, he genuinely valued Mayden. The man had become almost akin to a 'friend' as Sarek would allow otherwise, and the level of deceit disturbed him in a way he found disquieting.

Mayden was arrested two days after the meld. Sarek would never understand his motives. Why would he, a diplomat who seemed to be an ally of Vulcans, turn on Sarek and his people? Was it political? Or had he, like the Purist, nursed a lifelong hatred that had simply become easier to disguise with civility over the years? How had he managed to conceal it so well? How had he gotten away with everything up until then? It bothered Sarek to no end that Mayden had managed to head an underground speciesist organization- plan his murder- while all along serving as a trusted ambassador. He had been one of the senior diplomats in the field. Why risk throwing all his good work away? What purpose did it serve?

Sarek knew he would never know the full story. And he was not sure he _wanted_ to know any more. Some humans were so deceiving...he had met few honest ones. But then again- most of the Terrans he knew were politicians. Amanda often said they were the most duplicitous of the race, which was why she had first decided to teach him about her people in the first place. The end result of which he found most pleasing, because those lessons had resulted in them being married. It was odd how fate turned out. If one believed in "fate" anyway.

The others- the friends of the Purist who had committed other crimes- were being charged for them as well. Not all would be sentenced- after all, in most cases the only evidence was Sarek's word. While this should have been enough, Terran courts were strange. They demanded physical evidence. Perhaps if they were telepathic they would have a more accurate system. While Sarek did see the logic in material evidence, it was often difficult to find. The word of a Vulcan- who after all could not lie- _should_ have been enough for a conviction.

The Terran Purist Movement had been publicly condemned by the media, and members who were not arrested quickly disbanded for fear of prosecution. It was a large victory- but only one in a line of many that would surely come. Sarek was not fool enough to think he had won the war.

There would be others to replace them. This one group, though large in scope, was not the end. If anything, they were the beginning. Hate never died out; it was handed down from one generation to the next. It could be covered with civility and smiles...but it existed nonetheless.

Breaking out of his own thoughts, Sarek looked up at Amanda. She sat sideways in a chair across from him, her legs dangling over the arm in a rather unflattering seating position. A PADD rested against her knees and she bit the tip of her stylus in concentration.

There were many negative things in this universe...but there were a few good ones as well. A wife...a family. A promising future.

He did not think she knew yet. He would not tell her if she did not. The knowledge he contained was something she must discover for herself. But it filled him with deep satisfaction, comforted with the knowledge they had achieved something thought impossible...it gave him the peace he had searched for and not found while seeking to destroy those who had tried to destroy him. He felt a deep affection as he looked at her, knowing the secret she held...

"Sarek, what time is it?" Amanda asked without looking up.

"1600 hours," he replied. She sighed, setting her stylus aside and looking over at him.

"You leave in three hours," she said sadly.

"I will only be gone four days, Amanda," he replied. "It should not take long to settle affairs on Earth. The committee was very willing to rush negotiations in light of the situation with Mayden."

As always, when he mentioned Mayden's name a faint expression of disgust overcame her features. Her nose wrinkled slightly, the corners of her lips turning down as her eyebrows drew together.

"Mayden." She repeated the name bitterly before turning back to her PADD. "Still no word from the Council about the meld?"

"No, nor shall there be. They are well aware of the procedure with forced mind melds," he replied. "It is painful and extremely wearing on the human mind. Woods can do nothing."

"I'd still be careful if I were you. The Council may not do anything but he could make a mess out of things regardless."

"He has already made an attempt," Sarek said. She looked up at him again.

"What do you mean?" she asked warily.

"He has gone to the media, claiming I tortured the information out of my would-be assassin. There has been quite a negative stirring among Terrans due to these allegations."

"Sarek, why didn't you tell me?" she asked, frowning.

He did not want to worry her- for a good reason.

"It has not come up in conversation," he said instead.

"Well...I can't say he's entirely wrong," she muttered, once more looking back at her PADD. "You were a bit..._forceful_, from what you told me."

He had told Amanda the details of the meld. While she could not feel sorry for the Purist, she did maintain that Sarek had been careless in his methods and may suffer the consequences. He knew she was correct- but he still did not regret his actions. He couldn't. It had been necessary at first. In addition, the Purist had insulted her- and he could not stand for such a thing. She did not know that much- he had withheld it from her knowing she would be displeased.

"It does not matter what he does. The Council will vouch for me," Sarek said, leaning back in his own chair. "Woods has long been known as what humans call a 'joke' in the political arena. I would be amazed if he managed to get anyone to believe him."

Amanda smiled. "Why would they assign such an idiot to _Vulcan_ of all planets?"

"Perhaps they are secure in their belief that the Vulcan ambassador to Earth is adept enough to prevent large-scale crisis in interplanetary affairs," Sarek suggested. She laughed, shaking her head as she continued with her Vulcan translations. He was quite impressed by the speed with which she had progressed in his language- while not quite ready for conversations in Vulcan she was familiar with sentence structure and was learning more vocabulary by the day. He watched as she entered a series of glyphs into her PADD before she responded.

"Either you're full of yourself or you just made a joke."

"I am merely stating the facts," Sarek said. She rolled her eyes and sent him affection over the link.

* * *

Sarek did not particularly look forward to the meeting he must attend. But...it was only four days. Then he could return home.

Soon the Vulcan embassy would be finished and they could return to Earth- which would cut back considerably on the amount of traveling he must do. And while she seemed content on Vulcan, he knew Amanda would be happier on her home planet. It would be more conducive to her health as well.

He looked up from the bag he was packing as she exited the bathroom. She looked tired, her face drawn and pale as she moved to the bed and lay down gingerly, hugging her arms around a pillow and closing her eyes.

"Are you well?" he asked. She had been ill off and on for the last few days...

"I'm fine...just...you know."

"I do not know. You could mean many things," he said, raising his eyebrows as she cracked her eyes open to look at him.

"It's just...my cycle came this afternoon. It's heavier than normal and the cramps..." She broke off, blushing. "Never mind."

He froze in the middle of placing his sonic shaver in the bag and looked up at her. The embarrassed flush in her cheeks darkened.

"What? It's not like I don't have it every month. Stop looking at me like that."

He slowly set the shaver inside the bag. His heart was sinking.

"Amanda...I will call T'Ren," he said evenly. She laughed shortly.

"_Why_?" she asked incredulously. He looked down at the bag sitting on the foot of the bed, trying to quell the assault of emotions fighting to overtake him. She truly did not know, then. Part of him had believed she knew and simply had not told him yet.

"It's just my monthly cycle, Sarek. Nothing worthy of a physician's attention. I know Vulcan women don't have them, but really- they're quite normal for human women."

"Amanda...it is not that. Do you not recall the last time you had one?"

She thought silently for a moment. "You know, I'm not sure. A lot has happened the last few weeks. I lost track. Why?" She sat up, looking at him confusedly. He took a deep breath.

"It started six weeks and four days ago."

"So?" she asked, but he could see the dawning comprehension on her face, as well as a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that was not his.

"You have also been ill," he pointed out quietly. She turned her body away from him and as he watched, she seemed to curl up into a ball.

"I'm sure it's not what you're thinking. You said it was impossible." Her voice was muffled, and Sarek felt a wave of hurt wash over him- hers.

"I said I thought it was impossible- I was not certain. I will call T'Ren. It may not be too late."

She looked like she was about to cry as he left the room. As he walked down to his study he pondered what could possibly be happening.

His trip to Earth had just been canceled.

**A/N: One more chapter after this, and then the epilogue. **


	54. Snapped

**A/N: LadyFangs says this one made her tear up...so be warned :(**

**One of my reviewers said something along the lines of I'm not going the scientific route...but as you will see in this chapter, I am. Everything T'Ren says in regards to Vulcan-human hybrids is true. In fact, it came from Roddenberry himself (which means it is the ultimate canon and I bow down to it. Sort of). While it IS true that Amanda can conceive- the baby will not survive beyond a certain point without genetic manipulation. Which means they will have to have scientific intervention to have Spock. Roddenberry and Leonard Nimoy say that Spock had to go through a truly heinous process to be brought into the world that included being taken out of the womb at one month, put back in a few months later for a few more months, and then taken out again to finish his gestation in a laboratory. However, I am *not* going that route. I will play with canon there. But they will still need science to get her pregnant. But more on that in the sequel...**

**Chapter 54: Snapped**

He had known as soon as her cycle was late. He was observant after all- it was in his nature to pay attention to details. He'd thought she would know too, and tell him in her own time. He had not counted on her not knowing- and him having to tell her. Especially not under these circumstances...

After he contacted T'Ren he sat in silent contemplation in his study- his heart heavy. After everything that had happened- their struggle to be together, Pon Farr, the assassination attempt- it had been a sign of hope, of good things to come. A promise of a peaceful future. A future they deserved.

But now...it was too late. He felt his hope receding to the black depths from which it had come. He could not dwell on himself- he would have time to ponder later. Right now he was needed elsewhere.

Knowing she should not be alone he moved quickly, out of the study and back up the stairs. His long strides carried him down the hall and back to the bedchamber, and back to Amanda.

She had not moved from her spot on the bed. She was still curled up and he could see that she was trembling. He moved to sit on the edge of the bed, his weight alerting her to his presence. She turned to face him, her eyes bright with unshed tears, and he could feel her hurt mingling with his as the knowledge of what was happening to her began to sink in. For the first time in his life, Sarek wanted desperately to cry.

"Are you sure? I mean- maybe all the stress just made it late..." He could hear the panic, the fear and false hope all mingled in her voice as it faded. She did not even finish her own sentence. She knew the truth now as well as he did. "Why didn't you bring it to my attention sooner?" she asked sadly. "I've been such a mess..."

"I thought you should find out for yourself," he said softly, stroking the side of her face. "It was a mistake on my part."

"I hope it's not too late," she said, leaning forward so her sheet of hair obscured her face from him. He could feel her desperation as keenly as his own as she voiced aloud the sentiment of his heart. "_Please_, oh please God, don't let it be too late." It was too much for her to absorb all at once and Sarek felt her dam burst as she buried her face in his lap. He could feel the moisture of her tears. He could only hold her as her hands tightened around the cloth of his robes and her body began to shake.

He was unsure of what to do. He knew she was speaking to herself more than to him- but her emotional pain hurt him as much as it did her. He did not want it to be too late, either. But his logical mind recognized a truth that his illogical heart prayed was a lie. His heart insisted that she was fine. That they were fine...that it was fine...

They sat in silence until T'Ren arrived with a scanner in one hand and medical bag in the other.

"Please stay," Amanda said softly when Sarek stood to leave. He hesitated, before moving over to the divan to give T'Ren more room.

The Vulcan xenophysician turned the medical tricorder on, running it over Amanda's abdomen. As she did so, Sarek's eyes met those of his wife. She was scared- and they both hoped he was wrong. He would gladly admit his error if he was.

"You are four weeks and two days along," T'Ren said and Sarek quickly calculated. That would place the conception during the day before his departure for Earth. That was not surprising to him. "However, you are now miscarrying," she added, breaking the tense silence. Amanda's breath left her forcefully and Sarek stiffened.

"I would appreciate a modicum of sensitivity, T'Ren. She is human- you cannot expect her to be comfortable with blunt facts," he said coldly. He himself was disturbed by the emotionless diagnosis- even if it was illogical to be so.

"How would you have preferred me to tell her, Sarek? I am only speaking the truth. She is miscarrying. There is no way to deliver that information to accommodate human emotionalism."

Tears were gathering again in Amanda's eyes. She said nothing as she bowed her head to avoid her husband's gaze.

"Is there no way to save it?" Sarek asked quietly, his eyes lingering on Amanda.

"No, there is not. If I had been called in yesterday, before the bleeding began, I could have. But now it is too late. A Vulcan-human hybrid is impossible to create without scientific interference. I am sure you know this, Sarek. Once the embryo reaches the developmental stage during which organs are formed- which is at the end of the first month- it can no longer survive."

Sarek felt heavy with disappointment. It was not only his emotion- it was both of theirs. Somehow they had both managed to cling to a strand of feeble hope. Now that strand snapped, the hope vanishing.

"I shouldn't have stopped the progesterone hypos," Amanda muttered. "But I thought I wouldn't be able to conceive so I just didn't bother with them."

Neither Vulcan answered her, although Sarek sent her a wave of soothing calm. Her tears stopped but she watched dejectedly as T'Ren readied a hypo.

"This will ease the pain," she explained. "As well as ensure that you not lose too much blood."

The medication was administered with a faint hiss. No one spoke as T'Ren replaced the hypo in her bag.

"I have done what I can. If you should wish to conceive in the future I suggest you contact a geneticist first to discuss your options. There are processes through which other interspecies couples have had hybrid offspring. However, none of those were Vulcan so there is no guarantee it would work. Otherwise- avoid conception, as the effort would be futile. It is impossible for you to have a child this way."

"Thank you for your time, T'Ren," Sarek said, standing as she nodded and left. When the door hissed shut behind her, silence fell once more. He stood there looking at his wife, who stared down at the bedcovers refusing to meet his gaze.

"What do you require?" he asked.

"Nothing," she said dully, finally looking up. "You have to go in an hour, Sarek. You need to finish packing." Her voice was hollow- completely devoid of the emotions he knew she was feeling.

"I will postpone the meeting," he said, but she shook her head.

"No. That's not necessary. It won't do either of us any good. You shouldn't delay it for my sake- I'm fine. I...I just want to be alone right now anyway."

"Amanda-"

"Go, Sarek. Really, I'm fine. I mean- I didn't even know, right? How can I be upset when I didn't even know until you told me?" Her voice was bitter with grief and anger. To whom or what it was aimed at he could not be sure.

He watched her as she laid down facing away from him, her head resting on a pillow.

"Are you certain-?" he began to ask.

"Go. I'm fine, Sarek," she repeated. "I can't keep you from your duties- they're more important."

He went to her, leaning over to kiss her temple as his fingers entwined in her hair.

"Amanda, nothing is more important than you are at this moment. I will not go if you ask me not to," he said. She did not reply and he felt a pang. She was hurting- he knew it. He could feel it. But she claimed she was "fine" and did not need him.

He kissed her again, this time on the lips. She returned it only half-heartedly.

Pulling away, he headed for the door...but felt like he shouldn't go. Each step he took away from her felt like a betrayal- it felt _wrong_. His place was here. With his wife. Business could wait.

It wasn't logical to feel. But he did. And he felt that his place was with _her_ at this time. She was in pain, both physical and emotional. She was losing their child- a child he had known about for two weeks but she had not. If he'd told her and she'd seen T'Ren sooner, it was possible that this could have been prevented...

He passed T'Shan in the corridor and stopped to inform her of the goings-on.

"Go to her, T'Shan," he said when he finished.

"Of course, _osu_," she said. "Are you still going to Earth?"

He did not reply, instead looking away to avoid her hard eyes.

Her slanted eyebrows drew together. "You are going. Are you sure that is wise? Humans usually need emotional support in times of hardship. Surely this counts as such."

"She bade me to go," he replied, looking back at her.

"And?" T'Shan fixed him with a steely glare. He knew what she was thinking- that he was once more not doing his duty as bond mate.

"My diplomatic duties are important as well. She knows this," he continued slowly.

"I do not recall a time when Lady Amanda has ever known what is good for her- or what she truly wants," T'Shan said slowly. "That is why it is your responsibility."

He gazed at the woman before him. She gazed back unwaveringly.

"There is no need to inform me of my responsibilities to her, T'Shan," he said softly. "She bade me to go, and I know my duties are important. Yet I have no intentions of going, nor have I in the last half hour. Go to her and see if she requires anything...I have a call to make to Earth," he said before turning away and heading downstairs.

He'd known even as he told her he would not go if she asked that he would stay regardless. He couldn't leave her at a time like this...nor was he himself in a condition to. No...this was where he belonged. Here, with his wife- no matter what she said.

* * *

Amanda stared at the wall opposite her, at a collection of Vulcan tapestries that were probably centuries old. But she didn't really see them.

How hadn't she known? How had _Sarek_ known before her? She had been nauseous off and on for a few days...her cycle had never come...she should have at least _suspected_ it even if she didn't believe it to be possible. It was _her_ body- she should have figured it out right away.

She lay in silence on the bed, a deep ache in her chest and the back of her throat, turning over the day's events in her head. She wished he had kept the information to himself. She would have been perfectly content believing it was just a particularly bad cycle. But then again...it would only happen again in the future if it hadn't been brought to her attention now. She'd certainly learned one thing from this- she had to go back on birth control.

Amanda placed a hand on her stomach, feeling the tears leak out of the corners of her eyes again, no matter how hard she tried to stop them. She knew it was _illogical_ to be this upset. She'd had no idea the baby even existed. How could she be upset about losing a baby she hadn't known about until it was too late? She had never gotten a chance to get excited about it. Never gotten the chance to hope for the future. So why was she crying?

The door chimed and she wiped away the tears, trying to rally the last of her nonexistent composure.

"Come in," she called. As she had predicted, T'Shan came in.

"_Osu_ Sarek told me on his way out," T'Shan said quietly in a tone Amanda had never heard her use before. "Is there anything you require of me?"

"I'm eating dinner in here tonight. That's all," Amanda said, laying her head on the pillow again. "I just want to rest."

"I will prepare something Terran for you," T'Shan said and left. Relieved to be alone once more, Amanda got out of bed and went to the double doors that opened onto the balcony.

It was a warm night, the air as dry as ever and scented with the sand and desert night flowers. It was dark- Vulcan had no moon and the sands were illuminated only by the stars spangled across the black sky above. She rested her arms against the stone railing and laid her head on them, looking up at the glittering lights suspended high above her.

She felt tired. Emotionally worn out. Heartbroken.

Amanda had never really put much thought into having children. She knew she wanted them someday- she loved children- but she hadn't wanted any of her own this soon. Their marriage was still so young and so far had been full of nothing but complications. That was hardly a situation to bring a child into- the last thing she wanted was a baby to be born into a family with problems like theirs that had still not been completely resolved. So _why_ was she so upset?

It must have been the simple fact that for a month she had carried another life inside her- a life that she and Sarek had created together on what she knew had been that sad, fearful afternoon when she had no idea what would happen to him or what danger he was in. They had created it out of love. A half-Vulcan, half-human child. Unique. The perfect symbol of a marriage between two cultures. A child they both would have cherished for what it represented.

She buried her face in her arms, letting the tears come. She may not have known, but she'd wanted it. Now she was losing it.

Amanda heard the door slide open again and footsteps on the marble floor. She didn't move until she felt warm hands on her shoulders.

"Come inside, Amanda. You should be resting."

"I thought you left," she said as she raised her head.

"I did not."

She turned to face him, the tears still streaking down her cheeks. She had said she wanted him to go- but he must have felt the truth over the bond. She needed him. She was relieved he had not gone, no matter how selfish of her it was.

He spoke again before she could.

"You should have known-"

"Should have known what?" she interrupted. "That I was pregnant? Yes, I _should_ have known. There's no need to throw my ignorance in my face!"

"Allow me to finish," he said, placing his hands on her forearms to quiet her. "You should have known I would choose you over a meeting that can be delayed."

"Oh," she said and bit her lip. She looked down."Why can't we have a moment of peace, Sarek? Every time everything settles down, something happens to disrupt it. We were just winding down again and now- now _this_ happens. Sometimes I feel like the universe is against us."

He drew her against him, tucking her head under his chin.

"It will not always be so. There are bound to be moments of peace," he said.

"That's just it- _moments_ of peace! I would prefer that we have peace most of the time, occasionally interrupted by moments of drama- not the other way around! I'm just..._tired_ of it."

"If it is what you want," Sarek said, his voice low. "And it will make you content...we could go to a healer and dissolve the bond."

She jerked away from him, looking into his face incredulously.

"I didn't say _that_!" she cried "Why- do _you_ want that?" she asked, suddenly afraid.

"No, I do not," he assured her. " But if you are dissatisfied with our marriage then it would be the logical course of action to ensure your happiness. If it makes you happy, I would consent to it."

She knew he was being serious- she just couldn't believe it.

"I'd _never_ ask that of you- no matter how bad things get! I said I was tired of it but I didn't mean I'm giving up!" she said angrily.

"Calm down and come inside," he said, placing a hand on the small of her back as he led her back into the bedchamber. She pulled away from him abruptly, turning to glare at him.

"Don't tell me to calm down! How can you even _mention_ divorce at a time like this?" she asked, her anger rising further. "This- this whole situation- it's impossible for me to accept! And then you only add to it by suggesting we _dissolve the bond_? How could you even _think_ that would help, Sarek?!"

"I only want what is best for you," he said quietly, folding his arms over his chest.

"Well _that_ isn't it!" she cried. Tears once more stung her eyes, but she kept them at bay. "You have no idea what I'm going through! You don't know what it's like- to feel a life slipping away from you! I didn't know about the baby, but that doesn't make it any easier for me! And _you_- you stand there, not knowing and just- _assuming_ you do! And you _dare_ to ask for a divorce at a time like this?!"

"I am not asking for it. I merely suggested that if you decide that is best-"

"And I'm not going to decide that- _ever_!" She brushed away the tears once more falling from her eyes and he stepped forward as if to touch her. She held up a hand, stopping him in his tracks. "On top of that- you _knew_! You knew I was pregnant! How long, Sarek? How long did you know?"

He was silent for a moment, looking down at the floor. When he spoke, his voice was so quiet she had to strain to hear it.

"Two weeks."

"Two weeks," she repeated, the pain in her chest intensifying. "You knew for that long and didn't tell me...you _knew_ I wasn't in the right state of mind to realize what was going on, and you withheld from me! Why?"

Her voice was rough with anger and hurt. He looked back up at her, his voice still soft as he again spoke.

"I do not have words to describe how I felt in the moment I first realized you carried my child. I wanted you to feel that way also, and you could not have experienced the...rapture...I felt, if I told you. You would have only felt it if you discovered it yourself. As I said earlier, it was a mistake not to tell you."

"A _mistake_?" Her voice cracked on the last syllable. "This is hell of a lot more than a mistake! God damn it- you should have said something! If you had, this could have been prevented!"

She turned away, her fists clenched at her sides as even more hot tears spilled down her cheeks. Her chest was heaving, her body shaking. She knew it wasn't really his fault. But she was angry, hurt, in pain- in _agony _over what was happening to her. She knew she shouldn't take it out on him- but she had to let it out. If she didn't, she'd go insane. She couldn't hold it in.

"You can't possibly know what it was like- having my _husband_ tell me I'm having a miscarriage before I even knew I was pregnant. You can't possibly know how this feels- to have a life die inside me and there's nothing I can do about it but let it happen! You don't know my pain!"

There was a silence, and then she heard boots against the marble floor. Before she could warn him away or move across the room, she felt strong fingers wrap around her upper arm, spinning her back around.

Sarek's eyes were dark with rage and hurt as he seized both her arms and forced her to look up at him.

"I do not know your pain?" he asked in a low hiss. "How can you make such a presumption, Amanda? Feel the bond- reach across it. Then you will realize how much I know your _pain_. You do not suffer alone. The child was as much mine as yours. Yet you accuse me of not understanding? I may be Vulcan and you may not see how I feel outwardly- but you know the truth!"

Never had he spoken so plainly- never had his voice been so full of raw emotion. His fingers gripped her arms hard but she did not even notice. She stared up into his face- into those eyes which were so full of the same emotions she felt...

"I am aware you are hurting. I am aware there is nothing we can do. And you allow yourself to believe I am not affected? I may be many things, Amanda, but I am not so emotionless as to not care when my wife loses _our_ child. I feel your torment as well as my own. _Do not _assume I do not understand."

She trembled; biting her bottom lip hard in an attempt to stop what she knew was coming. He continued to stare into her eyes, and as he did she finally reached across the bond- for the first time concentrating on someone else's pain other than her own.

Strong, overwhelming waves of sorrow, helplessness, and heart-wrenching agony rolled over her, joining her own. He felt the exact same way she did- like the world was once more falling around their shoulders and they were powerless to stop it.

She collapsed against him and began to sob for the second time that night. Her knees could no longer support her weight, so he tightened his hold around her, holding her close against him as she let out her pain without further restraint.

Amanda had never cried so hard, or for so long. She was dimly aware of him picking her up and placing her on the bed before joining her, but all she cared about was the hot body she was curled against, her tears wetting his robes but neither of them caring. Her fingers clutched onto the black fabric and she felt that if she let go, the last thing anchoring her to sanity would disappear.

Neither of them were aware when T'Shan stepped inside, surveying the scene before her- her dignified Vulcan master, holding his human wife close to him- his face buried in her hair as she cried against his chest. It was a private moment- one nobody was meant to see. She quietly placed the tray she held on a table and left, feeling heavy herself. The loss of a child would hurt, could cause even the most fortified of emotional barriers to break down. It was a rare moment when their emotions reigned over their logic.

They were both in pain. Both suffering. Both mourning the loss of what wasn't to be. And there was nothing anyone could do but ride it out and hope for better- for something to make it worthwhile.

* * *

It was seemingly hours before Amanda finally slept beside him, her cheeks stiff with dried tears and her eyes swollen from crying. He placed soft kisses against her eyelids- not wanting to leave, but knowing he must. He _must_ meditate...her way of relieving pain was through tears. His was through intensive meditation.

Sarek gently slid away from her, settling her head onto the pillow. She did not even stir.

He kept a meditation mat in their quarters, but he usually used the chamber down the hall. Tonight he had no desire to leave Amanda's side. He took out the mat and unrolled it on the floor beside the bed. As he settled down he faced toward it. She was only a few feet away from him.

He closed his eyes, concentrating on her deep, even breathing. He matched his own to it and used the pattern to lull him into a trance.

The day had been emotionally draining. Just that morning he had been at peace with the world- knowing that his wife carried his child and sure that their future was full of promise. They would have a family. A child of their own. He had been...proud.

But now...now he had no names for the dark emotions within him. Except one.

Guilt.

_Could_ this have been prevented had he told her? She was right...this was no simple mistake. This "mistake" may have resulted in the loss of their child. It had resulted in her pain- and he could never tolerate her pain.

He had been serious when he suggested dissolution of the bond. He honestly believed it would be better for her. She herself had said it felt like the universe was against them- and while he had attempted to soothe away such an illogical thought, he felt the same way. They had so much against them...this most recent incident being only one of a whole series of them.

_ I do not recall a time when Lady Amanda has ever known what is good for her- or what she truly wants... That is why it is your responsibility._

T'Shan's words rang in his mind. Despite her insistence...Amanda _would_ be better off without him. That fact had been proven time and time again. It did not matter how _he_ felt about it- what mattered was her happiness. And as long as she was with him, she could never be entirely happy- no matter how much she tried to convince herself otherwise.

Was this really worth the constant emotional pain for them both? Could he allow her to continue to endure it? Could he allow _himself_ to continue causing it? They had tried everything to make their marriage what they wanted it to be- peaceful. But they had failed. It was only one tragedy after another and at the moment he could see no bright future- no hope for them.

It would be better to end it. It would be the logical thing to do- they would both benefit from going their separate ways. It did not matter if he did not want that. It did not matter if the mere thought made his soul cry out in protest. They could not continue this- could not continue to have their hopes let down every time something pleasant happened. And that was inevitable. That was the way it had been from the beginning and always would be.

He opened his eyes, looking upon her sleeping form. _Could_ he let her go? This human who had somehow managed to capture his Vulcan heart? This woman who had shown him what love was? Who had been there for him in his times of need? Who even now protested against dissolution despite what she was going through- which may or may not have been prevented by him?

Could he allow the one truly good thing to happen to him slip away? To marry another- to bear another man's children while he moved on also, as if they had never been?

It was selfish, he knew, to even consider those reasons. It would be better for her. But he simply...could not let her go. His very being refused to acknowledge the suggestion.

No...despite everything, there was a reason they were together. It was illogical. It was not Vulcan. But it was a reason...and love was as good a reason as any to stay together. To weather through the bad times together- to be there for each other. It may have been selfish to not want her free for another...but it was even more selfish to demand a divorce because he did not want the pain any more. _She_ was willing to endure it and he should be too.

This was only another trial. Another incident that made him second-guess his decision to marry her. But the solution was the same as it had been the other times...their marriage was not an easy one. It had never been destined to be. But maybe the trials they faced were worth trudging through for those rare moments of peace. They strengthened their relationship.

It was not logical...but that did not make it any less true.

Sarek stood from the mat and rejoined his wife on the bed, gently taking her back into his arms and smoothing her hair away from her face. Yes, this was worth it- and she knew that too. That was why she had protested so vehemently when he made the proposal to rid them of the bond.

As for the child...he buried his face in Amanda's hair again, closing his eyes. He would never know if he could have prevented it, and it was too late. All that was left was to wait and see if she would forgive him. If _she_ could, he could forgive himself as well. And knowing her...she would. It was not in her nature to never forgive someone she loved, no matter how grave their transgressions.

Just like every other trial they faced, they would get through this- together. They would heal- together. They would persevere and find those moments of peace, no matter what they had to go through to get to them.

They had each other. That was all that mattered. And as he gathered her even closer to him he finally...finally...allowed a tendril of hope for their future to enter his soul.

**A/N: Only the epilogue left!**


	55. Epilogue: Hope Redeemed

**Epilogue: Hope Redeemed**

When Amanda awoke her face felt stiff. She opened her eyes to find herself looking into a very familiar face.

"You're still here," she said, her voice thick. Her throat was sore, her eyes puffy...but the unbearable emotional pressure that had weighed on her was gone. She had cried it away the night before. Now she just felt...empty. Hollowed out.

"Where else would I have gone?" he asked, stroking her hair and kissing her lightly. "I have not left the room since you went to sleep."

"Thank you, Sarek. For staying on Vulcan," she said, letting her eyes slip closed.

"There is no need to thank me. I was not in any state to go either."

She opened her eyes again. He looked calm, collected...as he always did. She thought back to the night before- to how he had broken. She recalled the pain in his eyes, in his voice...the emotions she had felt from him. She had not been the only one to cry. She'd felt his tears too; they had been silent and few but they had mingled with her own.

She reached up to lay a hand on his cheek, her thumb stroking the corner of his mouth. He raised his hand to hers and caught her fingers- interlacing them together with his. She watched as he closed his eyes. He looked to be deep in thought, silently reflecting on something that was an unknown to her. "There's something you want to say. I can sense it," she said gently. "Tell me, Sarek."

A moment of silence fell between them- peaceful and contemplative before he finally answered her, his voice low.

"I had doubts," he said quietly. "About our marriage. I considered releasing you from the bond even if you tried to refuse."

"When? Last night?" she asked. He nodded, closing his eyes again briefly.

"I found that I would not be able to commit such a crime against myself. I do not know how you have affected me this way or how it impedes my ability to make logical decisions, but it does. It would be logical to end this. Yet I cannot- will not."

She listened silently, looking up at the man who was her husband- the Vulcan who had only ever let down his emotional barriers for her. He was letting them down again...she could sense it.

"We have had many difficult times and there will be many more. Last night I gave up hope. I could see nothing but misery in our future...there was nothing but darkness and despair. But then I lay next to you...I smelled your hair, felt your skin against mine...I recalled the times when I have been the most content and realized they were all when I was with you. It is selfish, but I refuse to give you up. I refuse to allow this despair to continue. We cannot change what happened...but we still have many things to look forward to and strive for. Do not allow yourself to dwell on this, my _ashayam_. If you do, we have no hope for our future and we will only destroy what remains of this relationship."

"I _want_ to hope. I just don't know if I can right now," she said softly, nuzzling her face closer to his chest. "I don't know if I can heal from this pain."

"Then I will help you," he replied, tilting her face so she looked up at him. "You once told me our relationship is worth the pain. Do you not still believe that?"

"I do, but..." She couldn't finish the thought. She didn't know what she was going to say.

"Then try, Amanda. You cannot dwell on pain and misery. This situation cannot be helped that way."

"I _will_ try," she said. She honestly did not think it would be as easy as he made it sound...but he was right. If she dwelt on this they would not be able to move forward. And she _did_ want to put this behind her.

They did not speak for several moments, during which he closed his eyes and continued to stroke her hair. Then she remembered something he had said.

"_Ashayam_..." she repeated. "Sarek, what does that mean?" He opened his eyes, looking down at her.

"Beloved. It is one of the ancient Vulcan words no longer used today, and known by few," he replied in a soft voice, pulling her against him and tightening his arms around her waist.

"That's the closest you've ever come to admitting you love me," she whispered.

"Do the words matter?" he asked.

"No...they don't." And they didn't. She already knew how he felt- had known it for months. She didn't need to hear the words for validation. She knew it in the tender way he touched her- the way his eyes softened minutely when they fell on her, even when in the company of others. She knew it in the way he bent the laws of logic and the doctrine of Surak to please her. She knew it in the way he was holding her now...like she was the only thing that mattered to him.

She once again buried her face in his chest.

_Hope_...it seemed a distant thing, unreachable. But it felt as if it were getting nearer with every passing moment.

* * *

**_Two months later..._**

Despite hardships, life has a way of going on. The world does not stop with one tragedy, even if it feels like it should...and while those tragedies may result in pain that feels like it will never go away and wounds that feel as if they'll never heal, they inevitably do.

The first days were full of pain for them both. They hardly left the bedchamber...they took their meals there, spent the time talking, and Sarek played his _ka'athyra_ for her. It was peaceful, quiet...but the truth hovered over them.

It wasn't easy to get over. How could it be? They had both endured a personal loss together. They had grieved together. Cried together. And in the end...came out stronger than ever.

They still had their lives before them- a future. It would have been illogical to dwell when they still had a chance, still had hope...for themselves...and for a family when they were ready for it.

They were hurting but they would heal. They always did. That was the way of life.

Weeks passed and they improved- slowly but surely. And there were even moments when they went backwards. But they were closer than ever. When at home they were nearly inseparable. Sarek even allowed her in his office while he worked, something that was unprecedented. And the few times he had to go to Earth she went with him instead of staying behind. The bond was open at all times no matter what...they were easing back into a routine.

Life had once more taken on some semblance of normalcy, with subtle changes that indicated their increased closeness- indicative of their resolution to continue this ill-fated marriage. They were determined to win against the odds and they knew they would in the end. They would show the universe- they would take whatever it threw at them and emerge from the aftermath victorious and unscathed.

And two months after their ordeal, the Vulcan embassy on Earth was completed. They were ready to go back- to start over yet again. To bring their hope to a new home. To begin to construct a new life around it from scratch.

Amanda especially looked forward to being among her own people again- even if that included reporters. But moving back to Earth meant packing...a chore she truly detested.

"Damn," she said with a sigh as she tried to reach the topmost holograph hanging on the wall in the bedroom. She felt a sudden warm presence behind her and a familiar black-clad arm reached over her shoulder to retrieve it for her. She took it from his hand gratefully and turned to face him. "Thanks. Did you get the ones in the living room for me?" she asked.

"They are in a crate with the rest of our belongings," he replied and took the holograph from her again to set it in the waiting box. He then took both of her hands into his and drew her close to him, lacing his fingers through hers.

One thing she had noticed...ever since that night two months ago, Sarek was more inclined to show affection. He was not above it before- but generally _she_ initiated it or he did so only when she desired it. But now...he often surprised her with gestures of affection when she was not expecting it. It was one of the many positive aspects that had sprung from that night.

He kissed her gently, stroking the side of her face with the back of his hand. She smiled, leaning into his warm touch.

"There's something I want to talk to you about," Amanda said, tightening her fingers around his.

"I am listening," he said as she backed him toward the divan, where he sat and she climbed onto his lap to straddle him.

"While we're on Earth there's something I want to do," she said.

"Does it concern your sister?" he asked. Amanda bit her lip.

"No. She still won't return my calls. I'm just going to give her the space she wants for awhile...this is about my career."

"The heretofore nonexistent career which you often complain about," he pointed out. She pressed a reproving finger against his lips.

"Hush, _adun_. I don't _complain_- I merely comment that there isn't anything for me here. And you know that's true. I am not in any way qualified to teach Vulcan children."

"Perhaps the five year old class," he said. She glared at him but they both knew she was not truly angry.

"So what I want to do is work towards my doctorate," she finished. He nodded slowly.

"A wise decision. It is logical to expand one's knowledge. What field will you concentrate on?"

"Linguistics. And I also want to get a degree in xenocultural history. You know, learning Vulcan has given me a new appreciation for languages. I want to study them further. And as for xenocultural history...putting up with you- and you _can_ be a pain in the ass at times- has made me realize just how different our species are. I want to study this further and specialize in Vulcan-human dynamics."

"Logical choices," he replied. "Although I must add that it is often difficult to put up with you as well."

"I'm learning the ways of logic from you," she said, ignoring his last comment and smiling as she kissed him.

"That is....quite an alarming thought."

"What? Learning it from you?"

"No, a human attempting to apply logic to any situation. The idea is dangerous."

She shook with laughter, her arms tightening around him as she buried her face in his shoulder. "Sarek, _you_ of all Vulcans have no room to talk. Anyway...I got a call today from a school in San Francisco. It just so _happens_ that they're looking for a teacher. It's an elementary class, which isn't really what I was looking for...but I'll take what I can get at the moment. Class started last month, so it'll be a late start. Hey, you know what..." Amanda's eyes glazed over suddenly.

"Amanda?" he questioned when she didn't speak again for several seconds. She looked at him.

"We've known each other for over a year now," she said. "To tell the truth, I didn't like you when I first met you. You were a jerk."

"I apologize for being a 'jerk' but your behavior was somewhat irregular," he said. "You were more illogical than most humans."

"Be careful or you're sleeping on the divan tonight," she warned, pointing a finger at him.

"I do not believe you truly want that," Sarek said, his voice low as he pulled her closer and began to kiss her neck. "It is generally tradition for us to spend the night before departures in a rather restless manner. And as we leave Vulcan tomorrow I am sure you would not want to depart from tradition."

"That's putting it mildly. But stop- I'm trying to make a point here," she said, pushing him away. She felt his disappointment and smiled. "I think I made a monster out of you, you know. There was time when you barely entertained the idea of sex on a regular basis. Now..."

"You said you had a point to make," he interrupted, eyebrows rising.

"Right. Well...when I first met you, I didn't like you. And _you_ thought I was illogical. Who would have known we'd end up here a year from then?"

"No one could have known." He frowned slightly. "It is illogical to assume so."

"Never mind my poor, hopeless Vulcan husband," she said with a sigh, leaning forward and kissing him again. "For a genius, you are clueless."

"How so?"

"This is a hypothetical situation...say someone from the future traveled back in time- and don't say a word," she said, raising a hand when he began to protest. "Suppose someone went back to a year ago and said; 'Ambassador, a year from now you will be bonded to a human and will have made many illogical decisions.' What would you say to him?"

She wasn't sure Sarek was even paying attention. He was currently placing kisses in a line from her lips, to her neck, and then to her collarbone. She leaned back as he lifted her shirt over her head and tossed it aside, leaving her in only a bra and skirt.

"I would assume I had ingested a hallucinogen," he replied, kissing the tops of her breasts. She wondered how he could be paying attention to her words when he was currently otherwise occupied...human men couldn't do it. At this point, their blood would have gone south and they would be thinking with the wrong head- not both, like he was doing.

Then again, she was having a similar problem as his expert fingers found the clasp to her bra. Maybe it wasn't just a human male thing- but a human thing in general.

"What if you knew...uh...that..." She cleared her throat. "What if you knew he was telling the truth?"

"I would ask which human. Once he said you, I would have thought _he_ was under the influence of a hallucinogen."

"Is that good or-" she broke off with a sharp intake of breath as the sound of ripping cloth rent the air and she felt a breeze across her legs. Her skirt was suddenly gone. "Sarek! You ripped my skirt!" she exclaimed and pushed at his shoulders.

"It was in the way."

"That's not an excuse! I _liked_ that skirt!"

"Perhaps you should do away with clothing entirely- then this will not be an issue."

"Was that a _joke_, Ambassador?" she asked playfully. His hands tightened on her waist, and she was suddenly laying on the divan, looking up at him.

"No, merely a suggestion," he replied, kissing her again. Deciding that she'd had enough talk for the day...and night...she wrapped her arms and legs around him, letting herself get lost in his kisses and the feel of his hot skin against hers...

But before becoming utterly consumed, she had time for one last coherent thought. A lot can happen in a year. They'd met, fallen in love, gotten married...lost a child...they had been through a lot together. And although she had only known him a year- and had only been married to him four and a half months- she was closer to him than she'd been to anyone.

And who knew what the coming year might bring? She didn't know...but she was looking forward to it. She had a feeling good things were finally coming to them...the peace they had struggled for was finally upon them. She could _feel_ it...and they both welcomed it.

The hope that once seemed so insurmountable to Amanda now filled her- it filled them both. Sarek had helped her through her pain and she had helped him through his. The healing was not complete...no, it would take a long time for that. But they had turned toward the future- not the unchangeable past.

They were ready for whatever the future would bring.

**A/N: It's over! *Sniff***

**The sequel, which is tentatively being called "Promise" will hopefully be up tomorrow. Keep a look out for it, and I might change the title so just to warn you...and it's going to take place a year in the future.**

**I want to thank all of my wonderful readers and reviewers! Thanks for reading and sticking with it...and another HUGE thanks to LadyFangs, who stopped me from posting many a heinous chapter and FORCED me to do rewrites on occasion (but of course her criticism was always spot-on and the rewrites were always better). I feel like this story wouldn't have been as good without her assistance. So thanks! And I hope everyone enjoyed the story!**


End file.
